I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • I believe

                                "Believe, that I believe."  Cheryl Richardson

    My Lady quilts are back in the basement, their debut over, my coming out out.  

    It almost feels like the past two days, was about me going over the finish line, the ending of a birth…or even a return to just living.  For it seems like I have been on a dual journey, healing and living at once…with the emphasis on healing… and living was secondary.  It is like a huge job or task has come to an end.  

    Like I was in labor for 7 years and have just given birth.

    It is like I have been in mourning and creating a baby at the same time….and the quilts have equal emotions of sorrow and joy.

    A close friend and I were talking, and she shared with me how moved she became when trying to tell others about my journey, she couldn't get past the lump in her throat after a few quilts.  The emotion and feelings I had while creating them, are still there, lodged in the fibers, like my pain was removed from me and is now residing there, along with hope, confusion, lost self, etc.  They seem to connect with the subconscious places within…

    I hadn't counted on them being "moving" or that it would require others to feel so intensely.  I was amazed that friends who have been on this journey with me, who have witnessed huge portions of it, are still taken a back.  

    It was so unexpected…I was chuckling in the profundity of it all.

    Marveling at temerity of The Lady.

    I was laughing with my friend, but about The Lady… not her lack of composure.  

    It seemed absurd, that My Lady seemed to pull endless amounts of emotional energy, always deeply moving, no matter how familiar they are with me.  She still reaches deep.

    She never fails to elicite a reaction of the spirit.

    I am in awe of her power as well, it is way beyond me.

    I now feel like she is a complete set, that my work on getting her to her full power is done. 

    I created her and she created me, and we are both in a place now, where the deep excavating is over, we dug deep and rebuilt well.

    It was like my job was to create her and in doing so would heal me.  If at any time I would have stopped, we both would have been left incomplete.  I had this feeling of not being able to stop, that I was driven to create her.  It wasn't an option.

    Just as it wasn't an option to make a different choice, each time I was presented with following my truth or denying.  Truth was the only answer.  Just as working on ladies wasn't an option.  Nothing and I mean nothing else would raise my inner joy as she would.

    As I worked on My Lady; I was working on fixing my wounded self.  

    I see the story line quilts almost like x-rays of my wound being healed.

    While she filled my vessel with gallons of joy; she also carried away tubs of sorrow.

    Her and I are one.

    I can talk about myself in the third person when I have My Lady…she allows me to show my scars in an artful way.  She isn't scary like an abused child is, when you have no way of 'fixing' her.

    I know, to the depth of my being, to the first stitches of My Lady, that we are meant to be used to offer hope, to explain the affects of abuse and to display the journey out of the darkness, to show that it is possible to make it all the way out.

    We will never be able to erase a part, nor do we want to.  If we took out one quilt the story would be broken.  

    The beauty of My Lady, is that she began at zero, a nothing, worthless and faceless, she was born after her life of lies about destroyed her.  All she had was the love of quilting art…everything else about her was a lie.

    I had to create me again.

    My Lady walked with me, held my hand, kept joy when I was swimming in sorrow.

    Certainly, there were times when my life wasn't a life, but her life was filled with great mystery and excitement.

    Now my life and her life seem equal.

    We are both standing at the edge wondering what is next.

    When creating My Lady quilts, I would be intrigued in seeing if I could get her to sit down, to ride in a kayak, or dance and do yoga…now she will be seeing what she can make me do.

    Already, we have a book.

    We were featured in a quilt show.

    We have a second engagement scheduled for August 9th.

    We are gaining fans.

    I feel, and have always felt, she had magic, that she was of the Universe…that we were destined to be.

    It was for me to experience my life exactly as it has happened.

    That I have met the right people at the right time, all of them are handing me off to the next group, raising me higher and higher.  

    There is wind beneath My Lady and I that I am not in charge of.  Its course is already in the stars.

    What a ride, what a horrifying joyful ride…and I believe that the real work is about to begin, that My Lady and I are now ready to do what we were created to do, our life's purpose.

