I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • A broken Heart can open you up to you.

    I made it to the yoga mat today, the third time in a week.  I was surprised that my yoga was waiting for me, that my poses were pretty much where I left them.  

    I was a little stiff, and a bit wobbly in locking my knee, and my middle had bulked out some, which didn't make that much of a difference.

    Today, when I went into the first floor exercise, and lifted my left leg, the pain in my hip or joint area was very intense.  As in the past, I began asking it what was its source…and when I said the word guilty, immediately I began to sob.

    It felt like I was left feeling guilty for being abused, that I was carrying the guilt and it constricted me, made me curl into myself.  I began doing what David Hawkins suggested, to cancel the guilt beliefs about myself, and breathed in the knowing of innocence.

    As I do the floor exercises my belly button hernia sometimes bothers me, so I was rubbing that and wondering what belief or what message the body was delivering with this bulging of my guts. How did this develop… I asked was it that I was "spilling my guts" and nothing happened.  I then pondered if I hated my guts, if I as disgusted with myself, and again immediately an emotional response.  I acknowledge this wrong belief, feeling the innocent me getting this wrong…and then did the cancelling breathing and adding that I recieved the message from my body, that my belly no longer has to gain my attention.  I will continue to do this in yoga now and see how things improve and change.  

    It is so telling that as children in our innocence we believe things due to the lack of adult supervision and correcting our distorted beliefs, and it becomes something we re-inforce as we unconsciously don't fully embrace ourselves.

    We have to see where our innocence left and then make a correction in order to make changes in our minds.  Our Spirit can recognize the place where we veered off the path of innocence and it too can bring us back.

    What a very healing yoga session…working my body and correcting my mind.

    Then, I went to do a Valentine Quilt, but what came to me was to work on the one Lady Quilt that was a work in progress.

    My Valentine Lady is much more pensive than what I had pictured…perhaps I had to get this one out of the way, and then do one that represents a very much in love with herself Lady.

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    The Hearts say, "Broken – Open" and  "Self – No one" and the bottom one says, "Self Love". 

    I see her as trying to protect herself from heartbreak, and yet her hearts break.  

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    By feeling the loss you can become whole.  Very interesting to me how this lady turned out.  A broken heart can open you up to you. 

     

  • “Healing and Recovery”

    A continuation from "Healing and Recovery", by David Hawkins.

    "Within each and everyone is that intrinsic innocence that never dies, no matter how long we live; it is intrinsic to the nature of consciousness itself.  The innocence of the child is what bought the mistake or negative program in the first place.  It is helpful to be aware that the intrinsic innocence of the child is still present in everyone.  It is the innocence that watches television and naively buys into the negative programming due to its lack of discernment. The innocence of the child has no warning within it, nothing that says, "This is a world that is out to program you with as much negativity as you are willing to buy."  In fact, that world gets well paid to do so because advertising is often based on appealing to the negative energy fields.  All our fears, desires, and pridefulness are represented below the level of 200.  It takes the willingness to be aware that within us in our innocence needs to be protected."

    "When we look at "self-care", which is the capacity to love one's self, we find it now means taking responsibility to protect ourselves from the consequences of that innocence and the willingness to undo mistakes that the mind picked up as a result.  We can then handle looking at ourselves and healing that which we find within us if we accept the awareness of the intrinsic innocence of our consciousness.  We see that it was the innocence that was programmed. We then take responsibility for that and say, "In my innocence, I bought all that; I didn't know any better.  I thought that the right thing to do was to be judgmental, to condemn people, and to judge them as right and wrong.  Now I see that all that has made me sick, so I'm going to let it go."  The people who are willing to look into this and go through the processes already described had complete, and full recoveries from their illnesses."

    "The capacitiy to be forgiving is within us, along with the capacity for compassion.  Out of it comes a general attitude about the way in which we look at ourselves. From our bigness, from our greatness, we look at our humanness through forgiving eyes and begin to forgive ourselves as well as others for all the things that were limitations and denials of the truth.  All the things in the energy fields below 200 are denials of the truth; all those above 200 are the acceptance of that which is true and positive.  Because our body reflects what the mind believes, and the mind reflects our spiritual position, spirit has the greatest power of all. Therefore, our spiritual position literally determines whether we have a healthy physical body or not."

    "Once we are willing to accept the power of the mind, we have to be attentive, persevering, and not let mind get away with expressing negativity.  We have to stop it as soon as we become aware of it. We have to begin to develop an awareness of negativity and recognize it for what it is. We let go of false humility and start questioning such remarks as, "Well, you know, I'm not very bright," or " My handwriting is poor," or "I gain weight eating the same amount of food that thin people eat."  The minute we become aware of ourselves saying or thinking these limiting, self-defeating, self-attacking thoughts, we have to stop and cancel them."

