I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Content of Your Soul

    Anne Morrow Lindbergh, kept using the word "Centrifugal." When I first came upon it it twisted my tongue and it didn't make sense.  The second time I saw the word, it was like I knew it, but didn't know its spelling.  A line in song came to mind that used it "Centrifugal Motion"…from way back. I had never seen this word spelled out or used in a sentence. (Her book was written 50 years ago)

    I had to look it up for, I didn't quite grasp its meaning, but could feel its pull.

    " Moving or directed away from a center or axis."

    I get this word.  

    I understand the forces that pull you away from your center…and how it feels to be far from the axis of who you are.  I also feel the strength it took to reach my center, to be going against all I was taught to reverse this centrifugal motion my childhood and its circumstances, that were set in motion.

    Abuse clearly is centrifugal motion and all its trappings add to the spinning away from your center, until it feels normal, to be one with the centrifugal energy…to please what makes you leave your soul.

    I can visualize this centrifugal force as the reverse of your soul's desire, the thrusting back and away from your passion.  The opposite of your soul's longing…being pulled away from who you were meant to be…of leaving you…due to reasons and circumstances you were not big enough to fight or resist.  Weak against life's situations, small against the forces that forced.

    Centrifugal motion is a great way to feel the pull of abuse…to feel your self being pulled away from your center…by the forceful need and desires of others.

    What I experienced, was like I was going against gravity when I was putting up boundaries and stopping relationships that wanted to suck me away from what was good for me.  It seemed odd that doing what was good for me, felt like the opposite of a drawing or pull, but rather going against a force field.

    This force field is the negative energy system that comprises abuse…it is like we were taught to spin away from our selves, instead of spinning towards our soul's calling.

    Like spinning tops, going in the wrong direction.

    In order to heal, we are asked to start spinning in a new direction, going against the other spinning tops.  Just the volume of so many going one way, while we are trying to get back to center, is incredible to picture.

    There is an inner battle being fought, where the old centrifugal force is meeting head to head with the passion and knowing of our soul.  Where truth is fighting to stop this centrifugal force.

    I am not certain, I can articulate this accurately, but boy does this paint a picture for me, the hurricane forces of abuse ripping at us, while the soul pleads from way far back, small and weak, while the abuse winds are howling.  

    What is and was always shocking to me, I couldn't please both, it literally always came down to pick one. Centrifugal force of abuse or the passion of my soul.  The energy of each could not be met by one choice. The choice either matched moving away from my center or remaining close.

    Some say we don't have a choice in life, that our life is set out ahead of us, but, I wonder if we get two different lives, depending upon what force we ride?

    I have ridden the back of centrifugal motion only to find in the end it was all for naught, for I may have arrived and been surrounded by family, but I sold my soul out to get there. 

    It leads me to wonder if the centrifugal energy is that of the ego/devil/evil?

    And, if the dance in life is picking which one you want as your partner?

    As an abused child, we had no choice, but will all get the chance to pick again?

    Will all hear or feel the calling of their soul, feel the pull of their truth and no longer remain silent?  Is this the journey of a million sorrows to find your way to stop spinning centrifually?  

    I see the world and all humanity, with two distinct forces swirling around each…the free will of the Universe.

    One will send you spinning away from your center and the other one, moving you closer and closer to the content of your soul.







  • Feel Who You Are.

    "When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others."  Anne Morrow Lindbergh

    What struck me while reading this, is that while I feel estranged, and am estranged, from my family, I am very much in touch with me. That by actually coming in touch with myself, it led me away from my family.  I know that this isn't the norm, that most who are seeking a deeper connection to self, will not have to leave their family of origin, but for those of us whose families are entangled in abuse, we will.

    It also gave me a brief insight upon the lives of the abused, that the very fact that they can't or are too afraid to be in touch with their own our self, leads to being unable to touch others; and this is the energy void abused children live in.

    Untouched, in the sense of a deep connection, love and peace with their parents…and even other siblings.  For this disconnection with one self disables the very mechanism for being close.

    How interesting, the first person you need to touch, is your self.

    I had to first be able to see, feel and be with the parts of me that for so many years were totally ignored and intently pushed away and blindly denied.  I had to touch, like a blind person…fingering all the aspects of my family, touching the truth and feeling and being with the horrors of betrayal and lack of love that is abuse.

