I M Perfect lady

Tag: control

  • Pedals of his Life.

    What a great visual for co-dependency to see a person peddling a bike pulling a trailer with someone sharing the seat, but dragging their feet, a third person giving orders as where and when to stop.

    The life of a people pleaser perfectly depicted.

    While I have been working on removing the trailer and kicking off the people, they are finding it difficult to know how to walk or manage their own lives, that life isn’t done by telling someone else to get you there.

    They have a right to be mad when I suddenly decide to ride solo, to unhitch their lives.

    My son has been riding on and off, there are many things he does without my assistance, however, I have also let him ride longer than necessary for simple things.

    They are little things, little boy things that he now as a young man can take over; it is time for him and I to let the little boy go.

    As a mother you have to know when to get rid of the wagon.

    Some worry about the empty nest, I worry about a full wagon.

    Resentment grows when you allow them to ride longer than needed, when you get used to doing for them, and forget to allow them to do for themselves. Resenting my own lack of removing his chores from my life.

    What I am experiencing is his weakness in places I carried him, and how it is hard for him as he learns to take control of his own life, and the consequences in failing to do so.

    It is hard to know when to let them ride and when to kick them off, but I am thinking we under estimate their power.

    And the lightness of my load is hard to explain, it is like coasting down a hill feet off the pedals, at least the pedals of his life!

  • Who has Control?

    My expectations of the New Year aren’t about the New Year but rather about me.

    The New Year is neutral, a pile of days linked together, and many hours in which we live our lives.

    What we do within those hours is how our year will unfold, or more importantly how we will emerge on the other end.

    I went back on my blog and read some of my entries in January 2010, the beginning of my first 60-day Yoga challenge.

    It was incredible to read about the beginnings of my year doing yoga.

    Below is a section I quoted from Bikram’s book, and it shows the reality of what we are up against when we strive to make changes in our lives, what we are battling is gaining control over the mind.

    “Without control of mind, you can do nothing. You have something, but you don’t know how to use it. The greatest challenge we face as human beings is controlling and properly using our own minds.

    The mind is the communications system between the physical body and the Soul or Spirit; its primary responsibilities are to control the body and supply the Spirit with immediate and exact information. When the mind instead gives distracted and wrong information, the Spirit cannot govern properly – in fact, it cannot assume control at all. The ego-driven mind has had to rule for itself, and now it does not want to give up its ultimate authority over your life. This is a bitter, perverse fact about human beings, but it is the truth.

    Without proper training, the mind will continue to give you the wrong information and divert your focus from your Spiritual goals. The way it does that so successfully is with fear and desire – its primary weapons. Like a drug dealer, the mind gets addicted to these two opposite but conjoined emotions, and when we are constantly reacting to our attractions and aversions to people, things and situations, we can’t see what really is and reopen the channels of our true Self, the Spirit. That’s why I say that the mind has become our worst enemy.

    To overcome this will not be easy. The weak mind is ever growing, constantly feeding on your fears and negative habits. And as my Guru taught me, the natural human attraction to something negative is NINE TIMES more powerful than our gravitational pull to toward the positive- another inconvenient fact.”
    Bikram

    So if you are endeavoring to make changes in your life this upcoming year, please take note, that what you will be going against is a very powerful pull, 9 times stronger than your thought of change.

    Say your desire is to stop eating sweets; you will have the power to eat sweets 9 times stronger.

    And if your desire is to exercise or do yoga each day, you will be fighting a powerful pull 9 times stronger to stay in bed, lay on the couch, and do nothing.

    What I am most impressed with as I look back upon my year of doing yoga (332 out of the 365) is the sheer effort was exerted in getting to the mat.
    Even though the actual 90 minutes of yoga is rough, it is nothing compared to the struggle to begin.

    The real battle is not in the actual doing; it is in the seconds or minutes prior to the event.

    The fight ensues in the actual debate about whether you are going to abstain or succumb.

    To do or not to do is the where the war is fought.

    It isn’t about the sweets, the beer or the exercise; it is about the seconds of power right before, the space before doing or not doing.

    It is on that edge of time, that second where your life is determined, who has control?

  • All or None Religion.

    My mothering skills have huge pockets of All or Nothing options, accented with control and responsibility that is overly dramatic and leaves me with little options to manuver through issues that I find are out of my control. 

     

    While talking to my brother I was trying to figure out how this ‘all-or-none” works within dysfunction, like what how is it applied and why?

