I M Perfect lady

Category: Call Me Mental

  • Fell In Love.

                 "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families"

    "Finding Wholeness through Separation: The Paradox of Independence. The Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee January 19 1986"

    "Separating"

    As we struggle to form an identity separate from our "parent" programs, we are also becoming aware of the need to separate emotionally from our alcoholic homes.  Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children.

    "To Be or Not to Be?"

    "The paradox of independence is that only in separation do we find the courage and strength to live in a world as complete human beings, capable of giving and receiving love, of creating out of a sense of wholeness.  In normal separation, children are reassured by leaving and returning to consistent and loving parents, and then carry these parents inside to remind themselves they are safe and loved. As children of alcoholics, we internalize parents who are filled with rage and self-hate and who have projected these feelings onto us. We carry this negative view of ourselves, feeling insecure and frightened of our own self-rejection and of being rejected by others. We remain in the same double-bind we experienced as children, unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."

    "Empowered or Powerless?"

    "In a normal home, children also internalize the strength of their parents. They feel securely held by a sense of parental power which gives logic and structure to their lives.  With this foundation and strength, they are able to build a self and create loving intimacy. Children of alcoholics have an overriding feeling of powerlessness for being unable to stop the destructive effects of family alcoholism."   ACA

    And, further on it is written about helplessness and powerlessness.

    "With Step One, the adult child realizes that he or she is now an adult and that the powerlessness mentioned in the Step One does not engender a denial of feelings or mean that we are helpless. Powerlessness in ACA can mean that we are not responsible for our parents' dysfunctional behavior as children or adults. It means that as adults we are not responsible for going back and "fixing" the family unit.  We are not responsible for rescuing, saving, or healing our parents or siblings who remain mired in family dysfunction. We can detach with love and begin with the gradual process of learning about boundaries. We live and let live."  ACA

    It was interesting for me to read "Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children."

    They are speaking of emotional separation from our dysfunctional families.  And, I know this goes against the grain of society and of what we were taught.  

    It seems too strong of a response for most cases and often, I do hear how they can understand why I had to cut the ties, but in the next breath why they would have a hard time doing the same.

    I feel the biggest hurdle adult children have in recovery and healing IS this separation.

    What it is so hard is the double bind of "unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."

    It is so remarkable and incredulous as I witness the track I find so many adult children of dysfunction standing stuck upon; unable to separate.  Like they are wearing boots of concrete, cemented in the ground.

    This is the one most pivotal movement that is needed for the cycle of abuse to end.

    There appears to be a force field that is not approachable…where the adult child can't even entertain the thoughts or consider a life beyond…family.

    The force field of being bound into a dysfunctional family is incredibly hard to break.  It's field appears to be laced with love, kindness and all manner of 'goodness'.

    I am not sure I can accurately articulate the views from either side of this force field.

    As a person standing inside the force field, I appear strong and courageous for sharing my story so truthfully.  However, if you were to ask them to do the same, you would get how they are not willing to bring shame upon their family…how they want to be kind and loving.

    What I can't get them to see is themselves seeing me differently than they see themselves or perhaps not be able to see Me in themselves.

    That they are not willing to either see their families reflected in mine, or see how they too would grow beyond the limits of their families dysfunction IF they were willing to separate.

    How can they bring shame upon their family IF I did not bring shame upon mine?

    You can't have two versions of one truth.

    It is so simple and yet so complex and extremely hard to manage…to walk away from abuse. 

    The toughest part of being abused within a family IS that we believe that love is twisted in with the abuse.  And we won't disengage due to not wanting to leave that love behind.

    It is my deepest knowing.  Love and abuse can't live in one relationship…

    You can't have both.

    You only get to pick one.

    When I went over the wall and left my family.  I did not leave love behind.

    I was going towards love, not away from it.

    I was now free to express who I was, to know intimate closeness,to express all manner of emotions and to have feelings love and  joy, and peace.  I went over the wall as a wounded child and fell in love.  

     

     

     

     

  • Mitten Tree Ladies on Film!

    David Cowardin and Lola Visuals released another segment of my filming…that we had done for "Call Me Mental"…me explaining my lady and how she sees her family in mismatched mittens; where she doesn't belong on a family tree, but on a tree of orphans.

    I love how she has risen to her new status…

     

     

     

  • The Evidence Lives On!

    More from "Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families".

