I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • The Process of Becoming You.

    It came to me yesterday, that setting up boundaries is a fuzzy idea, but not one we take and pick apart.  It seems to be a phrase that sounds good, but what does it mean?  What is a boundary and how do you establish one?  How visible are these so called boundaries or the lack of them?

    As I have been composing a letter of NO to my mother about her attendance at my daughter's wedding, it came to me, that is a boundary.  Saying no is building a boundary. Stating a choice is also a boundary.  Speaking your preference is establishing borders and fences, defining who you are.

    And, I have also noticed that most people have very few boundaries, or ones that are weak and easily gotten over.  To me, it is the after affect of being abused; we lose the right to protect ourselves.  We may even have never been taught how to by the lack of seeing it in action via our parents.

    My father had zero regard to the word no…as he sexually absused each little girl, whose whole demeanor screamed NO.  

    My mother stood on the other side of no, she didn't believe she had the right to say no.

     To me, the most valuable boundary is the ability to say yes and the option to say no.

    And, anyone who doesn't hear your no, isn't capable of loving you. And, there can't be a solid trusting relationship, if you are not allowed to say no.

    Our most intense empowerment word is NO.

    A boundary that allows us to protect our self…from being hurt.

    Children whose ability for choice is removed, are more in danger of being abused. Children who are born into these cult like religions of the FALC, OALC etc.  Where you are not allowed the freedom to choose.

    Predators naturally gravitate to the ones who are too kind to say no.

    And, conversely, our society feels that kindness is a virtue. 

    The word that I have the most respect for is No.

    For, if you can't say No, I do not trust your yes…..as Byron Katie says.

    Your yes, could be a pretend yes….while your inner feelings are NO.

    I no longer pretend to pretend, to pretend…when I see the two options…I love my ability to speak No as easily now as I used to say yes.

    In each of our lives, our pathway is continually being crossed with other folks who will be asking us to say yes or to say no.  The more truthful you can be with your yes and your no, the more authentic your journey will be and the more I can trust you.

    I also recall that the elders in my world as a child got to say No, but I didn't.  It was something that only adults had the rights to.

    Giving our children the right to say No, is for them to hold on to their sense of self and self worth; putting a boundary that will define what their preferences are.

    To me, a person without boundaries blends into the background…lost in the sea of many; undefined.

    Blending harmoniously into whatever surrounds them, camouflaged to fit the surroundings, losing the characteristic of self…wanting to fit in and not stand out.

    Boundaries will make you stand out…defining you.

    Setting up boundaries, is to begin the process of becoming you.

     

  • A Hurt Child

    It was late last night as I composed a letter to my mother, and I felt I had hit the high points, but yet….I wondered.  So, as I lay down to sleep, I asked for clarity in my dreams, to show me the true overview between, my mother, my daughter and me.

    In my dream I was holding my daughter, she was a young girl.  I was carrying her around…and out of nowhere a figure appeared.  Eyes hidden by heavy scarred lids and hands reaching to hurt us.  

    The feeling of the dream was my daughter's preciousness and me holding her and harm trying to do what harm does….harm.  I did not feel safe in this presence.  I felt stalked and pursued.

    Waking in the middle of the night from this dream, it affirmed my intentions and my subconscious knowing; that my mother's energy and reckless regard for my boundaries is hurtful…with abuse as its flavor.

    The key points I was trying to articulate in a letter…the draft letter, was that I had set up boundaries between us, that I have created a life where I have zero interaction and if she chooses to attend, she is deliberately abusing and overlooking my boundaries.

    That the boundaries I was setting up, were boundaries that I needed as a child, that I am doing for my child, what she was unable to do for hers.  

    It isn't a popularity contest, but rather healthy life choices, to remove and eliminate interactions with people who blindly harm. (hence the hooded eyes in the dream)

    She appears unaware of how painful it will be for me, for her to walk over my 8 years of silence…OR that once again my feelings and my pain are not part of the equation as she makes her choice.

    I also feel deeply, that her rights to attend, are the consequence for participating and being an accomplice to the sexual abuse in my childhood home.

