Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

"Are you aware that anxiety is a form of "Doing?"   (Conscious Parenting)

"One of the most common forms of "doing" that we use to cover up our inability to just be is anxiety."

"When parents react to their circumstances with doubt,hesitation, pessimism,or distrust, unable to sit calmly in their present reality, anxiously seeking answers to how their future will look, children orient themselves to life in the same way."

"Because such parents don't see life's difficulties as an invitation to their resilience, instead developing an attitude of "woe is me," their children develop the same emotional response to their own difficulties.  Inheriting the anxiety imprint creates a feeling of victimhood, and a desire to play the role of a martyr."

"Similarly, when parents interact with the present moment in such a way that they focus on what they feel is missing, lack becomes their children's lens on the world.  This is the result of feeling such emptiness that, when we look at the world around us, we focus on what's familiar, which is all the things we think are missing.  We are so unused to operating out of a sense of abundance that we can't recognize the abudance in the universe."

"In some of us, anxiety fuels a need to be "perfect," which leads to a compulsion to "fix" ourselves, all of which is driven by a longing to garner everyone's approval of us.  In others of us, anxiety fuels just the opposite of a desire for approval, which takes the shape of a spirit of rebellion. We still feel we ought to be perfect, still have a yearning to fix ourselves, still want approval, but these are overshadowed by our actual behavior."

"More than anything, anxiety tends to surface as a need to control. When we are unable to be with ourselves, just as we are, we forsake a kinship with our authenticity. In place of authenticity, we either seek to establish some sense of being "in control of ourselves" by bending the will of another, or we try to feel in control dominating someone else, especially our children.  In an attempt to reduce our anxiety, we are driven to order the circumstances of our life, dictate the outcome of situations, and organize the people among whom we live."

"Worry gives us a reassuring sense we are "doing" something, fooling us into imagining we somehow have control over things.  By engaging in mental "doing"we feel we are taking action. However, since worrying is focused on the future, on things not yet developed, it deflects us from initiating positive action in the present. The truth is worry is a mask for our fear of being "present" in our present."

"Paradoxically, when we are caught up in anxiety, we are afraid of actually taking charge of our situation in a way that might change things for better.  In fact, when we examine anxiety closely, it's really a passive state – a distractor that allows us to fill our head with busy thoughts that appear to be active responses to our situation but in reality are powerless. Though we seek to impose control through the stance we take on an issue, by means of our thoughts, or by seeking to impose our will on others, we rarely take the action required to alter things."

"The anxiety generated by the thought of surrendering to our reality manifests itself in a variety of ways. It's worth exploring some of them. For instance, whenever life doesn't turn out the way we want it to, we experience an overarching sense that we are "above" life, which means that things are only supposed to go wrong for other people, not "special" individuals like ourselves. We tell ourselves, "This isn't supposed to happen to me. This can't happen to this family. I can't believe that I, of all people, have to go through this.  I need more from life. This isn't what I bargained for.This isn't what I worked so hard for."

"A cycle of this kind, passed from generation to generation, is only broken when we discover that worrying is a mask for a fear of being present. By becoming present, we can help our children develop their trust in life as inherently wise."  

Dr. Shefali Tasabary

I think we think, that anxiety and worry are just obvious caring items…that mean we are over concerned and attentive….But who knew, that what we really feared was the present moment full of what it is holding?

I know that becoming present in a present that was anything but what I wanted,  I broke the link of a generational avoidance with reality in the present.

How odd that the goal of being perfect discounts the present and as it is in this moment…putting them aside while longing for more.  Not seeing the abundance, what it needs more of.

I again, have parented from the unconscious and the conscious.  The difference is a complete and wild turnaround, while doing nothing to alter the present, than to sit with wholly.

The peace that comes from fully accepting this moment in time allows no room or reason for anxiety and worry.

If you can accept the worst than there is no reason to fear the present, no matter what appears.  

I know I can.

I also know, that I will know what to do in that moment, when it happens.  No sense to worry, for all worry is a mask for a fear of being present.

The goal in life and in parenting is to be present.

That is all.

Don't scurry away from this moment in time….but rather be with it.

