I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • Keeping the Silence!

    Was it really just one week ago that I met David Cowardin and heard the about the documentary- "Call Me Mental"?  It has been a roller coaster week with journeys back to the past and dreams of the future, memories drug into the present and new thrills and possibilities.  The combination of mixing the old with the new the good with the bad, left my body in a state of contradiction.

    Moments of fear tingling with terror slamming into excitement and choreographed magic.

    The colliding of my past, present and future…and the feelings and emotions each carry.

    Being pulled back and forth…and with new revelations.

    It was to go on visual tour back; a life review but with the eyes of someone who sees…and a new friend who believed me.

    Most often, it feels that I have to work really hard to articulate and prostrate, to explain the insanity…to make believable the unbelievable.  Trying to explain how what appears normal is actually insane.

    What struck me to the core years ago was that I was seen as mental.

    And, the drive in the old neighborhood, gave me the clear view of another girl who appears like me.  Who didn't have access to a photojournalist, who didn't have the books, the tools and the means to right her own mind; against the backdrop of insanity.

    I know how it feels to be the lone voice of 'reason' and how they feel free to berate and dismiss my truths as evil remonstrations against 'good' folks and institutions.

    The brilliance of this film are these daring free spirited, soul-full, kind photojournalists, who have taken on the stigma of the mental, is that they are willing see the world from the eyes of us "mental" folk.  

    They are not interviewing the families or friends to show our insanity, but instead seeing our lives through our eyes. Seeing our experiences and how we came to be this way.

    I see this project as being the tipping point to upend the 'normal' and show its ugly underbelly.

    To see what sends us over the deep end.

    It isn't our minds.

    It isn't our experiences.

    It IS the blind eyes upon evil that drive us nuts.

    It is the dismissing of wrong doing.

    It is not believing in the pattern and the gravity of its long reach.

    The discounting of children's lives and their innocence…as they uphold the fake image of good of adults and churches, and who delete the actions upon children.

    I love that this documentary is dancing on the lip of exposing the insanity that lives in the lives of the so called normal.

    This so called normal is the good ole boys club phenomena…where we do what we do without question, just because it is what we were taught.  Not because it is right.

    I see this documentary as furthering what I have come to believe…that we as society are in need of a great Ah Ha!  

    Reactively we have stood by the institutions and the elders…without question or challenge.

    "Call Me Mental" is the uprising of children against these old paradigms.

    We know what doesn't work.  It is time for a change. I am proud to be part of the parade of children speaking out! 

    My hats are off to the guys of Lola Visuals…may the power of the Universe lead us forward!  Giving us the platform for which we can shout…I no longer feel that my voice is just a whisper.

    1656103_581558821927090_572775912_n

    I hope my voice is clear and that it can articulate what those who went before me could not say!  I speak for those who have been silenced by a label "Mental".  

    Call Me Mental, but I am no longer keeping the silence!  

     

    Please show your support to us mental folks by going to "Call Me Mental" facebook page or to their site, and donate to the cause for breaking the stigma!  http://callmemental.com

     

  • Beyond Faith

    I went back to my old church today…and I brought my new friend.  

    IMG_1255

    A cold and blustery day.  It matched my feelings.

    Who would have thought that someday, I would return…with a photojournalist.

    Trying to capture how this religion played such a crucial part in my childhood abuse.

    It is the lens my mother couldn't see through.

    The child's wound remains invisible…as does the sin she blessed away.

    There was no longing or wish to belong.  No guilt or shame.  Just an incredible chill of what this structure is used for…

    Where a child's mind is bent and shaped to bend and shape reality to be different than it is.  

    Did my photojournalist see the truth through his lens?  IMG_1254

    Does a camera see beyond Faith.

  • I Love My Team!

    This morning I thought of doing a montage of folks who have helped bring awareness to My Lady…my art and backstory.  Those who have helped her enter into the public arena.  The brilliance of the Art is juxtapositioned with the unveiling of her truth, otherwise known as family secrets.