    She at those moments gave up her motherly and grandmotherly rights…with me.

    She doesn't appear to know that her presence is hurtful…and yet she has never been aware of the pain that her children were in…lacking compassion.

    It isn't me who has landed her into this spot….it was HER choices that got her there, and now she wants to go on like 'normal'.  And, may do so. 

    I will fine tune the letter and send it.  

    How she responds will be her choice.

    I have very little confidence she will gracefully bow out, knowing it wasn't her right to attend anymore.  She may choose to stay away, but she will blame it on her daughter and my words.  Not seeing that I had no choice….that all my actions in the past 8 years are actions a mother does to keep abusive people out.

    Many may feel that I have no right to say what I have to say to her, to even send her a letter, to even 'cheat' her of being at her granddaughter's wedding…they will see and feel her 'rights' being neglected.  They are incapable of standing on the victims side.

    Another side will see how insane it is to even have to tell her to stay away. That she should surely know she is not welcome, that she will be intruding and breaking down the barriers to get in.  An unwelcome guest…due to our dysfunctional past and broken relationship.

    I have been silent, after our one encounter, our one day of expressing my feelings and emotions, I have let her live her life in peace. I have not interjected what she can and cannot do.  I have allowed her access to my children.  I have given them space to be.  But this event is My family event. This is not her daughter, but mine. And, I feel that I have earned the right to be there.  I do not feel the same can be said for her.

    The intricacies of estrangement and children who chose to erect boundaries against their parents due to abuse, is that there will be occasions where these lines will be crossed or challenged.  It requires us to once again state our desires and our needs. 

     If she, after getting the letter, that will clearly state my feelings, chooses to attend, she will be knowingly abusing me again.

    What is abuse, if not taking actions without caring how it hurts another being.

    What most fail to remember is she started this abusive relationship.  I did not abuse her first, but as a child, she abused me.  

    I am not being a hurtful child, but a hurt child.


     



     

  • Stay away.

    Long ago, my mother insinuated that there were two teams, mine and hers. And, she put herself and I in the captain positions.  Like we were long time competitors…and perhaps we were.  I had the attention of her husband in a sick sick way.  And to be honest, I have always felt the strain of this competition, one that seemed to be against my will.   Somehow I was the other woman.

    I am sure this is correct in a twisted way.

     This competition just doesn't seem to go away. We seem to be team captains each time her and I have the chance to appear on the same stage.  

    For the most part, with my family, I have chosen NOT to appear, which leaves her winning by forfeit.  I have left the competition…and wasn't interested in attending the same events she would be at.

    The two 'captains' or teams have not been at the same event in over 8 years…

    I eliminated the competition by not competing…but the two sides did not disappear, but rather they waited for a chance to compete.

    Due to our 8 year estrangement and my lack of entering into her life, I felt that perhaps she would not enter into mine…that she would mirror back my desire to not be in her presence again.

    That we could, without direct confrontation, again…stay separated.  That the kindest thing of all would be to honor each other by keeping our distance. But, she has been asking about the upcoming wedding…seeking to attend, instead of bowing out.

     This is one event I will attend…so, it feels like a forced competition to me…which at moments, eclipses the fun of planning a wedding.

     It is to have the accomplice of sexual abuse hold an honorary post called Grandma.

    Two women both wanting their 'rightful' spot.

    To me, I see it clear cut and dried. She, when assisting my father, LOST ALL RIGHTS to being the honorary grandmother at any event.

    I had hoped she would knowingly stay away…feeling that my daughter's wedding isn't the time or the place for her to be using the grandma card.  

     Can I stop her from coming?  Is it my place to request it?  Is this making my daughters wedding be more about me than her?  What are my rights? Where is it okay to vote NO on the guest list?  If I had only one thing to vote on, it would be this. And, actually it is the only thing I have objected to.  

    This is my second request in 8 years. The first one was to not put my daughter in the middle…to be the go between her and I.  It is like a competition by proxy.

    And, this is how it feels again.