    "The handwriting is poor because there is a belief system that we have poor handwriting, so we then reverse the whole programming of the mind as far as cause and effect.  We are returning to a principle that we can demonstrate through our own experience.  It is physical and the expression of the mental, not vice-versa."

    "We came to the conclusion that our handwriting is poor because the cause was in the mind, in the belief system.  It may have been a remark picked up during childhood.  Someone may have said, "Your handwriting is poor," and from that point forward, the program is operative.  We have to look at the ingenuity of the unconscious mind to really see it.  It would be great if one had some experience in watching hypnotic experiments.  It has been shown that if a person is told their legs will be itching when they awaken, and then induce amnesia for the suggestion, when the person wakes up, they are asked how they feel.  Instantly the mind will start creating the most marvelous and convincing argument of why the person's legs should itch.  The person doesn't just say, "Well, my legs itch."  The mind always gets creative and starts explaining, "Well, I have wool pants on, and you know I'm allergic to wool, and the heat in this room is steam heat, and that always creates the itching."  It is just marvelous to listen to the inventiveness of the mind as it begins to create reasons for the symptoms, which, as stated above, were place within the hypnotic subject on purpose.  The mind will do the same thing without formal hypnosis, so it is helpful to look at ourselves as though we have been hypnotized for half our lives and did not even realize it."

    "What is hypnosis?  It is suggestibility, is it not?  It means to be in an unguarded, suggestible, relaxed state, so anytime we have been in that state, we have picked up all the programming, and whether we remember it or not, it is still operative.  All the times we were half asleep as we sat in front of the television set, hour after hour of programming went into the mind and became unconscious hypnotic programs."

    "We can discover what we have been programmed with by watching to see what comes up, such as the idea that, "I'm no good.  Oh, I'm no good, I'm no good. I never was very good at playing cards."  If we have the belief system of not being very good at playing cards, that is what is going to operate in our life and also reinforce that belief system.  The belief system become self-reinforcing and self-fulfilling prophecies. A belief that is held unwittingly can manifest in our life, thus justifying the belief system.  By looking at our lives, we can tell what beliefs are being held.  If we cannot recall them, then we say they are unconscious or have unwittingly picked up from the collective consciousness of society."

    "Heath is the automatic expression of higher energy fields.  The fields of 540 and over are the levels of gratitude, forgiveness, and healing. The willingness to be forgiving and grateful in itself automatically begins the healing process.  Becoming a loving being in the energy fields of love is not sentimentality or emotionalism.  What the world calls love is more often about dependency, control, sentimentalism, and emotionalism.  It is an emotional, sentimental attachment in which control is going back and forth, and there is the satisfaction or desiringness on both sides.  This is the Hollywood version of love."

    "When you hear someone say, "I used to love George, but I don't anymore," it means that they never did love George. What was really meant is that they had a sentimental attachment, sort of a solar-plexus kind of 'hanging onto', which the person romanticized and glamorized within their life, pouring a lot of emotional energy into it so that when the tie was broken, up came a lot of negative emotion."

    "Real love is unconditional love.  Unconditional love is a decision we make within ourselves.  The process is one of intention and the decision to be a loving person.  If I decide to love you, that is my inner decision.  There is nothing the other person can do about it…" David Hawkins

     

  • Mind, Body and Spirit

    "Healing and Recovery" by David Hawkins…he is writing about health.

    "We also have to look at how experience is actually experienced. The body itself is insentient, as curious as that may seem.  It has no capacity to experience itself. The next level comes through sensations, from the senses of the body, so we do not experience the body; instead, we experience the sensations of the body.  Senses themselves have no innate capacity to experience themselves. They are experienced in mind.  The sense report what is going on with the body, so we are several levels removed.  Mind itself is unable to experience its own experience. It has to be in a greater, larger energy field than itself, and in this case, it is the energy field of consciousness.  Because of consciousness, we are aware of what is going on in mind.  Mind then tells us via the senses what is going on in the body.  We can see that perception is several levels removed from the physical body.  Consciousness itself requires something greater than itself, called awareness.  Awareness allows us to know what is going on in consciousness and reports what is happening within mind.  Mind in turn reports what is happening about the body via the senses."

    "That which we call 'myself' is many levels removed from the physical body.  It is necessary to understand that fact because we then see that the mind has power over the body.  We can appreciate the physics of the energy fields of the 400s, and see that, just by their sheer power, they are greater than the energy field of the physical body.  The physical body (calibration level 200) does what the mind tells it to do.  Therefore, if the mind says, "I have this disease," the body complies."

    "We can thus see the importance of not buying into programs, all of which are really limitations of the truth.  We can see the importance of consciously canceling the limiting programs and instead saying something that is the truth.  The truth is, "I am an infinite being not subject to that."  So, when people hear something such as "Eggs are full of cholesterol, and cholesterol gives you heart disease," they accept the thought as the truth and buy into the belief system that the cholesterol in eggs will raise their blood cholesterol. Their bodies simply agree and raise the blood cholesterol when eggs are eaten."

