I M Perfect lady

Tag: changes

  • Steering Our Own Canoes!

    One definition of codependency; Adult children of alcoholics; people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed; people in relationships with chronically ill peoples; parents of children with behavior problems; people in relationships with irresponsible people; professionals – nurses, social workers and others in ‘helping’ occupations.  Even recovering alcoholics noticed they were codependent and perhaps had been long before becoming chemically dependent.

     

    Melody Beatte goes on to write.

     

    “One fairly common denominator was having a relationship personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people.  But a second more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change – however healthy and beneficial that movement might be.  These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.

     

    Melody’s personal definition is; A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

                    Melody Beatte

     

    As I sit here 5 ½ years later, I realize that I rocked the family canoe by getting out, I tipped the balance and was seen as crazier than the folks who began steering that canoe long before I was born.

     

    I heard on the radio today, that a family boat is heading down a certain river before a child is born, and our legacy is to pick up an oar and row.

     

    We are taught how to row and in what direction by our parents.  And we don’t start rowing at 18, but at about 1 year old or younger. 

     

    We are taught how to row and where.

     

    It is my opinion that two mentally and emotionally disturbed people were rowing my family’s canoe, and that the only way to save my self was to get out of the boat, and not to just stop rowing.

     

    I was no longer trusting in the elders who steered our family canoe, nor was I going to ride along with the rest, just because we were born in the same boat.

     

    While I couldn’t change the course of the family boat, I could change mine, but in order to do so, I had to jump out.

     

    It is seen as rejection of all who stayed in the boat.

     

    It isn’t seen as healthy or wise, but rather that I have set boundaries to keep them out.

     

    And I guess I have.

     

    I don’t want people in my canoe trying to steer me in a direction I don’t want to go in. 

     

    It has been a long and arduous journey to find the strength and confidence to row myself, to strike out on my own, learning how to row in a direction that is much more healthy than what I was taught.

     

    While the rest may see me as rejecting them, I am only embracing me. 

     

    Embracing my independence, my freedom of choice, my boundaries, and learning what is healthy for me and what causes me pain, what I need to live in peace, love and joy.  Learning how to stay in my canoe and in my business, allowing and honoring each person to ride the river of life as they chose.

    I heartily and cheerfully encourage the rest to jump ship, letting the family’s legacy canoe to finally become empty of dysfunctional codependent folks.  It can happen when one by one each of us begin steering our own canoes!

     

     

     

  • Loving What Is…

    We would rather be ruined than changed;
    We would rather die in our dread
    Than climb the cross of the moment
    And let our illusions die.
    ~W.H. Auden

     

    What is so unreal is that we believe we can stop change that it is up to us to keep things the same, and it is viewed worthy if we remain unchanged.

     

    Not only unchanged, but that if you change it is somehow seen as bad, wrong or that you succumbed to a new circumstance, instead of standing hard against change.

     

    I have come to see that change happens often and mostly for my benefit, and the more I get used to letting go of rigid beliefs about my life and how it is supposed to flow, I am much more relaxed and willing to bend with the next thing that changes.

     

    Our bodies change, the days change, the seasons change, our roles change, our attitudes change, our energies change, our feelings change, our world simply doesn’t stop changing.

     

    I think we can accept change as long as it goes according to our vision of our futures, but as soon as it changes and creates a kink in our plans, we then stand strong against that change.

     

    Standing against change feels stronger, yet it is actually a weakened state.  The strongest is to surrender and accept with grace whatever is happening, for it is happening.

     

    Accepting what is, as Byron Katie says…is really loving what is, and if you are not accepting it, you are fighting with reality and you only lose, but 100% of the time.

     

    I think we think we are good at navigating the changes in our lives, until the unthinkable happens, when we are forced to look upon something that certainly goes against our dreams, or our plans, and then see how you accept change?

     

    I have found that it is in accepting the most difficult things that we truly see ourselves; see where we truly are, how we are and how we are really living.

     

    Are we living in reality or in a dream about reality?

    Are we flowing with the Universe and living in a love hate relationship with it?

