I M Perfect lady

Tag: fear

  • I refuse to call it love when I feel fear.

    Don't pretend to be what you are not, don't refuse to be what you are. Nisagradatta Maharaj

     

    This seems so easy, like a very honorable and authentic way to be, and why would you want to do you differently?

     

    “Don’t pretend to be what you are not”.  What does that mean?

     

    To me it means to be what you feel, but what happens if you feel frightened of family, then what.

     

    It is an odd place to be in, where others feel comfortable and at home with family, I am uneasy, and feel shaky inside.

     

    And I have the key to stop the fear, to tame the beast called family.  I lie.

     

    I pretend to be what I am not, and then they will not holler at me, say mean things, and pretend to be happy with me.

     

    Does this make sense to you?

     

    If I pretend to go along with the flow of abuse and abusers, if I just quietly get back in line, they will all recede and go back to a false normal.

     

    I become a false me which allows them to be a false them.

    They can then pretend to be interested in me and I can pretend that I agree with them.

     

    We will be a pretend family, pretending to be comfortable with each other.

     

    How often in the past I pretended to go along, while inside I was in total disagreement?  How often did I toss aside who I was and pretended to agree?  Endlessly.

     

    My mother demanded her way or she would scorn her disproval, and we would get left feeling less than.

     

    I didn’t realize how much her way has influenced me in being a people pleaser and how hard it is to face the scorn and the withdrawal of love.

     

    Perhaps the withdrawal of love hurts more.

     

    I have heard rumors that I have two brothers in town, who came up for hunting, and it feels me with dread to happen upon them.

     

    It seems that life requires me to dip back into the waters of that family time and time again.

     

    “Time heals all wounds” is a downright lie.  The wounds in our relationship between sister and brother or sister and sister don’t heal with time.

     

    They are not healed magically after almost 5 years of absence, and my body and soul don’t forget their last words or their actions, it trembles when we face them yet again.

     

    I wonder about that?  I wonder what that means about me?

    Mostly I wonder if I will always respond to them that way?

     

    Wouldn’t it be worse to not tremble?

     

    Shouldn’t my body respond in kind when facing them?  Is it the correct response to someone bringing bad energy?

    It makes me feel better knowing that my body, reality and my knowing are all in agreement.  These folks are not coming to me bringing kindness and love.

     

    Even though it hurts to know that they want to harm me, it makes me feel better to stand firm with the sensations of my body.

     

    Byron Katie in her book “Loving What Is,” speaks of ‘something in me tends to move away from you’.   It is like we are being steered away and we move in agreement.

     

    This is how I feel, but another part of me is apologetic for being repelled by them.

     

    My body and its warning system haven’t failed me yet.

    I have failed it.

     

    I failed to notice its warning lights.

    I failed to move away, to steer clear of bad energy and I caused my body disease.

     

    Now that I have corrected the readings and adjusted or I am attuned to its perfection, I refuse to be what I am not.

     

    I refuse to call it love when I feel fear.

     

  • A Big Bubble of Me.

    The word LOVE brings with it such energy and Light, it brightens up spaces and brings wholeness where before less than appeared.

     

    People walk around feeling so defeated, if they don’t HAVE love.

     

    Like Love is an object we can go and pluck out of a store, search and find like a hidden treasure, it remains outside of us, and we hunt like predators to capture it.

     

    It steals our peace, and keeps us running in anxiety for fear that without it we will not be whole.

     

    This love is like a devil to those who need it, it becomes a drug that we can’t live without, and will do anything to anyone to get it.

     

    My brother is sitting with the ‘love’ our parents gave us. 

    In our hands we look down devastated, for what we see surely isn’t love.

     

    How is this possible?

    How did we receive such a messed up version of love?
    Is it even a fragrance of love, does it hold a hint of love?

    What is this we received from our parents?

    What did we go forth and replicate?

     

    The love we received was not love.

    It is the opposite.

     

    I have read numerous times that there are only two ways of living or Being.  In Fear or in Love, those are the only two choices.

     

    In my childhood love, fear ran rampant.  Fear of them not liking you, that you were not good enough, that they would leave you, a very clutching manipulating demanding love.

     

    It wasn’t free.

    You weren’t free.