    "One time I had a very high cholesterol level and began to cancel the belief system.  I repeatedly said, "I am an infinite being; I am not subject to that.  I am only subject to what I hold in mind. This does not apply to me, and I hereby cancel it and refuse it."  If the mind can program you with a negative belief system, it can also reverse itself, can it not?  Therefore, we begin telling ourselves that the belief system has no effect on us, that it is only a belief system, and that we do not have to buy into it or go into agreement with it."

    "When we go into agreement with a belief system, we give it the power of the collective energy of that belief.  When we refuse it, we then release ourselves from the collective energy of the belief system and count ourselves out.  One attitude is to not buy into agreement with negative belief systems that have to do with our health.  This is very important when it comes to epidemic suggestions and hysteria. The programming that comes in is aided and abetted by an emotional program."

    "Much is still heard about AIDS, for example, which is accompanied by constant repetition in the media that play on fear – Fear about this, anger about that, and of course, the guilt about this.  What better disease to bring up all of man's feelings of sinfulness and guilt, especially about ones sexuality, which is so common in all cultures, not just ours.  Of course, it then takes on a negative energy when the coin is turned over and becomes the lowest.  What better area in which to create an epidemic to ensure the belief in it?  There is the unconscious guilt, not to mention the conscious guilt about one's sexuality, the sadness about it, the grief over it, and the fear about the disease itself.  All this contributes to setting the stage for a mental belief system in an energy field of 400s.  There is also the negative energy field of fear, which is the energy field of 100s, plus the guilt of calibration of level 30.  This is the exact set-up for disease because the mind chooses that with which it is impressed and uses that as a form of expression."

    "In the case of the cholesterol experiment I cancelled the thought every time it came up.  After a short time, the cholesterol level decreased, and now I can eat three eggs for breakfast every morning, lots of cheese, even other high cholesterol foods, yet my cholesterol is low and sometimes even below normal for my age."

    "The body will do exactly as the mind believes, but there is a credibility problem here. The persons ask, "How could just my belief in that make it happen within my life?"  It is due to the nature of the unconscious, which creates the opportunity for that to occur. There is the person who is 'accident prone' because that belief has taken hold in their mind.  Unconsciously, the person just manages to get their body in the right place at the right time in order to get hit by the fender of a car, or slip down stairs, or get hit on the head.  There is no need to worry about it because the mind will find a way.  People just slip into a sort of hypnotic trance and expose themselves to the correct opportunities to make that program manifest in their lives (e.g., extreme sports, climbing Mt. Everest, etc)."

    "There have been many experiements with a cold virus, for instance, in which one hundred volunteer subjects were exposed to very heavy doses of a cold virus.  Interestingly, not everyone ended up with a cold, just a certain percentage. In other words, if the power were in the virus itself rather than within unconsciousness, all one hundred would have gotten a cold because the virus is so potent. What happens is that maybe only sixty-five percent will get it because one-third of the subjects do not believe in it.  There is sufficient doubt within the mind, along with insufficient unconscious guilt.  It is not acceptable to the person to express it in that form, so nothing is universal."  David Hawkins

    How very interesting to know that the mind is more powerful than the body, and that which is held in the mind is manifested in the body.  Deepak Chopra has been saying this as well.  Yet we continue to deal and focus on the body as the problem.

    What I also love, is the mind that can be programmed, can then be unprogrammed, by programming it to know this.  

    Also the body calibrates at 200, the mind at around 400…which is why it can overpower and control the body, but the Spirit is at 500, which can overpower the mind.

    What I witnessed and fully grasped was the mind's powerfulness…and then the power of my Spirit, which is of no comparison.  

    It was the awareness of the Spirit, of consciousness that could see the mind and its strength, even when it was fully enmeshed in the negative fields of guilt, shame and fear, and how it held my body and my life prisoner…

    I had to cancel out so many beliefs of mind and intellect and reason and replace them with knows of Spirit.

    What a process and what a brilliant intricate dance, where no one is of greater power or less than the next.  We are all held into place by the same system of calibrations and beliefs.

    The epic struggle between, mind, body and Spirit.

  • Good Times Better.

    Standing by his mailbox, with a toothless grin is an older man holding a white bag, held shut with a clothespin.  It is near zero, windy and he stands unaffected, his smile is bright.

    "Fresh bread, still warm," he says…"sorry about the bag, but it is all I had."

    I take the bag and feel the warm bread.  "Wow, thanks so much, this is awesome.  I will make soup to go with this tonight.  Thanks again," I say… as we trade mail he shyly smiles…"made it this morning, just took it out of the oven," he says.  "It is warm, I can tell,…thanks I say again, I appreciate it."  We smile and wave and off I drive. 

    Homemade bread smells fill the car.  

    I am struck by emotions of gratitude mixed in with other emotions and heaving sobs come shortly there after.  

