I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • A Pretend Life.

    Ed Bacon writes about Truth in his book, "8 Habits of Love – Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind".

    "It is important to remember that Truth is not a set of ideas anyone can memorize or systematize and then expect to earn some sort of certificate of accomplishment. Truth cannot be fully contained in one’s mind, words, concepts, or thoughts— it is too alive, vast, and out of human control for that. Rather, Truth is a constantly unfolding series of insights, understandings, revelations, and epiphanies about ourselves and how the world works. Not only do we learn from Truth until we take our last breath, but it has the potential to galvanize change on a large scale."

    "Recognize that no Truth can be entirely free of fear. My mentor, Rabbi Friedman, taught me that we may sometimes have to temporarily cut off relations with others in order to establish a healthier foundation for resuming that connection later. This can be a way of affirming that you are, in fact, open to the possibility of building a love-based relationship in the future, but to do so you must turn away from the old, destructive narrative for a while."

    "At times, living with our Truth will seem risky and alienating. We may struggle and need to take a hard look at why we do what we do and why we believe what we believe. Throughout our lives, when Truth leads us to a new level of understanding and defines our lives and our values, it often informs us that we are about to be transformed by setting up some internal conflict. If you experience this struggle and confusion, remember that this conflict is never the last word. The last word is a newfound and deeply founded peace and fortification to live our lives free from fear and in the embrace of our loving selves."  Ed Bacon

    I believe that I used to think, that certain people had a handle on truth, and the rest of us just 'believed' them.  Like for example, the church.  It seemed that I gave up all my own free investigation of my own life and handed it over to the church.  The church was the keeper of what is true and what is good, and I didn't have to worry, in fact, they wanted us to believe like a child.  Resting in the fact, that they would take care of us.

    They decided what was good and what was evil for me.  I didn't get to experience life and find that out for myself. Being born into this religion you were not given the opportunity to decide for yourself…you only have this as your guidepost about life. 

    I looked up the word Truth.  That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality: "tell me the truth".

    Truth being one with reality or fact…when often times many will want to hold a truth that has no roots…but it is a 'belief'…handed down.

    My life was based on the truth of the church and it wasn't until my whole life fell apart, did I realize I must be the one to discern what is true for me.

    My Truth I discovered had to be grounded in reality.  I would not just 'believe' but rather I looked for facts and actions…and in doing so, It led me to be the odd man out.

    Most folks do not care whether their lives are rooted in truth.  What they care most about are keeping old relationships and ways of life that they are comfortable with.

    To live by your own authenticity and integrity will require you to stand in awkward places and oftentimes, stand alone with your truth.  

    It seems that humanity likes to clump together, to feel that the more people you have believing in a truth, the more truthful that truth is…but, I have read "Even if a million people believe something that is untrue, it still is untrue."

    I used to find comfort in numbers and not in the truth.

    Now, I get unsettled when I can't find the roots of truth.  I don't like truth that has no ground to it.  My mind can't believe things without roots…nor can it pretend a truth into being.

    I have lived a life with truths that had no meaning and it was a very disturbing life upon waking up.  Now, I would rather be disturbed while awake…and see the truth.

    I believe most people believe that they are living a very truthful life, that their actions and words are all rooted in a truthful system…but very few have excavated their belief systems or questioned their lives.  

    And, I guess if your life is working for you, there are no reasons to begin to look deeply at why you do that which you do. Why you believe what you believe. Why you see the world as you see it. There is no need, until the world tilts and your life becomes a complicated mess.

    What I do know, is that the truth was never hidden in my world, but rather my mind believed things that were not true.  I acted from a point of falsehood and called it my truth.

    Calling it MY Truth, didn't make it true.

    After years of living a life that wasn't grounded in facts or reality, I now am a stickler for them…I want me to be at one with truth, no matter the cost.

    And the cost oftentimes is quite high.

    But, I would rather rest in the truth, than to live a life detached from it.

    Detached from the truth is to be living a pretend life…




  • Learner of Abuse.

    I am reading "8 Habits of Love – Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind by Ed Bacon. 

    It is interesting in how we see ourselves in our story, as a victim, a hero or a learner.

