Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Be real or Pretend

    Do we really know what being authentic means?  I felt like it was something I had to do again and again, that it isn't just like a coat you wear, but how you act…and it either lived in each moment or died.  

    In Brene Brown's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection" she writes about what her research found about being authentic.

    "Before I started doing my research, I always thought of people as being either authentic or inauthentic. Authenticity was simply a quality you had or that you were lacking.  I think that's the way most of use the term: "She's a very authentic person." But as I started to immerse myself in research and doing my own personal work, I realized that, like many desirable ways of being, authenticity is not something we have or don't have.  It's a practice – a conscious choice of how we want to live."

    "Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It's about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."

    "There are people who consciously practice being authentic, there are people who don't, and there are the rest of us who are authentic on some days and not so authentic on other days.  Trust me, even though I know plenty about authenticity and its something I work toward, if I am full of self-doubt or shame, I can sell myself out and be anybody you need me to be."

    "The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted. We feel hopeful because being real is something we value.  Most of us are drawn to warm down-to-earth, honest people, and we aspire to be like that in our own lives.  We feel exhausted because without even giving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictates everything from how much we're supposed to weigh to what our houses are supposed to look like is a huge undertaking."

    "Given the magnitude of the task at hand – be authentice in a culture that wants you to "fit in" and "people please" – I decided to use my research to develop a definition of authenticity that I could use as a touchstone. What is the anatomy of authenticity? What are the parts that come together to create an authentic self? Here is what I developed:

    Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.

    Choosing authenticity means

    • cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
    • exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
    • nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.

    Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it's hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives."  Brene

    I think most think, that being authentic means never being wrong or different, but perfect.  I found that I could only be authentic when I was imperfect.  When I allowed myself to not fit in and to not please others, but to please myself.  

    At first being authentic feels like you are purposefully hurting others and being very self centered in a negative way.  But after awhile, it is more hurtful in the long run to be inauthentic, for sooner or later, the false response will catch up to you. 

    We don't escape the circumstances we were not truthful in, we just delay responding to them.

    Overtime, all the things you neglected to deal with pile up, until your life becomes unmanageable….and at that time, it will all fall into your world to be reconciled.  

    In Bikram yoga, he will say, "Is it better to suffer 90 minutes or 90 years or 10 seconds or 10 years?"  This is how I feel about being authentic.  I would rather have an uncomfortable moment, the tough conversation, now, than to suffer pretending.

    It seem so simple to me now…..be real or pretend.


  • Another Quilt taking form…

    I wanted to finish a novel I was listening to in the mail jeep, so I brought the last CD in the house, went downstairs to listen and began playing with a quilt I had started awhile ago.  

    I first played with the water….using tulle.  It gives it great texture.  I may still add other threads…


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    I have done this once before and I like the dimension it gives off.


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    And then I began to play with a lady, I went from a dress to a bikini….in the water and out of the water.  Who knows what will end up in the water!


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    I like her hair…and even her bikini top….and the sun.  The border fabrics are much more compatible in real life.  It seems murky or off color in the picture.


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    It was a pleasant way to spend this evening, wind howling outside, and a storm brewing, a novel completed and another quilt taking form…


  • The Perfect You.

    "If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear and vulnerability."  Brene Brown

    I loved how she explained that people want to live in love, peace and joy, and they only want to know how, and NOT discuss what gets in the way.  They don't want to talk about what is uncomfortable, what they fear, what keeps them from being Happy, they just want to be happy.

    The word "gets" is an interesting choice.

    What has gotten us that keeps us from happiness?

    What has taken us away and why?

    Most want to know how to return to happiness, but not what has taken us from it in the first place.

    How did you get so far from your happiness?

    I lived so far from my own happiness, I didn't even know it was missing…

    This isn't about what others had done, but about what I allowed to lead me away from me.

    The places and moments that I left my own happiness behind.

    You can't find your happiness until you are willing to see where you lost it.  Where did it get to…

    Each time I gave up my happiness for another's love or peace, I was making a choice to leave my own happiness.  I did this so much, I wouldn't have recognized what made me happy if I came face to face with it.  But, I surely knew what to do to make others happy.

