I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • They remain Monsters.

    While the discussions continue about abuse, what came to me is that there are two opposing views.  Two very different experiences and yet we want to paint only in one color…

    I got to wondering, is this an affect from being raised in the FALC, where bad things can be changed back to good, via the forgiveness of sins, so the world really never stays bad….it is fleeting and illusive…not a hard fact.

    Only the good remains seemingly steady, for if you falter, you can ask for a blessing and be returned to full goodness.  The bad doesn't stick, we are like teflon when it comes to sins.

    Is this why it is so hard to get people to really believe and to stick with a label of abuser?  That we can really only see the good?  

    For some reason we are very hesitant to hold onto a negative label….like IF we refuse to see some good, we are the negative folks.

    I know, that I am seen as being negative for seeing my father as a pedophile. That I washed away all his good traits, due to his 'fault' or sin.  It is by far more my problem for refusing to bend him back to good…or good enough.  I am not as kind, loving or sane when I hold his sins before me…

    Is it easier to just see the good and overlook the evil or is it easier to acknowledge the sins and hold them accountable?

    There is a really insane system going on in these churches, where there is sin, but it is only recognized to be forgiven away.

    Like you see it to erase it.

    What would happen if there was no forgiveness of sins? What would happen to all these actions? Where would they go and more importantly WHAT would these people look like?  Say all the acts of 'sin' stayed with the person…that there was no way to separate you from your sins?  Then what? Who would you be?

    Would you not be truth?

    Somehow, the 'forgiveness of sins' is a truth remover.

    When an abuser asks for the truth to be removed, he then loses the title of abuser…but the victim has no such truth remover…she is forever feeling the truth of the abuse. There is no escaping, no wiping, no erasing, no un-ringing the bell of truth.  

    I will believe in the forgiveness of sins, when it magically removes all traces of abuse from the victim.  When it can return innocence back to the child…making them untouched.

    Just as the victim remains forever changed so do the so called loving family members who abuse the trusting children in their lives; they remain monsters.



  • Say Nothing.

    On Ex-toots blog, she asks the question, "What can we do to try and make it safe to speak up?"

    How does a religion create an unsafe environment for victims telling about abuse?

    How is it possible that in the land of Jesus, God and the bible, we are not allowed to feel safe?  Or at least safe IF we want to speak out about the evil acts and deeds of others?

    Is it possible that the fear based teachings have done this?

    That when you raise folks based on the fear of God, the fear of doing something different, the fear of elders, the fear, the fear, and fear, that they will then fear going against their abusers?

    Surely we can't be surprised that we created the perfect victim…

    One who is too afraid to speak up about someone who is in power.

    One who has learned to silently give up their rights to their bodies.

    What will it take to empower them now?

    Will the adults in the church suddenly start giving back their bodies freedom?

    Will they allow them to own their hair and finger nails?

    Who is going to swing this environment around….will it be adult led or by children?

    From what I have experienced and heard, it will not be the adults…

    And, the abused (adult) children will have to find empowerment outside of the church, for the church doesn't appreciate self expression, will power, and freedom of speech, or of a person owning their own bodies and minds.

    Literally or perhaps they would say figuratively, the church has been their first abuser, by taking away all their rights. 

    As a victim of both the religion and sexual abuse, I honestly can't tell one being more kind.  In fact, the religious abuse appears equally as fake…as my father loving me.

    It is like religion has a fake front of God, Love and Jesus, while it is removing all things God is.

    If you put the way these religions treat a person and the way an abuser does, you will not find too many contradictions.

    Both want you powerless, silently following, pleasing them and forsaking your own truth and feelings.

    I feel completely abused by the church and my father, they were equal partners to strip me from being my self.

    I could no more fight against my father, than I could rebell against the religion.  I no more could protect my fingernails and hair than I could my private parts.  I had no power…against either.

    My mother brought in religion and my father brought in sexual abuse.

    Looking into both, there was no place for a child to feel safe, seen, heard or understood. And, we are asking our children to tell. Tell who?  

    My mother has yet to HEAR me. She hears sounds, but does not hear.

    My father, well I didn't even try to speak to him…his actions clearly said it all.

