I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

Allow me to see mine.

More of Alice Miller…

"Many professionals respond to the new information available about child abuse with insensitivity and indifference, which I assume are primarily a reflection of their loyalty to theory and not of their own heartlessness. This reaction is a particularly clear indication of the dangers of the theory in question. These dangers stem from the simple fact that psychoanalysts are forced back into the framework of "poisonous pedagogy," from which they had hoped to free themselves with the help of their psychoanalytic training, and that they force their patients back with them. For when Freudian theory prescribes that patients' reports about their childhood are to be regarded as fantasies originating in drive conflicts and not in real experiences, the analyst continues to be insensitive to childhood suffering. This has the following consequences."

1. Analysts will have to make light of their own childhood suffering and will be unable to help the patient become sensitive to his or her suffering but will, on the contrary, minimize it the same way they did their own case and the same way all well-raised children do. Then the emotional grounds for minimizing it can be legitimized and shrouded in mystery in conjunction with the drive theory.

2. When patients make uncertain and anxious attempts to portray the atmosphere of humiliation, mistreatment, or psychological rape they were once subjected to, their perceptions will be interpreted as drive fantasies or projections of their own desires. This will make patients (a) stop expressing their grievances; (b) feel ashamed for having them; (c) dwell on guilt feelings; and (d) repress their traumatization again, this time more deeply than before. Such a process will add greatly to their self-alienation. Autonomy cannot develop, and as a result, patients will often respond obediently to the analyst's pedagogic efforts without even noticing them. With this method of psychoanalysis, the patients' own truth will be buried, which can, to be sure, temporarily reinforce their resistance to their traumas, usually by means of intellectualizing; yet in the long run this approach will increase the likelihood of the incidence of new depression.

3. If patients are not given the opportunity to air their grievances against their parents and educators – which is more often the case than not – then of course they don't have to be talked out of their "negative attitudes" at all; the analyst can simply build upon their "good upbringing" and teach them very quickly how they "can learn to understand their parents better and forgive them." The religious notion that a "gesture of forgiveness" will make you a better person has also found its way into psychoanalytic treatment. As if this gesture could do away with something slumbering deep within a person since childhood that can be articulated only in neurosis. Who know this better than psychoanalysts, had they not reached an agreement that the true nature of childhood should not be the subject of their investigations?

"The drive theory, then, entails denial of reality, insensitivity to childhood suffering, refusal to give credence to the patient's grievances – which ultimately means refusal to take him or her seriously – and, above all, misunderstanding and denial of the roots of neurosis. As I have already emphasized more than once, it is my belief that these roots lie in the enforced repression not of the child's so-called instinctual drives but of his or her awareness of having been traumatized and in the prohibition against articulating this, which was internalized at a very early age. Freudian drive theory reinforces this prohibition to the fullest because it is still caught in the system of assigning blame and thinks the parents must be protected from their children's recriminations. Since guilt must be assigned in this system, it is the child's drives and , just as in "poisonous pedagogy", ultimately the child himself who is found guilty. Presumably, his aggressions and the sexual desires he blames his parents for not fulfilling are what often make his parents (by projection) "appear" cruel to him. Thus, cruelty on the part of parents is always interpreted as the product of the child's drive fantasies, generated by the child's own cruelty. For this cruelty is always real and present for the psychoanalyst (as it is for the pedagogue/educator). Significantly, in classical psychoanalytic literature I have never encountered the question of what actually becomes of the children's cruelty later when they grow up and have children of their own. As if, when children attain the power accompanying adulthood, such questions would automatically disappear… "

She goes on to write about the consequences of when we go to seek help from those who have not addressed their own childhood with clarity…and rely upon theories that are not useful to children of abuse.

"We might not begrudge them the peace of mind their theories provide if it were not disquieting to think that they are the ones so many people turn to in their attempt to be rescued from neurosis, people who were narcissistically and often sexually mistreated, violated, and abused as children and who need help in interpreting the information revealed in their symptoms and in regaining their original vitality. Tragically, they cannot receive the help they need from the drive theory; the most they can achieve is to reinforce their defense mechanisms against what they know to be the truth and make their adaptation to society more rigid, thereby cutting themselves off from access to their own self. This self is like a prisoner in a cell: no one believes in his innocence, and as a result, rather than remain alone and isolated with the truth, he too finally loses all knowledge of it.(cf. The Drama of the Gifted Child, pp. 10-14). Only by sacrificing his true self does he reestablish ties to other people."

