I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • My wrongdoings.

     

    Today I wondered about the meaning of guilt and when is it applicable to feel guilt and even what its definiton was…

    Guilt – Culpable of or responsible for a specified wrongdoing. Justly chargeable with a praticular fault or error. 

    What is my wrongdoing, first off.  What did my do, as my son used to say when he was a child?

    Guilt comes when you have done something wrong.

    As her daughter what have I done wrong.  

    In a letter to her shortly after my father's arrest, I told her that the forgiveness she seeks is of herself.  I can't make her world right, it is not within my power.

    I can however, make changes in my own world; and I have.

    What some see as wrong behavior is actually me making corrections, seeking to find peace in my own world for my actions that served to keep the abuse going.

    I am working on changes within me, in my actions, in my relationships, and working on figuring out what had me so blind to what had been going on in our family unbeknownst to me.

    If I had lived and moved around in this world, unknowingly, I had to now find out how.

    I had to find the faults and errors within me and make corrections.  I had to acknowledge my part in order to change.

    There are no guilty feelings for doing this, none.  My whole body feels completely at peace for what I have done for the past 7 years.

    It is good for me to know, the definition of guilt and that I am only responsible for my wrongdoings.

     PS.  What came to me after posting this, was that I have been working on forgiving myself, on learning about me and accepting what I did at the level of my own understanding and knowing, and then changing my behaviors to correct my wrong doings.

    And my corrective behaviors is what they are most riled about…and what bring me the most peace.  I love that I have forgiven me.

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  • Loving For Me.

    "I wonder, Why you stopping talking at Mom for long time?You need be forgive in your past and let go angry for some reason? You never to know if Mom is gone and you might feel guilty for real. I did forgive what my dad did and time to move on. Please do not waste your time for angry or hate on her. Remember, no one is perfect and you need learn a solve problem. It not hard? Right? Today is new day and do not looking a past.  If you keep emotional, that is not good health. I want to see my family be happy and love anyone!"  Jay Huhta writes on facebook last night.  

    A few entries of my sisters line up beneath…directed at him.

    "you are wise 🙂 Remember Jay, everyone thinks differently and all we can do is respect that….You are sweet Jay, I love you….You are all heart, love you."

    Interesting exchange, it is like there are two conversations.

    And my dialogue would make it three…

    The questions and guilt are always directed at me.  Love and kindness to those who forgive and forget.

    She isn't asked a thing.  

    Nothing is expected from her at all, she is granted all things due to her title, "Mom".  

    Our broken relationship is all my problem; I broke the family pattern, I stepped out of the cycle of abuse, and I am wrong.

    Assumptions are made that I am angry and hateful…that unless I am loving towards abusive people I will feel guilty.

    I used to feel that way, I used to be locked into a frozen stance where no matter what, the only emotion I was allowed to use was love and forgiveness; forgiveness in the abusive sense, of forgetting the abusive actions of changing the past and wiping out the bad things.  Returning that person back to nice.

    My actions are seen as negative, for I will not let go of the past.  I will keep the past as it is, pristine in all its glory, changing nothing.

    I will keep a full image of my father and of his wife and of all they have done to me.  The good, the bad and the very ugly. All of it stays in my book, I will rip no pages out.

    It is written down in the truth of the universe, and you simply can't change what has been done.

    It works beautifully for them to not add the negative things, then you get to keep a kind loving mom and dad.

    My refusing to subtract the hurtful behaviors has my view of my parents totally different that of my siblings.

    The label "Mother and Father" has them capitulating…and I refuse.

    I refuse to go along with allowing abuse.  I know they hate to hear that, I know they want me to believe that they too are taking a tough stand against abuse, that they too will be vigilant. 

    What they want is to have both.

    Standing against abuse and have a happy loving family.  

    Impossible.  

    It literally is not possible when the father is a pedophile and the mother blesses his 'sin's of rapes and fondling away.  

    In a family where abuse lives, you can't stand against it, Unless you stand against the abusers.  It is not my choice that the abusers happen to be my father and mother.  It isn't my choice that those who supported them, happen to be my sisters and brothers.  I stand against abuse, no matter who is wearing it.

    What they call love is to capitulate for abuse; to surrender the facts, the truths and keep a happy loving family.  

    And if you don't forgive and forget you will feel guilty.

    I won't.  