     

    Loving the Universe when our plans are going according to plan, and despising that same God, when things fall through?

     

    It has taken lots of disappointments, lots of changes, and lots of moments of utter disbelief to finally see the gifts in all the changes that have happened in my life.

     

    I was forced to look for gifts among the piles of changes and in doing so always found the thread that lead me to understanding the change.

     

    In seeing a bigger picture or seeing that which I failed to acknowledge, it was my perspective of change that was needed.

     

    Instead of sitting in the land of ‘expecting no change’, I now live knowing all life changes…I am comfortable with change, and if not, I know that it is my mind that has to be changed, not reality.

     

    Reality changes whether we agree or disagree…it is up to you how long it takes.

     

    I have found the quicker I change my mind, the more peaceful I am.

     

    Byron Katie says there are three little words that cause suffering…should, could and would.

     

    And there are three words that bring peace, Loving what is…

     

  • The Cost of my Peace!

    I finally figured out what I can’t accept in having to accept.

     

    I can’t accept that someone can’t change.

     

    And I guess that is not the meaning of acceptance.  I want acceptance with a clause.

     

    I want to accept who you are, but that you can change.

     

    This is incredibly insane. 

    This isn’t acceptance it’s conditional acceptance.

     

    It seems to be hopeless to accept others as they are.

    I am not sure if you can follow this, but in my head it makes sense as to why I am forever waiting and hoping, for I believe to the depth of my being that changes are possible.

     

    Even if the other person has yet to make one step, I am of thinking, ‘they can’.

     

    Yet can they?

     

    It almost seems like I have to become a pessimist or at very least, a realist and see who they are, not their potential with change.

     

    Imagine, “their potential with change” that is so not accepting who they are in this moment, but dreaming and believing that who they are isn’t who they want to be.

     

    Instead who they are ISN’T who I want them to be.

     

    I want them to be different.

    I want them to change to satisfy my ideas of what would make them a better this or a better that.

     

    This is an ongoing problem with me living in the land of potential changes, instead of being real right now.

     

    It is what it is.  I had said a million times.  But what I felt is, ‘it is what it is, until it isn’t’!

     

    Living in a hopeful state that someone will change, leaves you feeling hopeless.

     

    Somehow I have to work on accepting others not ever changing, and by seeing it is I with the problem, not them. 

     

    They are quite happy being as they are.

    As Byron Katie says, “who are you to ruin a good buzz, they are happy drinking!”

     

    I am the one that struggles with accepting that they are okay where they are, that they have no thoughts of changing, and have told me so repeatedly in words, thoughts and deeds!

     

    UGH.

     

    This will sit with me today.

    I accept who they are, but that they can change.

    Which is totally counterintuitive!

     

    I will only accept what is if what is changes!

     

    It would be funny if it wasn’t such a tragedy and if it hadn’t cost me so much peace.

     

    Believing in changes at the cost of my peace!

     

     

  • Reality has no Delete Buttons

     

    I am way confused about the applications of religion, the way religion believes that you can hand over your burdens to God, that Jesus will carry the things you don’t want to deal with, that he is a dumping off place.

     

    How can you literally hand the “bad stuff” over?

     

    Like what do you do actually?

     

    How do you take experiences and actions and bundle them up and hand them over?

     

    How do you remove them from your past?

     

    Isn’t it odd that this ‘forgiving and forgetting’ technique is only used for things that are troubling about other people; you never remove the ‘good things’ only the bad things you don’t want to deal with.

     

    It reminds me a huge delete button.

     

    When a person’s action hurts or makes you feel bad, and you don’t really want to address it, you can hit this button.

     

    When an incident happens that changes the original picture of someone, you can just hit the “I forgive you button” and like magic they continue to be ‘good’.

     

    This button will allow the other person not to have the hassle of changing, or making corrections; you are just agreeing to not see them.

     

    Agreeing to not see them does not make them disappear.  You are just two people pretending something is no longer there.

     

    It is like living in a world where hurtful things happen, but you are denying they are there, you are determined not to see/hear and feel them.