    What I feel most others are intent on doing, is focusing on what they want to be there, and not to touch the tendrils that they know will lead to the deep dark hole…the void that is abuse.  

    We feel that if we let our selves fall down the slope of reality, we will disappear and go out of our minds.  Instead, by feeling to the depth of your being…you come in contact with your self.  You touch you.

    You see you and rest falls away.

    Touching who you truly are, seems like it would be awful, for no one touched us, instead they used us.  They did not value us.  

     I was afraid to be my self, for I wasn't allowed to be myself.

    I was taught to not share my feelings, not ask for what I needed, to not be in touch with me.  And, once abused, who wants to be in touch with that?

    Yet, it is by sitting down right next to your truth, that you truly come to touch…to hold and be with the wounds, that are you.

    I am all my experiences.  All my feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly…

    I am in touch with all of me.

    In touching the dark terrifying places, I am able to feel and touch love, peace and joy.

    I know, if you can't touch your self, you will not be able to touch and feel others…you first have to feel who you are.


  • My Harmony with Self

    I was given a gift of a small book, "Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, the 50th Anniversary Edition.  

    It is written by a wife, a mother and a woman…she asks, "What is the shape of my life?" referring to a shell.

    "The shape of my life today starts with a family.  I have a husband, five children and a home just beyond the suburbs of New York.  I have also a craft, writing, and therefore work I want to pursue.  The shape of my life is, of course, determined by many other things; my background and childhood, my mind and its education, my conscience and its pressures, my heart and its desires.  I want to give my and take from my children and husband, to share with friends and community, to carry out my obligations to man and to the world, as a woman, as an artist, as a citizen."

    "But I want first of all – in fact, as an end to these other desires – to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can.  I want, in fact – to borrow from the language of the saints – to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible.  I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense, By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony.  I am seeking perhaps what Socrates asked for in the prayer from the Phaedrus when he said, "May the outward and inward man be at one." I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God." Anne

    As I was reading this and picturing the life I carry, I couldn't help but see the difference between my life now, and my life before I knew about being abused.

    Imagine the two different shells to carry and the state of grace or the lack thereof, living in them.

    A woman living under the shell of abuse, can't move in harmony with how she feels…instead she moves to please others. The whole dance and composition of the shell is not about her; but about keeping the abuse a secret, her feelings a secret.  It is a shell and a life that is lived without her…yet lived by her.

    That is a life that is moved by the shell or secret…where you are being moved along by its needs, not yours.

    Once I knew what was upon my back, how my life was being orchestrated by abuse and its need to be unknown, I threw that shell off…and have been attempting to form a new shell (life) that reflects me…that I can wear gracefully…that is pure me.

    The difference between my two lives is remarkable and how it feels to live under each, on opposite ends of the spectrum of life.

    I am not sure if there is a graceful way to wear abuse.

    And, it has taken time for me to walk gracefully in my new life.  And, there are still places and people where it requires herculean efforts to be grace.  Where I am once again challenged to match my inner(feelings) and my outer(actions)…in an awkward presentation, compared to my old responses.

    Where my inner requires me to say and do things that they don't agree with or like and I then have to remain steadfast to hold on to my grace…while knowing it is upsetting to them.

    It can't pretend to pretend to pretend to walk their way and my way is unfamiliar and unknown to them.  We are walking and expressing two completely different languages.

    In one life I lived and moved to preserve abuse and in the second life I lived to preserve the spirit of me.

    The cost to go back and just acquiesce, it isn't about the shell of abuse or that I am now a big girl and it can no longer hurt me, or that he is dead or that she did the best that she could, or that family is family no matter what, or that everyone did the best that they could and had their reasons….It would be about me losing my grace.

    My harmony with self.


  • Happiness for me is Peace.

    In Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, "Simple Abundance" she asks of us today, what brings Happiness for us?  

    I heard Oprah once say that many people want to be happy, but when asked, what would make them happy, they are unsure.

    So, what I wondered would make me happy and am I happy now or are there things and changes I needed to make?

    I don't have any pressing unhappiness that I need to escape from or remove, so that is good.

    I do know that my body feels at peace…like the energy or feelings inside of me are like calm waters, not choppy and upset.  I am not carrying lots of things that need my attention and I am avoiding.  Or situations that I have said yes to, that I needed to find the courage to change to a No.

    I feel that I have been working on my happiness for a few years now and learning that if I am making choices based upon my feelings and not avoiding things, even if I am afraid of how it will affect others…I am creating an atmosphere of happiness for me.