    I have much appreciation for those who have spiritually and physically been by my side.  Without your presence, I would not have stood as tall or have been so brutally honest.  You are my forever heart friends!  

    I met Tom Rosemurgy when I went to get my father's evidence.  He passed me on to An-gel.  An-gel and her crew invited me to be the guest speaker at the Dial Help Gala.

    217942_3485431017055_1793380178_nThey gave me the courage to keep being me and to be out there.  Like Way out there!

    A gentle man was at the Gala and he tried out bidding the Detective (Tom Rosemurgy) at the auction to be owner of one of my quilts.  Tom won, but Joe waited for the next opportunity….and, it came.

    Joseph Freed was the high bidder the next year and asked if I would consider displaying my quilts at Copper Country Mental Health.  I said, "Yes".

    603335_10200238636991161_1299343145_n

    Joseph's vision to have My Story Line quilts hanging in the offices of Copper Country Mental Health to add Art to their space has been very well received.

    They had a "Meet the Artist" social for me, where I met with Chad Johnson who works at the Club House.

    1616479_10153800331130594_333677315_n

    Chad was asked to ask me if I would consider being part of a documentary in the making….again.  I said Yes. 

    The reason?

    Because this trail has been layed out in front of me, and I, like a relay wand have been handed off to one caring person to the next.  What is so brilliant, IS that I don't ask, but am asked.  

    I am not the movement, but the movement is asking me to join.

    Which brings me up to my last Yes…to be part of David Cowardin's documentary…"Call Me Mental".  He is not doing this alone, but he is the face of the team that I know.  

    1927025_10153800331815594_825125386_n

    Without these kind warm spirited people who are out there trying to make a difference in the lives of those suffering, I would not have become so visible.

    I would not have dared to step out so far.

    To expose so much.

    You all have thought I was stronger than I was…for I have taken a bit of courage from each of you.  You believed in me…when so many others want to shame me for speaking out.

    I did not commit the crime.

    I am bringing Light and breaking the silence.

    The abuse is over for me.

    My father was convicted, tried and sentenced.

    I am speaking out NoT for me, but for those who follow me.

    I am daring to shake foundations that have been held firmly in place by silence.

    No one spoke out publicly against abuse within my old religion for me.

    I am standing out for those who are without a voice.

    I am not willing to know and do nothing.

    The opportunity arose to work with a photojournalist, I said "Yes".

    The stigma is there as long as we remain silent.

    My shame is released each time I speak out loud.

    These individuals each brought me a new platform to stand upon.

    Thank you, Tom, An-gel, Joseph, Chad and David!

    You were placed on my path at the right time and with the perfect venue!

    I love my Team!

     

     

     

  • The Mic is Open.

    "Art is both therapy and tragedy. Somewhere in the mix lies hope for humanity. That is the foundation of our work … the intangible hope that pulls us toward some horizon we spend every day trying to explain, knowing that the landscape will change when we wake. Everything else occupies the space of comfortable distractions. We hope to never be comfortable."

    ~LoLa Visuals and 5th Estate Films

    I found this on David Cowardin's business page….Lola Visuals.  No wonder he is the one to take my story.

    Being uncomfortable is something hard to get used to.  Putting myself in new situations; like being filmed.

    Well, being filmed would not be bad… it is discerning. 

    Most worry about what they look like…hair, size and overall physical presentation.

    Instead my concern is how I sound.  

    Not my voices tone, but its content.

    And it isn't the value of the message or its worth, but how it will be received.

    I know I have a unique story; my art stems from therapy in tragedy.

    It has been the balm that re-balances my life.

    Soothing my rattled nerves.

    I only had about a 3 day window from being asked to be part of this project "Call Me Mental", to sitting in a chair…facing the camera, and sharing Me.

    My body has been clanging inside…the mixture of wild exhilaration of sharing my story, my art and my hope…only to be bracing for the onslought of redicule from my family of origin.

    I am out of my comfort zone again.

    The zone where you don't make waves.

    When I am asked to be part of something that will help others, I say yes. 

    My Lady leads the way; I follow.

