I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • My Little Girl Inside.

    The book, "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes is full of insightful passages into the dynamics and intricacies in the journey of abuse.  Incredible in the trajectory of our lives, by our bond with our abuser.

    A bond that isn't consciously formed or even visible…yet its magnetic force field lives our lives for us…like an addict, we are drawn.

    While I know I have witnessed the insane attraction; it leaves me breathless in the way it was constructed…and how we appear powerless and hopeless as we dance bonded to the one who betrayed us.

    What I failed to appreciate was the addictive aspects AND the strength of the bond…even though I have felt its strength not only in myself but in others.

    It appears to be a lightly made choice to be loyal to a family member, while masquerading as their drug of choice.

    What I had felt and even tried to articulate was that my drug was my family.  It seemed like a complete juxtaposition, but my wellness depended upon me breaking that bond.

    A bond that was formed and created from the toxic combination of kindness and abuse.

    I have more respect for a married man to ask a woman (not his wife) for a date, rather than to groom and smoothly subtly court himself into an affair.  For clearly the woman would be aghast to be asked out by a married man….but, a 'friendship' that is slowly brewed is not so easily detected as the dance of a courtship with a married man.  His 'kindness' has an agenda…which is the mask that hides his betrayal.

    The bond that is created is laced with kindness while injected with abuse.

    The betrayal is when the 'kindness' isn't what it is was set out to be…

    The grooming and courtship that most abusers put out first is the bond…a bond of trust, faith and love…and it is made to withstand the abuse.  They not only rely and depend upon it, but will shame you for pointing out their 'faults'…when there is so much more 'kindness' than the one small infraction.

    Just as my father's supporters rallied and presented his hardworking ways, his never asking for anything for himself, for supporting financially his 14 children by clothing and feeding us.  Failing to bring in the cost of his abuse towards his daughters and the consequences for all who lived in his home.

    The bond isn't that that abuse is laced with kindness, but rather the opposite. There first is formed a kindness that appears to be solid gold…and then a small speck of abuse is added.  

    What most will fail to bring into their awareness IS that this kindness and trust gathering, confidence building, faithful courtship HAS to be in place first…in order for their abuse to happen.

    Abusers are the master manipulators in setting us up. Setting things up.  Working the landscape for their benefit.  It isn't about us, but themselves.

    There was one key question I thought, well actually many in this book, but one that stood out.  Who would it affect most and how, if you broke off the relationship?

    Isn't that an interesting question?

    Especially when you look at the toll it has taken on your life.

    How would your life be better without this relationship…?

    Looking back at my life, I can clearly see the cost it had on my life to remain in a relationship with my father and my mother…as well as many of my siblings.

    What wasn't so clear to me was the betrayal bonds that I had and how they were like addictions and how hard it was to break free of them and be in peace, love and joy.

    The inability to be free… was the huge key in knowing I was bonded.

    Here are a few signs he writes about whether trauma bonds exist in your life.

    "when you obsess abut people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to)

    when you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain

    when you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you

    when you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive

    when you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you

    when you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable

    when you ae unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships

    when you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care

    when you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away

    when you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen

    when you are loyal to people who have betrayed you

    when you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse

    when you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility

    He also goes on to write….

    "Trauma Bonds as Addictive"

    "How do trauma bonds become addictive?  The answer is in the same way other addictions work.  The criteria for addiction are the following."

    1. Compulsivity: loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior

    2. Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences such as loss of health, job, marriage, or freedom

    3. Obsession with the behavior

    What I didn't know, is that being in relationships with those who abused you was an addiction itself.  I however, felt the pull and hardship as I exited the relationships.

    It was like a withdrawl from a very strong substance, AND like an alcoholic, I wasn't allowed one little sip or taste and I felt it would have me falling off the wagon.  

    I quit smoking over 23 year years ago, and in that time I have not put a cigarette to my lips nor take even one drag….for that is all it would take to have me bonded to the butts again.

    I feel the same way about the engagement with my abusive family…

    Just as I understood the harmful consequences of smoking, I also now know the abject impact those relationships would have on my life.

    And, the cost is just way too high.

    What I would lose the most is my inner sense of peace, love and joy for my self, my soul and my essence.  I would betray the very soul of me.

    Knowing this keeps me away.

    I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me to be once again pulled into the tangled web of abuse laced with kindness.  What a deadly combination.

    You want the kindness…but it comes trailing abuse.

    I had said in the very early days of finding out my father was a pedophile, of knowing it to the depth of my being….to pick one. The father or the pedophile.

    The kindness or the abuse.

