I M Perfect lady

Tag: choices

  • In the Ditches of Life.

    Promises and commitments seem to only have real power when they are used for self, when they are used for others we become their slave.

    I want my daughter’s decision and commitment to be for her self and not for me, for it to be something she feels obligated to do for her own morals and values, leaving me out of the picture.

    If she were to make choices based on what makes me happy, she has just transferred herself over to me for me to rule.

    Promises and commitments when made for another seem on the surface to be a nice and friendly thing, yet if you look closer, they become silk chains that now keep you dancing for their happiness.

    I do not want my children to live a life that has them chained to my happiness, I want their lives to be driven from the inside out, to do what pleases them and makes them happy.

    Defining their own morals and values, owning their responsibility as individuals, being their own character sets them free to make promises to themselves, commitments they want to live by, that leaves us both free.

    My actions can’t define her and hers can’t define me.

    It is the freedom that is both liberating and scary as hell.

    Letting them go to crash and burn or to grow and become strong and independent.

    Kicking them out of the nest in my head, letting them grow and stretch into their own lives.

    I can no longer catch them when they fall; their falls are much bigger. They have to get back up and travel on.

    I think the threads and ties are for the mother’s benefit, I am thinking that our children are much stronger and more resilient than we believe.

    While there is freedom when the silk apron strings are cut, there is fear that did we teach them all they need to know?

    Are they strong enough to fly?

    Life isn’t lived in a straight line without failures; it looks more like a drunkard path.

    We all will fall, and stumble, make a bad judgment call, fall off the path and go in the ditch to gather a morsel of wisdom, it isn’t the mistakes we make but how we pick ourselves back up.

    We are not born with wisdom we find it in the ditches of life.

  • Learn to catch it.

    I have missed 12 days in the 32 days that have passed of this 60-Day Yoga Challenge, and I have no desire to try and catch up, but to continue on.

    The days I missed were days when I was too emotionally traumatized to even begin to focus on yoga and my body, what I needed to do was find my balance inside, to seek my peace and find where I stood mentally.

    What these past few weeks have shown me is how far I have come, how close our family is, how when one is suffering it affects us all, and it is at that time it is crucial we all maintain our strength so we can help the wounded.

    I heard a woman speak to Oprah yesterday who wrote the book, “Simple Abundance, Sarah BanBreathnach on you can tell how a woman feels inside by how she feels inside her own home.

    It is interesting to know that how at peace you are in your home, how comfortable and what is allowed in your home all represents your state of self inside.

    It came to me in Yoga today, that my mother didn’t have boundaries and our home didn’t have boundaries, she overlooked or failed to see when bad energies stole in.

    And even when informed of them, she didn’t stand up for integrity of home, for inside of her she lacked her own sense of value.

    Sarah also told Oprah that the greatest wound that women suffer is the lack of self-esteem.

    And this self-esteem seems to be the first tragedy of abuse, that it is stolen in the first act and if you fail to tell, you then commit the next act to yourself.

    You continue to give away your self until there is nothing left to give.

    What I was doing for the past few weeks instead of doing yoga, was to find my way through a sea of abuse, wrestling with my emotional wounded self and the woman I had been, to find a new way of dealing when tragedy strikes.

    To not deal emotionally as a wounded child nor even as cold hearted dictator controlling self, but to reach beyond and find a new way to interact.

    By keeping my view on me, what I can and cannot do, what I can and cannot partake in, and speaking about my feelings and my view of reality, I was able to navigate myself into acting much more reasonable and as an adult.

    I was able to witness myself as a loving adult dealing with abuse, and also as a loving adult dealing with abuse and its affects, seeing how my daughter wasn’t able to stop abusing herself, I stood my ground in not taking responsibility for her actions and handing them back.

    The lessons and gifts I have gotten are so multi-faceted and how my daughter was my greatest teacher.

    She now stands alone and separate a young woman who will now set forth and make choices that will define her life.

    It isn’t the mistakes we make but how we walk from that moment on.

    Each day is a new day to begin making a new choice.

    Choices are the only way the soul grows, is another thing that Sarah said.

    I may have to look up this wise woman and read her words.

