I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • Awareness of Your Unconsciousness

    "I don't address Ellen as a victim or "survivor" but as a subject. She is the subject of her own unconsciousness, and, as a subject, she knows where to lead me, and she can become responsible for the havoc and suffering and choices of her own unconscious life. Even as a child, when she's eleven, this process of listening to the unconscious and becoming responsible can begin. From my point of view she is responsible for not telling, which doesn't mean she's to blame."  Annie G. Rogers

    A lot is being said in these few sentences.  

    Changing the words and veiwpoints from being a victim or survivor of abuse to being the Subject of your own Unconsciousness is not only huge, but accurate.

    It is about exploring the deep inner workings of how you live the way you live.  

    You are the subject that you are exploring and learning about, NOT the abuse.  You can't get free of being unconsciously moved about, unless and until you can see it. See it and understand the whys.

    By hiding from yourself, you are in the dark about so many things.  And yet, your actions are showing.  

    Somehow we believe that if we do not go deeply into our histories and delve into the actions of our parents, we will escape.  But in fact it is the opposite. You are held prisoner of your past when you fail to see it.

    The words victim and survivor didn't explain me as much as an explorer of my unconsciousness.  I had to know how I was able to live a life clueless of my abuse…for 46 years.

    I had to dig up what was going on in my childhood, the lay of the land, and to see who was doing what to whom and what was the response, in order to see how I grew to be the way I was.

    Just the fact, that I could live for 46 years unaware of my abuse, shows that I was unconscious of the truth of my own life.

    Knowing this startling fact, was where I began my search to know about me.  In learning about me, I was also learning about my family.  I wasn't created in a vacuum.

    I was born into a play that was already going.  I had to learn the language of my parents home.  

    In reading Annie G. Roger's book, "Unsayable"…I clearly was guided sublimibly.

    In order to keep their play going, I had my part.  It wasn't about my life, but theirs.

    Their play is still running, even after a few of us left the stage, the players are still maintaining the lead roles as accurate, even if the truth disputes it.

    In order for me to go back into the family, I would have to become unconscious again, which is impossible.  For once you know, you can't not know.

    Listening to my unconsciousness is what guided me to find me.  First I found me mental and broken, and could clearly see how I had to be in order to keep their story going. And once I seen how my behaviors were for them and for hiding abuse, I was then able to make new choices.

    I also love how she says, "she is responsible for not telling, which doesn't mean she's to blame."

    What is so confusing, is that if we tell, we are then accused of breaking apart a family and if we don't tell, we are then blamed for hiding abuse.  Which of the two evils do you want to pick?  Neither are the truth.  Yet somehow society has the person who has experienced the abuse, as the one who is responsible.

    Never is the abuser blamed for either.  When in fact he/she holds the responsiblity of doing both.  

    Tearing a family apart happens when the abuse occurrs…and it is for their personal benefit to keep it hidden.  It is their unconsciousness being exposed.

    If we all can start the language and conversations about exploring our unconsciousness, we can begin to find answers to abusive behaviors.  

    Abuse is our unconsciousness speaking to us. When we turn our backs or hide, or if we deny it, it doesn't go away.  It will continue to run and spread.

    My father's uncosncioussness was telling a story in his actions.  Those who refused to believe what he was saying, allowed him to speak it again.  If, the courts of the land understood this.  They would put him away so his truth didn't hurt another…and begin the process of having him explore his own life to reconcile his own childhood truths.

    There is only one way abuse can stop its cycle, and that is by awareness of your unconsciousness.




  • Files you Mislabeled.

    "In any treatment situation, it is the therapist who is responsible for holding two stories, or two plays, together. The work of sustaining a therapeutic relationship demands a two-sided or perspective in order to understand both stories. And the deepening of this relationship over time demands honesty and intimacy and sometimes extraordinary courage. Knowing that we are human, and therefore limited in our understanding and courage, we can be overwhelmed by these responsibilities. We can then create a greater distance to protect ourselves, and even appear to be unmoved by our patients’ responses to that distance. But the effect on our patients is deadening whenever we show them that they do not affect us. Or, alternatively, we can create an illusion of intimacy by making false promises, unwittingly seducing patients to reveal their deepest and oldest wishes, as if we could somehow mete out the right responses and withhold what would be harmful, as if we really knew that difference. But neither of these strategies really protects us from the terrible responsibility of holding another’s heart in our hands, at least for a time, while not forsaking ourselves.
    