    In writing the story three ways, you will see the difference in feelings within each.

    Somehow in lots of my writings, I do start out as the victim, then can go into the hero mold, but the learner role is one that I am most intrigued with.  By the end of each blog, I usually learn something not only about abuse, but about my life.  Here is what Ed wrote.

    "My friend and co-worker, Theodora, introduced me to a transformative rubric for life that was developed by Betty Sue Flowers, an author and educator. In a conference Theodora attended, the presenter asked everyone to write a brief outline of their autobiography in three different ways: first as a victim, then as a hero, and finally as a learner."

    "Those are three very different stories with three very different energies, and three very different outcomes. A victim feels the need to be defended, vindicated, or avenged. A hero needs justification, ego promotion, or validation."

    "And a learner? A learner seeks illumination, correction, and direction."

    "Learners open themselves to discovering the new in every situation, particularly challenging ones. To use a powerful phrase of Archbishop Tutu’s, the victim and hero mind-sets want only to perpetuate the “safe sameness”— the predictable and familiar. This is a closed mind-set. When I’m coming to Stillness, I frequently start out feeling more like a victim or a hero. Once I relax more deeply, I know that something transformative and fear reversing is going on as I feel myself relaxing, lowering my defenses, opening up, and becoming a learner."  Ed Bacon

    If we look at life as a learner of it, we will be more open, more expansive and more eager to explore the whys of our lives.  

    Learning about me and how I was formed, what my make up was and why I did the things I did and what was my frame of mind and or level of awareness has been a great lesson in learning about me.

    Being a Learner leaves you living in a wide open space…free to explore and be.  I will now say, I am a learner of abuse.


  • Grace of Truth

    One factor in abuse, is that many are taught the wrong definition of "Unconditional" love.  Here is what Mark Nepo says about that.

    "Unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the deep vow to never, under any condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other."

    "Much is said about unconditional love today, and I fear that it has been misconstrued as an extreme form of “turning the other cheek,” which to anyone who has been abused is not good advice. However, this exaggerated passivity is quite different from the unimpeded flow of love that carries who we are."

    "In truth, unconditional love does not require a passive acceptance of whatever happens in the name of love. Rather, in the real spaces of our daily relationships, it means maintaining a commitment that no condition will keep us from bringing all of who we are to each other honestly."

    "For example, on any given day, I might be preoccupied with my own needs, and might overlook or bruise what you need and hurt you. But then you tell me and show me your hurt, and I feel bad, and you accept that sometimes I go blind to those around me. But we look deeply on each other, and you accept my flaws, but not my behavior, and I am grateful for the chance to work on myself. Somehow, it all brings us closer."

    "Unconditional love is not the hole in us that receives the dirt, but the sun within that never stops shining."  Mark Nepo "The Book of Awakening"

    The FALC, preaches "forgiveness of sins" in a way that is strikingly similar to the messed up unconditional love Mark speaks of.  The reason that sexual and physical abuse is so prevalent in the church is that the women and children (or the abused) are taught it isn't loving to have conditons.  

    What seems insanity is what they call loving forgiveness.

    They are taught, there is no sin too great to forgive. You are to grow your love to encompass all madness and abusive behavior. The bigger the mess the more you have to expand your love to enfold it.  And if you can't, you are weak of faith.

    You are not loving enough, good enough, trying hard enough….etc.  NOT, that the EVIL is evil and you can't be loving enough to change it. 

    Women who are taught to be loving and kind to evil is how evil gets passed on.

    Teaching women who have had no boundaries to start standing up is very risky as well, but I can feel the restlessness and when one makes it out, others will follow.

    Tom Rosemurgy and Dial Help are two places where these women can go…

    I see the overview of the church as an incredible nest of evil and those who were taught to tolerate and love it.

    The sheer volume of women and children who allow and agree to being treated poorly in the name of love and Jesus is mind blowing at best.  Who in their right mind would believe that Jesus would bless this evil?

    Mind controlling love is the only way this evil will survive.  

    I am hopeful, that there has been a leak in the system. That the new generation of women are stirring, that they are bolder, stronger and will not lie down in god's peace…but will rise and fight for themselves and their children.