"The advice regularly given in the old pedagogical manuals was to "break" the child's will at as early an age as possible, to combat his "obstinacy," and always to impart to him the feeling that he is guilty and bad; they stressed that one should never allow the impression to arise that an adult might be wrong or make a mistake, should never give the child an opportunity to discover adult limitations, but that the adult should, on the contrary, conceal his or her weaknesses from the child and pretend to divine authority. Later, if this child becomes a patient, it might be that during analysis he will realize for the first time that something essential is being "taken away" from him, i.e., his own way of expressing himself, and that his analyst is treating him just as his parents did earlier when he was still too little to be conscious of it. This is a form of psychological castration, which unfortunately may be repeated in analysis if the analyst assumes a didactic attitude. Even if he does not, it is still possible for the patient to experience him as the "castrating father" if he indeed had that kind of father. Only by granting the patient the right to do this and not regarding his fears as paranoid delusions but as a long overdue breakthrough of repressed perceptions can the analyst avoid taking the parent's castrating attitude and instead enable the patient to make "new discoveries." Alice Miller.

I am not certain you can fully appreciate and bring in, the consequences we face in seeking help for our childhood mistreatment….when the therapy world is so backwards and hell-bent on theories that support the parent and discount the child's childhood as its root cause in our dysfunctional life. Not to mention the therapist themselves and their viewpoint upon their own childhood and HOW that alone will aid or prohibit us from finding our way back to our vital self.

What Alice Miller shows me is the expansive view of where our troubles began and why and also how it is near impossible to find our way back to vitality IF the therapists are unable to reconcile their own lives with truth.

It is like seeking the key to the cage from those in the cage with us. Blind leading the blind, but with some who have more intellectual theories that are actually stopping us from finding the key.

A very tricky landscape for sure.

She confirms my suspicions in how someone could lead you out, if they themselves have not begun this journey. I recognize and appreciate the book learned, but Alice also knows what I suspected…that the wrong leader/facilitator could lead you further away from your self.

It appears it all boils down to the truth.

If you can see yours, you will allow me to see mine.

February 2, 2014
Who is now a parent.

Alice Miller writes in "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware"…

"The consequences of sexual abuse however, are not restricted to problems in one's sexual life; they impair the development of the self and of an automous personality. There are several reasons why this is so:"

1. To have one's helplessness and total dependency taken advantage of by the person one loves, by one's mother or father, at a very early age soon produces an interlinking of love and hate.

2. Because anger toward the loved person cannot be expressed for the fear of losing that person and therefore cannot be lived out, ambivalence, the interlinking of love and hate, remains an important characteristic of later object relationships. Many people, for instance, cannot even imagine that love is possible at all without suffering and sacrifice, without fear of being abused, without being hurt and humiliated.

3. Since the fact of abuse must be repressed for the sake of survival, all knowledge that would threaten to undo this repression must be warded off by every possible means, which ultimately results in an impoverishment of the personality and loss of vital roots, manifested, for example, in depression.

4.The consequences of a trauma are not eliminated by repressing it but are actually reinforced. The inability to remember the trauma, to articulate it (i.e. to be able to communicate these earlier feelings to a supportive person who believes you), creates the need to articulate it in the repetition compulsion.

5. The unremembered plight of being at someone else's mercy and being abused by a loved object is perpetuated either in a passive or an active role, or alternately in each.

6. One of the simplest and completely unnoticed forms of perpetuation of the active role is abuse of one's children for one's own needs, which are all the more urgent and uncontrollable the more deeply repressed the original trauma.

"I can imagine that this last point will bewilder many readers, who will angrily ask: Is the affection I show my child wrong, too? is the love I have for my child also to be forbidden me? Of course this is not what I mean. Physical attraction and affection are always part of love, and this has nothing to do with abuse. But parents who have had to repress the fact of having been abused and who have never consciously relived it can become very confused in this regard.they will either suppress their genuine feelings of affection for fear of seducing their child or they will unconsciously do the same with the child that was done to them, without having any idea of how much harm they are causing, since they themselves always had to distance themselves from their suffering. How can these parents be helped? There is probably no possibility of curing their compulsion to repeat without extensive therapy. It is indeed difficult for people who as children were the property of their parents to realize when they are treating their own children like their property. Nevertheless, I see some hope if people becomes sensitive to the question, if they become conscious of these connections. This assumes that a person can at least admit that his or her parents were not gods or angels but often deprived and emotionally very isolated people for whom their child was the sole permissible object for the discharge of the affect; these parents moreover, found justification for their behavior in various ideologies, including pedagogy and, not least of all even psychoanalysis with it's theory of "infantile sexuality." Alice

This explains, at least to me, the way abuse goes from one generation unto the next and how it is spread and why and then, what it will take for it to stop.

