I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • They Love Company

    As I drove up to a house today to get a signature, my new friend met me.  

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    He was not afraid at all to check out my new mail car…

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    He just came in close to see what was going on…. as I backed up he kept up with me…and as I drove away….he followed.  I had to speed up, so that he would not follow me down the road. 

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    This encounter had me smiling!  You just never know how your day will go on the mail route.  I love that he gets to roam free and isn't behind a fence….although, perhaps this was his only free day. How fun for him, he got to get up close and personal with a car!  

    When I was backing up he came to my open window, but I was a bit nervous, so I didn't let him get too close….I wasn't sure what he would do.  

    A nice encounter for us both!  Animals are usually the only ones home during the day….and while the owners are away….they love company.


  • Loving Action Towards Family

    I took a break from yoga this morning and instead sipped tea by the fireplace, listened to the birds outside, with a heat pack on my legs.  

    Being part of Taking Back the Night panel, brought up old emotions and feelings and my body responds…it feels once again the essence of abuse; the fear of breaking the silence along with the frustration of not being heard…of finding the correct message that will pierce the inertia.

    What will it take to get those who know but are frozen… unable to move?  Can I speak clear and articulately?  Can my voice be a representation of victims who are not able to sit in public breaking their silence?  

    It isn't like I have been voted to represent all victims; but sitting on stage as the only victim I slide into that position.  I speak for the child…I feel as the child….yet with a voice that uses big words, and impacting metaphors….but is it enough?

    The pattern has been broken for me…my silence is a thing of the past.  I am doing what hasn't been done in my family before, I stood up and walked out.  Not because I didn't love them, but because I did.

    One of my brothers asked me, "Why do you seem to want to help all other  victims, but not any of my daughters?"  This question came after years of silence between us.  He also stated, "Do you think this is how she thought it would end? Do you think she would have come forward if she knew her father's family would be torn apart stitch by stitch? I think she just wanted him to stop."

    How do you make a molester stop?  Can you?  Is it possible to keep the family intact, completely and have a new healing way?  

    What I feel most, is that the family Unit becomes the sacred cow….and abuse is secondary.  Decisions will be made to impact lightly the family which leaves abuse a wide berth to park itself into.

    What I have seen is that most want to deal with abuse as a side job, but not the main event.  The main event is to keep the family humming along like the past…remaining unchanged.  Impossible.

    IF, this was possible, the third generation of children would not be at risk by my father.

    In my experience, in order to ensure that you are not repeating the same pattern, YOU have to act differently, your choices must reflect a change and your actions will no longer be the same…otherwise, you are still in the exact same environment that the abuse occurred in.  If you work like hell to keep it all the same, the same will happen again.

    Perhaps not to your daughter, but to someone Else.

    While I have been cast out as mental and cold, bitter and certainly 'not healed'….I believe that my radical actions are the only defense against abuse within the family unit.

    My mother tried to keep the family stitched together, to be vigilant, to be forgiving, to focus up ahead in the future, to not look back…..and in doing so, more and more victims littered the roadway of my father's life.

    How is my response seen as negative. That I am not a hero and instead the cold hearted bitch who is 'refusing to be part of the family'?  

    How do you all expect to have little children come forth and speak up about abuse, IF my treatment will be theirs?  

    Our 'best' efforts got us to this point….where my father's reign has gone on for 40 years and counting….yes counting.  He is allowed access to his Great Granddaughter.  For Family comes before abuse.

    It is kind to keep family first.

    Is it?

    Let us see.  

    What I know for certain, is that my pathway is empty of family cheerleaders, but one.

    Out of a family of 14 children, one claps as I walk on.

    Unless we do a 360 in the way we treat those who stand up and walk out of families of abuse, Abuse will destroy our families from the inside out.  

    The brother doesn't see my actions as being beneficial to family….they are not.  But, they certainly create a harsh environment for abuse to flourish.

    Being the oldest sister and one of Ray Huhta's first victims…I was challenged and berated for not stopping this in my youth, for not breaking the silence then…or in the years intervening…and yet when I do so….How is it received?  

    We keep putting the total weight of ending the cycle of abuse upon the victims….while bystanders seems to counter act our actions.  

    In the score board of help Ray Huhta received compared to what I have….there is no contest. Abuse wins hands down.

    It could drop me to the ground If I would fully bring in the vast emptiness of family support.

    When a family is infested with abuse, you can't save family without saving abuse too.

    Impossible.

    Abuses greatest weapon is kindness and softness and allegiance to family…it wins when the sacredness of family is focused on.  Abuse rides along unscathed.

