I M Perfect lady

Category: Call Me Mental

  • Free to be you!

    What is mental health?

    What's healthy for our mental systems…and what is consider the mental part of us?  Is it the thoughts in our head, the choices we make, our beliefs….the way we perceive the world or the way we use our minds to navigate life?  What would our psychological wellness consist of?  How much do our emotions play a part?  And, is there a scale that measures how much we honor our emotions and feelings?  Is it possible, that what we have perceived as normal is actually abnormal or at best unhealthy mental health?

    Do we call "Mental" anyone who doesn't fit into the 'normal' pattern set forth by society, church and family?

    I feel I was born into a mental system and raised to adhere to its rules.  It doesn't mean this system is the gold standard for mental wellness.  It just means that my parent's mental grip on reality grew into mine.

    And, the way they dealt with their emotions in relationships and how they themselves honored their own psychological body, became normal for me.  They modeled for me how to respond to life and others…how to treat each other and those around them.  I was imprinted mentally by my parents.

    Knowing this, leaves a parent breathless.

    Knowing that how you deal with your own emotions and feelings, how you live either with your feelings or against them, WILL be the track our children will follow.

    When I discovered, what I thought was normal was way off the mark, I had to adjust myself.  I didn't wait for my parents to change so I could be right.  I had to set out on my own and find my own truth.  I had to find my inner compass.  I had to explore and feel and deal with emotions and feelings and psychological wounds.  

    It was to go into a mental landscape denial and sexual and emotional abuse…and to separate and respond and make choices…again.  Aware.

    Aware not so much as to who they were, but more, who I was.

    What did I feel?

    What were my emotions saying?

    I had to learn to follow my own emotions…and separate myself from how others felt.

    Prior, my "mental wellness" was to be the peace maker.  I didn't feel right unless and until those in my presence were happy.

    It was to live one step removed from my mental state.  My mental state was regulated by how others acted, but I, myself was never consulted.  I never went inside to decide what I should or should not do. 

    I was not in touch with my feelings or emotions NOR would I have ever let them take first place in a choice against an outside party.  

    My vote didn't count, nor was it ever sought out…

    For 46 years I completely lived from the outside.

    How I see mental wellness now.  Is to be connected to your own inner body.  To be able to feel emotions and to respond in kind.  To put first the integrity and honor of your body's emotional and psychological systems. Regardless of its impact on those around you.  

    To me, if you are not honest with yourself and with your own emotions, you will not be able to have a relationship with others that will give freedom for them to be 100% themselves.

    Mental wellness is to be free to be you!

     

     

     

     

  • Move Intuitively.

    My tea bag read, "Our intuition comes from innocence".  

    The near miss with my mother followed me around yesterday, lingering like a shadow I couldn't seem to shake.  Feeling visited by a ghost.

    What came to me is that she enters places playing the role of innocent.  That the application of "Forgiveness of Sins" has removed all past behaviors, that she is indeed whiter than snow and a restored mother.

    As she carries herself boldly innocent…it makes my actions seem insane. How dare I 'act' like her sins are still present?  

    I am again uncertain I can articulate the juxtaposition it places on reality.

    For those who believe she has been restored to loving mother, my actions are completely and wildly insane.  The actions of a madwoman.

    What also came to me while mowing yesterday is how us 'mad people' are made insane when we don't treat folks with the heavy glove of pretend.

    When we don't go along to get along, we are then the insane.  NOT, the folks who refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

    I am insane for walking away from an innocent woman.

    My refusal to pretend, all is well with thee… has labeled me Mental.

    It is my humble opinion, that most of who we call mental, are folks who can't live in the land of pretend.  Our bodies, minds and souls feel better being with the truth…it is like our pretend button is broke.

    We, as a society, have become more comfortable with the untruth, than with reality. 

    Being authentic is rare…and most often too uncomfortable to be around.

    We have built relationships and family legacies around pretending folks to be something they are not.

    And, those of us who fail to live in pretend, are relegated to insanity.

    I had to go and look up the word "Pretend".

    "Speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not."

    This is what I can no longer do.

    I can't act or speak as if nothing happened.  As if the fact isn't the fact…

    And, this is how I view them all behaving…speaking and acting to make the family a family, and not a dysfunctional sea of abuse.

    I guess what I feel mostly, with these strange encounters with my mother, is not even so much my honest response, but the feelings I get from the subconscious society; that the insanity claim is mine, not theirs.