    The way sexual abuse and evil have been protected in the FALC, makes me shudder and grow cold.  The complete opposite of what many believe…the church to be.  There  is no peace of God in there.  None. It is the play ground of the devil…where love is stolen to support evil.

    I feel the foundations are beginning to crumble…we are no longer silent about the treatment…and more importantly, the forgiveness of sins is failing miserably.

    It is taught, that you can't get to heaven until you have your sins forgiven….what they really are teaching, is that evil needs to be forgiven.  Evil needs to be washed clean, time and time again…and it needs the women and children to do this.

    I feel the women are tired.  The pain has had its toll. The inner stirrings are growing stronger than the 'faith' in unconditional love. 

    I am hopeful, that one by one the numbers will grow and expand.  It will be a split like this church has never seen.  This time they will be leaving, not to find a new religion, but to end to abuse.

    Women will be leaving hell holes of god's peace…into the Grace of Truth.

    (I use a small g in god's peace…for this is the private hand shake among the FALC, and I feel there is no peace of God in that church.  Not in the evil doers, nor in the ones who suffer beneath them.)



  • Extreme was Normal.

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul – The journey beyond yourself" he writes about balance or how it is to live in the extremes.

    "The more extreme you are, the less forward movement there is. You carve a groove and you get stuck in it. Then there’s no energy moving you in the Tao; it’s all being spent serving the extremes. The Way is in the middle because that’s the place where the energies are balanced. But how do you stop the pendulum from swinging to the outer edges? Amazingly enough, you do this by leaving it alone. It won’t keep swinging to the extremes unless you feed the extremes with energy. Just let the extremes go. Don’t participate in them, and the pendulum will naturally come toward the center. As it comes to the center, you will get filled with energy. This is because all the energy that had been wasted is now available to you." 

     "If you choose to center and not participate in the extremes, you will come to know the Tao. You don’t grab it; you don’t even touch it. It’s just what the energy does when it’s not being used to swing toward the extremes. It finds its own way to the center of each event that takes place in life and remains quietly in the middle. The Tao is hollow, empty. Like the eye of a hurricane, its power is its emptiness. All things swirl around it, but it is unmoved. The swirl of life draws its energy from the center and the center draws its energy from the swirl of life. All these laws are the same— in weather, in nature, and in every aspect of your life." 

    "As you center by not participating in the swings, the energies will naturally find their balance. You will become much clearer because so much energy is flowing up in you. The experience of being present in each moment will become your natural state. You won’t be fixated on certain things or caught up in thoughts about the opposites. As you get clearer, life’s events will actually seem to unfold in slow motion. Once this happens, events will no longer seem confusing or overwhelming, no matter what they are."  Michael Singer

    I completely understand this, how those who care less, have the most power, for they are not worried about taking care of the extremes.  He gives an example…

    "Basically, you waste tremendous energy at the extremes. The more extreme it is, the more it becomes a full-time project. For example, the relationship in which you insist upon being together all the time would be a full-time job. The only way you could have another job is if you both did the same work at the same desk. At the other extreme, if you had no relationship and you were lonely and depressed all the time, you couldn’t accomplish much. So again, it takes all your energy to do the extremes. The inefficiency of your actions is determined by how many degrees off-center you are. You will be that much less able to use your energy for living life because you are using it to adjust for the pendulum swings. Extremes are good teachers. When you examine the extremes, it’s easy to see the effects of imbalanced behavior patterns." Michael

    This has got to be one of the hardest things I had to learn…for lived in the extremes…either caring too much or not at all…to find the spot of it not mattering either way, but yet being in power of myself was an extremely hard to do.  I literally had to talk myself off of the extreme ledge.

    And, more importantly come to believe in the middle.

    It seems insane that I had to convince myself that being safe in the middle of empowerment of self was far better than living on the edge feeling control by the virtue of being at home out of control.  I know that this is a confusing sentence, but then so was my life.

    My power now is when I am not wanting anything too desperately.

    I can't care too much and I can't complete give up….instead I live in the middle and wonder which way will the Universe play this out.

    I have to be in the game, but not betting on either end.