    I follow knowing the cost to my personal life and its affect upon my body.

    Inside of me are two extreme opposite energies or emotions.  Love and Fear.

    Love of sharing hope and encouragement in breaking the silence and to stand in the truth of who you are…and the fear of doing so.

    I feel such great kindness and care, honor and respect from David as we film.

    I feel a mixture of trepidation and excitement to see my story and art on film.

    And I am bracing for the haters…while excited to see if my story can help others.

    I have to withstand the negative in order to help even one person feel less alone, less mental and more hopeful.

    My family has not supported any of what I have done; for in order to share my message, the family's secrets are laid bare.

    I get it.

    I just don't know how we can break the stigma of being sexual abused and to flip the role of the victim carrying the responsibility, unless one of us stands up.

    I stand up in front of the camera, knowing I will be blasted from behind.

    While I am seen by strangers and new friends, as a hero, someone who "kicks ass"…"an incredible woman"…I am also seen as one who wrecks our family.

    Who 'enjoys' the trashing the family in public.

    One who doesn't care about family…for I willingly throw ours under the bus.

    I willingly offer our dysfunction to be dissected by the public.

    Is there any other way to break the silence without breaking the silence?

    I also will second my brother's invite, "Speak now or forever hold your peace!"

    Challenge me.

    Correct me where I am wrong.

    Step forth and show the public how mental I am!

    Sit where I have sat and bear your soul.

    Share what you have to teach, your message of hope and healing…your experience of being a child of a pedophile; the mic is open.

    IMG_1152

    It is Open Mic on "Call Me Mental".

     

     

     

  • All of You!

    Day two of filming "Call Me Mental" 

    It is hard to articulate the process for it is Art in the making…and you are just a piece of a bigger picture…and yet how you present yourself will add or take away from the project.  It truly is an audition and bringing the right and perfect content that is needed to inform, inspire and push the envelope…to start a social change as this documentary explores the stigma of mental illness.

    Can you explain and share your mental illness clearly?  Will it leave the viewer more hopeful and normal in their illness?  

    For I see myself as being a normal person who was put in abnormal situations and the effect that had on my life.  And, then the process of recovering my self from the affects…if you will.

    David Cowardin is simply the perfect person for letting us share our stories.

    These are not typical stories. They are our wounds and greatest pains.  He handles them and us, with the open space of gentle kindness while doing Art.

    He adjusts lights and cameras while we are pouring out our souls.

    He asks questions with kind eyes and a soul willing to hear.

    1927025_10153800331815594_825125386_n

     What is so weird and surreal we are creating wonderful art from tragedy; if you will. Look at our smiling faces…you can feel our bond of good energy. 

    He and his partner are going into our darkness with bright lights.  

    1655004_10153800330395594_2126193261_n

    We are bringing Light to an segment of society that has been kept in the dark….our secrets and the places to seek help.  

    I simple love that my quilts are in Copper Country Mental Health, and we are doing a film, "Call Me Mental" and bringing brightness….into what wounds us.

    Willing to display your wounds on camera, as well as what was helpful in healing them…will help others find their way.  Or so is my hope.1616479_10153800331130594_333677315_n

    Last night was a bit easier for me, for it was explaining the quilts.  To re-visit each one and feel what they saying…what part of my journey did they capture.

    I once again felt the awe of what came forth in each quilt.  I feel the magic of the story and how my subconsciousness was revealed.  I am viewing my art like I wasn't there making it!

    And to top the evening off, my brother and I were connected via Skype.

    IMG_1175

    Bringing him into my episode…for we have shared a very unique experience…as siblings, friends and partners in recovering after abuse.

    There are not enough words to express the delicate place we were both in…him trusting me and me having the courage to use truth and reality…

    Using all I had to offer…freedom and reality.

    He gave me the books and authors that I used to help me help him.

    The yoga too he shared with me.

    He was my first and is my most ardent cheerleader.

    Thank you Carl for giving me all of you!  

