I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • The old you.

    Step Ten – Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families

    "Continued to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admitted it."

    "Step Ten is where we continue to inventory our behavior and thinking. With this Step we continue to let go of control and expose our denial aobut the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional home.  We learn to take a balanced view of our behavior, avoiding the tendency to take too much responsibility for the actions of others.  At the same time, we also curb our tendency to blame others when we are obviously wrong, yet are too afraid or ashamed to admit it. There is no need for long analyses of our behavior. We know that we come from wounded childhoods and we are addressing that in the Steps."

    "Step Ten is where we can continue to integrate any left over character defects or survival skills into our emerging identity. As we learned in Step Seven, there will be residual defects and survival traits that won't recede easily. This does not mean we have failed in previous Steps.  Step Ten is where we can acknowledge and embrace these lingering but less useful traits. We use humility and consistent effort to integrate these aspects of our personality."

    "Some adult children describe integration as walking into a dark room, closing the door, and talking to each lingering trait. We visualize such traits as people-pleasing, addictive thinking, confusing love with pity, and judging ourselves harshly. In the darkness, we speak to these traits. We thank them and others for their protection in our lives. We ask them to retire or step back. Some we bid farewell, and some we integrate. We make peace with those parts of ourselves that kept us alive as kids but which no longer serve a useful purpose. This exercise is called walking into the darkness to find the light.  Coming out of the dark room, we stand in the light, knowing we have faced our most disturbing traits again and survived. Facing our "shadow" helps us live in the moment and feel hopeful about the future." 

    Step Ten Spiritual Principles:  Honesty and Discernment

    It is wildly fascinating and horrifying to see your survival self and her needs and the way she operated in life in order to feel safe or loved or in control.  

    I had just a quick glance at her the other day.  This shadow self makes an apperance when I am tired, wanting to control or when I don't make a choice based on what I feel.

    In the aftermath, or during the life situation, I see things through her old eyes; very self absorbed.

    It is when I practice self-love and honesty before an event; that I can keep her away.

    What she sounds like is that the world is there to make her happy and how dare they not know this.  How dare they say no or not react now. I forget to remember that they are people too…within their own worlds, with their needs, wants and desires.

    A visual of my old self seeing a situation compared to reality is very hateful, anger rises and resentment fills my veins. My need to control and manipulate is righteous.

    When I refuse to act…she sulks.

    When I give myself space to think and see what is really going on, that it isn't an act of pure apathy or neglect (echoes from an abusive childhood), but rather integrity speaking…even if it isn't matching my needs.  I see through eyes of understanding.

    What I am finding out is I bring anger…when I am self absorbed.

    I bring understanding when I am not in fear.

    It is surreal how quickly my old self wants to rise to my defense and how quickly it changes my viewpoints on those I love…and how negatively it feels inside.

    It is like a cloud descends upon my world…inside and outside.

    I don't know how I survived living this way for 46 years….and the difference between the two are so dramatic inside.

    The warm soft feelings are shoved aside for rigid, sharp, silent, resentful, anger…a defensive wall that blocks out everything, but my pinpoint need IN that moment of time.

    It can eclipse not only reality, but all those who live in there with me.

    This has to be the content of self-absorption.

    People say, "who in their right mind could do such a thing" and I am here to tell you, they are acting from this spot I just had a glimpse of.  Where they get almost tunnel vision…okay, not almost, but tunnel vision; where their need is all they see.

    It is so unreasonable and yet it is so overwhelming, you can't see yourself being so out of sorts.

    For while you have this pinhead view of what you need and your desire to control others to get it, you can't see yourself being so narrow minded.

    My husband has been a great teacher to teach me to release control.

    For he quietly says "no"…and then does nothing when he could be doing what I need him to do. This activates my old self in a heart beat.

    But, in juxtaposition of this nature of doing things in his own time, is a man of patient and kind love.  My mind has a hard time with this.  For the traits of neglect and apathy are nowhere to be found.  I am looking for fuel to ignite my old self and all I get left with is to see me being self absorbed.

    He being love.

    Me being resentful for this one little thing I wanted wasn't done on my timeline….and this equals a "hate"….and the snowball begins to roll.

    In my mind…it wants to destroy who he really is for some imaginary man.

    In my childhood, it was the opposite.  My mind created an imginary kind man/woman  and life…and this mechnism can still function.  I can go from reality to hell in no time at all.  Before I went from Hell to illusion…to survive.