    And, I guess so do those who sit in the pews of these churches, who have given up all their rights, to their bodies and their minds….

    We are asking children to "Tell" when for generations of victims…telling will earn you a pass to estrangement.  Telling isn't what keeps these families together, allowing and having no boundaries are.

    The thing that will tear these families apart IS TELLING.

    Perhaps what is mostly safe, is our families in the dark.  

    Our family is not safe when the truth appears.

    The church's faith is not safe when the truth appears.  

    And the child knows they will not be safe, IF they try and disrupt the 'loving' family and find evil in the church.  They are only accepted if they go along…silently untelling.

    It isn't about telling of abuse, IT is about telling of the false front it is presenting.

    A false family of love and trust and kindness.

    A church of high morals and values.

    This is what we are not to tear down with soiling both with monsters, tales of abuse, acts of indifference, how forgiveness of sins only works for the pedophiles, and the list goes on and on.

    Like my mother always said, "If you dont' have anything nice to say, say NOTHING." 


  • Would you Sign?

    I asked a pastor friend about the Mandatory Reporting within churches, if they were like Learning Institutions….and here is what he said.

    "We are mandatory reporters just like the schools. Also, there could be board liability that would be settled in a court but knowing of a situation and not addressing it could very much make a board liable."

    I have spoken to a board member and a member of the Mission Board as well, and he acknowledges the rising levels of abuse, but he too, as far as I can tell, has not reached outside into the world for help…even with the rapid exponentially expanding abuse.

    I don't believe they can fully appreciate the fact that they can be held liable. These board members who have heard the concerns, don't seem to grasp what it truly means for them.  They are not understanding Mandatory…especially to be told to do something…from the worldly folks.

    Like maybe those rules don't apply?  How long can they get away with ignoring the mandatory reporting?

    What I know, is in my father's case, the Minister Knew…not only my case, but others.  He was brought in and he did not report.  He is dead now, but is the board still liable?

    Would a class action suit be something that would wake them up?

    I have very little doubts that a case could be made, not only in the FALC church, but in the OALC as well….from what I hear from victims.  

    These boardmembers may believe that their responsibility is financial, and perhaps rule making….and give very little respect or attention to Mandatory reporting…and that they are liable.  The word liable means, "Responsible by Law".

    They are breaking the law…by NOT reporting.  I don't think they get that.

    As we sit on Father's Day, I know that the majority IF NOT ALL, are fathers.  What is the message they are relaying to their children about sexual abuse?  What are the 'good' fathers doing about this.

    Wouldn't good fathers get involved, demand answers, withdraw their children from an institution that remains so indifferent to sexual abuse?

    Wouldn't a good father stand by his child and place his doubts upon the abuser?

    Wouldn't a good father resign from the board IF they would not address these issues?  And, wouldn't a good father join with the outside to help bring these guys in?

    Who again are these board members, as human's, fathers and men?

    I don't get it.

    It seems that each person is waiting for someone else to take the bull by the horns, to change up the way we do things, to rattle the cage, to be publicly outraged…to do something.

    If they could only see what the outside sees.

    Caring Less fathers…law breakers.

    Who is more evil or harmful to the children?  The ones who abuse or the ones who know and do nothing?

    Dealing with abuse when it is sprinkled in your religion and families makes it doubly hard to reconcile, but it also makes it more twisted to the child. They need to see that someone in the mix sees evil.  As it stands today, there is no movement….it appears that the devil and the angels are one.

    I mean really, is there a difference who is actually touching the child, if there are so many who stand by and do nothing?  

    What will it take to make the Board move?

    Will it be the class action suit?

    The victims are now seen as without value, our words are doubted…and elicite no response.  I guess it is until we team up with the world lawyers, judges, and detectives, police and maybe in the end wage a huge class action suit against them. There just should be a consequences for their nothing behavior….and I guess there is….you become who you hang with.

    I see no difference between the abuse and the silent unmoving bystander.

    What difference was there between my father abusing and the father's who knew and did not support their child? In both the victim is left without a father.

    Is it possible to start a petition of outrage and would you sign?

     

  • Lower the Wall of Indifference.