This book has history of how we as a species have evolved…and until we see the child as innocent and not our property…we are going to NoT see how abuse is spread.

We will continue to teach good touch bad touch…while the parental role will go unnoticed…

I find this chillingly tragically spot on…it is exactly as I know it to be true.

The parents are the grown child who has repressed his sexual abuse…the cycle goes on until you can see what you have repressed.

The battle I feel I am fighting is for the plight of the innocent child…and what stands against me is the repressed victim who is now a parent.

(The blueprint of sexual abuse within a family!)

February 1, 2014
Parents are unloving.

When I have been contemplating and writing about everyday heroes, it came to me the twist between domestic violence campaign and how we view incest. In the first we are raising awareness campaigns and urging them to leave the abusers. And, in the second, children/adult children are made to feel heartless for leaving a family and even urged unwittingly to remain in the relationship.

Why is it that we see a woman who escapes her abuser as being in a better place away from the abuse.

And when a child leaves their family it isn't seen as kind or even beneficial to them.

If divorcing a family was a socially acceptable option for being abused as a child, we would have much less stigma.

Just as Freud found in the late 1800's, that when mistreatment of children caused hysteria in later years, he knew that the biggest obstacle he was up against wasn't the fact that his findings would not be accepted, but rather that the population wasn't willing to see the parents as responsible for a negative influence.

What I have been banging my head against is the false positive read most have on parents. Period.

It doesn't matter the trauma they inflict, they remain in the light of love and honor; most refusing to lower them from their lofty stand.

Animals in nature, who turn against their offspring are seen as an anomaly.

Parents who strike out, are verbally abuse, as well as engage in sexual activities with their offspring are not granted this same title.

And, those who see clearly this unnatural behavior are then labeled as the anomaly…and I guess we are. A small percentage of the population can even see the wrongness of sexual abuse WHEN it occurs In THEIR family.

Which makes denial among family abnormally normal…and those of us who can see the anomaly…not normal…among those whose normal is abnormal.

Divorce is normal for those who have been victimized within a relationship of marriage…where the abuser fails change; the relationship must.

Estrangement will someday be a normal extension of healing from childhood abuse…

It is not the disbelief of our sexual abuse, but rather the disbelief that parents are unloving.

January 30, 2014
When unaware…

Here is another section that I found interesting….from "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware" by Alice Miller.

"In "The Aetiology of Hysteria" Freud is struggling with this resistance on the part of the public. He knows that he has hit upon a truth that concerns everyone, i.e., the consequences of childhood trauma for later life (which is not to be equated with causal determinism), and at the same time he knows that the overwhelming majority of people will oppose him precisely because he is telling the truth."

" The content of Freud's discoveries can be so widely denied because most people ignore their unconscious, all the more so if they are dominated by it in some fateful way. After all, we all have a per-feet right to consider our dreams insignificant and to dey the existence of our unconscious. This gives rise to the paradoxical situation in which the newspaper readers described above can react to even the most bizarre human behavior without amazement and are willing to accept the most absurd reasans given for this behavior without any sign of emotion as long as they personally are left out of the picture. Yet they will react with anger, scorn if someone points out the unconscious motives for the incomprehensible behavior, for if they took these explanations seriously, the complicated defense mechanisms so essential to them would be threatened." Alice.

The truth being so widely denied comes from the unconsciousness that people ignore. And, it is the unconscious of the unconscious that is threatened.

I know this is confusing, but it is equally frustrating to be faced with. That it isn't my truth that is hard to face, but your unconsciousness you are not aware of and at the same time IT is from where you are making your choices in life.

It is not about what I am saying so much as what you are defending.

Which boils down to you are defending that which is unconscious to you.

And, it has nothing to do with me and my truths, so much as it has to do with what you are unaware of, but are defending.

As long as I didn't come near your personal unconsciousness I can be heard…and understood, but if I am hitting too close to home, I will be shut out and disbelieved.