    Now this survival trait would wreck love, peace and joy…and to live in a world that I don't control nor do I want to.

    Sometimes you have to say good bye a few times…to the old you.

     

     

     

     

  • How I serve myself.

    I continue to learn about me.  

    I allow myself to put my self out, and then feel put out…and want to blame someone.

    Anyone but me.

    What I need to learn is not to over 'extend' myself…while 'lessening' other people's loads, I weigh myself down and then act like I have been 'put upon'…when I am the one loading me up. 

    My last example wasn't a huge burden, but enough for a slow boil resentment inside.

    While my mind searched for someone to blame, it didn't come to me, until I was in a conversation with someone who too was selling himself short.

    It is so easy to look at the empty-handed folks with resentment…even when I was the one who orchestrated or emptied their arms.  It amazes me how I want to carry others…without no regard to the cost to myself.  I speak before I ask "how will this make me feel."

    I want to spare the burden of others, while overloading myself…not seeing me cracking under the weight.

    I used to feel like a rescuer, or one to 'save the day' or make the party, or shine in some over achieving way…only to subconsciously expect others to over participate as well.

    Like we all need to give until it hurts.

    What I also noticed it is harder to say no to small things and easier to say no to things of great moral outrage.  But to allow myself to carry just my share seems like I am barely trying…or 'not caring enough'…and even 'not loving enough'.

    I am sure this goes back to the dysfunctional raising, where you are not to look at how certain behavior affects your inner self, but rather act without regard…and make other's happy, no matter what.

    When you put yourself first, as you first make choices…you would be able to shut off the valve of resentment. 

    It is maddening to know that I am the one to be resentful of.

    And, it is very good news.  

    For once again, I have the power to change.

    For when I take on too much, all I serve is resentment…to myself and others.  It isn't serving caring or love.

    Serving me love, will often mean doing less or nothing.

    I will watch more closely how I serve myself.

     

  • Who Programmed it.

    Who knew that the brain is responsible for how we live our lives?  That it isn't what happens to us, or seemingly against us, but rather how our minds process life.

    And how our brains are groomed or structured to respond in certain ways…very set precise ways; eliminating other reasonable options.  And Fear is usually the barbed wire that holds it in place.

    What has become so fascinating to me, is not the human condition of evil, but rather the way most minds cannot see it.  

    I lived for 46 years with a mind of one pathway and did not know of another way.  I wasn't choosing one pathway, I lived in one pathway.  It wasn't like I continued to make the same choice over and over, but rather there was only one choice that my mind recognized.

    I feel that there is a consciousness evolution happening and that those in enough pain will be the first to traverse this road.  

    I was ripe for a breakdown out of denial.  My mind was being worked on unbeknownst to me.  

    My body was showing signs of distress and giving up.

    I was reading the Course of Miracles; which is to change your perception of life.

    Yoga was working on my body, where the mind is manifested.

    And, reality was so bold in front of me, it eclipsed the one 'true' pathway in my mind.

    When it felt like my whole world fell apart, it was actually that my mind had expanded.  I was now able to see and feel things that were kept from me by my mind.

    To be aware of falling out of denial is to die while being born.

    I was able to see the insanity of my mind and how it had eliminated choices for me. 

    This singular pathway now feels like abuse; where there is no choice.

    Where there is no freedom to reason things out.

    An abused mind, is one where there are no options, no way to see above, below and around each problem; but only one singular choice…that leads to the same outcome.

    We see this in the addicted mind.

    In the mind of dysfunctional families.

    Where behaviors are replicated perfectly generation upon generation.

    It isn't behaviors that lead the way, but the trained mind.

    What I feel is beneficial to breaking the patterns of these minds, is what worked on my mind…or against its one pathway. And, that is to open up new pathways…

    This means, Art, yoga, meditation, to name a few. It is to experience the self beyond the mind.

    In Art, if you go out of your mind and create intuitively, you will be strengthening a new part of you to respond to life.  

    In Yoga, it is to bring the Mind back to the Body…which is reality.

    Meditation…I focused on my breathing in yoga.  It was meditative yoga.  And this again puts space between you and your mind.

    The space that will grow new choices.

    I can tell immediately a mind that is without options.  The ones I am most familiar with are religious minds…dysfunctional family minds.  My old, one track mind.