    Life isn’t about the big stuff, but in each little choice we make, we are either building up our self or giving it away.

    You know Sarah also stated that the givers have to also receive that if you can’t get something back from those you give to they will eventually drain you.

    So, as we give we have to learn how to receive the same energy back.
    Like a boomerang we have to learn to catch it!

  • By each Choice we Make.

    Did you know that brainwashing is when you no longer have the option of choice?

    I witnessed my daughter lose her power of choice.

    She didn’t even know she gave up her choices while she attended only one option.

    The one option became the most important, she was willing to lie to protect that option, she was willing to give up her self for that one option, she lost her self by focusing on one choice.

    It soon had control of her and not her of choice.

    This secret life, the clandestine meetings, the specialness of feeling that only the two of them knew, created the one option.

    This one option wasn’t to be shared.

    It was separated from the world.

    It was ‘special’.

    She lost her other choices for none of them were allowed in the ‘special’ spot.

    The special spot and the man who occupied this site began changing her to fit his spot.

    She had to change to play there.

    She couldn’t bring him into her life; she could only go to his.

    This ‘special man’ didn’t fit into her old life; she had to create a new self to fit in his.

    In doing so, she lost the options.

    She lost the freedom, the flowing back and forth between two lives unchanged.

    She had to become different in both worlds.

    In his world, they had to be quiet, keep it secret, don’t let anyone know what it was they were doing, it was the key that turned the lock.

    This twisted sense of special steals away the person you are and you leave your old life and self behind to fit into this new picture, unknowingly.

    You leave yourself bit by bit by bit, until you are fashioned into this new self and the path back to your old self goes dark.

    What my husband and I had to do was let her make choices, to unlock the frozen part in her brain.

    While his key is secret, our key is freedom.

    He had taken away the choices we gave them all back.

    We had to do the opposite of what had led her down this road.

    She gets to make choices.

    We won’t tell her what to do.

    We open up the space for freedom.

    I share my views.

    I show her how I see things.

    I allow her to see them her way.

    What I love is that we remain our selves and that alone will lead her back to her self.

    She left us to play in a secret land we did not leave her.

    So she gets to decide, does she want to play in the secret land or play in our land.

    Does she want to be the person she needs to be to be ‘special’ with him or does she want to be her old self.

    The freedom we allowed was the key that set her free to begin to once again make choices.

    Choices, they seem so obvious so simple so easy, and yet that is what the perpetrator seizes first.

    You are not given an option to do it any other way.

    Their option is the only one that will keep this relationship going.

    You have no choice but to go along.

    And sadly, usually by this time you have become friends, you have given trusts and faith and love to the individual, and in order to maintain this ‘special’ relationship, IT depends upon your silence.

    Your silence and his creates a cocoon that separates you from your self and the world around you.

    You live in this upside down and backwards ‘other’ land.

    You have to change to fit in there and the changes are so noticeable in your old life.

    You have to lie to leave your old life to go to his.

    You have to lie to your self and overlook how it makes you feel in your old life.

    You come alive in his and die in your own.

    What a tragedy.

    The greatest thing we did was to give her back her choices.
    To allow her to choose what path she wants to strengthen and which one she wants to weaken.

    Her brainwashing was in a very short time and she didn’t play in the secret land too long.

    The longer you are there, the more ingrained the false self gets and the further away the road that leads you back.

    But as far as I can tell, by my experience, is that when I gave myself the option of choice, I was free.

    Free to begin, choice-by-choice, bit-by-bit to recapture life for me.

    The freedom in allowing all in our home to be free is the key that makes this a non-brainwashing home.

    A home of choices, you get to decide which ones you want to make, but make no mistake, each and every choice comes with a consequence, and it is up to you which consequence you choose.

    We create a life and self by each choice we make.

  • Innocent day in the Future.

    I watched a bad day unfold and witnessed the innocent bystander caught up in its throes, and was shocked to see it in slow motion, seeing the day as innocent and the person actually doing the bad day to her self.

    The furnace that she felt was out to get her had actually been complaining that it was having issues.

    For three weeks it failed to keep running at night, so when we arrived at work, the temps were near 40 degrees. She would hit the re-start button and go on with her day.

    Until one day the re-start button failed to re-start.