    As Cheryl Richard's quote says, "Believe, that I believe."  I have believed in My lady, always.  I have put my faith and my hope and my dreams and my life in her.

    I am her, I believe.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri


  • To Be Heard, Believed and Loved.

    Yesterday afternoon, I went to see my display with a girlfriend, one who has heard hours and hours of my life story, who is very close to knowing and understanding me, and yet…when she stood in front of my quilts, she began to see me more clearly…and was blown away by the story unfolding in my quilts.

    By the fifth quilt, she was in tears.

    I had her twin girls and we browsed the rest of the show to let her read, see and feel the display.

    It is like a magical story line, an incredible unbelievable 7 year art project, created in the darkness and sometimes out of order.  Yet when it all together it reads like a novel, but is actually non-fiction and raw at its core. And even I, who created it, feel the incredulousness of it all.

    How is it possible to show how it is when you don't know how it is.  

    To know how insignificant you are, while not knowing it, yet create that image.

    And to chronicle the journey unbeknownst to yourself.  It is like writing your memoir without writing it.

    As we stood there, other women happened by.  I talked to a women, who listened and gave me a hug before we parted. She took a slip of the WIND info.

    I have heard from the quilt ladies, that women want to buy the book, ask about what patterns I used…are talking how truthful and out there I am…  My Lady is causing ripples of conversations.

    My friend didn't want to leave the display, she wanted to tell the new comers about the story, about the Lady and I.

    It was good for me to go and to witness the reactions of women as they were stopped by My Lady.  I love that she demands your attention, she is hard to walk by. Even her beginnings are striking…with no woman present.

    As I strolled through the rest of the show, I saw wonderful fabrics and patterns intricately pieced together with mountains of patience and time…and behind each piece stood a woman or man, trying to execute perfectly their vision.  I call these quilts normal quilts.  I never could do this.  It is very hard for me to follow a pattern, I get agitated and stressed trying to follow an exact way.  It doesn't feel good for me. I feel immediate rebellion.

    What is so odd or not, is that following a pattern feels like a prison to me.

    I am sure, coming from where I came, (cult like religion full of rules and regulations of what you can do and what is absolutely forbidden) I need a place to escape, and I choose quilting for my free expression.

    And when my life fell apart and I wasn't able to express how I felt to those who I wanted to listen, I spoke in my quilts…my feelings were being expressed, I felt heard.

    Abuse wants our silence, so this was another way to be outspoken.

    I needed an avenue to be heard.

    Now I am taking it to main street.

    I love that my Lady has an audience.

    I love that people stop and listen.

    What all abused children need is an ear to hear, and eye to see and a hand to hold.

    My Lady is holding court…her feelings are flowing forth, and she is getting a loving reaction.  No one can silence and ignore her now.

    This is the wish of every abused child….to be heard, believed and loved.





  • What Spiritual Empowerment Looks Like.

    "Spiritual Empowerment is evidence in our lives by our willingness to tell ourselves the truth, to listen to the truth when it's told to us, and to dispense the truth as lovingly as possible, when we feel compelled to talk from the heart."  Christina Baldwin

    Spiritual empowerment is our willingness to be with the truth…and yet I felt like I was in the act of pure betrayal when I hung my quilts, that somehow I was doing something wrong, I had stepped over the bounds by displaying my truth.

    This is a deep seeded belief.  

    A core belief handed to us in sexual abuse; to bare the pain in silence, gathering our shame…never letting it see the light of day.  To go on acting normal after such a abnormal activity.

    Hanging my quilts was very empowering for my soul, and yet, a part of me is waiting to be punished.  That somehow I have broken the rule of humanity…by publicly displaying my own truths.

    It's weird to have feelings of wrong doing or getting caught, for telling the truth.  It seems these feelings would match lying instead.

    Underneath our family structure had to be this overwhelming sentiment, that we don't EVER, not EVER speak the truth about abuse.  It is the key to keeping our family together; our mutal silences.

    Even though I haven't been part of my family of origin for 7 years, I still feel their disapproval and non-support of how I am displaying my truth.  