    I think what was worse than finding out my father was a pedophile and that my mother couldn't see that; was my mind.

    How it truly hid reality from me…and in doing so, stole my life.

    I was like the woman who couldn't see herself.

    All I was was a programmed mind.

    It is a miracle to be free of that program.  And it was terrifying to make my own choices; but exhilarating beyond words.

    While we think that the addict loves his drugs or that the perpetrators love to sow evil, it is more about being locked in the program unknowingly.  

    We are programmed as children.

    Most, die as a program.

    But, I believe there is an evolution going on that is recognizing where the real source  of our pain is coming from.  It isn't that we are making bad choices, and we can simply chose again, but rather that our brains have eliminated our choice…period.

    And, I also believe that we are catching on to how to bring our minds into reality…as well as using our other senses.

    To become as Gary Zukav writes "Multi-Sensory" humans.

    For to rely solely on a programmed mind, is to live a life exactly as those who programmed it.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Step Nine.

    Step Nine – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

    "As we stand there with our Eighth Step list, we are astonished by a perspective we never imagined possible. We have finally gotten above it all with clarity. We can see that our parent’s dysfunction was not our fault. On the horizon, we see the preceding generations of our family lined up in single file, stretching back for miles. There must be 100 generations or more. At the front of the line, we see our parents as children with their parents. We recognize our grandparents, but visualizing our parents as vulnerable children is a new experience for us."

    "We notice the generations of our family passing forward a bundle. They move the bundle along by handing it off from one generation to the next. We watch as the bundle moves closer to our grandparents and to our parents. The bundle is heavy and gripped tightly as one generation hands it off to the next. The bundle is held at the stomach level as it is passed forward. We concentrate on the bundle and begin to recognize it. Our eyesight has been improved by our Step work. We can see more clearly. We see our grandparents kneel down to give the bundle to our parents. As our parents receive the bundle as children, we understand what they have taken possession of. It is shame, abandonment, and loss from the ages. We think about what we have seen. We realize we don’t have to take possession of the bundle. It is not ours. We are free. We look behind us, over a shoulder, to a clear horizon. There are no families there yet. We realize we have a chance to interrupt the passing on of family dysfunction."

    This visual is so perfect in seeing how our legacy of abuse was passed on, how the children are given the responsibility to carry on in silence, to take it and hold it OR to let it go.

    In letting it go, I broke with the tradition within my family.  I am the odd one out.

    I know many will try and claim they have admitted the abuse exists, but it isn't enough.  You literally have to act different.  Make changes in stopping the flow of dysfunctional choices.

    The book goes on…

    "Children do not always need all the details about our abuse and neglect. They have lived it and need a demonstration of changed behavior more than psychological or wordy explanations."   

    This is so powerful.  We need to see demonstrations of change, by actions. I will know others by how they act much more than what they say.  

    My actions are clearly visible and felt. They need no commentary.

    The book also talks about hurting others when making amends.

    "In making amends, we avoid bringing harm to another person by disclosing something that might be unnecessary and off the mark."

    "For instance, if we are making amends to an ex-wife, we need not bring up the infidelity we might have had with her sister. To do so serves no purpose in the moment. We need to admit our cheating to our sponsor or counselor and know in our hearts that the behavior was wrong.  We change such behavior in the future and stay out of the lives or our ex-wife and her sister."

    They go on and list lots of behavior that was hurtful to themselves and others.  And, as I look at the lists, I am grateful that I am not on them.  

    However, I am on the list of being silent and complicit. I didn't speak my feelings and I wasn't honest with myself and others in that regard.  I went along to get along.  I was a silent partner in the crimes of dysfunction.

    To make amends…(I have to go and look up the word "Amends"….reparation or compensation.)

    Now, "Reparation" - the making of amends for a wrong one has done, by paying money to or otherwise helping those who have been wronged.

    In the light of what this is calling for us to do, how can I repay my silence?  How can I help those I wronged and who did I wrong?

    I believe that my silence hurt the girls who followed me.  I believe that my silence hurt my own little girl (Inner Child).  I believe that I am making amends each time I speak out, write on this blog, share what I know and have learned about.

    At first glance I thought I would have to make amends to my parents…but I did not wrong them. I did not act out or retaliate.  I complied.  Until I didn't.

    Perhaps some may feel that I now need to make amends for my outspokenness or for putting up boundaries etc.  But my amends, I feel are to those I hurt.

