I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • Eagle Wings!

    From The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefalie Tsabary….

    Chapter 17 The Two Wings of the Eagle

    "To develop conscious behavior, a child needs two streams of learning.  I like to think of them as the two wings of an eagle. authenticity and containment. A child missing one or the other will flounder, never soaring to the heights of its potential."

    "So far in this book, we have focused on authenticity, which springs from a strong connection to our inner being.  For a child this means learning to recognize their own inner voice, which will teach them how to expand their presence in the world.  As children increasingly relate to their inner being, they learn not just to accept themselves, but also to embrace their own will and manifest this in the world. They develop the ability to forge a meaningful connection with others, as well as with life itself."

    "Containment, is the other wing of the eagle, is the means by which we absorb the will of another. While authenticity requires us to respect our own inner being and express who we are, containment allows us to contour this in relation to will of those around us."

    "Our children need to learn both the are of connecting with themselves and connection to others, which are the two pillars of all relationships.  The ability to relate to another is linked to our ability to connect with ourselves, which is the springboard of authenticity and the key to our ability to maintain meaningful relationships."

    "Even as our children need to foster a sense of inner connection and the ability to be authentic, they also need to learn how to live in  a world of rules and get along with others in the sandbox of life.  For this to happen, children need to listen to their own voice and in equal measure, absorb the voices of others.  To foster the ability to surrender to one's own will  and to that of another when appropriate is a key element of discipline. This is very different from just getting children to "behave."

    "When children have been taught to express their voice, it's only natural that this voice will at times be the cause of dissension with their parents. This is the inevitable fallout of raising a spirited and confident child.  But as our children discover that the world doesn't revolve around them, they learn to tolerate frustration. They accept that, since they aren't the only ones who have wishes and needs, they can't achieve instant gratification all the time."

    "To the degree that we as parents connect with our children, providing for them a safe container in which they are seen for who they are, they learn to be comfortable with connection. They understand the dynamics of a give-and-take relationship and are better able to thrive amid the difficulties that arise.  They can tolerate being depended upon, and in turn trust that another can be leaned on."

    A CHILD CAN'T SOAR WITHOUT CONTAINMENT

    "Stephanie and her husband Phillip have three young boys who are out of control.  Because the three are always fighting with each other, play dates are a nightmare and mealtimes a disaster.  There's no order in the house, the children rule the roost, and chaos reigns.  It's a household that's completely lacking in respect, either on the part of the children or their parents."

    "Overwhelmed, Stephanie is in tears on a daily basis.  Having grown up with a controlling domineering mother, she has little sense of empowerment and feels easily victimized.  Since conflict frightens her, she does her best to avoid it. Similarly, Phillip grew up in a home where emotions were rarely expressed, which means he's uncomfortable whenever he has to articulate his own. Because both Stephanie and Phillip lead emotionally constricted lives, they are afraid to find their own authentic voice with their children.  Of course, this couple's children being spiritual gurus that children are, act in the way they do precisely to challenge their parents to address their emotional baggage. When I observe these parents with their children, it was immediately clear there was no system to the parent's discipline.  The children had no clue how they were supposed to behave. For instance, the three boys were playing in the family room when, before long, they began throwing their toys all over the room and climbing the furniture. When Jacob, the oldest and leader of the three, began to shake the lamps, Stephanie entered the room, saying, "Please don't do that Jacob." Jacob paid no attention.  Again, Stephanie spoke up: "I said, 'Please.' Please stop this behavior or you will get a time out."

    "None of the boys paid any attention. In a pleading voice, Stephanie repeated, "I said, 'Please.'"

    "When this had no affect, Stephanie turned to me, helps, her eyes begging me to understand, as she explained, "I'm trying to discipline them, but no one listens to me. do you see how hard this is?" A moment later, the lamp fell to the floor and Jacob hurt his foot.  Now Stephanie ran to him to take care of him. Jacob experienced no consequences, only hugs and kisses."

    "After a short while, Jacob returned to his play, engaging in the same behavior. Within minutes, there was another mishap, this time as a result of a fight between the three boys.  Again Stephanie appeared at the door and said, "Boys, please don't hurt each other." The boys continued fighting. Still standing a distance away from them, their mother again pleased, "Please don't hurt yourselves." No one listened."

    "Out of the blue, Stephanie strode over to the boys, pulled them off of each other, slapped Jacob across the face, and yelled, "You are a bad boy! You are always making me upset. You are in 'time out' for the rest of the day."