    As I write this sketch of my observations about clinical practice, I see that, rather obviously, they carry the story of the book as a whole. I hope that others—parents, teachers, patients of every age, but clinicians especially—will read this story as if standing outside a house at a window at night, peering into a room at once familiar and unfamiliar, and watching an unfolding drama that adumbrates their own knowledge of relationships in psychotherapy."
    From Annie G Rogers, "A Shining Affliction - A Story of Harm and Healing in Psychotherapy"

    To me, it isn't just in the world of therapy, but in life in general. We are both responsible for holding the story and play of our lives together.  Being engaged with another human is to be fully present, to be the witness of their truths…to have the courage to be true.

    What is so amazing about Annie, is that she was a victim, she healed her wounds and can now be extremely affective as a therapist, for she can know what is helpful, what is needed…and that she must show up completely.

    The key is always…I see you.  And in my experience, until I saw myself completely, there was no way I could see others.  We see only as far as we see ourself.

    There are victims out there who are trying to help others, who have not dealt with their whole lives, especially perpetrators who focused only on their victim days and did not address their abusive ways.  If you can't see how your past is playing out in your present, you are not aware…and are repeating the past in the present.

    This is how the legacy continues.  The lack of seeing the past, the past shows up in the present to be seen. You don't see it, and the pattern goes on and on.

    The only way to stop the past from repeating is to see it.

    See what actually happened there, not what your mind would like you to believe.  To see reality in the past, will stop the past from living in your present day.

    I know this will be argued, but look around.  And see in families the dynamics being played out verbatium.

    If you can find a therapist who will challenge your past in your present, you will be on the road to recovery. Recovering your past and correcting all the files you mislabeled.


  • A Field Of Truth.

    "Then if you speak, you must not show your face, Or, if you show your face, you must not speak.  Shakespeare

     In Annie Rogers book, "A Shining Affliction" she writes,

    "These words of Shakespeare's.  I make my own translation quickly; "Speak the truth and hide your feelings in response to her nonresponse; or make up what you think she wants to hear, but shut up about what you really feel."   

    What is so mind blowing about this book, it is about therapists, but also therapist who are unhealed or who are blocked when it come to healing their patience, due to their own issues.  Incredible and astonishing and true. 

    The weaving of this story is spellbinding…and tragic and enlightening, how the patients truly is in charge, how they bring in their truth, how they are so authentic and then how it is met.

    Into what hands does their truth fall?

    And how is it held and responded to.

    I believe, if the folks in therapy knew how critical it is for us to find someone to hold our truths, that it is WAY more about how they hear us then, HOW we tell our truths.

    It is my belief, that by the time an abused confused person happens to be sitting in a chair in any therapy type situation, they are desperately seeking someone to get them back to reality. 

    And, if the therapist ISN'T in their own reality, HOW in the Hell, can they get us to ours???

    This book is a Must read for anyone considering the line of truth work. That is what therapy is. We are looking to you to help us find our path in reality.  

    I just know by my own experience, that when I wasn't in my truth, I couldn't see truth in others.  

    Now that I am, I can be a witness to anothers truth.  I believe, to the depth of my being, that therapy will be changing in this direction. It will be a field of truth!

     

  • My Truth was Welcomed In.

    As I sit back and ponder my Keynote at Dial Help's Gala, I recall telling Tom Rosemurgy, that I always felt safer when he was there.  It even struck me as odd, for I was mingling and thoroughly enjoying myself, so where did the "unsafe" feeling come from.

    It occurred to me while taking my sheets off the line, that what he does is he upholds my truth with me.  He carries it, he believes me.  He, the Law Man.

    I felt so safe with Tom and the Dial Help girls and even with the Audience.  Safe meaning my truth about my history was honored.

    When I feel that with these kind folks, it makes me understand what "hostile" means.

    It means NOT believing in me…

    I know that some of my family reads this blog, and they would dispute my claims, that they don't believe me…or my story.  For they would say they do.

    Yet the sole reason, I physically as well as emotionally have put distance between us IS their reaction to my truth.

    While they were retaining a family, I was tearing it down exposing the abuse.

    This is the parting of ways.