     

  • How I came to be…

    First day of filming done….and actually David was here for the morning.  He was wonderful wonderful!  Kind, curious, attentive and very creative, quiet, responsive, and open.  The perfect photojournalist for me!  Thanks Chad Johnson for connecting us!

    IMG_1150

    He wanted a quilt to be my backdrop, and this is the only one that was completed enough to do the trick.  This photo is blurry, but you get the idea of the stage he created!

    IMG_1152

    There were three very bright lights focused on me.  Once I seen all the equipment, it almost had me nervous…like this is real, we are going "live".  Lights, Camera…and action!  I was the object…how will my story land.  

    David was very good at keeping the flow going, or so it seemed.  Neither of us worked from a script or scripted notes, just me being me and David intently listening capturing the gist of my story.

    He took one hour of video in the "interview" type setting…then the Sunshine came into the livingroom and played with the lighting…too distracting but a great invite for us to go outside!

    IMG_1146

    I choose to dress like I usually do on my Sundays at home. I felt relaxed and myself and it assisted with calming me. I was Me being Me!

    He took video of me walking outside…for this was a very important part of my recovery; to be with nature.

    We then took footage of my quilting space and of me quilting.  He is as creative with his camera…just like an Artist.  Paying attention to details…to weave the story together.

    He asked if I had a white piece of fabric that we could write the words "Call Me Mental"….and that inspired me to create a quilt that will be in my episode.  I choose one of my hand-dye fabrics as the background and then used the white and black fabrics for the words….and I added My Lady!

    IMG_1162

    What a fun way to honor the documentary…with a quilt!

    IMG_1163

    I love the word play of Call Me Mental, if you must… and I will call me whatever I feel!  

    IMG_1159

    The uneven border is because the handstitching isn't done…but I wanted to put this on the blog…celebrating the first day of filming my episode for "Call Me Mental".

    Thanks again Dave for being you…and for taking such good care of me and my story and for treating it as it is….a wound of childhood that reverberated out for years…creating a survival self. And, my journey to find the real me!  Call Me Mental, but I am just revealing all of who I am and how I came to be…

    More to come…at 5pm tomorrow Dave will be back behind the camera and My Lady will be in front!

  • Breaking the Silence of Denial.

    The good news about having such a short time to 'prepare' for the filming, is that there is no time to prepare….so you don't have to.  

    The normal response is how do I look and how does my home look and then….the realness sets in, when I know that is not what people will tune in to experience, but rather the content of how it feels to be labeled and treated like you are mental…and to learn more about mental illness and disorders.

    Who in their right mind would volunteer for such a documentary to disclose and expose your inner darkness?

    Me.

    However, I believe my story is backwards or society is and I guess the viewer will be left to answer that on their own.

    As I thought about this "interview" I recalled the interview with the detective who came to take the statement from me to help create a case against my father.

    These encounters are not your typical conversations, for they want to know what you usually keep silent about.

    They are here to go into the darkness and bring you there too.

    When the Detective came into my home, it was just a few weeks out of my denial…and today I am 10 years out.

    The me who sat in the chair 10 years ago, bravely trying to wrap my brain around me being abused, is so not who I am today.

    I have had 10 years of writing and doing art…of endless talking with my brother, to reading books about abuse.  I have done yoga to express the emotions trapped in my body.  Read books from authors who are brilliant in recounting their stories and share what is helpful.  I have been out and about in our local town, doing social services on the topic of being sexually abuse.

    This interview will be different…but so am I.

    I am not in the throes of trauma…shell shocked from living for 46 years in denial to be smacked into reality, digging into a darkness that was so wide and deep and terrifying…and me so small.  Not in size, but in inner self, of knowing who I was.

    I am ten years strong today.

    This interview will host a woman who is wise in the ways of being a victim and what is needed to move beyond.

    The detective's interview was of a new victim, 40 years after the crime.

    She had a mind who failed to record the sexual abuse, so she lived in denial.

    And what came to me yesterday, is that when the mind fails to record, "it didn't happen" and that is how I lived…denying its existence.

    Denial.

    Most would not think that denial is a mental illness.