     

    How was I taught this and why do I still use that as my “go to tool” in conflict resolutions.

     

    Charles Whitfield in his book, “Healing the Child Within”, writes.

     

    “This is the ego defense that therapists call splitting. When we think or act this way, we do so at either one extreme or the other. For example, either we love something or we hate them.  There is no middle ground. We see the people around us either good or bad, and not the composite they really are.  We judge ourselves equally as harshly.  The more we use the all-or-nothing thinking, the more it opens us up to behaving in an all or nothing fashion.  Both of the actions tend to get us into trouble and to cause us to suffer unnecessarily.

     

    We may be attracted to others who think and behave in an all-or-none fashion.  But being around this kind of person tends to result in more trouble and suffering for us.

     

    Table 3 lists types of parental conditions associated with dynamics of AcoA’s, and adult children from other dysfunctional families.  While all-or-none thinking can occur in any of these parental conditions, it occurs especially often among fundamentalist religious parents. They are often rigid, punitive, judgmental, and perfectionists.  They are often in a shame-based system, which attempts to cover over and even destroy the True Self.

     

    All-or-nothing thinking is similar to active alcoholism, other chemical dependency, co-dependency or other active addictions and attachments, in that it sharply and unrealistically limits our possibilities and choices.  To be so limited makes us feel constricted and we are unable to be creative and to grow in our day-to-day lives. 

     

    In recovery, we begin to learn that most things in our life, including our recovery, are not all-or-none, not either-or.  Rather, they are both-and.  They have shades of gray, they are somewhere in the middle of a 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7 and not either a 0 or a 10.” 

    Charles Whitfield.

     

    I am beginning to see how it is applied and why.

     

    It limits the possibilities and choices and covers up our true self. 

     

    That feels right. 

     

    Yet it feels dreadful that is what I am doing to my children, when I offer the all-or-none attitude.

     

    While all-or-none seems to be easy and cut and dried, it actually reduces the choices so small, it leaves little room for both-and.

     

    I than fail to see my child as good and bad, or energetic and lazy, that they swing and sway to both sides, depending upon what needs to be done.

     

    I write them off quickly, too quickly when my reality becomes overwhelming to me, when my fears rush in that I am being abused again by their lack of caring for my home, their dishes etc.

     

    This ideology is the corner stone of my being a huge foundation that I leaned upon and lived from.

     

    It is so much easier to manipulate others from there.  Manipulating others is a scary premise to raise children.  Manipulating them for my benefit…Instead of finding solutions with multiple choices. 

     

    I lived by the hard and fast rule, do it my way or leave.

     

    Or its cousin, do it my way or I leave.

     

    Each and every time I feel overwhelmed or out of control, I want to bring this dogma back into my world, to wield the cumbersome sword and dictate to clear my world of riff raff and true selves begging to be heard.

     

    It is so hard to wrestle yourself free from the ties that bind this to my way of thinking, to be open to others ideas and solutions, to bring them in and see if this is just my problem or a family problem.

     

    I will ride the mower with this thought, “attempts to cover up or even destroy the true self.”  And sadly we both suffer, no true self remains standing in the all-or-none religion.

     

     

  • Love and control only me!

    I have had a lot of changes in the past five and a half years, and all of them have been perception changes, changes that had nothing to do with the other person, in fact I have changed no one, nor do I want to.

     

    While my life has changed dramatically, those who I now see differently didn’t change, I just changed the way I look at them.

     

    I am not certain if this makes sense to anyone but me, but it so wonderful to know that our job isn’t about doing work on other people, bending and twisting them into something that will make our lives better and then us better.

     

    We can make us better without any help from anyone; it is a one-person job.  You do it alone.

     

    Most of the work was done on looking at others in their reality, and then deciding upon if I wanted to participate in their lives.

     

    Giving myself the option to go in or get out, freed me in ways that’s unimaginable. 

     

    My reality went from needing others to do this and to do that, to wanting them this way and then that way, I was forever sitting down waiting for them to change, to be better, grow kinder and for sure see me waiting.  Always sitting helpless and hopeless and stuck on one level waiting, it was like they had the controls to my elevator!

     

    They controlled me until I realized I had a choice.

     

    Most will not take the choice when it is a parent or family member that has been at the controls of your elevator. 

     

    Somehow it seems less scary to ride along out of control, than it is to take control back from your parent.

     

    We believe that the mother/father whose hands are on the controls, love and control us.

     

    Now the words love and control going together seems way wrong. 

