I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • Changing My Legacy

    Today I overheard a very derisive chuckle, a snide jeering about a 'pervert'.  And, it wasn't so much the messenger; but the personal affront I felt.  It wasn't about my father; but it could have been.

    As I stood there, I felt ashamed and defenseless. 

     I can't explain how it pierced my little girl inside of me.

    Like I was being mocked.

    And, I had no leg to stand upon.

    It was true.

    I was being made fun of…in a round about way.

    How do respond when the truth of your heritage is the brunt of ridicule?

    Today the story in my jeep was "Where the Light Gets In" by Kimberly Williams Paisley.

    It is a story about a mother who is suffering from dementia and how it affects the family as she spins out of control.

    While it is a devastating life altering event, it doesn't compare to the behaviors of pedophiles.  

    The love and caring that is involved in her story, compared to mine, had me in tears.

    What her mother does that is embarrassing is so mild, again compared to mine.

    I felt cheated.

    Her mother had a reason, a valid reason, for her behavior.

    I had none.

    I don't believe that I have felt the realness of what it means to be a daughter of a pedophile.  To feel how he is laughed about in a sick way.  And, not to feel somehow dipped in the same can paint.

    How often am I jeered at and derisive comments sent my way?

    What do I have to contradict them?

    What can I use to state my case.

    Instead it feels like I have to be the tough one, to let the scoffing roll off my back…stand straighter, and walk on.  Walk with the ugly truth in all its glory.  Trying not to hold its hand, but having no choice. He is part of my DNA.

    It is a wonder that I do public speak, that I do stand in the spot light and share my story…a lone voice…against the jeers. 

    I know they were not directed at me; but my father.

    Yet, he is where I come from.

     I am separated physically, but my heritage cannot be change.

    "Bloom where you are planted"…is hard at times, coming from whence you came.

    Just another little bump in the journey of being me.

    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

    Words hurt.

    And, the truth often pisses you off; before it sets you free.

    I wasn't angry, I was hurt.

    Perhaps the grieving process is accepting the truth and finding peace from there.

    It is a tough pill to swallow and continue to feel empowered.

    The jeers I can use as motivation to rise above their mockery.

    Maybe he wasn't someone to stand and defend; but I am.

    I am my father's daughter; but I'm working on changing my legacy.

    IMG_9181

     

     

     

  • Quality of Life

    "The Mind will determine the quality of life" author unknown.

    This simple statement is extremely profound.  

    We often assume that there are outside sources that dictate the value of our lives; but having a healthy free open mind is the core to a life of quality.

    In the book "Out There" by David Clark, he spoke about seeing your sickness amid the people who are equally as sick as you.  Same goes for a dysfunctional mind and a mind that is hanging out with the members of the same brainwashed system.  How can it know it is brainwashed? Who among the other brainwashed will be able to see and then point it out?  

    What has been most clearly seen to me, now that I am no longer under the strain of being brain washed, is a mind that is completely controlled by a 'higher' power.  Where the individual is no longer in control of their lives.  

    There are some quite disturbed minds who are running the show.  Mostly they keep the individual locked away from reality and finding their own happiness.   

    A person completely under control of their minds are shocking to watch.

    A woman who is breathless and frozen while she tries to manage another's happiness is lost to this day's beauty.

    What I find so utterly intriguing is how their minds have them believing that they are the source for someone else's happiness, peace, love and joy.  This thought leaves them waiting for someone else then to come along and deliver the same to them.

    Co-dependency at its best.

    I am completely grateful for finding my way free of the co-dependency system as well as the cult-like religion; both who messed completely with my head.

    There are a million sad situations I could have been left in.

    When I now bump into people whose lives have zero reason for their stress and anxiety, where the mind has completely taken over their peace, I am unsure of what I can offer them in ways of getting out.

    How do you convince someone whose mind has them convinced?

    "A mind convinced against its will, is of the same opinion still."

    They are locked in their heads.  

    The mind itself is blocking their exit.

    Seeing the world and believing in their powerlessness.

    I see vestiges of me, my former self, drifting in reality unseeing and unmoving.  It is surreal at best. 

    Mostly, they are signposts to keep moving…being and to celebrate my healthy mind.