    The only guilt I have felt is for all the years I went along with the abusive family, for supporting her and forgiving him. My guilt is for the first 46 years, and my actions to keep silent about abuse.  I have no guilt about my last 7 years.

    No regrets, none. 

    All my behaviors were perfect for me.  Perfect for someone learning to walk away from abuse. In my confused backwards state; all the actions I took were exactly as they should be.  

    My journey away from abuse began in a state that the abuse had put me in.  Mental, upside down and backwards, with defintions of love completely wrong, disassociated from feelings and emotions and a sense of self.

    I did my best in the state I found myself in.

    I am proud of my last 7 years…it is a huge accomplishment of healing from abuse.  While I see this as a positive, my family still back within the 'loving' confines of family see it negatively.

    And they should.

    We haven't seen eye to eye on this for 7 years.

    Our eyes are focusing on two different things.

    Seeing abuse from two drastically different vantage points.  

    One is to see what my parents need, and the other what the abused child needs.

    My vision cleared and I was able to see the child's needs.

    Mine.  Where in the past, I too could only see what was best for my mother, my father and to keep a family together.  And in doing so, I failed to speak up about abuse and abuse ran through our family into the second generation…for 40 years.

    For 40 years I didn't see me.

    Now I do. 

    And I feel no anger or hatetred nor do I feel guilt in seeing me.

    When I see the abuse in me, I can see the abuse in others.

    When I love myself.  I love myself enough to walk away from abuse…even if it is wearing the label dad/mom.

    Love of self and being in that family were impossible to do.

    I feel very blessed and full of grace that I was able to finally see me.

    I found me in a battered and broken state, but have walked myself into a place that is totally loving for me.  

     

     

  • Shades of their childhoods

    Power vs Force

    "As up implies down – and light, darkness – man's socially organized search for truth, and his commitment to attaining higher levels, has always implied the socially organized spread of falsehood and submission to the lowest energy fields.  Examination of the nature of antireligion demonstrates, in fact, the enormously destructive power of negative energy fields.  Examples are unfortunately ready at hand."

    "The trappings of Satanism grew as fashions of popular youth subculture, its primary vehicle being an overt musical genre.  But principles are implicit in trappings, and principles generate attractor fields. The effects are all to familiar to any clinical psychiatrist who practices near an urban area – the destruction of energy fields spread like disease.  Victims become desensitized to distinctions between good and evil, a value inversion that can be clinically examined.  Habitues are found to directly display "blown out" acupuncture systems and desynchroniza-tion of the cerebral hemisphere in response to repetitive negative patterns of the associate music – the net result is, in effect, a hypnotic trance during which the listener is highly susceptible to the violent and profane suggestions of the lyrics.  In this sense, these children become literally enslaved and prone to later bouts of irrational destruction where they truthfully "don't know why" they act out these posthypnotic suggestions.  And the influence persists."

    "Continued weakening of the body and its immune system – long after the music stops – is accompanied by an inverserion of kinesiological response.  Negative stimuli that would make a normal person go weak cause a strong response, while those that would make a normal person go strong now produce a weak one. Unaware that they're victims of a potent negative energy field, the members of this culture sink into sometimes inescapable subservience to forces beyond their comprehension.  Youth subjected to such physical, emotional abuse can suffer permanent damage to the brain's neurotransmitter balance, become adult depressives how habitually seek out abusive partners and must endlessly struggle against an inclination to suicide that is, in fact, a lingering form of posthypnotic suggestion.  We may wish to deny that such a spiritual plague, reminiscent of the Dark Ages could remain so injurious in our enlightened society; but such pervasive influences don't operate in a moral vacuum or arise from a social matrix that doesn't already incorporate preconditions for their growth.  The paradox of our puritanical society is that it encourages constant seduction but denies no satisfaction, so a perpetual frustration of normal outlets eventually finds release in perverse ones.  If we look more closely, we may find that other elements of what we call "civilization" in fact foster the persistence of such "perversions." David

    What I didn't know is that the body actually becomes flipped around so that instead of going weak when it should, it actually becomes stronger in the negative energy fields.

    However, we should all know this, for the strength of the negative people, how utterly convincing and controlling they are.  And how we seem to lose our power away from them, instead of gaining it.

    Unless you have been under the influence of a Negative Energy Attractor Field, such as a cult, abuse, etc, you will not fully understand the pull, UNTIL you try and leave.