    I am thinking happiness isn't a thing, but rather a path of authenticity, where your choices create the space so that your self is comfortable.

    I used to be the one who made others comfortable and Sarah even says, that often we know what makes others happy, but are not as clear when it comes to ourselves. I used to live 'unhappy' by saying yes when I should have said no…and I did a lot of things to please others.  I was a happy maker, but not so much for me.

    Now, I am clearing my path of things that poke me and make me uncomfortable…

    Often we don't want to bare the uncomfortableness that confronting the things that stand in the way of our happiness.  But, I have found, that a few moments or encounters with being uneasy, leads to wide open spaces of happiness.

    So, I guess my things are not really things, but choices. Choices I have made to eliminate things that don't make me feel at peace.  Perhaps happiness for me is peace.

  • See Our Self.

    I picked up Deepak Chopra's book "God" in the Library…and began to read.

    What he does is he writes about different men and their experiences with seeking God or their view of God…and then what he calls, "Revealing the Vision"…where he sorts out or pulls apart the man and how he saw his path to God.

    He writes about famous men in the Bible, Paul, Job, and he also writes about men in the East, Shankara and Rumi and even Socrates.  I am enjoying the revealing the vision part, for it shows how God doesn't change, but how we depict him varies.

    For example, about St.Paul "…Paul drummed one formula into his readers; believe and you will be saved,  It's not a universal formula.  In the East, religions like Buddhism and Hinduism have no murdered saints, no emphasis on faith in the supernatural events, no resurrection from the dead.  Instead, the common thread in the East is consciousness.  A religious person seeks to escape pan and suffering by finding a higher reality that leaves pain and suffering behind, rendering them irrelevant.  The entire journey is done within, and therefore Gnosticism, or direct contact with the divine mind, finds in the East a refuge where it isn't a heresy."

    "This isn't to say that religion as it flowered in Asia lacks divine love and miracles.  In popular Buddhism the young Prince Siddhartha was carried over the walls of his father's palace, where he lived a life of suffocating luxury, on the magical white horse held aloft by angels.  A devout Hindu sees the beautiful god Krishna as an exemplar of love.  But, Christianity isn't  a religion based on higher consciousness, it is based on salvation, the ultimate personal miracle."

    He writes about Shankara, 

    Shankara describes a permanent state that is very similar, in which you fully participate in the world, but you faintly know that you are dreaming.  This state of so called witnessing is the Vedic version of what Jesus names as being in the world, but not of it.  It is a very desirable state, because you become creative instead of passive.  Poised on the edge before you wake up from your jungle adventure, you know that the dream belongs to you. Suddenly, you are the author. Some lucid dreamers can even re-enter their dream, willing themselves to not wake up. they can do this because they are, after all, the authors of their dreams."

    "In the same way, you are the author of your life.  It may seem that all kinds of outside factors hem you in and deny your authorship; disease, aging, the forces of nature, social rules and strictures, and ultimately death.  But Shankara asks a simple question that explodes these external limitations.  Has anything that ever happened in a dream actually hurt you? When you wake up, the whole dream is gone.  Tigers, angels, demons, pursuing enemies, and voluptuous lovers.  All share the same unreality."

    "Mastering the dream is good news and bad news at the same time. The good news is that you are the author of your life with the capacity to make anything happen. To arrive at mastery takes time.  There are cautionary tales, like the reckless and unfortunate Giordano Bruno, who saw the light, but did not escape the dream. Shankara outlines how to undergo the process of mastery using all the tools of Yoga.  These tools are all about consciousness. They teach you how to use your mind instead of allowing your mind to use you."

    "The bad news? It's not the prospect of failure. Once the process of awakening begins, it is unstoppable, even if you have to cross into new lifetimes to reach your goal. The bad news is that mastering your dream isn't being Midas. You won't turn everything you touch into gold.  The lure of riches, endless pleasure, power, and even saintliness starts to fade once you know that it's all a dream.  Unity consciousness is the ultimate mastery known to the world's spiritual traditions, but it cannot be described in worldly terms.  When the two domains of reality, "in here" and "out there" finally merge, a new existence dawns.  It is indescribable before you reach it, which is why there's another saying that Skankara's tradition insists upon; "Those who know It speak of it not, those who speak of It know it not."