    Their focus is and has been on keeping the family unit.  Which then leaves me standing there with my abuse showing and them paying more attention to keeping a family, than looking at how it affected me.

    What I felt on August 9th, as I moved around the atrium with My Lady quilts fully displayed, were folks who seen me.

    Their first agenda or words to me were not why I wasn't with my parents etc.

    They were extremely attentive to the journey an abused person travels in order to regain their power.

    My speech will not win ribbons, but what I love, Love, LOVE is that I did it.

    I stood up and gave it my best first shot.

    Against the family grain, I did what they don't want me to do.  Focus on Abuse and speak of estrangement.

    I am not even certain, they realize that I am estranged…due to their lack of being with my truth and not with the family.  I have felt that they hold me entirely responsible for my poor choice of keeping away from family members, functions and exiting relationships.

    How many folks would stay with someone who required you to keep your truth away.

    I just read today in a book titled, "A Shining Affliction- A story of Harm and Healing in Psychotherapy" by Annie Rogers….

    "I feel we're not talking about me – as I know myself."  She does not respond.  I go on. "When I say something really important to me, it doesn't seem to matter to you."  As I speak, her face is closed.  My words go out into the air and dissolve, as if I've said nothing – or worse, they hang in the room as if I've said the wrong thing.  I keep trying, as if I can find something that will interest Melanie and compel a response.  Then I give up, and we sit in silence again."  

     This is fairly close to the reaction my family has given me…What a great paragraph to depict why we feel the hostility.  There is no welcoming of our truths.

    Here is a picture of Tom…that I love.  He never, not ever, closed his face and let my truth hang in the room as if I had said something wrong. He is a gift to all victims who find the courage to speak up.  And he passed me on to An-Gel, who also accepted me completely.  The ease we have with each other is priceless.  They help carry my truth.  

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    And here is one of my new friend Barbara Rose. We felt an immediate connection.  I feel humble by her hearing me.  Sitting with my buddy Kirsten Menigoz, who when we met felt a strong immediate comfortableness…old souls reunited.   

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    Imagine what a fine reception for my truth!  A beautiful venue…and even Live music of Melissa Davis.

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    Thanks Melissa…it added a wonderful lively touch.

    Here I am in my speech talking about loving my lady, even without hair and standing like this.

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    I love my open stance, strong and sure.

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    And I love this one of the three of us. These two ladies are working hard to help victims…and I have now joined their team.  

    It certainly was a night to remember…a place that honored my truth….stood in reverence of my quilts…I was completely at home there, for my truth was welcomed in.

    Thanks to all the Dial Help Team, Tom and the community!  I am humbled by it all. 

  • Universe called Me.

    I know what it feels like to live on both ends of the spectrum of having to be brave and strong and have courage, while inside of you is nothing….and then stepping out fully charged.  The two are lifetimes apart…or seven years in the making.

    I recall having to walk around our local town after the headlines in the paper and feeling so incredibly small, weak, vulnerable…"Like a scared rabbit" my husband remarked.

    And I was.

    I didn't know my own strength then…I was fully under the control and power of the outside sources, other's opinions and living from the outside in….and my outside crashed. So, I was left powerless.

    I had to use my own auxilliary power…my own definitions and choices.  My individual and personal resources, which added up to about 1%.

    I didn't realize how much I was powered by the church, family and society, until it suffered a complete shut down.

    My auxilliary power of 1% had to take over.  

    This was my sense of self, of who I am and how I fit in.  1% of my self worth was all that was left when you took away the religion and family legacy that I followed religiously as a good girl.  

    I had about 1% rebel, and that was what I began to live from.

    My inner dwelling place was small, a dot…a weak bleeping signal and that was what had to believe in.  My faith now switched from the outside to the inside.

    Living from the inside out…

    Incredibly I trusted this small tiny blip…this small sense of me.  I put 110% of my choices and confidence in this tiny dot called me.  For what I knew for sure is that the outside I had been following was completely not matching reality.  It was wrong…but my body had always been right.  It feared my father.  I had to now find out who I was inside.  My me muscle.

    This muscle of me was so damn small and weak and unused, it was shriveled up and stiff and with each decision I made and each time I trusted its choice, it grew.

    It flourished, unbended, stretched, grew limber and powerful and began filling up my insides, one section at a time.

    When I stood before the public at the Gala I had 7 years worth of self growth inside of me.  I felt strong and powerful being me.