    "Not having seen this coming, Jacob was stunned. Screaming back at his mother, he protested that he was being singled out and it was unfair. His mother, still nursing residual emotion from the mishap in which he hurt himself, became enraged, quivering and shaking. Jacob hit her.  She hit him. As the other boys cowered in fear, Stephanie broke down in tears, blaming her sons for hernia as all three hung their heads in shame."

    "Stephanie had no idea that the present scenario was one in which she had recreated from her own childhood of feeling disempowerment. Superimposing the helplessness she experienced when she was young onto her boys, she was unable to separate their behavior from her own feelings at that moment. Because every move on her part was driven by emotional avoidance, she couldn't respond as the boys needed her to."

    "I meet many parents of older children especially who feel helpless in the face of their children's "bad" behavior. When I observe these parents, I notice that their common errorless in their inability to engage in swift action in the moment. For example, an eight -year old girl was snatching the toys from her younger brother, but the mother ignored it, which she continued to do until it escalated into a fight. In another situation, the mother of a six-year-old watched him drop crumbs on the floor, saying nothing about his behavior until, after he scattered crumbs everywhere, she exploded at him. Though it's often wise to wait until we are no longer reactive before we engage in teaching our children a more appropriate way to behave, there are times when delay is counterproductive.  Instead of allowing a situation to escalate, the conscious parent takes action the instant it is required. In Stephanie's case, had she been aware of her emotional patterns, she would have approached this situation with much greater firmness from the start. The moment Jacob began violating the rules of respect for home and safety of self and others, Stephanie could have been authoritative. Coming from her inner strength, she could have declared, "Freeze, right now. Everybody stop what you are doing."  With play stopped, she could then have reiterated the parameters for the boys' behavior. Telling them to repeat after her what was expected of them, she could have made sure they understood the consequences of a further violation, making it clear that any deviation from these expectations would bring a quick termination to their play.  We cannot be a "pleaser" and "pleader," then expect to have any power with our children."

    "Afraid of owning her emotional boundaries, Stephanie let the boys abuse her. So accustomed was she to feeling disempowered that she automatically embodied a position of weakness, whereas her sons needed her to be strong and clear.  Even when, having missed the cues, she finally exploded, she was still unable to own her emotions, instead displacing them onto her children, causing them to feel guilty for "making" her so upset.  Far from being "bad", the boys were just doing what boys do, whereas their mother had failed miserably."  Shefalie

     

    I love this book.  It clearly shows how when the parent hasn't faced their own emotional baggage, just how out of balance life is upon the child….and how it affects the child's inner world.

    This chapter shows how badly I mothered, until I was able to face my own emotional stunted growth.  

    It was so powerful to know, that I WAS the problem; not my child.

    Children need us to model our own Eagle Wings!

     

     

  • Your Lens

    From David Cowardin's book "Down South Justice"

    "The words of Charles Bukowski's famed poem, 'Roll the Dice'…"

    "If you are going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start.  This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days.  It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail.  It could mean derision. It could mean mockery-isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are tests of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way.  There is no other feeling like that.  You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is."

    What I learned about the people Down South is that there are two sides; one working for the rights of animals and the other ignoring them completely.

    The passion or mission that the rescuers live with is remarkable; how they are willing to go into dark places for the rights of innocent dogs.

    It seems in order for humanity to see its own actions, there needs to be people out there willing to shine lights upon it.  Willing to step into the dark places and rescue the abused.  Even when all appears hopeless.  When it appears you are fighting generations of thinking that doesn't include empathy.  Or maybe where power is gotten by beating those weaker than you.  

    Who among us are willing to lose it all in order to try and lend sway to an old mind set?  

    You truly have to believe to the core of your being YOU are making a difference….in at least the very few lives you touch.  You can't change it all, but you can make change.

    I applaud the people in the South who are going against the old mind set and affecting change in many animals lives…while trying to poke holes in old beliefs.

    How interesting to see the worthless way they (abusers) view animals….and how that translates into other areas of their world.

    David also writes about the correlation between how those abusing dogs cycle up to humans as well.

    "Animal cruelty affects more than the animal, more than the rescuer, more than the taxpayers wallet, and more than a study correlating animal abuse with other domestic crimes. It leaves a permanent stain on society and immeasurable pain on innocent families."

    "Aiden was in the first grade. He loved football. But he never was given a fair shot at a future. He became another tragedy of the culture of animal cruelty."  David

    When David and I were filming my segment on "Call Me Mental" I told him, that victims of child sexual abuse were like these dogs he found Down South needing to be rescued….but, that their wounds were not clearly seen.

    While he could clearly see the horrific abuse against animals…it wouldn't be so easy to show the scars of human to human abuse.