    That my daughter is between her and I.

    That she was supposed to chose between the two of us, who could/should/would attend her wedding day.

    It is not my daughter's fight.

    This is between two adult women whose relationship was boiled in abuse.

    So, I will do my best to not have our toxic mess mix with my daughter's wedding.

    And, I feel that the only way is for one of us not to attend.

    I just can't see it any other way. There is no way you can put two opposing sides of abuse in the same room and not have drama.

    It would be to pretend nothing happened.  

    I am to pretend the abuse didn't happen, that she is a loving grandmother, that we have not been estranged for 8 years, etc….that we are thankful for all that we have and that we are all together…the prayer she uttered at each Sunday Dinner, where my father abused little girls.

    The dinner she supported, knowing what was going on.

    Now, she wants to attend a wedding, like nothing ever happened.

    Really?

    The clashing of our two teams is the reality that something did.  My team is the team of reality and which doesn't forget…her team is one that wants it all to just go away and for us to be a normal family.  

    It is impossible. It left normal when she assisted my father and his pedophile ways.

    Yep, 8 years later I am still singing the same ole tune…it doesn't matter to me if it is a wedding, in fact it makes it more so.  I wouldn't invite my rapist, so I certainly wouldn't invite the one who knew and did nothing.

    To honor our estrangement, she would stay away.

    PS….while taking a shower, it occurred to me, that the above conflict is the tone of what all children of abuse are battling with. That the parents (abusers) want to keep it normal and be a family, while the child (adult child) feels the incongruous sides…of how abuse and love can't mix. How hurt/pain and utter forceful abuse doesn't match the role of mother/father/grandparent.  It is like trying to blend oil and water.

    The underlining struggle is thinking you can make harmony and normal with abuse.


     

     





  • Self Love

    Art is an interesting journey and the one of the Artist even more so.  I wonder at its definition or its truest meaning…

    Artist – "A person who produces paintings or drawings as a profession or hobby."

    Art – "The expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture. Works produced by such skill and imagination."

    The above definitions don't begin to tell the whole story of art and the artist…

    I even wonder if Artist have a choice…for it is an inner passion that has to be expressed, like we are just along for the ride.

    What I find very intriguing is the fear factor that comes with Art.  The fear of exposing yourself and rejection…how the art and self become one.

    My journey into Art was an unconscious journey exposing my subconsciousness.

    It reflected a self that I was unaware of, and perhaps still does…or does.

    In the beginning, I was more concerned of how others saw my art and their subsequent approval…I needed their blessing to be okay.  So, even in my Art Relationship, it was very co-dependent.

    As I unhinged myself from the outside and understood that my sense of self and self-worth was about me and me alone…my Art Relationship changed, as well as my Art, and even who I was concerned about while doing my art.

    In quilting they have the Quilt Police, an imaginary group that hovers near your sewing maching keeping a critical eye, taunting you with your lack of perfection.

    In Art, a similar aura walks with you, but its content mirrors your own self esteem.

    I can see that Art and being an Artist, is an intimate relationship with your self witnessed by others. 

    In the beginning, my Art was held up by the good opinion of others…as was I.

    Now, I feel that my Art and I are way okay if no one loves us, for we are fully content and in love.

    Certainly I love when others love my Ladies, but I am also way okay if they do not. Where in the past, their lack of agreement would have challenged my self worth.

    How I feel about myself has a direct response within all relationships, especially in Art. 

    Art that we make with our imagination and feelings, seems to then take on the personna of special friend, a love….and it is like we are dancing with our self.

    I am not sure if all can follow this weird thrilling and terrifying journey of Art…being one of walking inside your self, but it is.

    I would not have believed it, until I had seen my story line quilts all expressing the different levels of awakening…or self expressions I had of my self.

    And, it stands to reason why some stop doing art, for it gets to be too intimate and so telling….and why others don't share or feel they are compensated enough or good enough etc.

    It is like showing the world your soul.

    Or even more, our relationship with our souls.  The inner speaking and feelings about how we feel about who we are.  A relationship between me and me.