    I had to find out what stood in the way and what stood in the way was me.

    I was the one who said yes when I felt no….and said no to things I wanted.

    What stood in the way for me were all the places I allowed to get my happiness, one person, one action at a time.

    I had to get my happiness back by living as Brene says, "wholeheartedly".  By being at one with my heart and only doing what felt right for me.  I had to gather my life back and make new choices based upon how it made me feel….and to articulate my emotions with words…to be vulnerable and to set boundaries…to give my self my voice.

    So what it the path to happiness?  

    Is it being the perfect Buddhist?  

    Is it being a perfect Christian…

    Or is it just being the perfect you?



  • Body’s view of the world

    I found a very interesting article in The Sun magazine, written by Amnon Buchbinder about an interview he did with Philip Shepherd titled, "Out of Our Heads."

    Philip's book is titled, "New Self, New World: Recovering our senses in the 21st Century.

    "New Self, New World explores the implications of the little known fact that we have two brains; in addition to the familiar cranial brain in the head, there is a "second brain" in the gut.  This is not a metaphor. Scientists recognize the web of neurons lining the gastrointestinal tract as an independent brain, and a new field of medicine – neurogastroenterology – has been created to study it."

    Buchbinder: You've said that we have a misguided cultral story about what it means to be human. What does that story tell us?

    Shepherd: It tells us that the head should be in charge, because it knows the answers, and the body is little more than a vehicle for transporting the head to its next engagement.  It tells us that doing is the primary value, while being is secondary. It shapes our perceptions, actions and experiences of life. It separates us from the sensations of the body and alienates us from the world. And there is no escaping the story; it's embedded in our language, our architecture, our customs, and our hierachies.  It's like the ocean, and we are like fish who swim in it and barely notice it because we've lived with it since infancy."

    "By interpreting reality for us, stories frame and give meaning to our actions. But there's a danger to living by a story that you can't question, because you start to mistake story for reality.  And that's where my work starts – in formulating questions that can expose that story and hold it to account."

    Buchbinder:  Where did this story come from?

    Shepherd: It dates back to the Neolithic Revolution, which was underway in most of Europe by 6,000 BC and gave us a new way of living; agriculture, permanent settlements, domesticated animals. We started taking charge of our environment. When you domesticate an animal, you become like a god to it. You determine with whom it will mate, and you own its babies. You choose what it will eat and when. And you determine the moment of its death."

    "So at the start of the Neolithic Era humankind was radially altering its relationship with the world. The unforeseen consequence of that, which our culture hasn't yet begun to appreciate, is that we also began to take control of the self in ways that created within us the same divisions we were creating in our relationship with the world. If you go back to the Indo-European roots of the English language, which date from the Neolithic, you find that the word for the hub of the wheel came from the word navel. The hub is the center around which the wheel revolves. The metaphor suggests that the center of the self was located in the belly."

    "The idea of being centered in the belly shows up in many cultures – Incan, Maya. there is a Chinese word for belly that means "mind palace."  Japanese culture rests on a foundation of hara, which means "belly" and represents the seat of understanding. The Japanese have a host of expressions that use hara where we use head. We say "He's hotheaded." They say "His belly rises easily." We say, "He has a good head on his shoulders." They say, "He has a well-developed belly." 

    Buchbinder: This isn't just a semantic issue, is it?

    Shepherd: No, it's deeper. These cultural differences point out that we have lost some choice in how we experiene ourselves. Our culture doesn't recognize that hub in the belly, and most of us don't trust it enough to come to rest there.  Our story insists that our thinking happens exclusively in the head.  And we are stuck in the cranium, unable to open the door to the body and join its thinking. The best we can do is put our ear to the imaginary wall separating us from it and "listen to the body," a phrase that means well but actually keeps us in the head, gathering information from the outside. But the body is not outside. The body is you.  We are missing the experience of our own being."