    It is then that you realize how strong the negative attractors are connected into you.  

    While fully enmeshed in the grasps of a cult, you will not know that your body responds incorrectly; where instead of going weak, your body responds and is strengthened.  Where a normal person would feel the weak and powerless state, you don't.

    Again, I find this extremely amazing how the body is actually programmed to respond the opposite of its natural ability.  Which explains fully, how many get totally pulled into the field and are not able to wrest themselves free.

    He continues…

    "While the young are being programmed by specialized TV and computer games that glorify violence, their parents are being brainwashed by adult media.  Kinesiologi-cal testing showed that a fairly typical TV show caused test subjects to go weak 113 times during a single episode.  Each of these weakening events suppressed the observer's immune system and reflected an insult to the viewer's central as well as autonomic nervous system.  Invariably accompanying each of these 113 disruptions of the acupuncture system were suppressions of the thymus gland; each insult also resulted in the brains neurohormonal and neurtransmitter systems.  Each negative input brought the watcher closer to eventual sickness and to imminent depression -which is now the world's most prevalent illness."

    "Subtle grades of depression kill more people than all the other diseases of mankind combined.  There is no antidepressant that will cure depression that's spiritually based, for the malaise doesn't originate from brain dysfunction, but from an accurate response to the desecration of life.  The body is the reflection of the spirit of its physical expression, and its problems are the dramatization of the struggles of the spirit that gives it life.  A belief that we ascribe to "out there" has its effect "in here."  Everyone dies by his own hand – that's a hard clinical fact, not a moral view."  David

    How very interesting this all is, how the body responds to the TV program it watches, imagine then if you live within a household of negativity and belong to a church steeped in preaching sin and the wrongness of your flesh…it boggles the mind the amount of damage some children are subjected to. Yet we can all see the affects of this exposure by the lives they live.

    There is no way you can deny the long exposure to negative energies, for their colors shine brightly…

    The darkest among us lived in the dark…like colored glass, they are the shades of their childhoods.

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     Photograph by Hannah Jukuri 

     

     

     

     

  • There is No End Game.

    In the past few days, between reading books, exchanging emails and dialogues, I have been shown the angst of trying to get a new response from an old system, and it is impossible.

    It is my belief, you have to completely abandon the whole machine, for the machine was set up with a mindset that can't be changed.  It will not allow a new viewpoint or new outcome.  

    The way our legal system is working is that it is not working…at least not for the ones who have been injured.  It is however, working rather well for the Lawyers who get paid to reduce the action down to nothing.  It is working extremely well for the perpetrators, and it isn't working at all for the injured party.  

    I don't know how the laws of the land were originally set up or why or what the expected out come would be, but I would have to say it is a colossal failure.

    Just in our little town on the front page of the paper, you can read time and time again how the charges are reduced, and the perp has been saved from serving time.  

    Yet, there is no mention about the second party, the injured party and how they feel or what it has done to their lives etc.  Where are the teams of people helping to see that the real innocent are taken care of???

    I am not sure you can now turn that big machine around.  For the judges, prosecutors and defense attorneys all know their part well, and it is a Justice System that is running without justice and no one seems to even care anymore.

    It is a system that was supposedly looking to find the truth, when the truth oftentimes is reduced and tossed out.

    IF this big machine called justice worked, we would be living in a land where the prisons would be shutting down due to lack of inmates.

    As a victim in the system, my justice was not served at all.  And there is no one in the Justice System who didn't know what my father did, yet for some odd reason, it works completely backwards…it works supremely well as Injustice.

    This system is just another system in the lives of victims that doesn't work.  It runs along the same lines as their childhood homes, where they innocent are treated unjustly, and the perps lives are given the utmost attention. 

    I am not certain I can even get you all to understand the wheels of justice are spinning in a totally wrong direction, and there are no cries of injustice, no picketing of the court house, nothing….silence, apathy.

    Each time you read in the paper another reduced sentence, a plea bargain, a this or that, and the abuser walks away with a few days in jail, you are witnessing the system abusing the child again.

    And no one says a word.

    It is my belief, that we can't change that big machine, but the healing of abuse will have to come from a totally different angle.  Our healing and wellness can't depend upon the system serving us justice and punishing our abusers, instead we have to find another way to heal.