    I see his place, daily.  He gives when he has so little and with such wonderful pleasure.

    It wasn't so much his generousity and kindness that caught me off guard, but the lack of comforts he endures with kindness.

    My melencholy was fueled by the book I was listening to, "Iron House" By John Hart.  A book of fiction, but one about two brothers who were raised in an orphanage and how they both came away from that experience.  How one who was highly sensitive didn't fair so well, while the other honed skills that made him street tough to survive.  They endured awful things…and grew to do awful things.

    My emotions and feelings tumbled into how many are not able to find themselves in a life like mine.  How often the abused go on to live lives empty and hard.

    I cried for the ones who can't make it back to solid ground…who get left in a dark place unable to find the light or an easy way to live…little children following the path that abuse started them on.

    The book, the man, the bread, my life, all rolling around stirring up emotions…of gratitude that I didn't left in the place where abuse lives…and real sorrow for those who did.

    Or maybe sorrow for those abused…knowing our lives are changed and some of us just never can change ourselves back.

    And such gratitude that I was one of the rare few…who can turn themselves back around.  It is weird to feel gratitude for self and sorrow for another….accept kindness and generosity coming from a place of hardship…it made the bread richer.  Which I guess is the same in life…the hard times make the good times better.

  • Era of Individuality.

    While listening to Sir Ken Robinson reading his book, "The Element" I was struck many times by the way he saw things in a totally new light, how instead of reforming something that is broken, it is best to transform or evolve into a totally different idea.

    He was speaking about education and how it is modeled after the fast food industry, how every thing is standardised…no surprises, everything matches and conforms.  Imagine?  Our education system has followed the fast food industry, where no imagination or individual passion and ideas are allowed; the main focus is to do well on the standardized test, caring less of the value left inside the child.

    And the standardized test making people and industry is booming…while our kid's minds are being bent to do well on their tests…and their natural instinctual abilities are being ignored.

    He also compared the school day to that of a factory, where bells ring to end a shift or begin one.  Where all like models (made in year 1958) are put together, where each teacher adds one thing to the student, like an assembly line.  

    Some children do well in this conveyor like system, but there are many others whose passion is completely ignored and not allowed anywhere in the school factory for it doesn't fit into the fast food model.

    It seems that the natural talents and abilities, the passions and desires to express what you love to do is being completely overlooked, that the child has to fit into the standardized class, leaving behind the very things that excite him.

    You have to leave behind who you are to fit into this system.

    He spoke of visionary schools, who are doing education completely different, who are teaching backwards it seems.  The teachers take direction from the students…seeing the student, her desires and talents and her interests, and expanding on those…allowing the child to flourish that which is already organically there.  

    He also gave an example of a Kindergarten Class set in the middle of an Old Aged Home…glass walls that didn't quite reach the ceiling, so the children's voices could be heard.  How the elderly walked by with interest for the first few days, and then would stop and ask, what the children were learning.  "We are teaching them to read," the teacher said.  "Can I help?" the elderly asked, "I know how to read."

    The Elderly and Child formed a Reading Buddy System….and the elderly drug intake almost lessened by half.  The child left kindergarten reading at a 3rd Grade level.  The children learned about death and grief, when their Reading Buddy's passed on.  The children also learned about life and history by talking to their Reading Buddy.

    Most of us born into these systems are not even aware of the cost of standardized learning…we simply never considered another way. Our own individualize way of being has never been allowed to grow…most don't even know it is there, for it is buried far beneath all that we had to learn and be in order to graduate.

    Years worth of standardized lesson piled upon our dreams…Often we hardly even caught a glimpse of our natural excitement, before it was squashed and pushed aside, for it didn't fit in.

    Not only do I see the standardized learning, but standardized religion or God learning…spiritual seeking etc.  We are taught about this subject, by having to fit into our parent's idea of who God is and what spirituality means.  We are not allowed to grow naturally into wonderment, but are instead taught the lay of the God land by weary disenchanted travelers (in my case).  

    I wasn't taught the wonders of God, but instead his wrath and what would happen if I didn't obey the rules etc.

    In my standardized religion there was no room from my questions or wonderment or disagreement…I had to conform into their system.

    This leads you to wonder how many other systems do we have in place that were created during the Industrial Age that are broken?

    You have to wonder how at one time they believed what was best for us was to all be the same. To learn and believe the same was a good thing…modeling us after what they deemed a perfect being.

    When born into an already operational system of conformity, we are naturally made to conform by the folks who have lived on this planet longer than us…we believe the natural way to be is to fit in…and there are awards and ribbons for being a good conformist, and their are punishments or nothing for those who don't.

    My way of raising my children began in the industrial era and I have transformed it into a totally free zone.

    I now mother to the individual…I no longer have a standardized religion that they have to fit into. In fact, I am trying to unearth their natural talents and dreams that I buried in my broken way of raising them.