    It was a bad day.

    Funny how the furnace gets blamed, when it had given early warning and the warnings had gone unheeded.

    A pattern began to emerge as I watched her day, how items came home to roost, items that she had put off for another day, arrived to be dealt with.

    What I seen was how the cycle keeps running and keeps coming back, that troubles don’t go away un attended, they just circle around gathering power until they are big enough for you to see.

    What you call is a bad day, is really the day of reckoning.

    Some people have piles of things that they do not want to pay attention to, a swirling tornado of stuff, and on some days a bunch hit the ground and fly in many directions and they sit there stunned, not making the connection that their non action started this ball rolling.

    Life is asking us to pay attention to be present in each moment to respond now and when we put it off it doesn’t fall off the planet, it just circles around until a later date.

    I could clearly see no one gets away with anything.

    There is a very accurate bookkeeper in charge, nothing slips by or falls off the earth unaccounted for.

    We either resolve what appears or it circles around and comes back later to be resolved, one way or another it will get your attention.

    Oprah puts it this way; first you get a whisper, than a brick falls on your head and then the whole wall. Paying attention to what is going on and dealing with it at that moment will complete the action reaction cycle.

    There will then be no karmic flow of unresolved choices to rain on an innocent day in the future.

  • Choices we make.

    What I want to know is do we all have the same choices and the same mechanism that selects them?

    Is it possible that some of us have choices while others do not?

    What makes some of us change our choices and others continue selecting the same ones over and over like ordering the same thing from the menu of life?

    Is there a moment in time when all the choices we have been selecting seem distasteful and we then meander to another part of the menu?

    What happens to us inside that creates the desire for something new?

    Something changes inside of us, something happens to the mechanism that chooses.

    Looking back with 20/20 vision, I can see how a new truth landed inside of me, demolishing my old choice maker.

    All my old choices seemed useless, inauthentic and utterly distasteful.

    Those choices created an illusion that deflected reality.
    In order to walk hand in hand with the truth of reality I had to change all my choices.

    So, was it that choices were limited before or was the truth limited?

    Was my mechanism broken or designed to create illusion?

    Is it possible that we choose based upon our level of awareness, that the choices are always there, we just are unaware?

    All I can know is that my choices are just as limited now, for I feel akin to sticking with my truths, to being authentic with my feelings, to aligning myself with reality.

    My old options are still available but I have lost the taste for them.

    Guess at the end of the day we all make choices based upon what we know, what we feel and our own inner truths.

    It isn’t that the choices are limited; it is that we limit our choices.

    And each of our lives is reflected of the choices we make.

  • Confines of a Well

    There seems to be two perceptions.

    The Perceptions with choices and the perception of no choices or the perceptions of freedom or the perceptions of limited and no choice.

    And depending upon which land you occupy you will have a life that reflects that.

    I lived in both places. The first being the dark narrow hole of perception that I was frozen in, where I had to do what others wanted of me, where my life was led by the wishes of others, I had no free will of my own.

    We can call it a victim hole, and its perception is very one way, or co-dependent, where the quality of my life depended upon another.

    The perception in that land was very limited and the quality of life was at the mercy of another’s good will.

    It was from that darkness I fell out of onto the land of wide open expanse and freedom, where my strings to others were untied, where I was able to walk freely and express myself freely, where the victim chains that held me in place fell free.

    It was equal to walking out of Plato’s cave or the story in Sogyal Rinpoche’s book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, about the frog who climbed out of the well to see the ocean.

    It is like your constraints and perceptions shatter into a million fragments, where you now have access to an unlimited choice.

    There is no common ground between the two worlds.

    I feel that I lived in a place where my boxes of choices were not available to me.
    It seems incredible to me now that I didn’t have access to my own box of choices that I waited for someone to tell me what to do.

    Imagine the difference of perceptions to having access to your own choices or not.
    Living, as a prisoner in your own life is pure hell, its living in a dark well and not knowing what freedom exists outside.

    So while I agree perceptions are a choice, it is way hard to phantom that inside the well.

    If you disagree that perceptions are a choice perhaps you best look around where you are living and see who holds your box of choices.

    You will either find the freedom of the ocean or the confines of a well.

