I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • Get us back

    As I was mowing the grass yesterday, I wondered if all Mental Illnesses mean you are not in reality?  That the meaning of being ill in your mind, is when you can't see or be with reality? While there are different stages of not being in reality, are all various degrees… being removed from what is truly going on?

    What I do know from my experience, is that as a child of abuse, IF you can't speak of it, and must hide it, you are forced to live in an alternate reality…you could say forced to make your mind come up with a nicer version of where you live.  And this is the seed that starts our Mental Illness.

    The beginning of being 'sick' with reality.  

    I think many will focus or see "Mental Illness" as a mind that has gone wrong, but not how or what its causes are.  Just seeing it as a broken mind, but not looking at this from a wider viewpoint, doesn't give the overall picture of what it truly means as an application in life?

    Perception is all we change when we are asked to keep a secret.

    We are not changing the person who has abused us, JUST our perceptions of him/her.

    And this change of perception is the cause or being mental in reality.

    What many have suggested to me, is that I went mental, when I flopped into reality and became unmoveable there.  I would no longer 'change my perception' I became rooted in reality, no matter their pleads, their reasons, their needs….I was like a rock.

    I clung to reality like it was my life line and I refused to let go.  

    Now I know that my life prior was a life of mental illness, where a huge proportion of it was lived with incorrect perceptions.

    What I didn't know is that I was a highly functioning mental lady…at the time.  I was not able to know my perceptions were all wrong about my childhood and family.  

    Knowing this is common place after abuse, makes me normal.

    Here is what Terry Wise wrote in her book, "Waking Up".

    "Does not talking about it allow you to become less aware of it?" (Betsy her therapist asked)

    "I guess not," I replied, suddenly realizing that of course, I was always aware of the things that bothered me.  But, prompting a more extensive discussion about my anxiety by admitting this to Dr. Glaser was another matter. "Regardless, it still feels worse to talk about it," I continued."

    "It may feel worse at first, Terry. But, I believe in facing our feelings head on, not running from them. Talking about the anxiety over and over again will give you a different understanding of it.  If you develop a different understanding, you will eventually feel less anxious," Betsy said, attempting to reassure me."

    "Yes, but that doesn't mean I can't hate talking about how I feel," I replied."

    "What feelings do you hate talking about?"

    "Anxiety and loneliness. Even when I am with people, I feel alone."  I soon learned that the more uncomfortable or anxious I became, the more Betsy pushed. What's more, from this session forward, she always knew when to push, as my discomfort was written in red, all over my face."

    "Do you ever remember feeling like this before?" she asked."

    "Like what:" I stalled."

    "Anxious, alone, or anything else you are feeling right now," Betsy sighed rolling her eyes at having to drag every word out of me."

    "Yes, plenty of times. Except for the years Pete was healthy, I've probably felt like this most of my life.  I've never felt so disconnected," I explained.  My face instantly began to flush again.  I had always been an expert at creating appearances, choosing when and where to maintain my composure. That was over.  My anatomy forced my hand."

    "Terry, why are you so anxious? What haven't you told me?" she persisted. I could hardly hear her words over the pound calypso drums that now inhabited the inside of my heart."

    "I don't want to say."

    "Why not?"

    "Because, then it will become true," I replied, surprising myself with the insight.  Until I voiced this answer, even I had never been fully aware of this fear."

    "I don't understand.  Explain that to me," Betsy demanded.

    "Because saying things out loud is different.  If I don't put some of my thoughts into words, I can still hold onto the chance that my beliefs may not be true,"  I explained. Somehow I had deduced that hearing my thoughts aloud could transform a feeling into a reality."

    "But if you talk about your thoughts, maybe there will be a different way to understand them," Betsy suggested.

    "There isn't any other way.  I already understand exactly what I'm feeling. Believe me Betsy, I know certain things about myself, and they are undeniable no matter how you look at them," I insisted."

    "There are always other ways. Terry, do you remember how you felt when I first talked about Louis and the abuse?  You've felt like this before, but after you talked, your perspectives changed in ways that you hadn't perdicted. What are these 'things' that you know about yourself? What are you so afraid to say out loud?"