    What is so striking, is that the systems are broken and oftentimes the parents themselves come with dysfunctional baggage.  What a maze our children have to navigate through in order to maintain or hold on to their inner passions. 

    Imagine the change our world would have if all systems were geared to serve passion, talent and natural abilities, desire, excitement and inner joy, from the seed of individual that is already planted there?

    How tragic it is that we have to run through an obstacle course that is set in place to steal this talent away…

    So much of the dis ease and un rest is that so many folks are not doing their natural talents, that their seeds are lying dormant undernourished…that they did conform and are fitting into the world, but dying inside.

    A very interesting overview of what we are teaching brand new seeds that arrive on the planet…we ignore the Element of who they are.

    I certainly hope this next Era is called the Era of Individuality.

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  • In This I trust.

    Some interesting things I learned in my talking to the Law and Dial-Help.

    If you go to the hospital and the Doctor suspects or is told it was domestic violence, hitting etc, the Doctor must report this to the Law of the Land.  If you arrive raped or sexually assaulted, no such requirement is in place.

    I find it strange that they are not treated the same…that sexual abuse is seen as different than domestic violence or perhaps just violence. I wonder if this is the same in all cities of the land?

    Perhaps we need to stop calling it sexual abuse, but sexual violence or I would be okay calling it Domestic Violence, if there then was mandatory reporting. 

    With mandatory reporting the law becomes involved…and it leaves a trail…

    Although, I am not so naive to believe that all sexual violence incidents make it to the hospital, so it still leaves a huge gap in reporting…

    Here is something else.  Even if the Detective finds enough evidence to convict someone, the prosecutor has the final world.  He gets to decide whether it will go to trial.  He is also the one who plays with the pleas and bargains.  I am not certain most people understand the power these lawyers have and how often victims long history of abuse, gets boiled down to the lowest conviction and with each level it is reduced to comes a new sentence guideline.  

    The lower he bargains down the lighter the sentence…As in my father's conviction, he was let go to walk free.  And here's the other thing, Usually, there is 'just' one girl's evidence.  In my father's case, there was 9 of us.  HIGHLY unusual, and still, he walked free.  

    It isn't the quality of the evidence, the composure of the victim, or the work of the detective, it is the quality of the prosecutor that swings the doors open so the criminals walk free.

    Most of my trained knowing self has been taught to focus on getting the perpetrator in jail.  Yet, statistics in our town is that very few cases make it to a jury trial, get even litigated, and an even greater percentage don't even get reported.  So my tendency to lean toward the law and the focus on the pedophile, has to switch.

    Bringing to trial or putting in jail, or making the criminal pay, thinking and mind set, has to be surrendered.

    When the facts and experiences of the victim's cases are clearly showing how pointless the old ways are; we have to find a new path.

    Since we have been beating our heads against a system that is clearly showing us IT does not want to work with us, but against us, we have to play a old game in a new way.

    A part of me doesn't want to give up the idea of 'letting' the criminals go, even if that is clearly reality, part of me fights this.  Resists surrendering and letting them win…letting them walk freely.

    It seems so callous to allow pedophiles to roam free….and yet this IS reality.

    They are roaming for a myriad of reasons, one of which is harder to swallow…the law sets them free.

    Somehow my thinking was to get these names with the Laws of the Land, to get these guys off the streets, when the focus in the Courts is to reduce it to nothing and set them free.

    At one point you have to adjust your sails accordingly and admit that you are on the wrong course, you are heading into a worthless direction.

    So, by bypassing the laws and not expecting or caring if pedophiles walk the street, you can then focus on the needs of the victims.

    And ironically the Dial-Help lady and the Detective are already here.

    They don't expect your truth to follow the path to the court house steps.  They are more interested in your wellness and healing, in what you the victim wants. Certainly, if you feel you want to pursue the laws of the land, they will be your advocate.  But, if you just want to sit and share your horrors, they will lend a listening ear.

    My expectations, my trained way of thinking was focused on getting the bad taken care of…and it had me missing this great piece of being open to anything the victim wants.

    Perhaps the latest rash of reduced sentences was for me to see the flimsy structure of the law, so it would no longer be my secure safe place to rely upon.

    I believed in the law of the land.  I believed if they seen the monster of my childhood, they would lock him up.  I believed and felt secure in knowing that they stood firmly and securely on the side of the victim, that they would be my safe zone…that if you got there, all would be well.  It just isn't so.

    I had thought that my father's case was different, due to the fact that there was a FALC prosecutor, but he is the norm.

    For me, I am a slow learner…I have been watching the social experiment of catching and release and not seeing the system as broken.  It is like sport fishing…

    And the fish keep getting put back into society to create yet another victim.  

    Knowing that there is no one to take the bad guys out, leaves you looking at this from a whole new angle.

    Victims are left on their own.  No one is coming to save you…

    Teaching and empowering victims and potential victims has to be the way forward.  

