Category: My thoughts…

When I seen the date today, I felt the need to explore where I stand with the brother whose birthday it is today.  He is the oldest in our family with me coming in a year and a half later.

 

We were different in so many ways, where I felt responsible and took care of the siblings, he seemed to rebel and go his own way. 

 

His life was separate, often in his own room, drawing Art that was very intricate in detail but in a twisting and mixed up sort of way, black lights and posters of darkness.  He seemed to stand alone and aside from our family in a defiant sort of way.

 

He rebelled in school, about rules and things the teachers were teaching, always challenging the norm.

 

He wasn’t afraid to be the loner or to be the odd man out, in fact he seemed to try and be outstanding but in a unique way, yet never really catching on to our disapproval, for he was just being himself.

 

He feels that it was my fault that his childhood is now tarnished with deeds from a father towards a daughter, that I totally wrecked what he considered an average childhood.

 

His memories are now twisted and mixed up like his drawings of past, perhaps his sub-consciousness was the Artist back then.

 

When I first discovered that I was a victim of my father, that he was a pedophile, it never crossed my mind that my owing that would affect my relationships with my siblings, that it  would come between brothers and sisters.

 

My brother felt that the ‘victims’ would get all the support and that his poor father would stand alone, so he became the one to step up and be with him. 

 

So he was the one who made sure he had a good lawyer, that he was bailed out and a place to live, first at his house, until I called the Court, letting them know he was in a home of a young girl, and then to his camp. 

 

As he stood steadfast by my father’s side, I slipped away.

 

It was odd to fear a brother, to lock doors with a racing heart, not knowing what such a confused person could do.

 

I was the one he stood against, me his sister.

 

What do I do with that?  How do meet him and keep this part of him separate and not allow it to come between us?

 

I fully believed the children would unite and form a close front, that we would heal, and deal and commiserate together, a rag tag crew, broken, defeated, upside down, dragging each other across the finish line of normal.

 

They say what doesn’t break you makes you stronger, our family broke, well it was already broken, but this just made the crack wider and even more jagged. 

 

The relationships between the 14 children, varied between ages and the span of years that separated, whether you had kids or not, whether you lived near each other, and even if you had similar likes, but at the end of the day, I assumed when trouble hit us, we would cling to each other and become a better family because of it, instead it seemed to stretch and rip an already weak thread that held us together.

 

We all, each one of us were not strong enough to paddle our boats through the rapids while carrying and holding on to another, it seemed it was each man/woman for himself.

 

And maybe that is the way we all grew up, separated and it was for survival of the fittest, doing what needed to be done to get us through.

 

I really don’t know how he felt justified to stand beside a man who hurt little girls, a man who was so self- absorbed in his own addiction, but that is what my brother did.

 

All I can now do, is honor his choice, allow him the freedom to spend time now with his dad and my perpetrator, and in doing that I also get to have the freedom to step away from that relationship.

 

There is no common ground between the way we two handled this crisis, the way we rowed our own boats, his headed deeper into the swirling dark waters, while I paddled like mad to put distance and space reaching for land and the safety it would offer.

 

He and I literally are heading in opposite directions, I guess like we always have.

 

Funny he now steps in and is responsible or feels responsible, to stand by his father, like we are in a mental relay, he grabs what I release.

 

I am letting go while he is hanging on, or picking up what I am putting down.

 

Happy Birthday Brother, if I had a gift to give you today, it would be the gift of release, of surrendering and no longer carrying of others and their lives, to be able to create wonderful art, without the twisted subconsciousness emerging, to be free and unique, in peace and joy, just to be.

 

Free of the dark swirling waters.

 

If and when you change direction and start swimming towards land, my hand will be reaching….always!

 

 

“Every Man has his own destiny; the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him.”    

                                                Henry Miller

 

Today is my last day running Mail, and I will be so happy when I drop the last piece of mail in the box.

 

I am not sure what this says about me, but working full time just isn’t me.   I am thinking it is more the work I am doing not the amount of time I am doing it.

 

It has been a week of working really hard to remember where these people are in the Case as I sort and then to find the correct box and get familiar with roads and sights along the way.

 

It is working really hard to get in a routine.