    And, I think it is one of the most common, and widely accepted as being 'normal', and not an illness at all.

    It wasn't the actual act of being sexually molested, (raped by my father), but the fact that it wasn't recorded.

    For I then lived my life like it didn't happen…that my father wasn't a pedophile.

    To live with a pedophile like he was just a normal dad, is what was mental.

    Not the 10 years that I have now lived in reality…this I call being of sound mind.

    My left brain as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says "Took the least amount of information and weaved the most plausible story…" creating a normal family…it denied all references to abuse.

    Denial is manufactured in the left brain.

    How incredible to learn that the left brain doesn't need facts or reality checks.

    And, yet how devastating to learn that the life you lived for 46 years has very few anchors in reality.

    Giving up denial is quite shocking to the system…to all at once know you have been duped by your own mind.

    I would not have been able to live so long in denial, unless the rest of my family lived there too.  If there had been anyone in reality at the time of my abuse, I would not have entered into denial. 

    But denial is the land my mother resides in….and she brought us all there.

    And once you are aware, you lose your ability to deny.

    To me, the greatest tragedy of abuse in a childhood home isn't the abuse, but the lack of bringing it into reality to be dealt with. What we are taught by our need for silence, to deny.

    Deny and not speak of it. This very small and quite large application that is required to remain at peace and have love of family, it is what sends us to live one step out of reality.

    Abuse doesn't mess with your mind.  The aftermath does.  

    How does your mother respond?

    Do the adults see the children in danger?

    Who is there that you can speak to and be heard.

    A few days after my flop into reality, I said…all it would have taken for us to be rescued is one eye that saw us or one ear that heard us…one hand reaching in to save the child.

    The filming today is for me to try and articulate the act of denial that followed my sexual abuse and how it was more damaging than the sexual act itself.  The body heals, but the mind goes untreated.

    What my untreated mind needed the most was reality.  Even if reality was terrifying and disgraceful to know.  Knowing what I had denied was the key to recovery. Recovering the truth of me.

    "Call Me Mental"…I hope, will help dispell the shroud of what creates mental illnesses…and how we all participate in the dance.  

    My father didn't act alone.  He acted, and many many of us denied it. When you deny realty once, it becomes a way of life, going on "forgiving and forgetting".

    This morning, I will once again, act against the family legacy; breaking the silence of denial. 

     

     

  • “I am Mental”

    And, Alice Miller again!  

    "If I succeed in making even a few people aware of how the victimization of children is concealed by placing the blame on them, then all the misunderstandings and reproaches for being one-sided that I anticipate would be a very small price to pay, compared to the importance to me of what I shall have achieved."

    "Those who have read the first chapter of my book "For Your Own Good" will understand why Freud's first theory, his trauma theory, and my own findings that support it inevitably encounter much greater resistance than the theory of the Oedipus complex.  I see this resistance as a social phenomena and am prepared for the misinterpretations and reproaches it engenders.  If there were none, it would have been superfluous for me to write this book.  The heritage of millennia cannot suddenly cast aside.  As analysts we must be understanding of this, but we cannot be expected, on the other hand, to shut our eyes tighter than ever after analyzing patients all these many years and making discoveries no one wants to know about.  People don't want to listen because they are not ready to bear what they will hear. That is justifiable, for to achieve genuine insight is a slow process in which intellectual knowledge plays only a small role.  What is decisive is no doubt the willingness to remain open, open to what "the patients" and the poets tell us, to what our children have to reveal to us, and, finally to the discoveries we can make about our own selves once we are able to take our feelings and our fantasies seriously and see them as messages about earlier situations in our lives." 

