I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Don’t Turn Her Away.

    I think there is a part of us, who thinks we can distance ourself from our self; our past and our experiences AND that we can do this and do that to 'be healed'…which is another word 'to separate from the pain'.

    I also think, this striving to separate from our darkness creates dis ease or disharmony inside of us.  And the longer and harder we work to get away from ourselves, the more ourself, screams to heard…if that makes sense.

    As I continue to bring forth all the aspects of me that I have denied, the one piece I discovered is the one curled up in a self protective mode. 

    The one on guard. Clenched and ready to defend.

    Not willing to relax, breathe…or simply trust, for in this state I was abused.

    My last moment of pure relaxation and trusting was right before abuse happened.

    Once you know, you can't not know….nor will you ever be returned to the state of natural softness.

    And, it is by bringing in the wounded self and completely welcoming her and her wariness, can we both work together to be in the world.

    In striving to 'heal' we often falsely believe that we will get back to our original self, that we can somehow eradicate the affects of abuse…or even the abuse itself.

    Like cutting off the 'ugly' parts…

    But, I would appear to be very odd and none of my life would make sense IF I were to separate me from my past and move on with only the positive.

    Those negative experiences have emotions that are needing expression.

    My responses to life are based upon what I have experienced.

    I would be seen as acting really strange if you separated (erased, deleted, blessed away) all that I have encountered in this life that hurt me.

    I also believe that by embracing my pain, I am reclaiming Me.

    As I rub my painful parts during yoga, tears flow.

    Tears of being accepted and loved just as I am.

    That I create a place within me that holds me.

    I love all my brokenness.

    It is there as I bring her close inside that she heals and I become more whole.

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    I hear her cries, I feel her pain…I don't turn her away.

     

     

     

  • Invalid

    It seems to me we are lacking the venacular for those of us who are estranged from families due to abuse.  We lack new words that carry the correct meanings.  We are left with old words that no longer match our experience.

    When we hear a person say "My Ex" we know that the relationship is broken.  And while we may not get the inside story, we all are aware and no longer expect interactions that symbolize love and family…and we are okay with it.  It makes sense that you and your Ex are not together.

    For those of us estranged, we have no words that symbolize it is over.

    We are left with father or pedophile or his first name, but not my Ex-Father or my Ex-mother etc.

    Having these words and having them BE acceptable to society, would change the stigma of estrangement from family.

    Somehow, this breakup isn't recognized or normalized…and yet there are many of us who have separated from our families due to abuse.

    When a wife leaves an abusive husband, it makes sense for her to legally divorce the person who inflicts pain.  To no longer desire to be in their presence.

    As an estranged member of my family, I lack the venacular that rightly depicts my relationship….except to say "estranged".

    I guess we could put the word 'estranged' in front of mother and father…but can we ever be anulled from our parents?

    Is it possible to make 'void or null' our parents?

    Can you "declare them invalid"?

    I looked up "invalid"…."To remove from active service" or "Something no longer current or useful."

    It almost appears or feels that these definition have been hung on me.  That I have carried within me the lack of use; that I am an invalid daughter/sister.

    I believe that most children who have to leave their families don't walk away feeling valid.

    Okay, I had to look up "Valid"

    "(of an argument or point) having a sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable or cogent."

    I don't know the word "cogent".  "(of an argument or case) clear, logical, and convincing.

    Here is what I am feeling now.

    Due to the fact that our 'arguments' are not seen as reasonable or clear or logical with a sound basis, we are declared "Invalid".

    I feel this to my bones.

    My truth was invalid.

    My experiences, invalid.

    So, it is like I was declared annulled by the virtue of NOT being seen as reasonable.

    I have felt divorced by the family since finding out my father is a pedophile.  It wasn't his unreasonable actions that divorced him from the family; but my 'unreasonableness' in keeping him as my dad…that divorced them from me.

    It is to be divorced, but without there being grounds for it.  Or perhaps reasonable grounds.

    This is all very intriguing to me, how the tables were turned and I made to feel invalid; when in fact the family lost it validity.

    In order to keep the family as family was, someone had to be declared unreasonable….or 'removed from active service'.  

    It was I.