    We have to stop putting our faith in a broken system. Stop believing that the Justice System will crack down on crimes and lessen abuse.

    Instead we will have to create a whole new system outside of the laws of the land, a system that deals with the victims…the hurting innocent.

    Just as the church is unwilling to deal with the abuse of innocent children, so is the law. Their jobs are clearly to rescue abusers from their truth, while leaving children alone again with no adult hearing and seeing their abusers in their true colors…instead they take the black actions and bring it up to a gentle grey…beige even.

    We the people of the land, have to find a new way to reach the abused children and heal them.

    A way to reach them where they feel that their truth matters.

    It is these unhealed wounded children who are the ones to next walk into the courtroom.  Soon, they will be standing where their abusers stand.  We are feeding an endless cycle the way the courts are set up now, there is no end game.

     

     

     

  • The Parent’s Wrongs.

    In Alice Miller's book, "The Body Never Lies," she writes…

    "Severe illnesses, early death, and suicide are the logical consequence of subjection to the laws that we call morality, although in fact they suffocate our true lives.  This will continue to be the case, all over the world, as long as we show greater reverence to these laws than to life itself.  The body rebels against such treatment, but the only language at its command is the language of illness, a language that is rarely understood as long as the denial of true feelings in childhood remain unrecognized."

    "Many of the Ten Commandments can still claim validity today.  But the Fourth Commandment is diametrically opposed to the laws of psychology. It is imperative that there be general recognition of the fact that enforced "love" can do a very great deal of harm.  People who were loved in childhoood will love their parent  in return.  There is no need of a commandment to tell them to do so.  Obeying a commandment can never be the basis for love."  Alice Miller

    What happens when the commandments are telling children who have been abused by their parents, it is of greater importance to try and love them, than it is to not.

    And in fact, if you don't love them, you will go to hell.  To be a good christian child, you must love and obey your parents…end of story.

    In fact, there can be no story told from the viewpoint of the child.

    Putting silencers on the child's experience and feelings is the cause of people being able to do things without feelings.  Being able to do wrong toward others and selves, for they are disconnected to their feelings.  And their feelings go against the commandments of God.

    The God that I now know, is the God of truth, not the god of commanding abused children to love and honor their abusers.  That is not a kind loving god, but a god similar to their parents.  

    The line that came quickly to mind after discovering my father, was "To Love and Fear"….and how those two feelings are diametrically opposed as well.

    We need to make an addendum to the 4th Commandment, that says, "Unless your parents have abused you….than you are free to disregard this one….go in God's peace away from those that hurt you."

    As long as this commandment is preached and demanded that abused children follow it, as long as society sees estrangement from family as bad, we will have hurt children going on to hurt their children. The cycle needs to be broken. We need to find the culprits in our moral codes that are keys to setting the children free.

    The Detective who came to my home that day in 2004, to get my statement about my abuse from my father, says to me.  "I hope this will not come between your relationship with your father."  

    Immediately a child will feel the alliance between the adults…and the closed ear for the child's story.

    He didn't wonder how my father's treatment of me, how my mother's Active denial damaged me…and how my church's treatment of both had me living in a sea of adults who cared not a wit about the child's life…what it did to me. 

    In my humble opinion, it isn't the child and their tales or their willingness to speak of the deeds of abuse, but rather the moral viewpoint of the family dynamics.

    Everything is setup with the 'ideal' family in mind.  The perfect parents, lovingly caring and nurturing their children.  Yet, the facts of the land are the complete opposite…and nothing has changed in the foundations of our religions and laws of the land.

    We are all failing the children as long as we don't hear and see them in the reality of their lives and act accordingly.

    To keep beating the drum of Love and Obey thy parents….while they are sexually and physically beating the child…is insanity.  No one wants to point fingers and make parents pay.

    Instead they will extract payment by taking another child's life…and turning their natural bright spirit and create another dark life…simply by turning their awareness away from the parent's wrongs.

     

  • Days to Slip By

    My brother's Excel class had him calculating out the number of days he has lived so far, and I did the same.  Today is number 19,365 for me!

    That is how many mornings I woke up and seen a new day.

    Yet for the first many thousands, I woke up living my life frozen in a pattern that was preset and one that seemed my destiny.