    "Anxiety throbbed in every organ of my body. Even my tongue felt like it had a heart of its own.  Throughout my adult life, I had numerous experiences with public speaking. Even if I was rattling inside, my complexion had never changed, and I always remained poised.  Now however, I had no choice but to step forward."

    "Mostly its that I am a fraud," I confessed, inhaling deeply."

    "What do you mean?"

    "I'm not the person that people think I am. There is so much about me that people don't know."

    "What don't they know?" Betsy asked."

    "They don't know how I feel about life or myself. Generally, people think I have my shit together, that I am confident, and self-assured. I've scammed everyone into believing that I'm someone I'm not," I answered.

    "So then tell me, Terry, who are you?" Betsy asked.

    "I would rather not say."

    "Why not?"

    "Because, like I told you, once I say it, it will be for real," I repeated."

    "You mean that as long as you don't say the words, how you feel won't be real?" Betsy would not let up for a moment."

    "I suppose," I answered, feeling her reasoning loosen my stronghold."

    "Please Terry.  I want you to tell me what it is about you that you are so afraid to say," Betsy softly pleaded.  Her persistent kindness gave me a final push."

    "I'm selfish and dishonest," I whispered, slowly peeling back another layer of my appearances."

    "Why do you think you are dishonest?" she asked."

    "Because I've alway needed to feel someone worry about me. When I was younger used to pretend or exaggerate things, so that my friends would be concerned. there is definitely something wrong with me." Until the moment the answer rolled off my tongue, I had always planned on taking this "quality" of mine to my grave. I immediately felt my anxiety rise incrementally with every degree of my body tempature."

    "Why do you think that makes you dishonest?" Betsy was surprisingly unfazed."

    "Because, I did those things for attention, and to feel taken care of.  My feelings are not truthful if I embellish them."

    "Terry, I think if we look closely enough at your history, and the people in your life, you would see that others were not always able to give you what you needed.  This isn't a surprise. Obviously, nobody can get every one of their needs met all the time. But, I think what is remarkable is that you found a way to fill some of them.  This does not mean you were dishonest.  it just means you found a way to get what you were missing," Betsy explained."

    "No, Betsy.  I always felt cared for and loved by the people in my life.  I was born with a sickness.  I know it," I insisted."

    "You could have been cared for and loved, while at the same time, had needs that weren't being met.  It's not black or white, or either-or, Terry," Betsy replied.  "What sickness do you think you were born with?"

    "I don't know. There's something wrong with me because I am the type of person that I am, and the attention I crave."

    "What type of person are you?"

    "I finally decided to brave my most private, defining, character flaw. "It's hard to tell you. But, I guess it doesn't matter saying it, or not saying it, won't change the fact that it's true," I began, inching out from behind one of my most private walls of self-condemnation."

    "What Terry? What's the truth?" Betsy softly asked, trying to cushion my turmoil."

    "The truth is that I am a loser."  My mouth felt like it had produced its own sounds."  Terry Wise.

    This book clearly shows the state we get left in when we are not allowed to be with reality….how we flip reality around and in turn it flips us backwards.

    Instead of my father being bad, I was.

    Instead of my mother being unloving, I was unlovable.

    So, again, it is my humble opinion, that mental illness is not being able to be with reality…we were forced into being mental in order to survive and to be loved.

    I highly recommend reading this book…it is a great exchange between those outside of reality and those who work to get us back.



  • Climbing through the darkness…

    Last night at Dial Help,  we learned a bit about suicide.  Some of the statistics are shocking and then, not so much.

    There are 35,000 who die each year…more than in war or disasters.

    90% have mental health issues.

    The dialogue when dealing with suicide is to be very direct and use the terms about killing yourself or wanting to die; to not shy away from the word suicide.  And to go into the dark place they are standing in.  

    What I learned is that you can be squeezed into a dark spot, either by being overwhelmed with life, or when you have no life at all. Both are critical positions to be stuck in.