     

    The love of my childhood, the love that I replicated in my own home with my own children was that they had to do this or be that, and I would love them more.

     

    I focused on their behavior and how it impacted me, but I didn’t focus on how their behavior impacted THEM.

     

    Now I have given them back them selves.  I am no longer interested in owning them for my happiness.  It seems vulgar and twisted.  Like my children’s only role was to live to make me happy.

     

    I will be a better mom if you are a better kid! I will be a happier mom, a nicer mom, a this mom and a that mom, DEPENDING upon your behavior!

     

    It left me irresponsible for my own happiness.  It left me powerless.

     

    But what was even more important it had them looking away from themselves to only focus on me.

     

    Their lives were for me.

     

    Not only was I powerless, they too became powerless in their own worlds.  A house full of powerless dependent people!

     

    It was when I unplugged them all that we each became free.

     

    I recall the conversations I had with each of my children, how I was telling them that from now on, their only job in this house was to do them selves.  That they and they alone were responsible for what they did or didn’t do.  I fired them from making me a better mother.

     

    As I fired them, I hired me.  I hired myself to be myself.  I hired myself to be a mother.  And I recall telling them that as their mother I was only going to be the consequence lady.

     

    That was my one job as a mother.  That every action has a consequence and it is up to me to figure out that consequence.

     

    To their benefit they were both excited and fearful.  For no more wasted words would fly out of my mouth. 

     

    In fact it still pops up where I forget my role as consequence lady, and I focus more on their behavior than mine.  When I feel out of control, it is usually me.  I am forgetting my control.

     

    When I gave them the responsibility of their lives, I got mine.

     

    It was a great independence day in our home.

    Where 6 individuals were born.

    We all claimed our own worlds.

    We all can shine as one person, separated and free to be who ever it is we are to be.

     

    Sure there are common house rules, but for the most part I celebrate each child doing themselves alone.

     

    My youngest is still clutching on to being irresponsible, and as parents our role is to keep placing the responsibility of his life in his hands.

     

    In as much as we love freedom, we are more afraid to be free.

     

    Free means no one to blame when we are unhappy.

     

    Our whole lives are free for us to express or be or do as we feel, and no one stands in the way of us living our greatest life, but ourselves.

     

    Once we stop searching outside for love, when we know that it isn’t their job to bring us love, or peace or joy, we can begin doing this for ourselves.

     

    Learning one step at a time to be independent.

     

    A separated soul, a free spirit!

     

    What can another bring to a free spirit?

    What does a free spirit need?

     

    I love that I am one self- contained unit of one.

     

    I walk around a big bubble of me.

     

     I M perfect Dance!

     

     

     

  • Control of our Selves.

    FEAR;

    -feeling of anxiety: an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.- frightening thought: an idea, thought, or other entity that causes feelings of fear- reverence: respect or awe for somebody or something.

    TERROR;

     

    the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.
    2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
    3. a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government

     

    My brother and I had a discussion on whether he should have to do something that he fears or is the fear a way of telling him, not to continue.

     

    There seems to be two kinds of fears, one where there is danger and the other that has you feeling as if danger is present.

     

    I remember reading Fear is False Events Appearing Real.

     

    How do you know if your body’s signaling a false event or a real threat?  Is it possible that our bodies are protecting us falsely?

     

    Are there fears that you should not attempt to conquer and are there fears that keep you feeling less empowered and they should be faced, and how can you discern what is what?

     

    Feelings of terror seem to be fear and submission or being coerced to do something you don’t want to do.

     

    That is interesting, being forced to do something you don’t want to do.

     

    Isn’t that the nuts and bolts of being abused, especially sexually?  Would it then make sense that our ‘terror’ button has been activated at a very young age? 

     

    Now even as a big adult, when we get into situations we can’t control, we feel the imbalance and fear arises, and our terror button goes into overdrive.

     

    Due to the fact of undeniable trauma in early childhood we have an unreasonable relationship with fear and terror.  We bring into each new experience the unfounded terror or maybe misplaced fear.

     

    What is unfounded terror? What is misplaced fear?

    Or maybe what is more real is that our perceptions have us believing we will lose our power and control.

     

    It is very terrifying to be placed in a spot where you have no power.

     

    What does that mean to be powerless?  Does that mean controlling others and all situations?  Is that possible?