    Further on in the article Buchbinder asks, "Why bring "male" and "female" into it?  Why associate "doing" with the male and "being" with the female?

    Shepherd: The terms are imperfect, certainly, because people will tend to hear "men" and "women" – but I'm not talking about men and women. I'm talking about the complementary opposites that exist in each of us. Whether you are a man or a woman, there is both a masculine aspect to your consciousness and a feminine aspect.  To come into wholeness is to realize the indivisible unity of these parts. At this point in our culture the male aspect has eclipsed the female aspect. I see this in both men and women. We have been taught to mistrust our bodies, to mistrust our intuition, to mistrust any information that is not analytical."

    "This head-based, masculine perspective gives rise to three serious misunderstandings that drive our culture; we misunderstand what intelligence is, what information is, and what thinking is. Take our understanding of intelligence. We think it's the ability to reason in an abstract fashion, something you can measure with an I Q test. So we remain blind to the impotence of reason in areas of vital concern to us.  You cannot reason your way into being present. You cannot reason your way into love. You cannot reason your way into fulfillment. If you wish to be present, you need to submit to the present, and suddenly you find yourself at one with it. You submit to love. There's a quote from the Persian mystic Rumi: "Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

    Buchbinder: If intelligence isn't abstract reasoning, what is it?

    Shepherd: It's sensitivity – specifically a grounded sensitivity, because a reactive sensitivity isn't able to integrate information. A sensitivity to music, to the flight of a swallow, to arithmetic relationship, to a child's tears – all of these are forms of intelligence. And your sensitivity isn't a static, permanent condition. Anything that increases it increases your ability to live more intelligently. Conversely, the constant noise and distractions of modern life have the opposite effect. The jackhammer you walk past on the street diminishes your intelligence by blunting your sensitivity."

    And another exchange I liked.

    "Buchbinder: So when we're confronted with tyranny, the solution you're prescribing is "self-achieved submission." But how do you deal with tyranny as a social reality? Surely the answer is not to give in to tyranny and let them have their way?"

    Shepherd: You're not surrendering to a political tyrant You are the tyrant who must descend from your fortified abode, reunite with the body's grounded sensitivity, and become aware of the world as it is, as opposed to your concept of it. The more sensitive you are to the world around you, the more responsive you are. That ability to respond is the basis of responsibility. And the actions it prompts will be a grounded means of addressing a human necessity, not a reflexive action goaded onward by an idea."

    "Ideas are seductive in their certainty and simplicity, but because any idea is a static construct, it stands independent of the present. To give your allegiance to an idea is to turn away from the connected intelligence of your being.  I think the most dangerous people in the world are those who feel their ideas about the world more keenly than they feel the world itself, because they will be disconnected from what is in front of them and can act only out of their fantasy. Holding fast to an idea, because it's frozen, also promises to excuse you from having to change. But harmony requires us to change along with the whole.  If you open yourself to the hum of the world – if you live in the present rather than in your idea of it – it will change you."

    Buchbinder: When I took your workshop. I found it interesting that, although many of the participants were teachers of practices like yoga or Pilates, they didn't necessarily have an easier time doing your exercises than I did.

    Shepherd: A lot of those wonderful body-work practices still emphasize how important it is to "listen" to the body. My work is not about "listening to the body." It's aobut listening to the world through the body. Once you come to rest in the body, you come to rest in the wholeness that is the trembling world itself…."

    What I love about this article is that it affirms my journey of finding my way via my insides…by gut instinct and feelings in my belly. That is all.

    I didn't have the intellectual ideas that I followed, and most often I had to toss out the previous 'intelligence' I had gone by, for it all was based upon something that wasn't found in reality.  If my belly felt upset or anxious or nervous or more often terrified and in fear, I moved away.  I let my body lead me and my mind often fought and argued with my body, but I had learned to respect my body's wisdom after failing to hear its cries of fear of my father.

    My experience is that reality is found listening to the body's view of the world.

  • Watching my Mind.