    The heroes he writes about and the unthinkable abuses of animals seem to be clearly defined.  And, yet his story shows it is not.

    Those who are abusing…are not aware.

    For if they truly could see value in the animal….there would be no abuse.

    And, then no need for rescuers.

    The meer fact that there needs to be rescuers…means there are people who are unaware.

    This unawareness towards the feelings of other is the cross roads for abuse.

    Something within them can't see value or connect with another's feelings.

    While it seems impossible that there are people who will willingly and righteously hurt animals; the same holds true for people.

    Value and feelings are what is important; not the container in which they are held.

    Perhaps what makes the efforts of rescue so maddening IS that we can't legislate value and feelings.

    Just as in Child Abuse cases; we can't force parents to feel value or connect with feelings.

    It is my humble belief that those who are abusing have zero self-value and are disconnected from their own feelings…for we truly see and project onto the world who we are.

    And, many are just doing what generations before them have done.

    Once powerless…they grow up and become the powerful; gaining their power by doing to others what was done to them.  The cycle continues.

    There are those among us who are willing to roll the dice to end abuse.

    As I finished this book last night…I remember looking at David across the table as I told him how alone I was…estranged from family.  And, he said, "you are not alone…you have me and many others."

    He is right.

    I thought of how many silently and boisterously are with me…how strangers have become friends.  

    The new ones who I have friended have walked with me on this new pathway that cycles away from abuse. They have held spaces for me to speak and share my story…they have listened and offered compassion.

    Many are doing what they can to help those who are trying to right themselves after abuse.  Some of my newest friends are like me.  They have traveled similar roads and are heading toward brighter futures…free from abuse.

    The author of the poem is right.

    "If you are going to try, go all the way."

    I see no halfway out of abuse.

    And on the other side are new people who see and feel your value.

    Thanks David for being you!  I love how you share you completely as you investigate the lives of others. You strength is your vulnerability and we feel valued looking into your lens.

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  • Apathy into Action

    "I wanted to see what she sees so maybe I could better understand why these women continue swimming against a current that is just too strong and pulls them into eddies, tossing them in circles."  David Cowardin "Down South Justice

    I love this analogy.  I love how there are those among us who continue to swim against the current for what we believe is right.

    That there is a calling deep in our souls and we can't ignore a problem; but continue to do what we can to change the course of wrongs.

    Another sentence that David wrote…."They're committed themselves to a cause that they admit is so depressing that they likely won't see the impact of their efforts in their lifetime."

    I love this.

    Love it in a way that I deeply understand.

    It is beyond personal achievement.

    It isn't about the self.

    It's about the great good of the whole.

    The frustrations in the dog rescue world is equal to the child abuse arena.

    It isn't about money and legislation.

    It is about changing the mindset that believes the incredible ideas of abuse.

    I know it may be really hard to wrap your mind around the idea that some people are okay with abuse.  Not okay in the manner that are perpetrators; but okay in that they are unmoved by it.

    They are unwilling to change their thoughts and beliefs about family and religions where abuse is fully supported by forgiving it.

    Each of us is leaving a trail behind of the cost of our beliefs.

    Nothing goes unnoticed.

    As I was looking in my archives for a photograph, I happened upon a blog I posted about Alice Miller and her radical therapy, in that she looks at the past, the parents and the landscape of childhood.  

    She writes.

    The "Afterword to the Original Edition" at the end of "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware; society's betrayal of the child, Alice Miller writes.

    "Before sending the manuscript of this book to the publisher, I gave it to four collegues to read who had shared in the development of my ideas through numerous discussions. The first one said that after our many conversations the material was no longer new to him and he was able to confirm my hypothesis on the basis of his practice. This reaction pleased me very much, since it indicated there was little likelihood that mine would be a lone voice among psychoanalysts. Another analyst said the scales had fallen from her eyes when she read my case presentations. She was relived to be able to cast aside the ballast from her training that she had never fully accepted and give more credence than before to her own findings and perceptions. The third colleague reacted the same way many parents did to my previous books, i.e., with guilt feelings. She said if my arguments were correct, that would mean she had made grave errors; she recalled patients who, as she now thought, had been desperately attempting to articulate their traumas, whereas she had always felt obligated to regard what they said as an expression of their childhood fantasies and desires. I could only tell my colleague that I had felt this way for a long time, too, and without that experience I would not have been able to write this book. Whether someone reacts to my views with sorrow and guilt feelings, or even with total denial, depends on his or her own history."

    "My fouth colleague said she felt as though blinders had been removed from her eyes, but at the same time, now that she was seeing new connections, she was also feeling disloyal to her teachers, to whom she was grateful for a great deal and who had insisted that the drive theory was the central factor in analysis. Her observation gave me food for thought."