    We tend to carry the blame of the estrangement…the one who walked away.

    But we fail to consider why.

    I, and my truth, was invalid as far as my family was/is concerned.

    It never felt like it was a declaration that started with me, that I decided to be invalid.

    It has always felt like my words had nowhere to go.

    That their meanings and validity were not seen or held in high esteem.

    Is there a language that an incest victim can use to be heard?

    What venacular does it take to topple down a family that is build solidly upon dysfunction…where their lack of seeing me as the one with a valid reason to separate from a pedophile…declares them dysfunctional.

    And, just because they see my truths as null and void, does it make them so?

    Perhaps the reason I haven't found the correct words for my actions, is because they are not my actions.

    All I have ever done is stand by my truths, my experiences and how I feel inside.  

    What I have also known from early on in 2004, was that the only choice I have ever had is to be with my truth or declare it invalid.

    It has not been an easy road for all the while my truths have been seen as invalid.

    That I am standing up for something that they see as unreasonable, unlogical etc.

    To be valid only to yourself is tough.

    It is you against the world…or perhaps only those you call family.

    I know this to my bones.  Most victims of sexual abuse within families….either have to declare their truth 'invalid' or become invalid themselves.

    Who wants to knowingly become nul and void to their families?

    This is the prize for speaking up about your abuse.

    And, we as a society wonder why abuse continues on generation upon generation.

    Which one of you would willingly cut off all ties with family in order to walk your truth?  To speak up only to become invalid.

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  • Cover of denial.

    Family and society's image and belief in its purity or innocence, is the biggest wall a victim faces.  

    We have all bought into the belief that ALL families are safe harbors, all families are love energies…all families have our best interest at heart.  That family is the opposite of our enemy.  

    Family on its own merit is beyond reproach.

    It is like any thought you would entertain that would put a smear upon family has to be lie.  That only the clinically insane would oppose Family.

    I have been in conversations where someone will share "There is nothing more important than Family."

    Family has become this godlike group that surpasses all judgment.  It is an island to be protected at all costs.

    It has a reverance it doesn't have to work at to receive the highest praise.  Just because it's family….it remains untouchable and beyond reason and doubt.

    The energy and life-blood of Family, makes any victim willing to demean it…insane.

    How dare you….who do you think YOU are to take down this icon?

    Are you insane?

    It isn't an individual; but the collective beliefs in its potential and in its true meaning, NOT in the actual family itself…that we are up against.

    It isn't the pedophile father that we are attacking, but the dream and hopes of father/dad.

    It isn't the mother in denial, but the ideal and potential of a protective mother.

    It is the potential and belief that there is far more there than meets the eye…that they are unwilling to give up.

    For, if you sat down in the middle of just who each person is, what has been your experience with them…what kind of relationship it is and how hard you have to work to keep it or how feeble it truly is….there would be nothing to revere.

    Perhaps the greatest fear IS the knowing there is nothing there….

    What so many feel I have lost is family in its highest power.

    That I lost a loving kind protective father.  I did not.  I lost the image and illusion of one.

    And so it goes for all I lost.

    What was perhaps the hardest thing to own, was the absence of what I thought I had.  It is to hold on tightly to a diamond that is really just a stone.

    I know so many victims who are powerless and inert, unable to go against the family in their minds.  Victims who are out of control, stuck in depression and battling addictions ALL to hold Family in high esteem.

    They themselves are willing to die to let family live as love…while it swirls with abuse.

    Victims refusing to see family in its actual content are sentencing themselves to a lifetime of pain…or ways in which they keep pain at bay.

    They too believe, "Nothing matters more than family"….not their life, their happiness, their peace, their love, their self.  Nothing gets ahead of family.

    Believing this…they will never see the source of their pain.

    This sentiment has to change in order for us to get a grip on sexual abuse/incest.

    Family cannot be sacred unless and until its members are.  

    All that forgiveness of sins does is paint a pretty cloud above the original family….and it is this cloud they believe in….not the filth that lies beneath.

    I guess what terrifies most is the fear that the cloud will disappear and all the truth will lay there in the bright lights of reality.

    That is what I saw. 