I wondered what happened to my worry…and now I know.  I also know, that when I begin to worry, it feels awful and it is so hard to live there. I quickly return to this moment of time…

"As a result of the damage I have seen so many children inflicted with at the hands of unwitting parents, I suggest we remove ourselves from the pedestal of approval-giving by telling ourselves each day, "I ask to be released from the notion that I have any power or jurisdiction over my child's spirit. I release my child from the need to obtain my approval, as well as from the fear of my disapproval. I will give my approval freely as my child has earned this right.  I ask for the wisdom to appreciate the sparkle of my child's ordinariness.  I ask for the ability not to base my child's being on grades or milestones reached. I ask for the grace to sit with my child each day and simply revel in my child's presence. I ask for a reminder of my own ordinariness and the ability to bask in its beauty. I'm not here to judge or approve my child's natural state. I'm not here to determine what course my child's life should take. I'm here as my child's spiritual partner. My child's spirit is infinitely wise and will manifest itself in exactly the way it's meant to. My child's spirit will reflect the manner in which I am invited to respond to my own essence."  Dr.Shefali Tsabary…

If only parents understood and embraced the fact that how we embrace, engage and respond to our own inner sense of self, IS how our children will see themselves.

Parenting is more about living the example, and they will mirror you…without fail.

This brings me much peace, knowing that the more I can fully respond to my own essence, the more my children will be alerted to theirs. 

Conscious parenting isn't so much about the needs of the child, as it is about our own needs.  How we listen to our inner self and how capable we are in honoring who we are.

Freeing our child's spirit is the ultimate in parenting.

Allowing them to connect inwardly and to detach themselves as our happiness maker.

A very high marker of healthy is when a child makes a choice that is opposite of ours and that we both find a way to make peace with it.  To detach from the choice and allow the consequences to land where they may.

I understand that what Dr. Shafli writes about will seem very self serving…selfish and in complete opposition of what we were taught and how we were raised….and I am so excited about it.  

To be free from the expectations, happiness or unhappiness of your parent is the ultimate space to respond to your essence.

In order for me to embrace my inner child/self…I had to be okay with failing on many levels with my parents and siblings.  I began living the opposite of how we were raised.

I no longer served an outside master…nor could I care more about another's inner landscape…than my own.  

It is my hope, that the more conscious parents become, the less estrangements will happen…in order for a child to be free.

I see children breaking free as they begin responding to their essence…leaving families that do not celebrate the individual child.  In order to live from the inside out, they have to ask for space from their family. For the family dynamic isn't conducive to self expression…but in serving thy mother and thy father…first.

What my last 10 years of learning have been about is this separation…and to follow my inner knowing, regardless of how other's feel or respond. To stay true to course, no matter what.  

In doing so, I have opened the doorway for my child to do the same.  

What I want the most, is a child that knows itself. A child that is free from the strings of approval or the fear of disapproval…but one who can fearlessly be themselves!

"Many of us exude an energy that screams, "Life better satisfy my needs!" Driven by this energy, we seek to extract pleasure from life in the exact package we think we require. Because we are steeped in this demanding energy, anything that doesn't meet our expectations feels worthless.  Even when something precious is offered us, we find no value in it. Highly judgmental, we resist not only life in its as is form, but also our children in their as is form. Of course, our resistance gets us nowhere because life remains true to its essential nature, flowing in its own way.  If we are wise, we recognize this and start flowing with it rather than fighting it."

 Dr. Shefali Tsabary "Conscious Parenting".

How interesting it was to read, that when we don't accept life in it "AS IS" form, we also will not accept our children in their "as is" form.

Not only our children, but all who we come in contact with.

I just had a conversation about perfectionism…and its definition, meaning "refusal to accept any standard short of perfection".

We tend to think that perfection is a high goal to reach for, but what I had not considered is the refusal to accept.

What an insane idea or stance to take…refusing to accept.  I know they are saying anything short of perfection, but what is perfect and who are we to decide its standard?

Here is another view of perfectionism and the way it leaves those of us who were abused…out.  We will never ever be 'perfect' again, and are now the image that broke the perfect picture.  If you only see or acknowledg and accept perfect, we will no longer measure up to that standard.