    I heard a phrase while listening to an audio book today… "Impenetrable Indifference"...and that to me is precisely how it feels to speak about abuse with a member of the FALC church…it is near impossible to get a raised eyebrow, a believing energy….instead all that seems to come back is this impenetrable indifference.

    Some want caution in speech until the courts of the land do their thing.  Which is normal and the way we have done things for decades.  We have also prayed for decades. We have forgiven their sins for decades. We have also whispered about abuse for decades. We have tip-toed around this 'sensitive' issue, not wanting to what? 

    What is it that we don't want to do?

    How is it that we are too afraid to boldly state and ask and point and come to our own conclusions?  Why?  Why do we not want to stand alone and point a finger?

    This caution is the wall of indifference disguised as kindness…or not wanting to rush to judgement. But, you are rushing. You are rushing to doubt the child…and that is okay.  It is fine to layer a victim with doubts, but don't you dare doubt the good reputation of the abuser, No sir.  No doubts to the abuser, all rush to doubt the victims.

    I guess it is hard to tell impenetrable indifference and neutral waiting…

    I am not sure that in the lives of the victims, they can wait. They don't have the luxury of time.  In fact, for them it is already too late.  Perhaps it was the generation before you who too, were waiting.

    We are all waiting. We are all cautious. All except the abusers.  No caution there, no waiting. Nope. They are busy, so damn busy luring, courting, setting up the ground work for their next victim.

    But, we wait. We are cautious.  We don't want to act in error.  And, we wait…while the abusers move on grateful for our non-involvement.  Happy for the lack of interference.  Gleeful that we withhold judgement. Content to have our wall of impenetrable indifference standing there protecting their little evil games with the children. 

    If you all, for one minute believe that these guys don't know what they are doing and who they are manipulating, you are sadly mistaken.  They are extremely manipulative and charismatic, and not only lure and court the child, so do they with the family members and other adults around them.

    They will do and say anything to dislodge your doubts.

    And you know, the abusers are articulate speaking adults…most often who have polished up the lies…for their very freedom depends upon it.

    Some folks think of pedophiles as doing sexual deeds a bit here and there, OTHERWISE, they are normal.  When, in fact, their whole lives are set up and lived for their sexual desires.  It isn't a part time thing, but it consumes their whole lives.

    They are instead part-time fathers, workers, etc, but it all is connected to getting what they desire.  There is very little they do that isn't a cover up or a connection to a child.  And, they have worked hard to keep their little gig going.  

    The only wrinkle in their manipulation is when the people are unable to be manipulated.

    If we act in doubt. If we don't believe. If we question and investigate and delve into their lives. If we ask questions of their children, and their grand children, if we go in and take apart their lives and really look at what is going on.

    When my father was investigated, they investigated the folks connected to him. They drew a wide circle and began to ask.  The detective who came to my home, said, "I have never investigated a case where so many people knew about this abuse and for so many years." 

    Will you talk to a detective about abuse? Are you waiting to be asked?  What do you believe your suspicions are?  Are they not a red flag?  If they came to your home today, and asked about so and so, what would you say?  

    Do you have to be asked?  Are you too afraid to be the first? 

    When I feel the impenetrable wall of indifference…is it because you are afraid to be wrong, to point a finger and it be wrong?  

    Give what you have to the detective. Share what you have heard.  It isn't up to us to investigate, but it surely up to give up what we know.  What we heard, even if it was years ago.

    In my father's case, the victims spread over the span nearly 40 years.  Yes, I said 40. For, I was 46 and the oldest victim that I know of was older than me and the youngest was only 8…

    What can we do to bust out of the impenetrable indifference so that these abusers don't have such a long run?  

    Is it wrong to give the detective what you know, for each tid-bit will put the pieces of the puzzle together.  

    Are you all waiting for the detectives to blindly fumble around…into relationships and dynamics you all know and grope for leads you carry…

    Help them with these cases.  Help by giving the piece you know.

    In the Penn State case what made it so remarkable were the sheer numbers of victims that spoke up.  Each building a strong case against their abuser.

    Each person who dares to speak will lower the wall of indifference.