    I just didn't know that rising to the highest of standards can be just as stressful and life sucking or detrimental to your spirit as a life without meaning.  

    We watched a short clip from Author and Attempt Survivor, Terry Wise who wrote a book called, "Waking Up; Climbing through the darkness.  If you go to her website, you can watch it too.  Just google her name and book title.

    First of all, I didn't even know the term, "Attempt Survivor", but like it.  

    Terry spoke of how in our lives we push things aside and dont' deal, and that they sit on simmer.  When a tragic event occurs, all our simmering pots hit full boil, and we then are instantly overwhelmed.  This makes perfect sense to me.  I experienced the full boil of a thousand hurts.

     I wrote down, "Suicide doesn't stand alone," and that we have to look at events before and even all the way back into childhood.  And she said, "Good therapy is like an archeologist, you keep digging and going deeper."

    Her therapist also suggested writing, which she did…

    I continue to learn about human suffering, pain, and how we deal or don't deal and the consequences.  And how important it is to stay with the feelings and emotions…to follow the person into their darkest places, to be the enlightened witness, so they don't have to suffer alone.

    I think, my knee jerk reaction is to fix and problem solve and not to just be with them while they express what they are feeling.  It is a re-learning process for me to focus on the feelings and emotions; to not push them away.

    Oddly, we are emotional beings, and yet we are so uncomfortable being with emotions.  It is more 'comfortable' to skirt the emotions and work on fixing the problems or finding solutions, than it is to just plop down in the middle of extreme darkness.

    And it is when you are in such a dark place, you need it the most.  

    The ability to just witness their pain, is something we are learning to do.  Just to sit with them awhile.  To let them live one more day.  

    Terry also wrote about learning just to endure life, and then to tolerate life….and to manage living.

    She is right, "Climbing through the darkness…."



  • Filled by Me

    "If you don't know the kind of person I am and I don't know the kind of person you are a pattern that others made may prevail in the world and following the wrong god home, we may miss our star."  William Stafford

    "Like that old saying, "Water fills a hole," the ways of others will fill the space we live in if we don't fill that space with our own authentic presences. For a long time, I thought that keeping who I am to myself was the same thing as being myself quietly. I discovered it is not."

    "Not that we have to verbalize or shout everything, but we do need to be fully here the way a cliff accepts a wave, the way a stem of clover grows into the one patch of light in the forest, the way corn sweats its sweet moisture when no one is looking."

    I read this by Mark Nepo and then went to do yoga.

    What came to me is that we don't even know we are being filled by others until you try and go against what you have always done, and meet with great friction.

    Two forces meeting.

    One is you and the other is another person's wishes, happiness or desire.

    If you have always left yourself behind and catered to others, it will not be easy to switch….serving yourself first and them last.  They will holler or respond negatively.

    I think many who are seeking to change, believe it will be met with smiles and hugs…and quickly retreat when met with opposition.

    The harder it is to change, the more volume of other is in your world…and the smaller your sense of self is.

    I used to be very strong for others.  I would help carry the weak, support the unhappy, organize the unorganized, etc…I was very good for others, but very weak for me.

    The me signal was so weak, it seldom arrived.  My no or resentment was whispered faintly to myself, silently…while I put on a co-operation face and attended to other.

    The content of my life had just a very small percentage that was honest me.

    Honest me, was small and weak and not much for confrontations, and certainly uncomfortable with friction or disappointment in other's face.

    There comes a point in life when there just isn't anymore to give, when you are saturated with others needs, while you are dying from the inside out.

    I didn't know how I would gracefully exit my old way of doing things, how to get my voice back, how to utter no…instead of always saying yes, but I was tired and discontent with me.

    What I didn't know, is that the small me was stirring. Like a chicken getting ready to be born, I was chipping away at the things I didn't want to do anymore, and began making excuses…opening space for me to grow.

    Spaces being filled by me. 



  • What is it Reflecting?