    I live mostly in the center.  There are times, when I scurry to the edge and want to camp there, but I feel so yucky feeling so powerless and pathetic….so I I let go and bounce back to center.

    It is such an interesting dance once you understand the difference of how it feels inside to want something so desperately and being so powerless to do anything….it is then, you have to let go.

    Amazingly letting go immediately takes you back to the middle of "it can't matter" and that I will be okay, NO MATTER which way it goes.

    I know that when the stakes are the highest, when you believe that your life will either be worth living or not worth living, it is then you have to let go.

    I had a saying I used to fool myself…I would say "for now".  I will let them go for now…but not putting the tag of "forever" on the end.  I could always let go for a few minutes, a few hours and eventually for days, weeks….and years.

    My life would be one big sob, if I still lived on the extreme ends.

    I have learned by sorrow to stay away from the edges.  It seems that insanity lives on the edges and in the middle is a balanced life.  A life without preferences.

    I had to remove what I wanted…

    I had to accept what was.

    I didn't know how I would live away from the edge, for the edge held my old life.

    When you think about abuse and cult like religions….they both are extremes.

    I was raised to feel extreme was normal.  

  • Living Things.

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul – The journey beyond yourself" he writes about death in a way that I have never heard before.

    "Let’s say you’re living life without the thought of death, and the Angel of Death comes to you and says, “Come, it’s time to go.” You say, “But no. You’re supposed to give me a warning so I can decide what I want to do with my last week. I’m supposed to get one more week.” Do you know what Death will say to you? He’ll say, “My God! I gave you fifty-two weeks this past year alone. And look at all the other weeks I’ve given you. Why would you need one more? What did you do with all those?” If asked that, what are you going to say? "

    "How will you answer? “I wasn’t paying attention… I didn’t think it mattered.” That’s a pretty amazing thing to say about your life."  Michael Singer

    Isn't it incredible when you see it this way?  

    It is amazing when you think of all the weeks and days we have had to live.  To do with this one life as we please.  

    Or have you not been free to live as you would like to live?  

    What is more scary to be in a life you don't believe in or to walk out of that life into the unknown?

    What would a life review look like if you had to take one today?  Would you stand by your life with full confidence you gave it your all, would you consider your life one that had great moments punctuated by peaceful enjoyment, offset by small journeys of hardship, back into new adventures; a growing work of art?  

    Would you see the growing sections and the places where you skipped a lesson and then had to do an even harder test?  Or would you see how fear stopped you from learning about life, expressing your feelings, spilling forth emotions messily, to maintain the facade of a 'regular' life?

    Are you passing the lessons or living a life of quiet desperation hoping for things to change, but NOT you.

    Today, as I sit here…I feel that I have lived two lives. One in compliance and one unruly.  

    I am in my unruly life.

    I love my unruly life.  

    My life of compliance was lived due to fear of not being accepted, loved or approved of.

    My life of being unruly means, I didn't care how my life felt to you…It only mattered how my life felt to me.

    Unruly on the outside means living a peaceful inside.


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    I had read somewhere long ago, that our insides should be calm like a mill pond. Mine are.  

    I am at peace with who I am…and how I lived. I did the best within each level of awareness I had.  And, when I knew better, I did better, as Dr. May Angelou says. 

    I am not done growing, the Death Angel has not arrived to give me my last week of life, so until then, I will live so as to not waste a moment.  I will strive to see as much as I can see…and do my life's passions…what makes my spirit come alive…filling my days full of artful things, natures things, family things, loving things, learning things, LIVING things!




  • Avoid the Pain.

    In the "Untethered Soul – The Journey beyond Your Self" By Michael Singer…he writes about how our inside fears determine our life.