    "The internalization of our parents behavior is further brought about by abuse, neglect, or other unhealthy behavior.  We believe that hitting, threats, projection, belittlement, and indifference are the delivery mechanisms that deeply insert the disease of family dysfunction within us.  We are infected in body, mind and spirit. Parental abuse and neglect plant the seeds of dysfunction that grow out of control until we get help."

    "There are different definitions of abuse and neglect or other unhealthy behaviors. Our definition is based on adult children facing their abuse and neglect from childhood. For our purposes abuse can be verbal, nonverbal, emotion, physical, religious and sexual."

    "Abuse can be a single traumatic event or it can be cumulative events over time.  Some of the signs of abuse and neglect are addiction, codependence, workaholism, and phobias. Because our parents could be worriers or doubters, we can worry obsessively about events that never occurr. Regular worry or anxiety is a sure sign of an internalized parent."

    "Abuse creates the same feeling of inferiority and constant fear whether it is physical or verbal-emotional abuse. The person who is physically abused and the person who is emotionally abused end up with the same fears, denial, and lost hope. Physical and emotional abue can both produce post-traumatic stress disorder or stored fear. They create the same wound whether hitting is present or not."

    Further on in the chapter….

    "But still, a skeptic of the effects of verbal and emotional abuse might say: "These categories of abuse described by ACA are so general that anyone can qualify as being abused or neglected. It seems like youa re saying that anyone who was ever disciplined or corrected by a parent can turn into an addict or another addictive type.  No parent is perfect.  You cannot expect a person to escape childhood without some moments of doubt or fear that are brought by a caring parent who is only human."

    "To this we say, a caring parent always raises a caring child and adult. A dysfunctional parent always raises a dysfunctional child and adult. There is no grey area here in our experience.  Our categories of verbal and emotional abuse are not so broad if we concentrate on the type of abuse and the specific effects on the child. In ACA, we are talking about abuse and neglect that involves, belittling, threatening, shaming, hateful and indifferent behavior by parents on a regular basis. This behavior produces a felt sense of shame and fear in the child. This type of parenting creates observable behavior that is self-harming and neglectful when the child grows into an adult. These behaviors are codependence, emotional eating, drug abuse, alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, debtors addiction, and gambling addiction. These tend to be the most identifiable behaviors and ususally serve as a layer upon other self-harming behaviors. The ACA description of verbal and emotional abuse is based on specific parental behavior with observable results in the adult."

    "Another skeptic of effects of verbal and emotional abuse might say: "Yes. My parents could be harsh, but they meant well. They did not mean what they said. I know they loved me and cared about me." In our experience, this kind of selective recall is a form of denial. To think that our parents could shame us or belittle us for being a vulnerable child is too much for us to accept. Like most children, we wanted to believe that our parents cared about us no matter what they said to us. As adults, we search for any kindness our parents might have shown and ignore clear examples of damaging behavior. Societal pressures help us select memories that are more presentable. We can fear being labeled as ungrateful or as a grudge holder if we stop to question what happened in the home. So we "Forgive and Forget," yet, the ingested harms of childhood work behind the scene to sabotage our relationships and careers. Whether we admit it or not the evidence of the childhood verbal abuse is there in our addiction, codependence, or some other method of neglecting ourselves. There can also be chronic depression and extreme anxiety. Some of us can have panic attacks accompany these behaviors."

    "We cannot have it both ways. We cannot say that our childhood was perfect, loving and uneventful and then act out with addiction or other compulsions. People who truly care about themselves will tell you that they learned to do so in childhood. The thought of harming themselves or staying in a controlling relationship does not appeal to them. They do not live as enablers or as people unsure of their purpose in life. If people could learn to believe in themselves as children, then why is it so hard for us to accept that we learned to disbelieve in ourselves as children? This is near the core of our woundedness. We do not believe in ourselves."

    "People who truly care for themselves cannot always point to a childhood event that let them know that they were valued by their parents. But their actions show they care about themselves. Conversely, we cannot always point to an incident in our childhood in which we decided we were inferior or defective based on parental messages. Yet, our actions show that we really do not care about ourselves. Despite what we say, we believe that we are incomplete. We compare ourselves to others and usually come up short. There is a hole inside of us that can never be filled with enough food, drugs, sex, work, spending, or gambling. We become more aware of this hole with each failed relationship or job."