  • Sit Silently No More

    What words of advice could I give to someone who finds themselves facing sexual abuse within their families. Are there hard and fast rules?  Do some roads lead to sure road blocks and stunt healing and others that speed things along, both with the law and mental recovery?  Does a check list exist of what decisions are best…and how to respond correctly for your child?

    Is it possible to have items of higher value than others and ones that will flip the pattern of abuse and others that will promote the same old song and dance?

    I see this broadly from the viewpoint of having traveled the tangled paths littered with debris of illusions…where pedophiles hid behind the mask of father….and their helpers wore the badge of mom.

    What is helpful when your life looks like trick mirrors?  How do you navigate and solicit advice, when you yourself can't even see what is right or wrong…when your values have been so mutilated…when so called family turn evil?

    When the laws of the land have guidelines to follow…that will depend upon a little child being articulate and brave enough to offer details of the crime….enough to prosecute…Adults who know enough, but are not good enough to put the abuser away…for our laws state, that the child (victim) has to tell his story convincingly.

    Are their lives not proof…when they wear the affects in their daily little lives?  

    I believe, it would be helpful if when we hear of another count of abuse by the same abuser, that others step forth…lend their voices to uphold the truth.

    Even IF you are not willing or sure of prosecution, it would be helpful to give your experience that helps support the victims, by showing them, they are not alone.

    I know, that the letters from other victims, helped me understand and see that I was not crazy…that my body had a reason to fear him.

    What definitive does the law need and will more proof from other victims help make a case? It seems that more of the law protects the abuser and makes the victims jump higher and reach further to get the help they need.

    My greatest desire is for other victims to share what they know, to help the little children's stories hold more water, when case upon case echo their story.

    In my father's case, the majority of the victims stories all matched, the behavior of sexual misconduct and forceful contact were so similar….down to the detail of the home and where my father sat.

    As this latest case in Minnesota shakes itself out, I know that it isn't an isolated incident, that there were others before AND will be others to follow, if there isn't a joint effort to expose him.

    This news is spreading like wild fire….and I can only hope that some day soon, the voices will not only be used to whisper, but will bravely be used to help these latest victims prosecute this man.  That other families will come forth and walk down the road with them…that there will be a collective effort to push back evil….instead to remain silent in fear.

    Encourage those who come forth with stories to share theirs with the local sheriff….if not now, when?  How many years and victims have to pass down this road before the abuser will be stopped?

    What is useful or helpful….what will help the abuser continue on a free man and what will help the littliest victims?

    Don't let the feelings of fear stop you from doing what is right.

    What is right, is the path less traveled.

    How is that possible that the Right path is the one less used?

    I say, to those who are still in the church, to rally each other to let this case be an example of how you are not going to sit silently no more.


  • Injects the word fear.

    Here is a interesting writing on Fear….or perhaps what fear stands in front of, by J.Krishnamurti in his book, "Commentaries on Living, 2nd Series"

    "Why do you engage in welfare or in any other kind of work?"

    "I suppose it is just to carry on.  One must live and act, and my conditioning has been to act as decently as possible.  I have never before questioned why I do these things, and now I must find out.  But, before we go any further, let me say that I am a solitary person, though I see many people, I am alone and I like it.  There is something exhilerating in being alone."

    "To be alone, in the highest sense, is essential; but the aloneness of withdrawal gives a sense of power, a strength, of invulnerability. Such aloneness is isolation, it is an escape, a refuge.  But isn't it important to find out why you have never asked yourself the reason for all your supposedly good activities? Shouldn't you inquire into that?"

    "Yes, let us do so.  I think it is fear of inner solitude that has made me do all these things."

    "Why do you use the word 'fear' with regard to inner solitude?  Outwardly you don't mind being alone, but from inner solitude you turn away. Why? Fear is not an abstraction, it exits only in relationship to something. Fear does not exist by itself; it exists as a word, but it is felt only in contact with something else.  What is it that you are afraid of?"

     "Of this inner solitude."