    "People end up using their relationships to hide their thorns. If you care for each other, you are expected to adjust your behavior to avoid bumping into each other’s soft spots. This is what people do. They let the fear of their inner thorns affect their behavior. They end up limiting their lives just like someone living with an external thorn. Ultimately, if there is something disturbing inside of you, you have to make a choice. You can compensate for the disturbance by going outside in an attempt to avoid feeling it, or you can simply remove the thorn and not focus your life around it. Do not doubt your ability to remove the root cause of the disturbance inside of you. It really can go away. You can look deep within yourself, to the core of your being, and decide that you don’t want the weakest part of you running your life. You want to be free of this. You want to talk to people because you find them interesting, not because you’re lonely. You want to have relationships with people because you genuinely like them, not because you need for them to like you. You want to love because you truly love, not because you need to avoid your inner problems."  Michael Singer

    If you really understand this, you will totally get why you are drawn to different folks, why you make the choices you make, depending upon the thorn you are trying to hide…and IF you have worked the thorn out, you truly can move around the planet without worrying about being hurt.

    We all know each others hot buttons, what we really are talking about is the inner thorn, the weakest part of the person, that they are protecting. Which then makes us only as strong as our weakest spot.

    It is amazing how we literally configure our life so as not to feel this inner pain…so the inner pain ends up leading our life, not us.

    I built a whole life upon keeping me away from my abuse.  Nothing was in place for me, the spirit of me, but all was in place to keep the thorn from being felt and known.

    My life reflected the very thorn I was trying to hide.

    It was beautifully displayed in its horrific darkness…from the family who didn't discuss deeply, to the church who forbid questions, etc. My very small narrow life was lived so the world didn't disturb the thorn.

    Hard to explain in a short blog post, but just know, that any free will or open mind or new way, freaked out the protector of the thorn.  I needed to be around other thorn protecting folks.  Folks who too, didn't want to dig deeper than the surface scratch, who cultivated friendships and relationships that would keep the thorn nestled in quietly.

    I couldn't be around folks who asked too many questions about my narrow ways, for even I didn't know why why why I had to be this way.  How it was imperative that I didn't stray off the narrow road of control.  

    Who knew that my thorn was the legacy of abuse, and the behaviors I lived by was hammered into me, to keep the thorn hidden and not poking out.

    Once, I have sat eye to eye, heart to heart, and felt to the depth of my soul, the pain of the thorn's content…I can now live my life free.

    There are no weak spots slurping up my life's choices.

    I am free to live life, not to live a life protecting the unfelt thorn.


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    Moving my life by the music of my soul…dancing in love, peace and joy and not side stepping to avoid the pain.

  • Side of the Parent.

    I listened to Andrew Vachss and Oprah sharing each others thoughts about children who have been abused and what is helpful or not helpful to the child…as well as the abusers.  He is a lawyer who defends children for free. He funds this by writing novels.  I ordered his book, "Another Chance to get it Right."

    Today what I learned was that children will turn one of three ways after abuse; Inward against themselves…outward against society…or turn insane.  None of the three is a path of pure potential.  What our challenge then is is to turn back to being empowered with self pride and self worth. Instead of beating ourselves or others or just going out of our minds.

    He also stated that there are sick people who have thoughts about abusing children and then there are evil people who not only have thoughts about hurting children, but actually act upon it.  That part of the sexual gratification is to hurt someone.  It isn't a by product, but part of the main act.  It is required to have someone in fear and pain.

    He and I agree on the way most handle forgiveness of these evil folks…is when you forgive them, you are releasing them to hurt again.  This is not helpful.  It is not caring if they hurt another, just that you are safe.

    Evil folks know what they are doing.  If they say they are not aware, it is an outright lie.  The trade secrets of a abusers is to ask for US to forgive them…while they promise nothing.  No sorry, no "I will change and seek treatment" but rather they make us to do the work to restore their reputations….and we do.  

    He showed Oprah how she was part of the camouflage that protected her uncle, by not wanting to disrupt the family, and instead act normal. This is the exact behavior they depend upon to hide behind. You need to act normal so they can continue to prey upon the children. 

    What I have told so many members of the FALC, that while you look upon these pedophiles as normal, you are sending messages to the kids, that 'there is nothing wrong' with that man.  You are the camouflage he hides behind. You are shielding him!

    Andrew spoke of breaking the cycle of abuse by breaking apart the family. I agree.

    What he also brought to my attention is that people who have been abused will show outrage when hearing about another incident, but rarely show rage towards their own abusers.  He says, that until you are enraged at your abuser, you can't move on.