    Art is showing everyone how you feel about you…the relationship that steers all other relationships.  How well do you know you…how honest are you with your self, how deeply connected are you with your authentic self.

    Doing Art is a visual documented picture composition, of the relationship inside of you. Your self worth and value and love Of you.

    It is not about how others see and love you/Art….it is more about self love.

     

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  • Starving our Souls.

    "When you get to the crossroad in your life and you have a choice to make, always take the harder, scarier road.  It is the one you were meant to take.  If you were truly happy on the road you were traveling, as well as the direction your life was taking, a crossroad would never have appeared.  The lessons you have to learn in your life will never be on the easy street, they will be on the road that challenges you. So take the hard road, draw a deep breath, and put yourself out there. You are stronger and braver than you think you are."  Joanne McPike.

    What struck me while reading this is the idea of a crossroad, NOT happening If you are truly walking your authentic path…and that if there is on, it will be the junction between what is your truth and what is not….between doing what others want and doing what you feel is right for you.

    I love this.

    And, I agree that the hardest road is the right one…and it is scary…to get off of someone else's idea of what is right for your life. To go against popular oppinion and do what feels right inside.

    And, that if you are on easy street, you are not learning the lessons life has to offer.

    The toughest road I traveled was littered with valuable life lessons.

    In many families and churches, there are strong influences that appear to be a crossroad, a place where two ideas cross your path.  Chosing the one that aligns with your passion and your desires, while going against the preferences of your parents…is the hard road.

    Our individuality and authenticity is being on the road and not veering off when other's wishes are dropped in front of us.

    Some of the hardest challenges to being yourself is to neglect what other's need…and serve your soul first.

    I truly believe we can't help others while starving our souls.




  • Freely as who you are.

    There is a great article in the O Magazine this month, by Martha Beck….here is a bit of it.

    "Horse Sense"

    "Avery looks utterly bewildered. Since her confusion is vital to the process, I just smile."

    "I have brought Avery to my ranch today to help her understand why she feels anxious and uncertain in her life; why she rages at collegues, her children, her husband.  Though I've been serving as Avery's life coach for several weeks, there are things she can learn here, with Koelle and Ernie, that all the talking in the world could never convey."

    "But Koelle's request has thrown her. "Do whatever you want?" she repeats.  It's clear she has no idea what that might be.  Since infancy, Avery – like most of us- has done what she's supposed to do, not what she wants to do. She knows how she's "supposed" to act as a wife, mother, employee. But in equine life coaching, there is no "supposed to." There is you, an animal and the present moment. What you do with the situation is your choice, and for Avery, choice is an unfamiliar prospect." 

    "An equine coaching session consists of the following; You stand near a horse. You gesture to that horse. It gestures back. For a while, it all feels strange and random. But eventually, in a process beyond verbal description, you begin to feel a cell-deep, almost telepathic communication between you and the creature. Awakening your ability to connect with the horse allows you to understand yourself entirely in new ways. And in the weeks that follow, that understanding quietly transforms your life."

    "But Avery isn't there yet. For now she just stares at Ernie paralyzed.  He wanders around keeping his distance, smelling the dirt."

    "Then without warning, Avery begins to cry, "I feel like I'm supposed to do something," she says, "but I don't know what it is."

    "And where else in your life do you feel that way?" asks Koelle."

    "Avery's voice cracks as she answers, "Everywhere."

    "Yes," Koelle says, "The way we do anything is the way we do everything.  How you react to the horse is how you react to the rest of your life. That's why we're here."

    Skipping further into the article,

    "Humans who can "speak" in the gestual language horses use to communicate with one another have demonstrated that these animals are amazingly cooperative. They've also found that horses always tell you exactly what they think – and here's where things get interesting, because what horses think of you happens to be what most people think of you, too. The difference; Horses won't lie about. Flattery, backstabbing, and hidden agendas are unknown to horses. They communicate what they feel, straight up, all the time. Which means that to gain their trust, humans must be genuine, clear and honest. Which is why horse whispering is such a powerful psychological intervention."