    If, Spiritual Empowerment is to be with the truth, than to disempower the spirit would be to live among lies.

    It is funny in a sad way, that the very thing we need to do to empower our spirits is the very thing that leads us away from our families.  

    It would appear that I am the one to lose, since I am outside of my family, but all I really lost was the burden of being silent about my life experiences.  What I have gained is an empowered Spirit.

    So once again, my Spirit gains, and I am stepping further away from my family.

    It can't be helped.  There is no way you can remain in a family whose structure is built upon not living the truth and live a life that is empowering to your soul.

    What I also know, based on my experience, while I lived a life that didn't support my soul, I didn't even know it was missing.  My whole life was lived to please and placate others.  I wasn't present while being present.  There was no me there.

    The biggest lies for 46 years were the lies I told myself.

    The lies about my feelings.

    The lies about my emotions.

    The lies of saying yes when I felt no.

    The lies…all the small and insignificant lies that continued to create a me that wasn't really me.  

    All those lies dis-empowered my soul.

    Now, in order to get my power back, I must always reflect my truth.

    My Lady quilts show my journey in fabric…of being a lost soul; the affects of sexual abuse.

    Perhaps many don't want to know this fact, that they would feel better knowing you can still pull off a life that appears normal….but underneath you have the rotting of your soul.

    While many are unable to articulate this, I feel that my quilts depict this remarkably, how small and powerless I was inside.

    And, they also show the growth that happens when you walk in your truth.

    The quilt display will move some to walk stronger and with more courage towards their truth, it shows the possibilities.

    What Spiritual Empowerment looks like.




  • Into the World!

    Burning the midnight oil on Independence Day, trying to finish up all the last minute details; tomorrow I hang my Story Line Quilts for the Strawberry Festival.

    It is a nice coincidence that it happens to be Independence Day, a day of freedom. 

    I am a bit nervous as I will be exposing my Self and my journey and opening myself up to the eyes of many.  A part of me feels excited that the quilts are leaving the basement and heading out on a journey…it feels right, it is time.

    Many scenarios run through my mind and my stomach flips and then I remember I can't know how it all will go…this is our maiden voyage.

    I have done my part…I have quilted each one by feelings and without worrying about where they would go or what they would do…and they all found each other in a line; my story line.

    It feels like a completion and a new beginning…a milestone, a different direction.

     My Lady and I are about to begin a new adventure; out of the basement and into the world!  

    Happy Fourth of July, 2012!

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     Beach Bum 


  • One Less Suffering Soul.

    In reading the Extoots.blogspot.com post today, I felt the two sides of leaving a very strict religion and the joy outside of it, how it is twofold, for you have to reconcile the beliefs you were raised in, while integrating yourself into what was preached as a sinful world; to go out and explore what it offers as well as engaging with folks outside of religion; to open up and trust yourself and them.

    I love to read how others are managing the entry into the great big world and how it feels.

    It wasn't that I was not out in the world, but it was my viewpoint of those outside of the religion, this deep seeded belief we were taught to believe, that arose in the face of anyone outside of the church.

    They are pre-judged by the preachers…all put into one category, dumped into a depository labeled Worldly and Sin Full; people going to Hell.

    What is so liberating and thrilling is to greet the world and let them show you who they are; to arrive empty waiting to receive what they have to offer…to sit with an open mind…to not feel their inevitable doom, but instead see them as fellow travelers on this journey called life…equal.

    When you can see others as free spirits, you are seeing yourself in them.

    You are free.

    What a tragic crime so many religions preform, when they gather groups of people and toss them away…by filling our minds with beliefs we were too young to ward off.

    Our invitation to the living in the world had so much of it off limits and filled with sin and evil…it was a fearful place to be.

    And yet, at the same time, the church had this haven like description, while it preached against so much of life.  It didn't allow for most of living…what it wanted most was a crippled version of our selves.

    Stunted and deformed.

    When we do exit these cult like religions, it is like we get new eyes in which to see. Eyes that are not covered by the preachers words of sin.