    What I would say, is that it is a pretend kindness for running unchecked and out of control is the call of abuse, the desire and addiction to take what he wants without regard to the cost it will leave behind on the victim.

    A married man doesn't see his wife, his kids or even the woman he is cheating with, all he sees is himself.  A pedophile doesn't see beyond his tortured desires. 

    I was the complete opposite of these two….I didn't see my own needs.

    Again, the questions "Who will suffer the most when the relationship ends?"

    Surely not the person who is being hurt the most…but rather the one who gained the most at its inception.

    While it appeared that I lost a lot by leaving so many relationships behind, I was actually gaining one that I had never even seen.  My relationship with me.

    Martha Beck in her book "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World" writes about how we have each have a purpose for our lives and all things will serve that purpose.

    In the past, my purpose was to please my abusers….to perhaps promote and contribute to their lives and happiness, while disregarding mine.  I was a people pleaser without a core value to call my own.

    I also recall very early on putting out a decree "I will go forth with Love, Peace and Joy".

    In all my choices from that moment on had to feel right by me.

    They had to match those feelings inside of me.  If, I felt at all twitchy or anxious, that was the wrong choice FOR me.

    That is how the bond was broken.  I made a bond with my spirit; my little girl inside.





  • Reconnected with my Soul.

    I wondered about knowing your own self worth…is it possible to be full of great wisdom, love, compassion, caring, etc and not know it?  Can a person really not see themselves and their gifts?  Where does self worth come from and how is it so easily overlooked?

    What is self worth?  Is it to see your self with your own eyes and can you do this objectively, or is there a flimy residue of past neglect covering you up?

    I have read that children see themselves through their parent's eyes….(in Alice Miller's books). That how our mother's look at us, is how we learn to see ourselves.

    Is that true?

    But, I also have witnessed people who were abused, and how they see themselves as only valuable when they are 'in use' by others. That they themselves have very little use for themselves in their own life. Their value lies strictly in how much other people need them.

    So, if you come from a very self absorbed mother who didn't see you, you will not see your self either.  And, if your father abused you, HE seen you as his desire…not yours.

    I just wonder when or how we get to our own view of self?

    What has to happen before we can see our own self worth?

    I guess for me, it was when I could clearly see I wasn't seen.

    I felt completely worthless in their eyes.

    I was reduced to nothing.

    I then had to re-build myself.

    My sense of self worth was an inside job and often times I was rediculed by others, and hollered at for choices I made while creating a self that was worth something.

    Even today, this self I now have, isn't always accepted or appreciated or even liked, by others, let alone understood, but inside, the way I see me…I like me.  I love my strength and convictions, my knowings and my feelings.  I am a peace with who I am.  I feel worthy, being me.

    My old view was with my mother's eyes and my worth, was how I was used…and I discovered I was solely used by her to keep her story going, to keep her 'family' together, to keep abuse far and wide from our lives, while abuse worked behind the scenes stealing the worth of each and every child.

    My mother had wrote about me, "Picking up the stragglers" in our family….like my task was to make things 'right' after the damage was done, to fix things, to make them okay again.  And, if I failed, I wasn't giving enough, trying hard enough, doing enough.

    I recall one night laying in my bed and feeling the enormity of their (my parent's) damage, how it not only affect our lives, but our childrens lives.  How it was so far beyond my reach of fixing…sobbing, shaking to the point of losing it, I let it all go.

    Let go of my responsibility for fixing the mess I did not create.

    I disappeared…for I was shown how helpless I really was…without a use. 

    Not only was I abused, but I wasn't going to be able to fix anyone…

    Abuse's insidious energy had completely overwhelmed our family….leaving behind worthless feelings, rising against guilt and shame.  And yet, they (siblings) rallied on, working to make their family right by not seeing yet again…or seeing it through my mother's eyes.

    The cycle completes itself.  Children who are not seen, will not see their children.

    Children who are not seen have no value…unless they are fixing their parents lives.

    This spinning hurricane of worthlessness not stopping…just seemingly to gain more energy as they worked to keep our family 'right'.

    While they were busy shoring up my father's/mother's life, they neglected to see, yet again, their own.

    Their sense of self worth is extracted by what they do for others…never minding at what cost to themselves.

    My journey could be classified with this quote,  "The path into light seems dark, the path forward seems indirect, the direct path seems long…the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish."

    Is the journey recovering your own self worth?

    Who is responsible for it?

    Where will you find it?

    How will you know it?

    When I seen my worth in my mother's eyes, I knew how empty I was…I had done very little for me.

    I have spent the last 8 years filling up my self.


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    For, if your only value is outside of yourself, you can only see you in their eyes.  It will be impossible to see your self, for you eyes are always turned outward to find your worth.