    "If some of us still doubt a connection between childhood events and adult behavior, then why do we identify with a majority of The Laundry List traits? Why do we fear authority figures and remain in unloving relationshps when others would leave? Why do we judge ourselves harshly? Why the difficulty identifying feelings or separating our emotions from those of another? Why can't we muster the resolve needed to lay down drugs or other problematic behaviors without switching to another destructive behavior?"

    "If we have related to this chapter so far, we are left with a decision to consider. We either believe that the way we were raised has a direct link to our compulsions and codependence as adults, or we do not believe it. Through denial, we can ignore evidence and continue to blame others for our decisions and confusion. Yet, if we believe there is a connection, we can choose ACA and pick up tools of recovery. We can begin the journey toward clarity and being truly responsible for our own lives. If we choose recovery, we need help finding out what happened to us so we can change our thinking and behavior. To make progress, we must want the ACA way of life. No one can force us to accept ACA. We have to want it for it to work. ACA is for people who can make the connection between childhood neglect and an adult life of fear and loneliness. ACA works best for people who can name what happened to them and become willing to ask for help."  ACA

    How interesting this all is.  From where I am sitting, it is quite remarkable that you would have the traits in adulthood that point to its infection in childhood and still be hell bent in denying it….due to NOT wanting to see your parents hand in your disconnection from loving yourself.

    Their lack of love towards you becomes a self dialogue we use.

    What a great addition to the usual dialogue in the support groups to see the connection….between who they are as adults to look backwards to see where it all began.

    What I love "A dysfunctional parent always raises a dysfunctional child and adult."

    No matter what you remember or what you forgive and then forget, or if you are moving on with positive thoughts….the evidence is showing up in your life.  Believe me or disbelieve me, it matters not.  I cannot create or un-create the lives; the evidence lives on.

     

     

     

     

  • How Many Children Will it Take?

    More from the book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families".

    "Denial is the glue that holds together a dysfunctional home.  Family secrets, ignored feelings, and predictable chaos are part of a dysfunctional family system. The system allows abuse or other unhealthy behaviors to be tolerated at harmful levels. Through repetition, the abuse is considered normal by those in the family.  Because the dysfunction seemed normal or tolerable, the adult child can deny that anything unpleasant happened in childhood. At the same time, there are many adult children who can recount the horrors of their dysfunctional upbringing in great detail. Yet, many do so without feeling or without connecting the deep sense of loss that each event brought. This is a denial of feelings identified in Trait 10 of The Laundry List (Problem)."

    "These forms of denial allow the adult child to sanitize the family story when talking about the growing up years. Denial can also lead us to believe that we have escaped our family dysfunction when we carried it into adulthood. Step One of the Twelve Steps states taht we are "powerless over the effects" of growing up in a dysfunctional family. The Step calls us to admit that our behavior today is grounded in the events that occurred in childhood. Much of that behavior mirrors the actions and thoughts of the dysfunctional parents, grandparents, or caregivers. Once we come out of denial, we realize we have internalized our parents' behavior. We have internalized their perfectionism, control, dishonesty, self-righteousness, rage, pessimism, and judgmentalness. Whatever the pattern might be, we realize we have internalized our parents.  Their behavior and thinking are our behavior and thinking if we are honest about our lives."

    "It is important to note that we have taken in or internalized both parents. This includes the parent who appears more functional compared to the alcoholic or chemically addicted parent. Our experience shows that the "functional" or nonalcoholic parent passes on just as many traits as the identified alcoholic. This "para-alcoholic" parent also passes on his or her pattern of inside "drugging" as well.  The para-alcoholic (the codependent) is driven by fear, excitement, and pain from the inside. The biochemical surge and cascade of inner "drugs" that accompany these states of distress in this parent can impact children as profoundly as outside substances. Our experience shows that the nondrinking parent's reaction to these inside drugs affects children just as the alcoholic's drinking affects them. We realize this seems technical, but it is important to understand if we are to comprehend the reach of a dysfunctional upbringing. As children, we are affected by the alcoholic drinking from without and by the para-alcoholic drugs from within. We believe that the long-term effects of fear transferred to us by a nonalcoholic parent can match the damaging effects of alcohol. this is why many of us can temporarily abstain from other addictive behaviors after growing up, but be driven by the inner drugs that can bring difficulties as we attempt to recover. Our para-alcoholism of fear and distorted thinking seems to drive our switching from one addictive behavior to another as we try to make changes in our lives."

