I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • Their Own Inner Pain.

    In this world, hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible. —BUDDHA 

     Daily reading from Mark Nepo's  "The Book of Awakening"

    "One of the most difficult things about healing from being hurt by others is how to put wounds to rest when those who have hurt us will not give air to the wound, will not admit to their part in causing the pain. I have struggled with this deeply. Time and again, I find myself confusing the want for justice with the need for a witness of the wound."

    " Physical wounds are hard to miss, but emotional wounds are seldom visible. This is why they must be looked at and acknowledged if we are ever to heal. Yet so often, our pain is compounded by the very human fact that we may never agree on the nature of what happened. If we do, we may never admit it to each other. Or the amends we feel we so deserve may go with the hurtful one to the grave." 

    "As with so many other crucial negotiations of life, what's required is to honor what lives within us. We must bear witness to ourselves, for there is no power as embracing or forgiving as the authority of that portion of God that lives in each of us."  

    His exercises for today… 

    Sit quietly until you begin to feel safe, and bring into view a wound that hasn't healed. 

    Breathe steadily and look directly at the wound, bearing witness to yourself and all you've been through.  

    Breathe fully, and let your compassion for yourself be the air to cleanse the wound. Mark Nepo

     

    What I love about his words today, is that what we are seeking is for the other to air our wounds WITH us, and they don't.  Or, we want there to be a witness of the wound; someone to see us…and we prefer it to be the one who hurt us.

    I agree with him, that it is vastly important for us to view our own wounds and air them out…regardless if the others agree on what happened or not, you know. 

    In knowing, sit with your self and honor your wound…be your own witness.

    What phrase came to mind, "God helps those who help themselves…"

    If you are sitting and subconsciously waiting and wishing and hoping or manipulating your life for others to see you and your wound, you will remain a victim to life's circumstances.

    If however, you stop waiting and looking for the response you need outside of yourself, but rather take the time and space to look and honor your self, you will find eternal peace about your abuse.

    In writing this blog, I am acknowledging to me my wounds and I am airing them.  It feels good to know that I was wounded and I can be the most valuable witness.  For, even if others see you wounded, it will be all for naught, if you don't see and feel your hurt.

    It is not the people who are at peace with their wounds that hurt others, nor are we racking up more negative life experiences…but those who are the walking wounded, blind to their own inner pain.

    "Hurt people, hurt people."  Bill Cosby


  • Your Own Feelings

    Below is today's reading by Mark Nepo from his book "The book of Awakening"

    The sun doesn't stop shining because people are blind. 

     It is a hard challenge to stay true to ourselves in the face of indifference. Rejection and opposition are painful, but being treated as if you don't exist is quietly devastating. This soft puncture is particularly human. Eagles soar and glide for hours in canyon air, and the fact that no one knows does not lessen their ability to fly. But for us there is a constant elusive heroism in being who we are, especially when we are misunderstood, judged, or ignored. Somehow our need for love gives tremendous power to the opinions of others, and so, we are required to guard against turning our lives over to the expectations of others.

    A great example of hearing one's deeper self is the Spanish painter Goya. Writing about Goya, Andre Malraux tells us that after going deaf in 1792, the painter understood that “to allow his genius to become apparent to himself it was necessary that he should dare to give up aiming to please.” It is both touching and instructive that Goya couldn't fully realize his God-given gifts until he went deaf to the demands of those around him.  Mark Nepo

    What I have realized that we are not taught to stay true to your self.  We are taught to keep our words to ourselves if they are not 'kind'…and to honor thy mother and thy father, no matter what.  

    Staying true to your self in an abusive home is very dangerous, it could lead to more punishment and further neglect and abuse.  It is better to bury your true feelings and expressions and begin living to stay true to what they want.

    How many even know what staying true to you means?  If the only you you have ever known is the one who looks outward in making choices…trying not to disappoint or lose love by the choices they make.

    What if you made choices and were blind to what others thought or said? What if you could move freely believing that they are blind to your choices?  Would they still be the choices you make today?

    In the past, I made no choice or very little choices that would negatively affect another's happiness.  I only moved in ways that didn't ripple lives.

    I believe that the biggest indication of how far off the mark I was from my true self was by the vast changes that happened when I began living my life from the inside out.

    When I became blind and deaf to the outside and turned my full attention to staying true to me.

    I just listened to Joseph Campbell's book, "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" and in it he says that all will be called to the Hero's Journey, but few will answer the call.

    He speaks about how when we fail to answer the call of staying true to ourselves, we will only create more negative.  I believe this.