    I even recall feeling the panic feelings of not being able to stop the way I was living, that there were so many people attached to the movement of my life. That me changing would be too disruptive, but that at some point, they will need me less and then there will be an opportunity to be free.

    The more I explored how stuck I was, the more I wanted to live differently, but I had no idea how to suddenly change my life.  

    And then, Life seemed to suddenly change…and I followed it. But this time, I did it completely different.  I hadn't realized at the time that I was going to transform my whole life.   All I was doing was following my body and my feelings.

    I just hadn't realized realized realized, that I hadn't been living my life from the inside out.  I didn't really know how much of my life was lived for others, Until it came to me to follow my body and feelings.

    The huge amounts of changes that ensued showed me how much of me and my life had been lived for others…and by me being fake.

    I wouldn't have called it living fake, I would have said, "I am putting aside my feelings and my life unselfishly to make another happy." Believing that this is a kind and loving thing to do.

    I lived 16, 775 days (yep I did the math 😉 pushing aside my feelings in order to make another happy.  I lived disconnected from my body, disassociated from my emotions, and very focused on others…for thousands of days.

    I would awaken each day carrying many lives upon my shoulders…worrying, wondering, thinking, and pondering their lives, giving very little thoughts to me and my life.  My life was their life.

    I had me pushed so far back, there wasn't but a teeny bit of me showing. 

    It seems impossible now.  It seems scary to me to live a life with so little of me showing. To live without access to my feelings and emotions, to live stoically and remotely.  To shut down and close off my life in order for another to be happy and at peace.  

    You can't go and get those days back, they have been breathed, lived and passed by.  How much I missed, I can't even begin to imagine, how many emotions I pushed down and away for the sake of anothers is unreal.  How they fit all stuffed within my body is remarkable…

    For all that I stuffed down and away…never left.  They just rode along waiting for me to one day focus on me.

    The day I realized the truth of my life, the fact that my body has kept secure all my emotions, that none slipped by and away, was the day I began to live each day as me.  

    I began to feel…and feel and feel. Emotions washed over me, the terror, the helplessness, the empty trust, the negative feelings I had not looked at all came rushing in.  Thirsty for me to feel.  And I did.

    My days were filled with past emotions and it felt like living on steroids.  Eventually, the dam of emotions fell to a trickle…and I was able to live this day.

    This day as it arrived, this emotion as it came, this moment in time…fully present.

    I have lived without emotions or my feelings and it is a careless way to live. It leaves you caring less about your self.  

    Living days without a self isn't living…it is going through the motions without feelings…it is like living without a body or awareness.  

    Guess it is called unconscious being.

    Trauma woke me up and actually trauma put me asleep…

    I have lived life both ways, and there is no contest; being able to feel and allow each emotion to see the light of day is the only way to live.

    Otherwise you are just breathing, unaware…counting years and allowing days to slip by.

     

  • How It Feels

    I am reading "The Body Never Lies," again by Alice Miller.  

    What is really standing out to me this time around is the fact about feelings. Or the fact that it is more typical than not to not be aware of your true feelings.

    Alice writes, "Genuine Feelings are never a product of conscious effort. They are quite simply there, and they are there for a very good reason, even if that reason is not always apparent.  I cannot force myself to love or honor my parents if my body rebels against such an endeavor for reasons that are well-known to it.  But if I still attempt to obey the Fourth Commandment, then the upshot will be the kind of stress that is invariably involved when I demand the impossible of myself.  This kind of stress has accompanied me almost all my life.  Anxious to stay in line with the system of moral values I had accepted, I did my best to imagine good feeings I did not possess while ignoring the bad feelings I did have.  My aim was to be loved as a daughter.  But the effort was all in vain.  In the end I had to realize that I cannot force love to come if it is not there in the first place.  On the other hand, I learned that a feeling of love will establish itself automatically (for example, love for my children or love for my friends) once I stop demanding that I feel such love and stop obeying the moral injunctions impossed on me.  But such a sensation can happen only when I feel free and remain open and receptive to all my feelings, including the negative ones."

    "The realization that I cannot manipulate my feelings, that I can delude neither myself nor others, brought me immense relief and liberation.  Only then was I fully struck by the large number of people who (like myself) literally almost kill themselves in the attempt to obey the Fourth Commandment, without any consideration of the price this extracts both from their own bodies and from their children.  As long as the children allow themselves to be used this way, it is entirely possible to live to be one hundred without any awareness of one's own personal truth and without any illness ensuing from this protracted form of self-deception."