  • You are What you Love.

    “Don’t just make up your mind, make up your heart” Argisle

    I am reading a book, “You are What you Love” by Vaishali, and it is interesting to read that we have two choices, listening to our minds or listening to our Hearts.

    And what you are listening to you love.

    Page 42, Chapter Ultimate Truth & Ultimate Lies.

    “The ego will always direct us towards the limited outcome just like we trained it to do. These ego-based stories, conclusions, thoughts and beliefs are now charged with the energy of our attention, which makes them the wound in the wave. The use of awareness that makes this impression or mark on the psyche is an incomplete action. In Hinduism and Buddhism, incomplete action, or incomplete cause and effect, is called karma.

    We can visualize the impressions as a kind of karmic map of mind. If we want to know our biggest nastiest karma, just look at what our biggest nastiest belief is about ourselves, about life, about relationships, about others and we’ve hit pay dirt. The ego is a lot like CNN but without commercials. If you watch your mind, your wave, it will parade in front of you all the news you have trained it to program and air over and over and over again, ad nausea.

    There is a relationship between unconscious and accumulating karma, and being conscious and burning off karma. It all depends upon what you are doing with your awareness. Let us approach understanding what happens when we are unconscious as the accumulation of incomplete cause and effects. When we are unconscious, we are not in the present moment, we are not accepting what is from an open Heart. When we are unconscious, we are listening to the ego’s limited, tiny version of reality from the head place. This is not what we came her to do with our will, love, service, and life purpose. It is therefore and incomplete action.

    When we are conscious we are in the present moment with what is from an open Heart. When we are conscious it is the Flame of Pure Awareness, the Heartfelt wisdom from the feeling place within, that observes with gratitude the perfection of every given moment. Since this level of conscious practice is the highest function behind the design and creation of the physical world, it is what we came here to do. It is therefore a complete action. Witnessing what is from the Heart is the conscious action that burns off negative and incomplete karma, which accumulates when we listen to the ego from the head.

    Incomplete action or duality happening within the wave would look like this: I give my attention to thoughts and beliefs about who and what I am; I give my attention to thoughts and beliefs about who others are, what life and relationships are; I understand myself, life, world and value system through the deeply trained habit of seeing everything from the subject/object perspective. This would appear internally as an inner dialogue that sounds like, “I am a successful attorney, superior to the dregs I squash in court. My power is that I command respect and am a force to be reckoned with in the courtroom, even though I respect no one other than myself. I drive a sixty foot long Mercedes and I live in a multi-million dollar mansion, in case you are interested in seeing my value and worth measured against yours. This behavior and these possessions make the appropriate statements about my obvious superiority and importance.” The dialog could run in the reverse direction, “I am a lowly piece of shit that no one could possibly love or respect.”

    With incomplete action, a person’s awareness goes out into the exterior world and touches an object: another person, house, care, whatever. Incomplete action occurs when the awareness coming back to the person tells them that whatever they perceive is exactly what they think and believe it is. No one came her to listen to the ego’s version of reality; that is an incomplete action. In doing so, we re-create a story of duality; another person with so much power and worth, who in turn affects my sense of power and worth. It is all cause and effect: thoughts and beliefs, which re-creates more limitations. It just keeps spiraling downwards until it is out of control.

    Action is incomplete because it is not witnessed by the aspect of mind we recognize as the Flame of Pure Awareness. The action was witnessed instead by the ego, by the disease of duality. So when action is witnessed, by the disease we are here to get over, it fragments the mind. It creates more duality, which in turn drives every known and unknown disease and limitation even deeper into the wave. We’ve created our own personal hell.

    The action needs to be witnessed by the aspect of mind that has the inherent power to return our mind to a state of wholeness, beyond the illusory grasp of duality, which fragments mind into tiny pieces. This action can only occur when we give our awareness to eternal consciousness for solving our eternal problems, without a thought or belief, because that is an action we came to the rock to complete. That is the sole action that makes the Flame of Pure Awareness the senior witnessing force in our lives.