    How is it possible that I am a minority that moves truthfully?

    How is it that we see and feel that the majority that participates in pretense is more mentally well?

    While I may speak out about abuse, it seems the problem isn't about whether there was abuse or not, but rather how we then live with this fact.

    Do we pretend so we can disguise the fact….or fully accept the facts as they are?

    And, who is more mental?

    The innocent move intuitively.

     

     

  • Reverence

     

    I named this quilt "Reverence" and here are the words that I wrote about this quilt.

    "I stand in reverence of my old self…it wasn't an easy life to live so shut down, choiceless and voiceless…to keep my truth from pouring out.  To live disconnected not only from her self but the Universe, feelings and emotions..and Love.  A cold, empty life…broken but unable to know it….wounded and untreated; trying to be normal and even perfect.  An impossible task after abuse.  Her life was to keep the abuse from ever being known…once it was out, her life was over and My life began.  She was a pretend me. Survival me.  The person I had to live as in order to belong in my family. I understood she was born to save me from reality…and she died when I was able to see that which was too terrifying to see as a child….abuse.  A pedophile instead of a father and a mother buried in denial.   She was perfect coming from whence she came.  In order to grow into my Self, she had to die."

    I love this quilt in how it honors but buries the old me.

    Until you can understand that a life after abuse is to hide the abuse while displaying it, you can't fully appreciate the journey a person has to take to reclaim their life.

    A life that fully accepts and sees abuse and its affects while then transcending them by making new choices.  To do what feels like going against nature's force.

    A force field of fear and the only life you have ever known.

    It literally is to die in one life and be born in another while alive.

    I am in reverence for the hard life I lived and for what it took to die and be reborn.

    Abused folks are the perfect representation of abuse.  I M Perfect…and it is impossible not to be….perfectly Me…the old and new.

     

     

  • Sisterhood…

     

    Another quilt in the spotlight, another piece of my healing, another growth spurt for my lady and I.  Thank you David Cowardin and Lola Visuals.

    I loved these ladies dancing together in their own uniqueness, separate but together…the sisterhood of being a woman, striving for her authenticity or to simply know herself.  Dancing with her truth; the darkness and the Light.

    Feelings of being herself and part of some larger group.  Okay to be herself and being accepted for it.

    The emptiness I felt upon learning my past was more lies than truth, was to become a stranger to myself. 

    To then find myself loving myself and being able to be with others as a Me, that is recognizable to me, was profound.

    Just simply remarkable how my lady would show my development and it brought such peace and hope; progress.

     

     

     

  • Who Programmed it.

    Who knew that the brain is responsible for how we live our lives?  That it isn't what happens to us, or seemingly against us, but rather how our minds process life.

    And how our brains are groomed or structured to respond in certain ways…very set precise ways; eliminating other reasonable options.  And Fear is usually the barbed wire that holds it in place.

    What has become so fascinating to me, is not the human condition of evil, but rather the way most minds cannot see it.  

    I lived for 46 years with a mind of one pathway and did not know of another way.  I wasn't choosing one pathway, I lived in one pathway.  It wasn't like I continued to make the same choice over and over, but rather there was only one choice that my mind recognized.

    I feel that there is a consciousness evolution happening and that those in enough pain will be the first to traverse this road.  

    I was ripe for a breakdown out of denial.  My mind was being worked on unbeknownst to me.  

    My body was showing signs of distress and giving up.

    I was reading the Course of Miracles; which is to change your perception of life.

    Yoga was working on my body, where the mind is manifested.

    And, reality was so bold in front of me, it eclipsed the one 'true' pathway in my mind.

    When it felt like my whole world fell apart, it was actually that my mind had expanded.  I was now able to see and feel things that were kept from me by my mind.

    To be aware of falling out of denial is to die while being born.

    I was able to see the insanity of my mind and how it had eliminated choices for me. 

    This singular pathway now feels like abuse; where there is no choice.

    Where there is no freedom to reason things out.

    An abused mind, is one where there are no options, no way to see above, below and around each problem; but only one singular choice…that leads to the same outcome.

    We see this in the addicted mind.

    In the mind of dysfunctional families.

    Where behaviors are replicated perfectly generation upon generation.

    It isn't behaviors that lead the way, but the trained mind.