    I know me.

    I trust me.

    I love me.

    The juxtaposition between the two are hard to articulate, but are clearly depicted in my quilts.  

    What I knew was that my self worth was growing, what I didn't focus on was that it is really our own self power.  That it isn't an auxilliary power, but our main power source.  Self worth is self power.

    I previously used the outside…people's ideas of me and the churches rules to power me.  I rarely made a choice based upon my own power, which back then was my auxilliary power.

    I love that my main power source is inside of me…plugged straight into the universe.

    Speaking my truth and never waivering from what it required me to do, has continued to recharge and expand my power base inside of me.  

    I agree it takes courage to stand up and tell your story, BUT it takes vastly more power to face your abuse, see your family as dysfunctional, make steps to separate all while operating under about 1% power.

    Yet, what I have come to know.  The authentic power doesn't need as much as the outside power.  It must multiply exponentially when it comes from your heart and soul…oh yeah, the Universe supports truth only.

    1% power from the inside can completely begin to turn your whole life around.

    It's a power that is completely reliable and unpluggable.  You will never be without power…for it lies within you.

    My Lady powered by the Universe called me.




  • My Lady and I are on a Crusade!

    Well it is official, I am a public speaker…I am no longer a first-timer.  I trusted in my natural ability to share and speak from my inner self, and it worked. 

    Some were a bit taken aback, when my plan as to just speak.  To carry no notes, to not prepare, but arrive and let it come…to just allow what comes to mind spill forth. 

    I knew anything less would be unnatural for me and would have me being one step removed from the event, like playing me being me.

    So I skipped right to me.

    I felt good.

    I felt strong, and it flowed out unrestrained, nothing was off limits, I was open.

    A few times I did leave the audience with concern for a few tears being shed by my daughter and my friend…but I hopped back into the speech and reconnected to the audience.

    The woman who gave my introductions did a brilliant job, a perfect segue into me.

    She quoted my blog.

    "I wonder what the Guest Speaker will say tomorrow evening at the Dial Help Gala?  I wonder what parts of her 7 1/2 year journey out of dysfunction will come to mind? What would the donors who support Dial Help most want to know?  How often does an event such as this have the opportunity to hear a victim share their story…and what parts would be the most helpful to the community at large?  

    I have begun many speeches in my head and when I recognize the lack of an audience, it fizzles out….Well your audience is here now, Beth.

    And so I got up feeling very surreal.  Me, a public speaker??? Really???

    But, there sat the public, so I guess so. 

    I can't really say what I said, for I was saying it not listening…which I know will sound strange, but that is how it went.  I know I hit the spots I wanted them to know…

    How it is that an abused child loses a family when they set out to heal…how the old detective didn't want my sexual abuse to come between my relationshipw with my father and how I wanted him to find one, just one, common denominator….but he didn't.  How, the community would help the victims by staying in reality and not budging.  How Silence is for the Perpetrator and Speaking out is for the Victim/Survivor.  

    My one moment of emotional wobbliness came when I read Rythea's quote.

    "The people who have lost their parents and families due to abuse deserve the utmost respect and support. These people have risked it all to heal and stand up for the truth. These people are heroes and angels who hold a horrific reality for everyone else. They have suffered and escaped, and for that, I bow my head in reverence."

    When I was done, Dial Help gave me a vase of fresh flowers in appreciation for my work.  I was in shock and awe, for I have only been there but a few months.  

    As the Gala ended…many people sought me out, asking to purchase a quilt, my book, offered eye to eye contact saying to me… "You are brave"  "Strong" "Courage"  "Powerful"

    I accepted their words…I felt them into each of my cells, they rang true.

    Oh, and I found a new friend.  An instant comfortable strong familiar knowing, a tug, a draw, a magnetic pull and our personalities meshed, connected.  Something neither of us could have stopped if we tried.  I invited her to come to the WIND…she accepted.  She does visions…of course, since our first creative project is a Vision Collage.

    I was told I was a crusador, before this event…and had to look up the meaning.

    "A vigorous concerted movement for a cause or against abuse."  Yep, that is me.

    My Lady and I are on a Crusade!

    Below is the link to our local paper.  Check out where I am! 

    Daily Mining Gazette

    My daughter took many photographs. When she completes her work on them, I will pass them on!