    "Both sorrow and a conflict of loyalties will undoubtedly be required of us if we are to recognize and come to terms with "poisonous pedogagy's"influence on our childhood and specifically on our training as analysts. But if we succeed in working through our sorrow, we shall gain the freedom to judge for ourselves and with this the possibility and the right to make use of our own eyes and ears and to take our own perceptions seriously."

    "The direction in which I have moved in writing this book as well as countless unfortunate childhoods I have read about in letters from my readers caused me to question how the truth could have remained hidden from me, too, for such a long time and what role the drive theory played in concealing it. It troubled me that so few of my colleagues were able to accompany me on my journey, and in trying to find the societal reasons for this, I came upon the drive theory, the Fourth Commandment, and the traditional methods of child-rearing, a combination of factors that explained the collective denial of childhood trauma. But this was my personal journey. My colleague's reactions showed me that the ways in which one can respond to new experiences can vary greatly; what led to a radical change of direction in my attempt to understand neurosis may elicit different responses in others. How we integrate new insights into our existing fund of knowledge depends on our character, our age, and our previous experiences. The discoveries I have made bear my own personal stamp and therefore cannot be prescribed for others. but the hypotheses I have adopted cane be examined, again from a personal perspective, and can serve as a basis for new findings. The purpose of this book is not to win support for my conclusions, for that would only encourage the uncritical stance I object to; rather, it is my hope that the findings I have presented here will challenge the readers to go on to make their own discoveries. Alice Miller

    What I love about both David's insights into animal cruelty and those who are struggling to flip the mindset and Alice Miller in her discovering how therapy needs to change in order to work….is that both of them are working towards changing OUR thoughts.

    It isn't the dogs that need to course correct.

    It is more about our conditioning and thoughts and beliefs.

    How we see helpless animals.

    And, in Alice's case how we understand how adults seeking therapy…have gotten this way.

    I almost feel we do have more empathy for a traumatized animal. We understand IF their former owners mistreated them, they will come with unjustified fears.

    It doesn't cost us anything to go back into the lives of animals.

    However, to truly see the affects of inhumane abuse of a child; it will require you to look deeply and truthfully at family and religion.

    It will cost you.

    I am just getting how truth isn't about what you say and experience.

    How it is fully dependent upon the listeners world.

    What will it cost them to hear your experience.

    I know, I am tossing together abused animals and children…and those who are looking to shine lights upon a very disturbing subject.  

    But, if we don't who will?

    And, the more lights that shine upon it, the more regular folks will have to ask themselves what are they doing in their own lives that is more for the continuation of abuse….or that makes it harder on the abusers.

    One more thing, that I LOVE about David Cowardin…. is what he writes about himself in his book.  

    "I moved nervously in my seat, and refocused my attention to my camera.  It's something I was used to doing; if I felt uncomfortable in a situation, I would look at the scene through my camera, which helped me detach from reality of what was happening. I could think in numbers of shutter speed and aperture instead of feeling the emotions of fear and discomfort." 

    Perhaps the greatest hurdle for the truth to be heard is to be comfortable with fear and discomfort.

    I love that he is willing to swim into the current with us as we strive to swing the balance of apathy into action.

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  • Neutralizes Shame

    "The opposite of shame is empathy"  Brene Brown

    I caught the beginning of an act of shame.  As I drove away, the context of what was happening dawned on me.  He was trying to shame them into good behavior.

    Is that even possible?

    He had a smile on his face…he was pleased with what he had come up with to gain compliance by a few folks who ignored the rules.

    It wasn't what the sign said, nor the non-compliance…but rather how pleased he was for singling them out…that stayed with me.

    His pleasure at shaming him…showed his character. 

    I pondered his response to clients who were disrespecting the rules, and realized this was familiar.

    The old me would have approved.

    I used to use shame as a way to control others and make them behave.

    It seems insane to me now.

    But, when I was powerless…I made those with less power…even less powerful.

    To use shame to get others to respect rules…is to use disrespectful behavior and expect to be respected.  It is all twisted up and backwards.

    My old mothering reflected this insanity.

    I don't know for sure what changed my shame based mothering to empathetic?

    It must have something to do with my acceptance of my abuse and the lack of shame about being abused…that changed me.

    The old me would derisively point out others faults to raise me up.

    Silently…

    or out loud.

    Putting them down to be higher.

    What an exhausting way to live…and so powerless.

    Using someone else to feel powerful.

    Co-dependent for sure.

    As I neutralized the shame, I no longer needed anyone to be lower than I, to feel my own worth.  I no longer needed shame.