    "A mother who is forced to realize that the deprivations imposed on her in her youth make it impossible for her to love a child of her own, however hard she may try, can certainly expect to be accused of immorality if she has the courage to put that truth into words. But I believe that it is precisely this explicit acceptance of her true feelings, independent of the claims of morality, that will enable her to give both herself and her children the honest and sincere kind of support they need most, and at the same time allow her to free herself from the shackles of self-deception."

    "When most children are born, what they need most from their parents is love, by which I mean affection, attention, care, protection, kindness, and the willingness to communicate.  If these needs are gratified, the bodies of those children will retain the good memory of such caring, affection all their lives, and later, as adults, they will be able to pass on the same kind of love to their children. But if this is not the case, the children will be left with a lifelong yearning for the fulfillment of their initial (and vital) needs. In later life, this yearning will be directed at other people.  In comparison, the more implacably children have been deprived of love and negated or maltreated in the name of "Upbringing," the more those children, on reaching adulthood, will look to their parents (or other people substituting for them) to supply all the things those same parents failed to provide when they were needed most.  This is a normal response on the part of the body.  It knows precisely what it needs, it cannot forget the deprivations.  The deprivation or hole is there waiting to be filled."

    "The older we get, the more difficult it is to find other people who can give us the love our parents denied us. But the body's expectations do not slacken with age – quite the contrary!  They are merely directed at others, usually our own children and grandchildren.  The only way out of this dilemma is to become aware of these mechanisms and to identify the reality of our own childhood by counteracting the process of repression and denial.  In this way we can create in our own selves a person who can satisfy at least some of the needs that have been waiting for fulfillment since birth, if not earlier.  Then we can give ourselves the attention, the respect, the understanding for our emotions, the sorely needed protection, and the unconditional love that our parents withheld from us."

    "To make this happen we need one special experience; the experience of love for the child we once were.  Without it, we have no way of knowing what love consists of."  Alice Miller

    While I knew that having lived 46 years trying so hard to possess feelings of love and warmth toward my parents, and working at being a warmer person, it had never not once occurred to me that I wasn't the problem. That due to the lack of feelings of love didn't mean there was something the matter with me…but rather what I was trying to love.

    I remember having odd and horrifying realizations about my self, when the lack of deep caring and love didn't arise from me, towards my parents.  I would not even want to glance to long at this self that seemed to be so detached and cool.  For what child doesn't want to be with her parents?

    The double feelings that I had with the discovery that my father was a pedophile, was that I wasn't a broken love person.  I wasn't cold or detached…I wasn't living in a broken body and cold toward family…I wasn't damaged…but my family was.

    I am not sure I can tell you how it feels to believe you don't have access to warmth and caring or love towards parents…and feel you are damaged. That you arrived empty of that kind of love.  Yet I knew I could feel, but couldn't carry those feelings to my parents.

    It now gives me great peace to know I can't manipulate feelings…that emotions are natural responses, ones that come up without any assistance from me.  It leaves me in a neutral position taking the lead from my body.

    My body never lies…however, I have lied about my body.

    I have lived faking my feelings.

    Living a fake life.

    But no more.  Now, I simply agree with how It feels.

     

  • Peace Is.

    What I read about the lower levels, (below 200 in consciousness) caught my attention. 

    "A prime difficulty with thoughts and behaviors associated with the energy fields below 200 is that they cause counterreactions. A familiar law of the observable universe is that force results in equal and opposite counterforce; all attacks, therefore, whether mental or physical result in countreattacks. Malice literally makes you sick; we're always the victims of our own vindictiveness.  Even secret hostile thoughts result in a physiological attack on one's own body." David Hawkins, Power vs Force

     

    As you are caught up in blaming and pointing fingers and attacking others, you are actually loading the gun to come back at you.  

    If it hadn't been for Byron Katie and her brilliant turn around, where I could see that who I was really hollering at was me, I would have kept loading the guns and attacking others.  Instead I got very busy unloading my anger guns.

    I have been very busy learning about the human mind, the psyche, and now the levels of awareness and energy that all contribute to the way a human being is…to say nothing of the treatment and beliefs they were taught as a child.  Incredible that we even have any coherent beings walking this planet.