    Hard to wrap your brain around, unless you were raised with this mutilated view of the world.

    What I love is the experiences that are written about the horrors of what we were taught, and then the delights to go out and explore and see what was labeled Evil is really Joy, Love and Peace…and that the Evil was in the church.

    To watch the dawning and feeling their joy…the freedom that is hard won, the reward for leaving!  And I know, there is one less suffering soul…



  • Wrong View of Life

    ‎"The mind composed of ignorance or wrong view suffers from spiritual disease; it sees falsely. Seeing falsely causes it to think falsely, see falsely and act falsely. You will see that everyone, without exception, has the spiritual disease." Ajahn Buddhadasa

    "In Pali, the ancient source language of Buddhism and Hinduism, the word for mental illness means "wrong view". We must be careful not to interpret this righteously, as in, If you see things differently than I, you are wrong. The wisdom lies here in the revelation that our wellness of mind hinges on how clear and true we remain to the pulse of life itself." Mark Nepo

    I have said about myself, that I had a "mental breakdown" when actually I was going through a change of view.  I was beginning to see things clear and true…being at one with the pulse of life itself.  

    I love this for it makes complete sense to me.  It wasn't that life was wrong, but rather my mind was comprised of ignorance and it then seen life falsely, which had me speaking and acting falsely.

    I find great peace in reading this for it matches my experience.  

    Here is another paragraph;

    "At heart, our mental health comes out of the sacred relationship between our deepest Self and the very source of life.  The moment we distort, limit or rationalize things away from what they truly are, we start to experience the spiritual disease that Ajahn Buddhadasa speaks of."

    This is why I am so vigilant if you will to try and align myself with what is, to not try and distort or rationalize or change the way things truly are; my mental health depends on it.

    Of all of Mark Nepo's writing this has to be number one for me, for it echos my experience of the mind and how it can have a wrong view of life.



  • Born this Way.

    Tony Robbins spoke about being Feminine…a viewpoint I wasn't aware of.

    I never thought of where our feminine natures came from or how they were inspired or nurtured…and learned; that if a woman has to be the one in control, who is required to be strong, she is neglecting her soft side.

    I have been exploring my feminine side now for the past 7 years.  This side was eclipsed from me.

     As a child it wasn't a safe place to be.  

    My being feminine was the very source of my abuse.  My father liked little girls…to satisfy his sexual desires.  It wasn't safe to be feminine.  It was scary to be soft and vulnerable.

    And, my body knew no one was in charge.  I had no one who was stronger than I. My mother wasn't able to respond to my abuse.  My father wasn't able to not hurt me.  It is no wonder that my feminine side was sorely neglected.  I had to be the tough one.

    I knew I didn't have access to this vulnerable soft nurturing self, but I just thought I was born this way…It was good to hear how I grew this way.

    I also feel that I am now able to relax and be feminine…that I can actually have both sides of being human.  

    I learned to be strong in my choices, to stand up for my feelings, instead of being strong while being in abusive relationships. 

    There is an ocean of difference between the two.

    Being strong while being subjected to abuse language or actions isn't strong, it is being without a choice.  Unable to move or to have free expression, isn't strong, it is a frozen victim.

    To be able to extricate yourself, to begin to move after years of remaining frozen is a task that will require great strength and inner fortitude, but it can be done.

    It will be seen as a weakened state, to tuck tail and run…seen as a traitor to the family etc, but it will awaken the feminine soft and vulnerable side within you.

    As you begin to make choices, the emotions, which I heard yesterday means to move.  Your emotions will come alive, you will begin to move and be moved by feelings.

    This frozen state we are put in when we have no choice but to withstand the blows, leaves us without access to our emotions.  We have to squelch them in order to not be hit or shuned or kicked out.  Hide our emotions and don't move.  

    Once we start moving and feeling and following our emotions, we will be reconnected inside.  I didn't have to go and find these feelings, these feelings began to feel free to be expressed. 

    Years worth of crying was stored inside of me.  Years worth of feelings bubbled to the surface. 

