Tag: changes

  • Driving on the Right Side

    To see my route from a few feet higher and a foot to the right was a whole new view.

     

    I seen the inside of mailboxes I have never seen, for their bottoms were even to the car top, and now I can look right in.  I will even be able to make sure all out going mail is out going!

     

    I feel like I have grown up and that I can now do this job like it is meant to be done, instead of with a handicap of being too short.

     

    Instead of everything being a struggle and barely in reach, it is right there.  Now I am noticing the really low ones, that were low for the car, are almost out of reach, but they are an exception.

     

    The relaxed nature of my car’s steering wheel allowed for a few degrees in each direction before it would follow, in the jeep, it responds immediately.  It kept me on my toes, no more looking for packages while driving!

     

    I only went to the passenger side a few times looking to drive from there, a reflex that has to be broken.

     

    The shifting will take some time, for the wipers came on a few times and I didn’t move an inch, but was surprised to see the washer fluid squirting up!

    Inside the jeep will also take time for me to get used to, as I find a sequence of how things will flow, when and where lunch will be served, where the stamps fit best, where out going mail basket fits best, where the small packages are easily reached, where the pen and small change will be kept, like moving into a new office space!

     

    And believe it or not, my right hip and leg were sore from all the leg work it now had to do, no more just kicking back while the left leg did it all.  Only one time, did I get in and put my right leg out to straighten me in the seat, and gun the motor, for I had stepped on the gas, and looked around for the ‘racing’ car…and it was Me.

     

    It is amazing what our bodies get used to and how creatures of habit we become.

     

    This just shows me how unaware you can become when you are in the same routine, until you change something that makes you do things differently.

     

    In a short while I will feel normal driving on the right side.

     

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  • Cheering for the Butterfly!

    We would rather be ruined than changed;
    We would rather die in our dread
    Than climb the cross of the moment
    And let our illusions die.

    ~W.H. Auden

     

    As I sit in the graveyard of my illusions, I am left with merging emotions, crashing upon each other, overlapping – sorrow and freedom, sadness and joy, feeling left out and being spared, all swaying within like ghosts.

     

    Memories of happier times try to overpower awareness of reality’s raw experiences; a game of pretend almost arises, like an abused woman who refuses to see the man who beat her, by focusing on the good times.

     

    Hope plans a future that isn’t to be, sorrow knowing you can never go home.

     

    Being sprung free and yearning for the cage.

     

    Celebrating while crying.

     

    Unable to firmly grasp one without feeling the loss of the other.

     

    It feels like I am dying while alive, grieving for my own self.

     

    Having one foot in the grave of my old life, while learning to walk in my new.

     

    The hardest part is to let me die, to be strong and keep killing the illusion, the dysfunctional relationships, letting them go on without me.

     

    I wish I could say I am tough and this is easy to feel the sorrow and pain as another section of my life dies…and I am left in the space of empty.

     

    The wise say that without change we would have no butterflies.

     

    But the time between caterpillar and butterfly is you are neither, suspended in time…

     

    You don’t fit with the caterpillars anymore, and you still have no wings to fly.

     

    In a cocoon I live, one life not finished and new one not fully begun.

     

    Suspended in soup of transition.

     

    Crying for the caterpillar and cheering for the Butterfly!

     

  • Puzzle Called Me.

    “The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss.” 

    ~Thomas Carlyle

     

    Putting together our lives is like a puzzle without a picture, we find what goes together and what doesn’t.

     

    Some parts fit easily and others will take practice and consorted effort to work them into place.

     

    271 days have passed since the first of the year, and it was my intention and desire to work with my body each day in yoga to bend it back into shape.

     

    265 days I made it to the mat and struggled against flab, weak muscles, ouchy joints, frozen stiff muscles not to mention a lazy attitude that would rather, snuggle.

     

    Had I not started this journey I would have missed the feelings of muscles, strong flexible muscles and a feeling of wonder taking care of self.