    Abuse isn't an item that you can put on a shelf or discard….it is in the fabric of the folks that make up the family.  In order to stop abuse, you, each member of the family has to remove abuse from their lives.  

    Your actions and words and deeds have to reflect this.  It isn't a belief, a thought or an understanding.  

    Each of our lives will either tolerate abusive behaviors or not….

    Family isn't a place, it is how we treat each other.

    No longer tolerating abuse is a loving action towards family.

  • The Sturdy Wall of Doing Nothing!

    The first "Take Back the Night" event happened. The panel arrived and spoke…into a very sparse audience.  However, the newspaper and TV reporters were there taking notes and filming…so the reach was further than the four walls.  

    Each sharing held a part of a long journey of abuse, from the nurse who collects forensic evidence, to the Dial Help person who speaks in the schools, to a woman in charge of a new women's shelter….the detective and then me.  All of us brought together for one common goal, to help victims of sexual abuse.

    Our viewpoints vary, our expertise diverse, and our messages and intents sincere, hoping to light a spark within, to Shatter the Silence and begin the journey of breaking the pattern of abuse.

    If one person changes the way they respond to sexual abuse, our night was a success. 

    The common theme is often, "I don't know what to do….I am not sure IF he is an abuser or I don't know what to say to the family I suspect abuse is going in…." are perfect responses. No one knows for certain what should be done, what is the right path, BUT what we all know for certain, doing nothing will stop nothing.

    You don't have to be articulate, educated and have a plan in hand….but you do have to be willing to stick your neck out, to stand up and take the heat to spare a child.  One panelist spoke of peer pressure or bystander accountability. 

    We as adults are very much accountable for what we do and say….or perhaps don't do and not say.  No one wants to 'color' the pedophile wrongly….or they don't know what to say to the wife of a perp….or how to approach the children or extended family.  

    The subject of abuse is not one that is spoken out loud.  And while we remain Unsure, the pedophiles remain very sure and confident of their mission….and the children's lives swing in the balance.

    I for one, am not willing to excuse adult's behavior of "doing nothing" because they don't know what to do.

    Dial Help.  Call Tom Rosemurgy….their jobs are to help you help the children.  You don't have to know what to do, but you do have to let those who can help know.

    You know how to dial a phone.  You know how to talk.  You can state your fears, your suspicions….what the talk around the neighborhood is.  If you know and don't make the call, you are standing on the side of abuse…..not against it.

    I didn't arrive last night to sit on the panel with a volume of "knowing what to do"…but I did come with piles of information on what happens when you do nothing.  I am the result.  My family is the picture perfect example of 40 plus years of folks knowing and doing nothing.

    The pattern of Not calling the detectives or Dial help has to be broken.  Their lines should be inundated with calls and pleas of help.  I know that there are folks who know, but don't know what to do.

    I am here to tell you, you call.  That is the first step to break out of the pattern of abuse. YOU call and ask for Help.  

    I am here too.  I will walk with you.  I will do what I can to help you to begin the process of exposing the monsters who are preying upon the children.  The children are waiting for someone to break the silence…will it be you?  And if not you who?  

    All of the panelists are waiting ready to serve….we are not expecting you to walk alone. We all arrived there last tonight to hold your hand.  Reach out and we will be there.  This is the job of a community, of many hands and avenues of expertise….no one is expected to do this alone.  By making one call, you will enter into a vast community of folks who know what to do….you are not alone.  Break the silence and you will find folks who can help.  

    The steps towards healing and standing against abuse is to be the one to dare shatter the silence!  Children are suffering behind the sturdy wall of doing nothing. 


  • Shatter Their Silence.

    Tonight at Michigan Tech in  ME-EM 112 (which is R.L. Smith Hall)., there will be the first annual "Take Back the Night" event.  

    Shatter the SilenceTrademark symbol
    Breaking The Silence Through Storytelling 

    “It takes two people to speak the truth: One to speak and another to hear.” – Henry David Thoreau

    Take Back The Night’s supporters have always understood the power of speaking out. Rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse and domestic violence are often labeled “crimes of silence” because of low reporting rates and social discomfort with their public discussion.

    There will be a walk after the discussion.  

    I, along with Tom Rosemurgy (Houghton County Detective), and Dial Help staff and a few others, I don't know yet, will be on the panel.  

    Just coming to hear is the first step in being part of the dialogue.  Silence is the only way sexual abuse will continue.  

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    I donated this quilt….and it will be framed and hung in the lobby of Dial Help.  I hope it inspires others to shatter their silence.