    I hurt so many by being disloyal to my feelings and for keeping silent about my fear of my father.  I hurt many by going along against my feelings.  

    I believe, since it was very hard for me to do, that my change needed to be the opposite of what I had done that harmed others.  Being silent about things I should not have been silent about.

    The Spiritual Principles in Step Nine are "Forgiveness and Courage".  I believe that I have understood this principle and have walked it.  

    I have broken my silent and am no longer complicit.  We are the half of dyfunction that allows perpetrators and those who are doing wrong to continue. We are the silent watchers….those who allow negative behavior to continue, in order to be 'loved'.  We silently carry the bundle…for we know, if we drop it, we will be shuned and distanced.  The bundle we carry is the wrong behavior of others.  It isn't ours to carry.  In doing so, we are pretending all is well and that the evil, which we are holding, doesn't exit in another.  I carried my father's dysfunction. 

     

     

  • In Reverence…

    “You can’t know my world until you are there” 

    Nisargadatta

    IMG_4861 

    This is my latest Lady quilt, the final touch I added today, a cross that bears the words,

    "The Old Me" 

    As I look upon this quilt, I am filled with feelings of gratitude and reverence for the life I lived, the shoes I wore; my journey and am also filled with pure potential of what is yet to be.

    I find such peace with this image, honoring my pathway to be who I am today.

    I thought of this post which was first posted in September 2010….as I read Step Six. 

     

     

     

  • Let Him In

    "Step Three – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God."

    Let Go. Let God.

     "We do not believe our brains are missing any elements. We start with the premise that we are whole and that we had a normal reaction to an abnormal situation of being raised in a dysfunctional home.  Our normal reaction to protect ourselves has created survival traits, compulsions, and self-harming behaviors, which respond to the ACA Steps and spiritual remedies.  We are not minimizing the severity of our situation as adult children. The disease of family dysfunction manifests itself in dependency, addiction, and dissociative personalities. The disease can kill.  Every day, adult children commit suicide, die in addiction, or die one day at a time in silent isolation, thinking they are hopeless.  In ACA, we believe we were born whole and became fragmented in body, mind, and spirit through abandonment and shame. We need help finding a way to return to our miracle state."

     "In addition to a deep sense of shame and abandonment, we believe that most of our emotional and mental distress can be traced to our steadfast nature to control.  In ACA, we realize that control was the survival trait that kept us safe or alive in our dysfunctional homes.  We controlled our thoughts, our voices, and many times our posture to escape detection from an abusive parent or care giver. We knew our parents were looking for imaginary clues to criticize us or verbally attack us. As adults we continue to control ourselves and our relationships in an unhealthy manner.  This brings abandonment or predictable turmoil. We make promises to do better but eventually return to our obsessive need to compulsively arrange, question, worry, dust, wash, lock, unlock, read, or hyper vigilantly survey our thoughts and actions to feel safe. But it is never enough. Experience shows there is little hope and spirituality in homes governed by smothering control."

     "By making a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand God, we are actually making two decisions. By deciding to ask a Higher Power for guidance in Step Three, we are also deciding to back away from control.  We are surrendering our plans to run our own lives on self-will.  We are asking God for help, which strikes at the heart of our instinctual reaction to solve problems on our own."

     "The decision we make in Step Three represents on of our first true choices."

     Further on it is written….

     "While we realize God's love in Step Three, we acknowledge that many adult children have been spiritually abused and struggle with the concept of God in addition to the struggle with control.  The emotional and spiritual damage created by such acts of betrayal are staggering for some.  We urge these ACA members to keep an open mind and to be gentle with themselves as they work the ACA steps to find a God of their understanding. We believe our best hope is seeking a spiritual solution in concert with other recovering adult children."

     "Other forms of spiritual abuse include the adults in our lives appearing righteous in public while hateful and abusive behind closed doors. This is yet another conflicting view of God in which the child is confused and believes this to be the face of God…" ACA

     Third Step Prayer

     God.  I am willing to surrender my fears and to place my will and my life in your care one day at a time. Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can and cannot change. Help me to remember that I can ask for help.  I am not alone. Amen.

     Step Three Spiritual Principles:  Willingness and Accepting Help

    I could quote the whole section…for I understand and agree with what is written, in not only what happened, but how we responded and then how we now have unlearn and let go.