    What I learned about Meditation last night was that it wasn't about sitting still and having no thoughts, but to watch your thoughts.  To "tame" the mind so to speak…although, I believe it is more about taming ourselves.  She suggested that the more you can see your thoughts and not act upon them, the more choices you have to act….I agree.

    What I also heard was that we have been taught to follow the mind, and now we will unlearn that….by meditating and watching what our thoughts are saying…just watching them come and go and feeling how we feel with each thought.

    This makes more sense to me than my previous idea of meditation was to have no thoughts or to just be with your breath.  

    What I heard last night was to be with it all and be aware.

    I may start sitting with my thoughts and watching my mind.

  • Walk for Me!

    After reading and blogging about minding the gap or the value gap, it came to me that I have a fairly large gap left in my life, a very personal one, my body; where my aspirations for my self and my actions are space fairly far apart.  The ideas in my head are disengaged from my actions.

    I was on the Stop Only Sugar Diet until I fell off, I did yoga daily, until I stopped…it is my personal care where I am valueless.  Meaning my aspirations are not being followed by actions.

    What is really interesting is that I have great care to be full of integrity for others, but will allow a wide gap between the me inside.  I either don't take seriously my aspiration or I feel it is okay to let slip actions that only I will be disappointed.

    I believe that I will have to act my way towards my aspirations…I will walk to close the gap so I am not so disengaged in self care.

    I have been toying with the idea of doing yoga again.  My legs, back and joints are in dire need.  My body has grown fluffy and soft and not so limber…and I miss the very personal one on one time with my self and the way it felt to be so caring.

    The sugar is my other self defeating culprit, that beckons me and pulls me away from my aspirations to be healthier.

    I know that I would never allow myself to fall down on my word with others as I do with myself.

    I need to start walking my way to my self, one meal, one yoga session at a time.

    I need to be with me inside….where my dreams for me and my actions for me match at least most of the time.  Now, I seem to think my actions will go unnoticed by my aspiring mind, that my dreams will wait forever…and that someday, like magic my actions will change.

    This is an area of great neglect by me and one that I am the only one who notices or pays the price of this wide gap.

    It is time for me to close the gap, by walking towards my aspirations…strong, healthy, limber…showing respect and value towards my body.

    I am its only caretaker…each step I take will widen the gap or close it.

    There is a gap or void inside of me….a space full of talking/ wishing / dreaming…and no actions.

    Interesting how I feel disengaged with myself even and the more I talk and the less I walk the more disconnected I feel. Who knew that even our own words to our self, when broken, builds a gap where we become fractured.

    It is time I start minding the gap inside of me…and walk for me!


  • Culture of their Worlds

    In writing a letter to the woman of the OLAC, I completely see how we see things differently and yet 'right' from our own points of view.  It isn't that she sees it wrongly, but how right it seems shining through the lens of faith.  

    I didn't get this.

    I couldn't see how it was to not see, except through the beliefs of faith.

    She can no more see what I see than I can now pretend to pretend the rightness of her religion or my old one.

    It left us with no common ground…at least that I can see.

    In reading the book, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, she writes about culture…

    "The way we do things around here," or culture, is complex.  In my experience, I can tell a lot about the culture and values of a group, family, or organization by asking ten questions."

    1. What behaviors are rewarded? Punished?

    2. Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)?

    3. What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored?

    4. Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need?

    5. What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up?

    6. What stories are legend and what values do they convey?

    7. What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake?

    8. How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived?

    9. How prevalent are shame and blame and how are they showing up?

    10. What's the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized, or is there a high premium put on comfort (and how does that look)?

    "In each of the following sections I'll talk about how these play out in our lives and what specifically I look for, but first I want to talk about where this line of questioning leads us."