    Family without its protective cover…of denial.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • I Am Me Forever

    I discovered something very intriguing today, about myself…and I am not sure I will be able to unravel it or recreate it with writing my experience of me, and how I am able to fool a part of me and hide other parts…while living as me.  

    It is wildly intriguing how the mind works to help you survive even surviving the survival of abuse.

    While the mind played tricks to allow me to survive abuse in my childhood…it once again set in play another game I was hoodwinked into.

    In the past few days, my estrangement seemed more permanent than ever.

    It wasn't that I was more resolute, but rather events would happen and my inner psyche would not be rattled, but rather I felt more in balance than before.  Like I was getting comfortable with my estrangement.

    As I wrote about being estranged and in the early years… how I would tell myself that "For Now" I would do such and such…that it wasn't permanent, but just for now.  I was leaving room, or a door open.

    "For Now" allowed me to not say forever…to not think forever…and to not feel forever.

    It was a place for me to stand…that was like a trial basis for my new decisions.  

    It appeared to give me a way to change my mind.  It wasn't a closed room, but rather a hallway in which I could go both ways.

    I had thought this land of "For Now" was being kind to my family.

    That I wasn't setting up boundaries of forever…and I wasn't closing the doors tight, severing all recourse.

    But, you know what?

    It wasn't for them.

    It was for me.

    I needed this space or reassurance that I could change my mind at any time.

    I thought, "For Now" was for them…that at some point in the future, they would change and be like me.

    Instead today, I understood that "For Now" was for me… so as not to be frightened of the drastic life altering changes I was making…it gave me the false sense of there being a way back to the old me…later.

    I am quite sure I would not have been able to make the choices I was making, knowing it was forever. 

    Knowing that I was changing my life and it was non-reversable.  

    There was never going to be a way back.

    My old life was over…finished. 

    The doorway removed.

    The hallway was one way…forward.

    Estrangement was permanent.

    I was to live the rest of my life separated from my family.

    This wasn't a trial run at being a new me.

    This was the real deal.

    It was a done deal.

    It was over.

    There is no going back.

    The bridge is gone.

    My nature of being a chameleon, was to change into whatever was needed in this moment.  

    I could not have survived, knowing my chameleon skills were lost forever.  That the survivor self I used to survive abuse was being killed. And that this new unchanging me for your comfort was all I would get left with.  Estrangement Me was permanent.

    There will be no reunion with the old me.

    Even though I said good-bye to the survival me, a part of me relied on "For Now" it was a training wheel of sorts, that I used while I was getting used to the new me.

    Part of me now is still in awe that the road back is blown away.

    Just an empty blank void…

    There is a part of me that is excited, there isn't a road there…or a choice to yet be made. That this is final…this is me.

    That I will not have to leak even a bit of me in the hope "For Now".

    I can pour all of me into me.  

    I can be me.

    I don't have to change and change again. Never knowing who I am and what I will have to be.

    I am not this Me for now….I am me forever.

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  • Honors my truth.

    "Do what you feel in your heart is right, you will be criticized anyway."  Eleanor Roosevelt

    I wonder if the reason most of us don't make changes IS the fear of being criticized?

    I had to look up the word "Criticize" to see if I even understood its correct meaning.

    "Indicate the faults of (someone or something) in a disapproving way."  

    "To find fault with: criticized the decision as unrealistic."

    If you could see that there will be people on both sides of the fence or issue willing to find fault; that you simply can't escape criticism.

    And, if you change sides…you will be crticized by new people for doing something different.

    What I hadn't considered is that no matter what, someone will be standing there disapproving of you and your choices.  It is a given.

    So, given that.  

    Do what you want and how you want.

    In the end, you and you alone will stand with your choices, and be responsible for why you did or didn't do something. 

    Your karma is created by the choices you make and not by the silence or absence of criticism.

    I know that I have been heavily criticized…when I switched sides of the abuse line.

    I was criticized for doing nothing for 40 plus years…for my silence while in denial.

    And, when I switched sides and spoke out…the criticism came from those whose side I left.

    Eleanor is right.  No matter what You will be criticized.

    It will just depend upon who is doing it.

    I see it rather black and white.

    What is reasonable to a dysfunctional family isn't reasonable to someone who isn't in a toxic relationship.  It is all relative to where you are standing and what boundaries or requirements you have or lack.