    And it is my belief, the more we learn about what doesn't work, the more we can learn about what does.  And our exquisite bodies are the key to unlocking all the mysteries.  As Deepak Chopra has stated, "the mind is manifested in the body," and an angry mind creates disease. 

    I have found my ease and peace by learning about how truth or untruth affects my body and how I live my life.  

    I have learned by reading and doing, that what I put out indeed comes right back.  There is no one out there to blame for my life but me.  

    David writes about peace.

    "Peace can't be created this way; peace is the natural state of affairs when what's preventing it is removed.  Relatively few people are genuinely committed to peace as a realistic goal, for in their private lives, most people prefer being "right" at whatever cost to their relationships or themselves.  A self justified positionality is the real enemy of peace.  When solutions are sought on the level of coercion, no peaceful resolutions are possible."

    What I love is that peace is the natural state of affairs, when you remove what is preventing peace…peace is.

    I had no idea that I had such huge mountains of stuff preventing me peace!  When you can get to the place of loving what is, peace is.

     

  • Inner Level of Truth

    While I thought that we all see life from different angles, I had thought it was from the level of our experience, but it may be more from the level of our awareness. 

    David Hawkins writes a neat example of how we see the world.  

    "Imagine a "bum" on a street corner: In an upscale neighborhood stands an old man in tattered clothes, alone and leaning against the corner of an elegant brownstone. Look at him from the perspective of various levels of consciousness, and note the inconsistency in how he appears to different people and viewpoints.

    "From the bottom of the scale, at a level of 20, (Shame), the bum is seen to be dirty, disgusting, and disgraceful.  

    From the level 30 (Guilt) he'd be blamed for his condition: He deserves what he gets; he's probably a lazy welfare cheat.

    At the level 50 (Hopelessness), his plight would appear desperate, a damning piece of evidence to prove that society can't do anything about homelessness.

    At the level 75 (Grief), the old man looks tragic, friendless, and forlorn.

    At a Conscious level of 100 (Fear), we might see the bum as threatening, a social menace; perhaps we should call the police before he commits some crime.

    At 125 (Desire), he represents a frustrating problem – why doesn't somebody do something.

    At 150 (Anger), the old man might look like he could be violent; or, on the other hand, one could be furious that such horrible conditions exist in our country today.

    At 175 (Pride) he could be seen as an embarrassment or as lacking the self-respect to better  himself.

    At 200 (Courage), we might be motivated to wonder if there is a local homeless shelter – all he needs is a job and a place to live.

    At 250 (Neutrality), the bum looks okay, maybe even interesting.  "Live and let Live," we might say – after all, he's not hurting anyone.

    At 310 (Willingness), we might decide to go down and see what we can do to cheer up that fellow on the corner; maybe we'd be motivated to volunteer some time at the local shelter.

    At 350 (Acceptance), the man on the corner appears intriguing; He probably has an interesting story to tell; he's where he is for reasons we may never understand. 

    At 400 (Reason), he's a symptom of the current economic and social malaise, or perhaps a good subject for in-depth psychological study.

    At the higher levels, the old man begins to look not only interesting, but friendly – and then lovable. Perhaps we'd then be able to see that he was, in fact, one who had transcended social limits and gone free a joyful old guy with the wisdom of age in his face and the serenity that comes from indifference to material things.

    At 600 (Peace) he's revealed as our own self in a temporary expression.

    When approached, the bum's response to these different levels of consciousness would vary with them.  With some, he'd feel secure – with others, frightened or dejected.  Some would make him angry, others would delight him; some he'd avoid, others he'd greet with pleasure.   (And so it's said that we meet what we mirror.)

    So much for the manner in which our level of consciousness – that is, the world we encounter as passive observers – decides what we see. It's true that we'll react to things in a fashion predicated by the level that we perceive them from, that is to say, external events may define conditions, but they don't determine the conscious level of human response.  " David Hawkins

    What I failed to take into consideration, along with the truth, is that we all see what we see depending upon our level of awareness.  It isn't so much that the truth has different shades, but that we do.

    We have darker shades of viewing life and you see how you feel or by your level of being.

    I have learned that who I am to others, way depends on how they see themselves…and really their total understanding not only of self, but life and the Universe too.

    I have felt many differing viewpoints of me…and how I was so wrongly perceived. 