    "As soon as opposition to the truth about the damage done to young children under the cloak of silence becomes less widespread and unyielding than it is now, these messages will not need much coding. Mariella Mehr's moving book, "Steinzeit (Stone Age), is an indication of this. At age thirty-two this woman succeeded in uncovering the most inconceivable martyrdom of her childhood and youth as well as a whole long and hidden chain of persecution and assault; she did this by experiencing her pain and other accompanying feelings in their full intensity, and in the process found her true self. The change from petrified, dehumanized creature to a vital, feeling, and suffering human being took place of primal therapy, apparently in its best possible form. In any case, we sense here the presence of a trustworthy nonpedagogical, empathic support figure, who is never placating, never conceals the truth with theories, ideologies, or mystification.  The only concession Mehr makes to the reader's resistance is her designation of the book as a "novel" thereby giving her reader the opportunity to take a psychiatric approach and call the whole thing the product of a "diseased imagination." But even the most horrible imaginings seldom approach the horror of reality. Mehr's book is an exceptional peice of work, both for its conviction as well as for the significance of its findings.  This work illustrates and indirectly confirms several of my premises."

    1. it is the depth, intensity, and authenticity of experience that gives a literary work its force and not the psychological naivete (or lack of awareness of the unconscious) of the author; therefore, a writer's familiarity with his or her unconscious does not diminish literary power.

    2. The source of creativity lies in the creative person's capacity for suffering, not in his or her neurosis.

    3. Liberation and the ability to love are attained by experiencing traumatic childhood situations and articulating the resulting hatred and despair, not by acting them out.  Only if these emotions are dissociated from their cause will they lead to destructive and self-destructive behavior.

    4. Change in society is brought about by uncovering and recognizing the truth in its entirety, not by manipulative methods based on acceptance of social taboos.

    5. Old wounds will heal over if feelings find full acceptance and if emotional access to childhood traumas is provided, not if drive conflicts are intellectually resolved or if improved control and mastery over drive desires are achieved.

    6. Access to these traumas will be facilitated by a trustworthy, sincere support figure, not by complicated theories.

    "Once this access has been won, then the numbness that was needed to survive gives way, even in the case of a woman whose schizophrenic mother twice attempted to murder her as a little girl, a woman who was repeatedly raped and was forced to undergo electric shock treatments and disciplinary measures of unbelievable brutality.  No "mere" imagination could have invented all this, could ever have described it in such a consistant way. There are simply some horrendous things in this world tha the philosophers (the fortunate ones) have not yet dreamed of. But at the same time there are an increasing number of people who are able to see these things because at some point along the way they have found an aware and sensitive support figure. To be sure, the truth that individuals discover through their pain can be crushed over and over again by the tomes of pedagogical, pyschriatric, and theological wisdom, but it cannot be destroyed, for every newborn child has the capacity to discover the truth anew."  Alice Miller

    Alice Miller's brilliance is that she truly gets that the truth is there for everyone…and that you can't love until you first feel the trauma of childhood, and that it also takes someone who is willing to listen; be supportive to our truths.

    At anytime, if the listener leans away from the child to defend the adult, they have withdrawn their support.  It doesn't take much, and the trustworthiness is broken.

    What I also love about her writings and discoveries is that they match head to head with my own.  

    While I get lost in her famous Analysists and their theories, I am one with her on what works, and that is in direct opposition to these famous theories.

    I know what they were saying and why, but I also know how it would never support the child and their truths.  

    Just as I know the mission behind the FALC and their forgiveness of sins and how it doesn't take into the equation the wounded child. 

    When we don't see the child's needs, we are never going to fix if you will the plight of what most call the mentally ill.  What I know to be true, the only real mental are the ones who are not in reality. 

    Most of society live one or two or even three steps away from reality…and they call those of us who refuse to abide outside of reality Mental.

    I see the mental as living in the space outside of reality.  Believing that the forgiveness of sins can literally change the reality of what happened in childhood.

    And what society has labeled as mental…are those who can't live in the pretend world, but are locked into reality.  

    Our failure to fit back into a pretend space has us labeled as mental….when in fact we should come up with a new term, Reality Dwellers; those refusing to not see what isn't there.

    Byron Katie is a lover of reality…perhaps the "mental" folks are just that….Lovers of Reality. 

    And, their refusal to pretend has them labeled as mental.  If you could just picture the insanity of this concept, you would find that the majority of folks are truly mental and those who have carried the label as "Mentally Challenged" are not. 