 

I am wondering if being in a routine is comfortable for most people?  I think back and I used to like living in a routine, and maybe still do to some extent.

 

It is just that this routine would become familiar, but the Me doing it would seem unfamiliar.

 

We get paid well for running this routine, but it almost seems like I am nowhere to be found, but my body and mind are very busy doing this job!

 

I am not required to arrive, just a body that can stand and withstand the rigors of being a mail person and a mind that can quickly fall into the routine of memorizing.  Yet the Spirit of me, the essence of me isn’t really needed there.

 

It seems like a flat line job.  There could be interesting things that you deliver, or maybe different people you would get to know along the way, and I suppose weather plays apart to adding its excitement, but all in all it is routine.

 

Maybe I wasn’t born for routine, maybe my inner soul needs more in life, needs to have things new and different, not the same ole same ole.

 

It somehow feels like I am on a long treadmill when I am made to travel the same exact route day in and day out.

 

There can be a comfort that can be found knowing what you will do day after day.  Yet I guess even doing the mail there are some things that are not for sure.

 

We can see unusual sights and see unusual people and even have car issues along the way.  Maybe it is more the type of work, it doesn’t sing to me.

 

Luckily I am not being asked today to take over a route, but that is in my future.  I wonder what I will say?  I know that for the most part people deliver mail for the money.

 

I guess when the time comes money will be the deciding factor for me as well. 

 

Life really does become work when you are doing what you do for the money alone. 

 

“Do what you love and the money will follow.”  I wonder if that is true?  It seems in this case the money comes first, that is the lure that gets you on the treadmill.

 

Another quote that I heard is “if you do what you love to do, you will never work another day in your life!”  I agree.

 

Looking at the contents of the last few weeks, it is full of work, with little time and effort left for play.  That has to be what many folks are doing. 

 

I guess since I have had the luxury of being a stay at home mom, I fell into a space that allows me to have so much time to be me, this is an odd place to be in now.

 

It is like you lose yourself and become the work instead.

 

No wonder people identify themselves with the kind of job they do.  It slowly becomes them.

 

What seems really weird to me, is I can almost feel myself disappearing or find myself getting lost the more I work.

 

Wow.  To see your self slowly disappearing over time and routine, to become lost behind the busy routine of work, is very discerning since I feel I just found myself.

 

I come alive when I am immersed in quilting, when I am reading or writing about the Self and Reality, about living life as a soulful being on a human journey, and I feel my self retreating as I do the mail.

 

Interesting to know and watch.

 

“It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself.”   Thomas Paine

 

Who am I?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“If you board the wrong train, it is of no use to run along the corridor in the other direction.” 

                                                                   Dietrich Bonhoeffer

 

Once I committed to learning a new route, I was ok being a slower mail lady doing the best she can.  I came in late, but I am confident that most of the mail was delivered correctly.

 

Today I will do the route again, and this time, I will not go as far down the wrong road, or so I hope.

 

I recall the nervousness I had doing the mail the first time, and the mess inside of me, let alone looking around for the correct roads and mailboxes.  This time, I remained calm inside and didn’t have expectations that were way ahead of where I should have been.

 

It is the expectations that get the body all worked up, not the actual job. 

 

Somehow we expect to do the job perfectly or as swiftly as a person with 15 years of experience.

 

I expected to be late, to get lost, to overshoot a road or two and to reverse back to a few boxes, and I did!

 

I met myself exactly where I was at, and continued to be present as I searched for the correct mailbox scanning yards to see their fire number.

 

The first mail route I had, I cursed each box that was not identified with name and number, now this time I understood humanity, some are so beautifully marked, and many are a mystery.

 

The mysterious ones may not have gotten mail yesterday or perhaps someone else’s mail.  We will see today which boxes have the flags up, telling me my guess was wrong!

 

The regular lady had tried her best to mark the unmarked, to tape up the doors of the vacant, to help those who just never got around to labeling their box, to get their mail while I am on the route.

 

She cares, I am not sure the others do.  Part of the agreement with the Postal Service is you mark your box, give us hint, so we can match the mail in our hands to the place on the ground.