    Just as this bum, I am a lady and they bring their own definition of me to me, and it is colored by their own self awareness.  The lower the level, the worse of a person I become.

    This has freed me to be me…and to make choices based on what I felt was the best for my soul.

    What is also interesting, or at least it bears noting.  It seems that the choices that are good for the soul, are not so good for the pride/ego person.  

    My old choices that helped me thrive in the lower levels are now extremely unappetizing to me now.  It is like you lose the taste for old habits…the magnetism loses its attraction to you

    What is also very cool, is that no one but you can change the level of your consciousness, its energy field is derived by your thought patterns and beliefs.  What you believe…is your level of consciousness.  

    David Hawkins writes about making a leap in awareness.

    "On our scale of consciousness, there are two critical points that allow for major advancement.  The first is at 200, the initial level of empowerment; Here, the willingness to stop blaming and accept responsibility for one's own actions, feelings, and beliefs arises – as long as cause and responsibility are projected outside of oneself, one will remain in the powerless mode of victimhood. The second is at the 500 level, which is reached by accepting love and nonjudgmental forgiveness as a lifestyle, excercising unconditional kindnes to all persons, things and events without exception.  (In 12-step recovery groups, it's said that there are no justified resentments -even if somebody "did you wrong." you're still free to choose your response and let resentment go.)  Once one makes this commitment, he begins to experience a different, more benign world as his perceptions evolve."  David

    Beauty indeed is in the eye of the beholder…You simply can't see that which you are not aware of within you…the less of your self you know and undertand, the less of me you understand and know.

    The more I have learned about me, the broader I view the world…the world is seen from our inner level of truth.

  • Enjoying LIfe together

    Yesterday I spent creating two Mitten Tree Ladies…who are so full of, (as one woman put it,) exuberance.  I love the fabric and the feelings these ladies have.  Their spirits are imbued with self power.

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    And working with sweater fabric has been a new challenge, but I love the way it adds a new dimension…the feeling of winter.

    IMG_7249
    This Evergreen batik fabric was a challenge, just to see what colors would go with it.  I put down the white and black and greys and whites and was surprised it would go….and the brights flowed too.  I add colors by feeling and never know what will be allowed and what will have to go.

     

    As I was waiting for the above pictures to be downloaded on to this site, I was reading in David Hawkins book, Power vs Force. 

    "Force is limited, whereas power is unlimited.  Through its insistence that the ends justify the means, force sells out freedom, for expediency.  Force offers quick, easy, solutions.  In power, the means and the end are the same, but ends require greater maturity, discipline, and patience to be brought to fruition."

    "Great leaders inspire us to have faith and confidence because of the power of their absolute integrity and alignment with inviolate principles.  Such figures understand that you can't compromise principle and still retain your power."  David Hawkins

    What really caught my eye, is that Force Sells out Freedom…and it will justity any means to get what it wants.

    Acting out in this moment of time, to ensure a peaceful end…really?

    Is not your life created by each step in time?  

    It is insane to think that all the steps of force will in the end deliver a relationship of empowerment.  You can't steal power and have a strong individual left standing.

    I have seen families in the FALC, and even those who have left the church behind, but not the force driven relationships, force their children…by not letting them have their freedom.  

    It has shown me how it was so imperative that I give my children the power to make their own choices.  That is freedom.  Letting them decide…especially when it went against my values or viewpoints…or basically against me. That was when it mattered most.  And I let them.  I not only let them, but had to do so willingly in complete agreement, that yes, they are allowed to go against me.  In fact, if they feel so drawn to, they must…they have to follow their own inner feelings, NoT Mine.

    My earlier mothering instincts were to force them to do as I did…yet after I gave my self the power to walk differently than my parents, it would have been hypocritical to not let them do the same.  And they did.

    It takes great discipline and patience to watch your children grow into their own maturity and lives…but what freedom and joy to allow them them to be free thinkers and free movers, to not be attached at the hip of me….doing and saying and being…Like puppets on my string.

    I truly believed in my own freedom and my authentic power…and that belief powered and gave me strength to give the same to my children. 

    It really does take great patience and discipline to stay in the mode of freedom of choice and empowerment…allowing them to be free, for you can't know if they will freely chose to be with you.

    "If you love someone, set them free….If they come back to you their yours…"  You will then have two free spirits enjoying life together.