This is true in my experience. The truth of what I have to say isn't what pushes people back, but their fear to see that which is unconsious to them…the unknown known that is reflected in their lives.

What I have come to see is that even if you can't know…and are unconscious of, your life is reflective of this unconsciousness. For it is the unconscious that is living you life.

It can't be any plainer for you are living the unconsciousness…while unaware of the why.

When you find the why, you can start living consciously.

Again, in my experience it was plainly clear that I didn't know what I didn't know…otherwise, I would have been making clearer decisions.

I would not have been with my abusers, had I known.

And, once you know, you can't not know.

I am not popular in my speaking, not for what I am saying; but rather for where the others are in their level of consciousness.

It isn't so much about the truth…but what lies unconscious with in you.

It is my passion and my desire to find all morsels of unconsciousness for I know the damage they can cause, when unaware.

January 28, 2014
The Baseline for how we live.

In Alice Miller's book, "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware" she writes about groups and our need to belong.

"How can it be explained psychologically that the same person who exhibits so much acumen and critical judgment concerning his enemies at the same time retains a touching, childlike loyalty and submissiveness vis-a-vis the dictates of his own group? Anyone who knows what it means to belong to a group knows how critical this membership can sometimes seem. Even a brief contact with a group can give one of feeling of maternal warmth, of a good symbiosis with the mother, never experienced before, which makes on feel secure yet at the same time free and comfortable to express oneself satisfactorily. This is how it actually would have been had there been a good symbiosis with the mother. But since a group is only a substitute, the search for what is missing can never stop. In order for this to happen, a process of mourning would have to take place. Every form of addiction, instead of doing away with the old longing, simply perpetuates the tragedy by repeating it. A glass of whiskey or a cigarette that can be held in the hand, set aside when not needed, and immediately reached for when needed, establishes the comfortable feeling that an available mother can give. Since the real mother was not available, however (or the child would not have become addicted as an adult), the child was not permitted to experience either a good symbiosis or a liberating separation and remains dependent for the rest of his life on the image of an ideal mother he wishes for but never had. the addictive substance thus provides not only a feeling of comfort but also the torments of dependency."

"When a group takes over this ersatz role, although it gives the illusion of being an ideal mother, it mercilessly requires the same adaptation to its demands that the real mother once did. Since the origins of this situation reach back to the early beginnings of life, a person will have a hard time recognizing his predicament."
Alice

What Alice Miller does in her writings, are to show the whys of our behaviors and that we don't just do things without a cause. We are literally seeking that which we missed and are often blind to what is missing…while seeking it.

Like craving something, not knowing what it is, but finding its substitute and believing you found it.

Her depiction of what happens when a mother and child relationship is incorrect and what it means in the choices we make, is remarkable. It is the baseline for how we live.

January 27, 2014
I had denied Me.

In a comment on the Extoots blog post about Labels and the ensuing discussion about being judged by them, a comment struck me. "If it isn't being said, then it doesn't exist."

This technique is literally the blueprint of denial; and the co-operation it takes to keep it in motion.

Denial isn't played alone, you need two people to not say what is happening. Two people to not address and delve deeply into what is not being said, but what you both know is present…

Two, who know something isn't right, but neither wants to know know know it exists.

And unspoken agreement to not know.

In our family arrangement of denial, you can't have one spouting off what isn't talked about and continue in the usual relationships.

The ones who don't want to say it exists and then have to consider the consequences that it would require; back up and talk less and less to you. It isn't about you, but about what they don't want to know exists.

I lived in this land for 46 years, where it was almost near impossible to say what wasn't being said…to the point considering talking about it, never was an option.

And, I am not talking about abuse, but just things you know about another, but never bring up. Or the way you feel about another, but not say. Instead you agree to not talk about the differences, in order to get along.

The church also uses this same co-operative denial, in the application of forgiveness of sins. Where we are not to bring up the sin…so if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.

Now, if this is how we were raised in general, then it makes it rougher to talk about the abuse; to break the silence…to no longer co-operate in denial.

My family doesn't know how to talk to me…for I don't play their game of silence.

However, they talk about the unspoken, but just not to the person they have the trouble with. Or at least this is how it used to be when I was part of the family. You don't tell the truth to the one you are with; but about the one who isn't there.

How often do you hear, "I would never tell it to their face…"?

I know there are more agreed denial relationships than ones who leave nothing left unsaid.