    The mind truly does determine our quality of life.  

    IMG_9403

     

     

  • Who I am.

    One of the books by my nightstand is "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

    So far I have highlighted many sentences.

    "Trust is a function of choice"

    I love this.  I also believe, that when we literally allow ourselves the freedom of choice, we can then trust ourselves.  Without knowing we are free to say yes or to say no, we don't trust ourselves.  How can we?  Nor, do I trust in others who are unable to freely choose.

    It is quite remarkable actually, to boil life down to this simple freedom of your individual self. 

    Trusting yourself to make a choice. 

    To see that life has choices.

    What the church has taken away mostly is the right to choose and in doing so has put the people's trust IN the church and away from the self.

    A person without trust in themselves, is one who has no idea who they are.

     

    "We lie to ourselves about ourselves and then become highly offended when others impose their lies on us. We violate our most basic instincts and in doing so invite others to do the same. We put our faith in everything that can go wrong, and when it does, we feign shock. 

    Another profoundly simple and extremely hard thing to do; stop telling yourself lies.

    They don't even have to be big ones, just lies.

    Saying "Yes" when you would feel so much better saying "No".  That is lie.

    All the little ways, you don't speak your truth, chip away at who you are and erodes your feelings of trust towards yourself.

    I mean truly, if you can't trust yourself to make a choice based upon how you truly feel, how can you literally trust yourself.  And, if you can't trust yourself; how can you ever put trust in someone else?

    "Learning to trust is so simple, and yet it is the hardest thing we must learn to do in this life. For me, it begins with knowing that my thoughts and feelings are valuable."

    Our value is truly raised or lowered by the choices we make.  In the way we discount our feelings and place more value in others.

    Not only do we 'discount' them, we totally ignore or even recognize the validity of how we feel and even our right to feel a certain way.

    It is very hard coming from dysfunctional families where abuse was present to find our own self-worth, when we were literally treated like we had zero value.  And, harder still is when our feelings about our family are not of high value. We don't even feel we have the right to feel we see them as being less than loving. Even when reality is clearly showing us.  We want to preserve the value of family and we do this by lowering our own value.

    "When I trust what I think and feel, then I am empowered to take actions that are self-supportive, self-respectful, and self-naturing.  I can do this now because I have done my work, cleaning up my past, forgiving my own transgressions, and taking complete responsibility for what I think, do, and say – moment by moment. These, i believe are seeds of self-trust."

    It is so completely hard to trust what you think and feel, when both of those have been taken away.

    When the church has stepped in front of you; taking away your right to think on your own. When it has taken away the right to your body, you no longer feel you own your feelings.

    The same goes for abuse.

    Abuse is an act of 'no choice'.  And, due to the fact, you had no choice, you then place no trust in yourself.  An oxymoron for sure.

    For in order to have trust, you have to have choice and in typical dysfunctional families, the very act of choice is removed. 

    So, you literally start the journey of healing and following yourself out of the pattern of abuse as a person who doesn't even trust herself!

    It is to place trust in someone who has not even proven to be someone of value and worth.

    I am not sure I can wrap your heads around this fact clearly enough.

    For the only one to save you is you.

    And the you who is in charge of saving you, has never made a free choice, when it comes to being the strong one to support your feelings and your thoughts.

    It is to change the way you see the world and respond to it. It is to take your sights off of the outside and zero in on the inside.  To become intimately connected to your emotions and your gut feelings as well as what will bring you love, peace and joy….and, then being strong enough to stand your ground.

    I was only able to do this; by seeing the alternative.

    By seeing how my mother's life turned out, was I able to do the opposite.

    The complete opposite led me out.

    I was fearful. I was terrified spitless to do this.

    I didn't know who I was, nor did I trust that I was doing the right thing; but I was more terrified of ending up like my mother, so I forged on.

    Each little choice I made that was in support of my inner feelings and emotions, and my trust grew.

    I learned to trust Me.  

    My body never lies.

    I only lied about what it felt…or what I felt.

    Now, I trust myself implicitly!

    I had to look up the definition of Trust.

    "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."

    Yes, I completely believe in who I am.