    "Making God disappear from the physical world is either a sign of progress, because it removes the self-centered belief that the deity must look and act like a human being, or it is a scandal, just as it was to the first Westerners, because you can't just wipe God away like that.  He will notice, and his reaction won't be pleasant. What is liberation in the East remains heresy to many in the West.  The only certainty is that God has more faces to show.  Matters are not settled by any means."

    And about Rumi, 

    "If the West wants an antidote to the East's habit of making God disappear, Rumi doesn't fit the bill. He offers a personal God who is approached with love and devotion, but the path of devotion makes the seeker disappear.  The light that embraces him extinguishes personality.  It even distinguishes the lesser love between lovers.  In the evolution of God, holding on to the image of a patriarch sitting above the clouds becomes more and more a stubborn habit. This is especially so when, as with Rumi, the divine is a feeling in the heart that expands to all-consuming bliss. Bliss has no name or face. The world's visionaries go in a different direction.  Their paths mingle, but still no single picture of God emerges.  A deeper transformation is taking place."  Deepak

    What I find so interesting about this book is the relationship these men have had with God and their experiences…how they write about it and then how others have used their version as a rule or a religion to follow…and to see the evolution or the depiction, depending upon growing up in the East or in the West.

    I see how personally I have changed my belief or perhaps understanding of God and how I appreciate the writings of others, but can see how my God has changed from the vengeful and fearing image, to one where I am having a personal relationship…with a wise loving all knowing Universe.  

    I guess we see God as we see our Self.



  • My Faith Lies in the Truth

    In writing about gratitude I wrote that I am grateful to have what my mother so desperately wanted; a man she could trust…that she felt by forgiving his sins over and over, she would end up with that man.

    It is incredible that by repeatedly forgiving the same sin over and over, you don't see the sin, but the slate wiped clean.

    It showed her tenacity for not giving up on her dream…even if it continually showed blemishes.  Or her tenacity and her faith.

    Even if the dream was impossible, she never wavered…she wiped away the stain over and over and over again.  Never seeing the soiled cloth.

    I can't imagine how it had to feel to finally give up after 50 years of holding on and finding nothing in your hands…but the soiled cloth.

    What I find so incredible is that I too once believed in the cloth's ability to wipe away stains, and now I am an unbeliever….yet I still believe in love and trust.

    I found my way to love and trust by doing the opposite of my mother.  

    My brother once asked "How can you be so sure?"  It wasn't about anything specific, but just how can you be so sure?

    Because I am living my life by what I see and not by my ability to wipe away things away.

    I don't have a magic cloth or eraser, I see clearly and I respond in kind.  

    I am sure about myself. That I will have the ability to respond to what is, for it cost me too much in the past to not respond.

    It wasn't easy at first to see life without a filter or soft cloth to make it kinder, but once I understood that my mother was not spared, she wasn't able to create a better world, but just involved more people in her make belief world, I was able to stop pretending to pretend things were different than they appeared.

    But, I did not toss out love, trust or finding great relationships…I instead learned how to grow and develop ones worth having.  

    I do this by seeing each action and not wiping away the bad ones and holding on to the good.

    I hold on to both.  I honor the good and I honor the bad.  

    I learned more from my bad behaviors and why I did what I did.  

    They actually held a part of me that was in pain or that I denied.

    Looking back, all my bad behaviors were screaming my truth.

    The truth that my mother wanted to wipe away…with her faith.

    In the end, my truth was stronger than her faith.

    How can I be so sure?  I can, because my faith lies in the truth.


     

      


  • Completely New Design

    Wayne Dyer had an interesting viewpoint of the New Year Resolutions,

    "This is the time of year that many of us make resolutions, or rather, reinforce the notion of living in the future, when really, the important question to be asking yourself is “How am I going to use my present moments this year?” It is simply a matter of asking yourself at the beginning of the day, “How do I want to conduct my life today?” When you get good at living your present moments one day at a time, you’ll see yourself changing right before your own surprised eyes. Remember, anyone can do anything for just one day, so tune out the sentences that keep you locked into your old self-defeating ways and begin to enjoy each day of your bright new year."  

    There is always a lot of chatter at the beginning of a new year, when the year changes, we have this notion that we are turning over a new leaf, that our future will change, we just have to request the right goals…and like magic, a new world will be there…and we will be different.

    Like the Year has the power and not you.

    Who wants to know that you have the power?

    Who wants to feel that it was each little choice that has lead you straight to here?