    The action is made complete only when awareness going out into the exterior world touches something, and the awareness coming back to the person is then run through the Flame of Pure Awareness in the Heart, not through the ego-head filter. The Flame of Pure Awareness keeps the person in witnessing mode. Without it, we would fall immediately back into the limitation of what we think and believe life and self are. The Flame of Pure Awareness is beyond duality intelligence, beyond subject/object orientation. It is in unifying, indivisible quality of authentic intelligence, which reveals, recognizes, and realizes the interior through the process of witnessing it in the exterior.

    The Flame of Pure Awareness is the intelligence that sees and gets real about how the mind is organized by witnessing itself reflected back in the medium of the physical world. “This is what Jesus means when he refers to “those who have eyes to see;” those who see not illusion, but rather the movement of realized love, movement of the One everywhere.

    When awareness realizes itself, it is purified, and that is the action we came here to complete. When mind becomes self-realizing the action is complete. The purpose of all created life, the purpose of a physical world is for self-realization. It is to fully realize we are what we love, and we love whatever we are giving our attention to. Once we realize what we are doing with our love, manifesting either Heaven or hell on a moment to moment basis, then the action is complete. The purpose of being here is realized.

    When the mind realizes it is looking at itself, the seeds of karma become purified, or roasted by the Flame of Pure Awareness. Then, no karma sprouts up and grows from this action. The action is complete because we go from what it came here to realize. Karma is repeating whatever you need to, until you get it. In future chapters we will refer to karma of an incomplete action as re-creation. Anything born from a limited intelligence, such as the ego, will only have the capacity to re-create what is already here, which is itself limiting. Only healthy God consciousness is unlimited and can therefore create something new, manifest something from nothing. We all came here to create a new response to ultimate lies, to end the limitations we are all here to get over. Eternal consciousness has the power to create a new response to any old or new problem. The ego on the other hand, can only re-create over and over again. It cannot create something new. It is a limited form of consciousness. What do you want from it? If the ego is providing answers to all of your eternal problems, there is only one possible outcome for you. Look up the word futile in the dictionary, if you have not already guessed what that outcome will be.

    Understand what this whole shootin’ match was created for the convenience of your enlightenment. As God consciousness, as eternal consciousness, if there were a better faster way to reach enlightenment, you’d be doing it. You’d already be there. If you do not understand that everything you are experiencing here is the exact, perfect reflection of the relationship you have with your own mind, then you will be destined to re-creating what you think and what you believe it is. That would be re-creating the limitation you are here to get over. This will continue until you realize that what you are looking at is your own mind, and then choose to move on from that place of truth.”

    Vaishali

  • Peace Inside.

    It occurred to me yesterday, that I was like a ghost who refused to leave the scene of a tragedy, a tragedy that I died in, that I was not aware yet that I was dead, that I was lingering around waiting, not willing face it was over.

    Facebook allows me to have a portal into lives I am not a part of, and they in mine, without fully connecting in a real one on one, face to face, heart to heart, truth to truth, feelings to feelings, actions to actions, a real life body & soul connection.

    We are ghosts in each other’s lives.

    I am sure we can be haunted by these exchanges or we can be inspired.

    It occurred to me, what would happen if I did not have these portals what would I really know about my family, for in reality I don’t have body-to-body interactions?

    It is both a blessing and a curse to have this window into their worlds, I had thought that I was better off than Edna and Thelma, that I had this thread into their worlds, and now I am re-thinking that.

    What is it keeping alive?
    A relationship or the evidence that there isn’t one there?

    I am sure it is as hurtful to them as it is to me, the misunderstanding that cuts deeply each time we see their written words.

    Words online, the ghost connection, with great amounts of energy connected.

    It’s the energy I feel more than the words.

    The energy is alive and electric, cutting and decisive, very much a one-way street, no U-Turns here it screams.

    No one is willing to turn around and make a new choice, not me and not them.

    Our streets are running parallel but disconnected.

    A cement wall running between us broken now and again with facebook, a portal opens and we can see what the other is doing.

    Two roads.

    One road traveled by many, one road traveled by few.

    How can I know what it feels like to travel their road, I can’t. I can only write about mine.

    My road is leaving a family of dysfunction.
    Their road is traveling with family.

    Each of us took the road our hearts and souls directed.

    They say I chose this road, but the road chose me.

