I M Perfect lady

Tag: changes

  • Keep Play Alive!

    I discovered a great truth about myself and my feelings, that I want to own what I feel and it feels worse to have someone try and get me out before my time, I want feel as long as I want to feel.

    My mail route has been a five day a week job, and I found out on Thursday, that it was switching to a six day a week one week and then a five day the next, rotating every other Saturday off.

    I sulked, and I pouted, and felt deep disappointment in losing a day off, and when my boss tried to placate me with false hopes, it made me feel worse not better.

    It then came to me, it is much better to let a person sit in her pity puddle for as long as she likes and when she comes out on her own, she will be ready to face the life change that put her there.

    I felt cheated and manipulated and cajoled to be feeling a false emotion for her sake, but not mine. Me, I wanted to sit and grieve over my loss of a day off.

    And she felt responsible for my sadness and then tried to feed me false hopes of it being an error that perhaps it will change, etc.

    I told her, please just let me get accustomed to my loss, let me be here, I will adjust and acclimate myself in time. I am okay being sad.

    It began to bother me more that they couldn’t accept me being upset. I can now see it is best to honor the feelings and emotions and not try changing them with words.

    Just let them be.

    I can now see how I have mishandled or perhaps over-handled my daughter’s emotions messing around in them and confusing or mixing them up for my ease.

    I love that we have a right to our emotions and we can express them at our own pace.

    Losing a Saturday every other week does make me sad, it is like losing a play date, a recess or free time…I will have to manipulate the rest of my week to make up this time, perhaps giving up cleaning or washing clothes or cooking…sometimes it takes time to find the silver lining.

    Instead of giving up playtime, I will give up more domestic chores…every other week.

    Whatever it takes to keep Play alive!!!

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  • In the Land of Falsehood.

    In David Hawkin’s book “Truth vs Falsehood” he writes,

    “The Reality of Freedom and Happiness.”“Just as all that is destructive has a common source, so do freedom, success, health and peace have a common source, which is that of spiritual truth and integrity.”

    “ Everyone is potentially free to be free. It is merely a matter of choice to follow the pathway to truth to the degree that one can discover it as identifiable, knowable, and confirmable. Instead of envying or hating success, the truly successful imitate it, copy it, identify with it, and develop the patterns. To take responsibility for one’s own actions and their consequences is, it itself, extremely powerful and almost instantly raises one’s calibrated level of consciousness to over 200.”

    Above 200 – Levels of Truth
    Below 200 – Levels of Falsehood

    “An extremely valuable insight that is learned by all spiritually evolved persons in the course of their development is seeing ones own personal consciousness as the decisive influence that determines all that occurs in one’s life.”

    “Another operative principle, whose recognition results in greater aspects for positionalities, is that the mind either consciously or unconsciously tends to manifest that which is held in mind. It is very helpful to see that, in reality chocolate is not the enemy of vanilla but represents only a contrasting option. It is also well to recognize the infantile ego that secretly hides within is extremely needy, constantly hoping for praise and input, and is obsessed with being “right” as well as nursing “wrongs,” “grievances,” injustices and grudges. It takes little reflection to see that the ego gets much energy and benefit from negative postionalities, and that spiritual evolution is accelerated greatly by the willingness to forego these dubious payoffs in return for real gains.”

    Pathway to Freedom and Happiness

    “The steps out of failure, unhappiness, frustration, lack, want, anger, and depression are deceptively simple. Life is a voyage comparable to being out at sea in which a shift of one degree on the ships compass will determine by the end of the trip whether or not one is hundreds of miles off course. The strongest too, which already exists within, is the spiritual will itself, which when firmly set, will face and take on any obstacle. It is this spiritual will that determines the success of the venture. From subjective experience, as well as many years of clinical practice, spiritual education, and research, it is confirmed that the spiritual will is the primordial rudder that determines not only this lifetime but classically termed karma (cal 1,000)”

    “By one simple decision, the impossible becomes possible because the lead sinkers that were attached to the cork have been released and now the cork effortlessly rises because of the density and power of the field. Thus, one can let go of the egoistic illusion that spiritual progress is difficult and that one has to do it all alone. On the contrary, illusions of lack disappear and powerful energies now help to sustain one’s progress, which is now accompanied by the pleasure of increased self esteem, and the world magically begins to appear to be a friendly and helpful place. The brains neurochemistry changes in a positive direction, and like a butterfly out of a cocoon, the etheric brain springs forth as a consequence of the onset of the flow of spiritual (i.e. kundalini) energy, and the experience of life and the self in the world transform.”