 

What happens is we assist others to be lazy, by learning to identify their mailbox by its uniqueness, we become familiar with no label, we allow them to not do their part.

 

One new recruit to backing up a route returned all mail with boxes with no numbers, you would not believe the amount that came back!  He didn’t care if there was a fire number in the yard.  He adhered to the rules, that the boxes must be marked clearly!

 

Who knew there were rules for mailboxes! 

 

Well I am off today to learn to identify those that are mysterious and soon they will not be mysterious at all, but rather clearly marked in my head as being the correct one.

 

How often do we let things slide and just consider that ok because to make others stand up and do their job is harder, so we let them slide and then train the next person to let it slide, until we are all sliders!

 

Surely we can’t blame the sliders, for it takes two to tango!

Today I head back to the Post Office and continue to memorize names and addresses and oh yeah and roads.  It is amazing to me that my head can hold so much!

 

There are multiple same last names, like a whole bunch a relatives converged on one little town, so I can remember the name, but darn if the one I find is not on the right road.

 

And we wiggle in and out of the same highway popping up here and there, after going down one short road after another.  It is hard to keep track of who lives where, until you become familiar with the route itself outside!

 

My head actually hurt after 4 hours of hunt and search! 

 

I read somewhere that after learning something new it is best to sleep so the mind can cement the connections.  Well I will let you know how today goes after a night of sleep.

 

Tomorrow I do the whole route myself, using the mail like a treasure map to know which road to go down!

 

It is truly amazing to end up right back where you started from with an empty vehicle, and crossing your fingers you put the right mail in each box!

 

Luckily they are very helpful as we train and learn this, too bad we don’t have big metal signs on our vehicles, “Be patient with me, I am new here!”

 

This is the fourth route that I have taken upon myself to learn, and there is one more to go.

 

Yes, that is right, the lady on the second route now wants me to learn hers as well.  But it is a little route, only 250 boxes.  The one I am attempting to learn now has 420, and 90 miles of roads!

 

I love how the roads up here change names when you take a corner, same blacktop or gravel, and by hanging a sharp right, you are now on a new road!  It makes it more fun when the mailboxes are on one road, but the people live on another.  I can only imagine how delivering packages will be.

 

I guess some people do mind puzzles to keep their minds limber, I do new mail routes.

 

Today is not a bad day, for I am not responsible for getting that one little post card in the right box in the middle of 90 miles, but by learning today, tomorrow will be that much easier!

 

Now it seems like a game to me, to see just how many names and roads and idiosyncrasies of folks I can fit in my head.  Will there come a time when it is full?

 

Below is a quote that was in an email, author unknown,

 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of Arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to Skid in sideways – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

"When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful". 

             Oprah

 

My brother is challenging this phrase….so will see where I stand on it.

 

First of all what is the definition of purpose?

 

Definition of Purpose.

Reason for existence: the reason for which something exists or for which it has been done or made desired effect: the goal or intended outcome of something- determination: the desire or the resolve necessary to accomplish a goal.

 

The first few words, “Reason for Existence” to me say it all.  It depends upon what you feel is the reason or purpose of your existence.

 

If your purpose in your head is different then your life, you will be off course.

 

We can have different purposes each day, different intentions, but that is not the purpose of us!

 

I guess we have to separate ourselves from the purpose of each moment.

 

The power she is talking about is spiritual power, not power that makes others move about.

 

Inner power compared to moving people about in their worlds is a huge difference.  Inner power is letting them move freely.

 

I hear a line this week, “I am not your Higher Power.”

 

I love that.  And in the case of power, it means that I do not have the right to act like I am  the “Higher Power”.

 

I love that I am not the one to decide your moves, whether they work or they don’t work.  I love that it is not up to me to give you power or to take it away.

 

I am the most powerful when I stand alone fully connected to what is, in harmony with the Universe.

 

My whole walking has been stepping along on this journey called life.

I may not have been off course, but I didn’t see life as I see it now. 

I wasn’t aware that I had more power by becoming powerless against what is.  Power before was getting people to do for me, move as I saw fit!

 

So maybe she could have said, when your mind is at one with what is, you are the most powerful.