    I had a lifetime of negative upon negative outcomes based upon my shying away from my true self.

    This gives me great peace to know…that a hero's journey is one that creates positive.  All the negative course corrections that I had to make in order to stay true to me will be completely worth it if I am no longer creating negative karma…or a negative history and legacy.

    Imagine, we can change the world's negative percentage one person at a time…all we have to do is stay true…no longer indifferent to your own feelings.


     

  • I Let It Go…

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul" – The Journey Beyond Yourself, he writes in Chapter 7 "Transcending the Tendency to Close".

    "Since it’s not socially acceptable to run into the woods and hide like a deer, you hide inside. You withdraw, close down, and pull back behind your protective shield. What you are actually doing is closing down your energy centers. Even if you don’t know you have energy centers, you’ve been closing them since kindergarten. You know exactly how to close your heart and put up a psychological protective shield. You know exactly how to close down the centers to avoid being too receptive and sensitive to the different energies coming in and causing fear."


    "When you close down and protect yourself, you are pulling a shell around the part of you that is weak. This is the part that feels it needs protection even though no physical attack is taking place. You are protecting your ego, your self-concept. Although a situation may present no physical danger, it may cause you to experience disturbance, fear, insecurity, and other emotional problems. So you feel the need to protect yourself." 

     

     "The problem is that the part of you that gets disturbed is way out of balance. It’s so sensitive that the slightest little thing causes it to overreact. You are living on a planet spinning around the middle of outer space, and you’re either worrying about your blemishes, the scratch on your new car, or the fact that you burped in public. It’s not healthy. If your physical body were that sensitive, you would say you were sick. But our society considers psychological sensitivities normal. Because most of us don’t have to worry about food, clothing, or shelter, we have the luxury of worrying about a spot on our pants, or laughing too loud, or saying something wrong. Because we’ve developed this hypersensitive psyche, we constantly use our energies to close around it and protect ourselves. But this process only hides the problems; it doesn’t fix them. You’re locking your illness inside yourself, and it will only get worse." 

    "You will get to a point in your growth where you understand that if you protect yourself, you will never be free. It’s that simple. Because you’re scared, you have locked yourself within your house and pulled down all the shades. Now it’s dark and you want to feel the sunlight, but you can’t. It’s impossible. If you close and protect yourself, you are locking this scared, insecure person within your heart. You will never be free that way."  

    "Ultimately, if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow. All your habits and idiosyncrasies will stay the same. Life becomes stagnant when people protect their stored issues. People say things like, “You know we don’t talk about that subject around your father.” There are all these rules about things that are not supposed to happen outside because they could cause disturbance inside. Living like this allows for very little spontaneous joy, enthusiasm, and excitement for life. Most people just go from day to day protecting themselves and making sure nothing goes too wrong. At the end of the day, when someone asks, “How was your day?” a normal response is, “Not too bad,” or “I’ll survive.” What is that telling you about their view of life? They see life as a threat. A good day means you made it through without getting hurt. The longer you live like this, the more closed you become. "

    "If you really want to grow, you have to do the opposite. Real spiritual growth happens when there is only one of you inside. There’s not a part that’s scared and another part that’s protecting the part that’s scared. All parts are unified. Because there is no part of you that you’re not willing to see, the mind is no longer divided into the conscious and subconscious. Everything you see inside is just something you see inside. It’s not you; it’s what you see. There is simply the pure energy pouring inside of you that creates the ripples of thoughts and emotions, and there is the consciousness that’s aware of it. There is simply you watching the dance of the psyche."

    "In order to reach this state of awareness, you must let your entire psyche surface. Every little separated piece of it must be permitted to pass through. Right now, many fragmented parts of your psyche are held within you. If you want to be free, it all has to be equally exposed to your awareness and released. But it will never get exposed if you’re closing yourself. After all, the purpose of closing was to make sure that the sensitive parts of your psyche don’t get exposed. So you catch on that no matter how much pain the exposure creates, you are willing to pay that price for freedom. When you are no longer willing to identify with the part of you that is separating itself into a million pieces, you are ready for real growth." 

    "Begin by seeing the tendency to protect and defend yourself. There is a very deep, innate tendency to close, especially around your soft spots. But eventually you will notice that closing creates tremendous work. Once you close, you have to make sure that what you protected doesn’t get disturbed. You then carry this task for the rest of your life. The alternative is to become conscious enough to simply watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. You can then give yourself the ultimate gift by deciding not to do that anymore. You decide, instead, to get rid of that part." 