    What I feel is beneficial to breaking the patterns of these minds, is what worked on my mind…or against its one pathway. And, that is to open up new pathways…

    This means, Art, yoga, meditation, to name a few. It is to experience the self beyond the mind.

    In Art, if you go out of your mind and create intuitively, you will be strengthening a new part of you to respond to life.  

    In Yoga, it is to bring the Mind back to the Body…which is reality.

    Meditation…I focused on my breathing in yoga.  It was meditative yoga.  And this again puts space between you and your mind.

    The space that will grow new choices.

    I can tell immediately a mind that is without options.  The ones I am most familiar with are religious minds…dysfunctional family minds.  My old, one track mind.

    I think what was worse than finding out my father was a pedophile and that my mother couldn't see that; was my mind.

    How it truly hid reality from me…and in doing so, stole my life.

    I was like the woman who couldn't see herself.

    All I was was a programmed mind.

    It is a miracle to be free of that program.  And it was terrifying to make my own choices; but exhilarating beyond words.

    While we think that the addict loves his drugs or that the perpetrators love to sow evil, it is more about being locked in the program unknowingly.  

    We are programmed as children.

    Most, die as a program.

    But, I believe there is an evolution going on that is recognizing where the real source  of our pain is coming from.  It isn't that we are making bad choices, and we can simply chose again, but rather that our brains have eliminated our choice…period.

    And, I also believe that we are catching on to how to bring our minds into reality…as well as using our other senses.

    To become as Gary Zukav writes "Multi-Sensory" humans.

    For to rely solely on a programmed mind, is to live a life exactly as those who programmed it.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Step Eight

    Step Eight – Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

    "While making such a list, we are also mindful of our Inner Child and the need to protect the child within from harm during the amends process.  While we concentrate here on willingnes and making the list, we must realize that many adult children have families that remain in denial about family addiction or dysfunction.  Walking into your home and announcing that you are an adult child might bring up an unintended effect. We urge caution for some circumstances; however, we do not let fear or being uncomfortable stop us from making this important list of wrongs."

    "With Step Eight and Step Nine we are strengthening our commitment to changing our lives.  We are doing something that is not easy but which will build confidence and set us free.  We are moving past our comfort zone. We are moving further away from our dependent, people-pleasing selves toward our new home. We are improving a real connection with our Higher Power."

    In the section "Letting Go of Parents" 

    "We realize our parents were often the perpetrators of our abuse; however, many of us have acted inappropriately toward them.  Some of us have been calculating and have acted with malice of forethought. We have attempted to get even with our parents in one way or another. We hurt them and hurt ourselves emotionally in the long run. Some incest victims have extracted money and gifts as part of the compensatory guilt they use against an offending parent or relative. These are difficult claims to listen to, but we must face them if we are to be different in our dealings with other people. For if we have abused our parents in retaliation, we more than likely have abused others.  The abuse started with our parents and we will start there to change our behavior."

    "In many cases we have crossed the line, and we must look at that behavior for our own benefit, not our parents' benefit. This is our Eighth Step list, and this is our chance to change. We are the ones seeking change, and therefore we are the ones doing the heavy spiritual lifting. We are sweeping off our side of the street regardless of what another had done or not done. We are giving our parents to God, as we understand God. We are freeing them to their choices and their desires. We are separate from them.  They have no power over us just as we have no power over them."

    "That said, some parents are so dangerous or preverted that the adult child must avoid them to remain safe and sane. Surely we would think twice about asking an incest victim to make amends to a perpetrator.  Any amends would obviously involve harmful behavior we have engaged in after growing up and leaving home. The actual amends may be to protect ourselves and to know that we did nothing to cause the sexual abuse in childhood. Forgiveness of a sexually abusive relative without a face-to-face meeting has been the choice of some ACA members in this situation. We gain personal power by realizing tha the dysfunction did not start with us. We release the shame we carried surrounding the sexual abuse. We know that we can have healthy love in our lives."

    "At the same time, some incest victims in ACA have made direct amends to a sexually abusive relative. These members report the amends, or a frank discussion with the offending relative, allows real honesty to be introduced to the family.  In these cases, the incest victim forgave the offending relative and made direct amends for harmful behavior toward the relative. These adult children say the amends produce a powerful sense of resolution. Resentment and shame were removed."

    "We leave decisions on these types of amends to the adult child and his or her sponsor or counselor."