    "As someone who studies culture as a whole, I think the power of these questions is their ability to shed light on the darkest areas of our lives: disconnection, disengagement and our struggle for worthiness. Not only do these questions help us understand the culture, they surface the discrepancies between "what we say" and "what we do," or between the values we espouse and the values we practice.  My dear friend Charles Kiley use the term "aspirational values" to describe the elusive list of values that reside in our best intentions, on the wall of our cubical, at the heart of our parenting lectures, or in our companies vision statement. If we want to isolate the problems and develop transformation strategies, we have to hold our aspirational values up against what I call our practiced values – how we actually live, feel, behave and think. Are we willing to walk our talk? Answering this can get very uncomfortable."  Brene

    What I see as the culture of the church….whether it be the FALC or the OLAC, is how they have aspirational goals but the practiced values are far off the mark.

    How curious it would be to see what the culture of our families are by how we act and not by what we aspire to….

    I can viserally feel the culture of the church and the lack of morals and values they aspire to, just in the way their words are not met with actions.

    What would the churches answers be to the ten questions above?  What is the culture of the families?

    Will the culture show the discrepancies between what they say and what they do?

    It is the discrepancy that I have issues with… words and actions are not matching.

    It is hard for me to be with folks whose words and actions don't match….

    I used to give them the benefit of the doubt when their words sounded kinder and with morals and values, even if their walks were way off…now, I go by actions alone.

    Describing what they are doing will show you the culture of their worlds.

     

  • Breeding Evil.

    "Faith, minus mystery and uncertainty, equals extremism."  Brene Brown

    I was raised in a religion that was certain of many things and never flirted with uncertainty…

    They knew for instance what sins were and what would stop you from entering heaven, what was evil and what constituted high moral ground. I would almost say, they knew more about the bad than what was good or what was right, perhaps, what was moral.

    In being re-introduced to this type of religion, via my visit with a woman whose faith is in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, I feel the affects of this moral paradox when it sits juxtaposition with the laws of the land, how they are not mutually inclusive.

    In the "Faith", one has to forgive their abuser for abusing them and even ask for forgiveness, and then life goes on a normal, well, almost.  The pedophile actually gets a clean slate, and is now heaven ready, while the victim is left perhaps in a worse condition.  

    The victim is often shunned for 'exposing' sins or talking negatively about someone, and even tainting the pure image of the church and its high moral values.  And, once this sin is forgiven, IT SHOULD BE FORGOTTEN, so each time it comes back into your awareness, you are dredging up and holding grudges against someone for behaviors that were forgiven.  You are weak, IF you cannot become instantly friendly and trusting of him again.  You are holding his sins against him.  

    There are NO expectations within the church and its ministers and members to take this sin to the Law of the Land.  None.  It never leaves the private meetings between the abuser and his victims.  Nothing happens but wiping clean the slate of a man who has abused for generations…he returns back to his life and they to theirs.

    I would call this behavior extreme in its lack of reaction.

    I had to look up extremism…

    "One who advocates or resorts to measures beyond the norm."

     "A tendency or disposition to go to extremes or an instance of going to extremes, especially in political matters."

    This collective accomplicity is astounding.

    How is it that a group of people who base their lives upon living outside of evil perform such evil acts?

    I know, some will call me an extremist, but come on people.  They have a known pedophile and many victims and NO ONE ever suggests or demands, the pedophile be brougt to trial.  It is like the laws of the land are secondary to the laws of the church, and adult members of this sect, conspire to agree.

    I mean really…a man who has for decades and decades been free to abuse, is blessed and set free once again, when you have proof in the room of his sexual desires  are for little girls…and you call yourselves people with high moral values and shelter yourselves from the evils of the world….REALLY?

    Evils of the world like TV, make-up, birth control, music, etc, while entertaining and keeping quiet the activities of a man who abuses little girls.

    When your preachers knowingly witness the account of abuse and do nothing, they are willingly aiding and abetting a known pedophile and endangering the lives of innocent children and standing in contempt of the law.

    And, you members look up to and respect these men.

    Really?

    How in the world can you all say you are of high morals and values when the lives of innocent children mean nothing. When you willingly and knowingly return a pedophile to roam among the children again?

    Is this extremism?  Is your behavior beyond the line of norm? What makes the church extreme to me IS the lack of moral code to eradicate abusers in your midst…where instead you all join a tight circle of silence.