What happens to us who are now unable to be 'perfect' is that we feel estranged or carry the mark of 'disgrace' of no longer being perfect.  We are cast out, not for our wounds, BUT for your refusal to accept anything short of the mark of perfect.

How I see dysfunctional families, is that they are not accepting of what is….or as is, when abuse enters in. They refuse to accept…and have this odd twisted sense of rising above, protecting or proclaiming even louder how blessed the family is.

Putting forth a picture perfect picture of family.

I know, that when they resist life as is, they too are risisting me as I am.

When I was able to fully accept life as it is, I accepted me as I am and in turn was able to accept my children as they are…my husband as he is…and so on.

I have to see what the opposite of Perfectionism is….it is  "Carelessness"?

I did not know what would come up…it is shocking to see.

How interesting.

This is why most have the high standards of perfectionism…to show they 'care'.

While not accepting anything short of perfect.

"Through our children, we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our immaturity, as they evoke powerful emotions in us that can cause us to feel as though we aren't in control – with all the frustration, insecurity, and angst that accompanies this sensation."  Dr. Shefali Tsabary

What I love about this book, it is a book about the Parent, not the child.  It is helping us see ourselves and how our reactions change the lives of our children.  I love that she notes our "complex theatrics of our immaturity".  For we literally are reduced to the antics of a two-year old. Raging and screaming out of control…when 'something' doesn't go our way.

She goes on to say…

"Of course, our children don't "make" us feel this way. They merely awaken our unresolved emotional issues from our childhood. Nevertheless, because our children are vulnerable and mostly powerless, we feel free to blame them for our reactivity.  Only by facing up to the fact that it isn't our children who are the problem, but our own unconsciousness, can transformation come about."

"How did we become so reactive?  Not only do we inherit certain egoic scripts and roles from our family of origin, we also inherit an emotional signature. Beneath every role and script is a unique emotional imprint.  This is the case because, as an infant, we are in the state of being, not ego, which means our defenses are unformed and we are susceptible to the emotional energy around us. We energetically interact with our parents emotional state, absorbing their emotional imprint, until this energy becomes our emotional stamp.  Unless at some point in our life we become conscious of the emotional energy we have absorbed from our parents, we will inevitably transfer this imprint to our own children."

"Because we weren't taught by either our parents or society to access our inner stillness and find the roots of our pain and pleasure within ourselves, we are reactive to external circumstances.  Sine we didn't learn to simply observe our emotions and honor them, sit with them, and grow from them, our response to external stimuli became increasingly emotionally toxic, which is the root of our cyclones of drama."

"When we are raised to surpress our darker emotions, these emotions form a shadow from which we are cut off. When emotions are split from our consciousness, they lie dormant, ready to be activated at a moments notice, which is why so many of us erupt out of the blue. Whenever these emotions are triggered by another's shadow, we find ourselves upset with the person who evoked these emotions in us. Again, let me emphasize that no one could evoke such emotions in us were they not already part of our shadow. Not realizing this, we seek to ease our discomfort at having to confront our shadow by projecting these emtions onto the other. We then see them as the villain in the situation. So afraid are we to face our surrpressed emotions that whenever we recognize such emotions in another, we experience hatred, which leads to defiance, victimizing, and in some cases killing of the individual."  Dr Shefali

Imagine what a baby picks up in dysfunctional homes?

The swirling dark energies are absorbed due to no defenses to stop them.

And, then these dark emotions become part of who you are.

I know, that from my own experience this is all true.

I had a huge cavern of unexpressed emotions that could and would erupt at the smallest of provocation.  I was a mine field of buried explosives. I, like my children, didn't know when it would erupt.

I did blame them.

My inner feelings towards them were defiant at best.  Until I understood the time travelers of long suppressed emotions.  

I had a lifetime of feeling to feel.

Once I felt the dark swirling emotions that comprise the make-up of incest and the apathy surrounding it, I was able then to feel goodness.

I had to first fully embrace and swim in the dark.

My children were spared each time I dunked under the waves of despair.

I even recall trying to keep the energies within me or when they became to dark to go outside to release them. It was like I was contaminated…a toxic mess.