I had a tough time, leaving denial. I had to work hard to say what needed to be said and to feel the fear and say it anyway. To speak of the unspeakable and live from there, and not placate myself and others by not being uncomfortable.

I had tons of uncomfortable unsaid things; for I had a built a life upon what wasn't said. And, in the end, we all know how that turned out.

It was what wasn't said that was the truth.

My fear of my father…unsaid.

My questioning the religion…unsaid.

My absence of warm feelings towards my mother…unsaid.

If you look at who I was compared to what I said. I lived as the unsaid me, which was false. The real me, that I left unsaid, was too afraid of what wasn't spoken…

And, rightly so.

When I started to speak from the 'unsaid' side, I was speaking my truth and I started to exist along side of it.

How interesting is that.

In the land of unspoken, the real me ceased to exist as well.

What frightened me the most, was that I knew my first 46 years were built upon nothing…and I had no idea of who I really was.

I had denied Me.

Quilt owned by Northern Lights Clubhouse.

January 26, 2014
Discarding the lives of children

The only way abuse wins, is if we accept the disgrace.

The stigma of being sexually abused comes from the way others look at you….and can only be overcome when you look at yourself differently. Changing their minds will not help with how you feel. And is an impossible task.

It is, as the wise men say, an inside job. Love, peace and joy come from within. It isn't about how others see you, but how you see you.

I don't see myself as a disgrace.

I do see though, how the stigma of abuse is created and upheld, and it isn't by strangers or folks who don't know. Just as abuse is most often with family members or people we know, so is our stigma.

One man's disgrace is another's man's hero.

Interestingly, I have felt both.

Accolades for speaking out and sharing my journey…and disgrace.

You would think, that my family, would be the one handing out the accolades…that my biggest cheerleaders would be from those who knew me best. Instead, it is the opposite.

The environment within dysfuctional families leave little room for healing…okay, no room.

I knew there wasn't a spot I could stand upon where they would see my innocence…the lens upon me always had me being the problem.

The only way back in, is to give up my innocence and give it to my parents.

The cost in doing so would be my sanity.

I see this phenomena of holding the parents in the highest regards as the biggest obstacle in eliminating or reducing the stigma of abuse.

When will we begin to see the numbers of abusers, that they equal or surpass the number of the abused, for each of us or most have two parents in the mix. The stigma will be carried by the children until we turn our gaze upward towards those who started this…and those who knew and did nothing. Reported nothing…

In my family home, a father abused. A mother knew and was unable to respond in a healthy way. Uncles were abusive. Neighbors were abusive. And, the children were taught, "not to go to that house" and yet the abuse flourished.

Never were the adults in these homes held accountable.

Never did they wear the cloak of disgrace for allowing or being abusive.

They continue to wear "Good Christian" or at least Christian….labels.

Parents are taken care of, included, believed, loved…understood, defended…no matter what. And, who is looking at the abused child? Who is caring for their wounds? Who is turning away from the parents…the adults who are acting disgraceful?

We all participate in helping the stigma, each time we defend or stand with excuses ready for the abusers. Each time you turn your gaze away from the child you are part of the problem. You are sentencing a child into disgrace.

We are the problem.

Stigma is created by those looking on. Not by those who have been abused.

We don't manufacture disgrace…we are subjected to it.

It is as Alice Miller writes about…the biggest problem when we are taught that good children "Love and Honor thy parents…" Without first seeing if they are deserving.

This blanket of love and honor they sleep under no matter what, is the wall that keep innocent children out.

Where is the innocent blanket for the child? When do they get that….? Oh, I know, when you become a parent, all your sins and abusive behavior will be hidden behind this veil.

The church, society and we all….believe in the sanctity of parents…while discarding the lives of children.

January 24, 2014
You are not Innocent.

I sat with the word disgrace yesterday…and wondered if I had that definition correct in my mind…since stigma is a mark of disgrace. What was this disgrace I brought to the family?

I needed to know how I had marked this family.

"Disgrace"

"loss of reputation or respect, esp. as the result of a dishonorable action…- bring shame or discredit on (someone or something).

What is so compelling to me is that I know the upside downness to it all and yet I have felt what it feels like to be treated as the disgraced person…to be treated like I literally have disgraced our family.

Yet how?

How is it that I get the treatment and stigma that was my father's and mother's?

How do they get to keep their reputations, respect and honor and I lose mine?