 

Knowing what the purpose of life is, not yours, but life as a whole, and then knowing what power is, how it works in your world, how you feel more power or less, that will decide how you take her sentence.

 

I am powerful because I am powerless in life! I am breathed, I am thought, and I am moved, and I am the one who can experience all experience, but not one of those are me.

 

“I am Not your Higher Power.”

 

“When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose and meaning….When the personality comes to fully serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment.”

        Gary Zukav (The Seat Of The Soul)

 

In the past few days I have been delivering mail.  A respectable job with great pay, but it leaves me drained at the end of the day and the days seem to be much longer in length, like someone has stretched out time.

 

When I compare my days of doing mail up against days when I am knee deep in creating quilts, or writing on the blog, there is no comparison.

 

When my personality is being used to entertain ideas about expressing I M Perfect, I feel I come alive, I am fully engaged, and energy feels to come into me, not escape.

 

Would I deliver mail if I didn’t get paid?  There is no way. 

 

I can also use my personality to deliver mail, but it doesn’t have the overwhelming enthusiasm that I get when I am working on anything connected to I M Perfect.

 

While delivering mail in the past few days, I have been able to concentrate on listening to Sirius/XM radio and all the wonderful topics from many people in all walks of life.

 

I am inspired to continue to explore and entertain my life in finding out my souls purpose.

 

And I believe that this opportune job of making me sit in a car for 4 ½ hours is part of the deal.  There is no way that I could have had this much uninterrupted time at home!

 

I am hearing exactly what it is I need to hear at the perfect time.  This mail time is not for naught.

 

We can focus on the way it seems to not be aligned or instead the way it is part of the pathway.

 

I am doing exactly what it is I am doing right now, this is just a segment on my journey that connects my past and my future, this is just now.

 

For now, that line has saved me so many times, for now I am ok.  I can do this for now, for now this is what I am being asked to do.

 

So while here I will take as much from this as I can, gracefully accepting the pay, the time to listen uninterrupted, and to view the scenery along the way.

 

I am starting out the day knowing the route of the mail, but not what I will hear or how it will inspire me to make another move in a new direction.  I feel there is always more going on than what meets the eye.

 

It feels that my job is to see all that arises, to not miss one little drop. 

 

To hear what the Universe is saying, and to hear what I am saying!

 

Am I saying yes or am I saying no, am I accepting the Universe and its gifts or am I stamping over the top carelessly, kicking aside precious gifts unopened beneath.

 

I will open up as many gifts as I can today!

I wonder what will be inside?

What will I find?

 

Each day begins with a stack of presents, how many will we open?

 

My pile awaits….

 

 

I watched a person in the throes of anger, not a full- blown rage, but just anger and then the unsettledness that followed.

 

It comes into the room in a burst and gets added steam, runs a short while and then seems to disappear.  Where does anger go to and where did it come from?

 

When I was recanting the situation to my family, a few smirks fell out, an eye caught an eye in a knowing nod.

 

I knew then that they witnessed me in this same ‘fit’.  It was like an ism of me that they understood.  Like a bad irritating habit that they accepted of me. A twitch.

 

The definition of anger is a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.  And resentment is, indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance.

 

If we are feeling a strong feeling of displeasure, is that because we feel we should always be in pleasure? Is it possible to be in pleasure all the time, is that reasonable?  Are we angry at the person or ourselves for falling out of pleasure.

 

How is it possible that something outside can steal our inside feelings?  Don’t we own them?  If not, who does?

 

And resentment can be felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance, so it doesn’t even matter if it is real or not, we seem to respond the same.

 

I am very intrigued by all of this?  How feelings come in whether they are real or not, doesn’t seem to matter, we act the same!

How can we know if anger is justified, and is it ever justified or to who is it justified?

 

What triggers it? Is anger an emotion?

 

e·mo·tion

A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling: the emotions of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate, and love.

2. A state of mental agitation or disturbance: spoke unsteadily in a voice that betrayed his emotion

3. The part of the consciousness that involves feeling; sensibility

 

 

A mental state that arises spontaneously, so we don’t have to think emotions, they just seem to arise.

 

Our bodies bring these forth or is it the mind?