    "There is fear of inner solitude only in relationship to something else. You cannot be afraid of inner solitude, because you have never looked at it; you are measuring it now with whay you already know. You know your worth, if one may put it that way, as a social worker, as a mother, as a capable and efficient person, and so on; you know the worth of your outer solitude. So it is in relation to all this that you measure your outer solitude.  So it is in relation to all this that you measure or approach inner solitude; you know what has been, but you don't know what is.  The known looking at the unknown brings about fear; it is this activity that causes fear."

    "Yes, that is perfectly true.  I am comparing the inner solitude with the things I know through experience. It is these experiences that are causing fear of something I have really not experienced at all."

    "So your fear is really not of the inner solitude, but the past is afraid of something it does not know, has not experienced.  The past wants to absorb the new, make of it an experience. But can the past, which is you, experience the new, the unknown? The know can experience only that which is of itself, it can never experience the new, the unknown. By giving the unknown a name, by calling it inner solitude, you have only recognized it verbally, and the word is taking the place of experiencing; for the word is the screen of fear. The term 'inner solitude' is covering the fact, the what is, and the very word is creating fear."

    "But somehow I don't seem to be able to look at it."

    "Let us first understand why we are not capable of looking at the fact, and what is preventing our being passively watchful of it. Don't attempt to look at it now, but please listen quietly to what is being said."

    "The known, past experience, is trying to absorb what it calls the inner solitude; but it cannot experience it, for it does not know what it is; it knows the term, but not what is behind the term. The unknown cannot be experienced. You may think or speculate about the unknown, or be afraid of it; but thought cannot comprehend it, for thought is the outcome of the known, of experience. As thought cannot know the unknown, it is afraid of it. There will be fear as long as thought desires to experience, to understand the unknown."

    "Then what…?"

    "Please listen.  If you listen rightly, the truth of all this will be seen, and then truth will be the only action. Whatever thought does with the regard to inner solitude is an escape, an avoidance of what is.  In avoiding what is, thought creates its own conditioning which prevents the experiencing of new, the unknown.  Fear is the only response of thought to the unknown; though you may call it by different terms, but still it is fear.  Just see that thought cannot operate upon the unknown, upon what is behind the erm 'inner solitude'. Only then does what is unfold itself, and it is inexhaustible."

    "Now, if one may suggest, leave it alone; you have heard, and let that work as it will. To be still after tilling and sowing is to give birth to creation."  J.Krishnamurti 

    My knowing knows this is right. That somehow we have used fear to stop doing what we can't know before hand, what we can't fully understand, we place fear before it.

    If you instead use the word Unknown, about something and wait to experience it, I am sure we would do much more.  

    Imagine, Fear is a thought that steps in when it can't know.

    It, the mind, seems to be standing in the way of many unknown thrilling experiences…instead of letting us experience many different unknowns, it and our past, because it has no experiences of what would be new experiences for us, put the word fear to cover up the unknown.

    What I have found is to become friendly with the unknown….to dare to step into the unknown, regardless of the thoughts in my mind. Now, I know…when the mind doesn't know the unknown, it injects the word fear.


  • From his point of View.

    There is a separation, that comes naturally in parenting, that sometimes feels like disappointment and worry, an un-natural split.  When a child makes their own choice that is in direct opposition of what we want/dream/desire for them.  It is more about us, it is almost like we want to live our youth again, but with the wisdom of age…AND, using their lives!

    We want to spare them the consequences of choices made, the wasted years of chasing things that ended in deadends…the heartaches and struggles, perhaps we want to give them a life of heaven without the struggle to get there….taking all the fun out of living.

    My son has opted to bypass school this fall and work.  Work as a general laborer, live in unique housing and gather tons of life lessons as if he is on a crash course on Life. My husband sees his son traveling down the similar path he once traveled and wants to be his guide; the one my son will listen to and obey….but my son only hears his own ideas.

    You have to marvel at how our children's choices can push and sway us….how we literally feel the affects of their choices, when it isn't our life, but theirs.  How is it possible to feel so viserally their movements?  

    I love that our son can disappoint us. That he can feel/see and act upon HIS dream and not ours. That he is able and willing to jump out into the uncertainty with gusto and knowing.  That he is grabbing his life from us and living it!  No matter the outcome, he has got it.