How am I the one who has shamed and discredited my family?

While it has to be confounding to them, it is equally perplexing to me to see how the tables are turned and the victims carry this stigma in abuse.

Carry the black mark of disgrace.

How is it that we as a society have allowed this to go on?

If I had not experienced this myself, If I had not lived the past 9 years as being the subject of stigma…I would not have believed this phenomena.

My sadness yesterday was of helplessness and hopelessness, that there was nothing I could do to remove my ill gotten disgrace.

I cannot get rid of it myself.

I am colored black and there is nothing I can do to change it.

I cannot remove the smear that has been placed upon me…

As they sit and ponder why I am not eager to attend their parties, go to the sister's weekend, etc, it is that I come in as Disgrace.

Before I even arrive my ill gotten reputation proceeds me.

I come in soiled and with a dishonorable discharge…and feel their lack of respect for who I am.

Me.

Not my father.

Me.

For the past 9 years I have served my father's sentence…

A was convicted and tried in the family court.

I was given a life sentence without a chance of parole.

What I know beyond a reasonable doubt, is that there are millions of innocent children/adult children who are wrongly convicted and serving (life)sentences that are not theirs to serve.

That families place upon victims the stigma and disgrace that belongs to the perpetrators…that the parents get to retain their honorable status, their 'fine' reputations and live in grace within the family unit…while the victim is cast out and colored black.

By 'removing' the wounded abused one, somehow it is percieved as restoring the family's honor and reputation.

Getting rid of the 'black' marks…keeps it clean.

I know that I can't, in one blog post, articulate this phenomena and how our families and communities are hurt by this distortion…how the hurt are cast out and those who hurt are kept within, and what that insanity creates…

As a victim…as I member of a family who has experienced this…I can see how abuse thrives, how dysfunction flourishes…for you all keep the bad and cast away the good.

Good being the truth, wellness, reality, authenticity, respect, honor….etc.

Instead families of dysfunction keep the lies…as the ties that bind.

They will honor thy mother and thy father, no matter what…and cast out any one who tries to mark them them up.

I will live as disgrace so they can have loving parents.

I will live as disgrace in order for them to have a blessed family.

I will live as disgrace in their minds.

This is the only way my past 9 years makes sense…for I have lived the life of the disgraced…in order for the loving family to remain intact. I have been sacrificed and forced to live out his life sentence…without them giving me a second glance.

This is the stigma of sexual abuse…how victims are locked up in prisons of disgrace.

Some body has to pay the price for abuse and if we don't make the perpetrators pay, if we don't hold them accountable, it falls upon the victims.

I have felt the weight of this life sentence handed to me by my family…I feel disgraced.

I stand wrongly convicted.

And, the most saddest thing, especially when the abuse happened within the family is then the second blow, to be disgraced when you break your silence.

You stand alone, with your dirty underwear…cast out…they voted and you are not innocent.

Nature has been one of my greatest healing places…

January 23, 2014
Possible for All!

My Lady and I had a wonderful day yesterday…beginning with exchanging some of my quilts at Copper Country Mental Health. Yes, my quilts are still there…My Story Line and others, that are just for fun!

Each time I enter Copper Country Mental Health, I feel the kindness from those who work there…and their appreciation for my lady and I. How my whole self is accepted there, not just my lighter parts, but the darkness as well.

It is nice for my Art to be out and about and not rolled up in the basement!

I then went to deliver some of my calendars and met with a woman who wants us to work on getting the word out about domestic violence and in exposing where help is. I know that most are not aware of the helping resources and often we want to hide these place due to the confidentiality of their clients, and in doing so, we often hide the very places for those in need, who don't know they are there. Our goal is to open up this healing avenue and lessen the stigma of seeking help. I will glady use My Lady as Art for this project, to have her be the signpost for being courageous and getting help…getting out and restoring your sense of self.

I was invited to the Women's Group at the Clubhouse. Another well kept secret…at least for me. They have been operating in plain view for nearly 20 years in Hancock. A truly wonderful concept.

Their flyer states…

A right place to come.

A right to meaningful relationships.

A right to meaningful work.

A right place to return to.

"A Clubhouse is first and foremost a community of people. Much more than simply a program, or a social service, a Clubhouse is a community of people who are working together toward a common goal, recovery from mental illness."