     

    What is the difference between surrender and submission?

     

    Submission; The act of submitting to the power of another.

     

    Surrender; To give up in favor of another. 3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right. 4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope. 5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.

     

    It seems that submission is giving your power to another.

    Surrender is to give up in favor of another, to surrender all hope stands out to me.   What comes to mind is Martha Beck’s quote, “Forgiveness is accepting that the past will not change.”

     

    I surrendered to the past, I did not become submissive and a let the past have power over me.

     

    There seems to be a fear and terror that rules my brother, that stands in front of realities that appear harmless, yet to him feel harmful.

     

    How can you correct or right yourself if you have terror of ‘normal’ things and then not fear what most do?

     

    Is it possible to be a victim with power?

    That seems like an oxymoron.

     

    Either you have power or you become victim to situations that you fear.

     

    What came to mind is how women become prostitutes.  It seems that we will control ourselves to be controlled.

     

    Does that make sense to anyone but me?

     

    It is like talking yourself into be powerless and being ok or powerful in the mode of powerless.

     

    Do you all recall seeing the faces of the women in the Religious Cult, and how they stated, “we are free to leave, but we choose not to.”

     

    Who but themselves believe that? 

     

    I recall feeling so shaky and inept to take the wheel of my mind, to be the only one standing there making choices.  No one or nothing stood between my reality and me.

     

    I had no rulebooks, and all past feelings were based upon a past that wasn’t grounded in normal, so I couldn’t even trust them!

     

    What was bad in the past was now good and what was good was now bad!

     

    Picture the ladies of the religious cult coming out in the world of so called sin and devil making.  How they feel ‘normal’ and even of purer status to be behind gates and subjected to being controlled.

     

    Isn’t it a tragedy that we fear the fearless and can eat Sunday dinners with a pedophile and be able to swallow.

     

    Our fear and terror button has a totally faulty sensor.

     

    I don’t know how my brother can flip his switch to off in places that are not harmful and then readjust the switch for places that are.

     

    How overwhelming it is to be so wrong in such a right situation.

     

    Yet we were trained that way.  Imagine being trained backwards.  Just as the ladies in the cult believe that they are doing ‘god’s will’ when in fact they are playing with the devil himself.

     

    The devil has his hands on the fear switch and is pushing it in places that he will lose control.

     

    How could the Serial Pedophiles of the Cult Religions have control, if the gates were open wide, if the ladies could talk and share with other normal people of the world, or if the world could come in and see what is hidden behind the gates?

     

    Are the gates to keep the ladies/girls in or the world out?

     

    It was spoken often and suggested firmly that we curtail all relationships with folks outside of our religion. 

     

    The devil was anyone outside of the religion.  Put the Fear Of God in us.  And isn’t that true?

     

    We feared God, but were faithful to the devil himself.

     

    Astounding to me even now.

     

    All I can say to my brother is to continue to walk into ‘devil realities’ and look again with your own eyes, hear with your own ears, to experience life and readjust your fear switch.

     

    It is broken and shattered and has been that way since you were four.

     

    You be the one to reset it, you can now freely say what it is you fear, for the devil is controlling it now.

     

    This is what happens when someone you love, trust and have faith in molests you, rapes you, and makes you be submissive to acts that are deviant.  You make real fear fearless and then take the fearless and make it fear.

     

    When an ‘uncle’ sexually abuses you, you are set backwards in fear from hence forth.

     

    You feel in control in uncontrollable places, having control in being a victim.

     

    And fear more the power of being free.

     

    Like the rats in the shock box, like the ladies behind the gates of the devil’s religion, more at home in places where real fear lives.

     

    “You are more afraid of your brightness, than your darkness,” says Marianne Williamson.

     

    It is like we were raised with the Devil and thought it was God, and we now have to totally flip every last thing around.

     

    Our journey to heaven turns out to be one to hell.

     

    It is like being kicked out of the compound and you now have to learn to live alone.

     

    What is fear and what is love, what is normal and what is not normal, what is functional and what is not functional.

     

    Little did we know that all our switches are not functioning?

     

    That is what it means to be dysfunctional.

     

    In order to become functional we will rewire our switch by walking fearlessly into normal situations, to have fear but go in anyway, to take back the control of our selves.