  • More than Before.

    Me and my little red mail car….are having a time getting used to each other.  And actually, if you were just to drive it regular and not try and make her into a mail car, she would be just fine.

    One of the first things added to her, is the Flashing Light.  The first one, was awesome, but it kept buring out fuses…so I had a light for the first half hour of my 4 1/2 hour route. The second one, same thing…it blew fuses before I hit the coutry roads.  Finally we got one that would not blow fuses, but when I went over 40 miles an hour, IT blew off the roof.  

    The first time this happened, I didn't know what in the world had happened, I heard a clunking sound on the drivers door….then I saw the wire.  The first day, this happened 4 times.  Yes, I forgot to remember not to go fast.  It truly looks odd to have a flashing light hanging down on the drivers door.  Perhaps a new fade???

    Today, the car's fan wouldn't blow…well, it didn't blow when I wanted it to blow…but later on, while driving on a rough gravel road, on came the fan.  Guess it just needs a few bumps to wake it up.  The same bumps seem to disconnect, momentarily, my Sirius Radio…so the bumps are good and bad for parts of the car.

    Not having a cup holder has been a challenge to see where to put my drink.  I purchased an old fashion cup holder that hangs from the window.  It is on the door closet to me, the one I have to get out of to deliver packages.  I have spilled pop now twice…Paul has taped it up, in hopes of it staying in place. 

    This car also has an automatic hair styler as well.  I sit so close to the dash, my head is about on the ceiling and I have static standing up hair for most of my ride.  Nice added bonus.

    I am learning patience and finding creative ways to get my job done in this car.  At times I feel and look completely stressed out….right down to the hair standing on end, flashing light on the door, pop dripping down the door….fan on…oh no, bump now off….radio on, bump, now radio off.  Ugh…oh and deliver mail, watch for chickens in the road, along with other feathered friends….deer and a few dogs etc…oh and get close enough to the mail boxes so you can actually reach them without backing up.

    Before most of the hazards of the job were outside of the car, now I seem to have a precariously balanced routine inside; which distracts me from the outside.  As I concentrate of not going too fast, I forget that I am holding up traffic driving slowly down the road.  Then I forget to go slow, and down comes the light.  Now I have to stop…and now I really am a nuisance on the road.

    I can see that the more distracted you are the less aware you become.  If it wasn't so hazardous, it would be funny.  When I step out of the car, I feel like I have been released from a highly confused space…

    This shows me how it is like to live with lots of things going on inside of you…while trying to be in reality or in this moment of time.  It is impossible be with both at the same time.

    It is like having too many things begging for my attention at one time and I can't know which one to focus on first.  

    I certainly took for granted many things inside of the jeep. From the cup-holders, yes I had two.  One for my water and one for my lunch drink.  From the light never thinking of jumping off when I hit 40 miles an hour…to a nice and steady fan and radio playing tunes or CD's of my choice…let alone having my mail and packages easily accessible…and gas and break pedals in easy reach of my feet.

    Having to adapt to a car instead of having the car all set for me has been an interesting experience to say the least.  It for one showed me how spoiled I was and how I had come to not even see how much was set up for me, until it was no longer there.

    I guess it true what they say, "You don't know what you got until it is gone…" And all I can know is that when I do get it back….I will appreciate it so much more than before!


     

  • Made up for what I lost.

    "Hard as it is, we cannot shrink from our relationships or we simply become an audience or gofer for the dominant partner or friend.  Like most of us, I have struggled with this my whole life; fearful of what might happen if I actually voice my concerns and needs, surprised that doing so – while not always easy or pleasant – always enables me to be myself more fully."

    "Then, not by chance, I'm always more able to feel and see the world around me.  I bring more to the scene and am revitalized more readily by my daily experience."

    "The great philosopher Martin Buber, who believed that God is most deeply known through relationships, spoke to the heart of this paradox.  He said that before there can be a true relationship, there must be two separate beings who can relate.  Most of our life experience bears this out.  Unless we work to be ourselves, we can never truly know others or the numinous world we live in."  Mark Nepo," The Book of Awakening"


    "Two separate beings who can relate…"  This is the heart of all relationships….IF we can relate.  It isn't about each individual, but can we each arrive in this moment of time and be fully with it.

    In walking through many relationships asking for them to be with my truth, I found very few to relate to.  Most wanted me to relate to their position of keeping the old family ways going.

    It isn't that each of us alone are the issue, but what we become as we join each other in relating to situations.

    I know that my marriage has been based upon how each of us relate to a life change….we don't have to relate the same, but we have to arrive in the present with truth and then respond.