    "We need truth to grow in the same way that we need vitamins, affection and love." Gary Zukav

    IMG_9207

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • A Simple Life

    "Acceptance has everything to do with simplicity, with sitting in the ordinary place, with bearing witness to the plain facts of our lives, with not just starting at the essentials, but ending up there. Acceptance speaks in the gentlest voice.  It commands only that we acknowledge what's true."  Cheryl Strayed – From her book "Brave Enough"

     

    Acceptance seems like a weak word, a plain no frills kinda experience; to just be here now and bear witness to what is.

    Yet, it is extremely hard to literally do just that.  

    To accept without adding anything.

    Or, even more importantly, taking anything away.

    Acceptance and truth are partners.

    Without fully accepting what is, you are left believing lies by the virtue of non-acceptance.

    What has been the most remarkable part of my healing journey is the non-acceptance of plain facts.  The way the mind can literally neglect huge portions of life and call it good.

    I am not so sure you can see your own truth without accepting the facts in their full content.  Nor, do I believe, you can see another's truths; when you have discounted yours.

    Acceptance often is a horror show at first glance. You will have to see that which you have chosen not to accept in order to survive. Denial has to be non-acceptance.

    Acceptance is the act of consenting.

    Perhaps with abuse; when we don't consent, it leaves us naturally in unaccepting.

    What has been my greatest supper power is to accept what is; always.

    No matter what.

    No matter who.

    I accept the plain facts.

    It was tough getting used to living this way.  But, once you realize the fruitlessness of living "not accepting the plain facts" you will demand acceptance of your self.

    Full acceptance quiets the mind.

    Leaving you with vast silence and space to appreciate this now moment in time and all it brings into your awareness.

    I also believe that acceptance and awareness arrive at the same time.

    Or awareness comes in a millisecond ahead.

    I looked up "awareness".

    "knowledge or perception of a situation or fact."

    First you have to acknowledge the fact and then fully accept it.

    What turned my life upside down; were the simple acts of awareness and accepting it.

    For, I had been taught in a million little ways to live removed from reality.

    The bubble burst when I was 46.

    I no longer have the ability to pretend.

    I had to look up "pretend" too.

    "speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not:"

    Acceptance truly is living a simple life.

    IMG_9134

     

     

  • Badassery is a lifestyle!

    "Loyalty isn't a virtue, neither is patience" is what a wise friend wrote to me. 

    At the same time, I was told of a woman leaving her abusive husband.  I then wondered, what would a great care package consist of, for a woman who is making a huge life change?

    As the thoughts rolled around it came to me, it would be a Welcome to being a Badass!

    This is what it takes to exit abuse.

    You will be leaving loyalty to family, church and state.

    You will be no longer interested in having patience to wait for someone to rescue you, love you, honor you, respect you.  You know, that you have been the one you were waiting for!

    You will have to be your own badass! 

    Sadly, most who strive to leave abuse will have battle their families while doing so.

    It will be multi-layered assaults and or indifference…as you struggle to free yourself from harm.

    So, what would a badass package hold?

    What would inspire hope of a better horizon ahead?

    To me, it would be knowing there is a sisterhood of women whose steps you are following, and their joy, love and peace they now reside in.

    I was sent a packet of flyers about abuse when my father was in court.

    What I would have desperately wanted were signposts of hope.

    Visions of what life had to offer on the other side.

    Perhaps the pitfalls to avoid.

    Items for self-love.

    I will ask the women of WIND, to see if we can make up totes that would give hope to women changing direction in their lives.

    A Badass Welcome!

    I had to look up the word Badassery as defined by Brene Brown.

    "Badassery : when people stand fully in their truth, or when someone falls down, gets back up and says, "Damn, That really hurt, but this is important to me and I'm going in again' – that's a badass."

    IMG_9016

     I want to start a Badass Club; where Badassery is a lifestyle!

  • Followed my soul.

    I finished reading "The Fifth Sister: From Victim to Victor – Overcoming Abuse" by Laura Landgraf.  The complexity of incest and its longevity is astounding. To say nothing about the repulsive displays of humanity towards their own, and the powerlessness of the child and its long lasting effects they are left with.