    "Step Eight Spiritual Principles: Willingness and Self-Forgiveness"

    This is a personal journey, in one where you get to decide if disconnecting or being with your abusive relative is helpful or harmful to your Inner Child.  

    I know that my silence and separation is often seen as cruel, but it is very kind to my Inner Child. 

    And, I have given up the right to control others and have offered them the freedom to be themselves and given their lives back to them…and the Universe.

    To remain safe and sane, I am estranged.

     

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  • Fearless Acceptance!

    I love how David Cowardin has let each of my quilts get their day in the Sun.  Today, it is "Fearless Acceptance".  Thanks Lola Visuals…you make us look good!

      

    It is interesting that the Fearless Accepting…would appear to be to be without fear.  Instead you have to face that which you fear facing.  And, not only face, but accept. It is one thing to see something and turn away in disbelief, and quite another to see it and fully bring it in.

    To own it.

    To own the part of your legacy or heritage that is of the darkest part.  Easy to own the little family traits…like noses and feet with the family stamp. But to own the dysfunctional part…is to be drawn into a vortex of pain…the sea of a million tears.  One of which you don't believe you will ever see love, peace or joy again.  

    I love that this quilt was a vision ahead of me.  Like spot on the map to arrive at one day.  And, I love that I was fearless in believing it was there…while submerged in grief.

     

  • Change the Pattern

     

    Step Two - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…from the book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families".

    "In one respect, Step Two implies that we had sanity and lost it when in reality we may be learning about sanity for the first time in ACA. A helpful tip in working Step Two involves replacing the word "sanity" with "clarity".  By working Step Two, we gain clarity about how our family dysfunction affects us in our lives as adults.  We gain clarity about our abandonment and internal shame. Many of us find Step Two sanity through clarity."

    "Step One Spiritual Principles: Powerlessness and Surrender"

    "Step Two Spiritual Principles: Openmindedness and Clarity"

    In step two they are asking for an open mind.  But, can you open your mind with a closed mind?  

    In my experience, the programmed or denial mind crashed. Its usefulness was null and void against the reality that exposed itself.

    There was a moment in time where what I thought I knew was so incredibly off, to ever trust it again.  It was then I realized the mind could make stuff up.  It literally was insane and I had built a life upon it.

    The difference between living life through your mind, compared to walking with reality is so large I can't begin to begin to explain it.  It has to be experienced. 

    But as Neale Donald Walsh wrote "In order to experience the Ultimate Reality you have to be out of your mind."

    It is very scary to be in reality…especially when your reality isn't to find a loving and kind family; but one who is insane. I know that my family doesn't want to hear this, but who but the insane would not respond to abuse?

    The greatest example of this insanity is how "kindness" becomes the last shield many will hide behind…so as to NOT see reality clearly and certainly NOT act upon it.

    They don't want to be 'unkind' like me….and put up boundaries.

    They will not disown or walk away from family… no matter what they are staying.

    It doesn't matter how someone treats you, doesn't see you, or if they abuse your children; you ain't leaving.  You are that tough.

    All I can share is the difference between my mother and I. She was always kind to my father.  How did that work out for her?  How did kindness protect the children or give my mother love?

    If her kindness failed, then why will yours work?

    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

    Here is what we can know.  The reason abuse and dysfunction flows IS due to the kindness of others.  

    I looked up the word "Kind" 

    "a group of people or things having similar characteristics." 

    "a group of people or things that belong together or have some shared quality."

    "of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person: a kind and loving person."

    I LoVe this. 

    We immediately will discount the 'kind' as being similar, especially IF we are talking about dysfunction and instead will proclaim the third definition.

    If we can just sit with the two definitions of kind...we will be able to discern IF our actions are replicating our ancestors or are they different.

    And, is it kinder to repeat the dysfunction or to change the pattern.

  • Me from Them

    O Magazine asks 20 questions you should ask yourself…beginning with "Do I examine my life enough?"

    What a great start!  How often to you ask yourself questions about what you are doing and why?  How often are you willing to hear an honest answer AND then react according to your new trth?

    Under the first question is written….

    "Have we established that questions are marvelous, momentous things? If so, can we agree that asking ourselves, the right ones can have life-altering effects? Because have you ever noticed how questions prevent us from settling for less than what we deserve? That asking ourselves Could it be better? is a great way to make things, well a whole lot better? That a bunch of our breakthroughs, triumphs and joys occurred when we asked a few big, bold, paradigm-shifting questions?  Don't we owe it to ourselves – don't we deserve – to live an examined life? Can it be said that asking questions is what keeps us honest, drives us to aim higher – and is the very thing that makes us human?"