    Imagine blaming a calendar number for your life.

    When you look up ahead into the distance in a wishful and even resolute…placing your desires on the year to change you, you are looking outward, when all the power lies within.

    You got you to this point. You are the common denominator in your life.  You are the choice maker or the "Not New Choice Maker".

    As my brother used to say, "There is no one coming."  He knew he was the only one to rely upon.

    And, I also believe lots have no faith in themselves, for their lives keep repeating themselves.  But, maybe, it was because you relegated your life to the year on the calendar.

    What if you took it back.

    What if you let the year go.

    What if you only held you responsible for taking care of you?

    What if you watched what you did.

    How you ate and when….how you spent money, how often you were silent when you should have spoken, how many times you said yes, when a no was more truthful, how often you sat down instead of being active, etc. 

    It is a full time, plus, job to pay attention to your self…and to be aware and responsible for each of your choices…before, during and after.

    How do you feel before and what do you do?

    How does it feel during?

    And how did that choice leave you feeling about yourself.

    You are the one doing and the one feeling…the calendar number could care less.

    And, Wayne is right, anyone can do something for one day. Just run the One Days together…but do it one day at a time.

    I start to get anxious often, when my mind begins planning or worrying about a tomorrow to come.  When I bring my attention and focus back to this moment in time, and I look around, I know what I need to do.  

    It is up to each of us to set up our worlds today for the kind of life we want tomorrow.

    The new life, the new change, begins here…it will require you to do something different now.

    When I worked for the Census, the main boss man always wanted me to read the reports of the numbers…a blury page full of scales and percentages and lines.  I looked, but could not understand what they meant for my future predictions.  I would tell him, "you look at the reports and I will take care of the people….that If I do a good job taking care of the people, the people will take care of the numbers."

    And they did.  I always finished first and my numbers were always ahead of the others and I did not look at the numbers on the paper, ever….for I knew that life lived and moved and was created in each action or non action of the people who worked for me.  We were the LIVE version of the reports.  I didn't need numbers telling me If I was doing a good job, I knew by what I did each day. 

    We don't need a daily or monthly report to tell us how we are doing….our live version of our lives is already telling us so.

    And, you can't expect a good report on paper, if you have not done the work.

    When I hear people say, "I am so glad this year is over and that I have great hopes in next year", I feel that they are removing themselves from the Line Item in the reports. Failing to appreciate that they are the ones generating the report.

    Each day, each moment, each decision is creating the outcome of this year.

    How will you stand on December 31, 2013, will depend on you.

    There are 365 lines in this report, will your lines be following the same path of last year, Or, will you see a completely new design.



     

     

  • Made of this cloth

    Today's reading in "Simple Abundance" By Sarah Ban Breathnach she writes,

    "When we can't access our inner resources, we come to the flawed conclusion that our happiness and fulfillment come only from external events. That's because external events usually bring with them some sort of change.  And so we've learned to rely on circumstances outside ourselves for forward or backward momentum as we hurdle through life. But, we don't have to do that any longer.  We can learn to be the catalysts for our own change."  Sarah B

    To switch gears from outside to inside will require you to change from being passive to being agressive….from a bystander to movement…from wishing to doing.  It will require YOU to move Before there is a crash on the outside; to become the change you wish to see in the world as Ghandhi said.

    I was forced to go inward, for my outer world became littered with debris, and each piece carried with it a mountain of dyfunction and lies.  It appeared to me that the only place that held peace, was inside of me….in a far corner, a place where the Me of me lived.  Untouched by the wreckage outside.

    I clung to this space. 

    Small though it was.

    It was a complete change…finding and being me from the inside, instead of being defined by the outward events.

    I guess, I fled to the inside, for I did not feel that it was right to be defined by my father's pedophilia.  "This will not define me", was a war cry, a plea to the Universe to see me from a different view.

    It wasn't that I denied who my father was, but his life and my life were not going to be one.  It was the beginning of separation…of searching for a Me that I defined.

    Who was I?

    I knew that even if I was abused, that wasn't the whole of me…nor was it something that I designed for me….it happened to me, but it wasn't my choice.  

    In deciding that I would not be defined by my father, I literally changed my perception of me; from the outside to the inside.

    I used to say, "I am living my life from the inside out…."

    What I believe Sarah is working towards is the same. To live life from the inside out, but without having to experience a total life crash on the outside…and being forced to alter your life.