    My own eyes could not see me.  I only judged me by how others reacted or needed me.  They owned me and gave me value.

    And, coming from dysfunction or abuse or co-dependent living, you will have to disappoint and become value less in their eyes in order to regain your worth.

    "If I gained the world…but, lost the Savior…" comes to mind.  I reconnected with my Soul.



  • Living Truth

    "We owe the truth, not just the facts. I’m celebrating my 84th year on this planet. I’ve seen many things. I’ve learned many things. I’ve certainly been exposed to many things and I’ve learned something: I owe it to you, to tell you."        Maya Angelou

    When do we owe it to the other person to tell the truth?  Does this change from person to person? Are some more worthy than others?  Does it depend upon the relationship?  Who decides when you give up all your truth or just a portion?

    I love the sentiment that I owe it to you.  That it is up to me to give you all of me…and that it is my responsibility, not yours.  Our relationship's value depends upon how much I give…or how much I withhold.

    Martha Beck writes about truth in her book, "Finding Your Way in a Wild New World."

    "One of the most consistent themes among all human wisdom traditions is the teaching "The truth shall set you free."  But Westerners tend to believe that the truth is a mental or verbal story, a set of facts laid out in words. Eastern wayfinders and many other indigenous cultures, on the other hand, go to great lengths reminding students that "the finger that points to the moon is not the moon," that words are merely the vehicle to carry us toward the experience of truth. The words themselves are not truth. They are the product of a dualistic mind-set that's necessary for language but meaningless in the nondualist Everywhen. Truth itself is something you live, not something you think." 

    I totally get this.  The truth cannot be hidden or changed or erased with words, but that words no matter how sweetly spoken are nothing compared to movement…truth flows from how we live, not what we say.

    Truth is something we live, not what we think.  It isn't a thought in your head that can be changed and manipulated.

    In my old religion, the tactic of the forgiveness of sins, was to change the thoughts in your head, but it had zero impact on the truth…No amount of forgiveness (words) will change what has happened, ever…no matter how strongly you believe and have faith, nothing can un-ring a bell or undo what has been done.

    Martha Beck's definition of forgiveness is, giving up all hope that the past could have been any different.  This is what I have faith in…accepting what is. It now seems incredibly mental, but not in a way of being mentally challenged, but that the FALC was built upon and stands upon the very thing that is impossible to do; changing reality.

    They depend upon this like it is their life blood, their path to heaven is paved with the sentiment of forgiveness of sins.  Funny, they never try and erase or delete happy loving movements, only the ones that are not kind and hurtful.

    The juxtaposition between my old definition of forgiveness, wiping away movement, actions and words, and my new one, "Giving up all hope of changing the past"….leave me in a world where I am at peace, no matter what happens.  For what happens is living truth.

    "No matter how difficult and painful it may be, nothing sounds as good to the soul as the truth."  Martha Beck


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  • What Possibilities?

    "Neuroscientists have found that this "edge of impossibility" is when the brain produces its maximum doses of feel-good hormones like dopamine.  It's where we find what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi famously labeled "flow", and where Ellen Langer found the intensely restorative, age-reversing quality of "mindfulness." It pushes us to such intense concentration that we enter the present moment, put down thought, and enter Wordlessness…"  Martha Beck in "Finding Your Way in a Wild New World."

    How often do you live on the edge of impossibilities…where you attempt the impossible? Where you leave the wide space of possible to venture near the impossible?

    I sat down or was pushed to the edge of impossible by the sheer force of becoming aware that what I had thought was a possibly okay life, was actually a massive legacy of abuse…with nowhere to go; I was shoved to the shores of impossible.

    I could no longer live in my old life, for it wasn't possible to be okay with what was littered all about, NOR did I feel comfortable or confident on the edge of impossible.

    Impossible loomed like a huge slippery unknown mountain…and I, in-between it and my dysfunctional past.  I knew there was nothing I could do in my past, nothing I could change or correct…and yet I knew nothing about doing the impossible either….and yet I had.

    I had for 46 years built a 'normal life' out of dysfunction.  I made fathers from pedophiles, and mothers from an ostrich, I was actually quite creative in my mind…but, this new edge of impossibilities was to create me out of my past.

    A Me that seemed impossible to define….and yet I knew I wasn't defined by my past…and yet I was made up of it.

    It was thrilling, exciting and deafening terrifying.  To leave all you have ever known to head into all that is unknown. To tear down who you were to become who you are.

    Inside me was this alive wiggly alert growing self…who was curious to know who it was…for the false me was built out of abuse…I was just a newer version of an old pattern…but not uniquely me.