    I find great comfort in there will always be voices of criticism….and it will be from the opposite side of the fence you are standing on.

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    I am fine being criticized for taking the road that honors my truth….

     

  • Want to Hear.

    A line in a movie said, "We don't talk about War because it is too painful, we don't talk about it, because no one wants to hear about it"

    That concept struck me. 

    I believe it is exactly the same about sexual abuse, about incest especially and more…when it is about members of the FALC.

    It isn't about our personal experienes.  It is about how our truth affects your world…or makes you think or perhaps re-think what you have always known.

    I love when my perception is tilted into seeing things differently.

    However, I also know there are many whose whole lives would topple over IF their perception were to change. If they were to fully accept the details and truth about sexual abuse within a religion based upon high morals and values.

    I get it.

    But, most don't talk because YOU don't want to hear.

    I know the weight of my silence was as thick as the refusal to hear.  

    There really isn't a point of talking when you know the other person doesn't want to know what you saying.

    Our silence will be broken to the people who want to hear.

    And, it is my belief, especially when abuse happens within a family, the hearing ear will not be family.

    Imagine IF we all understood this about the silence of sexual abuse….that we will talk when others WANT to hear.

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  • God

    This sign hung by this mailbox, I see each day. And each day it is asking me IF I am ready to Meet God?  

    Is He hiding and does a church or religion own him and are they the only ones to 'introduce' Him to me?  

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    I usually mutter, "There is nowhere to NOT meet Him, He is everywhere…."  

    How interesting that a small religion feel they own Him…that he is their property. And they can introduce Him and show me who he is…when there is nowhere He is not.  It is like selling us Air we breathe that surrounds us, always.

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    Just look at the brilliant display!  How is the Universe not present?  Where would I have to go to 'meet' him? What is nature if not God?  

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    I sometimes, okay, I mostly feel, that those who get caught up in the words written in the bible and the rules of religion, miss God completely.  They are trying to 'learn about him' while being surrounded by Him.

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    My church is outside…and it is breathtaking.

    It has no rules for me to follow in order to See It.

    It can't fit into one religion or God forbid into a small building with a Steeple.

    It explodes and dances in its Glory from the smallest expression to the largest.

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    Sadly, I feel, they who are trying to give me God, miss seeing Him in his true nature.

    The god they are trying to get me to meet, would be similar to the god I left in my old religion.  A judging god, a punishing god, to me….a dysfunctional god.  One who is angry and wants me to suffer on earth for a spot of heaven someday…

    The God I see every day, everywhere is nature and natural.

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    Brilliant, bright, contrasting, imperfect, perfect, wild, beautiful, unique, transforming, ever changing, light, dark….endless, infinite, bold, expansive…  

    There is no contest to who I feel most aligned to…nature and I are the same expressions of the Universe…being or expressing ourselves as who we are.

    When I was in complete and utter terror of not knowing who I was, where I came from, what was the truth….nature led the way.

    Each morning, I would walk.  I would step outside the sun would be there….up in the sky.  I could count on it.  It never changed, nor did it ever demand something from me.  It accepted me as I was in that moment….and has ever since.

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    Nature is the most wonderful teacher and the greatest place to learn how to accept yourself and all change.  To see how gracefully change and transformation happens, how death feeds new life…how there is no struggle in the sunrise or a tree turning color.  

    Nature flows.

    Truth is.

    God.

     

  • By Being Me.

    I really enjoyed listening to Melody Beattie's book "The New Codependency" she wrote this many years after her best seller, "Codependency No More".  

    Codependency is much more pervasive than one might think and it has very little to do with living with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs; it is more about how  aware we are of our selves….our bodies, our feelings, our choices or the lack thereof, of how free we are in our lives.  Or how disconnected we are with our truth and feelings and the inability to live them out.

    I am betting most people don't even know they are dependent upon others…or that they have been taught to live codependently.  

    There are telling signs.

    If you believe that others have the power to make you feel something.

    Like your feeling switch is outside of you, and you are being directed like a puppet on a string…and your life would change when others change.  You keep your focus on how others are acting and what they are doing right and wrong and how IF only they would do such and such, you would feel better.  Be happier and more at peace feel more loving etc.