    In the last part of the article….

    "Ernie is now chewing vigorously on Avery's hair. She laughs nervously."

    "Does that feel good to you?" asks Koelle."

    "It is alright," says Avery, though her body has gone rigid."

    "Really?" Koelle says. "It is all right to have horse teeth in your hair?"

    "He means well."

    "And he deserves to know what you really feel.  Tell him what you want and need.  We teach people how to treat us. Communicate."

    "Avery pushes gingerly at Ernies muzzle. "No, no," she says weakly. But even to me, sitting several yards away, it's clear that her body language is saying, "Do whatever you want, just don't stop liking me." Ernie shoves her ear with his nose.

    "Make your message stronger," says Koelle. "Stand up straight. Get big and loud. Use what you need when you need it.  How would you set boundaries with your kids or your employees?"

    "Clearly not knowing what else to do Avery draws on the desparate anger she uses when exhausted, backed to the wall. "NO!" she se shouts, pushing both hands into Ernie's face. He reacts as you might if your favorite Aunt Millicent pulled a gun on you.  Leaping backward and spinning, he tears around the pen. Avery tries to slow him down by running at him, waving her hands. Ernie spins, spraying dirt, his hooves like thunder on the ground."

    "Help!" Avery shouts."

    Koelle has already stepped into the pen. She puts a hand on Avery's shoulder , breathing deeply and slowly. Immediately, Avery seems calmer. Koelle drops her eyes and gently raises her free hand, and Ernie slows to a trot, then to walk. Avery stares in disbelief."

    "So," says Koelle, "When you set a boundary, is that pretty much how your kids and employees react, too?"

    "Avery bursts out laughing, "Pretty much."

    "We call that the exploding-doormat effect," I interject. You hold in your unhappiness until it's intolerable, then you blow up."

    "That's what my mom always did." Avery says. "I didn't realize I was doing it too."

    "You do what you were trained to do," says Koelle."

     

    And further down in the article…..I love this part too.


    "Why don't you suggest going for a walk together?" suggest Koelle.

    "Avery takes a few steps, ad Ernie follows – until Avery tenses up and looks behind her. Then Ernie stops, snaps back his head."

    "Were you afraid he wouldn't stay with you?" asks Koelle."

    "Yes."

    "Your fear scared him. And your need for him to follow feels icky-sticky, and clingy. If you're to lead, believe that he'll follow."  Martha Beck

     

    It is my humble belief, that in the churches such as the FALC, OALC, etc, we lose our horse sense, even worse than just the run of the mill family preferences. And, if you were abused, even more.

    That we have to learn how to speak the unspoken language of self. The feelings and truth that have been buried underneath layers of religious and family beliefs.

    Finding your horse sense will be to live freely as who you are.



  • Light is back on.

    The difference between the Self that I am today and the one I was before I recognized my sexual abuse, is like night and day, literally Light and Dark.  

    It is hard to recognize the old me, whose insides were so dark, while trying so hard to shine bright.  My own awareness unaware of who I was and what I had experienced and its consequences.  Living lie, unaware…in denial.  

    You would think, that I would have been shining inside, since I did not know know.

    That I would FEEL innocent, if my mind didn't record the abuse. But, there was an inner feeling of not being good enough, always. That I couldn't pull off what others expected of me.

    What I didn't realize, is that they wanted me to be un-abused…to be un-disturbed.

    And, there aren't enough dances to dance or things to change, that will un-do sexual abuse.  

    This inner feelings of not being able to satisfy or that just being me wasn't enough, had me unhappy with myself, instead of unhappy with the outside.

    Once, I fully embraced my sexual abuse, I was able to feel bright inside.

    You would think, it would devast and wreck your insides, but instead I felt Right for the first time in my life.  I made sense.  My whole world made sense.  Folks and feelings matched.

    I could never be good enough for them, for I could never not be abused, and that is what they wanted.

    While again, riding my lawn mower, I replayed an earlier conversation, about my responses to the different things my children have experienced.  And, I found I have a inner scale upon which I weigh their choices.  If their spirits are happy, life is good…no worries.  If their inner light goes dark, I am on high alert.  