    Me?

    who was I really?

    My brother spoke of the sentiment of "What's the Use…" 

    It is often a feeling of hopelessness or giving up, of not caring.  And, I would say, that we are forced to give up and be in this hopeless not caring state in abuse. We can't care, for it is futile.  So, we learn to live with those feelings humming along.

    And, even make this what's the use state our 'natural' state of being.

    We feel 'useful' when we are being used….and when not, 'tossed aside and useless'…sadly our self worth grows the more we are used.

    If you then take the statement "What is the Use" and turn it into an empowering statement, it can be seen as what is the use for me.  How can I serve or be of use to the Universe? What are my gifts?  How can I use me?

    Flipping this switch from being used….to using can take years in the making.

    It is to switch completely inside out. To live your life from the insides…what you want and desire, compared to being wanted and desired.

    You will go from living behind other people's ideas of you to start living your ideas of you.

    It forces you to live in on the edge of impossibilities and dreams.

    For, no one is ahead of you telling you what to do, you are having to dream up your life.  You are no longer following the pattern set by your parents, your church, your abuser, but you will become the fashioner of your life.

    You are the art and the artist…without a pattern to follow.

    You are the edge of impossibilities.

    It is wildly liberating and extremely daunting to know you are the only one who is leading your life.  No one to blame, no one to hold responsible for the choices you are making, you are living beyond the pattern in the wide open space of pure potential.

    Or as Rumi said, "Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."

    Coming from the structure of abuse, where we are used and it is not an option to have our ideas and our desires met, we learn to live the life of being used…and when we leave there, we don't know our own use. "What's the Use?"

    I guess that is the second question…behind, who am I?

    What is my use?

    Oprah has sent up a prayer each day saying "use me" to God.

    Imagine being used by the Universe….what possibilities?

  • Wordlessness…

    "Wordlessness shifts consciousness out of the verbal part of the brain and into the more creative, intuitive, and sensory brain regions. Which is more powerful? Well, the verbal region processes about forty bits of information per second. The nonverbal processes about eleven million bits per second."  

    Martha Beck writes about this in her new book, "Finding You Way in a Wild New World."

    "Wounded into Wordlessness."

    "Sometimes it takes a radical event to reawaken you into the inner voice that's always telling you what decisions to make, what to embrace and what to avoid, how to steer through various inner and outer situations. This happened to Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist at Harvard Medical School, when, at the age of thirty-seven, she had a massive stroke that wiped out the speech center in the left hemisphere of her brain. An expert in neurology, she was able to observe her own horrific experience with clinical precision, but it took her eight long years of grueling effort to rebuild her verbal functions so that she could describe the event in words. Immediately after the stroke she didn't even recognize her own mother, or know what the word "mother" meant."

    "This would have been tragic if it hadn't been so illuminating. You see, as Taylor lost her ability to think verbally, she gained the experience of a human mind freed from language. And that, it turned out, was worth having."

    "I felt enormous and expansive," Taylor recounted later, in a TED talk you should watch (Google "Jill Bolte Taylor TED talk").  "My spirit soared free lie a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria." Before her stroke, Taylor "knew" herself to be "a single individual separated from the energy flow around (her) and separated from (others)."  But when her verbal brain shut down, she found herself knowing, with equal if not greater conviction, that she lived in a universally interconnected universe in which "we are perfect. We are whole. And we are beautiful."

    "This is precisely the kind of thing we hear from menders of all cultures: Wordlessness allows us to see our true nature, and to heal from the violence of a thought system that cuts us apart, destroying compassion for ourselves and others…."

     "Unlearning To Be Brilliant."

    "To master Wordlessness, heal your true nature, and become a wayfinder, you must unlearn almost everything you were taught in school about what it means to be intelligent. The sharp focus you were told to sustain is actually a limiting, stressful, narrow, attention field – something animals only use in the moment of "fight or flight". Dropping into Wordlessness moves the brain into its "rest and relax" state. This affects the whole body, releasing a flood of hormones that helps repair and heal your body, relaxes your muscles, and puts you into a deep stillness, with expressionless face and soft eyes. Because you're paying attention to so much nonverbal sensory data, you may not respond verbally to comments or questions from other people when you're wordlessly "in the moment."

    "In our culture, gazing into the middle distance, ignoring language, and reacting only to genuine social interactions, physical feelings, and emotions is interpreted as laziness or stupidity. This is one reason we're so plagued by unhappiness and illness.  Yet when you drop into Wordlessness, you may find that not paying attention to words is a delicate, sophisticated, and at first difficult skill. You won't be good at it without a lot of practice.  I don't mean mere repetition, but something psychologists call "deep practice."