    This is actually what I had to do. For all systems failed me, leaving me with no recourse but to take care of myself.

    In doing for self, no rules are left standing, no expectations or agendas are expected…outside of you.

    Without there being a no fail system in place, you become the no fail system.  You don't fail you.

    You become the law onto your self…they can't keep the bad man away, you stay away from the bad man.  You do yourself justice.

    Just as I had to surrender to the fact that my father walked free, I too have to surrender to the fact that there are and will be now and for always, negative people in the world…we have to live around that.

    We have to live our lives not allowing their influence to influence us.

    I could have gotten left mourning the fact that he got no jail time and without him in prison, I could still be left there wishing it was so.

    I believe I can get used to the free range criminals, for they have always been there.  I guess we kid ourselves into believing All bad men are in prison, and that the 'few' on the street are making their way there, it is only a matter of time.  I believe I will readjust my thinking and live accordingly.

    Live with the fact that there are pedophiles roaming free…and new victims are being born minute by minute.  We will lose the battle for sure if we focus on the open back door of the system and not see the piles of victims and their needs.

    They truly don't need the bad man to be put away…for it is but a fantasy.  And we don't need another fantasy to believe upon, we need something real and dependable.

    What was real and dependable for me was me.

    I had to learn to rely upon me…

    I turned my focus from outside to inside.

    In turning into me, I found that I was connected to a real no fail system, the Universal laws of mankind. 

    The more I began learning about me, the more I seen the connection and how I was the common denominator in all my experiences, that in changing me, my life changed.  

    And that there is an unseen powerful field we are all dancing in…and you can't escape its balancing sheet…there is no open back door to slip through.

    My justice system is the Universe…and it treats us all equally.  

    What you put out will come back to you in kind.

    When I focused on the small dot, I lost the bigger picture.

    Each of the players in the Law of the Land…are feeding a system of just returns…

    In the bigger picture nothing gets lost…

    Our only care and focus has to be very very personal, it can't matter what anyone else is doing, what you do comes back to you.

    You are literally sending messages to the universe with each beat of your heart…each action, belief and thought will find its way back to you…trust in this.

    No mistakes happen in the realm of the Universe…in This I trust.

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  • It came True for me.

    In a room today were three forces, joined over a common cause; healing victims, empowering victims, reversing the affects of trauma, abuse and being victimized…finding a way to weave together many sources and journeys…Victims helping Victims using the support of all connecting agencies.

    Coming together were three pathways…The law of the land, the victims advocate and me.

    All of us cared about the healing of the victims, knowing the affects that linger long after the trial, no matter the outcome…win or lose, the victim still has wounds and scars that the justice system can't touch.

    We all recognized the healing that begins with the truth being spoken, no matter if a trial is forthcoming, just finding a person to hear your story raises you from the level of shame to acceptance.

    Acceptance carries you to courage and courage allows for your truth to be spoken…and what you need is a very open ear.

    In the room were open ears, willing spirits, like minds, and a dream.

    A dream that one day the shame of being a victim will lessen, where we can all meet and openly share.  For victims to leave their solitary journeys of silence and speak.  

    To stop suffering alone, ashamed…to be able to know that what they feel or not feel is normal.  That they are perfectly perfect living the affects of abuse.  Being confused and lost is the cost of abuse.

    This seems to be the last closet where humanity is hiding, where souls are suffering in silence, and shame the lock on the door.

    All three of us are equally as frustrated and perplexed as to what will open the door of abuse.

    What can we do to offer a path of empowerment and healing that overcomes the cloak of shame?

    How do you get such deeply hurting souls to expose secrets that their very survival depended on to keep silent?  How do we ask them to reveal to us who hurt them, when who hurt them is who they love and call family?

    Inside of family homes lives the monster that they have always called dad or uncle or brother or mother etc..how do we unhook them or ask them to open that door?  When that most likely will lead to them becoming estranged…How to heal…when healing means losing all that you have?

    It seems they are sitting on the bottom and we are asking to pull even that away…leaving them in a free fall…to where?

    I know this journey…I know what we are asking…And I know the cost, but I also know the reward.

    For four hours we talked and learned from each other and a dream was planted.

    Ironically or not, it is Martin Luther King Day….and it came to me after leaving the Dial-Help office…"I have a Dream."

    I have a dream to demolish the closets of shame that surround victims.  To empower each victim to tear down the walls…and to live free.

    Free and unashamed.

    Free and not guilty.

    Free in the truth of their lives.

    Learning not only about abuse, but how to unscramble its affects…learning to find the self they lost and hid away, in shame because of being abused.  

    I have a dream that all abused kids will return to their natural states of innocence…I believe in this dream, for it came true for me.

     

     

  • Who is in charge of our Free Will?

    Another interesting section from Power vs Force by David Hawkins…as it relates to getting out of the negative field of energy.