I now feel that it is up to me to keep my inner landscape empty. To feel and express quickly what I feel.  

By me fully owning my own energy field of dysfunctional emotions, my children will not feel its contents exploding in their lives.

It is amazing in how accurate Dr.Shefali understands this.  My inner charge feels to be at zero. And, if in the future I explode.  I will know that there is something within me that needs to be expressed and understood.  A time traveler of suppressed emotion.  Something I absorbed in my childhood.

Knowing my childhood…there was an incredible amount of dark energies that I took on…and I can be the one to transform them by feeling them.  Acknowledging they exist.  And, my children are the ones who will set off the charge.

There is no need to search.

When you are out of control and the emotions are drowning you.  It is then…you feel this.  See what and who you are trying to control so you don't have to feel.

Release the messenger and be with the emotions…and release your need to control.

On Memorial Day, we remember those who fought for our freedom.  How free are we inside of ourselves?  Does it matter to be living in the land of the free, when inside we are held prisoner by suppressed emotions.  

We are too afraid to stop blaming others and to own our cyclone of emotions that are  out of control.  To fully own, the cause is coming from inside…

More from "The Conscious Parent" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary…

"Because we interact with our children based on how we were raised, before we know it – and despite our best intentions – we find ourselves recreating the dynamics of our own childhood. Let me illustrate how this happens by telling you ab out a mother and daughter I was privileged to help.  Jessica was a good student and the ideal daughter until her fourteenth year.  However, during the next two years, she turned into her mother's worst nightmare.  Lying, stealing, clubbing, and smoking her way through life, she became rude, defiant, and even violent. Being around her daughter, whose moods fluctuated by the minute, made Anya anxious.  Too deeply triggered by Jessica to contain her emotions, she unleashed her fury on her daughter yelling, screaming and calling her names a child should never be subjected to."

"Anya knew that Jessica's behavior didn't warrant these extreme explosions of anger, but she could neither control her rage nor understand where it was coming from. Feeling incompetent, thinking herself a failure as a parent, she was unable to provide Jessica with the connection she needed."

"In due course, Jessica confided in a school counselor that she had begun cutting herself."

"When Anya learned how much pain Jessica was in, she contacted me for help. "It's as if I were six again," she shared.  "When my daughter yells at me, I feel the way I did when my mother yelled at me.  When she slams the door on me and shuts me out of her world, I feel as though I'm being punished, like I did something wrong. The difference is that whereas with my parents I could never protest, yell, or scream, now I can't stop.  Every time my daughter makes me feel like my parents made me feel, it's as if my world crashes around me and I lose my sanity."

"The only way we could unlock the unconsciousness that Anya's daughter triggered in her was by revisiting the past, in particular her family of origin.  Anya's father was emotionally cold, which meant she felt starved for affection. Her mother "was just never there," Anya explained.  "Even when she was there physically, it was like she was never there. I was seven or eight when I began to know loneliness."

"So great was the pain of Anya's isolation and lack of acceptance by her parents that she resolved to create a new personality. "I decided I would start acting just like mom, then dad would begin to love me as much as he loved her." Anya's mother was always well put together, beautifully dressed, on top of things.  "I changed from a girl inot a grown-up woman overnight," Anya recalls. "I began to exercise like crazy and did brilliantly in school."

"Unfortunately, no matter how responsible Anya became, she was never good enough for her extremely strict father. One incident in particular led to a turning point. As Anya tells it: "I remember one day my father was annoyed with me because I wasn't sitting still to do my homework. Not a man of many words, he took me to the corner of the room and raised my arms in the air.  He then folded my knees and sent me to the floor. I knelt on the floor for the next two hours with my arms in the air. He didn't say a word the entire time. My mother didn't dare say anything either. No one looked me in the eye. I think that what hurt me more than the punishment was the lack of acknowledgment. I cried and begged for forgiveness, but no one seemed to hear me. After two hours, my father told me to get up and start studying. From that day on, I swore I would never get myself into trouble again. I swallowed my anger and hid beneath layers of resentment."