    "Deep-Practicing Wordlessness"

    "Scientists have recently discovered that we physically restructure our brains when we learn new skills, especially when we use a learning process known as "deep practice." Deep practice is more than simply repeating something over and over.  In deep practice, we aim for a precise experience, at first "getting it" only in brief flashes, then repeating the effort until we can perform the skill reliably. Wayfinders of all cultures deep-practice dropping into wordlessness whenever they need to orient themselves, to figure out what they should do next or which direction to go."

    "You'll find sever methods of dropping into Wordlessness in this chapter. Remember you can't learn them by reading about them. Trying to understand Wordlessness by reading is like trying to understand skydiving by drawing parachutes. Please, actually try the exercises. In fact deep-practice them.  You'll know they're working when you begin feeling flickers of peace, calm and safety.  You'll become more aware of the subtle clues informing you about your surroundings, about other people's feelings and intentions.  You'll want to make choices according to your own perceptions rather than whatever people are telling you. You don't have to start acting differently – not all at once – but you'll begin to figure you how you wish you could act. Persist long enough, and you'll be able to stretch the moments of total clarity into minutes and eventually hours.  If you want to be at true wayfinder the will come when you remain in a Wordless state most of the time."

    "Techniques for Dropping Into Wordlessness: The Paths to Stillness."

    Le'ts start with the best-known ways of reaching wordlessness, which I call the paths of stillness. They involve – follow the logic closely here – sitting still. Meditation, which was regarded as bizarre by most Americans, during my childhood, is now something many of us feel we should be doing, the way we feel we should stop eating sugar and organize our shopping receipts.  If you love to meditate, good for you! Keep it up! But if meditation holds the same appeal for you as water-soluble medical fiber, try one of the techniques below. They're very simple, which shouldn't be confused with easy. Persist at deep-practicing these techniques until you feel flickers of softness, expansion and peace. Then practice holding the sensation longer and longer."

    I am only going to write one….here Martha lists 3 in her book.

    "Path of stillness: Follow your bloodstream."

    "This method, which one of my teachers learned from the tracker Tom Brown Jr. is supposedly an Apache technique for putting the mind in a state of Sacred Silence. It's my personal favorite way of dropping into wordlessness.

    1. Take a few deep, full breaths.

    2. Exhale completely, and pause before inhaling.

    3. In the space before you need to breathe in again, focus your attention on your heart until you can feel it beating. This may take up to a minute.

    4. Take another breath and exhale.  Along with your heartbeat, find the sensation of your pulse moving through your hands, feet, scalp, entire body.

    5. Stay focused on the feeling of your entire circulatory system as it channels your lifeblood to your head and extremities.  See if you can feel it moving through your organs as well.

    6. Perform some simple task – walking, washing the dishes, making your bed – while continuing to feel your heartbeat and over all pulse.  You'll find the activity becomes strangely blissful.

    "Wordlessness in Motion."

    Feeling your bloodstream while you walk around is a level of Wordlessness that can challenge many meditators, who associate deep awareness with sitting peacefully on a cushion in their favorite yoga studio. Fully reclaiming your true nature means sustaining a Wordless connection to your environment and inner condition no matter what's going on.  This means replacing thoughts about events with authentic sensations that track whatever's occurring in the present moment.  Because thinking is the most familiar state of being for most of us, dropping thought and feeling our sensations and emotions may be frightening, even painful. But in the end, it's far less painful that typical human behavior, which is to become lost in thoughts and unavailable to anything real."

    "Our universal teaching from wayfinders is that we suffer more from our thoughts about events than from the events themselves. Detaching from our verbal thoughts eliminates almost all of our psychological suffering. As wordlessness arises, fears about the future and regrets or anger about the past events slip away, because past and future don't exist except in stories in our minds. This, according to psychoneuroimmunolgist Robert Sapolsky, is why wild animals don't get stress-related illnesses. They react with fight or flight responses when circumstances call for it, but then return quickly to a baseline of relaxation."  Marth Beck.

    I love this book and how she is explaining what I have experienced.  How my word mind failed me and I was then plugged into the wordlessness.


  • Your Life Lessons.

    Did you know that we don't all feel the same? Well, we all feel fear as fear, but what we fear is where the differences lie.

    And, we learn to fear things by experiences.  Our spectrum or knowledge of fear is based upon how often we had to learn what to fear by being hurt first.

    This is not something that can be taught second hand, it is first hand experiential learning.  It will require you to walk along, believing you are safe and okay, until you are not.  

    We each get to walk out into many different relationships and experiences with full trust and faith, until something happens.  It is this happening, where learning is learned.