"A Clubhouse is a community intentionally organized to support individuals living with the effects of mental illness. Through participation in a Clubhouse people are given the opportunities to rejoin the worlds of friendships, family, meaningful work, employment, education, and to access the service and supports they may individually need. A Clubhouse is a restorative environment for people who have had their lives drastically disrupted, and need the support of others who believe that recovery from mental illness is possible for all."

In spending only one afternoon there, I was amazed to feel the efforts or presence and value of each person there. Where you don't right away know who is overseeing the place and who is working towards their goal of recovery. I felt the equality of worthiness and helpfulness in each, and how a task was accomplish that day…that hour etc…a reason to be there. Driven by choices and the desire to be there and by how much your services are needed. I could felt its community and whole.

I donated this Meditation quilt… They have a meditation practice which I feel is so helpful.

I was sincerely impressed by the application of Clubhouse and its members! What an awe inspiring program.

At the end of the day, I was left with the feelings and the juxtaposition in how we can be more open and transparent of each of the services and yet confidential or attentive to the rights of the individuals.

I understand the need for confidentiality, but if it comes at the cost of being so secretive it is shameful in its tone, I am not sure it is helpful. We all seek help for our physical bodies and seeking help for our mental wellness has such a negative stigma. When it is the strongest among us who recognize their weakness….how can we showcase these individuals and stories as the heros they are…without breaking the confidentiality?

I know, that I am proud of my recovery…and have no shame about my abuse…it would be my desire to make this possible for all.

(Thanks to the staff and members of The Clubhouse and Copper Country Mental Health for your dedication for recovery and assistance in our mental health needs!)

January 21, 2014
Wrought with abuse…

Another section of "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware" by Alice Miller.

"This is why I keep trying to explain my position with the aid of various images and concepts. I always regard myself as the advocate for the child in my patients; whatever they tell me, I take their side completely and identify fully with the child in them, who usually is not yet available to experience his feelings and delegates them to me. It is rare for patients to reproach their parents, since their illness is a result of not being allowed to do this as a child."

If we could just understand this one sentence that our illness or confused minds ARE the result of the treatment in childhood, we would all begin to appreciate what happened and by whom, and then work to right our worlds; by placing the responsibility where it lies.

She goes on…

"If they do reproach them in the early stages on analysis, they soon give this up, torment themselves with guilt feelings, and attempt to defend their parents. If aggression can be experienced at all, it takes adult forms (scorn, irony, intellectual criticism), which originate at a much later date, for the rage felt by a very young child (an ambivalent, impotent rage) can never be experienced initially. It is no different for adolescents who display defiant or even destructive behavior. In the beginning stages of analysis, the feelings stemming from early childhood are always unconscious."

"If we keep this in mind we will understand how crucial it is for the analyst not to be judgemental, not to appeal to the patient's reason, not to strive for objectivity, but simply to let himself be guided by the child, who is not yet able to speak. Neither should it be the analyst's goal to bring about the patients reconciliation with his parents. If the analyst has seen for himself that his rage did not kill his parents, he will no longer feel compelled to protect the patient's parent from rage by working toward reconciliation. In most cases the analyst is the first person in the patient's life whom the latter can confide in, and it is important that this person not abuse the trust placed in him, not admonish or blame, not be shocked, but be willing to explore unfamiliar territory of the patient's life along with him. For the patient, too, will become acquainted with his own life for the first time." Alice Miller

What we all fail to appreciate, and take and hold, is the role of therapist in the lives of the abuse and how critical it is that they NOT defend the parent in anyway. And, how their own lives will be crucial in how the therapy session goes. And, like Alice, always be an advocate for the child.

If anyone breathed a word of defense I knew they were standing away from the child within.

Also, I intuitively knew, that any word of reconciliation was about protecting the parents feelings and not mine.

This simple and yet profound distinction has the gravity of how the 'treatement' will go.

We look towards therapists to sort out our confusion; our childhood wounds. And, if they are not the advocate to the frightened child within, they push him further back instead of letting him come forth.

My greatest challenge has been to remain on the side of the child, for most instinctively or out of fear…stand resolutely by the parent. It is a societal phenomena to "Honor thy mother and thy father…"

The child that remains unseen and unheard is the one who goes out and inflicts his unexpressed pain on the world. Hurt people, hurt people.

A child that is allowed to come forth and be heard and seen…is free from the silent dark hell that is the life of a child whose childhood is wrought with abuse.

January 20, 2014