    I wasn't born cold and unfeeling, I was that way in order to please my parents…I had to make no moves, emit no emotions; I couldn't be unruly in the chaos, I had to be the calm in the storm.

    I had to make our family look normal…by being a 'good' girl.

    Imagine the task at hand for a young child…to dissolve a pedophile and his knowing wife and create them to be normal folk.

    The same strength it took to try and create this image is the exact strength I used to tear it down. To sit down and not lift a finger to paint them pretty, but to let them be in their raw glory.

    A family of abuse.  We looked like it, talked like it, stood like it, acted like, lived like it, and yet we had to be silent and pretend it wasn't happening…frozen in a land of impossibilities.

    I am seen as unruly, acting untoward in regards to family.  I am the oddity, the black sheep, the cold hearted bitch, by literally being able to move.  I am no longer frozen and stuck, I am free to say and feel and act in the manner in which it suits my truth.

    Again, I have a hard time trying to picture my old life…but can feel the heavy garment of restraint I lived under.  Like trying to be joyful and free, while wearing a iron suit of armour.

    We don this garment in order to protect our soft sides…pushing down and back all our emotions and walk in the world minus our feelings.

    Like little army men ready for battle hits.

    I also recall the day my suit or armour crumbled, when I shook and the truth was able to penetrate beneath this armour, when my feelings hooked up with the truth, the suit of armour fell away.  

    I recall feeing so helpless and vulnerable, so naked and raw, like a newborn child…with nothing to protect me but the truth.  It seemed so flimsy.

    Yet its strength is stronger than my former suit of armour…it penetrated it.

     It broke it.

    My suit of armour that I used to survive was called pretend…denial.  A fantasy that I created.

     My feminine side lay beneath the armour.  It was reborn the moment someone else seen my truth.  My truth came out in the papers, on the news on TV, it wasn't so much my father was a pedophile, but that it was he, who stole my feminine side.  I didn't know it was wrecked and stuffed away.  I thought I was born this way.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

     I love that my feminine side is coming out in quilts…the Lady!






  • Shaped by Abuse.

    I listened to a re-run about conflict and how it creates who you are, IF you face it and let it change you.  

    Donald Miller and Ed Bacon were having a discussion about how your life would look if they made a documentary about it?  

    When you were faced with a personal dilemma, did it change you and help you grow, or did you walk away from being uncomfortable and not wanting to face your fears?

    I found this very interesting and from a different perspective than last time I heard them talking…this time I could see how the Universe actually sets up conflicts in your way, for you to chose.  It is your decision on how you respond that defines you, not the amount of conflicts in your life.

    From my own experience, I am very grateful that I had a huge life conflict, one with many parts that needed me to respond…and all the struggles with fear and pain all created who I am today.  

    I thought as I drove along the route today, I can't even imagine me unchanged.  That how incredibly lucky I was to have the opportunity to have been delivered a huge life changing moment. To find out my father was a pedophile, allowed many structures that supported who I was, to fall.  When it all fell, I was able to then begin building up my life.

    My life story shows me facing conflicts….not avoiding them.

    The devastating truth actually was a brilliant gift that would change me and my life completely. Had this not happened, I would never have gotten to know me.

    I would have been in a life, but not one that was reflective of my soul…I would have lived a life, but remained unchanged.

    We are taught to work very hard to Not have changes in our lives, when changes are actually growth spurts, creative moments that enhance who we are.  

    What I mostly got out of today's listening is that without conflict, we would stay the same.  And that fighting to stay the same, is actually stunting your growth.

    Next time conflict comes knocking, when drama is delivered, when life takes a turn that is asking it seems too much of me, I will know that it is for me to expand as a person.

    The more conflict and life transitions we sucessfully navigate, the more our life will become a very interesting and unique documentary. 

    We document our life by how we live.  When we die, what will they see?  A person who was unaffected by life or one who was transformed by life?

    It broke me out of the trance of following.  What kind of a documentary would it be to watch a woman follow along compliantly?  To be just one of the sheep…and not a black sheep that decided to do something different…to change directions and go her own way.