    I have no standards or set desires for them.  I don't have perferences and choices that will make me happier or make me dark….all I have is one indicator light that I watch, "is their spirit happy"?

    It is my belief, that sexual abuse, physical abuse, touches our soul.  It changes it from light to dark.  It wounds our love, peace and joy.  It tears the innocence of trust and darkens our worlds.

    It isn't that we turn dark, but our worlds do.  

    Something has changed in our worlds. 

    I was going to write, when parents miss the spirit's light dimming, we slip into a dark world…trying to make it right.  But, often IT is the parents that are doing the abusing.

    What needs to happen is someone has to recognize the dark world of abuse that lives in so many lives of children. We keep focusing on the child, when we need to see the adult lives with whom they live.

    And, I am not so certain, you can see the Spirit Light indicator, if you own light is dark.

    I know, that as a mom, I am now able to rightly see what is dark and what is light…now that my inner light is back on.
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  • Believe Us.

    What is traumatizing and what is healing, when it comes to abuse; sex crimes? What is helpful and what is not?  When should the discussion be silenced and what will empower the victim?  I lean far into breaking the silence.  And, what does breaking the silence mean?

    Does it mean using anonymous when speaking of your sex crime?  Does it mean keeping the abusers name from being spoken? What is breaking the silence IF it isn't saying what happened and by whom?

    Somehow I am missing something, failing to recognize another way of healing of keeping silent.  To me, silence is the way it has been, the pattern that allows victims to be victimized and abusers to abuse.  It is the wall of protection FOR the ABUSER and it works brilliantly.

    I also wonder about some feeling it is too traumatizing to speak out, to use your name and name the abuser.  Is it the speaking out, OR the onslought of defending responses of the abuser?  Is it NOT the speaking out that is the trouble but who you speak out to.  

    My family of origin have not been eager listeners when I have spoken out.  They did not want to hear about my father's sex crimes or treat him like a criminal…so they instead treated me as such, in order to maintain their family.

    I am not sure the speaking out is traumatic when and if you have support, but it will definitely be if you have family who wants family above all else….and that means above the crime that has been done to you.

    It is my humble opinion, that speaking out and calling monsters monsters isn't where the trouble lies, but rather in the reactions and responses of those listening.

    We keep wanting the victims to speak a certain way, but say nothing about those listening.

    What good does it do to not know that many in the family are not supporting you?

    They are not supporting you when they defend a father, act like he still is one…instead of the master mind of sexual crimes.

    The second trauma to the victim IS the response of not acting like he is a criminal.

    To me, this is equally as traumatizing as the first offense…and this is what the fear is for new victims, that they can't articulate good enough to change people's minds and behaviors.

    What most fail to consider is how when they continue to treat the abuser as normal, and what it does to the victims.

    We want to "protect" the victims by not advocating breaking the silence…for we know that they will not all be believed, that folks will not all fall into line behind them, naturally. 

    Our greatest fear isn't about the sex crime and the criminal, but about the silence and disbelief of the 'good' folks.

    It is traumatizing to see the abuser surrounded by family.

    Many will claim many things as to why and it now falls upon our deaf ears.  

    Is there really a good enough reason to do anything for those who abuse children with sexual acts?  Really?  What reason can there possibly be for doing anything for them after that?

    I witnessed some bring him a cognac, paying his defense fees, bringing him tobacco, gathering his things, driving him to Texas, allowing him a lesser sentence, offering him free rent, giving him a home, bringing him food, etc, etc. Treating him not like the monster he was, but like the father they needed.

    So, as some want to caution me about "Asking" others to break the silence, to speak the truth, to call him a monster etc…..it isn't about saying your name, your crime against you OR even the abusers name, It is about you having to change your world.

    You don't want the silence to be broken for you don't want the relationship to break.

    Breaking the silence means breaking the family.

    And, it will be traumatizing. But, is it not better than believing you have a loving family when what you have is one which supports abuse?