    In fact, the woman I spoke to had a bit of remorse or second thoughts of giving me his name. The man is dead, and she is still protecting his 'good' reputation.  My head swirls with the lack of normal reactions.

    Why these men and women are not running over each other to report evil is beyond my comprehension?  Why when they 'protect' their children from all manner of sin, do they let the mother of all evil flourish, is way beyond the realm of understanding or logic.

    I even told this woman, that I could more easily understand my father doing what he did, than I could understand the reactions of the church people.  

    It is the sheer contradiction of what they profess in comparison to how they act that leaves you breathless.

    How is it that these 'good' people act so extremely unflinching when they hear about abuse within their families and church communities?  How is it that they are quick to shun you if you don't believe like they do, but not shun someone who hurts little girls/boys?

    What stops them from demanding of their preachers to kick these guys off the boards and out of the pulpits, and to drag their sorry butts to the law of the land?

    How is it that they will compliantly accept the unacceptable?

    This is completely enthralling and terrifying to say the least…where all it takes for evil to flourish is for a few good men to do nothing...says Ellie Wiesel.

    "This is a criminal disease that perpetuates itself exponentially from generation to generation"…says Tom Rosemurgy.

    We all need to be concerned, for when these extreme churches are in our communities, they are breeding evil. 

     



  • Back into Me.

    I still have leaky borders, where my responsibility leaks out into another's life and I have a hard time being present in mine. I felt burdened and weighed down and had less energy for my world…regardless I headed downstairs to quilt today.

    I used to think that I quilted when my world became too hard to handle, and I did…but I could see now that it brought me to be present and even how its therapy wasn't to express myself but to get me out of the swirling thoughts.  

    It wasn't like I was depressed, but I was darkened.  I was unable to enjoy the mundane things in life, for a fog of thoughts flowed with me, keeping me from being clear and present in my peaceful home and life….while pondering abuse rippling outward in another church.  And, what could I do, knowing the mindset was similar to mine, etc.

    Sundays are my Art days, the days where I am free to let go of life's chores and just get lost. Today, I was short fabric…I could create the center, the sky, water and shore, but I didn't have enough to complete a whole new piece….and, then I broke my darning foot that I use for free motion quilting…well it was fractured, I still managed to quilt but handicapped.  It seemed that the easy flow in my Art was choppy as much as my thoughts….like I wasn't comfortably at one with my Art…like I was barely able to hide from what was troubling me….

    My husband wanted to take a ride, and I wondered if we would talk about the abuse, or would I be able to let it go and just enjoy nature….I did.  It just was too nice a day to pour out conversation, he could do nothing about….

    Here are some shots along Lake Superior…the shoreline between Gay and Lac La Belle….
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    As you can see, pristine snow and perfect sky. The temps were just above 20…


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    Nature pulled me to itself time and time again.  Breath taking in its quiet self.
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    A jeep, a quiet peaceful man….and a Sunday ride.

    We were gone about 4 hours and I came home restored and centered.  The date, nature and art brought me back to center…in my life.


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    You could hear the waves or the water….sounds of Spring, even though it looks like mid-winter.


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    You can see Mt. Bohemia in the distance.  We ate the Bear Belly and hope to watch skiers, but the hill closed at 4pm.

    What I learned today, it is helpful to do Art when life's question overwhelm you…and to get dressed up and go out for a ride, to force yourself to leave your troubles behind.  It doesn't make you less responsible, but more.  Responsible for your own mental health, your own life…it puts you back to you…and you gain perspective and separation.

    It was good to see how easily the evil or bad of the world can seep into your life, and how it is at that time, crucial to become 'irresponsible' and leave your troubling thoughts behind and jump into this moment of time…even force yourself to do what you love to do, where you know your peace, love and joy is found.  Go there…and be filled.


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    I found, there wasn't anyone in my present day, asking me for help. 

    There is a flow to helping…

    My role may just be to listen…and to share my experience, but it is also to live my life well.  If, I am to be a conduit to exposing abuse, it will happen.  My role will unveil itself with ease.  