    You carry the weight of the rage within you.  I agree.

    I look forward to reading his book….

    He speaks from the viewpoint of the child.  Which I believe is the only way we will change the cycle of abuse.  No longer will it be politically correct to take the side of the parent!

  • Love has no Fear

    My journey of self exploration and discovery has unearthed a multiple of crossed wires and messy connections.  It appears that I was wired all wrong due to both the cult like religion as well as abuse…leaving my perception of the world askew. Being a mother, my gravest concern was in how much of my programming was ingested by my daughters.

    It isn't the physical act of abuse, but the screwy wiring that does the most damage.

    How will untangling my wires straighten out my daughters?  And will they each have to witness in their own lives the tangled mess of labeling what is good… bad and bad into good?  Will each of them have to stand head to head with reality and have to work their minds to see the truth?  Flipping it around and around like a rubic's cube.

    I am struck how incredibly hard it is to be the first to see the family perceptions are worn backwards.  How it is to be the first to awaken and look around….for others are seeing the world with backwards glasses and are not only content, but living in the lap of 'normal'… and safety.

    I believe that the legacy of abuse isn't just passing on egregious acts of abuse, but also passing on twisted perceptions to our children.

    Unless and until you have witnessed the contents of your mind being a complete representation of reality, you will not get this.

    My biggest failure as a mother, was handing down wrong perceptions of reality.

    Children come in with clear eyes and we cloud them over with a film of illusion…by coaching them to see the world through our eyes.

    My children were raised to see one way…and now I have changed the way I see things.  They now have a choice.  

    And, they will not know there is a choice, until they witness within themselves the horror of believing something to be good…only to find the shocking truth of what is really going on.

    I do find comfort in a few things. One that I can see clearly…if not right away, I can usually find my way clear after looking upon a situation from many points of Light.  

    And the biggest thing is that I realize the condition of my children's minds and how they got that way.  I understand them, because I understand me.

    I will not blame them on their poor choice.  I will see them making a choice based upon the wrong perceptions they were taught. 

    All I can do as a mom, is to point out the differences in reality. And leave the choice making up to them…and the consequences.

    For what is even worse than the mixed up wiring in your mind, is living with the consequences of those backwards choices.

    My mixed up mind made it okay to go to my father's home with my girls.  A home of a pedophile…was Grandpa's house.

    My mixed up mind felt at home in a cult.

    My mixed up mind could not see itself clear of the mess…for the mess itself presented the hugest obstacle.

    At times I feel the weight of all I taught so wrong…and at others feel great gulps of relief, knowing I am now able to help my children see…if and when they find themselves lost in-between reality and my old mind.

    The old saying "When the bird and the book disagree….believe the bird."  

    When reality and your mind disagree…believe that which you can touch and feel…and see without effort, without struggle.

    Reality in the raw doesn't need a belief or a thought to keep it standing up.  It stands on its own unaided…without words.

    Truth is hard to see when your mind has had you convinced it is good.  It will change to bad.

    My father's behaviors, his life, his history was completely eclipsed or overturned to be something the polar opposite…as did my mother's.

    Reality has stood the test of time.  It continues to reflect itself in the lives of my father's children and their children. 

    The legacy of not seeing clearly is how abuse slips undetected or is called Love and family.

    Missing reality, missing the mark,is the path that leads you away from your self and into a land of make believe.

    In reading Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul"….it is mostly about being tethered to a mind that isn't with reality.  

    Abuse tethers the mind so you are held against your free will…to see that which isn't there to see.

    The abuser has convinced you that it is something that it isn't.

    It is a secret.  A private special interaction.  To be kept in the dark…away from family. It is something only you two have…excluding all others. You are tethered to the dark or you will lose their 'love'.

    Not unlike the FALC church. The only one going to Heaven…we are special, excluding all others.  The similarities of cult and abuse are remarkable…where fear and love go hand and hand.

    Love that isn't allowed into the light of day is not love it is abuse.  My mind is now clear on this.

    Love has no fear.




  • Talking Loudly about my Abuse.

    The book, "The Untethered Soul- The Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael Singer is filled with insights about how we navigate this world and how our perceptions are crucial in how we live our lives….as well as how we use energy.  