    "Another way to think about how we acquired para-alcoholism as children is like this. The alcoholic can be removed from the family by divorce or separation, but nothing in the home really changes. The alcohol abuse or other dysfunction is gone, but the home remains fearful and controlling. Boundaries are unclear. The children don't talk about feelings. They either become enmeshed with the non-drinking parent or alienated from him or her.The rules of "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" apply even with the alcohol or other dysfunction removed. The inside drugs of the para-alcoholic are at work, affecting the children. The nondrinking parent's fear, excitement, and pain are affecting the children and are transferred to the children. This is the internalizaton of the parent's feelings and behavior in one of its purest forms."

    "Many adult children express anger at the nonalcoholic parent for not protecting them or not removing them from the dysfunctional situation. We felt abandoned watching this parent remain absorbed by the alcoholic's behavior. Ironically, many of us hold more resentment toward the nondrinking parent than the alcoholic parent."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent we learn helplessness, worry, black-and-white thinking, being a victim and self-hate. We learn rage, pettiness, and passive-aggressive thinking. From this parent, we learn to doubt our reality as children. Many times we have gone to our nonalcoholic parent and expressed our feelings of fear or shame. Many times this parent has dismissed our feelings. We have been called selfish or too sensitive when objecting to our drinking parent's behavior. In some cases, this parent defended or excused the alcoholics behavior."

    "The damage that some nonalcoholic parents can do through inaction or by failing to remove the children from the dysfunctional home boggles the mind. Some of these parents have ignored sexual abuse within their homes. In some cases, a child has been accused of being dishonest when the child tried to tell the nondrinking parent about the sexual abuse he or she was facing. This is difficult to think about or to accept, but for many of us it is true."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent, we learned to accept abusive or neglectful behavior as a natural part of life. For example, during an argument, some of us left or fled the home with the nonalcoholic parent only to return in a few days as if nothing had happened. From this behavior, we got the message that it was normal to push aside our fear and return to our abusive or shaming parent. As a result, we can have great difficulty  walking away from un-fulfilling relationships as adults. We know in our minds that we should leave, but it "feels" normal to stay. These are just a few examples of being infected by the disease of family dysfunction."

    "In the interest of fairness, we must realize that our parents passed on what was done to them. They are adult children as well. We are not blaming them for being powerless over the effects of family dysfunction. In most cases, the treatment that they handed out is the treatment they received growing up. Our parents internalized their parents. This has to be true if we are to believe that family dysfunction is passed down from one generation to the next."  Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Familes.

    Each time I read the word "alcoholic" I could exchange this for Sexual Abuser  and the para-alcoholic can be exchanged for para-sexual abuser.

    This book is incredibly affirming to what I have experienced in myself.

    I had to see where the pattern started, see it in me and then change it…by doing life different.

    What I love is that it shows the change, the cycle…and that the glue that keeps the cycle going IS denial.

    You can't just blame the abuser/alcoholic, you have to bring in the non-abusing parent and see the added dimensions of effects that you have internalized…to see the complete composite of who you are.

    It is wildly fascinating and extremely frustrating to show this pattern to my family and for them to deny it…

    They deny it for that is what dysfunctional families do. They are only following the pattern of their parents…

    It goes on to say.

    "A few of our parents have been lost to alcoholic insanity or dementia. They have been depraved and pitiful or unapproachable and scary. The alcoholic is powerless over alcohol and has an obsession of the mind to drink or take drugs. The para-alcoholic suffers from a similar condition, yet it is difficult to see since it is on the inside. In essence the alcoholic and the para-alcololic are the same personality driven by near identical fear, but one drinks and one does not."

    "This is where we got confused as children. We thought we were the drinker's problem or some part of it. From the alcoholic behavior, we assumed that we were no good, unseen, hated, ignored, used or attacked by the alcoholic because there was something wrong with us. From the para-alcoholic's behavior we assumed we were less important than the drinking. We deduced that we were the problem when in reality the disease of alcoholism was the problem. We take this mistaken belief into adulthood. We can continue to act out our childhood role with our alcoholic parent or someone else. Some of us can remain stuck and feel responsible for our parents on some level. We can act out our role with the nonalcoholic parent as well. If there was dysfunction in the home without alcoholism, we can have the same misperception. We can act out a dysfunctional role with our parents or another person."