     

    I am amazed and blown back that many actually believe this works.

     

    This delete button is in your head; it really doesn’t work in reality.

     

    You simply can’t walk along and hit this button when people’s behavior is unkind.

     

    You can’t create a new version of someone by overlooking his or her behaviors/actions! It simply doesn’t work in reality.  In reality the person continues on doing that which he does and you are just overlooking it.

     

    How supposedly intelligent individuals cannot see this NOT working puzzles me.

     

    The only delete button is actions.

    They have to act different.

    They have to walk a new walk to change their behavior.

     

    You simply can’t forgive and forget enough times to make the other person change.

     

    My mother tried this repeatedly and my father continued to abuse little girls.  Her forgiving and forgetting allowed him to not have to change.

     

    Oh MY God you simply can’t stuff this stuff into a belief in your head and make the world a better place!  You have to deal in the real.

     

    What is so insane to me is I am seen as the one with the issues for I have no delete button anymore!  I am the problem, because I will not forgive and forget.

     

    My delete button is broken.

     

    I am out of my mind and into reality.

     

    Reality has no delete buttons!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Sunny Side of Life!

    “Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.”

              Ashleigh Brilliant

     

    Living life forward is all we can do, and the power that lies in each action sets in motion the whole Universe.

     

    Once you start to focus on actions today or in this moment, by simply making one change today, you will begin a momentum that changes the course of your life.

     

    Doing yoga each day has changed my body’s future, the aches and pains are receding, and instead of discovering new things I can no longer do, I am undoing damage of old wounds.

     

    My leg, hip and back have been the area of focus, it seems that there lies years of misuse. 

     

    By continuing through the pain I come out on the sunny side of life!

     

    (Day 140 of doing bikram yoga in a row)

     

  • A U-Turn In Your Life!

    “A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.”    

      ~Author Unknown

     

    Each morning a bend appears, as I contemplate doing yoga another day.  I really only face this one day at a time.  So early each morning upon awakening, I take inventory to see if I have all I need to begin.

     

    I think there is a part of me that is exhausted by this yoga every day, one that wants me to revert back to the ‘good’ ole days.  It wants to slip back in to unconsciousness of being lazy, to go back to sleep in comfortable do nothing.

     

    Challenging that idea is another part of me, the one who enjoys being awake, aware and alive.

     

    At this point I am faced with two roads, one leading back a comfortable bed of lazy, or the one who is forging a new me.

     

    When life is at its busiest, when my time seems so limited, it would be so easy to find an excuse, for they lay scattered all about.

     

    Each excuse can be a sign that says, “Turn back.”

     

    Who knew that excuses were directional signs?

     

    I do now.  So each time an excuse pops up it is telling you to turn back into the old person you used to be.

     

    A U-Turn in your life!

     

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  • Keep Dyeing.

    Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. 

    John W. Gardner

     

    When I looked at my photographs of the dyed fabric, I noticed below that nature too was dyeing.  Snow was disappearing into colors of spring and new growth.

     

    Winter dying brings in spring growth, one color leaving another color arriving.

     

    There is a flow or harmony to this, no revolt is taking place where one refuses to co-operate, it just simply happens on a warm spring day, the snow melts and the grass appears, a changing of the guards in silence.

     

    Each surrendering to the other, neither refusing or resenting, in confidence and courage this all takes place. 

     

    Watching nature can give us great insights to life, for it is us, without a mind.

     

    Mindlessly flowing and changing, ebbing and flowing, growing and dying, exchanging season for season, letting go and surrendering as the Universal laws unfold.

     

    The creative orchestra continues to play as winter exits the stage, spring has already arrived, we are never left in a spot of no season.

     

    For some reason we cling to this stage, this season, this moment, this time, not fully trusting that another lay right beneath, waiting to serve us, always.

     

    Die onto yourself, I believe the poet Rumi said.  

     

    Dye onto your self.  Letting the color of change color you, surrendering to each new color that arises, ‘know that this too shall pass’.

     

    Keep dyeing.

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  • Start Running!