    “ It will be discovered that the ego consists of interlocking building blocks and that to move even one unsettles the whole pile which then begins to fall of its own gravity. Even a seemingly small effort can have very major effects, and one discovers that just a simple smile can totally change one’s life. The many thousands of people who follow self-improvement and spiritual pathways confirm the reality of this discovery.”

    “Following is a list of “winner” attitudes, all of which are quite simple to choose and have extremely long-term benefits. Life lived in the energy field of a calibration level over 200 is quite different from life lived from the conscious level of 180.

    Available 265
    Balanced 305
    Benign 225
    Calm 250
    Considerate 295
    Content 255
    Cordial 255
    Dependable 250
    Diligent 210
    Diplomatic 210
    Easy going 210
    Equitable 365
    Ethical 305
    Fair 305
    Faithful 365
    Firm 245
    Flexible 245
    Friendly 280
    Genuine 255
    Glad 335
    Happy 395
    Hard Work 200
    Healthy 360
    Helpful 220
    Honest 200
    Honorable 255
    Humane 260
    Humility 270
    Idealistic 295
    Kind 220
    David Hawkins

    What I found so affirming is that your Spiritual Will is the motivator and that by changing just one little thing, your ship will sail in a new direction, especially over time. And you are the one who can go inside and dig down and find the will you want and by standing by it, life will change.

    The other thing that I love is that just by owing your responsibility and accepting the consequences of your actions you rise to the level of truth. For when you blame anything outside of yourself, it registers Falsehood and is below the level of 200.

    Now, these numbers don’t mean as much as the words or implication of the numbers. That your life will change when you become responsible for it, you will see that your action delivered to you its consequence. So instead of blaming the consequence, get ahead of it by changing the action. The falsehood is that it is someone else responsibility for your happiness.

    And what is wildly exciting and filled with freedom is that it all begins with you. Just as Gandhi stated, “you are the change you are waiting for.”

    What I see is that your own truths when faced in a responsible manner automatically raises your happiness level, while in our heads it seems that it will lower it.

    We believe that if we show our truths, expose the reality of our lives, all hell will break lose, but in fact the opposite happens, heaven appears.

    I didn’t even know there was a number system out there that could calibrate the truth of things, but how curious it is that the higher the number the better you feel or in my case, I headed out and steered my world by feelings.

    I simply stopped doing things that didn’t feel good or that had terrible consequences to me feeling good.

    Some things seem at face value easy to do and harmless, but if you look at how it sits with your integrity it is huge.

    The greater tragedy in this business of Truth vs Falsehood is the application of my old religions tool of ‘blessing away the sins’ when in fact it is removing the truth from our lives.

    I see that religion as preaching falsehood and I know that many within there would be in shock and awe of my blaspheming.

    Yet, it is only when you have been on the receiving end of them disregarding the actions of a pedophile, that you can see the application of this.

    Instead of all preaching and singing halting when a pedophile is in their mix, they stay the party line and bless his sins away.

    How they believe they are heading in the direction of Heaven is beyond me…for it seems that just to arrive at the level of truth you have to take responsibility and their consequences, until then you live in the land of falsehood.

  • My Body, My mind and My Spirit.

    Something magical happens when you are forced, as in my case, to stand without secrets, to be bare unto the world, to have nothing hidden out of sight, when your worst fears and beyond are realized, you are exposed and free.

    I didn’t seem to have a choice, my incest was uncovered the same time that my father was exposed as a pedophile, and yet in the moment of time, while it seemed as if I would die in shame, I sprung forth with a new resolve to live openly and decided I would carry no more secrets in my pocket.

    I would instead own this legacy of abuse and I would live my life fully aware of where I came from and how it formed me into who I was today. I understood all my idiosyncrasies and me perfectly, they were all birthed in abuse.