    "You start by watching life and noticing the constant flow of people and situations that hit your stuff every day. How often do you find yourself trying to protect and defend that weak part of you? You feel like the world wants to get right at it. Every place you go there’s someone or something trying to disturb you, trying to get your goat. Why not let them have it? If you don’t really want it, then don’t protect it."

    "The reward for not protecting your psyche is liberation. You are free to walk through this world without a problem on your mind. You are just having fun experiencing whatever happens next. Because you got rid of that scared part of you, you don’t ever have to worry about getting hurt or disturbed. You no longer have to listen to “What will they think of me?” or, “Oh God, I wish I hadn’t said that. It sounded so stupid.” You just go about your business and put your whole being into whatever’s happening, instead of putting your whole being into your personal sensitivity." 

    "Once you’ve made the commitment to free yourself of that scared person inside, you will notice that there is a clear decision point at which your growth takes place. Spiritual growth is about the point at which you start to feel your energy change. For instance, somebody says something, and you start to feel the energy get a little strange inside. You will actually start to feel a tightening. That is your cue that it’s time to grow. It’s not time to defend yourself, because you don’t want the part of you that you would be defending. If you don’t want it, let it go."

    "You will eventually get conscious enough so that the minute you see the energy start getting strange, you stop. You stop getting involved in the energy. If it normally causes you to start talking, you stop talking. You just stop, mid-sentence, because you know where it will go if you continue. The moment you see the energy getting imbalanced inside, the moment you see the heart starting to tense and get defensive, you just stop."  

    "What exactly does it mean “to stop”? It’s something you do inside. It’s called letting go. When you let go, you are falling behind the energy that is trying to pull you into it. Your energies inside have power. They are very strong, and they draw your awareness into them. If a hammer falls on your toe, all your awareness will focus there. If there’s a sudden loud sound, again, all of your awareness will focus there. Consciousness has the tendency to focus on disturbance, and disturbed energies inside are no exception. These disturbed energies will draw your consciousness to them. But you do not have to let this happen. You really do have the ability to disengage and fall back behind them." 

    "When the energies inside start to move, you do not have to go there. For instance, when your thoughts start, you do not have to go with them. Let’s say you’re outside taking a walk and a car drives by. Your thoughts say, “Boy, I wish I had that car.” You could just keep on walking, but instead you start getting upset. You want a car like that, but your salary isn’t high enough. So you begin thinking about how you can get a raise or a different job. You didn’t have to do all that. It could have just been— here comes the car and there it goes, and here comes the thought and there it goes. They’re both gone together because you didn’t go with them. That is what’s called being centered." 

    "If you aren’t centered, your consciousness is just following whatever catches its attention. You see the car drive by and you’re off doing something about it. Another day you see a boat, and then it is all about the boat, and you forget about the car. There are people like that."  Michael Singer

    What I got this time reading this chapter was the fact that what we are protecting Is OUR WEAKEST part.  It isn't like we are protecting our sacred passionate self, but instead it is our fears.  Imagine, we protect and keep our fears inside of us?

    And, when something on the outside or a thought comes along that matches our fears, we tag on and hang on….we are consumed and incapacitated by them.

    What I did find, is that my mind wanted to serve my fears, it wanted to feed them and attend their every need.  And, my body did respond in kind.  It too grew tense and protective and almost curled into itself.

    I had to literally leave a room, tap the surface of something to distract my mind, to bring me back to the present.  Or I had to walk face first into my greatest fear to transform what I feared into what I conquered. 

    You literally have to live with your fears clearly exposed and be willing to have them ruffled and poked….and not respond by protecting them and pulling them in.  You have to leave them outside for everyone to touch….be vulnerable and not protective.

    To live fully exposed and open to all the emotions of life…

    I love how he says, when you are protecting your weakness, you are keeping it inside of you.  I released all my weaknesses.  I used to live protecting and keeping all my fears and terrors inside.  Now, I live keeping all the negative outside of me…I want my inside to be calm, peaceful and filled with joy.

    When a negative or fearful thought comes in….I let it go…


     


     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • People who are indifferent.

    "Indifference enables everything that is bad."  Elie Wiesel

    I highly recommend watching the interview Oprah had with Elie on her Soul Series…you can watch on Oprah.com.

    What Elie says, "Indifference and passiveness is worse than hatred, it enables everything that is bad."

    This is what I feel to the depth of my being.  It isn't that there is evil in the world or folks doing bad things, but that there is another huge segment of the population doing nothing…they are passive and indifferent, frozen.  And it is this indifference and passive response, that ENABLES EVERYTHING THAT IS BAD.