    And, we (us parents) are holding the empty leash….he is gone.  I even wonder about the illusion we lived with, THINKING we had more say in his dreams and future, and in his daily living.  It seems, we are the last to know, again.

    We want the best, we want the very best, we want comfort, love, peace and joy for him….and perhaps what he is getting all that….from his point of view!  


  • Enough to Lie

    Dr. Maya Angelou wrote this about her mother…"She's very intelligent and often said she didn't fear anyone enough to lie." 

    Isn't that an interesting line.  

    Lying is when you are afraid.  

    Afraid of the other person…or you feeling your weakness with them…I guess it is the same…you are in fear.

    I didn't realize that truth speaking requires strength, self power, being fearless.

    It isn't so much about the other person, but about yourself. Are you strong enough to speak the truth?

    And, I can also see why many lie, because their power has been taken away due to various circumstances.  Which shines a light of understanding as towhy victims lie; their power has been taken away.  

    Just so interesting to me, that lying is a sign of being powerless.

    I did not know this.

    In fact, I misunderstood lying as someone trying to get away with something, or trying to fool me, pull a quick one etc…when in fact they were to afraid to tell their truth….see their truth, be with the truth.

    I love that now, I don't fear anyone enough to lie.  


  • Mismatched Folks Together

    Many years ago when I was talking to a therapist, she mentioned that in families where there has been abuse and dysfunction, you will have to rise to a social level with them, leaving behind the more familiar family interactions…to rise on the ladder of what you share, how you engage and become social…to politely say "Hi"…to no longer have a comfortable safe interaction.

    It seemed at the time like a lofty goal and even a senseless one.  I was still in the throes of complete and utter turmoil, with many relationships crashing.  How would we climb out of the hurt, anger and distrust and arrive at 'social'. And what is social? How do you feel a steady cool detached surface level politeness with a loaded history behind you?  

    What I found is that climbing the ladder out of family interaction onto the plane of social isn't comfortable or easy or even at times a desirable thing to do…complete and utter separation feels easier…and more sensible.

    Too much of my body and soul knows too much…to relax among old hurts.

    I would rather opt out…sit on the sidelines and not take the social ladder climb with old family members.

    My heart isn't in it.

    I don't know what that means?  I don't know if I care to much to settle for social or if I care even less and social is too much to ask?

    If I were to be totally frank, I would actually like to dive into the deep end, where all the mess lies and sort it out.  To hack and chop and pull and yank all the discrepancies between us. To make dysfunctional functional, by not being social but being totally frank with each other.  And, perhaps we already have been….and the answers are already given….and now social is our ledge we sit upon.

    A woman who lost her mother spoke of the PTSD affects grief has upon a person. And estrangement carries volumes of grief, especially, if it isn't just one person you are estranged from, but many.  

    I felt the PTSD feelings when confronted with family members I had not seen face to face in years….at my son's graduation party.  

    Heart racing, mind scattering, thoughts disjointed, jumpy, nerves near the surface, almost touchable…like danger was near, is how I later thought of it.  Which seemed odd…that I was unsafe.  Again, why these feelings?  It felt Iike I was being asked to be social to a rabid dog, a bitting snake….to pretend to pretend to pretend all was well. To be calm and gracious…when bells and whistles were screaming inside.

    I think, I thought, I could rise above it. I could be calm if my mind worked at it, I could overome and find a comfort feeling to be in. I could not.

    It seems the body's barometer works without regard to what I would find more comfortable, that its nervous system sends alarms all on its own.  I could not participate as a smiling hostess inside.  Inside was a three alarm fire code being announced…and I had to pretend it was not.

    Could I have spoken what was going on?  Could have responded authentically….or perhaps I did.  I steered wide and clear of what my body said was danger.  I instead sought out places of comfort with folks I felt comfortable with.

    Interesting how the body knows what it wants…regardless of what social etiquette demands.

    What was dangerous for me? Why did my body respond like that?  Why was my mind not able to convince my body to calm down and relax?  I truly do not get it, except to say that, "the body doesn't lie".

    It felt like my core was unprotected, vulnerable, open…or maybe that I had to protect and guard it.

    Not like being unseen or them being indifferent, but rather arrogant and challenging…pushing into my family. And yet they received the invite.  