"In the same way Anya had learned to be the "perfect" child, she had trained her daughter Jessica to be her little automation, devoid of emotional expression, super-responsible, perfectly controlled and manicured.  However, being a different spirit, Jessica could only take her mother's rigidity for her childhood years. The minute she was able to break free, she did.  Not having a sense of a center, her emotional pendulum now swung to the other extreme. The more Jessica rebelled, the more controlling and dominant Anya became. Finally Jessica snapped. So it was that the cutting began."

"Through all her daughter's behavior, Anya only saw her own wounds, caused by her own parents' anger, rejection, and betrayal of her. Instead of seeing Jessica's rebellion as a cry for help, she interpreted it as undermining her role as a parent. This served as a reminder of how powerless and worthless her parents made her feel as a child. Only now, instead of becoming the "perfect daughter" as she had all those years ago in her parents' home, as a parent herself she fought back. The tragedy was that she was fighting with the wrong person."

"Anya had no awareness that her daughter was behaving quite normally given the circumstances of her rigid upbringing. She couldn't see that Jessica was saying, "Enough of the charade. Wake up and notice that I'm a unique individual with different needs from you. I can't be yours to control any longer."

"Jessica was in effect screaming for the release Anya could never claim for herself. She was the flag bearer of her mother's unfought war. Though she appeared "bad" in the eyes of the public, she was in truth being a dutiful daughter, enacting her mother's unlived past for her.  Through her antisocial behavior, she was facilitating her mother in finally expressing all that had been trapped inside her for decades. In terms of the journey of becoming a conscious parent, Jessica's "badness" was a service to her mother, the opportunity for Anya to revisit her childhood resentment and heartache.  Thus Anya was finally allowing herself to scream, letting out her emotional toxicity. Our children are generous in this way, willingly becoming receptacles for our misplaced emotions so we can ultimately set ourselves free. It's our unwillingness to walk toward this freedom that creates the illusion our children are "bad" and must be doing things maliciously."

"If you understand that the inappropriate behavior of your children is a call to increased consciousness on your part, you are able to view the opportunities they afford you to grow differently. Instead of reacting to them, you look within yourself and ask why you react. In the asking, you open space for consciousness to rise."

"It was only when Anya was able to revisit her childhood and undercover her anger toward her parents that she could release her daughter from the trap of "perfection" she herself had lived in all her life.  As she embarked on the process of freeing herself, she began losing layers of pretense she had cloaked herself in, slowly emerging as a vibrant, fun, easygoing, person who was full of joy. Her apology to her daughter for all the burdens she had insensitively placed on her allowed Jessica to heal her own wounds. Mother and daughter were helping each other emerge into the authentic beings they had really been all along."

"The ways in which our past influences our present are indelible, yet paradoxically obstructed from plain view. This is why it takes someone close to us to mirror for us the wounds from our past, which is the reason our children are able to help us become free."

"Unfortunately, we parents don't allow them to fulfill their spiritual purpose in our life. Instead, we seek to make them fulfill our egoic plans and fantasies."

"How can we guide, protect, and provide for our children in the physical world, yet rigorously relinquish all sense of domination of their spirit, unless we have nurtured a free spirit within ourselves? If your spirit was squelched by parents who were divorced from their own emotional freedom, there is a risk you will squelch your own children. You might unconsciously engender in them the same pain you endured in your childhood, passing on the pain that has been handed down for generations. This is why it's so important to consciously free ourselves from our unconscious state and move toward an enlightened way of being." Dr. Shefali

If the only thing you get from this….is this… if you are screaming at your kids, you are not free from your childhood pain.  

This makes complete and total sense to me.  When I started to ask why I was reacting so poorly and sought to make changes IN MY behavior, I was becoming conscious as a parent.

I also know, that the sheer volume of rage and resentment I had towards my kids was so wrongly directed. AND, once I course corrected the direction of my rage….to my parents. My children were set free…along with myself.

We didn't have to be perfect…buried under layers of resentment.  I allowed myself to be angry etc.

If your child is out of control, it is for you to heal…If you are screaming…it is for your parent or the one who hurt you in childhood, that you haven't had said your piece.

Say your peace in the right direction and you will have peace.

This book is for those who are tired of being out of control.