    Whether it be within the structure of church and family, if you know and do nothing, you are enabling evil.  Indifference is the inertia; the glue that allows evil the wide open spaces to play.  Not enough people are caring to make a difference.

    If we would only get that it is indifference that makes evil expand.  

    I looked up the word Indifference.  "Lack of interest, concern, or sympathy; "his pretended indifference to criticism".

    What does it mean if you lack interest and concern about others suffering?

    It isn't about the bad being done, but that you lack the concern about the ones who are suffering or have suffered.

    I have tasted this indifference and its flavor leaves you feeling that nobody cares.

    That you don't matter enough…your life wasn't worthy.

    I know, that the acts that my father committed were dimmed by the indifference of so many.

    This is what stayed with me.  How could so many know and do nothing?

    In my small example compared to what Elie has to write about, I too have found it hard to understand the silence.  It is the silence he says, he can't forgive.  And yet he has not lost the faith and hope in man.

    Nor have I.

    He wrote a new book titled, "Open Heart" and it is on my book list.   

    He says "Think higher and feel deeper"...perhaps this is the way to lessen the indifference.  For I believe that for every evil act, there stands many people who are indifferent.

    "To listen to a witness, is to become a witness."  Elie Wiesel


  • I am Lucky

    I am reading books by the Author Mary Pipher…and the one I picked up at the Library is "Writing to Change the World".  It is a small book with writing insights that I am finding interesting.  I skimmed around and found this.

    "America is deeply ambivalent about its change agents.  Simply put, we tend to like them after they die. To most Americans, "radical" is a negative word, and even "reformer" evokes our cultural uncertainty about systemic changes.  On the other hand, we tend to like rebels and outlaws, just so long as they don't really challenge the status quo."

    "Jesus exemplifies our confused attitudes about radicals.  Tot he entrenched, greedy powers of His time, He was a real troublemaker.  He was a pacifist who disdained the wealthy and religious hypocrites, and He befriended prostitutes and beggars.  Yet for two thousand years, He has been revered. Still, if He were writing and preaching today, most likely He would be regarded as a subversive and a kook."

    "In the upside-down world of America today, our culture's dysfunctional message is that healthy people accept the world as it is. We are taught that problems are pervasive and insolvable, and that we are powerless. Also, we hear that only radical nuts or quixotic fuzzy-brains work for social and political change.  Yet powerlessness produces despair in people and stagnation in cultures.  Throughout history, it has been the strong people who have endeavored to make their communities better.  Healthy people act."

    "In my opinion, true rebels are not anguished, angry individuals mired since adolescence in their own complaints and needs for individuation. True rebels act from a well-developed moral center. They know who they are and what they stand for. Most likely, they are fighting for something that they have spent a lifetime learning to love."

    "Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote that the ocean of suffering is immense, but that if we turn around we can see the land.  True rebels have had at least a glimpse of land, and they want to lead others to it.  Too, most change agents are not saints. If we wait for the saints to save the world, it will be too late.  What changes agents have in common is their need to use their own gifts to help others."  Mary Pipher

    Isn't it interesting to wonder how change happens?  Who is it that upsets the status quo?  How change doesn't happen via the saints…but rather the rebels…and how they are liked more dead than alive.  

    I see me as the rebel in the family, and I truly believe that I am operating from a well-developed and moral center.  I am fighting for something I love.  Family.

    I am not just out here wrecking things to be wrecking things.

    I am stomping around in fury at the impassive nature of accepting that the problems are pervasive and insolvable, when I know different.

    I am standing up for family and against abuse.  I know you can rescue a family from the legacy of abuse, but you will have to endure many many changes and lose sight of the once familiar shore.  It is possible.

    I had a brother more or less say, that abuse is everywhere, so does it really matter which church or where you go?   Really, so then what?  Are you really not willing to learn where it most likely travels and divert your family?  What are you doing to educate your self so that you can teach your children?  Are you just sitting back and waiting for the luck of the draw…that maybe, they will one of the lucky 3 that don't get molested, raped etc?  

    It is like waiting for evil to arrive…and setting out the doormat.

    Accepting the statistics, without challenging them, seems like such a defeatist attitude. A victims role…waiting for your luck to run out.

    What gets me riled up is the attitude that it is everywhere, in every religion and community, that no one church is more susceptible than any other…or that just because it was in my parents families, it doesn't mean it will find its way into mine.

    It is the ignorance as to how abuse works that keeps me writing and talking.  It is how many are not knowing who is more susceptible than others.  It is your relying upon the luck of the draw instead of actually making changes within your life to ward of the blows of evil.