    Our responses are not always the same.  In the past, this would leave me unsettled, for I thought that 'close' people all respond in unison.  What I know now, is that each of us come through life with our own views and respond appropriately for our walk.

    I most often am very reactive in abuse type situations…whereas he is much more calm and can process before leaping.  Both of us are aware of the same situation, but respond differently.

    We relate in our true selves.  He is willing and able to claim his actions…as much as I do mine.  We are open and willing to be fearless to be ourselves.  I should say, "I am willing to be open and fearless at being myself….for my husband has never had troubles with this.  He is who he is…and makes no apologies.  I used to worry and fret about being me…for the fear of upsetting someone.

    My fears were founded.  When I began to relate with life differently, As Myself -for myself-, I lost many relationships.  Yet, the wonder of fearlessly being me made up for what I lost.

     "There will never be an "Us" if I play small."  Sharon Preiss

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    We took this truck to Marquette this past weekend. This is the same truck we started dating in in 1982. He bought it brand new…and has had it painted since.  We are still two separate beings who can relate.  We are different, but we keep finding a common ground.  I love him for letting me be me…and I love him for always being himself.  Just like great things in nature….

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    The rocks along Lake Superior, Presque Isle, Marquette

  • I will Dance in Mine!

    "I am often surprised and humbled by how quickly in my insecurity I can begin to assume responsibility for all the wrongs and sufferings I see around me.  When thrown off-center, when old patterns return, when feeling exhausted or depressed, I so quickly become the exaggerated cause of all that is not right with the world."  

    "I know I am not alone in this.  Perhaps it is one of the laws of emotional weather; sudden lows result in isolated storms.  It has happened to me enough over the years that I have to acknowledge the power of Negative Self-Centeredness.  We typically think of the ego-centered as being conceited and self-inflated and quite selfish.  But this recurring struggle with exaggerated responsibility has made me realize that more often we are ego-centered with feeling deflated, when feeling shaken from our sense of oneness with things.  In that place of separation, we become darkly self-centered, blaming ourselves for not fixing things or making things right or for letting bad things happen. Underneath these self-recriminations is the grandiose assumption that we have the power, in the first place, to control events that are really beyond any human being's influence."

    "Certainly, we affect each other, and often, but to assume that other people's inner moods hinge on my presence is an egocentric way to keep myself in a cycle of sacrifice and guilt.  Further, to assume that another's condition or way of being in the world hinges on my presence is the beginning of self-oppression and co-dependence.  In extreme moments of negative self-centeredness, we can assume magical proportions of burden, in which we feel acutely responsible for a loved one's illness or misfortune because we weren't good enough or perfect enough."  Mark Nepo

    In the past few days, okay 53 years, I have experienced this negative self-centeredness.  It is truly an awful feeling…feeling responsible for others…I just had not thought of how incredibly "special" I was trying to make myself and then how "unspecial" the other feels…when I take on their responsibilities.

    However I have been getting better at dropping the responsibility and letting others carry themselves.  Yet, there are moments when I do pick them up for a few days and carry them along. And it is true, I do see them as less while I carry them.

    And at first glance, at least to me, it seems harsh to not pick them up…when with my limited knowledge it seems they "Need" me…(even if they have not asked…)

    My body has bore the brunt of this negative self-centeredness and it responds quickly when my mind stirs up another's life…I get a sharp clutching knot in my neck…the strain of mentally being responsible in a life that isn't mine.

    In yoga today, I had a mantra, that I released in different poses, to let go of the tightness of being in control, while clearly not capable of being…"I am responsible just for me!"….or "I am not responsible in other lives."

    If I had to boil down my dysfunction to one pattern that I repeat time and time again, it is this one.  Negative Self Centeredness. 

    Who knew that in jumping into lives I was pushing in ahead them and their God and Universe…wow.

    Hard to justify the two…for at first glance it appears to be 'helpful'…caring even…when I was actually putting them down as I got in front of their God.

    What I do love, is that at the end of the day, and the end of tossing around thoughts in my head, all I am responsible for is Me.

    Today I pushed aside the cape of rescuing someone by being responsible, and focused instead on my Art. Thankfully I have a place I can go that will shove aside the voices urging me to don my cape and get involved. 

    Here is what I did instead of playing God in someone's life today…

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    I love the Ladies dancing to their own beat…For each of us hears life and move in the way we feel best.

    Dance to the feelings of your Life…and I will dance in mine!