    Once I accepted that all the mess was from where I grew, I could then begin to grow in ways that were different.

    While you are holding on to secrets, the secrets are holding on to you and you are not free to heal and move beyond them, but once you agree that it is time for you to accept the truth of your roots, you begin changing out of abuse.

    How tragically sad that we can’t share with the world our deepest wounds that unlike cancer it is a shameful disease and while we keep it hidden in the deep pockets of our bodies, our bodies are not free our spirits are not free and we are in a prison of silence.

    Yet we hold the key that unlocks the door of shame. We have to be brave enough to align ourselves with our past’s reality. We have to have the courage to look upon the secrets that our families carry, our legacy that few will speak of but all know.

    The truth is what sets you free…and the willingness to lose all you are, to become someone you have never met, the person you were prior to abuse.

    My body and I have an agreement, we will no longer hide truths, we will speak our feelings always, regardless of the consequences, we have a bond now, a sacred bond, we are one…my body, my mind and my spirit.

  • Body, Mind and Soul

    It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways. ~Buddha

    What I find so interesting about eating, is we don’t eat what the body needs, we put items into it that do not work with the body, but actually against it.

    My backward eating habits reflect my old thoughts and beliefs and now I have to find new eating habits that match my new mindset.

    It is interesting that I use sweet treats as something that makes me feel good, yet the outcome has very little goodness IF any. I feel tired, dragged out, lethargic and my body is oversized from the useless calories I consume.

    There is a separation between how my tongue tastes the food and how it affects my body, like the two parts of me that don’t intersect.

    My head says its good and my mouth likes the taste, but once I swallow all hell breaks loose, my sweet treats wreak havoc once beyond my taste buds.

    The sweets are really saboteurs in disguise and I have programmed myself to discount the affects while enjoying the snack.

    The separation is critical in not linking the culprit and the feelings together, it is keeping the mind and body separated.

    Isn’t it incredible that the mind and body are not aware of each other, and instead of working together; they are fighting with each other, a civil war inside?

    Bikram speaks of bringing the mind back to the body for 20 seconds during each yoga pose. What yoga is teaching me is to pay attention to my body.

    When I eat I am not paying attention to my body, it is like my head is eating alone…until I swallow and then after my head has had its fun, my body then pays the price.

    It is so odd that we can ‘believe’ we are enjoying food that literally isn’t good for us. How is it possible to enjoy something that will cause us harm?

    What will it take to flip this around?

    I can’t seem to care while eating and enjoying the flavors that the affects after are not enjoyable.

    It seems like I am more addicted to the feelings afterward, that my natural state is to be sedative and unfeeling instead of feeling alive and alert and in touch with my feelings.

    We don’t even seem to have the feelings of being full or near full or tasting and appreciating the scents, the taste, the texture, let alone the incredible journey some food has taken to get from plant to table or even seed to plant.

    This is a new frontier for me to become more aware of what I eat, how I eat, when I eat and how I feel during and after eating and how it all impacts my body.

    It is time to stop eating as a head alone and eat with my body, mind and soul.

  • Live in life.

    When I sort mail, I stand in a U shaped area (Case) with six rows of little slots, one slot for each mailbox all in order of my route.

    An apartment complex of 10 was added to the beginning of my route and I had to make room for it by moving every slot about 10 or so inches to the right, starting with the last one.

    It is surprising how small of a shift there was and how it threw my whole memorizing off, all my instincts of knowing are no more, I have to relearn it all again.

    I wonder how long it will take for my mind to become comfortable with this new routine? What an incredible mind that it can relearn and toss out the old obsolete info that it will follow if you are determined.

    My head actually hurt again from having to concentrate and do the hunt and search routine, and by the end of two and half hours it was already catching on.

    The name would appear and I would know which way to turn, it remembered to remember there was a new place to go to.

    The flexibility of the mind is similar to the body, it will follow your lead, and it is much more your desire to learn than its ability.

    You can become comfortable in a new routine, all it take is time and the willingness to try.

    In a week or so, I will be able to almost mindlessly toss mail, and it leads me to wonder, if you are not putting new things into your life, are you almost on Autopilot?

    What keeps you repeating the same things, being comfortable in the rote like life? How is it that we feel most at ease when we are mindlessly following our normal routine?