    What many feel is that this 'evil' will come in via a stranger….hence, "stranger danger" is being taught.  And that they may escape by being lucky.  And, will try and eliminate the encounters with strangers.

    What if, like the statistics show, that 90% of the abuse is from someone you know and 50% of that is from a family member. Where then would you need to become more vigilant?  With Family and friends, right?  What precautions can you take? What actions are you willing to do to reduce the numbers of abuse happening?

    How well do you know your family and friends?

    I see the fight against abuse as many willing to fight the 10% of the statistics….strangers.  They are willing to make a stand against a stranger, but when it comes to family….well, family is family and sister is a sister no matter what. That you can't heal by cutting yourself from the family. That is just total insanity….and so goes the 'fight' against family abuse.

    Where 90% of abuse lives, very few are standing against it, which is why the numbers continue to flourish and rise.

    I am not embraced within the family, due to my harsh boundaries and lines I draw. A good moral code for strangers perhaps, but that shouldn't be used on family.

    Family gets to escape the harsh critical eye…it gets to ride along on the good times…you are to forgive and forget for the sake of the family unit.  No point in wrecking a 'good' family.  

    Wouldn't we all be good if we didn't look or acknowledge our mistakes? And, Is someone really good, just because we choose not to see and act upon their negative behavior?  

    I am seen as being difficult and judging, for seeing and responding to negative behavior. That I am the problem…not that there is a problem.  As long as you put your anger and stand agains me, you will save your family.

    Families will continue being destroyed by abuse as long as we fail to look at the family.  It seems totally insane to not look.  To not look and respond….but hope for and pray to be 'lucky'…while you are sitting in the midst of evil.

    It is like hoping there is no snow while sitting on a snowbank.

    The real lucky ones are the ones who can see the abuse and respond in kind.  

    I am lucky.






    You will have to become a troublemaker not a pacifist.

    I love that the strong and healthy, are the ones who are endeavoring to make our communities, and I will add families, better.

    It shows me that change, real change happens with the rebels.  I love how saints are not change agents.  



  • Keep things the same.

    I am reading the book "Awaken the Giant Within" By Anthony Robbins.  

    A quote first

    "Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, thre is one elementary truth – that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too." Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

    He goes on to write,

    "If making decisions is so simple and powerful, then why don't more people follow Nike's advice and "Just Do It"?  I think one of the simplest reasons is hat most of us don't recognize what it means to make a real decision. We don't realize the force of change that a congruent, committed decision creates.  Part of the problem is that for so long most of us have used the term "decision" so loosely that it's come to describe something like a wish list.  Instead of making decisions, we keep stating preferences.  Making a true decision, unlike saying, "I'd like to quit smoking, is cutting off any other possibility.  In fact, the word "decision"  comes from the Latin roots de, which means "from" and caedere, which means to cut.  Making a true decision means committing to achieving a result, and then cutting yourself off from any other possibility."

    "When you truly decide you'll never smoke cigarettes again, that's it. It's over!  You no longer even consider the possibility of smoking.  If you're one of the people who's ever exercised the power of decision in this way, you know exactly what I'm talking about. An alcoholic knows that even after years of absolute sobriety, if he fools himself into thinking that he can take even one drink, he'll have to begin all over again.  After making a true decision, even a tough one, most of us feel a tremendous amount of relief. We've finally gotten off the fence!  And we all know how great it feels to have a clear, unquestioned objective."

    "This kind of clarity gives you power. With clarity, you can produce results that you really want for your life.  The challenge for most of us is that we haven't made a decision in so long we've forgotten what it feels like.  We've got flabby decision making muscles!  Some people even have a hard time deciding what they are going to have for dinner."

    "So how do you strengthen these muscles?  Give them a workout!  The way to make better decisions is to make more of them. Then make sure you learn from each one, including those that don't seem to work out in the short term; they will produce valuable distinctions to make even better evaluations and therefore decisions in the future. Realize that decision making, like any skill you focus on improving, gets better the more often you do it. The more often you make decisions, the more you'll realize that you truly are in control of your life.  You'll look forward to future challenges, and you'll see them as an opportunity to make new distinctions and move your life to the next level."  Tony Robbins

    I did not know that decisions were about cutting from your life the things you no longer want.  

    I however completely understand and have made decisions that have affected my life.  I choose to no longer tolerate abuse in my life.  I cut it out.  I do not waver on this, nor is it a preference.

    The other part that I agree with is the part of ruling out the possibilities, by committing…and that decision making isn't about preferences, but rather about cutting from your life something you stand against.

    What I see lots of, in my family of origin, are poor decisions…or perhaps the lack of cutting from their lives…yet stating they too are against abuse.  Really?  What have you cut out?