    "Many of us are adults who have not admitted that our parents are alcoholic or that there was dysfunction in the home. Until we do so, we can still feel trapped by our family. We can remain confused about the extent to which we interalized our parents' behavior. We still get pulled into family crisis or arguments that lead nowhere. We accept family abuse and neglect, believing we have no choice." Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Families.

    While many would like to believe that I have lost my mind and I am damaging the family, they fail to see the pattern they are caught in.

    What a tight web this dysfunction weaves and how incredible the force that holds them together.  It isn't love, it's fear…the inner drug of choice…or the outer drug of abuse.

    This is the blueprint or the written pattern of how dysfunction looks and works…how it literally infects one generation to the next.

    How its strength is the fact that each generation is operating dysfunctionally and calling it normal.  How they are unable to see that denial is what is holding them together NOT love.

    How maddening it is to watch dysfunctional behavior infecting the innocent children…the seeminly unstoppable spreading or stealing of love, peace and joy from the lives of little ones….as they too experience neglect, abandoment…and feelings of no mattering enough.

    What will it take to wake them up?  What crisis will snap them out of denial? How many children will it take?

     

  • “Laying it Down”

    While filming for "Call Me Mental" David and I went through each of My Story Line quilts that are hanging at Copper Country Mental Health.  

    He listened and recorded what each meant to me. I loved this part, for it is like looking at my wounded self and watching her grow.   

    I was very touched that he took the time to edit and will show case each quilt… Me and My Lady….My Story Line; quilt One.

     

    It is the prelude to the Lady; the thought and idea of what it means to be without an ego or labels…etc.  Little did I know, that it would not appear so nicely as a teeter-tooter…but more like an implosion.

    Thanks David Cowardin and Lola Visuals…What a great keepsake for me.

  • Get this book

    I received a message on Facebook suggesting a book titled "Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families….in that I would find lots familiar.  Wow, is there ever.

    I am sure there will much I find helpful in sharing!

    Here is a sample…

    "People of all ages are so afraid of betraying their parents.  Speaking your truth, owning your reality is not an act of betrayal with your parents. There is a betrayal, but the betrayal is with the disease, the disorder, the dysfunction. To not own your reality or to not speak your truth is the ulitmate act of betrayal to yourself."

    "When you are speaking about what happened you are owning your losses; you are letting go of the minimizing, rationalizing, and denial.  It is part of rectifying your past. It means you are no longer carrying the baggage that comes with denial. At times adult children have been criticized for blaming their parents. The principles of ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families) are not about blame. They are about owning your truth, grieving your losses, and being accountable today for how you live your life."  

    "There are two other primary resistances to this recovery process as well.  People want recovery, but they prefer it be pain free. That is understandable, but unfortunately, identifying and feeling our feelings is part of healing.  People are afraid they are too fragile and will fall apart.  Where there is loss there will be tears; where there is loss there will be anger. but feelings are cues and signals to tell you what you need. It is the repression or distorted expression of them that gets people sick or into personal difficulty.  This program will help you learn to tolerate your feelings without hurting yourself or another.  I have been asked many times, does the pain ever go away? I believe the answer is yes."

    "Another resistance is people want to heal and live in the present, but they prefer to do it alone. This is often based on rigid self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is valued in our culture. The rigidity of self-sufficiency is based on mistrust in others and the fear of letting go of control. When you allow others to be part of your path, that is when it is possible to meet the resistance of fear of feelings. Others will shine the light and offer the hope that we deserve. As adult children we have lived a life of isolation for too long. Recovery is about connection."  ACA

    Now, can you see what this is a book that I would stand by….and I am only in it 2% according to the Kindle.  

    For all those who want to blame me for blaming our parents or for not getting me, I say get this book.

  • Mental to Love

    My episode on Call Me Mental, has a few members on the family tree talking about the mental illness of our relatives; past and present…and Is There Proof?

    It seems so completely insane that they will doubt the mental illness and want documented proof of suicides.  Like the obits will say "died by carbon monoxide due to having car running in closed garage…and that he suffered severe depression." 

    Even my father's obituary did not state he was a pedophile…nor did it say how many victims lay in his wake.

    Or that there needs to be more proof of my mother's state of mind, when she stayed married to a pedophile for 49 years.