    In Oprah's magazine, she interviews Deepak Chopra and she asks, 

    Oprah: "What is that essence?  In every conversation I've had with housewives,in Mumbai, with middle-class people, upper-class, in the slums – everyone says there is an underlying consciousnes of karma.  That people believe in karma – that what you are putting out is going to come back. If I do something to you, the energy of it is going to come back to me in the future." 

    Deepak: " A child in India grows up with the idea that you have to make choices that will create a better future. In fact, your whole life is a continuum of choices, so the more conscious you are, the greater your life will be.  People live that yes."

    Oprah:  "That is the thing that impressed me the most.  People live it. They don't just talk it.  It is part of their actions..  Am I correct?"

    Deepak:  " You're absolutely correct.  In India you are taught that there are certain qualities that make you a divine human being.  These qualities are Joy.

    Oprah: "Joy!"

    Deepak: "Love."

    Oprah: "Love."

    Deepak: "Compassion, equanimity, truth, goodness, beauty and hamony.  And at the core of these are three words: Sat, chit, Ananda. Sat means "the truth", Chit means "consciousness" and Ananda means "Joy".  So if you are connected to truth and consciousness and joy, you're all set."

    In reading this, and looking back….what are the children of the FALC taught?

    And what are you teaching if you are not teaching the truth of your own childhood? How are you living life and what is it reflecting?


  • Born to Cover it Up.

    A few months back I met with Detective Tom Rosemurgy, who suggested a meeting with a woman who works at Dial Help. She is the coordinator for Sexual Assault Serves…and the Volunteers.  All three of us met a few times, and our last meeting I met the Director, who suggested Volunteering.  Me, volunteering.  I said yes.

    Last night was our first class.  It is a small class, just two other women and me.  

    It will be very interesting to see how they approach victims in crisis, what technique is used etc.  The mission of Dial Help, is to help you help yourself.  Which I guess is the goal for all victims, to help themselves.

    We did role playing and it was very insightful how each of us approached the task of listening and then helping.  We did much better on the second round…and we have 26 more hours to go, plus a full day of sexual assault training.  

    Just so interesting in how we are taught to converse.

    What this will give me is the background and to see victims from both sides and to see what is helpful and what is not.  

    In fact, in each role playing scenario, we had to comment on what was helpful and then what was not, and then an overall discussion.

     "I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand another person."  Carl Rogers 

    This is quote was in our training materials and I love that we need to permit ourselves to understand someone else.  

    What a concept.

    I am finding it very interesting how they approach folks who call in crisis, who are seeking to be understood, and perhaps to even begin to begin in understanding themselves…and where they are or what circumstances they find themselves standing in.

    To me, unless you can see that you are in a mess, there is no mess to understand…or mess to work your way through. And if you keep telling yourself that all is okay, that nothing is wrong, to lay a positive overlay, you will never fully understand yourself.

    And without knowing yourself, you will unknowingly find yourself in crisis.  For, It is my humble opinion, after one class, that most crisis are years in the making….one choice after another, made without consulting you.

    I lived for years without ever truly listening to myself, my guts, my feelings and what I needed.  I understood my dysfunctional self, my co-dependency, but the real me was a stranger to myself.  

    I understood what I needed to do for others to keep relationships going…this me I knew very well.  She lived to support other lives.  

    Here is what Mark Nepo wrote today, that echos this.

    "I began, like so many of us, in a household where it was somehow my job to be the lightening rod for the family's tensions of unexpressed emotion.  In this way, I learned to be a problem solver, a rescuer, a caretaker. Through two marriages and countless friendships, I loved by taking on the clouded emotions of those I loved."

    "The tensions of other people's unexpressed emotions kept me from feeling my own depth and clarity.  My life became one of turbulence, always struggling to keep my head above the cloudy surface."  Mark Nepo

    This was me to a T.  I don't even believe my head ever cleared the muddy waters until my father was exposed for sexual assault.

    Imagine the unexpressed emotions that lived in my father's house?  And then feel the weight of all it. 

    I recall one night in particular, where I felt the full weight of these emotions, the enormous volume of how big this mess had actually grown over the span of my fathers unchecked abuse…and it was that night I let it all go.  Releasing me from 'fixing' or carrying it anymore.   I laid in my bed crying huge wracking sobs…giving up, feeling I was much to little for such a big task.