     

    "The entire field of philosophy is merely evidence that man has struggled and failed for thousands of years to arrive at the simplest recognition of what's true and what's false, or the discourse would have reached some consensus long ago. And it's clear from common human conduct that even if the intellect could reliably arrive at this basic conclusion, it still lacks the power to stop the effect of negative fields. We remain unconscious of the causes of  our afflictions while the intellect dreams up all kinds of plausible excuses, hypnotized by these same forces. Even when a person knows his behavior is self-destructive, this knowledge has no necessary deterrent effect whatsoever; intellectual recognition of our addictions has never given us the power to control them." 

    "In scripture, we're told that man is afflicted by forces unseen. In this century, we've learned that silent invisible rays of energy are emitted by innocent-looking objects – the discoveries of radium paid for this realization with their lives.  Roentgen x-rays are lethal; radioactive emissions and radon kill silently.  The attractor energy fields that destroy us are equally invisible and no less powerful, but are far more subtle."

    "When it is said that some is "possessed," what's meant is that his consciousness has become dominated by negative attractor fields.  By this definition, we can see that entire segments of society are so thoroughly "possessed" that they themselves are totally unconscious of their motives.  Wisdom tells us that one worships either heaven or hell and will eventually become the servant of one or the other.  Hell isn't a condition imposed by a judgmental God, but rather the inevitable consequence of one's own decisions – it's the final outcome of constantly choosing the negative and thus isolating oneself from love."

    "Enlightened being have always described the general populace as being "trapped in a dream"; the majority of people are driven by unseen forces, and for a great deal of our lives, most of us are in despair over this fact. We pray to God to relieve us of the burden of our sins, and we look for relief through confession. Remorse seems woven into the fabric of life.  How can salvation be possible, then, for those who have unwittingly become ensnared by such destructive forces?"

    "In fact, even from a merely scientific viewpoint, salvation is indeed possible; in truth, it's guaranteed by the simple fact that the energy of a loving thought is enormously more powerful than that of a negative one. Therefore, the traditional solutions of love and prayer have a sound scientific basis; man has within his own essence the power of his own salvation."

    "Humanity is an "affliction" that we're all burdened with.  We don't remember asking to be born, and we subsequently inherited a mind so limited that it's hardly capable of distinguishing what enhances life from what leads to death.  The entire struggle of life is in transcending this myopia. We can't enter into higher levels of existence until we advance in consciousness to the point where we overcome duality and are no longer earth bound.  Perhaps it's because of our collective will to transcend that we've earned the capacity to finally discover an inborn compass to lead us out of the darkness of ignorance. We needed something very simple, which could bypass those traps of the wily intellect that we've paid such an enormous price for.  This compass merely says yes or no – tells us that what's aligned with heaven makes us go strong and what's aligned with hell makes us go weak."

    "The ubiquitous human ego is actually not an "I" at all; it's merely an "it". Seeing this illusion reveals an endless Cosmic Joke, where the human tragedy itself is part of the comedy. The irony of human experience is in how fiercely the ego fights to preserve the illusion of a separate individual "I" – even thought this is not a metaphysical impossibility but the wellspring of all suffering.  Human reason exhausts itself ceaselessly to explain the inexplicable.  Explanation itself is high comedy, as preposterous as tyring to see the back of ones's own head, but the vanity of the ego is boundless, and it becomes even more overblown by this very attempt to make sense of nonsense."

    "The mind, in its identity with the ego cannot, by definition, comprehend reality; if it could, it would instantly dissolve itself upon recognizing its own illusory nature.  It's only beyond the paradox of mind transcending ego that what Is stands forth, self-evident and dazzling in its infinite Absoluteness.  And then all of these words are useless."

    "But perhaps from compassion for each other's blindness, we can learn to forgive ourselves, and peace than can be our assured future.  Our purpose on Earth my remain obscure, but the road ahead is clear. With the consciousness level of humanity finally above 200, we may expect great transformations throughout human culture, as mankind becomes more responsible for its knowledge, and thus its deeds. We've become fully accountable whether we like it or not. We're at the point in the evolution of our collective awareness where we may even assume stewardship of consciousness itself. Humanity is no longer resigned to passively paying the price for ignorance, or its communal consciousness wouldn't have risen to its new level.  From this time forth, man may choose to no longer be enslaved by darkeness; his destiny can then be certain."  Gloria in Excelsis Deo David Hawkins.

    While this may seem very wordy and beyond comprehension, my brother and I talk of this often, how is it that some of us are granted the awareness the rise in levels of consciousness and others seem to be frozen in the negative attractor fields. 

    He and I have often stood on two sides, that God gives us the grace he will say, and I will speak more from the side of choice.

    What I believe David Hawkins is saying is that when man chooses to no longer be a slave to the negative energies, he will then seek to be free.