    It seems so counterintuitive to living to be on remote, just repeating and repeating, it is like we are stuck in a grove in an old Record Album, ‘same life, same life, same life.’

    Isn’t it odd that we call this living feeling the most comfortable with ‘No Change’.

    And can you actually call it living if there is no growth or change?

    Just as my mind was brought to the present with the slight changes in my case, I am sure that by doing new things in other areas of my life, my mind will awaken in the present and engage in a new way.

    Just as I do yoga for my body, I will have to bring my mind to new places to give it exercise too…I am open to the new possibilities.

    I guess it is up to us whether we coast along or look for new ways to live in life.

  • Trajectory of my life.

    Going to sleep last night with tears drying on my cheeks, after feeling the feelings of being a child with no one at your back, to feel the absence of protection of safety, and feeling the feeling of free falling with screams and no landing, I awoke to wondering who has my back now.

    I understood that most of my over dramatic ways is due to the fact that I have been unhealed, and that I have been healing as I walk with my daughter in what I call abuse, and how as I watch others respond, I am again plunged back 45 years and get to see and feel the dynamics of my own childhood.

    The present day actions are bringing forth my unexpressed feelings and giving me the chance to voice them now, letting my little girl say what she needed to say, feel what she needed to feel.

    Yet, my thought as I went to sleep last night, was who has my back now?

    Who is supporting me, who is standing with me and walking my walk?

    Am I living with people who are for me or against me?

    Frightened I felt alone again, almost childlike yet with adult options.

    I can flee; I can go where no one can hurt me.

    Confused about leaving or staying, I fell asleep.

    This morning I began writing and became more confused, so I went to my room with the heater running for yoga, and was hit directly that here, this is the warm caring I need, and then quickly felt that, I am the one I am waiting for.

    I am the one who cares for me, who will bring me to places that I need to be, allow me to speak when I need to speak…

    I am my own mother, I love and care for me.

    I have my back.

    While inside I felt the desperate need of wanting to be cared for, it would actually be relying on others for my needs, wanting them to take care of me, to be a child again.

    Wanting to feel like a child being taken care of is going backwards, reverting to childhood…

    It is my job to heal me, to feel and separate the emotions from childhood and those from today, to not mix my anger towards my mother with my husband, to keep the plays in their own era.

    The degree of separation is huge.

    Knowing that I can set the stage, make my life comfortable, that I am strong enough to watch my own back, and have the courage to speak my words, always, is huge. That I can withstand deep sadness, grief and sorrow, that I can still find my inner balance and core, that I can muddle through until clarity can be found, that I am healing and dealing and being who I am coming from whence I came.

    A woman whose childhood left scars she now has to deal with along with the raising her children, even when they dovetail, and I am asked to flow between child and mother, the wounded and the healer, the caretaker and the needy, I make it, I deal, I survive the ride down the rapids of emotions and character changes.

    What a dance, to be playing all parts, and feeling their psychological damage and or healing, repairing as I go…while growing new emotional strength leaves me exhausted and exhilarated.

    My inner body feels like it has been churned up and shot through with huge holes, bruised and achy in the feelings that run through me.

    I feel inside like I ran back-to-back marathons and carried my daughters and generations with me, that I was solving the puzzles and correcting movements, re-writing my life’s script.

    And in doing so, will change the trajectory of my life.

  • Find Their Own Way…

    The battle of the wills end when you allow the other to have free will, it is pretty hard to fight with freedom.

    The tighter you hold and the more you force, the less the other person can feel and find their own sense of what it is they want to do.

    When I was in the beginning stages of my mental breakdown, my husband and I found a place to stand that left us both in total freedom, a place called “I love you today.”

    In this spot, it allowed each of us to change our minds and to gauge our own feelings about whether we wanted to stay together. This free space to be yourself, to feel that which you feel and to express it daily allowed us the time to re-configure a new normal in our relationship.

    We fell into this spot after weeks and months of feeling the instability each of us had during the most stressful event in our marriage, Me not knowing who I was.

    Pretty hard to promise tomorrow, when today is unknown.

    It felt so much easier to breathe when we embraced the unknown and lived presently with each day and even each moment.