    The author became the black sheep of the family as she worked to keep her children safe as, she herself, set up boundaries. And, she lost the tenuous relationships she had with her sisters; due to their lack of wanting the wrath of her parents.

    What I failed to consider was that.

    How you have to be strong enough to withstand the ugliness that will come your way when you speak up and against family.  It isn't so much about the truth, but the backlash that will surely follow.

    How it is better to keep sweet than to be the focus of attack.

    While it is tough to speak of being abused within a family, it is much hard to be treated openly hostile.

    Rather than willingly bring this upon themselves, family members will keep their mouths shut about the truth and become the voices for their parents.

    In my experience, this is very true.

    It is shocking to actually see this in action.

    Here is what Laura wrote…

    "Katie calls to say "shame on you".  Carly asks me to remove myself from her life.  I am stunned. What am I?  The black sheep for exposing my parents?  Or is she not strong enough to endure the brutal barrage from them to keep her inside their control?"

    "Brandy and Daniel tell me my sisters are playing their roles in the family script and breaking away from such a family system takes a profoundly sturdy person.  They reassure me that I have immense courage. They're proud. I want to believe it all. I vacillate between confidence and terror. The very air feels fraught with pre-storm electrified stillness."  Laura

    It truly does take a person of substance to walk away. And sadly, coming from a family fraught with abuse, it is very unique to find one. For the very nature of incest creates a person with the "self-esteem of flea" as Laura says.

    The very nature of being able to heal yourself Will require you to get beaten up by your family as you leave.  It is the nature of the dysfunctional family system.

    They are only following the family script and trying to keep under the radar and in the good graces.  And, not strong enough to survive being abused as they leave.

    In her book, she writes;

    "I think the fallout of this debacle may ruin us, Laura," Mom says, arms and legs crossed as she leans back in her chair. "We may be willing to fall on this sword, but I wish to god you were mentally ill.  Then you'd have an excuse for being who you are." 

    "I go cold inside.  How can her words still hurt me?  And, yet they do."  Laura

    Thee insanity of blaming the one who is blamed for speaking of their criminal treatment to children and minors is beyond words. 

    Again, I experienced the same treatment, and I am sure my family would love to believe that I too am Mentally Ill.  It would be easier than trying to explain my absence due to the abuse that permeates the family circles.

    She asks questions at the back of her book, I am sure for book clubs.  Here is one.

    "Where are the lines of loyalty supposed to be drawn as a mother, between herself, her children, her spouse, and her community.  Do you think complicity in a spouse's mis-conduct typifies child abuse families?" 

    An interesting line to distinguish, and walk. What is your line?

    Where do your loyalties lie and why?

    It was interesting to read about the ways each family member contributed to the abuse and why, and until.

    A black sheep I am, for I followed my soul.

    IMG_8699,

    I am sure the questions she asks at the end, could be applied to our family as well.

    Perhaps I will attempt to answer them next time.

     

     

     

  • Honest Me.

    I have been writing on this blog for 7 years. 

    It is hard to believe what has transpired in that time; the changes within me….my feelings and my mind.

    A feeling of panic, and blushing shame that would often accompany some postings…when I dared to express my truth.  Mostly for the repercussions of being different.

    A grown woman, feeling young and vulnerable, as she explored her inner landscape of dysfunction and abuse….as she attempted to find peace, love and joy….and herself.

    The journey of growing up mentally and emotionally while being an adult.

    Sharing the ramifications of following my truth and its consequences on relationships where truth isn't accepted when it comes to exposing abuse.

    It is quite a remarkable experience to wake up and see what you have denied, and then see how differently you are treated by those who want to remain unmoved in your old denial.

    Denial is hard to articulate and comprehend, for it is so obvious to those who have always seen.  Those, who have never had to live outside of their reality. But, it is tragically brilliant to see  the truth for the first time….even though it was always there.

    I never understood, or fully appreciated, the strength of the mind and its thoughts and beliefs, until mine all crashed. That it could literally build a world that didn't exist and I lived there.

    I just downloaded a book, that my brother's blog (http://messyguru.typepad.com) referred to "Room" by Emma Donoghue…where the concept is equal to denial. To be raised to view the world a certain way.  