    Until you can recognize that you and your feelings have nothing to do with other people, you will live a life of codependency.

    She talked briefly on Guilt.

    How we think it is a feeling.

    And yet it doesn't really have a feeling in the body; but it is more something that blocks us from moving. This concept has me thinking.

    Guilt isn't a feeling like sadness or happiness….rather it blocks us from moving.

    How often do you hear how guilt stops people?  They would feel too guilty for doing this or that.  Interesting how religions use guilt to control people.

    I had to look up the definition of Guilt.

    "1 : the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct. 2 a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously." 

    "make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.

     

    "Celeste had been guilted into going by her parents"
     
    "The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame."
     
    Now how interesting is this….it is more about doing something wrong.
     
    In my journey to being more Me, I discovered that most of the crimes I committed were following my feelings.  I wasn't breaking the law or neglecting my responsibilities, but rather becoming more responsible for me, not less.
     
    There will be guilt when you no longer feel responsible for how others feel.  When you cast aside the codependency living.
     
    But, I believe you will only feel guilty when you believe in codependency as a lifestyle.  
     
    My old religion had deep wells of things to feel guilty about…most of them were my personal choices that they had taken away.  And I felt/feel guilty when I try to take them back.
     
    Similar are the traits that a dysfunctional family steals from its members. The right and freedom to feel and be with your truth.
     
    Again, we are put into a state of denial when we don't recognize that our freedom to be fully ourselves has been taken away.  We suffer a loss of self, but were too young to even know it.  We live in denial, when we can't access our feelings and live in their truths.
     
    I recall feeling the complete and utter space….and lack of knowing who I was, when my family and church both fell in ruins.  I didn't know who I was without their definitions of me.  I had none of my own.  I was so codependent.  I had not only lost myself, but I had no clue who I was.  
     
    The sentiment that lived with me for a few years….is "I am lost and I am going to go myself and I don't know who I am." It is to search for something but you have no idea what it is….only that it is missing. 
     
    How do you miss a self you never even knew?
     
    Most of the past 10 years has been to become Me.
     
    And, in doing so, I have lost lots.
     
    But most of what I lost, were people that defined me from what their needs were…they are blind to what I needed, to be me.
     
    I could not have found myself by what they needed me to be.
     
    I had to rediscover who I was, by how I felt and to follow my feelings…to dare speak my truth and to act upon it. 
     
    I did find me by being Me.  
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Through your feelings!

    I have been listening to Melody Beattie's book, "The New Codependency"  and I am finding many things that I agree with or that I am surprised in hearing.

    Like "The opposite of Repression is Expression"…she is talking about feelings. When we repress our feelings, they just sit inside of our bodies until we can feel them.  They need expression in order for them to be released. In fact, she speaks of feelings as the latest "Catch and Release" program.  Feelings and emotions are not meant to be stuffed down or repressed, but expressed.  

    She, like I, speak about how it is unreasonable to want, or seek, only happiness and joy. How, in order to be authentic, we have to have access to all our feelings. That our bodies are trying to tell us something by our feelings.  Our emotions are often asking us to move in some direction depending upon how we feel.

    The other thing…"Resist equals denial".  When we resist something, we are not welcoming it or accepting, but wanting things to be different. Another way to see and understand denial.

    And, that "Denial is Grief".  

    I knew folks could get stuck in grief, but I didn't understand that they would get stuck on a certain stage or level. That for some who have lost their innocence or sense of security and trust or love, are in grief.  They haven't moved on to anger or acceptance.  They are still in denial that something has changed in their lives.

    Another part that I related to was about gaining power.  It isn't that we ourselves find power, but while standing with our truth the Universe aligns itself with us….hence we are empowered.

    My brother and I would often split hairs about "grace" and I never could quite put words to how my truth made me feel powerful.  This is where it comes from.  It is like the Universe sides up to you as soon as you are speaking and acting in true authenticity.  It is grace to be one with the Universe.

    All in all, there are many more places I would pull from and will when I have the hard copy of the book.  I highly recommend this book for those who are disconnected with their feelings. Or, for those who have a hard time speaking their truth.