     

    What happened to the “if you love something, set it free…” quote.

     

    The most loving thing I did for myself was to learn how to control my own self.

     

    I was like a remote control toy finding out I could control myself.

     

    Imagine living a life where others controlled you to living a life where you controlled your self?

     

    The difference is so vast, and all that happened was I took over controlling this unit.

     

    Love and control only me!

     

     

     

  • Ultimately you are the one in control.

    In “Reinventing The Body and Resurrecting The Soul, Deepak has a chapter called, In Your Life: Creating Your Own Epiphany.  Here is part of it. It is long but very interesting to read.

     

    “ It’s unfortunate that the word epiphany is limited to a religious context.  People assume that epiphanies are about God and occur only to saints.  An epiphany is really a mini-breakthrough.  One piece of conditioning is shattered.  Instead of being a victim of a rigid belief, you feel released.  What causes such a mini-breakthrough?  You have to shift your attention to the soul, because that is the aspect of yourself that is not conditioned.  The soul represents higher awareness in that sense- it is free from all conditioning.  Or, to put it the most simply, the soul never says no.  Anything is possible.  Whatever can be imagined comes true.  If you can keep your attention on your soul, you will experience an epiphany every day.  Instead of no you will experience unlimited yes.

     

    To get beyond the power of no is crucially important.  No is very convincing.  People reject all kinds of experiences because they believe it’s right to reject.  They oppose because they can’t bring themselves not to.  The spell of no holds them so strongly that little else matters.  Some concrete example will help here, then we will see how each one can be reversed.

     

    Getting past no.

     

    ·     You must break the spell when your mind:

    ·     Tells you that people can’t change

    ·     Keeps you trapped in rigid habits

    ·     Traps the mind in obsessive thoughts

    ·     Creates craving that cannot be appeased

    ·     Puts up fear as a threat if you try to break free

    ·     Forbids you to have certain thoughts

    ·     Makes natural urges seem illicit or dangerous

     

    It takes mini-breakthroughs to get past the power of no because there is so much negativity to overcome in so many areas. But in each area the same principal holds:  to make life easier, you need to stop doing whatever it is your doing. I know this sounds terribly general, but in reality if you were doing the right thing, you would be in contact with your soul already, and your life would be unfolding day by day, on the principal of yes.  So you have to stop what your doing and shake things up. 

    Now let’s look at the specific areas where the power of no needs to be dislodged.

     

    Negative belief #3:  Obsessive thoughts are in control.  Most people don’t think they are obsessive. They identify obsessions with mental disorders, when in fact an obsessive-compulsive disorder is just an extreme variation on a universal condition.  Obsessions are yet another way that the power of no removes your ability to choose.  At any given moment you might obsess about keeping safe, avoiding germs, getting angry in traffic, spending money, disciplining your children, defeating terrorism- the possibilities are endless and ever-changing.  You can’t assume that a thought becomes an obsession only if it’s immoral, wrong or irrational.  One can obsess about things that society approves of and rewards.  We all know people who obsess about winning, or getting back at those who wrong them, or money, or ambition. By definition, an obsessive thought is one that’s stronger than you are.  That’s where the power of no does its damage.

     

    From the soul’s perspective, thinking is an expression of freedom.  The mind isn’t compelled to prefer one thought over another.  Much less is the mind a machine programmed to repeat the same message over and over.  What keeps us trapped in repetition is the belief that “I must think this way.”  Other alternatives are closed off by fear, prejudice, self-interest, and guilt.  To break out of obsessive thinking, you must examine this deeper level where “I must” holds sway.

     

    ·     Don’t struggle against thoughts that keep repeating themselves.

    ·     When people tell you that you keep doing the same thing, believe them.

    ·     Don’t accept that always winning, always being number one, or always doing anything is productive.

    ·     Don’t pride yourself on consistency for consistency sake.

    ·     If you feel trapped by an obsession, ask yourself what  your afraid of.  Repetition is a mask for anxiety.

    ·     Stop rationalizing.  Put your attention on how your thoughts feel, not what they say.

    ·     Be honest about the frustration you feel with have the same idea over and over.

    ·     Don’t defend your prejudices

    ·     Take active steps to reduce stress, which is the major cause of obsessions.  Under stress, the mind keeps repeating the same thing because it isn’t relaxed or open enough to find an alternative.

    ·     Through meditation, seek the level of your mind that isn’t obsessed, that has no fixed ideas.