    Children who are sexually abused lose their own sense of innocence, but they also lose their sense of security and family love.  For most children do tell, but they are not heard.  

    In my father's case most of the children did tell.  Fathers did not listen. Mothers did not listen. Preachers did not listen.

    We as a society are not used to hearing what is told by a child…especially if it is against a family member.  I was big and loud and articulate and still my family marched on.  Criminal behavior was supported by their actions.

    Perhaps the message isn't then breaking the silence as much as it is willing to hear the child.  Hear and response in a way that clearly states, I do not support sexual crimes…no matter what.

    One of the loudest messages I was given was "Family is Family NO MATTER WHAT."  And, when sex crimes come, family was stronger. It held together no matter what words I used or how I strung them together.

    The response you give when you hear about another's abuse can either be the second trauma or the healing balm.

    The healing balm is to have others believe us.



  • Signpost of Abuse

    In the definition of Borderline Personality disorder, the term "Disturbed Child" was used…in a way that allowed me to see how you would feel within this disorder. How you swing from an adult into a disturbed child…mostly when there is chaos or stress.

    And then I wondered about the cause or start of this condition, "How did the child become disturbed?"  

    I looked up the word "Disturbed".

    "Having had its normal pattern or function disrupted."

    "to intrude on; interrupt; to destroy or interrupt the quietness or peace of; to disarrange; muddle; often passive to upset or agitate; trouble…"

    "marked by symptoms of mental illness: a disturbed personality. 2. agitated or distressed; disrupted: disturbed seas; a disturbed situation. noun

    We often see a disturbed child, but not what has set it spinning.

    What intruded or interrupted their peace and quiet?  What came into their worlds and stole their innocence?  And, how do you get them back to being 'undisturbed'?  Is that even possible?

    While some see the disturbed child, I see the disturbed adult.  I see the abuser entering into the child's peace.  

    I see the family destroyed by the abuser, by shattering the peace and safety of family.  

    I see others holding on to 'family' like it is a life line to their own sense of peace.

    I also wonder, if you are born into disturbance, how do you discern disturbance?

    What I didn't know was peace.  

    I didn't know how it felt to be completely filled with resting peace and not be shocked awake in the middle of night with terror, to always feel that 'something' isn't right, but not know what that something was.  To not feel like I should be doing more or trying harder, or not good enough….to not be at peace with who I am and the choices I made.

    Also, I experienced the behaviors of being a disturbed child as an adult…as a mom. I could go from zero to 60 in seconds, from in control to completely out of control, when things did not go according to my plan. 

    I did not know that getting this disturbed child self inside me under control, had more to do with getting me to see the disturbed family I was born into…than to curbing my rage and anger.  

    Once I understood the churning waters of incest…I felt better inside.  I no longer expected me to make that normal or to fit into it…or change it.  I accepted my past and began moving away from things that disturbed my inner peace.

    I love that I no longer have to tolerate or put up with disturbing folks.  And, that I have a keen feeling of what disturbs my peace…and the right to say no to what doesn't feel right to me.

    As a child who suffers incest, you have nowhere to go to escape…especially when all the adults around you want to maintain normal.  

    Whether it is family or church, most will fight to defend it and discount any disturbance that is contradictory to what they believe.

    It continues to boggle my mind the extent people will go to to not know…to overlook each new disturbance that comes in, each piece of evidence that would rock their world…as to not require them to make changes or look deeply into relationships and beliefs.

    How they hold on tighter and blame the disturbance on those who dare speak.

    I feel and have felt that I am a complete disturbance….the cause rather than one who has experienced a disturbed father and mother. That I am more to blame for the family being torn apart or the estrangement.  Yet remember that estrangement means "alienation: separation resulting from hostility."

    I didn't move away because I am disturbed, but rather that our family is.

    It wasn't that I moved from love or peace, but away from the disturbance.

    It has been helpful to the disturbed child in me to literally be able to walk away…what I could not do as a child.