    I did not know that feelings were taught and grown lesson by lesson…and they are completely personal.  We can give a heads up, but a believing person has faith and trust that the path they are on is 'different' than my lesson.  

    That even if there are clues and facts that appear similar to my old road, theirs will be the exception…theirs will be the one in a million chance of turning out good, against all odds.

    Yet, I can't picture a world without this faith, trust and believability.  It is called youth…the young folk and Hope.

    What I also have great faith in, is that there is a line in everyone's life, that when it is crossed, their feelings will change.  We can't know where the line is or sometimes even what the line is, but it is lying there hidden, until exposed.

    When something happens, it changes the course we were on…our feelings change and we course correct.

    Somehow, I forget this in the lives of my adult children.  I forget that they are learning life. They are finding the lines in their lives…the boundaries.

    What I as a Mother want, is to spare my children pain, suffering and heartache and hurt…but it would be to stop them from learning about life.  

    It does seem though, that some are on a fast track of learning…and are putting themselves in very vulnerable positions…with their hearts wide open full of trust and faith…believing.

    The perfect student pose.

    I didn't know that watching your children learn could be so difficult to watch.

    In order to be a fully emotional being, with courage and strength, you have to get in the middle of some very messy life lessons….to go in deep completely wide open.

    Ugh.

    The only way for me to survive is to know that broken hearts are strong hearts….and wise beyond their years.  Wisdom doesn't come into our lives via the easy road or on the one most traveled.  It often arrives amidst betrayal and deceit…or on needy self absorbed charmers.

    We don't learn by what we do, but more often by what is done to us.

    How I feel about a certain event and how you feel about the same event, will depend upon the scars from your life lessons.


  • Left in the Paper.

    In Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, "Simple Abundance" she writes about the daily practice of writing, to take the thoughts in your head and put them on paper, daily. To get rid of the continual repetitive chatter that goes around and around in your head…kicking up a mental storm of things that distract us.

    And, to put that information down on paper, to empty out our heads….daily.

    What I find, is that when a troubling idea comes in, it seems like it attracts a million other thoughts, shooting into my head like arrows, piercing my inner psyche.

    By writing, I am able to place them in a spot that doesn't inflict others.

    However, there are times I live first and write later.  There are times I write in live time and repent later.  And often, here on the blog, I am sorting out my life in writing.

    Writing to me has many applications, and I do believe, the more I write, the less my mind has to play with…for it is taken out of my head and scribbled down and oddly contained in the paper.

    It may be wiser, as a mother, to write for a few days, before reacting.  To just write my fears, my worries, my wondering, my frets down…and let them stew and steep together, letting wisdom rise to the top…and then speak from there.

    Sarah writes, "Stressed souls reassuring rhythm of self-nurturing rituals. Sometimes, when I have a particularly thorny issue to resolve, I'll write two pages in the morning and come back in the evening to see if there isn't an answer that's forthcoming. Very frequently there is.  And until there is, at least there is relief and release."

    I didn't see or take the time to notice, that this is actually true. That if you write, live the day and write again later on, you are much more rational and reasonable, and at the very least feel lighter for having gotten rid of the stressful thoughts.

    They seem to be legitimized and organized, even if they fall out of you in a jumbled mess, they are at least laying down word for word…and not on an endless loop swirling in your brain.

    My saving grace has been writing…my stumbling block, at least with my kids is that I write later, talk, holler, speak loudly, give them  a piece of my messy mind, and then write.  I will practice living life in reverse.  To try and not share the mess in my head, until the mess is filtered out and all that remains is wisdom.

    I can see how my children have been able to witness this process…and perhaps will use it in reverse.  For, usually we learn what not to do.

    I also believe, the more heightened and excited I am, the more troubling the situation appears to me, the more constraint I will need to exercise…for it is then that my arrows are laced with PTSD.  It is then, that more writing will be required to lessen and release and figure out a reasonable way forth.

    I see how often my unsteady insides, expand or contract things unreasonably.  That if I write long enough, the truth will rise to the top. The words may change, the defenses may be the same, but beneath it all there is a constant steady stream of what is.

    And, usually, I will know what is mine to change and what is not….what is mine to accept and surrender to it.  Often, what is the biggest problem is the ride from event into surrender…and to be released from responsibility and take with me, only what is mine to carry…the rest get left in the paper.

  • Let it be…

    Am I the only one who feels ill prepared for life? That what I need for this particular experience, will arrive to me when it is over.  I will have the wisdom to navigate these waterfalls, after falling down the falls, but not before.