    When I try and recollect my old mind and the way it saw the world, I can't grasp it; for its basis wasn't anchored in the truth and/or reality in any way.  It was an overlay removed from the harsh realities of abuse.

    What often overwhelms me are the volumes of people who are living there.

    If truth isn't part of your world…you live in denial.

    Denying reality/truth IS denial.

    Often I hear of platitudes and wimpy excuses why the truth is better off un-lived. And, more often when will I reconnect or make peace with my family of origin.

    What most fail to consider is what they truly want is for me to slip back into denial.

    Denying my truth and who I am.

    The line of discontent between my family and I, is that we fail to see the world through the same lens. 

    "We need truth to grow in the same way that we need vitamins, affection and love." Gary Zukav

    I love this idea…that truth allows us to grow.

    It takes great courage to bring truth into your world; but the rewards are limitless.

    I believe we get left at the age we were when we had to hide the truth.

    If you are abused and can't speak of it, you may grow in body size; but inside we are left emotionally and psychologically a child.

    Which is why it creates great fear to dance with the truth…and leave denial.

    Looking back over the past 11 years, I am in wonder and awe at who I was, as well as, who I am today.

    The two lives could not be more different.

    The two of Me, more distant.

     

    The most I can say about the old me, is that she was all about the outside world.  Her actions were to keep the story going…not even knowing it was just a story…and not the truth.  Her connection to herself was seen and felt from the way others looked at her. Their opinion created who she was.

    The new me, is all about the inside of me.

    My soul.

    Who I am without the world's opinion.

    Who I am to me.

    I will not ever, be untrue to me, for it truly doesn't serve anyone.

    I love who I have grown to be and my becoming continues each time I welcome the truth, no matter what the message it brings.

    Once you have felt the power of truthful living, you cannot settle for artificial.

    I would rather have the honesty of estrangement than a pretend friendship.

    An honest estrangement ,makes an honest Me.

     

    "She realized she was the only self she could be—and not being unapologetically true to herself was a disservice to her soul and the world." Elephant Journal article…"She Was Done"

    IMG_8699

  • I am Becoming.

    "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty….is what I am listening on the route.

    It is a novel about a woman who hit her head and lost 10 years of her life.

    She woke up to being a mom of three and in the midst of divorce. 

    Her younger self didn't know what to make of the life she found herself in.

    Her last memory was being totally in love with her husband and expecting her first baby.

    What have you accomplished in the past 10 years and how would it be to have it all erased from your memory?  What would your ten year younger self think of who you are today?

    This is a remarkable thought, sitting where I am or more, where I came from.

    Would I like to erase the past 10 years?  When the past 12 have been the remaking of me…and, miss all the lessons and growing I have done.

    I would miss all the pain of the growing and, all the brilliant insights and moments of personal successes.

    I would miss the closing of relationships….and the openings of new ones.

    I believe my younger self would be in awe of who I am today.

    To feel the peaceful existence of my life.

    She (Alice) wondered about relationships that had grown cold and distant….and realized the space grew from the lack of mutual truths.

    When one or both pretended a truth didn't exist.

    I understand this.

    I truly believe that relationships are as close as each party is to their own truths.

    When we have to pretend things are not as they are….the gap widens.

    Truth or the inability for truth to live in relationships, is what defines them.

    I love the path that I am on.

    I love the direction I am going.

    I love the relationships I have and welcome new ones along the way.

    I love the energy of my life.

    I love the new additions I am adding.

    I love the falsenesses that I have had to let go of…and my ability to do so.

    I love seeing what I have done in the past 10 years and its affects on my life.

    Who I am today is beyond where I thought I would ever be.

    And, it excites me to see who I will be 10 years from now.

    What I do today will create the woman I am becoming…

    IMG_8398

  • On My Way…

    I am reading books about hiking and the latest was "Walking Home" by Sonia Choquette.

    There were a few pages I earmarked….

    "Is there something I am hiding from? Is that why I can't release myself from what I want to be released from?  I know I've hidden my real needs for a long time. Not just from others, but from myself as well. Maybe I want and need a lot of support, and I been in complete denial of this truth all my life. Maybe I want to relax and stop proving to others that I am so spiritual by taking so much responsibility for everything, asking for so little, and then being angry because what I was asking for wasn't really true.  Maybe I am tired of asking so much of myself, and maybe I am angry that others don't feel the need to do this like I do. Maybe I don't know how I feel and I am not as clear about how others feel. Maybe I am completely confused. Maybe if I accept all of this I can release the past more easily."