    What they are being chastised for is their inability to pretend reality different.

    I have experienced this phenomena…when I failed to flip my father back to dad after knowing he was a pedophile.  My refusal to see him any other way gave me my label, "I am Mental".

     

    IMG_0472

    This is the quilt that came forth after being with my estranged family….as they seen me, "not even humane" for standing by my truth.

  • Comfortable being you!

    In the past few days, from a variety of people and experiences, I have witnessed the word "Worry" in action.  I had to see what the true meaning of the word is.

    "Worry"

    - give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles….

    -(of a dog or other carnivorous animal) tear at, gnaw on, or drag around with the teeth.

    -a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems.

    What I didn't know was that it was to be with one's anxiety, but I somehow felt that worry was constructive in that it showed feelings about the other person; like the more you worried, the more you cared.  

    I lost my worry skills…once I began to truly understand the power of the Universe AND the Free Will of others, and just how much of what I worried about wasn't within my power to change.  My anxiety used to be that I believed I was in control and it was up to me to change…life. Reality. Things I didn't like, or want to experience.  I worried.

    What I didn't know is that swam in anxiety…believing I was caring.

    I have come to learn, as Byron Katie says, "It is not my time to suffer"…and it is not helpful to bring anxiety to a stressful situation, but positive constructive attention.  

    I don't know what is coming.

    Who I will watch suffer or how much I will suffer….but it is my intention to not give way to anxiety, but to seek ways in which to learn how to manage myself in different situations and remain present AND accepting to what is.

    I believe, that the greatest source of anxiety is wanting things to be different.

    In doing my latest quilt, I was feeling that I wanted a lady to be relaxed and comfortable in love.

    When she wouldn't do this, I then realized that real love is to be standing strong and doing things that are not comfortable.  To grow as a person and in relationships you will be asked to do many things that are not comfortable.

    Even to stand up for your feelings, your goals and dreams, to stand in integrity, you will not be comfortable, for many will try and knock you off the stand of you.

    What I have been learning these last many years is that being unique, speaking your truth and standing up for the love of self, is one of the most uncomfortable things to do….especially if you have been living an inauthentic life.  If you have been saying and doing things that are not the truth for you.  

    My worries have literally fallen to zero…the more authentic I have been living and the more I realized that we are all individuals on our own human journey with the Free Will of the Universe…that each of us have our own worlds to live in.

    When I gave myself the freedom to be me…I gave the others to the freedom to be them.

    I can't want someone to be healthier than they want to be. I can't step in front of the Universe and change reality.  I can only manage my world in this present moment doing my authentic truths.

    Worry isn't love….it is anxiety.

    Love is uncomfortable until you are comfortable being you.

    IMG_1116

  • Behind the Art.

    "It may still be decades or even centuries before humankind stops regarding the knowledge stored up in the unconscious as immaterial, as pathological fantasies of the insane or of eccentric poets, and comes to see it for what it really is: a perception of reality, stemming from the period of early childhood, which had to be relegated to the unconscious, where it becomes an inexhaustible source of artistic creativity of the imagination per se, of fairy tales and dreams…"  Alice Miller

    Many see me as writing pathological fantasies of the insane…when I am honoring the unconsciousness within me.  And my quilts are created from there as well.

     

    IMG_1119

    "The term "fairy tale" refers to something that isn't true.  On the other hand, it is generally acknowledged that fairy tales convey deep insights into life, that they communicate truth in the form of vivd parables. A similar ambivalance can be observed in our attitude towards dreams. We often reassure ourselves with remarks like "It was only a dream" or even "Dreams don't mean anything": yet anyone who works with the unconscious knows what an amazing amount of information dreams can provide about a person's life. This ambivalence is a reflection of our attitude toward truth per se: we want to know it and at the same time we don't because it hurts, can frighten us, places excessive demands on us, and robs us of the security of our cherished illusions."  Alice Miller

    IMG_1115

    I threaten the cherished illusions…

    IMG_1114

    For the art of truth is behind the art!