    I let go…albeit reluctantly…and forced myself back into me!



  • A place I used to call Home.

    I had the opportunity to visit a woman who could easily be me…and I recalled Tom Rosemurgy's question about what anyone outside of my religion could have said or done to make me awaken or to realize how blind I was…how brainwashed.  I too wonder what it would take to make this women see life without the curtain of her religion.

    I wondered IF there was anything I could have said to release her grip of fear about anything not sanctioned by her church.

    It was so vastly interesting to hear her speak and how her language was defined by the churches beliefs and even more shocking to see the hide and seek between awareness and blindness.

    How she would willingly show me her life, but then her awkward response to it…all heavy with the ropes of her faith.

    The paradox between what would literally make a difference and what her faith dictates is so completely insane and yet she justifies it through the eyes of her church.

    I am not certain I can even paint the picture of this but it showed me, me. 

    How it literally is to know, but not know.

    To fully believe in the power of forgiveness of sins, how reality comes in second each and every time, how self is held its prisoner under their free will. The subtle switching between fully being in reality and then quickly hiding behind the curtains of forgiveness of sins.

    She showed me her abuser, and then showed me how the church addressed him and his deeds and how the victims were made to not only bless him, but ask him to bless them.  He and his actions were brought into the light from the shadows of secret silences of many, and then it was not to be spoke of.

    It is this insidious now you see it and now you don't distortion of reality that slowly drives you insane, where your grip on reality is very weak…and your strength is with what is not even possible.

    This is the first victim I have spoken to from the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church…and I left feeling overwhelmed by the information.  Not only the sheer numbers affected, but the way the church handles the pedophiles in their mix, and even more heavy the way good law abiding church members go along.

    Without outside intervention this cloistered sexual abuse nest continues to infect themselves, generation by generation…held captive by the churches staunch belief that you can stop, eradicate or end behaviors that are immune to the forgiveness of sins.

    While I can fully appreciate that this woman did her best, she failed remarkably…in exposing this man to the law of the land…instead they deal only with God's law…believing that they must forgive him and his actions…or they will go to Hell.

    They fear hell while living in it.

    It showed me the lack of progress within the church, the lack of safety for the children who live within the families of their members, inasmuch as I feel for those from the church I exited…

    But, I can totally understand how the brainwashed are doing the best they can with the brains they live with.

    You truly can't expect them to be clear minded.

    Coming from whence she came, her past sexual abuse and her indoctrination into this religion, you simply can't expect anything more.

    And that is the most frightening….they are inbreeding more and more blindness and more and more abuse.

    Its cycle is unbroken due to lack of outside intervention.

    Abuse thrives due to the blindness…the blindness continues due to the abuse.

    I left asking myself what will it take to show them how insane their behavior is…when it is all they have ever known.

    And to fear hell while living in hell, is actuall to fear Heaven while in Hell.

    I mean how much more hellish can life get where you are within a community that does nothing to the men who have a long reign of abuse, where there are generations of children they have access to, and all you can do is bless them, that is your only option.

    You are not allowed to venture to the police or go for help.

    And, you are afraid of Hell???

    That seems like a foreign land to me, thankfully so.  It seems like a completely insane Faith and a extremely hard lifestyle to live.

    What will shatter their blindness, what will it take to arouse them out of their deep sleep, if little children being raped and fondled….is not enough. 

    Honest, it blows my mind.  THEY know….but then cover it up….keep it within the confines of the church. Their preachers believe that they will go to jail if they don't deal with it….via the forgiveness of sins, of making it right. Little do they know, they all should be in jail for knowing and not bringing the man to the law.

    And, to get the Hell Fearing folks to step out of their religion to help with this…well it seems completely impossible. For they fear hell awaits outside of their faith.

    What is this Faith I want to scream. Faith in What?  Faith in believing you can flip reality? That you can make a pedophile not be one, by using words?  

    I caught of glimpse of the insane landscape of brainwashed religion….a place I used to call home.