     

     

  • By Our Own Free Will

    "In the Reality of nonduality, there is neither privilege nor gain nor loss nor rank.  Just like a cork in the sea, each spirit rises or falls in the sea of consciousness of its own level by virtue of its own choices – not by any external force or favor. Some are attracted by the light and some seek the darkness, but it all occurs of its own nature by virtue of Divine freedom and equality."  David Hawkins

    I love that each of us rise or fall in the sea of consciousness, and it isn't the fault of the sea or the Universe…but rather our spirits are attracted and seek certain levels.  We are all equal corks and one sea of consciousness…but our choices decide which part of the sea we float in.

    Knowing this; my choices will either float my spirit into the areas of darkness or into places of light.  

    It isn't by the hand of a wrathful God, but rather by our choices…that leads us to where we are.

    And I have learned most by seeing the end game of different choices…I have learned to choose differently to gain a different outcome.

    I love that the whole sea of consciousness is wide open…and we bob along in it by our own free will.

     

  • What I drive.

    When you use a vehicle for work, it does have certain requirements to make the job easier to navigate and getting into the grove with a new car takes time.  I use the word "new" very loosely.

    My "new" car and I had a bumpy start.

    I had to first decide where I was going to sit, in the middle or all the way over in the passenger seat.  I tried both.  Neither had the comfortable feel of the Jeep I had gotten used to.  

    So, I started out all the way over and the seat pushed up so far that my knees were touching the glove box.  It didn't feel too bad, but I thought perhaps I could make a few adjustments to make it easier to get a routine going.

    Everything just seemed off enough, that I was then off.

    I then re-adjusted every thing and sat in the middle.  There, it seemed my gas foot was too cramped up…the rear view mirror on my forehead, and the mail tray falling head first off the seat. ( I usually had a lunch box (cooler) that would keep it from slipping off head first.)  Since I had the jeep, no need for that cooler, so I now had a nice lady type lunch bag….which is useless for holding up a mail tray.

    So, back to re-adjusting…back where I started. 

    We all forget the latest gagets that have allowed us all to operate a vehicle with ease and the cars are set to assume what our needs are.

    Like cup holders for our drinks.  When lunch came around, there was no place to put my drink. There is a spot on the glovebox door, which you have to keep open, but not like a hole it can go in.  One sharp corner and the pop can would slide off….so, I had to use my legs.  And at first I didn't sit with my knees together, lady like…for I am used to sitting more manly.  Ugh.  It is the small things, that make our lives smooth.

    Like having a button to pop the trunk.  Or power windows and mirror adjustments….to name a few.  And I would reach for my right hand drive steering wheel in front of me…only to realize it is now on the left.  It will take time and before long, I will be comfortable and not even notice where things are, they will be automatic.

    I had to have duplicate keys made that would allow me not to have to shut the car off each time I needed a package or mail tray from the trunk….and I tried the keys out before heading up to Wal-mart.  They worked wonderfully….I now felt like I had gotten a leg up on the car.

    As I was leaving the stop light, I noticed that my trunk was open.  Yep, I had driven a mile and a half with the trunk wide open…and I wasn't going to stop there, so I kept going.  Chuckling to myself, drove into the parking lot of Wal-Mart…feeling totally like an old lady in an old lady car.

    It is amazing to me how you can take on and personify the vehicle you drive.

    No more mud bogging big four wheel drive confident strong woman…now I drive around trunk up, all confused inside the 1994 Cutlass Sierra. 

    AND, I had just been giving myself a 'self talk' that a car doesn't make the woman….only to be shown it certainly does.  

    My daughter is looking to purchase a newer car…and her shopping wasn't about engines etc…but sounded more like buying an accessory.  Now I get it. What it looks like does make a difference in how you feel and I guess how you act while driving.

    My self image is having trouble keeping up…who am I?  I guess it depends on what I drive!

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    Guess, I will have to buy an even older car to get back my coolness.  (This was at a car show in Hayward Wisconsin…)

  • The Body Awaits our Attention.

    "A Spiritual Life is about becoming more at home in your own skin."  Parker J. Palmer

    While doing yoga this morning, well it was actually after yoga, that it occurred to me, that by doing yoga I am taking care of the living breathing body that my awareness lives in.  I could see it as one would a plant…how it is alive.

    That tending to my body is to nurture and care for a living thing.

    In the past, the reasons were more removed from the actual living breathing body, they were about getting rid of a pain, or slimming down, but I truly don't believe I could see that I was caring for a magnificent living organism.

    Being a good caretaker of the body, for me, means doing yoga.  I move better or the body does…it is more limber and stands taller with more muscle to support it.  The body awaits our attention.