    For my children have their own social life, they intermingle with their cousins…it was all appropriate…except for how it made me feel. Just interesting to witness and experience the social interactions with previous comfortable folks.

    It almost leads me to wonder or begs to be scrutinized, what did I truly feel with them before?  Were we really comfortable?  Did we fit comfy cozy together?  Did my body feel at ease with them or did we always have disjointed connections? 

    I can't see how we fit, except in a dysfunctional way, coming from such an abusive backdrop. Even on a good day, we were not normal. Perhaps we fit better, for we were all doing basically the same thing.  Now I am doing things differently…or they are different from me, regardless we are facing two different ways….as I see it.

    I wonder if their insides would feel better with me re-joining them….as much as mine feel better separated?  Do they feel better away from me?  

    I believe our body and soul know where its match is….birds of a feather flock together, except for graduation parties, showers, weddings and funeral, and then we push all sorts of mismatched folks together.


  • A Tough Pill to Swallow!

    I finally finished listening to "The Center Cannot Hold – My journey through madness" by Elyn R Saks.  

    A very interesting perspective between the woman, the illness, and her career self; how to deal with them all without having them bleeding each other.  

    And the stigma that is still attached to illnesses of the mind…and yet we 'normal' folks are dancing around the lip of insanity as well, each time we con others into believing things that are not true about ourselves…or when we are not truthful and authentic as we live our lives, and make our daily choices.

    What is considered a mind disease?  Is it not when our thoughts and our words don't match?  How often do we lie to ourselves and others, knowingly, making a choice to appear better than we are?

    From what I understood by her book, is that her psychosis was illusionary…it wasn't real.  How then can we say we are not psychotic when we step away from reality?

    It almost seems like her psychosis is equal to ours, neither of us are in reality…except she can take a pill that will push back the illusions. Is there a pill that will make us speak the truth?

    When you look at the mind illnesses and even mood illnesses, you have to wonder what causes the imbalance?  Is it reality or the way we were taught not to be there?

    I know that some in my family of origin believe that I have gone over the edge, that I have lost my mind, when I am in fact standing hip to hip with reality.  I will no longer pretend to pretend to pretend.  I am unwilling to join them in illusion, and I am seen as the problem…not that there is a real issue in reality.

    What I also found so striking in her book is her fight against the illness, due to its stigma and consequences in her life IF it were known.  Mind illnesses are so frightful to us all, we like to believe we all are always standing steady in reality, when we more often are unwilling to go there, BUT are not considered insane.

    Insane means, "not of sound mind".  What is a sound mind?  Or what is an unsound mind?

    For myself, I would say, that I was more comfortably accepted in my first 46 years of life, while I lived in illusion about many things….my family, my church and my self, compared to when I flopped out of the illusion or insanity.

    Perhaps for each family or individual, 'insanity' is objective and selective.

    What is the cost of aligning your life and your illusions? Would it cause you to feel anxious or fearful if the two were to collide and not match? How many of your friends and family are with you in the illusion?  Would it cost you your life as you know it to step out and into the truth of what you feel?

    Each time we ignore what we feel and do the opposite, we are dabbing our toes into illusion.  We are asking our minds to join us outside of reality. We do this often enough, that eventually we live there more than in reality. We have left reality and there is no magic pill to get us back. The only way back is to stand with our feelings…to honor our inner knowing, regardless to the cost or the uncomfortableness of those outside of us.

    I believe it would be harder to find folks who are one with their mind, body and soul…those who are living authentically.

    And yet we look down upon those with mental illnesses, while daily we preform all acts of mental gymnastics to spare us from reality.

    Insanity; a deranged state of mind…unsound.  I believe we are all on the spectum of being insane…and while most will not speak of it openly, but will profess behind your back your lack of stability in reality.

    Whether you will admit it or not, most of us are more comfortable with the insane than with those who are standing as one with the truth of what is.

    It appears very few want to know the truth, its sounds and echos, its feelings and knowings, more are at ease in the land of pretend.

    To bad there is not a pill that would make us all live authentically.

    An awareness pill.

    Reality…It is a tough pill to swallow!