    It was in knowing that I couldn't solve it, that freed me.

    There was just way too many girls and their lives and their children's lives….that had been affected by this one man, and I wasn't big enough to be lightning rod to absorb it all. It was all I could do to feel my own emotions. 

    It took something this big to collapse my role of emotional absorber for the family.  

    While it felt like I had completely broken down, what actually happened, was the dysfunctional part of me broke…leaving in its place the space for me.

    A me I had never been with, alone.

    It was the second birth of me.

    I could see clearly me…and I could see clearly where I had come from.  

    And I also knew, immediately, that the me who lived for my first 46 years was not the real me, but an impostor, a survival girl, but she was not me.  She was a role I played to keep the abuse a secret…even from myself.

    Once the truth was out, there was no need for survival girl to live.

    This was in the days, where I walked each morning, for my emotions at times were too big for our house. On this particular day, I said good bye to my survivor girl. To the girl who tried to make right, that which was so not right. For the one who carried the weight of it all on her shoulders.  I cried for how in vain it all had been.  How insane it all had been…and then I told her to rest in peace.  It was never her job in the first place…It was a mess that she didn't create and it wasn't her job to fix it.

    I recall feeling such peace in letting her go. For her life was hard…and it never seemed to bear the fruit she planted.

    I also felt such peace at beginning a new life based on me.

    It wasn't that the crisis went away, but my responsibility for others died that day…and what was born was a girl who had to walk through all parts of her life and make adjustments based on her feelings and what was true for her.

    It wasn't an overnight sensation…it is 7 years and counting.

    I woke up in a life that I created to survive abuse, but not to face it.

    Once I faced abuse, there really was no need for this pretend self.

    My pretending self is truly the only thing that died. The one who wanted things to look better, feel better, be better, than what they actually were.  She lived to lie.

    She had to lie so I could survive.

    Without her lies, I would have known that I lived in a home with a pedophile and his wife who couldn't see what he was doing.  I would have been aware, but too little to move out.  

    The mind protected me by building up a pretend self and life.

    I can fully understand so many whose lives seem to be clearly lives of abuse, and how they are unable to see. Their pretender sees life for them.  Their survivor self was literally made to not see the truth.

    You don't even know you have a pretender self, until that which it is covering up gets exposed.  

    The survivor self  then doesn't know what its tasks are any more.  For it has no duties with the truth. 

    It was born to cover it up.  



  • Will Bring in Awareness

     " Most of us avoid confronting ourselves"  Deepak Chopra

    What a profound statement.  Most of us live our whole lives confronting others and never turn our scrutiny on ourselves; to see how our actions are impacting the world. It is so much easier to criticize others and attack what they are doing wrong, compared to looking straight at your self.

    I had lived 46 years without looking at myself.  Incredible as it may seem, I never, or at least seldom, considered changing myself, but I fully expected the world to change to suit me.  

    In coming face to face with myself and all my actions, be them passively sitting in the midst of a dysfunctional family…or staunchly supporting a cult like religion, I never ever confronted me.

    What does it mean to confront yourself?  And how would it be if the world stopped looking outward, but began looking inward?  

    Imagine if in each situation, we all turned inward to see what we were up to…what is our intention, our fears, our concerns and expectations….and to challenge ourselves to deliver that to ourselves, releasing all others from serving you

    I am very much intent on NoT avoiding me….but in confronting all of my actions, thoughts and beliefs…. 

    Mark Nepo writes…

    "Live in your hands and your mind will learn how to bow like a root."  

    "Several years ago, while doing a poetry reading in New York City, I encountered an angry man who had just seen a woman get mugged.  He was so enraged he wrote a poem on the spot.  A pensive voice from across the room called out, "Yeah, it sure beats stopping the mugging."  I felt there was nothing left to say.  The story points up, painfully, how living in our thoughts removes us from the very real journey of being alive.  To always analyze and problem solve and observe and criticize what we encounter turns our brains into heavy calluses.  Rather than opening us deeper into the mystery of living, the over-trained intellect becomes a buffer from experience."  Mark Nepo

    I loved reading both of this….confronting what your hands are doing is exactly the answer to all life's big questions and then working to find out why.  Confront yourself will bring in awareness.