    If you don't cut something out you have not made a decision…or perhaps you have made the decision to keep things the same.

  • Perfect in Change

    "I did not fail at being a basketball player nor did poetry fail me. More accurately, my inwardness evolved with enough life experience, so that moving bodily in the air evolved into the poet's dance of feeling which then evolved into the spirit's grace of being. I no more failed in my desire to be a basketball player than the cocoon fails the butterfly, though the form of the dream was painful to lose."

    "Living up to a dream is rarely as important as entering it for all it has to teach."

    Mark Nepo – The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have. 

    In reading this, I see how we often believe we Failed something, when we have actually evolved into a new way of being in the world.  He went from movement to feeling to spiritual being.

    Some may say I failed at being a Christian when I left the church. Yet I see it as a huge step in connecting to my soul that I wasn't able to reach within the confines of that religion.  Totally not a failure for me.

    Others will say that I failed at being a sister when I became estranged from my family.  I see it as raising the bar in my relationships.  I see it as requiring more for myself.  A higher awareness in relationships; knowing how each affected me and how I was required to be in some.  While I can appreciate their viewpoint of me, it is more about my viewpoint of me and seeing where the growth lies.  Again, not a failure to me at all.  I have grown in my relationships.

    I had seen myself as a failing mother, when I was actually doing my best with the mindset I had at the time.  It was a stage in my growth, something to press off from…a knowing of what was not working for my children.  This was perhaps the toughest growing I had to do.  And to know that I had caused lots of damage due to my lack of self awareness.

    If you see life in stages and levels of growth and changing, there really are no failures, just learning and evolving and becoming a deeper, broader, awakened self.

    I do find it utterly amazing to have gone from the blind faith of the church into the wide open space of spirituality and freedom to be me.  To have left the tight constraints of sins and threats of hell and damnation into feelings of heaven on earth.  

    And to have witnessed my changes…my dying of one self while birthing another. Of going from not feeling to feeling…of no expression to writing publicly and truthfully about matters deep inside of me.  Of sharing myself unbounded.

    The 360 transformation was all inside…

    I didn't fail at being a faithful follower…I followed blindly well.

    I didn't fail at being an abusive mother, I mothered at my level of knowing.

    I always have acted at my level of awareness and consciousness…without failure.

    My life changed when my inner self began getting restless…when doubts and resentments rose to a fever pitch that I could no longer ignore.  When what I tried to control, became uncontrollable.

    I believe that many are struggling now to maintain a life of following of going along to get along. That inside of them the unrest is getting harder to cap down.  That the strength it takes to keep control, keeps failing.

    It isn't that they are failing, it is that they are ready to go to the next stage.  It is time to change or die…by going deeper asleep in drugs and mindless religion.

    The Crysalis or the Butterfly Soup that Deepak Chopra called it…is the stage of great unknowing and can be fearful. Of leaving behind the life you have always known to step into the unknown.  To leave behind a self you are familiar with to one that is strange and new.

    If you can see yourself in stages, perhaps it will bring you peace while you are transforming. You are part caterpillar and new growing pains of butterfly…it is hard to find what is you, for parts are old and parts are new.  It is okay. All the ineptness and strangeness is perfectly perfect in change.


  • Born to do.

    I listened to Jean Houston on Oprah's Soul Series speak about the Heroes Journey…how we are asked to follow the lure of our souls…or die.

    I understood this.  I felt that I didn't have a choice but to follow where my soul led and it was leading me away from all that I knew…as Jean says, "somewhere over the rainbow..".  What I did know, is that I had to follow or I would have died.

    Not physically, but spiritually.  I would have ceased to be engaged with life.  I truly can't even begin to begin to visualize how my life would be today, had I not followed my inner voice and knowing into the unknown.

    What she describes as the heroes journey, is that we meet aspects of our disenfranchised self.  Our weakness and the places where we lost power and sense of self.

    She references the Wizard of Oz….and how the tin man had no heart.  My heart too was opened up following my own path.  The yellow brick road isn't a road without challenges, but rather one that leads you to finding a stronger sense of self worth and self knowing and integrity.  The path to being you.

    I feel that I am a hero in my own life for going against the voices of many and doing that which my soul needed me to do.  To walk away from family and church and so many beliefs that had distanced me from my body, mind and soul.

    My heroes journey was reconnecting me with all aspects of me…bringing me back to me.  

    The line I had envisioned was "I am lost and I am going to go and find myself. I didn't even know that I was missing or what I look like."  Heading out, out of what was comfortable for me into the land of the unknown…leaving behind all that I knew about me.