     What strikes at my core is the process of learning to trust a higher power that is over you. When our elders failed us so miserably and how we learned self care and protection in order to survive.  

     To learn or dare to lay down our survival skills and open ourselves up to being hurt AND in handing over our lives once again to someone to control.

     It matters not if it is God or the Universe….it is the act of being vulnerable and trusting once again….our willingness to be hurt.

    To break open our heart and let Him in.

     

  • Loyal to the dysfunction.

    "Step One Summary" in Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.

    "Step One requires that we admit that our family is dysfunctional and the dysfunction affects our thinking and behavior as adults. We must admit that we are powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. Our lives are unmanageable regardless of appearances of self-sufficiency. Social standing or compulsive self-reliance does not equal recovery. We must realize that will power or self-determination is no match for the effects of growing up in a sick family. We cannot figure it out on our own. We need help. We must shatter the illusion that we can reason out a painless solution."

    "The shares (stories they shared) also represent the critical separation-from family work, which is necessary to gain clarity about our lives. Separating from our families means setting healthy boundaries and removing ourselves from abusive situations and family crises, which are common for dysfunctional homes. Many times adult children struggle in their ACA program because they cannot seem to break ties with destructive or manipulative relatives. We cannot grow and find our true inner selves as long as we engage in family dysfunction that is draining and unhealthy."

    "Separating from our dysfunctional family is a healthy act of defiance. By doing so, we are challenging the authority of the family lie.  We are making a statement that we will no longer be loyal to denial and dysfunctional family roles.  This can seem frightening, but we have the support of our ACA group."

    "Many adult children separate from their families with love not abandonment.  They need time away to focus on themselves and to disconnect from the gravitational pull of a dysfunctional family home. At an appropriate time, we review the relationship we want to have with our families. We will choose to avoid some family members because of they are draining or abusive. Other relatives will accept us and encourage us on our new path even though they may not understand or be willing to walk this way with us. ACA can improve our relationship with our families with the knowledge that we do not have to participate in their dysfunction. We are free to live our own lives." 

    Further on they write….

    "Amazingly, an estimated 50% of adult children of alcoholics deny or cannot recognize alcoholism among their families. By growing up in a dysfunctional home we become desensitized to the effects of alcoholism, abusive behavior, and lack of trust."

    "Recovery from the effects of an alcoholic and dysfunctional upbringing is a process, not an event.  We need to be patient with ourselves. We need to be honest about our own behavior and the thinking we developed while growing up in our family of origin…."  ACA

    This first step or recognizing our family has a problem and that we are saturated with it…is the surrender that is needed. 

    I can recall when it dawned on me, the weight, the breath and the depth of the dysfunction and how far reaching it was…like a spreading virus it seemed to be everywhere and how I was unable to even begin to begin fixing it IN others let alone me.

    The collapse of the lies and the shock and awe of reality…was horrifying and very freeing.

    In the moment I was convulsed with sobs of not being big enough to handle the big mess; was the moment I gave up.

    It was then that I was able to let them go and deal with me.

    And Me, was a big enough mess to sort out.  There was no part of me that wasn't infected.  None.  All my relationships had me in them, and my thinking and behavior was created from a dysfunctional family home.

    Again, the only one place where it didn't appear was in my quilting.  It was a dysfunctional free zone.  It was a mindless adventure in Art….where I was free from the mental mind.

    My separation wasn't to ask for space, It was literally my only chance for survival. I walked away or was shut down when I spoke of the mentalness or dysfunction I could see. 

    I saw what they couldn't and still can't.  It isn't that the dysfunction ONLY lived in my parents, IT is everywhere.  Their minds infected ours and we passed it on to our children….

    Step One says…."We have found that family dysfunction is a disease that affects every member of the family. In the individual it affects the body, mind and spirit. The disease of family dysfunction is pervasive and resilient. The disease is progressive. Our relationships become more violent, controlling, or isolating, depending on which path we take.  Our "addictiveness" to work, sex, spending, eating, not eating, drugs, and gambling, progress as well, depending upon our path."

    "Morever, the disease is generational, which means the traits and thoughts you have at this moment have been passed down from generations hence. Relief from the disease occurs when we do Step work, attend Twelve Step meetings, and seek a Higher Power's guidance. By admitting we are powerless over the effects of family dysfunction and that our lives have become unmanageable, we are ready to move onto Step Two."  ACA

    The insidiousness of dysfunction IS that our minds and behaviors are so tainted by it, we can't even see it.  We are it. And we have to use our abused minds to right our worlds.