     

    It has rubbed off in other areas, I am more mindful of what I eat and even how much or if I am hungry.

     

    I am so grateful that I have worked to eliminate the suffering my body was heading into and I will not miss knowing what it is like to have a strong body.

    My strong body seems to help with keeping my mind strong as well, that when you get strong in one area, the others tag along.

     

    Each day I am so proud of myself when I take the time and effort, the pain and suffering on the mat, as yoga changes the shape of me, the feel of me, and the overall puzzle called me.

     

     

     

  • I Play Where I am Happy!

    “It’s easier to love a happy me,” is a comment I made and it seems profound in a very simplistic way.

     

    How can you love yourself if you are unhappy?

     

    What I found by writing is that unhappiness is wanting what is impossible to have.

     

    If you are not happy with what you have, you can’t love what you are.

     

    My happiness came when I discovered that there was no chance in getting what I wanted for me, that I had to accept what I was.

     

    I wanted me to be a not abused girl.

     

    I didn’t want to own the abuse and all what the abuse did to me, nor any of the characters attached to the abuse, or the church’s line of forgiveness.

     

    The list went on and on, and nothing on the list was pleasing to me; a full menu of things I didn’t like.

     

    When there was no hope or a pray in heaven that my reality could/would/should change, I found happiness.

     

    It was either be okay with my lot in life, or be unhappy.

     

    It is easy to be happy with a nice pair of shoes or jeans that fit you well, but try and put on reality when it seems too sordid to tell and be happy in that.

     

    But it hurts more to be forever waiting and wanting what is impossible to have.

     

    For some reason it is better to accept what is possible than to get left seeking the impossible.

     

     

    I made friends with what was possible.

     

    I learned mostly I had possibilities.

     

    “When God shuts a door, he opens a window” I believe is a phrase many use.

     

    Instead of sitting by the closed door, I went to the window and had the courage to find a way to be happy.

     

    By turning my attention and desires away from the closed door, I was presented with a million opportunities to be happy. 

     

    They would never be the choices behind the closed door, they were all different and I was delighted and surprised to find they made me happy.

     

    In the window of opportunities I began to see a new life, a new way, a new me, a new normal was being born.

     

    There is simply nothing I can do to change my past or all the characters who played there, but I can now decide how I play today.

     

    I play where I am happy!

     

  • Knowing Me From the Inside Out.

    "The Four Agreement Companion Book" by Miguel Angel Ruiz, M.D. and Janet Mills.  In it they write:

    "All the suffering and drama in your life is the result of what you have learned.  Whatever you learn is alive.  The image that you have of yourself is alive, and it lives in your mind.  That image is not you, but it will use everything it perceives to justify its own existence. It is not you, but it is eating you alive and destroying your happiness."

    "The voice of knowledge inside your mind controls the dream of your life.  The Toltec's call it a Parasite; the Bible calls it evil.  It is a living being that exists in your belief system, and lives by eating your faith, your intent, and your happiness.  What is sad is that you believe the knowledge is you; you believe the image is what you are.  The program, or Parasite, is really the one who is living your life, not you.  But this program was not there when you were born."

    "When you were born, your mind was completely innocent.  You had no concepts about good or bad, right or wrong, beauty or ugliness; you had no concepts at all.  You had no idea what it means to be a human, to be a man or to be woman, but you saw other people outside of you, and you recognized them as your own kind."

    "When you are one, two, or three years old, you cannot see yourself.  The only way to see yourself is to look at your image in a mirror, and other people act as that mirror.  You don't know what you are, but your mother tells you what you are, and your father tells you what you are, and brothers and sisters do the same thing.  The other humans around you have the capacity to project an image onto you, which means they tell you what they believe you are."

    "What your mother tells you is not exactly what your father tells you that you are, or what your siblings, or the television, or the church, or the whole society tells you that you are.  Every human in your life projects a completely different image onto you, and none of these images are accurate.  What you believe you are is a distorted image of yourself that came from other people — from mirrors that always distort images.  Because you cannot see yourself, you believe them as you agree with them.  As soon as you agree, the image is programmed in your memory, and now you believe this is what you are."