    I also believe, whether you see the disturbance or not, you will feel the affects…the disturbance will brew inside of you, a time bomb waiting to explode…a pit in your gut waiting to be soothed by something.  Perhaps what you don't see outside manifests itself inside.

    What we label as a disturbed child is literally a sign that there is someone/thing that is disturbing the family.  They are but a signpost of abuse.

  • Adult Choices.

    In the past few days, a concept has settled more firmly in place, an understanding of how life goes and how we go with it or struggle against it….how, IF we have a clear and firm knowing about ourself, we can be tossed when life flips sideways, but we, the inside part of us, can remain unchanged. 

    I discovered that we can't control the outside, but we can control how we react to it. I believe that many want to feel in control by controlling the outside instead of learning how to feel emotions on the inside.

    It is like breaking free of the borderline disease….or at the very least getting the concept.

    I had to look up the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder….

    "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."

    "A person suffering of a borderline disorder swings between adult's behavior and disturbed childish behavior. The adult behavior of the Borderline can suddenly collapse without apparent provocation resulting in tears or a seemingly infantile show of anger" 

    Wow.  

    Here is how I was feeling about the upcoming meeting with my mother, that I would lose control OR that I wanted to control it, by demanding she not attend my daughter's wedding.  That in order for me to remain peaceful, I would change the outside.  I then decided I would shore up my insides with as much yoga as possible between now and then, and be the best strong I can be.

    In reading the above definitions, it was to get a tight rein on my emotions.

    I feared or felt fear of being unstable around her.  Of going off.  I guess of being swept away by turbulent emotions, of losing my handle of being an adult and regressing into infantile behaviors; out of control.

    What I didn't know about the borderline stuff….was that it was sliding quickly from adult to child.

    And, it feels completely like that.

    I thought borderline was to take on the personality or energies of someone, but it is much more about when the outside world changes or is beyond our control, we revert inside to being a child, overwhelmed with turbulent emotions.

    And, when I am present with my mother, there are volumes of turbulent emotions that can feel like a tsunami inside.  And, it will be a challenge to hold my peace and be a 'gracious' adult…with the accomplice to so much sexual abuse our family has suffered.

    To recognize that at times, life's situations are out of our control, but that doesn't mean we have to lose control.  We can still steer our bodies, surf our emotions; feel this.  And, we have the right to move away.

    I believe that for anyone who has become estranged due to unsightly actions, it is a landmine for being sucked into emotions that can leave us without adult supervision…in our head; we lose our grasp on self.

    NOT giving up my inner power and self control, is my ultimate goal, to remain tall and confident; an adult.  

    Looking back at our one meeting, after learning of my father's sexual abuse towards so many girls, I stayed an adult, while the swirling emotions flowed beneath me.  I did, rightly so, become enraged, at her lack of owning her part.  But, all in all, I was completely in control and not a whimpering child.

    I am not looking forward to sharing space with her, but I know from experience, I can retain my self in her presence. This is huge, for more often than not in our relationship, she always had the upper hand.

    The concept of having unstable and turbulent emotions…is most likely the make-up of our emotions in abuse.

    It is no wonder, when we once again have to meet face to face, the imprint of them will be present.  

    But, the good news is, I am no longer a child.  I am no longer someone to be twirled around and controlled.

    I feel that I am justified in my reluctance to be around her…she did not display loving actions towards me.

    But, what I am finding out, is that the world and many people in it, are out of my control, and the more I can keep myself from sliding into infantile responses, the more distance I will gain from this borderline disorder.

    I did not know, it was to lose your grip on acting like an adult.

    Perhaps being gracious is too lofty of a goal, I just have to hold on to being an adult…and I can clearly see how it is when the world seems so large, so messy, so out of control, it reduces you to feel like a child, like it is way too much to handle.

    And, I was right to get back to yoga to make a strong connection between mind, body and soul!  Being an adult you hold yourself in check.  

    I worried about how or what she will say and do, but I lost control of that, and knew all I could control was me.  And, I knew that being strong inside and out was the key to keep me from being upset.

    I love that I know what this disorder really is….it is losing sight of adult choices.