    Imagine. I used shaming others to feel powerful. Lower them to raise me up, without a care to how it left them being.  

    In fact, somehow in my twisted mind, I believed that they would see the error of their ways and comply…

    Like I was doing them a favor for pointing out their shortcomings.

    I know this was a learned behavior, either from the church or from how I was raised…or both.  

    It was only when I found peace with my abuse; did I learn to interact with others on an even playing field.  

    I can recall feeling so inept with allowing others to control their own worlds…in letting go of being dependent upon them for my self-worth.

    It was to be completely empty…but, not worthless.

    There was a line in a book I was listening to….and he said he was emptied from the experience of being a prisoner of war….and that all he wanted to do now, was to fill himself with joy.  "Unbroken" is the name of the book.

    This made sense to me.

    I too recall feeling of wanting to go out and find things that brought me love, peace and joy.

    I guess, when you have been emptied of shame….there is a wide open space to be filled…

    My soul was thirsty for things I loved…even to know love.

    I was no longer tolerant of things that didn't feel like peace…and no longer tolerated untruths that stole my peace.

    Joy was a feeling I longed for…and captured in a 1,000 different ways. 

    I came alive…or lived for the first time; when I no longer felt ashamed.

    It is interesting, I felt ashamed…before I knew my truth. 

    And, when my denial broke…shame left me.

    I was an empty me…waiting for me to find things that reflected who I was.  

    I began to build me.

    What is interesting to me, is that I no longer felt shame or ashamed of my truth….and yet others treated me as something shameful.

    It is like the inner shame became outer shame. But the outer shame had no impact on me…for inside of me I was filled with empathy for me and my journey….my truth.

    It is so much better having shame on the outside as others view you….compared to feeling that you are shame.

    Once I felt shameless…nothing anyone can say or do will be able to put it back inside of me.

    Truth and self-acceptance neutralizes shame.

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  • Yes to Me.

    I just began listening to "Year of Yes – How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person."  By Shonda Rhimes.

    One of her lines was "Saying No has gotten me to this life I am living…"

    She committed herself to say Yes, to the things that she was afraid of, uncomfortable with, the ones where in the past she had said, "No".

    On her birthday, she made a vow, that for the next year….she would answer Yes instead.

    As I look back at my last 10 years, that is what I had done. 

    I moved into the places where in the past I had steered clear of.

    I traveled into the dark and scary places; felt emotions that left me breathless.

    I pushed myself to express and say things, in the past, I would not have said.

    I introduced myself to the most terrifying truths imaginable…and lived their truths.

    It isn't about saying Yes to wildly adventurous places; but to say Yes to your fears and uncomfortableness.

    The woman who welcomed folks into her booth…had walked deep into herself; exploring all the wounded crevices.  Has felt the somber landscape of aloneness…and had lived her way back to be creatively bright.

    When you face your darkest fears and say Yes to the most awful of truths…you become strong and brave beyond measure.  I can face the outer life's scary places- because I have traveled through my own inner landscape of terror.

    As I told one woman…"I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now."  For there were so many times, I didn't want to live through it, to experience the shunning, the adverse effects of my speaking out….but each of those moments put strength into my character…allowing me to stand tall.

    I began a life of saying Yes to me.

    Yes to my emotions, my fears, my truths, my love, my joy, my peace. 

    I welcomed the most broken part of me into my awareness.

    I did have to dance it out….fake it until you make it.

    I did soak up nature to balance out so much darkness.

    I did lose myself in art in order to find myself on the other side.

    I love my art even more. For it has kept the space of me….Until I was Me again.

    A new me.

    A me that is a colorful, creative, and at peace with what is.

    For I know me and am willing to watch me change and grow and am excited to know that I am still an art piece in the making; an ever changing life of Art.

    This morning I created this…."Be the Flow"

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    Be the Flow of You….the Yes and the No.  The comfortable and the uncomfortable.

    As Byron Katie says, "If you can't say No, I don't trust your yes."

    Same goes for saying Yes.

    My life changed when I said Yes to all that made me uncomfortable, afraid and alone…

    It was where my real truth and authenticity lived.

    Right behind the fear of saying Yes to Me.

     

  • Who are lost

    Once again I have misunderstood, or failed to appreciate, the spectrum and the effects of being abused.   How some lives are beyond difficult to manage and how others never reach a place of peace and wellness.  

    Peace and wellness or even wholeness comes in waves and spurts…starts and stops.  What I didn't know, is that while I feel I have been able to continue rising….others are left with an awkward life.

    A life that is very difficult to live.