    Codependency is when you find yourself needing others in order to feel.

    When you feel someone is the cause of your unhappiness or even your happiness, you are dependent upon them to feel.

    It is when you have access to your own feelings, when you feel that you are able to catch and release, when you no longer repress your truth, but express it….that you are no longer codependent…but able to live and feel within yourself.

    Codependency is often tagged with alcohol or drugs etc….but really we are all raised to be codependent and that is a very powerless state to be in. Where you believe someone has the power to control your feelings. If they do…you are codependent.

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    The path to your self is through your feelings!

  • Can’t stay in Reality.

    One of my major hurdles, was to let go of was denial.  

    Denial was a place I lived for 46 years…and, for the past 10 awake.

    It has been hard for me to explain how I choose denial over reality or how I could use denial to block reality.  

    Denial is very powerful.  

    And once you 'wake up' you can't find the physical evidence of denial anywhere, there is no trace…except that the life you thought was there, was so far off the mark.  

    Denial is a place in the mind where we go and truth cannot follow…it is the alternative to reality.

    I had to look up the word, "Denial" and I found this.


    Denial (Psychological)

    Denial consists of the refusal to accept a past or present reality and is most commonly employed to protect the host from their own negative traits; to protect them from the repeated memories of the negative actions of another or to avoid recognizing their own guilt from past actions, thoughts or feelings.

    It is a self-defense mechanism employed by aspects of the subconscious mind in an attempt to protect emotional and psychological wellbeing.

    Denial can be a scary and very sad thing to witness in someone that you love or care about; it is generally very difficult to help someone see the truth and especially for them to truly believe and accept that reality on a long term basis.

    People deny responsibility every day for a number of things; but denial itself goes deeper into the psyche than that.  While people in denial generally still have the seed of truth still buried within their heads, they generally cannot believe that it is the truth even when confronted with it. This is due to the mind in effect rewiring or superimposing a more acceptable reality over the original memory.

    Even with abject proof of an events occurrence, someone in denial is highly unlikely to fully accept the particular reality that their mind has decided they cannot cope with. They are more likely in that instance to use projection or minimization or to continue to revery back to being in full blown denial.

    What I had not considered, even though I have been staring at it…is that it is an act of defense. AND, it is used to protect the "host" (self ) from their own negative traits.

    What is so hard for my mind to wrap around is that this is all done subconsciously and unknown from the person in denial. It is like we found an alternative universe to live on…and we see people as we want to see them, not as they are.

    The other thing that popped out at me, was the ability to stay with the truth LONG TERM.  

    This to me is crucial.  For it does sometimes appear that folks are hearing the truth and agreeing with it, and yet their actions never change.  It is like they looked at the truth and then decided to not be affected by it…but to resume their usual activity.

    I recall some family members stating that my father's truth would not change their worlds…that they are not going to let it "ruin" their lives…and returned to life as if nothing happened.

    To me…this is denial.

    How is it possible to have children who were abused and you continue on as if nothing changed?

    The only explanation is, they are defending their own selves from their own negative traits.  It has nothing to do with my father, his actions OR their children.

    What I now believe, is that my break down out of denial came when I was willing and able to look at my negative traits…and be open to being with memories. Albeit, they were few.

    Denial is used to protect your emotional and psychological well being.

    However, living in denial Is not being well.  In the end, it allowed my father to continue to abuse…while so many of us denied abuse's existence.  

    It may have been a sheer drop from my lofty cloud of denial into reality…into knowing abuse was everywhere.  But, it was only then, that I was able to distance myself from dysfunction.

    Being in denial, while it keeps the trauma at bay….also keeps us in its midst.

    All it really does is wrap us in a shroud of pretend. We are in reality, with dysfunctional people we just don't know it.

    Scary to see someone in denial and even scarier knowing I lived there for 46 years.

    It is to be in reality with glasses that can't see.

    At least can't see anything that would stir up my trauma.

    So, while I wore the denial glasses…I didn't see abuse.

    It was there, and I was in relationships with those who abused and with those who knew and did nothing.  I was part of the problem when I lived in denial.

    This indeed is a mental illness.  Where the mind can't stay in reality.

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