    And, I have been writing this blog stating how I lived in denial and was mental for 46 years and how it has been to come out of the fog and the consequences of a brainwashing religion.  And, still they want PROOF?

    How odd this all is to me.

    Mostly, what I feel is that they will die trying to belittle or make light the mental illness that is running through our family on both sides.  A tree that is filled with nuts and they refuse to see them and instead want normal!

    Can you convince mental people that they are not normal…will any proof dent this belief?

    On both sides we have mental illnesses that have wrecked havoc on lives…mostly due to denial.

    Not only denial, but the indifference to those of us who are saying the truth to the cost of these mental illnesses.

    It isn't so much that my father is a pedophile…gone untreated and unstopped, but the folks who knew and did nothing.  It is like the mental illness is compounded by indifference and it flows without a hitch, for no one in their right mind was willing to stand up and say what is really going on.

    What I love is how the episode that was filmed is being defended and not cheered…for it shows how mental my family tree really is.  That is the proof.

    Turning your back with indifference upon my story and my journey and my art, IS all the proof I need.  If you were all truly in your right state of mind, you would naturally support the victims.

    But, you don't.

    You can't.

    Did you ever wonder why?

    If the only family you have ever known came from a Mental Family Tree, how would you know what mental is…for you have always called it normal….or better yet, the family 'secrets' of any mental activity was quickly blessed forgotten and life moves on.

    Most are emphatically stating that they are moving on with Joyful Hearts…paying no never mind to Beth and Carl and their filming on a documentary called "Call Me Mental".  They refuse to bring in our mentalness, JUST as they refused to bring in my father's and my uncles and the list goes on.

    This is a backwards stigma of abuse where your family WILL NOT ACCEPT you being mental.  And are only called mental when you point out the mental people.

    Can you get that?

    The refusal to see mental illness IS what keeps the mentally ill accepted as normal.

    And those of us who are trying to shine the light of what this has done to the victims in the past and the victims yet to be born…we are shown as mental while they defend they are a normal family of joyful hearts.

    What they truly want is a normal happy family that is blossoming…untouched fruits…when it is impossible.

    There is no way you can call your self or your life normal IF you were born into a home of a pedophile and with a wife who turned two blind eyes to what he was doing.

    I am sorry…impossible to come out normal from there.

    The only way you can, is to fully accept the mental illness you have inherited…and to start undoing the process by acting different. Sorta like behavior therapy.

    What is so hard is that the mental illness in their mind refuses to see itself…or to label itself being mentally ill.

    It was only when my mind and world completely fell apart was I able to see how mental it was…and still I had to earn my way forward.  I had to NoT do what I was taught by mental people.

    Even as I sit on a film called "Call Me Mental" the family refuses to see themselves in me…

    They want proof of being mental…and that is what I have been writing about for years is that our family is damaged and it will spread this on to the next generation by the virtue of indifference.

    I have heard in various tellings how my family members are moving on…leaving behind the negative, that life is too short, that they can't find peace with the negative, that they forgave and are now peaceful….Like the mental illness can be avoided by ignoring it.

    Really?

    Sadly the mental illness is alive and well in your head…and is making choices for you.

    It is seen by the way you act or don't act.

    It is in the indifference towards me.

    It is in the cruelty and belittling of my brother's life.

    You are the carrier of its insideous ways…and the only thing that will slow it down is to see it.  To embrace it and to own it.  And, to not shun those of us who claim it…but rather learn from us as to how we can stop it.

    Would my father have had such a long run, IF someone would have seen his mental illness?  Would there have been so many victims IF we as a family had embraced this disease and had him put away…40 years ago.  If my neighbors, pastors and mother brought him to the police and supported the victims in telling their story?

    I think not.

    What we don't acknowledge grows and spreads…

    I am proud to be called mental…for it is from there that I can work to right myself.

    It isn't the members of society that fully embrace their mental illness, but those who refuse to entertain the dark, that are damaging our families.

    My experiences with my family IS all the proof I need to know that mental is where I came from.  There is no part of my upbringing that was considered normal as far as the emotional, psychological and nurturing goes.  For I witnessed first hand how a pedophile is lovingly accepted, blessed and taken care of.

    And, the victim….left alone.  That is mental illness.