    “I love you today” is an honest and alive relationship and we both promised the other that if and when we didn’t want to be here we would tell the other.

    It isn’t a piece of paper, the ‘happiness’ of our children, or a million other reasons that folks stay together, but instead we individually get to choose if we fit together, if we are happy here, if we enjoy this place, if we are at peace here, if it is a spot for us to grow and change….

    It is like a free-range relationship, where each has the freedom to be who we are, and when who we are no longer works together, we will be brave enough and honest enough to let the other know.

    I just don’t feel then, that we can blame the other; we will always hold the power within us.

    I love you today, and if it changes I will let you know.

    I am thinking this same idea can be used upon our children. Instead of raising children who must remain in our pen (religion, mind set, pathway, etc), where we tell them how to be and grow, that we instead open the gate and let them roam free.

    Let their will be done.

    Let them decide which way to go and how to be.

    It releases both of us to be who it is we were meant to be.

    This reminds me of the paragraph from one of Bryon Katie’s books,

    “I don’t know what is best for me, or you, or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you of convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.”

  • I answer…

    The faint lines between your business and mine oftentimes blur when it contains the life of you my child, when you bring into my life energies that affect me.

    It is crucial to separate and to focus on what is my business and at the same time hand back to you yours.

    While I can’t change your behaviors and don’t want them to change for me, I do want to maintain the integrity of our relationship.

    There has been a breach and I feel it is only right for me to state how it makes me feel.

    It isn’t up to me to change you, but I feel it is only right to state how it will affect the you and me.

    The relationship we had previous didn’t have lies, it didn’t have secrets, it had integrity and character, and I am unsure what this will mean to us in the long run to have this vein running through us, it seems to weaken the us.

    Inside of our relationship you have brought changes that will define our future, changes that I accept or decline.

    What happens if I accept that lying is an okay part of our relationship?

    What happens if secrets are okay?

    Who then do we become?

    Are we not just playacting a good relationship?
    Not only is the relationship with self in jeopardy but each relationship you have, for in every relationship you bring you.

    If you treat your self less, we all feel the less of who you are in our relationship.

    The light goes out, the feelings are dim, and we feel that.

    To me the second part of any relationship is to say what you need to say, to speak how the actions are affecting you, letting the other know how you feel.

    The relationship dance is twofold; no one gets to have more power.

    Each of us owns a set of feelings and a voice, it is up to us to express and share.

    My business is to share my feelings or hide them, to speak up or sit silently, to show her how my feelings are changing.

    She changes and I change.

    We are separated but move in the dance of life together as long as we have a relationship.

    We relate to each other.

    When you do lie I feel lied to.
    When you do something loving, I feel love.

    We are readers of each other, what you give to me I take in its full integrity, I no longer change it, but accept it as it is given.

    Your actions come across to me clearly, I read you like a book, there is no mistaking their meanings, what you are doing is speaking to me loud and clear, I am just echoing back how it feels to be on the receiving end.

    That is my business.

    I tell you how I feel.

    Your lies to me are lies about your self.
    You are trying not to show me who you are.
    I see behind the lies, I watch the actions; the wordy lies fall empty at my feet.

    Our relationship is only as good as the two people in it.

    You bring you and I bring me.

    We dance as one from there.
    You step and I counter step, you speak and I answer…

  • My next move.

    As I walked along these past six years, I only ever had two choices, not three, not four but two, and I could only carry forward one.

    Just one, not two, only one!

    Two would have grown me into a multi personality.

    There would have been two aspects of me, two types of me, two sides of me, a multiple me.

    Each side leading totally different lives sailing between and over boundaries like mixing colored water from glass to glass, until I would have been colored murky, muddy undetectable, where you would not know who is the real me.

    This murky colored water is where I believe I sorted myself out from, I had to re-visit each relationship and see who the real me was.

    To see where I moved from glass to glass not paying attention to how it colored me.

    In each glass I had to see what it required of me to swim there, what side of me shone in that space and what side of me lay in the dark?

    It was literally like running around holding up the old side and the reality side looking for a match, seeing what had integrity that could stand test of truth.

    Time and time again, I was surprised and horrified that most of my life was for the darker side, the side of me that came forth from abuse.