    What I loved about her inner dialogue is that it was searching for answers….it didn't know and yet it knew.

    How often do we give ourselves permission to ask and answer the hard questions and to walk the new truth?  How well do we truly know ourselves?  

    What I had discovered at 46 was I didn't know me at all.  Perhaps when your whole world falls apart it is the grandest opportunity to discover you.

    Here is another earmarked page.

    "The rhythm of my footsteps took me into a deep state of meditation and for hours my mind became silent as I slipped into a resting place with God."

    Whether you call it God or Universe or Reality….it is a place where there is no contradiction.  No stress or pull or worry.  It is harmony with what is….in the moment where the mind rides along a silent content passenger.

    I found this space and live there much of the time.

    I also think, that the mind and its thought are often trying to get you to see reality by the incorrect picture it paints. Daring you to see beyond the images it tries to lay upon reality.

    Once I fell onto the landscape of reality in its tragically brilliant display….I stayed. 

    The mind would try and remove me; to lure me away to a 'kinder' place. I refused to follow.

    I learned from Byron Katie…to be a lover of reality.

    And, in doing so…found a peaceful mind.

    The space where reality breathes…some would call Grace.

    I didn't walk the 500 miles of the Santiago…I walked into the harsh reality of my life that I had denied for so many years.  

    You can use what you see and make them teachers for you.

    Here is another earmarked page.

    "Stripped down to a more comfortable level, I resumed walking, and I did I began to notice huge black, slimy, gooey, slugs all over the path. I looked ahead. They were everywhere. The Camino was giving me a very important message by placing these in my path today."

    "My mind started saying, Slugs and leeches. Slugs and leeches. The more I saw, the the more I began to reflect on people in my life who had been – and were still – slugs and leeches."

    "These were people who didn't take responsibility for themselves. People who were deadbeats and didn't pay their bills or tell the truth. These were people who promised what they didn't deliver and didn't think they had to. People who were more interested in what they could get from others than what they could offer."

    "I could see how I had entertained so many of these slugs and leeches because I didn't have strong enough personal boundaries to say, "Go away.  I am not interested."

    "I carried these people way too often and way too far. Who knows why really. I just did."

    "As I walked, I knew it was time to stop hosting such people in my life. People who were not really interested in showing up with integrity, for example. Or people who were more committed to drama than creative solutions. Or people who felt sorry for themselves and expected others, like me to rescue them from their own emotional BS. I knew that I had allowed way too many of that kind of person to take my energy and drain my spirit. It was clearly time to let go of the slugs and leeches in my life."

     

    Truly, life is teaching you every moment of every day. Look around and see its lessons.

    I again, didn't travel anywhere and life presented me with exactly the right picture to correct my vision of reality.

    Sonia also discovered this….

    "I was also keenly aware of the difference between my ego and my spirit, and how painful and heavy my ego was to carry. It was dead weight and brought nothing good with it. Nothing.  It only perpetuated stories that isolated me from life and love and everything I wanted or needed. It set up battles and power struggles with others that no one would or could ever win."

    "It wasn't that I was done with my ego. I knew that wasn't possible. My ego was part of who I was. It was the lower part. The confused part. The never satisfied, never secure, never trusting part of me. It was also the vain part. The scared, manipulating, thin-skinned, hypersensitive, easily offended, easily threatened, and entitled part."

    "It was the part of me that said, "I am right and they are wrong." It was the part looking for love and not finding it. When it took hold of me, I was no longer connected to my spirit, my true and beautiful self. I became lost."

    "I had no illusions that I was done with my ego. I knew it would, again and again, trying run my life, as I was only human. I knew it would flare up when I was tired or feeling insecure, or felt afraid to be seen. Only now, I knew how to tame it. There was only one way. I had to love myself fully and unconditionally. I had to have compassion for myself and be sensitive and responsive to my authentic needs. I had to pray for guidance and give myself time and space to nurture my spirit and enjoy my life. I had to stay present in the moment and not leap into the future or fall back into the past. That was a tall order, but I knew it would bring me peace."