    But, in my experience, many are willing slaves.  They seem to enjoy the lifestyle of the negative, they are not trying to escape or find an answer, in fact they use their intellect to form plausible excuses as to how it is impossible to be free.

    An interesting debate, who is in charge of our free will?

     

  • The Gift is in the Present.

    I am in a book club reading Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening".  It is written so that we read one reading per day.

    Today's reading I love.

    "So often we anticipate a reward for the uncovering of truth.  For effort, we expect money and recognition.  For sacrifice and kindness we secretly expect acceptance and love. For honesty, we expect justice.  Yet as we all know, the life of experience unfolds with a logic all its own.  And very often, effort is seen, and kindness is embraced, and the risk of truth is held as the foundation of how humans relate. However, the reward for breathing in not applause but air, and the reward for climbing is not a promotion but new sight, and the reward for kindness is not being seen as kind, but the electricity of giving that keeps us alive."

    "It seems the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward.  Who could have guessed?  The reward for uncovering the truth is the experience of honest being.  The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing.  The reward for loving is being the carrier of love.  It all becomes elusively simple.  The river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, the river fulfills its purpose more.  Likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn open over time to carry what is living."

    "All this tells us that no amount of thinking can eliminate the wonder and pain of living.  No wall or avoidance or denial- no cause or excuse- can keep the rawness of life from running through us.  While this may at times seem devastating, it is actually reassuring, because while the impermanence of life, if fixed on, can be terrifying, leaving us preoccupied with death, the very same impermanence, if allowed its infinite frame, can soothe us with the understanding that eve the deepest pain will pass."  Mark Nepo

    What I love so much about this is that I used to live solely in the reward system…and yet the rewards were often times not forthcoming.  I thought that I was giving wrongly, so I gave more and tried harder.  

    What I failed to realize is that the universal system had a logic all of its own…simply called experience.

    I was so focused on my just reward and waited and fretted and worried and hated and judged and stressed, that I long forgot the feeling of the experience.

    I lived, thought and acted all for a future reward.

    I literally gave for love and acceptance.  And when I stopped giving, the love and acceptance dried up.  It was an awful way to be loved…for it all depended upon me giving and they didn't have to give, all they had to do was give me love and acceptance. 

    I have said I was a whore for love and peace…and this is what it literally means.  I gave to get.

    When the justice system failed me and all the girls who were sexually abused by my father, it seemed that the universal logic was broke. 

    Yet our honesty worked supremely well. We got to experience how honesty and integrity feels.  

    If we put our focus on the 'just' reward, we would be sorely disappointed.  If you put your focus on the feelings and experiences of being honest with your past, it feels amazing.

    I can't even begin to explain the difference between living in the system of rewards compared to living in experience.

    To have zero expectations…

    When you remove the reward, all you are left with is the experience.

    And the experience is solely the focus.

    As Eckhart Tolle says, there are only three ways to experience life…Enthusiasm, Enjoyment and Acceptance….He says nothing about reward.

    I love that there are no rewards in living…that the gift is in the present!

  • The body truly doesn’t lie

    Within my family, there are two ways in which we have dealt with the sexual abuse of our childhoods.  One side believes and is actively in the camp of forgiving and forgetting, while only two of us are in the camp of discovering our own story and giving free expression…as Alice Miller writes in The Body Never Lies.

    " In each and every case I examined, I was able to establish that when people found the kind of therapeutic care and companionship that enabled them to discover their own story and give free expression to their indignation at their parents behavior, they were able to liberate themselves from the maltreated child's destructive attachment. As adults they were able to take their lives into their own hands and DID NOT NEED TO HATE THEIR PARENTS. And the opposite was the case whose therapist enjoined them to forgive and forget, actually believing that such forgiveness could have a salutary, curative effect. They remained trapped in the position of small children who believe they love their parents but in fact allow themselves to be controlled all their lives by the internalized parents and ultimately develop some kind of illness that leads to premature death. Such dependency ACTIVELY FOSTERS THE HATRED that though repressed, remains active, and it drives them to direct their aggression at innocent people. We ONLY HATE AS LONG AS WE FEEL TOTALLY HELPLESS." Alice Miller.

    This is extremely accurate in my experience.  

    I have do not hate my parents.  I understand them.  I completely get who they are and that the only love they can give me is their backwards hurtful love.  

    While I also totally feel the aggression of my siblings towards me, the innocent in the equation of my parents abuse.

    I can also sense this underneath the 'Forgiving' folks, the rage and anger seething while on the surface the speak kind words.  

    In fact, that is a perfect description of my mother in my childhood.  

    Interesting to know, that Forgiveness and Forgetting, actually fosters hate. And here is what I also know to be right on target…."You only hate as long as you feel totally helpless."  

    Empowerment allows you to feel love…and what I feel most from my siblings is this twisted dichotomy….the surface of 'forgiveness' while underneath rages hatred in their physical bodies.

    The body truly doesn't lie…