    "What were the images others projected onto you?  When you say, "I am smart, I am stupid, I'm beautiful, I am ugly," it is really the program who says I AM.  These images are only knowledge or a lot of concepts, but they aren't you." 

    "You perceive all the distorted images others create for you, and at a certain point you take all these images and try to make sense of them.  You create another whole image of yourself, and project it to the outside world:  I am good in school; I am bad in sports.  Then you practice that image until you master it.  And because people are projecting different images onto you, you are always asking them about yourself.  You are asking for the projections to support what you already believe, to support the distorted images you have about yourself."

    "In the same way other people project their beliefs onto you, you agree, and they become yours.  They teach you to judge the way they judge, to gossip the way they gossip, to create dramas the way they create dramas.  You begin to play with all these concepts, all this knowledge, and that is how you learn to dream."

    "The Toltec's call this the dream of the first attention because it is the first time you used your attention to create a whole reality.  And because your attention is hooked from the outside, your whole world is projected to the outside.  You begin to search for the yourself outside of you because you no longer trust who you are.  You search for what you believe you don't have:  justice, beauty, happiness, and love, when all of these were always inside of you."

    "Can you see the beginning of all the suffering and drama in your life?  You need a mirror in the world to see yourself, but there isn't a clear mirror to tell you what you are.  So you agree with the image others create for you, but you are not that image.  Of course you modify the image and you change it all the time, but where is the real you?  It gets lost because there isn't a good mirror to reflect what you really are."

                Don Miguel Ruiz, Janet Mills

    This book will be one of my pivotal books in explaining and affirming how I woke up one day and had no idea who I truly was, but had a great idea of who I wasn’t.

    The world is pretty scary when you can’t trust yourself, and instead rely on others to define you, your sense of self changes many times a day depending upon who you are with.

    Wayne Dyer’s quote, “Beyond the good opinion of others…” comes to mind, when their opinions can’t shake yours.

    I have unlearned who I was to re-learn who I am.

    The greatest gift I was ever given was to find out I didn’t know who I was, while it was the most terrified I have ever been, it also was the most exhilarating.

    Parts of the old me come floating in from time to time, just to be recognized for what I am not, each bringing back to me a new space or an open spot for a new idea, a new awareness, a new discovery to be made.

    Undoing the old beliefs and thoughts or mirror images others and my self thought of me, giving way to new me.

    My outsides have changed little, but the redecorating that is going on inside my head and the way I feel about myself is quite stunning.

    Knowing me from the inside out. 

  • I picked me.

    One of the side affects to being traumatized when you are little is that you can’t rely on anything, it seems that what we see can change at any time, so it leaves you standing on unsettled ground, nothing is for sure and not what you see.

     

    You wait for the change, on guard, but not ready, for you have no way to stop it or change it.  “Ready or not, here I come….”

     

    I awoke with the thought that I don’t trust people to remain the same; I am always waiting on a change, it is my sense of people that they swing hot and cold.

     

    Like a twisting knife, you never are sure what side they will present to you.

     

    The same sick nature was in me, I too never knew what was going to send me into a rage, what seemingly small item would be the last straw, what it took for me to lose control of me.

     

    The more I trust me, the more I gain control over me, the more I am able to calm me down, to respond in ways that match reality, the less the trauma affects have me.

     

    Not trusting others is only half of the affect, not trusting that you can exit that you have a choice to no longer be with a twisting person, leaves you stuck.

     

    So not only are you playing roulette, you can’t duck.

     

    When I learned I didn’t have to be with people who are so confused, so out of control, I was free.

     

    To be free to move and duck to play or not play opens up a whole new world.

     

    I love that changes will still come, but that I don’t have to entertain them.

     

    I select my response to all changes.  I decide how I will respond, it isn’t pre-programmed, and when change comes I get to decide what to do, it isn’t forced upon me.