    I head in time and time again, unsure and unknowing…

    That parenting is like trial and error, but never a sure bet or a clear path.  It is always like we are learning on our children, AND with their feelings and lives.  

    Is it that we rub each other in order to find our truth? 

    Today my head is tired of flipping the rubic's cube of mothering around and around…wondering what is the better way, what is the less invasive, more caring, less neglecting etc….

    I took a break and dove into my art space.

    I half heartedly and with my soul tied up in angst, I did create.  

    I can see why I was drawn to do this years ago, and still find solace here.

    It calms my mind, by not focusing I can focus.  It brings in color, design and good energy. 


    IMG_9450
    It holds me in the present, I can't wander too far back or forward.  I seek fabrics that are bright to help me see better…inside of me.

    As I sat back and looked at this one, I could see the lines, the road it appeared and how Love and Energy floated free above it.

    I keep thinking there are rules to mothering, that I must stay on the path of knowing, when I can't know.  

    I am not sure how this quilt will be in the end, but for today, this quilt top anchored me.  

    Oh, and a ride with my husband, who remembers more clearly his youth…his years of doing and learning and growing…He is good for my children for he can see their side.  He can remember his journey how it weaved and curved…and, how he is wiser because of it. 

    Life isn't a paved road of knowing, that we will never veer off of….it is much more like a learn as you go life.  

    Kind of like I do art….I never know what it will be until it is over….but I do my best, add what feels right, move things around…and then let it be.

    (there will be an answer, let it be, let it be….) 


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  • Patterns in one Family

    What is a healthy mother daughter relationship? What is my business and what is theirs? When does a healthy mother get involved and when does she stay away? What is balance or what causes imbalance?  What is concern and what is meddling? When is it controlling and when is it being caring?

    Coming from utter neglect, I am having troubles either over stepping or not stepping at all.  I swing from either pole…but can't seem to find that delicate step on the sweet spot of middle.

    Where it honors each of us, but isn't blind.

    Where it is involved, but not overpowering.

    Where love is expressed and concern is shown…and freedom lies.

    And, is it my delivery or is it in the receiving?

    Is it better to see and address things that you see are out of kilter or is it better to be silent in a forced peace?

    Is it possible to be four different moms with four different kids, or am I the same mom with four different responses?

    Am I just me and Me feels different depending upon where you are standing?

    Or, do I change how I mother with each kid?

    Or even more, do I change how I mother in different situations?

    Is my history of neglect more transparent in certain situations and less in others?

    Am I more acutely aware in places where I detect abuse, than in places where there is none?

    Do I become an uncompromising mom when I detect toxic energy?

    I am finding it hard to find reasonable…or hard to know when to push forward and when to back off?

    My mothering slope is quite steep or very low…..and I swing from Caring Less to Over Caring.

    Is there a spot called perfect caring?

    A place where trust and faith and love live…

    My mothering model goes from controlling and conditional, to caring less into a dark pit of who cares.

    It always seems like I slide swiftly by reason and plunge directly into being left in the cold…or being completely responsible and controlling about things I have no control over.

    It is like my tool box of mother is filled with extreme and limited responses…and what would come natural is very unnatural for me.

    I have to will myself back to reason…while not knowing what reason is?

    Like hunting for a certain place, yet not knowing what it is…and then camping there unknowning if it is the middle.  It could be just a tad out of neglect….or it could be closer to the middle, I never seem to know.

    My inner gauge has been tampered with.

    Its readings are not quite right.

    So, I mostly error in over compensation…which I am sure feels like smothering or being in their business.

    And, what is the business of mother child? 

    How much is reasonable to share and what becomes intrusive?

    How do you discern the lines of reason?

    What is a mother's role as their children enter into adulthood?

    When do you back away or do you?

    I have witnessed the backing out, until there is no relationship, but a holiday one. Is that considered normal?  Am I expecting and being unreasonable to want more?

    What is so extremely hard is finding the healthy balance coming from such imbalance and not over stepping into another unhealthy spot of being overpowering.

    It is like Neglect is on one pole and Control on the other….and I have to find the middle of the road.

    To not control, but to allow….but not allow in a careless way.

    To set up standards, but not have rules…or conditions, yet have them.

    It seems like mothering is asking the impossible….to lead but not lead….to allow, but not allow.  To know when to say when and when not to say when.

    It is the damned if you do and your damned if you don't.

    But, looking back at my own experience of being mothered.  I feel that she failed me in not responding when she should have.

    She didn't respond when abuse stepped in.

    She acted like it was all okay.

    Like I was not in danger, while I was.

    Like I was okay when I was not.

    So, I am trying to mother with the aid of reality. To, at the bare mininum, respond to what I see, hear and feel.  To be aware of my children's lives WHEN they go off balance.