     

    Negative belief #4 Cravings can never be appeased. 

    When cravings keep returning, they force you either to give in or resist (the futility of this struggle was touch on earlier) The power of no insists that you have no alternative.  Once again, a repetitive pattern imprinted on the brain overrides free choice.  Your craving takes on a life of its own, and if taken to extremes, it becomes an addiction.  The difference has to do with just how limited you become.  Someone who craves chocolate can’t resist eating some, but if addicted, they would eat nothing else.  Even in its milder forms, however, craving can make you feel that you have no other choice.

    From the soul’s perspective, a craving is another example of a shortcut imprinted on the brain.  The person who always eats chocolate has made an implicit choice that chocolate is the best kind of sweet, and therefore, instead of his bothering every time to consider a variety of sweets, he chooses chocolate automatically. But setting your mind on autopilot doesn’t mean that you can’t change it.  The option to reset your reactions always exists.  Under the spell of no, you willingly gave up that option, but anything you give up you can also reclaim.

     

    ·     When a craving arises, don’t make it an either/or choice.

    ·     Instead of either giving in or resisting, do one of the following:  walk away, postpone your choice, find a distraction, pause and watch yourself, or substitute another pleasure.

    ·     Don’t’ think of defeating your craving. Think instead that you are gradually erasing an imprint.

    ·     When you feel discouraged for giving in, be with your feelings instead of pushing them away.

    ·     Realize why appeasing a craving never works: you can never get enough of what you didn’t want in the first place.

    ·     Find out what you really want, whether it’s love, comfort, approval, or security. These are the basic needs that cravings try to substitute for.

    ·     Pursue your real need. If you do, the craving will automatically lose its grip and in time will vanish.

    ·     If for any reason you can turn away from your old craving, seize the moment, even if your craving soon returns.  Every small victory imprints your brain in a new pattern.  Don’t see this as a temporary victory – see it as a sign that you can find the switch that turns your craving off.

     

    Negative Belief #5: Fear keeps you from being free.

    The power of no uses fear as its enforcer.  Like a hired gun, it holds a threat that is merciless and indifferent.  Under the spell of no, the mind finds any and every reason to be afraid.  The simplest things become objects of anxiety.  The most unlikely risks loom as dangers that can befall you at any moment.  When you find yourself in a defensive posture, you have denied yourself the most basic freedom, which is to be safe in the world.  It’s not the external threat that creates this situation.  We project our fixed beliefs onto every situation, so feeling safe or unsafe becomes a personal decision.

     

    From the soul’s perspective, you are always safe.  The universe cherishes your existence.  Nature is designed to uphold your well-being.  If you find yourself under threat, it can be quite realistic to assess the danger and escape it.  But if you are paralyzed by anxiety, the threat becomes inescapable.  Some one with fear of heights, for example, finds it impossible to climb a stepladder.  The danger of falling doesn’t prevent other people from climbing the ladder, because they are free to access that the risks are small.  But a phobia takes away the freedom to access danger realistically; fear acquires absolute power, the power of no.  To get beyond a phobia, you must call its bluff and reassert that you are safe.

    ·     Don’t fight your fears when you are actually afraid.

    ·     When you feel calm and safe, call your fear to mind so that it can be examined.

    ·     Fear is convincing, but that doesn’t make it right.  Make sure you can see this distinction.

    ·     Anxiety tends to obsess about reasons to be afraid, stoking its own fire. Don’t be fooled by repetition.  A situation doesn’t become dangerous just because you keep thinking it is.

    ·     Separate the energy of fear from the content of your experience.  Instead of worrying about the thing that makes you anxious, go directly to the feeling of anxiety and move the energy as you would any other, through physical release, toning, meditation, and other techniques.

    ·     Realize that you are not basically afraid.  Fear is a passing emotion that can be released.

    ·     Know that you have a choice to either hold on to fear or let it go.  If you feel anxious, take immediate steps to let go. Don’t dwell on fear or try to reason with it.

    ·     Avoid blaming yourself.  Fear is universal.  It is felt by the bravest strongest people.  To be afraid doesn’t mean you are weak.  It means you haven’t yet let go.

    ·     Be patient with yourself. Fear and anxiety are the biggest obstacles for everyone. Be thankful and congratulate yourself every time you overcome fear.

    ·     Don’t consider it a defeat if fear returns. The time will soon come when you can sit calmly and move the energy of fear.  Ultimately you are the one in control.

    Deepak Chopra