  • A New You.

    From Mark Nepo's "Book of Awakening", he writes.

    " There is very little difference between burying and planting. For often, we need to put dead things to rest, so that new life can grow.  And further, the thing put to rest – whether it be a loved one, a dream, or a false way of seeing – becomes the fertilizer for the life about to form.  As the well-used thing joins with the earth, the old love fertilizes the new; the broken dream fertilizes the dream yet conceived; the painful way of being that strapped us to the world fertilizes the freer inner stance about to unfold."

    "This is very helpful when considering the many forms of self we inhabit over a lifetime.  One self carries us to the extent of its usefulness and dies.  We are then forced to put that once beloved skin to rest, to join it wit the ground of spirit from which it came, so it may fertilize the next skin of self that will carry us into tomorrow."

    "There is always grief for what is lost and always surprise at what is to be born.  But much of our pain in living comes from wearing dead and useless skin, refusing to put it to rest, or from burying such things with the intent of hiding them rather than relinquishing them."

    "For every new way of being, there is a failed attempt mulching beneath the tongue. For every sprig that breaks surface, there is an old stick stirring underground. For every moment of joy sprouting, there is a new moment of struggle taking root."

    "We live, embrace, and put to rest our dearest things, including how we see ourselves, so we can resurrect our lives anew."  Mark Nepo

    I love the way he looks at things….in how we have to put things to rest, to realize when it is over and not drag dead things along with us in our present.

    And it is from the things that die that there is space for new things to grow.  

    I love too, that burying and planting look the same.  The difference is in the expectations…of sitting and waiting for the new to come forth OR lamenting over what you have lost and buried.

    If you can remain with the energy of planting and knowing new things will sprout given time…your expectations and intentions will come to life.  

    In my experience, if I had not let go and buried my dysfunctional way of life, a new and different healing way of life would not have grown.

    Buring and Planting look the same…it is all in how we view things.

    I was planting a future filled with love, peace and joy…a gardener and not a grave digger mourning over what I had lost.  

    Plant the things that no longer serve you…with the expectations to see flower A New You!


  • Truth was the courage I clung to.

    I would have a hard time remembering me being in the dark about abuse…of not even considering it or being drawn into conversations about victims of childhood sexual abuse.  That me seems so far back there, like way way way back, a woman I barely can recall.

    When I saw  a woman last week and heard her speak in fear of speaking out…it took me a few days to remember, that I once was her.  I forgot the trembling nerves to even begin to begin saying out loud and taking actions about abuse.  How the language was so foreign, and the feelings and emotions feeling like mountains that seemed to crush my breath.  To feel the slippery slope of my life sliding in the direction I didn't want to go, but had no way of stopping…taking me with it very reluctantly for there was nothing to hold on to…air and a bottomless space was all that was there.

    I didn't see me in her…I expected instead for me to be in her.  Which is impossible, without her walking any of my steps.  I didn't see her at all.  I talked to her without taking into consideration she was just moving into the swirling waters of coming to terms with the affects of abuse and its long reaching fingers.  

    I heard Ram Dass speaking to Oprah today, and the way he sees folks now, is that they are all in various carnations.  That there is a soulful reason for the life we are living that is beyond our roles.  That we are here to learn and grow our souls.

    Very intriguing to look at life from the angle of the soul, instead of how we typically see life is from our roles.  

    The more horrific the life; a Master is being born.

    I can see that there are various soul ages…for some are just beginning to awaken to the life beyond what is routinely paid attention to; the body, the mind and ego…our ages, friends and hobbies.

    There is a collection of us who are finding a deeper level to living here…one where awareness broadens and we begin to see more and more.

    When I was less aware…the truth could slip by in broad day light and I would not see it.  It was always there, but I had my attention else where.