    She then writes about the 6 threads of contentment…

    "There are six principles that will act as guides as we make our inner journey over the next year.  These are the six threads of abundant living which, when woven together, produce a tapestry of contentment that wraps us in inner peace, well-being, happiness and a sense of security. First there is Gratitude. When we do a mental and spiritual inventory of all that we have, we realize we are very rich indeed. Gratitude gives way to Simplicity – the desire to clear out, pare down, and realize the essentials of what we need to live truly well.  Simplicity brings with it Order, both internally and externally. A sense of order in our lives brings us Harmony.  Harmony provides us with the inner peace we need to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us each day, and Beauty opens us to Joy.  But just as with any beautiful needlepoint tapestry, it is difficult to see where one stitch ends and another begins. So it is with Simple Abundance."  Sarah B.

    I do believe it is possible to make these changes ahead of the crash, but I do wonder what the impetus would be?  It almost seems that we as humans wait for life to become unbearable, before we look for a new way.

    I can't see the reason for creating a new tapestry if the old one is not thread bare and full of holes.  

    I do believe that I have woven a new tapestry, a new cloth and pattern that is a full composite of me, even the dark colors of abuse are weaved in, but along side of them are my free choices…choices that bring me Love, Peace and Joy.

    There is a flow and harmony in my world by what I allow and what I do not….

    I see the cloth of abuse being dark….minus the sharp colors and bright hues…I see it as a blinding cloth.  Blinding you from seeing you.

    My new piece of fabric is filled with contrast and legacy, but it is now stitched with awareness and truth, layered with what brings me happiness and contentment.

    Perhaps what we do is use the blinding dark cloth and add our passion, our creative choices, like making stitches of color that define us.

    I can almost visualize a quilt that represents this….the dark with added pieces of bright….it could be the six threads.  Gratitude, Simplicity, Order, Harmony, Beauty and Joy.

    I truly feel that my life is mostly made of this cloth.

  • My Lady, as Me.

    I am reading "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach with a few friends.  It is another daily reading book.  I also took out my journal and have enjoyed the hand writing again.  I love the sharp pencils, the blank page and unknown answers and the freedom to investigate…me.

    Our first assignment was to explore our deep longings and aspirations…and I wondered what mine were.

    What desires were deep in my soul?

    As I wrote, it came to me that my longings have changed.  I have been working for years on myself, to become some one who did not hurt others, control others or steal their lives; to be independent and no longer co-dependent on others to fulfill my life.  I have been working to fill my own self.

    In releasing others, I became free too.  

    Now, as a free bird, if you will, what now are my longings and deep aspirations?

    I don't know.

    Not for sure for sure.

    I do however have hints…

    It is like my soul's purpose and passions were shelved or have remained hidden until the time was right to bloom.  I will discover who I was born to be…that all my years thus far have prepared me…to be Me.

    All the detaching and self care that I have done, is not for naught, it has given me the tools I will need to continue…

    I am open to the unknown future and feel fairly certain it will contain writing, quilting and being with women who inspire me as well as inspiring others.  To live more present in awareness…as Me.

    I see myself as the Lady from my Art Quilts…that I am now living my Art.

    I believe that new deep longings and aspirations are waiting to be born. I believe I have now opened the space for them to rise up and be heard.

    I create my quilts by feeling…and I believe this will be the way forward for me.  I will do what feels right for me, even if it doesn't feel right for others.  Honoring me, will create a living work of Art.  Me.

    Perhaps my deepest longing and aspirations was to just be me.  No appologies, no excuses, no fears of the consequences…of saying no to you and saying Yes, to me.

    I am excited to see My Lady, as Me. IMG_0101

  • Who Didn’t See.

    "I See You!  Here I Am!" – Mark Nepo's last entry for 2012…I love it. 

    "For centuries, African Bushmen have greeted each other in this way.  When the one becomes aware of his brother or sister coming out of the brush, he exclaims, "I see You!" and then the one approaching rejoices, "I Am Here!"

    "This timeless bearing witness is both simple and profound, and it is telling that much of our modern therapeutic journey is suffered to this end: to have who we are and where we've been seen.  For with this simple and direct affirmation, it is possible to claim our own presence, to say, "I Am Here."