    I began a discussion yesterday about the benefits of yoga, of how amazed I was that I could literally see the affects, like muscle growth by doing 90 minutes each day.

     

    Immediately one lady said, “I do not have 90 minutes to spare,” to which another replied, “That is nonsense, you make the time.”

     

    We make the time; we add and remove things in our lives to make room for something we find important.

     

    "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."
     ~ Einstein

     

    As my yoga session was winding down, a thought came to me that I am already feeling the ‘World chasing me.”  The benefits of doing yoga, has health already chasing me!

     

    Bikram says that if you can do Cobra, Locust, Full Locust, Bow, that you don’t have to chase the world, the world will chase you. You don’t have to chase, love, love will chase you…. 

     

    I felt the tides changing direction, I felt I was no longer the one reaching, seeking, but instead the waves of life are chasing me! 

     

    I caught a glimpse of the affects coming towards me, my efforts being echoed and returning to me, in waves of gratitude and excitement I see muscles, feel muscles and strength! 

     

    My efforts work, my taking 90 minutes each day gives me back my health. 

     

    I am not certain I am expressing this correctly. But before I was sitting in a spot ‘hoping’ my health would improve or at least not worsen.  Now I am leading my health, I am out front doing pose after pose, day after day, building and adding layer upon layer of health.

     

    And guess what, health is growing and it is coming right behind me.  I feel it lining up behind me; I love that feeling of how selflessly It follows behind me.  Like I am the master and it is the servant. 

     

    For 51 years I waited for health to come to me, never knowing that it was waiting for me to begin.

     

    Failure to start will stop health from chasing you, you begin the race, you have to start running!

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  • Come Dance With Me!

    “Unceasing change turns the wheel of life, and so reality is shown in all its many forms.  Dwell peacefully as change itself liberates all suffering sentient beings and brings them great joy.”

              Buddhist sutra

     

    Dwell peacefully in change.  We are certainly not taught to embrace change, to actually expect change, instead it seems that we struggle to stop change, always.

     

    The seasons are switching outside, and the leaves are changing color, leaving the living world for the world of decay.  As winter is being born, fall is dying.

     

    “If we had the patience and a high-powered microscope, we could sit and stare at our hands and watch the river of change flowing through our own bodies right now.  We could watch our cells changing and dying and being replaced, over and over and over.  From year to year, every one of our cells is replaced.  Literally, who we were yesterday is not who we are today.  Our skin is new every month, our liver every six weeks. When we inhale, we breathe in elements from other organisms to create new cells, and when we exhale, we send parts ourselves out into the atmosphere – into the living, breathing universe.  “All of us,” writes Deepak Chopra, “are much more like a river than anything frozen in time and space.” (Broken Open)

     

    Imagine, we are not frozen in time, yet how often do we feel we must capture this moment, take prisoner this age, or hold tighter this stage, instead of holding the value of change.

     

    The value in change is that we have to enjoy what we have when we have it, to treasure each morsel as it fleetingly rushes by, yet open to the new rushing in.

    Never holding to tightly or failing to appreciate what is here right now, and knowing when to release.

     

    That is a talent that babies and perhaps dogs have.

     

    I am slowly but surely learning how to do this, how to be at peace with change, to fully enjoy the moment and then let it go away.

     

    To be in the flow of change, instead of trying to be the stopper of change, if that were even possible!

     

    I think the river of life rushes by you, as you are the stopper person, that life simply goes around while you are standing still, it refuses to comply with your stopping.

     

    We can sit down and hold on to fall in our minds, but winter will come in anyway, tossing snow and frigid temperatures in our faces never asking our permission.

     

    I read a poem that describes God in four words, “Come dance with Me!”

     

    Come dance with me as winter, come dance with me as fall, come dance with me as summer, as youth, as old age, in sickness and in health, we join God in all His wonderful disguises.

     

    Come dance with Me!

     

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    Not the God of Names,

    Nor the God of don’ts,

    Nor the God who ever does

    Anything weird,

    But the God who only knows four words

    And keeps repeating them, saying:

    “Come dance with Me.”

           Sufi poet Hafiz