Tag: journey

  • In Reverence…

    “You can’t know my world until you are there 

    Nisargadatta

    IMG_4861 

    This is my latest Lady quilt, the final touch I added today, a cross that bears the words,

    "The Old Me" 

    As I look upon this quilt, I am filled with feelings of gratitude and reverence for the life I lived, the shoes I wore; my journey and am also filled with pure potential of what is yet to be.

    I find such peace with this image, honoring my pathway to be who I am today.

    I thought of this post which was first posted in September 2010….as I read Step Six. 

     

     

     

  • My Journey So Far

    It was my intention to complete a book that had the evolution of my Lady, which is the star of my quilts.  And I did.  It was very interesting to not only look at each individual quilt, but to tell what it meant to me and my journey. I once again realize how fortunate I am to have this visual trail leading backwards…and forward; to see the process colorfully displayed in fabric and design.

    At times, when looking at them, it is hard to recollect the me that created them, and at other times, I feel it is the same artist.  And perhaps it is the same talent, but a new inspiration behind the hands.

    This book, I did by myself, and had two of my daughters do a glance over to see if the pictures and words were properly placed.  Each did a few tweaks, but all in all, I did it.

    Now, it seems…the journey isn't over, but it continues on. I wonder what my art will show as I venture forward. I wonder what turns my life will take, what hills I have yet to climb, and what surprises still lay ahead.

    I feel now that I am still drawn to create Art Quilts, but the need of therapy has been reduce. There is more air, space and relaxation in and around my quilts.

    Guess I could say this book is my journey so far…

    http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3344484

  • My Art Shows my Inner Changes.

    I had put off pricing my quilts, for the task seemed overwhelming. Today I asked a special friend of mine to give me hand, to see if we could find a respectable price that our local market would hold, yet honor the energy and Art of each piece. 

    The pile of twenty was quickly moved into smaller categories of size and composition.  From that point, we appraised its energy, story and fabric content (hand-dyed vs store bought) and found a price. 

    Once the prices were in range, I then went to work on giving each a name and brief description.

    These quilts had been set aside as quilts I could sell, for they didn't seem to have what I called my story line or were part of my healing Art Therapy, or had a bit of me in them. Yet when I began to give them titles and sit and stare at each one, all are part of my journey and in fact they hold energies of joy, feelings of sorrow, weight of tangled confusion, brilliant wisdom, subtle nuances and wistful growth, sisterhood, sister friends, soul sisters, etc…all carry a part of my healing, the past and the future.

    I could also see how my lady started.

    She was small. 

    She lacked movement and energy.

    She was drowned out by the color and design upon which she stood.

    As the years went on, she grew animated with movement, even her sorrow was pronounced…and her self worth blatantly evident in her size.,

    What I didn't expect from this collection of quilts is to see so much of me…and to feel the small almost unrecognizable me and the how the background energy moved into the Lady.

    Below are some from what I call my personal story line, that will show you how I saw myself back in 2005.

    IMG_3319
    She is one of the first ladies to emerge…Her size in comparison to the background really hit me.  How small I saw myself…insignificant almost. 

    IMG_3325
    Actually this one came before the previous one, for she doesn't even have hair… The writing in the quilting says, "Freedom to be free".  At the time it was a dream, a thought…a someday desire.  An unknown feeling. And the freedom seemed to be around me and I was trying to catch it.

    IMG_3281
    What struck me about these dancing ladies is the empty head…first I thought how sad, and then I thought, how delightful, to be empty of beliefs and thoughts, to be wide open. A clean slate…a new me. (this one was one of the first lady quilts to sell)

    In looking below at one of the latest quilts, one I pulled out of the pile going to Marquette, (I wasn't ready to let her go and she seems to be truly apart of my storyline) you can see how the lady and the background are equally as bright and infused with energy.  A balance…I am no longer smaller than my surroundings.