    For in a normal nurturing loving family, the victim would not be left standing alone…

    Love would know innocence from abuse…would move heaven and earth to stay far far away from anyone who hurts children.  Love would see the child's needs first, always.

    I moved from mental to love…

     

     

     

     

  • Un-wounded.

    The climate that is needed for an abused child to be heard is a place where all things go.  There can be no narrow road…but it has to be wide expanse of openness.

    The narrow road most will not see…even as they present it.

    When you live a life that is totally regimented, you leave little room for new information.

    I wonder what upsets you the most, that the new information will wreck your idealized life or the person delivering it.  What do you not want to change?  Your life or the image you hold of someone?

    I find this all intriguing and frustrating.

    Our concepts of each other and what our world 'should' look like closes the door for reality.

    Why is reality such a frightful place to be…when it is only your mind who will not let you see it, for your body lives here.

    The greatest clues we have is how our bodies feel.  

    I believe that some feel, I could have remained in the family and recovered.  That I could have continued my life UNCHANGED and made changes. That it was an extreme life surgery to give up family relationships.

    And yet IT is their responses to the truth that had me make the family changes.

    If they would have been open to wholly accept the totality of my truth, I would not have had to leave.

    They act, like I acted alone.  I did not.

    Even as the episode airs it is causing friction…NOT from its content, but from the indifference from my family.  

    What they will argue about isn't the truth, but the messenger. They will deflect the truth by tearing apart the person speaking it.

    I caught a small snippet about Solitary Confinement, and how it was started by the Quackers.  It was believed that if you gave a person the silent treatment, they would eventually see the error of their ways.

    I see their indifference the same way. It is somehow believed that if they don't respond, I will eventually 'see the wrongness of my ways' and return to the fold.

    The fold is waiting.  

    Waiting for me to concede my truths and accept the 'loving' family.

    They are waiting for me to return to the fold, sheepishly admitting, my bad.

    What they fail to see is how they are an unwelcomed clan for any truth and pain about abuse.

    They don't want to hear about the mental diseases that have plagued our family.

    The ancestors whose lives were displays of the affects of abuse.

    All signs of our longevity with denying abuse.

    Suicides, alcoholics, depression, bi-polar, addictions, sexual abusers, to those whose lives are without intimacy…to name a few. Not to mention the physical body and its ailments.  My family tree hangs heavy with the side affects of abuse and yet…there are many who don't want to look at this part.

    They want to remain focused on the good, like it will wipe away the rotting fruit.

    Rejecting what you all call 'rotten' or not loving and kind, is to shut off those of us who are abused.

    My silent and indifferent family would like me to believe that we are the same, and yet I hear not one word from them. All I hear, even second hand, is that perceptions of our family are many.

    Oh and that they are. 

    But, in the end there is only one truth, no matter how many perceptions there are.

    I looked up the word perception.

    "the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses."

    One of my mother's last sentences she spoke to me was "You and I have two different perceptions of the same man."  

    Yes, we do.

    There are two different perceptions of our family. But their inability to see or hear the wounded doesn't make us un-wounded.

     

  • Oppression of the Silence

    I see the project "Call Me Mental" as a great invitation to stand up and be real.  It was an unveiling if you will, about my whole life…and how I live with its truth.

    How interesting that there is a need for a documentary to show our 'whole' lives. That we have been taught and conditioned to just wear our 'nice' things out in public.

    Is this what is called "mental" to fully reveal your darkness?

    When others see me as being courageous, it seems odd to me…now.  

    However, I do recall the sheer terror and choking sensation of uttering words about something that has been kept in the dark for generations…and to admit I had no idea who I was…for I had built a life minus my truths.

    And, I also instinctively knew the cost of breaking the silence.  Which I guess is why I am seen as brave. 

    How many of us are keeping things in the dark and what is the cost?

    It seems to me we all pay a cost, it just depends on who carries the weight of the truth or handles the burdens of silence.

    My Self was the cost of 46 years of silence.  

    I lived a life minus me.  

    I lived to support others lives and to ensure their comfort.  

    Mostly I lived to keep the abusers happy…and the legacy of abuse going…unknowingly when I turned away from my truths.

    The only ones whose disapproval I feel, are those who still are actively supporting the legacy by their own silence and lack of owning their truths.  

    The stigma or disgrace that I am asked to carry is to be outspoken. That is a no no in the land of abuse. I am called mental for doing so, and being punished by silence.