    It is like we are all humming along, until one slips….and slides away. AND, then I become involved.  But, am I too involved?  Is it possible to be too caring as one is slipping off center?

    I am sure, at some point, a mother has to let them go. To allow them to slip off center and then to climb back on…in their own time….or not at all.

    I just find it so maddening to see, accept and have to surrender and to allow….one of my kids to be off center.

    Is it unreasonable to want or expect children to be perfectly balanced in their lives…especially coming from whence they came.  I am one of the factors that tipped them off the line of self balance.

    So, how now, can I help them get back?

    How do I actively help bring them back to their center and self empowerment?

    What is my role?

    Is it helpful to show where they are off….or is it more helpful to ignore it?

    And, is it even possible for me to pretend to pretend that I don't see them off their game?

    And, do I have to support their imbalance?

    Am I not allowed to be a mother who wants above all else for my children to be balanced, strong, centered, empowered?

    And yet, it is their lives, they are allowed to live anywhere upon the spectrum.

    My goal as a mom or maybe as a woman, was to find my own center…maybe, okay not maybe, but I guess I don't have the right to tell them where their center is.

     We may not match in the end.

    They my find it being more comfortable to be off center. They may find love and happiness way off their center.  

    I tipped them….when I didn't allow them free will…in their early days.  I set this pattern in motion.

    Now, I get to live with watching the consequences of this manifest in their lives…in varying degrees.  

    It is being aware of your legacy being lived out….and sadly, even if I have changed my pattern, they may not decide or want to change theirs.

    I raised them to be off center…when I was off center…so they would match me.

    As a mother, I did damage.

    As a mother, I changed.

    Like one of my daughters said, "We have had two moms without going through a divorce."  But, that leaves me in a strange land.  Some will match my old self and some will match my new….when, how and If, it is all up to them.

    Complicated to have two patterns in one family.

     

  • Control Us.

    In Eben Alexander's book, "Proof of Heaven" he writes about evil.

    "Through the Orb, Om told me that there is not one universe but many – in fact, more than I could conceive – but that love lay at the center of all of them. Evil was present in all the other universes as well, but only in the tiniest trace amounts. Evil was necessary because without it free will was impossible, and without free will there could be no growth – no forward movement, no chance for us to become what God longed for us to be. Horrible and all-powerful as evil sometimes seemed to be in a dominant world like ours, in the larger picture love was overwhelmingly dominant, and it would ultimately be triumphant."  Eben

    It is interesting to see the human growth factor in the application of evil, and how we would prefer that there just not be any…and yet if it was removed, our human consciousness would be stunted.

    Evil forces us to grow by how we utilize our free will.  It is asking of you to put up boundaries, to sit with the cause and effect and to choose.  If there weren't opposites, what would we have to push against?

    Ironically, my biggest growth spurt came when I recognized the evil in my father… my mother and in myself.  It was then, I had a choice.  Who am I?

    If, I had staunchly defended his/her/my good, I would have failed to grow.

    In seeing evil, I then became unglued…I had free will.

    I was able to see two choices.

    Ironically most churches will preach against evil and then bless it away…while never actually dealing with it.  

    IF, evil wasn't something to bless away, but rather something that was in place for you to learn about choices, it would be very powerful indeed. Powerful in a way that doesn't weaken who you are, but rather empower you, by the choices you make.

    It is like evil's presence is everywhere, but we are using it poorly. We are allowing it to weaken us, instead of using it as a spring board for strengthening our free will.

    I have come to view churches as the biggest advocate for evil…for it eliminates our power to move away, by saying "No sin is too great to forgive."

    Instead of letting evil stand alone, the church quickly comes in and erases it…eliminating the choice to move away.  If the evil is no longer there, there is no reason to change your choice.

    If, you remove the application of forgiveness of sins, you let evil stand unveiled. It then becomes the responsibility of the 'evil' one to change….or not.  Restoring each person's free will.

    What is the incentive for evil folks to change their behavior when it isn't seen as a tangible item, but rather a fleeting image that isn't attached to them?

    In my experiences with my father and his supporters, none of his behavior did he have to own, improve or change.  His evil behaviors were not registered into the content of who he was.  Until perhaps upon his death…when, the choices of engagement with him was eliminated.

    So many will wait until the choice is taken from them….when the other person dies, so that they are free. This is not a growth exercise.

    Evil is here to give us a choice…for us to grow as individuals, for us to find our inner strength…and free will.

    Evil would not be so powerful if more of us had free will.

    In fact, the answer to evil just may be free will.

    Evil is only powerful if it can control us.