    "In a word? Yes.  No question about it."  Katie Arnold-Ratliff

    The first thing that struck me was that questions were marvelous, momentous things…that when we have been taught NOT to question, we see questioning as bad.  

    To question the behavior of a religion and its beliefs was deemed unfaithful.

    To question the way we were raised, unkind.

    Questions and being curious were made to be bad and so we stopped looking at things or digging into the source or tearing apart stuff to see what was there.  Just as we stopped questioning WHY we did what we did. 

    We don't ask…but rather go along to get along.

    How can we get back the freedom to ask questions of our selves as well as others and not be afraid of the answers?

    I love that questions keep us honest. That if you don't even sit with a choice and answer honestly to each decision as it comes along, you are living an unexamined life.

    I know for my first 46 years I lived an unexamined, unquestioned life.  I didn't ask…and I didn't even know what to ask of my self.  I was literally part of a whole. Where the whole went, I went.

    Especially according to family and church and even my husband.

    I literally never examined MY choice.  What my preferences were, my feelings or even understood that I was allowed to have one that was in direct competion with those around me.  I was an unquestioning good person who rarely made waves…or challenged decisions.

    I may not have liked all the choices that were being made, and suffered along silently, but I never even contemplated revolting…or to wage a rebellion against my family and church.  

    Not only did I not question them, I never even glanced my way with questions. Ever.

    I literally did not have the base of me…no foundation that was separated from the pack…no space to question or be me.

    Which is why when my father was exposed as a pedophile, my whole self crashed.  There was no part of me that stood alone outside of that, until that moment. When my whole life was a lie, I had to examine all things to find me…where I had lied to myself.

    In order to reclaim me, I had to answer each question honestly. To find myself I had to answer a million questions that I had overlooked, or was too afraid to ask.

    We don't ask, for we don't want to know the truth…

    When you want to know the truth, you will ask the tough questions…not so much of others, but of yourself.  

    When you don't have a self, it is hard to ask the questions…of you.

    It was terrifying to know I had no separate self and quite thrilling to watch her grow.

    Question by Answer by question…I grew.

    Separating me from them.

     

     

     

  • Is Not Love.

    Over the past years that I have been speaking out so frankly about my dysfunctional family and MY own dysfunction… and kindness has been challenged and used as a tool to ward off any action…of self awareness…self responsibility and self love. 

    Many will tell me, "they are going to overcome their abuse by being kinder."  Kind and forgiving and loving.  They will not become one who hurts others.

    So many victims of child abuse believe that they will become one who hurts another if the truth were to leak out.  If they were to hold the perpetrators accountable.  If they were to set up boundaries against the one who hurt them, THEN THEY THEMSELVES ARE HURTERS.

    What I would say to you all "kind" folks…does it work?

    If you are not truthful to unkind people do you get love and kindness back?

    If this philosophy worked, would our world not be heaping full of kind folk?

    How is it, just in my family alone, that kindness DID NOT ERASE OR CEASE the abuse that lived there?

    Kindness, forgiveness doesn't work.

    And yet child upon adult child, with tears in their faces, love in their hearts BELIEVE it does.

    They will go to any lengths to love and be more kinder.

    This is another huge factor in the abuse never being dealt with properly. Child and adult children are still waiting for love.

    Believing that it is something THEY ARE DOING wrong. 

    When children and adult children accept reality they will see that no matter what you do, you can't change another.

    In fact, look how hard it is to change your own life.  To even look at what your kindness is changing. 

    And, again, if I am viewed as being unkind for speaking my truth….than kindness is to lie.

    To pretend is kind.

    To deny is kind.

    Truth is seen as something that is awful to another?

    Now isn't that concept a tad dysfunctional?

    In my life now, I celebrate the truth no matter what it is.  I accept it.  I honor it and I respect it.  I have no use for the land of kindness, for most often it will not accept my truth.

    Rarely is truth seen as kindness.

    And what a huge benefit this is to all the perpetrators of the land. To all the unkind, dysfunctional folks…they love your kindness, for it will never see their evil deeds.

    Out of kindness you all look away.

    Love to me is truth.

    Love without truth is not love.