    I believe, that we are all asked to take this heroes journey…but some will pass.  And those that pass, are living lives in quiet desperation. And, some will have a life experiences that will catapult them onto the yellow brick road….that was me.

    The heroes journey isn't to be a hero for others, but rather being your own hero.  To stand up and save your self.  Find your truth and speak it.  Feel your feelings and give them a voice.  Open your heart to your self and accept your unique value…to stop waiting for someone to come and complete you.

    Following the lure of your soul…the desire and passion that calls to you….to leave behind what feels to be holding you down.  It is.

    I believe inside of all of us is the calling….it is up to each of us to stop listening to the outside voices and tune into our inner knowing.  It is there.

    The heroes journey is to follow your gut instincts, to listen to your inner child, to pay attention and be its servant.  The heroes journey is to save your unique self.  

    And for me, it was to rescue me from the hold of the church and the affects of abuse.  To find a way to free me and to find the aspects of myself that I had given away or distance myself from.

    What Jean speaks about is to enhance the mind, open the heart and to go deep into the soul….a heroes journey is to explore your self and find out who you are meant to be.  You doing what you were born to do.

    (Jean Houston's new book – "The Wizard of Us")

  • Around My Little Girl

    "Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness." 

    "If we are to live without silencing or numbing essential parts of who we are, a vow must be invoked and upheld within oneself. The same commitments we pronounce when embarking on a marriage can be understood internally as a devotion to the care of one's soul: to have and to hold … for better or for worse … in sickness and in health … to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

    "This means staying committed to your inner path. This means not separating from yourself when things get tough or confusing. This means accepting and embracing your faults and limitations. It means loving yourself no matter how others see you. It means cherishing the unchangeable radiance that lives within you, no matter the cuts and bruises along the way. It means binding your life with a solemn pledge to the truth of your soul." 

    "It is interesting that the nautical definition of marry is “to join two ropes end to end by interweaving their strands.” To marry one's soul suggests that we interweave the life of our spirit with the life of our psychology; the life of our heart with the life of our mind; the life of our faith and truth with the life of our doubt and anxiety. And just as two ropes that are married create a tie that is twice as strong, when we marry our humanness to our spirit, we create a life that is doubly strong in the world." Mark Nepo

    I totally get this, how we have to weave our soul's passion and truth into our human experiences.  I don't even believe that I knew my soul, until my life fell completely apart.  

    When the truth shattered my world, it didn't shatter my soul…and it was hanging on to what I called my little girl or my innocence…that I began weaving the essence of me into each situation.  If it wasn't good for my little girl (my soul), I did not do it.  

    I love this line "If we are to live without silencing or numbing essential parts of who we are, a vow must be invoked and upheld within oneself."

    It was hard to start living at 46 without silencing or numbing the essential parts of who I was…and I vowed to myself, to always do what was right for me and my soul, no matter what. In doing this, it has made me strong beyond belief.

    I also, like how he suggests to "interweave the life of our spirit with the life of our psychology; the life of our heart with the life of our mind; the life of our faith and truth with the life of our doubt and anxiety."

    I believed that prior, I lived in shattered fragmented pieces, never letting myself be joined together; for often my mind and my heart were at odds; that I would do what I felt I had to do, but not what would bring me peace.

    There is complete freedom and strength when you can weave all parts of you together so there is no inner turmoil.  I wonder, if what creates so many mental illnesses is due to the inner discontent between our mind and spirit…or heart and psychology etc?

    When I began the task that has taken 8 years and counting to weave my self back together, I had to exit relationships that would cause a war inside of me…and being okay with it being disruptive outside of me.  Meaning family being upset with my line in the cement etc.  I had to have my inner peace at all costs…for, in the past, I had allowed my insides to be a total mess while trying to clean up the outside world and IT DIDN'T WORK. 

    You can't change someone on the outside to bring you peace inside.  

    The only real change that will give you last peace, love and joy, is to weave together all parts of you….your mind, body and soul.

    That is what they say Yoga does, it brings the mind back to the body.  And I see it as bringing the mind into reality, to see what is, so that the body can move inkind.

    It is so easy when you can clearly see reality and when you have given your body/mind and soul permission to live with the truth and not run from it or cover it up or work to change it etc.  But, to be a seeker of the truth in all things and knowing you will be able to handle what it will ask of you.

    Truth will ask to respond to what it sees.

    Somehow there is great peace for me to be with the truth no matter its ugliness or how painful it can be…it allows me to be in the flow of life weaved together with strength inside of me.