    A life that doesn't appear to improve….but is maintained.

    My ability to work, to have a loving relationship, to create art, to do yoga, to speak my truth, to speak out loud, to exit toxic relationships, to honor others when they need space, to grant me space, to try new things, to travel, to write, to change the pattern of my childhood, to grow emotionally beyond my abuse, to intellectually expand my awareness, to connect with others…etc, all this wealth is beyond what many experience AFTER abuse.

    Some get left broken.

    I am damaged; but have been able to rise to a place that the abuse doesn't live out my life.

    I don't know the difference between us…How I was able to wriggle free of so many constraints that hold them prisoner.  Fears, anxiety, depression, addictions, to name a few.

    My main effect was denial.

    And, the only way out of denial is to embrace reality and truth.

    In doing so, I have lost many relationships.

    But, I feel that having a strong hold on reality spares me the side-effects of denial.

    I had a few sorrowful days, as I listened to "Just Mercy" by Bryan Stevenson.  Hearing about so many who are in prison…whose lives of abuse had terrible side-effects.

    I think, I thought….it was possible for all to reach a state of wellness/wholeness/peace/reality/love/harmony of mind, body and soul.

    When in fact, some of the damage is just too deep.

    This book also shows that evil isn't only the abusers, but that there are so many who fail to adhere to the truth and justice of life.  And, yet they hold a place in society that wields power over victims of crimes…many who are victims of abuse.

    The abuse after abuse is when others don't recognize the truth…and/or believe it.

    I felt the heavy burden of humanity.  The wrongs committed by far to many people.

    I am grateful beyond words where I ended up.

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    The things I lost….were nothing compared to what I have been able to hold onto…my peace, my love, my joy, my body, my mind, and my soul.  

    "I have lost the world; but have found Me.

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    I have found my strength, my courage and fearlessness…while others remain behind the gate to freedom…broken and too cripple to find themselves.

    Grateful…is too small of a word for what I feel.

    Just Mercy for those who are lost.

     

     

  • Save Themselves

    "Kicking the drug of Certainty..." was a phrase in Gloria Steinem's book "My Life on the Road".

    If you sit down with the concept of certainty, or perhaps your belief in whatever you are certain about, it shuts down anything that is different.

    What are you certain of?

    How much of your life is open to the unknown and how willing are you to drop your certainty.

    I lived a very certain life for 46 years.  I found comfort in believing wholeheartedly in things I put certainty upon.  I wouldn't have called it a drug; but I totally relied upon being certain.  Being certain IS where the value lay in the church.

    Certain that it was the only church heading towards heaven.

    Certain that it was the only right religion.

    Certain in the power of forgiveness of sins.

    Certain of the morals and values of its members.

    Certain that my mother held high morals and high values…I could trust her to do what was right; always.

    Certainty lived outside of me.  I just had to believe in those certainties.

    My inner constitution and support leaned heavily upon these certainties.

    I based my life upon these certainties.

    I saw life from this certain position.

    If there was any doubts about these things…it was often my lack of faith in them.  But, certainly not them.

    I can now see how a child is schooled into believing upon certainty…and the things that his parents are certain about become his.  We are given this drug at a very early age and base our knowledge of the world from this vantage point.

    We live comfortable with a certain set of certainties that keep our world upright.

    If and when, these certainties are challenged…we are challenged.

    I didn't have a separate independent self that saw the world; I saw from the collective opinions of others that schooled me.

    Perhaps what made me more faithful upon these ideals, was the lack of my own.

    I have been pondering the Faithful Women of the FALC and what if anything I can say or do; to rattle their certainty.

    It absolutely appears that they are drugged by certainty….and unable to make conscious choices or to move freely.

    This is astounding to me and also very affirming of my first 46 years on the planet.

    When Gloria speaks about "Reproductive Freedom" it is much broader than the right to abortions.  It is the right to your sexual organs.

    The women of the church are certain that they have no rights where their reproductive organs are concerned.  It isn't theirs.

    What this means is that someone else owns them.

    They don't have the right to protest or stand up for them.

    This is just one point they are certain on…and have given that right away.

    Again, it appears they were given this drug slowly insidiously from a very young age until now they are dependent upon it.

    Their certainty needs this…in order for their lives to make sense.

    My coming in and trying to shake their certainty…is a withdrawal from what they have known.

    They will have to now become 'uncertain' and that feels powerless….EVEN though they have lived without the rights to their own bodies…being uncertain leaves them in fear.

    They have been powerless but did not know it.   Their only power was in being certain.

    When I take away their certainty; they are left with nothing.

    Their loyalties lie with those who want them to remain powerless.