    I know this can be done…and what it takes is truth.

    Truth is the only thing that will disrupt the spreading of this disease of dysfunction.

    What truly separated me from my family is the truth and my willingness to follow it and no longer be loyal to the dysfunction.  

     

     

     

     

  • Lie for Love.

    Martha Beck writes in O Magazine….

    "It may seem that lying is easier than honesty – that it has the magical power to spare feelings and make us appear less flawed than we are.  But the truth is like fresh, clean air, while lies are like smog that poisons our psyches and interactions.  The amount of truth you must tell to any given person depends on how much healthy intimacy you want with that person. The more intimate you want a relationship to be, the more truth you must tell. It's that simple."

    She has rules about the truth…and I just picked the lines I loved under each rule.

    #1 Always tell yourself the truth.

     "The more we align ourselves with our deepest truths, the clearer, saner, and happier our inner lives become."

    Questions for clearing denial.

    What am I afraid to know?

    What am I hiding?

    What do I almost know?

    What knowledge am I avoiding?

    Warning: The truth generated by this exercise may rock various boats in your life. But to continue lying is to doom yourself to endless misery.  Sit and breathe the truth for a while. Feel how clear and bracing it is.

    #2 Tell your loved ones as much truth as you can.

    A 2012 study found that when subjects told just three fewer white lies per week, they reported noticeable relief from tension and melancholy and fewer physical ailments like sore throats and headaches.  Maybe that's because lying, even to please someone means giving up the chance to be genuinely known, understood, and loved as we are. Conversely, if someone's lying to us, then no matter how much we adore him or her, we're loving a fiction.  Without honesty, people feel emptiness and disconnection.  People grow apart when they don't share what's happening to them as they grow."

    #3 Tell acquaintances enough truth to maintain optimal connection.

    "Remember intimacy increases with honesty. Share less to keep people away and more to draw them closer."

    #5 If you're desperate to kill a relationship lie.

    "Only in relationships that are already weird and awful is lying an ideal communication technique."

    "If you think lying will "protect" a person or relationship you value, go back to rule 1. Your heart will tell you that no matter how protective lying may feel, it always poisons connection."  

    Martha Beck

    Great article and very appropriate timing…

    If all you take away from her article are these two things; the truth connects and breeds intimacy, while lying is poisonous to connection…it will help you in your life knowing when to lie and when to tell the truth.  It all depends upon the relationship you want.

    The less you want to connect with someone, the less honest you have to be.

    How I see dysfunctional families, which are built upon lies and NOT telling the truth, is that there is no deep connection there or intimacy between each other. Rather the lies or silence are actually the poison that creates dysfunction.

    Telling the truth to yourself is rule one.

    And, if you have a fear of 'wrecking' a relationship with your parents by telling the truth, you are actually retreating from a deeper connection, NOT perserving one.

    The exact opposite is happening…while you lie for love.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Is Not Love.

    Over the past years that I have been speaking out so frankly about my dysfunctional family and MY own dysfunction… and kindness has been challenged and used as a tool to ward off any action…of self awareness…self responsibility and self love. 

    Many will tell me, "they are going to overcome their abuse by being kinder."  Kind and forgiving and loving.  They will not become one who hurts others.

    So many victims of child abuse believe that they will become one who hurts another if the truth were to leak out.  If they were to hold the perpetrators accountable.  If they were to set up boundaries against the one who hurt them, THEN THEY THEMSELVES ARE HURTERS.

    What I would say to you all "kind" folks…does it work?

    If you are not truthful to unkind people do you get love and kindness back?

    If this philosophy worked, would our world not be heaping full of kind folk?

    How is it, just in my family alone, that kindness DID NOT ERASE OR CEASE the abuse that lived there?

    Kindness, forgiveness doesn't work.

    And yet child upon adult child, with tears in their faces, love in their hearts BELIEVE it does.

    They will go to any lengths to love and be more kinder.

    This is another huge factor in the abuse never being dealt with properly. Child and adult children are still waiting for love.

    Believing that it is something THEY ARE DOING wrong. 

    When children and adult children accept reality they will see that no matter what you do, you can't change another.

    In fact, look how hard it is to change your own life.  To even look at what your kindness is changing. 