    A road that began as a very little girl…

    This road I am on was not an option then, but it was offered to me on December 4th.

    Something within me came alive, aware and alert; a voice of truth woke up.

    It spoke and I followed.

    The Universe and I walk this road, the road back to my true self.

    I am sorry we can’t agree, but it can’t be so, you can’t win the world and gain a soul.

    I know to the depth of my being you all can’t see and understand my walking, that what I say is hurtful and it is not intended to be, that my blog say things that don’t feel good, but guess what, the truth first hurt me.

    It hurt me to know what I had to know, to see what I had to see, to feel what I had to feel, yet in doing so it put me on the road to my soul.

    The soul of me, the spirit of my little girl is alive and well within me…even though this road is hard and misunderstood, it is the only road for me.

    I hope your road fills your soul, makes you dance and shine, gives you life and feeds your passion, that you are walking hand and hand with your truth. There is nothing more I can want for you is for you to be at Peace inside.

  • Stand Up!

    Yesterday Oprah had the second part with the 200 men who stood up against abuse, I have only seen small segments on her website, but the few I seen offered this, “Standing UP against abuse”.

    Standing up and speaking up with courage, releases the shame, the blame and the rage that live in silence.

    Standing up is not a victim stance.

    Standing up takes courage.

    Standing in the truth of your life and your life experiences, standing and speaking of the deeds of evil you survived as a child, the mixed messages, the bad definitions, the path it set you upon, all stop when you stand up.

    You then pick your own path.

    A path free of abuse.

    I believe to the depth of my soul, you either are sitting down with abusers and letting the legacy continue, OR you are standing up and speaking out and walking away from the abuse.

    It takes courage to stand up, but standing up is the only thing that will stop abuse.

    Sitting and remaining in relationships where the abuse lives is sitting down in abuse.

    I Stand UP!

    I applaud these strong men and the courage it takes to stand up and I am standing with you!

    It will change your whole life, from being a victim to becoming a survivor.

    Standing up and speaking is the only way to end this.

    It is never too late to stand up!

  • Change will Happen!

    If you are not trying to change, you do not have any choices to make, you just keep repeating what you have been doing, there will be no inner struggle, no wondering or thinking, no stressing about how you will handle each new moment that arrives, where you will again be asked to make a choice, differently.

    If you don’t make a new choice you remain unchanged, and if you do make a new choice you will be changed, but grow further and further from your old familiar ways.

    Not changing is easy; it is mindless and falls effortlessly within your life, like smoke seeping into each minute.

    Change is like breathing new air into each choice we are asked to make daily, the small and the large, the complicated and the simple, each little decision has to be dealt with as a if you were a new arrival on earth, yet with the magnetic draw of a long held pattern.

    To jump the track of an old pattern isn’t as easy as one suspects and you will not know until you are actually the one doing the heavy lifting.

    Heavy lifting is doing the opposite of what you are used to, the complete and total opposite is required in order to change.
    You can’t change your life by doing nothing different, by not affecting your world and each relationship in it, the only way to change is to allow waves of new you flow into everything in your life.

    Since you are the common denominator in your world and with all whom you spend time with, if you change, all will feel the ripple affect.

    If there is no ripple, you haven’t changed.

    In the book, “Tattoos on the Heart” by Gregory Boyle, he is speaking to a gang member who is asking “How many homies have you buried…you know, killed because of gangbanging?
    “Seventy-five, son,” (this was some years ago. If he asked today, it would be more than twice that number.)

    “Damn, G, seventy-five?” He shakes his head in disbelief, his voice a bare hush now. “I mean, damn…when’s it gonna end?”

    I reach down to Omar and go to shake his hand. We connect and I pull him to his feet. I hold his hand with both of mine and zero in on his eyes.

    “Mijo, it will end,” I say, “the minute…you decide.”

    The moistening of his eyes surprises me. He grabs my hands in his.

    “Well,” he says, “then, I decide.”

    “Omar,” I tell him, “it has always been as simple as that.”

    “How many things have to happen to you,” Robert Frost writes, “before something occurs to you?”

    Change awaits us. What is decisive is our deciding.
    Gregory Boyle

    When you decide, change will happen!