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    So, no matter which quilt I have done, there you will find me…a snippet of my journey, a bit of inner wisdom and knowing…without words, you see me in the shape, color and design.  Wow, Art really is revealing.

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    The description I wrote for this quilt, titled, "Comfortable Wisdom"…is, 

      "She rests easy in knowing who she is, where she has been…no regrets.  She  fully accepts the past and is at peace with the present…a lover of reality."  

    You simply can't hide in Art…it sneaks into every aspect of what you create.  

    As odd as it sounds, the more time I spend with my art, the more I understand it and the more in awe I become.  While playing with the fabrics and designs I am blind to the subtle blaring messages that are screaming at me in silence.  Just amazing to not see yourself…it is a slow progression.  I changed as my art changed…or my art shows my inner changes.


  • A Journey with your Spirit.

    Yesterday I finally heard the definition of a Spiritual Journey that made sense to me.  Ed Bacon and Bonnie St. Johns were talking about it in a way that resonated with what I know to be true.

    They said it was about sitting with your pain, being aware of suffering and finding out its source…about going into your self, your inner body, to feel emotions and feelings, to sort out the places that are not in alignment with the Universe.

    I understood this meaning of a Spiritual Journey.  

    What I have discovered is that I didn't need to go anywhere, but to become more introspective…to seek to change my perceptions, not to change the situations or others.

    It is a journey of going deeper, not away from yourself and out there somewhere…like Heaven is a place we go when we die.  

    The Spiritual Journey felt to me, like a destination to find the right Master…a journey away from your Self and this present moment.  

    I have heard it represented as not being within you, but rather a departure from your daily life.

    Yet I found that the spiritual journey was the daily life…and the master was your Self.  And depending upon what you accepted or denied granted you a Heaven or a Hell.  There was nowhere to go but to be here now and to feel the truth of this moment in time.

    That is the spiritual journey.  It doesn't lead you away from your daily life, but rather allows you stay there.

    There is nowhere to go, no one to become, nothing you have to aspire to, no teacher to seek.  All you have to be is fully you.  

    To feel your emotions, to discover your truth and to express your life, and that will have you on a journey with your Spirit.

     

  • One Verse of Me.

    I had an overwhelming feeling of being lost, of searching for myself, but not knowing who I was or how I would find me.

    What I was describing very accurately is my innocent me.

    That was who I set off to find…how I had gotten so far off the path of me…and who would I be, minus all the stuff?

    Letting go of the old me, and turning my back on all of the folks who created her, was very scary…for I had nothing of myself when I left.

    I was a stranger to myself going out to find a self, who I didn't know at all.

    I didn't know how this journey would end, what would I find as I resurrected my truth…

    I stood horrified of the lies I had built myself upon…and couldn't pretend to pretend to pretend I was her…and a new self wasn't born, so I was left in a space a vacuum of time…nothing to hold myself in.

    A stranger to the truth…and a nonbeliever of the lies.

    Where I used to be strong and confident in the false life, I now lay weak in disbelief.

    I don't know where the courage came to even wiggle a finger, let alone set out and dig up my past and re-contextualize each thing to set it up within the frame work of truth.  And to do so while living life.

    Living life as a nobody.  Just a truth correction lady.  Letting my self definition go, while I fixed all my wrong beliefs and thoughts.

    It was like my life to this point was written in fiction and I had to go back and make it nonfiction.  I was the main character and the author…re-writing my past while living in my present…changing the essence of the main character, me.

    Here I am writing my life story, while living it out; changing the main character from dysfunctional to functional…from false and fiction to truth and reality…

    What an intriguing position.  Writing how I found me, while researching how I lost me…while lost to who I really am.

    Unaware, to aware…but lost….to knowing how I got lost.

    I found myself where I got lost.

    Innocent.  

    When I left my innocence, I lost me…I walked away, or ran in fear and terror…or was exploited.

    While I can burst with gratitude for finding myself and my innocence, I too have to feel the agony of the sheer magnitude that conspired to lead me from me.