    "I also needed to stop seeing my ego as "the enemy" and start seeing it as the "me" who needed more love. I didn't have to fight my ego when it flared up in pain. I needed to soothe and calm my ego, handing it over to the care of my spirit and to God to quiet and reassure."

    "It was simple. When I loved me, I was filled with grace. When I didn't, the battles and pain began."  Sonia

    While I know the simplicity of loving yourself with full acceptance of your reality sounds simple….it is a very long road to hug your own heart.

    But, this was my way forward.

    I only made choices that were loving for me.

    I took responsibility of my own heart.

    If it didn't feel loving and kind to me…I turned away.

    No matter who I had to leave.

    Living a life that honors your heart and spirit is The Way…as the Camino Santiago is often called.

    What I found is that when I looked at myself, to see where I had gone wrong – where I had not be completely truthful, I was searching for the path to being me.

    The Camino is marked with clam shells and arrows.

    Our life paths are not so clearly marked….but, they are deeply felt.

    When I am at peace, I am on My Way…

    IMG_8284_2 2

     

  • A Whole Person

    "Discovering your Soul Signature" by Panache Desai

    "There is an exquisiteness to sadness and pain.  It has a quality and resonance that is unique. It's a way we all can relate to one another, because we all feel sadness. Were it not for our judgment of that emotion, no one would have a problem feeling it.  Sadness is socially unacceptable – we're conditioned from day one to understand sadness as a sign of weakness – so people refuse to experience it, and it accumulates weight. Its density grows in the body. Look at the body language and posture of someone who is experiencing a depression: They seem to carry a weight on their shoulders. They're hunched over.  They can hardly get out of bed. It's like a weeping willow tree as opposed to the mighty oak. the weeping willow has allowed the burdens of life to bend it."

    "The key is to shift your experience of sadness. Grief? Loss? Tears pouring down your cheeks?  Good. Feel it all. Know that you are one of 7.2 billion people on this planet who experience the same thing. The rejection of sadness further separates you from your own wholeness. Lean into it. Breathe. Accept. Embrace and embody the blessing of sadness, because where there is acceptance, judgment no longer has any power. When you let this energy wash over you, there will be an intensity to it, but as you keep allowing it to flow through you, it will eventually diminish. Allow life to do its job."

    "As the Buddha said, life is suffering. But there is a magnificence in that suffering. And what's more, there is no true turning away from it. It is in turning toward suffering that, paradoxically, we discover our most vivid, alive, electric, feeling, sensitive, sensual selves."

    "When sadness arises within us, we are being given an incredible opportunity to integrate the wounds of the past. We are being allowed to experience the very fabric of our story. Perhaps you woke up this morning and, for no reason, seemingly out of the blue, you felt sad.  Your natural tendency would be to tighten up in the face of it. Buck up, old chap.  Think about the way we cry. Either we stuff our tears and swallow the lump in our throats, or we allow our tears, which stream down our faces, real and true and irrefutable."

    "Take a moment and put down your cup of coffee. Unless you are driving, close your eyes. Feel the swells rising and falling within you. Riding those swells is a feeling you like to keep at bay. What would happen if you felt it? Envision a tiny boat, tossed about by the crests of the waves that are always inside you. That boat is an intricate thing of great value and beauty. It is honed and colored by what it means to have been given this precious gift of life."

    "I am asking that, as you move through your day, you allow life to impact you.  When you see a young child reach for his mother's hand, allow your heart to open. When you see someone struggling in the street, allow your heart to open. When you receive a disappointment or a setback, allow your heart to open. This is the exquisite doorway through which life becomes larger and richer.  Your sadness doesn't make you less of a human being. In fact, it makes you more."

    "More expansive."

    "More connected."

    "Painfully beautiful."

    "Raw. Open. Completely alive."