     I found these paragraphs described the changes in my life.  How I used to live in fear and now I live open to what is…as life presents itself.

     "Ultimately, if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow. All your habits and idiosyncrasies will stay the same. Life becomes stagnant when people protect their stored issues. People say things like, “You know we don’t talk about that subject around your father.” There are all these rules about things that are not supposed to happen outside because they could cause disturbance inside. Living like this allows for very little spontaneous joy, enthusiasm, and excitement for life. Most people just go from day to day protecting themselves and making sure nothing goes too wrong. At the end of the day, when someone asks, “How was your day?” a normal response is, “Not too bad,” or “I’ll survive.” What is that telling you about their view of life? They see life as a threat.  A good day means you made it through without getting hurt.  The longer you live like this, the more closed you become."

    "If you really want to grow, you have to do the opposite. Real spiritual growth happens when there is only one of you inside. There’s not a part that’s scared and another part that’s protecting the part that’s scared. All parts are unified. Because there is no part of you that you’re not willing to see, the mind is no longer divided into the conscious and subconscious. Everything you see inside is just something you see inside. It’s not you; it’s what you see. There is simply the pure energy pouring inside of you that creates the ripples of thoughts and emotions, and there is the consciousness that’s aware of it. There is simply you watching the dance of the psyche." 

    "Begin by seeing the tendency to protect and defend yourself. There is a very deep, innate tendency to close, especially around your soft spots. But eventually you will notice that closing creates tremendous work. Once you close, you have to make sure that what you protected doesn’t get disturbed. You then carry this task for the rest of your life. The alternative is to become conscious enough to simply watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. You can then give yourself the ultimate gift by deciding not to do that anymore. You decide, instead, to get rid of that part." 

    "Once you’ve made the commitment to free yourself of that scared person inside, you will notice that there is a clear decision point at which your growth takes place. Spiritual growth is about the point at which you start to feel your energy change."   Michael Singer

    What I have noticed since I have stopped defending my sore spots, is that people truly do live this awkward posture.  They are not free to live, they simply survive another day of not being hurt…yet they are crippled and don't know it.  They are living with their body and life curved into itself trying to protect the pains they don't want to feel.

    My husband's family nature is to not talk about it…and hope for a new change… tomorrow…without actually doing anything.  

    In my experience, it doesn't work, for they are not willing to enter into places of uncomfortableness.  I have experienced great trauma and no one asks me about it. And yet, when I enter the room, trauma came with me. It was the elephant, while we made small talk around it.  

    When I was the elephant, I felt that they didn't want to engage with me, for it was too uncomfortable.  

    My history, my life was too uncomfortable for them to enter into, so I was left out and instead we all pretended we wanted to discuss the weather, politics….etc.

    I feel sensitive now to how a child must feel, when abuse happens to them, and their adults are not comfortable talking about things that make them uncomfortable….the child feels they are the cause. When in fact, the child is only bumping into the sore spot inside of the adult, that the adult wants to protect.  

    In my experience, the adults in my life, at the time of my abuse, choose to defend their own inner pain…and did not enter into my uncomfortable reality of abuse.

    NOT talking about it…is not a cure for abuse.

    I am still talking and entering into uncomfortable places, for I do not want a child to believe that their abuse makes them a leper in our society….

    I looked up the word Leper to see if I had this correct.  

    Leper

    "A person who is avoided or rejected by others for moral or social reasons: "she was a social leper".

    It is my opinion that we the abused are made to feel like lepers, due to the fact that folks want to avoid and reject uncomfortable topics.   This is due not so much to what happened to us, but what is inside of them.

    They don't want to feel their own pain, so they reject and avoid us.

    A huge flag is waving in your family and life, if you are not able to be comfortable with the uncomfortable subjects in life.  It means you have a wound inside of you your are protecting and defending.  As you close around your wound, you are closing me out.

    There is a wall I bump up against.  A cement barrier inside of them.  They blame me for being the cause of their uncomfortableness…when in fact, they can't get near me due to the sore spot inside of them.  In defending that, they hurry away from me.