    "Those people in our lives who have validated our personhood by seeing us and exclaiming so are the foundations of our self-worth. Think of who they are. For me, the first to rejoice at my scrambling into the open was my grandmother. If not for her unequivocal love, I might never have had the courage to express myself at all.  And, after all, isn't art in all its forms the beautiful trail of our all too human attempts to say, again and again, I Am Here."

    "It is important to note that being seen enables us to claim our lives, and then it becomes possible to pass the gift on to others.  But just as important as bearing witness is the joy with which these Bushmen proclaim what they see.  It is the joy of first seeing and first knowing. This is the gift of love."

    "In a culture that erases its humanity, that keeps the act of innocence and beginning invisible, we are sorely in the need of being seen with joy, so we can proclaim with equal astonishment and innocence that of all the amazing things that could have been or not, We Are Here."

    "As far back as we can remember, people of the oldest tribes, unencumbered by civilization, have been rejoicing in being on earth together. Not only can we do this for each other, it is essential.  For as stars need open space to be seen,as waves need the shore to crest, as dew needs grass to soak into, our vitality dependson how we exclaim and rejoice, "I See You!" "I Am Here!"  Mark Nepo

    It is not so much having the other person truly see you, but for you also to proclaim "I am Here."  A full disclosure of who you are.  I see it as two people fully standing in their truth, uncovered and without pretend…seeing each other, while being authentically themselves.

    This may seem like an easy task, to get someone to say "I See You", and an even easier one to state, "Here I am", but it is not.

    In the past 8 years, I have been standing outside of the woods of abuse and not all will say I see you and Here I am…in the light of day.  Most will secretly whisper, "I see you….and here I am" while showing me their battle scars.  They are too afraid to stand out in the light and proclaim, "Here I Am!"

    The other very important part of this writing is to the the people who first said, "I see you." 

    Those are the ones who believe your experiences and validate the foundations of our self worth.  Without them, it would be hard to exclaim, "Here I Am" with strength and courage and finally pride!

    I have to think back to the very first weeks and months after my father's arrest to know who these people were.  My brother Carl, never once doubted what I was saying. The ladies within my Art Quilt group, when unbeknownst to them and I, my story came stumbling out in one meeting, they too said "I see you"….allowing me to stand taller in "Here I am."  They opened the space to be okay with being me.

    It were the first few who validated my personhood, that allowed me to express myself with the truth of who I am.  It was then, that the initial courage was born.

    I had said in the very first days, that all we would have needed as children, was one eye to see us, one ear to hear us or one hand to pull us out.  His writing today has affirmed this sentiment I felt so deeply and so tragically, that so many knew and no one said, "I see you."  Instead, they turned away.

    So many believe that not talking about it, not bringing it up is better, but in my experience, being able to hear someone say "I see you" especially in our battered state, in our confusion, pain, shame etc…allows us to say shakily, "Here I am".

    Here I am, as I am.  Not whole. Not perfect, but perfectly me, coming from whence I came.  Here I Am!

    If the person who first sees you can hold your gaze and not turn away…if they can hold not only your gaze but see you as okay and not the abuse, that you are/were innocent, that it happened to you, it isn't you…you feel their courage to see you… and they are okay.

    My mother did not see me…and I believe she acted similar as she did just 8 years ago, she made sure Ray was taken care of. She made sure others outside of the house were appologized to. She made sure she 'cleaned' up the scene…but, she never not once said she seen me as an abused child. She only wants to see me cleaned up with the mess (old news) behind me.  Forgive and move on.

    I will be accepted when I put it away.  Until then…there is no rejoicing to see me. There are conditions to her 'love'.

    I am forever thankful for the ones who did See Me, for they gave me the courage to say, "Here I Am"…they allowed me be proud of being me. Even if I was the daughter of a pedophile and his wife who didn't see.

    (I wrote this and then went to do yoga, and it came to me that I had a lot of people who saw me…and I need to acknowledge them for each gave me courage to continue on.  

    My husband.  He never once doubted me or asked me to do something that I wasn't comfortable with.  He allowed me to be "here I am", with out condtions.  My children too, have all left me be where I am comfortable and in turn, I have given them the same freedom.

    I also had a few sisters in the early days, who listened and cried with me. Their being there in the early days were extremely helpful. And I honored their decision to leave me be…and in turn I honor them.

    And, I had close friends who also listened, cried and understood…to the best of their abilities and I am sure often my 'troubles' were beyond their level of comprehending, but the listened and saw me.

    It was because of you all, I had the courage to be me, imperfectly.)