 

Are all emotions in each person the same?  If so, how can it be that some respond to them and others do not?

 

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, in her book “My Stroke of Insight” said, “I define responsibility (response ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time.  Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream. My anger response, for example, is a programmed response that can be set off automatically. Once triggered, the chemical released by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience.  Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger is completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over.  If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let the circuit continue to run.  Moment by moment, I make the choice to either hook into my neurocircuitry or move back into the present moment, allowing that reaction to melt away as fleeting physiology.

 

So now it seems that some of us seem to tag on to the emotions and take the full ride, others see them come and go and not jump on!

 

I wonder why? 

 

“The left brain, according to Dr. Jill, is the story teller, and draws conclusions based upon minimal information.  For the longest time I found these antics of my story teller to be rather comical.  At least until I realized that my left mind full-heartedly expected the rest of my brain to believe the stories it was making up!  Throughout this resurrection of my left mind’s character and skills, it has been extremely important that I retain the understanding that my left brain is doing the best job it can with the information it has to work with.  I need to remember, however, that there are enormous gaps between what I know and what I think I know.  I learned that I need to be very wary of my storyteller’s potential for stirring up drama and trauma.”

 

So then is it possible to watch, be aware of our selves and decide when to hop on or not?

 

Who hops on, the left brain and its storyteller ways?

What if no storyteller lived inside, would we just have the emotion passing like water under the bridge?

 

Who needs anger, what is the use of it?

It seems mostly a defense mechanism.

 

If you had nothing to defend, would you then no longer jump on the anger train!

 

I am going to welcome anger in and see if I can become friends with it!  Maybe then it will not catch me unaware!

 

Emotions must come in and out like thoughts, and our breath.

 

Maybe like our breath they are meant to come and go, and not become ours personally!

 

Let them be the breath of the universe, let them come and go showing you different expressions of life.

 

To be alive is to have emotions!  I can’t imagine being emotionless, but maybe we can allow them to pass and not get so carried away and out of control.  To just stand face to face with an emotion, honoring it.  To welcome it in, and to greet it, but not to own it and place our sense of self on it’s back.

 

Bird watchers do not become birds, they just watch them, I will watch my emotions, be an emotional watcher!

 

 

The blogger lady is still blogging, just not posting.  And she loves to post, for it makes it real.

The computers either shut down when I try to post, or just never connect to the internet.  Life is sure interesting.  It is like wanting to drive, having a destination, but no car.  Well there is a car, but no key, or maybe the wheels are missing.  Just one thing will stop the action.

So in blogger land, there is no posting.  Ironically I can type and type and type, just not post.  I am wondering about this all, and have no answer, just am learning patience.  Hopefully next week, the problem will be solved.  Until then, the blog is stuck, silent, but has info of the past.  Even the Photo Editor is stopped, she too doesn't have access.  We are hopeful though. 

I love how we all have information to share, but some just don't have the vehicle.  Some are missing one small vital piece.

When will I post, will this one go?  Who knows, we may see it on the Blog!

Summer School has begun, classes I am taking and who are my teachers!

It seems that the first course is "Stuff attached to people."

The challege is to be patient and loving while finding places for all this stuff!  The college dorms are emptied and sitting in our truck trying to merge back in. Students are emptied of assignments also trying to merge back into our rules, our home, our world, while maintaining their independence! 

Time also seems to be a class.  Whose time is it, does it matter and to whom?

No wonder each summer I feel somewhat anxious, it is my lesson, my learning, my grade!  Will I pass or fail? 

The teachers will know, they get to judge, will they get what they required?  They get to decide if I am a loving mom, not me?  If our home is welcoming, not me? 

In a way it frees me to just be me, knowing that even though they get to see if I pass or fail, I ultimately decide.

I decide how I will be as they come home.  I decide to see stuff or them. I decide if they feel welcome or rejected.  I am the student  who is willing to learn, to do my best, to pass or die trying.

My lesson this summer, keep love at all costs.  Keep a Home, not a House. See a child not their stuff, see their lives instead of their lives through my eyes.

Lots to see and learn, many many places for me to get this right, again.

The bell has rung, it is time to get to class, happy that I heard the warning bell!