I first heard about the five stages of grief in Forgiveness from Connie Domino and her book “The Law of Forgiveness,” which I have not read, yet.
I heard her in a conversation about how feelings and thoughts have to be in harmony, when she spoke on Sirius Radio.
She is saying that you can’t forgive just by saying the words, or using words alone, you have to feel it.
And this is where I think people get it wrong, you can’t fake feeling okay or fake feeling peace, or fake feeling anything, and try to believe the words have more power over what you are feeling.
She is saying to be in harmony with your words and feelings.
And I would say use your words to describe your feelings, feel it and give them words.
If you are angry, give it words!
Bring in the five stages of grief into whatever situation you are dealing with and trying to find forgiveness in, the five stages of accepting what is you have to accept.
First you have to accept it, and in order to get to acceptance, there are four steps in front of that.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I looked this up and here is what I found.
The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying.
It describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss. In addition to this, her book brought mainstream awareness to the sensitivity required for better treatment of individuals who are dealing with a fatal disease.[1]
- Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.[1] - Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.[1] - Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if…"
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the hi is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time…"[1] - Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.[1] - Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.[1]
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom).[1] This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one divorce, drug addiction, an infertility diagnosis. Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect – switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.[1]
Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.
However, there are individuals that struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, the more likely they are to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people.[1] Those who experience problems working through the stages should consider professional grief counseling or support groups.
I thought of these stages in death, but to use them in all tragedies or when facing forgiveness allows us to be ‘normal’ in abnormal situations.
I am wondering about the action of forgivenes if we have to do all five stages?
If you can skip a few and still get to the end result of feeling total acceptance and finding peace there?
I am sure most never contemplated the thought that forgiveness is a death process.
What I felt was a huge loss, but what I didn’t know was forgiveness was a loss.
I never considered this a grieving process, yet I felt that I had lost my whole family in one tragic event.
I grieved the event and the family seemed like colateral damage, but maybe it was reverse.
There are seem to be many levels of acceptance and owning the finality of it all.
The final stage of letting even the teeniest of hopes go, the slightest desires of hope, all hope must die.
Hope becomes a bargaining or denial tool that can keep you in a stage without final and complete acceptance.
It keeps you in a land between, in a place of noncommitment.
The fight that seems to carry on inside.
The fight inside of me was always between, me alone with acceptance, or me with them and not accepting.
I could not have it both ways.
In order to forgive I had to walk alone.
Forgiveness is like dying no one can do it for you.
I M Perfect lady 