    It is funny, in a sad and peculiar way, how my speaking out is viewed… 

    It isn't my words, my quilts or the newspaper articles that I shared, but rather where each person is standing in their own lives with the truth of who they are…that makes the difference.

    Their truth or the lack they live it, means more in how they hear me, than what I can say.

    It just seems that in this day and age, we should have evolved more in awareness and consciousness to be more truthful and open with not only ourselves, but with those we hang with. 

    If the "Call Me Mental" tour is inspiring others to live their truth, it will be a huge success.  To have folks from all walks of life, displaying their lives in a way that will lend courage for others to do so. We will evolve into more aware humans if we can all do this.

    It will be to break down the wall of perfection…that is disabling us from being ourselves.  

    The stigma is to disgrace perfection as its false strength… It wasn't that I have disgraced a warm loving strong family, but rather one that is steeped in abuse.

    We don't applaud perfection; but rather those who have overcome great odds to live a life of peace, love and joy, coming from whence they came.

    No one would see me as courageous for creating quilts. It is to create art when you don't know who the hell you are.

    To have the quilts showing me the way out of my darkness…for that is where I escaped when the rest of my life didn't make sense.  

    I had to make sense of the abuse. I had to accept a father that was less.  I had to lose family in order to stand by my truth.  

    My courage is to find a new me while lossing huge portions of the old me, and to live it out loud. 

    To show how mental it was to be removed from the truth and then how mental I am accused of being for standing by it.  

    I see those of us who refuse to bow back into the land of pretend, called Mentally Challenged, for we will not conceed our truths for your comfort and ease…and I guess grace.  

    We are willing and able to disgrace your life of pretending… as you pretend nothing is wrong…we continue to show you there is. We are mentally challenged when we can't pretend to pretend to pretend.

     Call Me Mental tour will be seeking those who dare speak their truths…when their families and society would prefer us to remain silent for their comfort.  It will be those of us who can't live in the oppression of the silence.

     

     

     

  • Shattered In My Mind.

    Yesterday the image of a darkened closet where we are talking and sharing but no one knows your name….and the outside where we see each other but rarely share our truths…stayed with me.

    The juxtaposition of never being with your truth and your face at the same time, let alone be with it with someone else…and ESPECIALLY with those you love.

    We somehow believe that our truths will not be embraced.

    And, we have learned this in our home environment growing up.  Especially where one parent was abusing and the other looking away.  We are left to pretend in the light of day, we are okay and nothing is wrong.  And we keep our truth hidden, silent and feel its shame.

    What I have been able to re-experience, is this phenomena.

    Except, I refuse to go back into the closet or to hide my face or not say my name.

    The filming for the documentary has solidified the wrongness of anonymous…for it mirrors abuse and perpetrates its shame.

    What is so odd is that those whose lives are lived half in the closet are not hidden at all.  For their behaviors and actions are clearly speaking out shame.

    We only think we can hide our truths, but our truths keep showing…in how we present ourselves, what we will share or not share, what we are comfortable with and what we are not…who we support and who we steer away from. What we call kind and love and what we think it is.

    There was no part of my life that abuse didn't touch. No part that wasn't spared.  Even in my quilts, my abuse was showing….

    The religion my mother chose supported her 'forgive and forget' life style, where you don't have to deal with abuse; but bless it away and get on with living.

    What I know, is that the truth isn't hidden, it isn't in the closet away from reality.  There is no place the truth can hide.  It is always showing. We for many reasons, refuse to see it and embrace it and live with its contents.

    Someone asked me last night as I was recounting my experience with being filmed and the talk of the church came in and or family and it was asked, if they believe it happened?

    I do believe they do believe IT happened.

    That Ray Huhta is a pedophile. But, what is so curious is how they continued to live like he had not shown this truth. Like IT didn't happen.  

    I did start to respond, "how so many didn't believe it…" But, what I know, is that they did not respond to it…for reasons unknown or known.

    To fully accept it, means your world will flip completely upside down.  Few chose this route. 

    What makes me appear mental, is I allowed my life to flip.  I flipped out.  I could no longer be separated from my truth…I was dying and I didn't even know it. Dying as the girl who would hide her feelings and her emotions…cramming them in this very tight space; away from reality.

    Perhaps the closet exploded…

    The closet doors were shattered in my mind.