    What I know for certain their are millions of abused children, adult children who are left alone, rejected and avoided…not due to being abused, but rather due to this pervasive reflex to protect their own inner pain.

    If your parents are still unhealed, you will not find an oasis there…you will not be welcomed in with your pain, but rather avoided and rejected.  We, the abused take this personally, that there is now something wrong with us…that we are damaged and that someone you love, doesn't want to be near you.

    We are now unlovable.

    We are now untouchable.

    We are rejected and avoided…now that abuse has happened to us.

    The reason abuse continues to flow is because each generation will not be with the hurt child, for instead they are protecting their pain inside of them. They don't want to feel pain, so they leave the wounded child alone.  

    Until the wounded adult children of abuse stand up and feel their pain, abuse will flow to the next generation.  When your child is in pain, you will reject them….look away and find a 'bright' spot to focus on.  You will let your child deal alone with their pains….Teaching them, that pain is something to keep hidden.

    Hiding pain is the sole reason abuse flourishes.

    I will continue to Live LOUD.  Talking loudly about my abuse.  





     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Into Reality

    I am reading, "The Untethered Soul – The Journey beyond Yourself" by Michael Singer.  Here are a few paragraphs that I find so remarkable as to how it is that we are not all seeing the same thing.  Our minds are concocting a story first.

    "Take a moment to examine the difference between your experience of the outside world and your interactions with the mental world. When you’re just thinking, you’re free to create whatever thoughts you want in your mind, and these thoughts are expressed through the voice. You are very accustomed to settling into the playground of the mind and creating and manipulating thoughts. This inner world is an alternate environment that is under your control. The outside world, however, marches to its own laws. When the voice narrates the outside world to you, those thoughts are now side by side, in parity, with all your other thoughts. All these thoughts intermix and actually influence your experience of the world around you. What you end up experiencing is really a personal presentation of the world according to you, rather than the stark, unfiltered experience of what is really out there. This mental manipulation of the outer experience allows you to buffer reality as it comes in. For example, there are myriad things that you see at any given moment, yet you only narrate a few of them. The ones you discuss in your mind are the ones that matter to you. With this subtle form of preprocessing, you manage to control the experience of reality so that it all fits together inside your mind. Your consciousness is actually experiencing your mental model of reality, not reality itself."

    "Basically, you re-create the outside world inside yourself, and then you live in your mind. What if you decided not to do this? If you decide not to narrate and, instead, just consciously observe the world, you will feel more open and exposed. This is because you really don’t know what will happen next, and your mind is accustomed to helping you. It does this by processing your current experiences in a way that makes them fit with your views of the past and visions of the future. All of this helps to create a semblance of control. If your mind doesn’t do this, you simply become too uncomfortable. Reality is just too real for most of us, so we temper it with the mind."  Michael Singer

    The reasons we believe our minds, is that we want to stay in control of the world. And I believe, that those of us who were abused as children, hide further in the mind, that we truly don't want to see reality, for reality is terror.

    To stop the words and thoughts imposing on reality seems like child's play…but try it. Try entering each moment silently without a thought.

    What happened to me, is that the voices who were transposing reality were found out to be frauds.  I had lived my whole 46 years in my mind…never once seeing what was really going on.  My mind transposed a literal word world for me, and I believed it.  I was in reality with my body, but living in my mind.

    Each of us, who have been abused and who can't see that the abusers as an abuser and not a father or mother, sister, brother and friend…are living in their minds.

    The difference between stepping out in the raw world without a mind first is to see what is…as it is.  Making no excuses or going to your mind for a nicer cover.  Just to let things be as they are…raw.

    From my experience with my family and the FALC, is that very few are actually living outside of their minds.  In fact, if you live in your mind, you can pretend to have life exactly as you wish.  You can bless away any sin and return that man back into a father, you can have 'forgiveness' by staying in your mind…and never stepping into reality. 

    When you live in your mind, you don't even know that you are not in reality…the mind will not let you get there, for its task you assigned it was to create a dialogue to keep you from here.

    Just like in the big malls, there is a map and then a spot, "You are Here." 

    The new challenge for humanity is to go out of their minds and into reality.