    "Allow life to touch you. And when life touches you, meet it with softness. Meet it with authenticity. Allow your heart to merge with the hearts around you. See yourself in the faces of your fellow human beings. Just for today, live in the truth that there is nothing to defend. Live in the truth that vulnerability is power. Live in the truth that your sadness makes you human. As you leave for work, your child calls out, "Bye Daddy! I'm going to miss you!" Feel it.  Allow your heart to break open. As you drop your older child off at school, notice the mother walking her disabled eight-year-old through the school's front doors. Don't look away. Feel it.  Feel it as if that is you – because it is you. When you stop at the market, notice the elderly couple shopping together. They've been married for sixty years and are still holding hands. Feel it.  This, too is you. Drive past the cemetery where your parents are buried. Look out at the thousand of tombstones, the lives once lived. Feel them.  Feel them all."

    "These feelings are not going to kill you."

    "In fact, these feelings are going to connect you."

    "To your own story, and the stories of others."

    "Allow.  Just for today, allow all that sadness in. Whenever you feel your heart, your body, and your mind hardening against what you're seeing, soften.  Relax your belly. Breathe into your heart. Become aware of the soft and tender place that is always inside of you, like a pilot light, softly burning. That light is waiting for a moment of conscious recognition. Receive these moments. Experience them. Live the blessings of your exquisite life."

    Night

    "I am the tears you will not shed. I am the result of a life unloved. I am the experience of trying to please everyone else. I am the feeling of being lost. I am inconsolable. I am the part of you that you will not put on display, for fear that I may quickly turn into a raging river. For the fear that I might drown you. I am the part of you that you always keep secret. I am your secret lover. I share space with you on your pillow at night. I am present in your heartbreak. I am present in your loss. The accumulation of me leads to your grief. Without me, you would be lost."

    "I reside in your lungs. I suffocate you from within. When I arise, a tight pressure and viselike grip surrounds your neck, encircles your throat."

    "I render you mute."

    "I steel your voice."

    "You're all choked up."

    "You will do everything you can to push me away. You will drink. Smoke. Have sex. Overeat. You'll try to outrun me, only to discover that you cannot. I linger within you. I linger within all of us. Moments of vulnerability expose my presence. Relationships draw me up and out. I reach a point when you no longer can contain me. When you no longer can hide me. When you have no choice but to admit that I exist."

    "I am real."

    "I am here."

    "I am a part of you."

    "You can run no more – and it's okay."

    "I was present at the birth of your children. I was present at the death of your mother. I was present in the moment of abuse and trauma. I was present when the world rejected you and shunned you. I was present on the playground. In the cafeteria. In the locker room. I was there when the news headlines reported tragedy: the gunned – downed children, planes flying into buildings, young girls sold into sexual slavery. I was the uninvited guest at your wedding. I was there at your child's graduation. At the death of the family dog. At the birth of your grandchildren. The loss of your wife. The ringing of the phone. The officer at the door. In the hospital. On the cold, cold ground. I have been there every step of the way."

    "I am your sadness."

    "I am your tears. I am your grief. Your loss. I am you. I will exist until your last breath. To be in human form is to feel me."

    "Allow the dam to break. I need to move through you. Come home to me. Come here. I have something to show you."

    "Come"

    "I have been waiting for you."

    "Allow me to lead you home."

    "Open to me. Allow me to flow. Allow the stream of me to move through you freely. I need to be free. Don't be afraid of me. Allow me to go. I must go now. Don't worry – I'll be back. I can never really leave.  You will always feel me – but feel me like the wind on your back, or the lake surrounding you, the simple air you breathe. I always want to be moving. I always want to be in motion. Don't hold me back. It only hurts both of us."

    "Let me go."

    "Let me go."   

    Panache 

     

    Here is what I know.  You are not alive if you don't feel your sadness, the lower levels of grief and loss, the vast emptiness of sorrow.   And, I also know, that when you can feel this; you can feel the highest feelings as well.

    And, you simply can't be your authentic self, if you push away these feelings of sadness.  It is a huge part of who you are. And, the not allowing it to flow through you, is to stop living.

    This is the first I have read about the beauty of sadness…how it is the exquisite part of living.  I totally agree.  It is what I call brilliantly tragic.  

    To meet a person who is afraid to show their sadness, is to meet a partial person.

    "Vulnerability is Power."

    It is to be a whole person!

    IMG_5801_2