    And, again, if I am viewed as being unkind for speaking my truth….than kindness is to lie.

    To pretend is kind.

    To deny is kind.

    Truth is seen as something that is awful to another?

    Now isn't that concept a tad dysfunctional?

    In my life now, I celebrate the truth no matter what it is.  I accept it.  I honor it and I respect it.  I have no use for the land of kindness, for most often it will not accept my truth.

    Rarely is truth seen as kindness.

    And what a huge benefit this is to all the perpetrators of the land. To all the unkind, dysfunctional folks…they love your kindness, for it will never see their evil deeds.

    Out of kindness you all look away.

    Love to me is truth.

    Love without truth is not love.

     

     

     

     

  • How Many Children Will it Take?

    More from the book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families".

    "Denial is the glue that holds together a dysfunctional home.  Family secrets, ignored feelings, and predictable chaos are part of a dysfunctional family system. The system allows abuse or other unhealthy behaviors to be tolerated at harmful levels. Through repetition, the abuse is considered normal by those in the family.  Because the dysfunction seemed normal or tolerable, the adult child can deny that anything unpleasant happened in childhood. At the same time, there are many adult children who can recount the horrors of their dysfunctional upbringing in great detail. Yet, many do so without feeling or without connecting the deep sense of loss that each event brought. This is a denial of feelings identified in Trait 10 of The Laundry List (Problem)."

    "These forms of denial allow the adult child to sanitize the family story when talking about the growing up years. Denial can also lead us to believe that we have escaped our family dysfunction when we carried it into adulthood. Step One of the Twelve Steps states taht we are "powerless over the effects" of growing up in a dysfunctional family. The Step calls us to admit that our behavior today is grounded in the events that occurred in childhood. Much of that behavior mirrors the actions and thoughts of the dysfunctional parents, grandparents, or caregivers. Once we come out of denial, we realize we have internalized our parents' behavior. We have internalized their perfectionism, control, dishonesty, self-righteousness, rage, pessimism, and judgmentalness. Whatever the pattern might be, we realize we have internalized our parents.  Their behavior and thinking are our behavior and thinking if we are honest about our lives."

    "It is important to note that we have taken in or internalized both parents. This includes the parent who appears more functional compared to the alcoholic or chemically addicted parent. Our experience shows that the "functional" or nonalcoholic parent passes on just as many traits as the identified alcoholic. This "para-alcoholic" parent also passes on his or her pattern of inside "drugging" as well.  The para-alcoholic (the codependent) is driven by fear, excitement, and pain from the inside. The biochemical surge and cascade of inner "drugs" that accompany these states of distress in this parent can impact children as profoundly as outside substances. Our experience shows that the nondrinking parent's reaction to these inside drugs affects children just as the alcoholic's drinking affects them. We realize this seems technical, but it is important to understand if we are to comprehend the reach of a dysfunctional upbringing. As children, we are affected by the alcoholic drinking from without and by the para-alcoholic drugs from within. We believe that the long-term effects of fear transferred to us by a nonalcoholic parent can match the damaging effects of alcohol. this is why many of us can temporarily abstain from other addictive behaviors after growing up, but be driven by the inner drugs that can bring difficulties as we attempt to recover. Our para-alcoholism of fear and distorted thinking seems to drive our switching from one addictive behavior to another as we try to make changes in our lives."

    "Another way to think about how we acquired para-alcoholism as children is like this. The alcoholic can be removed from the family by divorce or separation, but nothing in the home really changes. The alcohol abuse or other dysfunction is gone, but the home remains fearful and controlling. Boundaries are unclear. The children don't talk about feelings. They either become enmeshed with the non-drinking parent or alienated from him or her.The rules of "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" apply even with the alcohol or other dysfunction removed. The inside drugs of the para-alcoholic are at work, affecting the children. The nondrinking parent's fear, excitement, and pain are affecting the children and are transferred to the children. This is the internalizaton of the parent's feelings and behavior in one of its purest forms."

    "Many adult children express anger at the nonalcoholic parent for not protecting them or not removing them from the dysfunctional situation. We felt abandoned watching this parent remain absorbed by the alcoholic's behavior. Ironically, many of us hold more resentment toward the nondrinking parent than the alcoholic parent."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent we learn helplessness, worry, black-and-white thinking, being a victim and self-hate. We learn rage, pettiness, and passive-aggressive thinking. From this parent, we learn to doubt our reality as children. Many times we have gone to our nonalcoholic parent and expressed our feelings of fear or shame. Many times this parent has dismissed our feelings. We have been called selfish or too sensitive when objecting to our drinking parent's behavior. In some cases, this parent defended or excused the alcoholics behavior."