     

    Being forced to weather changes.

     

    Forced to withstand what ever is assaulted upon you.

     

    Leaves you a prisoner in your own life.

     

    Where you and the jailer are one.

     

    I used to pray and hope and that others would change so I could feel better, yet I never prayed for me to change, not once did I see it was me!

     

    I was the one who allowed her self to be forced; it started as a child and became a way of life.

     

    A forceful way of life.

     

    Forced to be where you don't want to be.

     

    Until I was forced to choose them or me.

     

    Forced to pick one life.

     

    I picked me.

     

  • Living without Me.

    Sitting on the ‘passenger’ side of the car but driving gives you a whole new driving experience and a great metaphor for seeing life from another angle.

     

    What was natural and instinctual is now taking thought; old driving habits are now null and void.

     

    My left hand is now the controller and my right rests on the armrest, it all seems awkward and clumsy, my brain is much more aware of the steps it takes to find a radio station, to shift, adjust the heat, etc where before it was done thoughtlessly.

     

    The driving view from the passenger seat is much different as well; it feels like you are off center.

     

    The left turns seem like you are taking them too wide and the right turns feel like I am turning on a dime, and backing up I look ‘naturally’ over my right shoulder to just encounter the door.

     

    After all the years that I have driven from the middle of the seat, using my left foot on break and gas and my left hand to steer, this still seems way odd, odder than being half way there!

     

    This shows me how instinctual we live and operate, and how we train ourselves to be that way!

     

    It takes time to feel comfortable with change, until we move naturally instinctually and even without thought, until it becomes a new normal.

     

    In my life, I am still acclimating myself to all the different things I now do and many that I no longer take part in, how each new change requires thought and I see the cause and affects inside of me.

     

    Learning to drive myself inside out, thoughtfully and in awareness.

     

    Before I drove my body recklessly to avoid feeling what I felt inside.

    I swerved away from confrontation, avoided questions and thoughtful inquiries, dodged oncoming unhappiness, passed up opportunities, followed passively in religion, parked my own desires and passions, bumped along unknowing myself, a body clearly out of control with a reckless driver.

     

    Isn’t there a traffic violation for reckless endangerment?

     

    I was in danger living without me.

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Four Agreements

    On the inside cover of the book, “The Four Agreements” Companion Book by Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills reads…

     

    BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

    Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

     

    DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

    Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

     

    DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

    Find the courage to ask questions and do express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

     

    ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

    Your best is going to change moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to when you are sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

                    Don Miguel Ruiz

     

     

    I can see that I am a new student of these, sometimes I am able to successfully maneuver myself into a new way, other times I fail and resort to the old reactive way.

     

    What fills me with hope and inspiration is that there is indeed another way to live, to be yourself, and it’s your right to do so.

     

  • Annihilated in a Balloon!

    I could envision my self as a little girl and how she sits holding out her hands in shame again, for in them should be love and all she sees is fear.

     

    Fear and terror are in her hands.

     

    It feels like it is her responsibility to change that over to love, and no matter what she does or how hard she tries, what she tells her self, all that lay in her hands is fear.

     

    She is not good enough; she is unworthy, something is wrong with her, for she can’t get it right.

     

    Shame on you!

     

    I was totally confused and lost in the thoughts that fear and shame were tightly woven within me. 

     

    I was ashamed and in fear.

     

    When I pictured a young girl sitting there with fear in her hands and so shameful that she couldn’t change the feelings, it occurred to me, that ‘my little girl’ didn’t even have pictures in her head to know where the fear came from.

     

    She had feelings but no road map on how they got there.

     

    As thoughts came and went during the day yesterday, it came to me that my father changed my feelings I did not!

     

    A line in a song, “A little girl was waiting for her daddy one day…” came into my mind. 

     

    I was waiting for a daddy and who came was a man who hurt me. 

     

    He changed from being my daddy and so did my daddy feelings.

     

    In its place are bad man feelings and I can’t change them back.