    As I visited with this woman, I could see that her awareness was being drawn to the truth…and there wasn't anything she could do to stop it…and it frightened her and she didn't have experience joining it in words and actions; like a frightened child with no tools in her toolbox.

    It gave me the perspective I needed and she helped me recognize me just a few years back…and in doing so gave me empathy in seeing her as her….and me as me.

    She has been in my thoughts….it was like spending time with my younger self.

    Empathy is seeing yourself in others…and wondering what would my younger self need to know most?

    And thinking of this…I think she was given all the help she needed to begin her journey towards truth.  Truth!  Truth was the courage I clung to.

     

  • Made up for what I lost.

    "Hard as it is, we cannot shrink from our relationships or we simply become an audience or gofer for the dominant partner or friend.  Like most of us, I have struggled with this my whole life; fearful of what might happen if I actually voice my concerns and needs, surprised that doing so – while not always easy or pleasant – always enables me to be myself more fully."

    "Then, not by chance, I'm always more able to feel and see the world around me.  I bring more to the scene and am revitalized more readily by my daily experience."

    "The great philosopher Martin Buber, who believed that God is most deeply known through relationships, spoke to the heart of this paradox.  He said that before there can be a true relationship, there must be two separate beings who can relate.  Most of our life experience bears this out.  Unless we work to be ourselves, we can never truly know others or the numinous world we live in."  Mark Nepo," The Book of Awakening"


    "Two separate beings who can relate…"  This is the heart of all relationships….IF we can relate.  It isn't about each individual, but can we each arrive in this moment of time and be fully with it.

    In walking through many relationships asking for them to be with my truth, I found very few to relate to.  Most wanted me to relate to their position of keeping the old family ways going.

    It isn't that each of us alone are the issue, but what we become as we join each other in relating to situations.

    I know that my marriage has been based upon how each of us relate to a life change….we don't have to relate the same, but we have to arrive in the present with truth and then respond.

    Our responses are not always the same.  In the past, this would leave me unsettled, for I thought that 'close' people all respond in unison.  What I know now, is that each of us come through life with our own views and respond appropriately for our walk.

    I most often am very reactive in abuse type situations…whereas he is much more calm and can process before leaping.  Both of us are aware of the same situation, but respond differently.

    We relate in our true selves.  He is willing and able to claim his actions…as much as I do mine.  We are open and willing to be fearless to be ourselves.  I should say, "I am willing to be open and fearless at being myself….for my husband has never had troubles with this.  He is who he is…and makes no apologies.  I used to worry and fret about being me…for the fear of upsetting someone.

    My fears were founded.  When I began to relate with life differently, As Myself -for myself-, I lost many relationships.  Yet, the wonder of fearlessly being me made up for what I lost.

     "There will never be an "Us" if I play small."  Sharon Preiss

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    We took this truck to Marquette this past weekend. This is the same truck we started dating in in 1982. He bought it brand new…and has had it painted since.  We are still two separate beings who can relate.  We are different, but we keep finding a common ground.  I love him for letting me be me…and I love him for always being himself.  Just like great things in nature….

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    The rocks along Lake Superior, Presque Isle, Marquette

  • By Our Own Free Will

    "In the Reality of nonduality, there is neither privilege nor gain nor loss nor rank.  Just like a cork in the sea, each spirit rises or falls in the sea of consciousness of its own level by virtue of its own choices – not by any external force or favor. Some are attracted by the light and some seek the darkness, but it all occurs of its own nature by virtue of Divine freedom and equality."  David Hawkins

    I love that each of us rise or fall in the sea of consciousness, and it isn't the fault of the sea or the Universe…but rather our spirits are attracted and seek certain levels.  We are all equal corks and one sea of consciousness…but our choices decide which part of the sea we float in.

    Knowing this; my choices will either float my spirit into the areas of darkness or into places of light.  

    It isn't by the hand of a wrathful God, but rather by our choices…that leads us to where we are.

    And I have learned most by seeing the end game of different choices…I have learned to choose differently to gain a different outcome.

    I love that the whole sea of consciousness is wide open…and we bob along in it by our own free will.