    It is hard to even recollect the trance I lived as…now that I am wide awake and seeing, feeling and moving freely.

    What really sticks with me, is the strength it takes to put a child under the trance, to steal their free movement and make them follow.

    Abuse adds another twist, not only are you in a trance, but you are also living in a home with abusers…being abused, but not able to move.

    What I also know, is that it will take efforts of herculean strength to gain back your movement, to get out of the cyclone affect of our mind's trance.  What appears to work is to literally go against the flow of what you have become comfortable with, to do things unlike you. 

    To say no, instead of yes. To stay home instead of going, to speak up instead of remaining silent; to do the opposite.

    I didn't know I was stuck until the machinery that kept my father's truth hidden, broke.  I was set free when all I believed upon became a lie.

    Free from the trance of lies and pretend…a 'reality' in your mind only.

    My mind broke…and I fell out of the trance.  I didn't know a free Beth, but I was willing to go and find out.  It took awhile to find her stride, to become used to her new ways; to even become used to being a single, instead of being one of a group.

    Ed Bacon suggested, that our life's mission on earth is to face our conflicts, that they are served to us so we have something to push upon to form who we were meant to be.

    I know that as odd as it seems, I was meant to live the exact life I did for 46 years and then to completely transform myself. To change and be in the same reality, but no longer a victim but a person who was shaped by abuse.


  • It is an Experience.

    Driving home from the meeting last night, pondering my status as a woman representing the victim end, it came to me that I am not a victim, but a woman who has experienced being a victim.  While to some, this slight viewpoint may not seem like much, it is everything.

    Being a spokesperson for the victim team if you will, I want the message to be that we are experiencing the affects of abuse., we are wounded.

    Just as people experience going through cancer, we are experiencing going through abuse…we no more want to be stuck, but rather be in the process of leaning towards health.

    Depending upon how long we have gone untreated, the process will vary.

    I lived untreated for 46 years, and by the time I recognized that who I had been living as wasn't the natural me, but a me that grew awkwardly due to abuse, I had a whole life built.

    There is a vast difference between my natural self and the one that lived so as I could survive living among my abusers.

    Once I separated myself from my family, my natural self was able to start flourishing.

    What I want all victims to know, is that abuse is something you experience, and it is there to show you many things; about your self and others.  It is not you, but something that happened to you.  It can be a great teacher in showing you what kind of boundaries you have and perhaps how to start building new ones.  It can be the start of a beautiful growing process.

    Experiencing what you will not tolerate, shows you what you will.  I am hopeful that Women In New Directions will be a safe place to explore all facets of being a woman.  Many women with varied experiences.

    Our experiences shape us and we can be a co-creator, depending upon our responses.  Sexual abuse isn't a state of being, it is an experience.


  • My Lady and I, and WIND.

    I spent a few hours with a group of women who are working to organize a Women's Mentoring Group.  Our vision is to form a community of women in the community, that will support each other as we move in new directions…hence our name, "Women In New Directions"  WIND

    I see WIND as challenging you to move forward, encouraging new growth and adding life skills…offering classes and outings to strengthen your true self, encouraging your spirit and passions. The push we all sometimes need to try something new.

    We will have a call out to women in the community with something to learn or something to teach. 

    This is the natural evolution of my Lady, taking her from fabric to real life.  

    Nearly 12 years ago, I was on a plane with a new friend at the time. We were traveling for work, putting on conferences around the country.  We each thought it would be fun to organize fun things for women to do…WIND is the answer to that long ago wish.

    There are no limits to WIND.  Our target age begins at 12…and will be as high as our oldest member…you are never too old to join or be part of WIND.

    My Lady has a part in this group…she will be the entry point of bringing awareness to sexual abuse, but in an artful manner. She will be used to be a symbol of WIND, she will be part of the group, like I am.  Her and I, will represent the victim side, the side that needs a hand along the way….wisdom and hope.

    I love that she is accepted in the WIND group…along with me.

    Who knows where we will go, My Lady and I, and WIND.

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