     

    The tragedy is that I had love, trust and faith in my hands, and they quickly disappeared and terror took its place, a sleight of hand, a bad card trick, and I got left holding the terror card.

     

    I left the scene of the crime while the crime was taking place, but my body recorded the changes with feelings.

     

    Now as a little girl when she sees her ‘daddy’ and feels terror and she doesn’t understand why?

     

    Certainly something is so very wrong with her. 

    Shame on you!

     

    My whole body felt such utter relief to know that it wasn’t me who changed my feelings about my father, and it isn’t me that can change them back.

     

    It is up to him.

     

    My feelings will be stuck in fear unless and until he presents to me a man who acts like a dad.

     

    I am not responsible I didn’t do nothing wrong. 

     

    I was just a little girl who was waiting for her daddy that is all.  That is all…

     

    A little girl holding Love in her hands…that is all.

     

    There is no shame in that.

     

    I somehow felt I had to hide my fear; I was ashamed of my feelings.

     

    The near miss encounter with my mother, lunged me back into the feelings I had as a little girl, it brought me back to the feelings I had and still have today.  Nothing has changed within my body.  It is incredible that it registers the same.

     

    It is puzzling, how the feelings are similarly intense for her as with him.

     

    Somehow I felt shamed by her for my feelings I had for him.

     

    Disappointing her, her disproval reigned supreme as my number one thing I didn’t want to do. 

     

    Keeping her dream alive, “a longed for family” a father for her kids, I was guilty of not feeling the dream, yet I tried.

     

    Looking back at my life in this awkward review, I feel my life instead of see it; it was like I lived in a balloon that I carried.

     

    Up in the balloon I could pretend to feel what I didn’t feel.

     

    In the balloon, I lived annihilated from my true feelings.

     

    A life of pretend in a balloon, which never touched my body, for the string that held it away from me was called shame and fear.

     

    In order to get back to my body, I had to travel backwards and feel what I could bear to feel.

     

    That day in that dinner, without a balloon to protect me, I felt the electrical charge of fear wrapped around in a colorful ribbon of shame.

     

    With my big girl awareness and reality’s support, along with a friend named Ann, I felt what I needed to feel, the awkwardness of a child in fear sitting in shame.

     

    Shame is exposing your feelings of fear!

     

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    I had this quilt at the Gallery for sale and I took it back. For as I look at it, you can see  how she has to now live.  In the presence of her family she was made to live removed from her feelings….and if you see it from her view, she had to keep her real feelings away from her self, annihilated in a balloon! 

  • How can you lead your life if you follow?

    When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. 

     ~Victor Frankl

     

    The more dramatic of a change you make, it shows just how far off base you were to begin with, and how far apart you were living from your own truth.

     

    I remember writing, “I was so lost, and that I was going to go find myself, I didn’t know who I was or even that I was missing.”

     

    That is how far off base I was, I literally had no idea who I was or even where to start looking for me, nor how to recognize me in my life.

     

    I had so many ideals and beliefs that I followed that had nothing to do with my own experiences. 

     

    I marvel now at how I lived so lost onto myself, but so found in other’s lives, how I disappeared without another.

     

    When you find yourself unable to move unless it is in tandem with another, there is a great possibility you have lost yourself and you don’t even know you are missing!

     

    What is even scarier is to find the persons you have ridden tandem with are frauds, then what?

     

    I was terrified standing there naked without a life of my own.

     

    Dumped off due to the truth that came crashing in, I was left to reconstruct myself at 46.

     

    It was freeing and terrifying at the same time.

     

    I was finally able to make my own choice, and each and every new one I formed, was a layer of the new me.

     

    Little by little, situation by situation, day by day a new me began to emerge. 

     

    I marvel now at the width and breath of life I lived without being aware that I wasn’t there.

     

    No voice, no feelings, no emotions, no awareness of me.

     

    Incredible to live a life without a self!

     

    You literally can live blind and deaf, for you just simply follow.

     

    How can you lead your life if you follow?