    There was very little in my world that was the real deal.

    Those things left standing are few but precious.

    And it is my belief I will grow from here, gain from here, thrive from here, for I was dying in the murky darkness, unable to know me, find me, see me, be me.

    This personal that lived in the murkiness shone in other’s lives and dimmed in my own.

    Now I am a like a dim light bulb, a faint teeny glow to them, but very colorful and bright inside.

    I see my daughter heading into the murky waters, trying to blend herself in both glasses, trying to appease the truth and the dark, the love and the fear, I see how I lost myself as I watch her go.

    What do I say? Do I tell her to stay out of our glass so she is not confused, so she is just one way to her self?

    What did I need to hear back then?

    What was the key that would have stopped me from losing myself in both worlds?

    Is there a shorter path than what I took?

    A less painful one?

    As she loses her self in like/love she doesn’t see the murky waters swallowing her like quick sand…

    But I do. I see her going in where I just left.

    What I find deeply disturbing about all of this, is that while my mother didn’t seem me slip into the quick sand I do, I see her going deeper and deeper. It seems unfair for me to watch this play out.

    To see the innocence blend with deceit, lies, until all that is left standing is this murky sense of self, this dim light.

    Why do I need to see this?

    What is my lesson yet again?

    To see the power and the lack of control, the submissiveness, the equal partnership between abuser and abusee?

    Is it more right to see two folks dancing in the quagmire?

    Will they save themselves while tossing more dirt upon each other?

    Who will save them from themselves?

    It seems in my murkiness, one day I saw the whole scene, the whole dreadful scene of filth and dirt, the lies and the deceit, is that what flips you out?

    Do you have to go in and swim, taste and feel the darkness; you can’t know it from the shore?

    It is like just curing yourself from cancer and turning around and seeing all you tossed off has landed on your child.

    I am just not sure what my next move is.

    “When in doubt, don’t.” Don’t move, don’t speak, don’t act. Just don’t.
    Again, great Universe this is up to you…let me know my next move.

  • Growing Me.

    There is another word that has screwed up more people than being perfect, and that is being normal.

    What is normal?

    Can you spot a normal person in a lineup?

    Inside of us isn’t there a specifically designed normal for us, one that is specially made by the path that we walked?

    Normal in the dictionary says to conform to the standard.

    What is the standard?

    Who designed the standard in each situation and can the standards change?

    I had to look up standard; it says the level of quality.

    Quality of what?

    How can we know the best quality and isn’t our best the best quality?

    Do we have to measure ourselves against others standards?

    So normal is conforming to standards of quality.

    But who are the quality makers?

    Who decides whether I reached the level called normal?

    To me, this seems like perfect recipe for failing to always be looking outward to the judges of quality for the nod of approval, instead of creating a normal for you.

    It is normal for me to run, from groups that seem to enjoy brainwashing conformity, as a newly freed mind!

    It is normal for me to embrace all things free after being held captive by a mental mind for 40 years.

    Yet is this normal?

    Perhaps I did overshoot the mark and I have landed in a land beyond normal.

    Some feel ‘normal’ in abusive situations for that is all they ever have known, to them that’s normal’.

    That is the only quality or standard they know.

    Maybe it is only when you no longer like that standard or that quality that you strive for a higher level, a new normal for you.

    This new normal for you is personal, societies standards, nor your friends or parents don’t measure it, it is an inside job.

    Inside of you, something tells you that you are ready for a new normal.

    You no longer are comfortable doing that which you have done, and want to raise the standard by which you live.

    You then move to a new normal for you.

    What is normal is conforming to standards you now have.

    I feel we re-set our standards time and time again, the more we learn the more re-setting we do.

    I had previously set standards by my parents, until I saw their standards, and then I began creating my own standards.

    What was normal for me for 46 years was their standard, not mine.

    Now I have a new normal and in this new normal, I reset my standards all the time, they seem to be fluid and life changing.

    There is no mark that I will hit and say “Bingo” I am now stuck at this normal.

    My life and me are normally changing, we are not stuck unchanging like a plastic flower, we are like a real live growing me.

    I love that I am not done growing, for I think that is dead.

    I am a normal growing me.