    And, they turn away from me.  Become silent.

    The only way you can become so certain, is to be taught these ideals at  a young age; to be raised in this culture and segregated from the outside.  Or as Martha Beck says, "Born in captivity."

    There are a few things that appear to be quite certain.

    That as long as the church members willingly hold on to their certainties and remain unmoved by evil in their midst….evil with flourish.

    As long as women give up their rights to their own bodies; they are not free…and are powerless.

    If the very doorway to their femininity isn't theirs…how can they celebrate being feminine.

    I looked up the word "Femininity"

    "the quality of being female; womanliness. "She celebrates her femininity by wearing make-up and high heels."

    How do the women of the church celebrate their own feminine natures; when they are unable to even own their reproductive organs, let alone the freedom to wear make up and decorate themselves etc?

    Are they certain about giving up their rights?

    If they have given up their rights; how will they be able to champion the rights of their own children?

    Do you not have to be free before you can try and free another?

    Can you be two free birds in the same cage certainty?

    A certainty that you see as worthy, and it sees you worthless.

    Can the worthless wretched souls…save anyone?

    When, in fact…they can't even save themselves.

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  • Free Fall into Being Me!

     

    "After years of suppressing emotions and thoughts about abuse, I was disconnected from the parts of me that made me – Me.  Relationships are built through regular communication. Daily journaling has been an excellent way to build a new relationship with myself – a relationship that's founded on honesty and vulnerability. It's an opportunity to check in with myself every day and ask, "What am I feeling?" "What am I thinking about?" and "What matters to me?"   Christina Enevoldsen

     

    Christina's book "The Rescued Soul – a writing journal for the Healing of Incest and Family Betray, is a great tool that will be the conduit for reconnecting you to you.

    For you… to explore you.

    What is so interesting to me, is that in the first days and weeks after realizing I was a victim of sexual abuse….I wrote.

    I wrote and I wrote and I wrote.  

    What I didn't know, is that I was writing my way back to me.

    I also, was very anxious IF I didn't have a writing tool with me.

    I traveled with pencil and paper for years.

    Literally. 

    At one point, a sentiment arose "I am looking for myself, I don't know who I am or that I was even missing."

    It was completely accurate.

    Abuse and the survival personality that arises to live in an abusive home eclipses who we truly are.

    When we are made to hide our feelings and our emotions – we are literally losing ourself.

    When we are made to do things to make others happy at the cost of our own happiness; we are turning away from who we are.  

    Often these people pleasing survival skills create a whole persona that isn't us.

    I recall also waking up to me and looking around my home and I didn't see Me anywhere.  There was decorations and things around; but nothing that had a Feeling of Me in it.

    My survival self lived as me for 46 years.

    I am now 10 years old; going on 11.

    I love that I have been building a new relationship with me.

    This one is based on or built upon my ability to be completely and brutally honest with myself.  Even at the cost of losing relationships.

    My main, and first priority, is being true to me.

    It has been a wild, sorrowful, grief stricken, exciting, awe-inspiring, soul defining, courageous, free fall into being Me!

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  • Not against Us.

    Some pages I earmarked from "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

    "But I see it differently.  I think perfectionism is just a high-end, haute couture version of fear.  I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it's just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, "I am not good enough and I will never be good enough."

    I knew this to be true.  How so many are stopped before they begin; due to the fear. What I didn't know was that it was personal fear of not being good enough…NOT that their Art wouldn't be good enough.   It isn't about the art….it is about how you feel about being you.

    And, this page….

    "It has taken me years learn this, but it seems to be the case, that if I am not actively creating something, then I am probably actively destroying something (myself, a relationship, or my own peace of mind.)"

    We can use our imagination to create something or to destroy something.  I am choosing more and more often to be creative.  I don't like how destroying thoughts feel inside of me.  Think on this….

    And,

    "By completely absorbing our attention for a short and magical spell, it can relieve us temporarily from the dreadful burden of being who we are.  Best of all, at the end of your creative adventure, you have a souvenir – something that you made, something to remind you forever of your brief but transformative encounter with inspiration."

    I truly believe that the more we are in the flow of creativity, the less we feel overwhelmed.  It is to give our minds, bodies and souls a break from life destroying thoughts.  The more you create, the more you think about what else you can create.

    And, lastly…(although I am not done yet….)

     

    "Choosing your Delusion"

    "Is this delusional?"

    "Is it delusional to me to place an infinite trust in a force that I cannot see, touch, or prove – a force that might not even actually exist?"

    "Okay, for the sake of argument, let's call it totally delusional."