    I literally have watched and marveled at the way I have grown up inside by knowing it was important to have no strands of disagreement inside.  I would work up a solution that we could all agree on. If one part of me wasn't happy…it wasn't done.

    In the beginning, before I understood the total affects of abuse, I had to envision inside of me this little girl and if this little girl wouldn't be happy, I did not do what others wanted.  For, I could see clearly now, a part of me that I had dumped years worth of duty upon, neglecting her needs, her desires, her passions and her fears.

    I no longer could care to care about what others needed or thought about me.  My only concern was the little girl inside.

    And, as I mothered myself, I was weaving together all parts of me bringing us all forward in peace, love and joy.

    I can see how we can have parts of us who are left at the age of our abuse, how we parts of us get left behind. These wounded parts need to be brought forward….to be expressed and then honored.

    What I feel deeply, is that my little girl was abused by my father, and it would be dishonoring to her, to then 'forgive' and forget and move on and continue in a relationship with him.  I instead forgave by accepting that the past could not have been any different, and in doing so moved away from this hurtful man.

    I also could see my mother's hand in helping to keep abuse in our home, by her lack of being able to do any different.  I too, forgave this by accepting her limitations that she could be any different….and in honoring my little girl, kept her away from my mother.

    It was a struggle at times, for the little girl and her needs were not what I had driven my life by before. And most often they were in a direct opposition of what I had lived by before.  But, now I honored her and only her.

    I gave up the fourth commandment.  I gave up "unconditional" love and had conditions for my little girl inside.

    The line I drew was around my little girl.


  • Filled with Joy

    More from Mary Pipher's book, "Seeking Peace"

    "With crises, some people dig deeper into their entrenched identities and hide in the pup tent of their old beliefs. Many people simply numb themselves with television or self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. Some people blame all their pain on others and never examine their own role in creating problems. Other sufferers shrink their worlds into something small and manageable but actually quite false. People with eating disorders are an example of this narrowing of scope. The questions of the day boil down to simply “Have I gained weight?”

    "For all people, regardless of the crisis, the cure is always growth.Looking back from the vantage point of five years, I understand that my winter of sorrow was a gift. As Parker Palmer said in an interview, “To move closer to God is to move closer to everything, both joy and sorrow, light and darkness.” We may experience post-traumatic stress reactions, but we are beginning a process of post-traumatic growth syndrome. Darkness and loss signal to us more clearly than anything else that it is time to expand our point of view."  

    What I love was the grouping of words, "Post Traumatic Growth Syndrome". We often hear about PTSD, but now how it can be the catalyst for growing up, if you are willing to face the pain…to sit with the emotions and feelings.

    And she further writes, "

    "I was captivated by the concept of mindfulness, which is described as a bird whose wings are compassion and awareness. I realized that my tendency to avoid confronting unpleasant reality had to do with my lack of compassion for myself. I couldn’t afford to look too closely at events or I might see my own imperfections. When I did that, I punished myself mercilessly. Then again, if I could learn to accept myself in all situations, I could afford to see clearly. I could learn to be honest and gentle."

    It is true, that when you can see the messy reality and not be afraid to see yourself as a mess and as dysfunctional as the dysfunction, you then can accept everything. I have found most people don't want to explore and examine the mess for they will see them selves in a light that is unattractive and very much imperfect.

    But, you can't expect to look at a dysfunctional past and only see the positive aspects of yourself.  IT is in seeing where you lacked awareness, reason and clear insight, that you find the answers. 

    She also wrote this…

    "One of the saddest things about despair is our attempt to deny it. To move toward our pain requires us to buck a well-tuned system of defenses. We repress, somatize, rationalize and avoid our own despair. Too often we give our deepest pain orders to march off a cliff, forgetting that this pain is our psyche’s way of encouraging us to take it easy and offer ourselves some compassion." Mary

    This I find is the first step….going toward the pain and letting our defenses down…and perhaps learning how to become compassionate to our wounds…instead of moving away, seeking 'only positive' aspects.

    To accomplish running from the past and all your inherited dyfunctional traits will not lead to a positive life.  You simply can't just think away the past…you have to literally go down to the depths and not hide in the pup tents of your beliefs.  

    It is the opposite of what your mind tells you.  It tells you that if you want a positive life, you have to steer wide and clear of all things negative and painful.  And, the opposite is true…you are just shrinking your world into something you can manage and calling it a 'positive life'.

    Oddly, the more you explore and examine you and your heritage and experiences, the more your world expands and the more aware you are and a bigger vantage point are you looking upon your world.

    Going into the pain is the doorway to a life filled with joy.