    "The damage that some nonalcoholic parents can do through inaction or by failing to remove the children from the dysfunctional home boggles the mind. Some of these parents have ignored sexual abuse within their homes. In some cases, a child has been accused of being dishonest when the child tried to tell the nondrinking parent about the sexual abuse he or she was facing. This is difficult to think about or to accept, but for many of us it is true."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent, we learned to accept abusive or neglectful behavior as a natural part of life. For example, during an argument, some of us left or fled the home with the nonalcoholic parent only to return in a few days as if nothing had happened. From this behavior, we got the message that it was normal to push aside our fear and return to our abusive or shaming parent. As a result, we can have great difficulty  walking away from un-fulfilling relationships as adults. We know in our minds that we should leave, but it "feels" normal to stay. These are just a few examples of being infected by the disease of family dysfunction."

    "In the interest of fairness, we must realize that our parents passed on what was done to them. They are adult children as well. We are not blaming them for being powerless over the effects of family dysfunction. In most cases, the treatment that they handed out is the treatment they received growing up. Our parents internalized their parents. This has to be true if we are to believe that family dysfunction is passed down from one generation to the next."  Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Familes.

    Each time I read the word "alcoholic" I could exchange this for Sexual Abuser  and the para-alcoholic can be exchanged for para-sexual abuser.

    This book is incredibly affirming to what I have experienced in myself.

    I had to see where the pattern started, see it in me and then change it…by doing life different.

    What I love is that it shows the change, the cycle…and that the glue that keeps the cycle going IS denial.

    You can't just blame the abuser/alcoholic, you have to bring in the non-abusing parent and see the added dimensions of effects that you have internalized…to see the complete composite of who you are.

    It is wildly fascinating and extremely frustrating to show this pattern to my family and for them to deny it…

    They deny it for that is what dysfunctional families do. They are only following the pattern of their parents…

    It goes on to say.

    "A few of our parents have been lost to alcoholic insanity or dementia. They have been depraved and pitiful or unapproachable and scary. The alcoholic is powerless over alcohol and has an obsession of the mind to drink or take drugs. The para-alcoholic suffers from a similar condition, yet it is difficult to see since it is on the inside. In essence the alcoholic and the para-alcololic are the same personality driven by near identical fear, but one drinks and one does not."

    "This is where we got confused as children. We thought we were the drinker's problem or some part of it. From the alcoholic behavior, we assumed that we were no good, unseen, hated, ignored, used or attacked by the alcoholic because there was something wrong with us. From the para-alcoholic's behavior we assumed we were less important than the drinking. We deduced that we were the problem when in reality the disease of alcoholism was the problem. We take this mistaken belief into adulthood. We can continue to act out our childhood role with our alcoholic parent or someone else. Some of us can remain stuck and feel responsible for our parents on some level. We can act out our role with the nonalcoholic parent as well. If there was dysfunction in the home without alcoholism, we can have the same misperception. We can act out a dysfunctional role with our parents or another person."

    "Many of us are adults who have not admitted that our parents are alcoholic or that there was dysfunction in the home. Until we do so, we can still feel trapped by our family. We can remain confused about the extent to which we interalized our parents' behavior. We still get pulled into family crisis or arguments that lead nowhere. We accept family abuse and neglect, believing we have no choice." Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Families.

    While many would like to believe that I have lost my mind and I am damaging the family, they fail to see the pattern they are caught in.

    What a tight web this dysfunction weaves and how incredible the force that holds them together.  It isn't love, it's fear…the inner drug of choice…or the outer drug of abuse.

    This is the blueprint or the written pattern of how dysfunction looks and works…how it literally infects one generation to the next.

    How its strength is the fact that each generation is operating dysfunctionally and calling it normal.  How they are unable to see that denial is what is holding them together NOT love.

    How maddening it is to watch dysfunctional behavior infecting the innocent children…the seeminly unstoppable spreading or stealing of love, peace and joy from the lives of little ones….as they too experience neglect, abandoment…and feelings of no mattering enough.

    What will it take to wake them up?  What crisis will snap them out of denial? How many children will it take?