    "But is it any more delusional than believing that only your suffering and pain are authentic? Or that you are alone – that you have no relationship whatsoever with the universe that created you? Or that you have been singled out by destiny as specifically cursed? Or that your talents were given to you for the mere purpose of destroying you?"

    "What I'm saying is this: If you're going to live your life based on delusions (and you are, because we all do), then why not at least select a delusion that is helpful?"

    "Allow me to suggest this one:"

    "The work wants to be made, and it wants to be made through you."

     

    I love this idea, that we can be plugged into a delusional stream…..and we may as well make it positive and one that is for us….not against us.  

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  • From Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Big Magic"….

    "A Trick"

    "So, yeah – here's a trick: Stop complaining."

    "Trust me on this. Trust Werner Herzog on this, too."

    "There are so many good reasons to stop complaining if you want to live a more creative life."

    " First of all, it's annoying. Every Artist complains, so its a dead and boring topic. (From the volume of complaints that emerges from the professional creative class, you would think these people had been sentenced to their vocations by an evil dictator, rather than having chosen their work with a free will and open heart.)"

    "Second, of course it's difficult to create things; if it wasn't difficult, everyone would be doing it, and it wouldn't be special or interesting."

    "Third, nobody ever really listens to anybody else's complaints, anyhow, because we're all too focused on our own holy struggle, so basically you're just talking to a brick wall."

    "Forth, and most important, you're scaring away inspiration.  Every time you express a complaint about how difficult and tiresome it is to be creative, inspiration takes another step away from you, offended.  It's almost like inspiration puts up hits hands and says, "Hey, sorry, buddy! I didn't realize my presence was such a drag. I'll take my business elsewhere."

    "I have felt this phenomenon in my own life, whiner I start complaining.  I have felt the way my self-pity slams the door on inspiration, making the room feel suddenly cold, small and empty.  That being the case, I took this path as a young person: I started telling myself that I enjoyed my work. I proclaimed that I enjoyed every single aspect of my creative endeavors- the agony and the ecstasy, the success and the failure, the joy and the embarrassment, the dry spells and the grind and the stumble and the confusion and the stupidity of it all."

    "I even dared to say this aloud."

    "I told the universe (and anyone who would listen) that I was committed to living a creative life not in order to save the world, not as an act of protest, not to become famous, not to gain entrance to the canon, not to challenge the system, not to show the bastards, not to prove to my family that I was worthy, not as a form of deep therapeutic emotional catharsis….but simply because I liked it."

    "Try saying this: "I enjoy my creativity."

    "And, when you say it, be sure you actually mean it."

    " For one thing, it will freak people out. I believe that enjoying your work with all your heart is the only truly subversive position let to take as a creative person these days.  It's such a gangster move, because hardly anybody ever dares to speak of creative enjoyment aloud, for fear of not being taken serious as an artist. So say it. Be the weirdo who dares to enjoy."

    "Best of all, though, by saying that you delight in your work, you will draw inspiration near. Inspiration will be grateful to hear these words coming out of your mouth, because inspiration – like all of us – appreciate being appreciated.  Inspiration will over hear your pleasure, and it will send ideas to your door as a reward for your enthusiasm and your loyalty."  

    "More ideas than you could ever use."

    "Enough ideas for ten lifetimes.      

    Elizabeth

     

    What I loved, while reading this, is that I am a gangster.  For I truly LOVE playing with my Art.  

    I love picking out fabrics, finding ones that surprise me, delight me, and make me feel inspired.   

    I love working to put fabrics together, waiting for the moment when it seems to click, when the right combinations work with each other.

    I love to see what art will unfold.

    I love to see, sometimes even months later….the depth and meaning that snuck in.

    I love to see others enjoy my work.

    I love when others don't see my work….too.

    I love it when I find art that inspires my own.

    I love how my creativity has changed and grown like its own entity.

    I truly LOVE creativity.

    Mine, and others.

    I love how inspiration is drawn to those who love it.  

    As it should be!

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    The dance of inspiration; begins with Love – moves with Love….

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    I love the flow of inspiration, the magic, the unknown, the uncertainty and surprises that arise, when you keep playing.

    It truly feels like you are playing with a part of the Universe, a playful mate, who comes and dares you to try this and that, and maybe some of this….if you are open and not working to do art.

    I know, that when I try, nothing happens….

    These delightful creative playmates only appear when I am knocking off, when I am escaping from work and life, and enter my studio like it is a playground.  

    When I slip away from my adult chores and being…

    I LOVE My Lady….her message, her designs, her ability to grab me from the seriousness of life, the pain and the struggle….to play and enjoy life.

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    Truly for me, Art is the opposite of work.