    The forces that pulled me away…and I felt the literal forces working to drag me back as worked on going back to me.

    My cells and DNA screamed as I worked to return to my natural state of being, they were addicted to the false lies and false adoration and attention…I had to turn on myself, turn on my family, turn away from all I knew, in order to recalibrate myself.

    Going from Falsehood to Truth. 

    Innocence is being at one with the truth….one verse of me.

    IMG_1406
    This photo was taken of me and my sister friend, Kirsten in the summer of 2008.  I love the joy, the love and peace….me on my journey back to me…I have found wonderful souls to walk with me and cheer me on.  I love that you held me up when I had nothing inside of me.  Thanks seems so small for such a huge task, but thank you to all who walked with me as I sought to find myself while lost.

     

     

  • He Only Recognizes the Hardware

    David Hawkins writes about innocence…from "Healing and Recovery" and perhaps this is the whole journey of life…healing and recovering your innocence.

    "To safely do spiritual work and avoid crises, it is necessary to reaffirm, look within, and discover one's own innocence.  It really is not safe to do spiritual work unless one has a glimpse of that innate naive innocence and keeps one eye on it at all times, because that innocence is the gateway back to the Truth so one does not get lost in the swamp."

    "How do we see that innocence and know its presence?  We know that enlightened beings say that all are one with God, and consequently, that which is intrinsically innocent is within us at all times.  The knowingness can occur as a matter of revelation or understanding."

    "It we look at the consciousness of the child, we see the child's innocence. Everyone agrees on the innocence of the child whose consciousness is not devious.  It hasn't learned to lie; it hasn't learned the values of judgment and criticism.  The child is openly trusting and innocent, and out of this innocence and trustingness, paradoxically, it begins to learn that which is not the truth.  He or she hears the parents say, "We don't play with certain children because they are the wrong race, creed, or color; they belong to the wrong religion," and so hatred is taught to the child.  In order for the child to be loyal to the family to honor and love its mother and father, the child has to adopt that teaching."

    "As a result, the innocence of the child is exploited by that which is not the truth, and that which is not the truth innocently comes through generation after generation, via the parents, grandparents, other family members, friends, teachers, television, storybooks, and novels.  So that which is intrinsically innocent now begins to take unto itself programs and beliefs that are not the truth."

    "We can compare the consciousness of the child to the hardware of the computer, and the programming coming in from the social consciousness of the world itself is the software.  We see that the computer, the hardware, which is intrinsically innocent, is uncontaminated by the software.  You can run any kind of ignorance of negativity or falsehood through a computer, and the computer itself is uncontaminated.  You put in the next CD, and the computer's capacity is unimpaired."

    "Likewise, that intrinsic innocence within consciousness itself is unimpaired, and that intrinsic innocence is reading these words right now.  It is the intrinsic innocence of one's consciousness that is listening and reading, trying to find the truth, trying to tune itself in to what is real."

    "That childlike innocence is unchanged throughout one's entire life; it never leaves."

    "When looking at what the world calls ego, or what spiritual work calls ego, instead of condemning it, we can see, out of innocence, that is what we believed at the time.  What we did was appropriate if that software program had been correct.  Therefore, we do not ever really make a 'mistake' in our spiritual work.  Everything is on purpose once we set our intention to achieve an understanding of the truth and be open to Grace so that the truth may be revealed in whatever way we wish to hold in mind, in whatever expression is most appropriate.  It is important to remember that we have asked for all that is in error (i.e.,ignorance) to be brought up for recognition. It is all right to do that if we realize our innate innocence at the same time."

    "We again ask, The innocence of what?  It is the innocence not of us as a person but the innocence of consciousness itself because, as a person, we are merely reflecting that which is universal as consciousness itself.  What has gone on has happened as a result of the nature of consciousness; therefore, there is no point going into personal self-condemnation about it nor, on the opposite side of the coin, going into personal pride about it."

    "Discovering the nature of consciousness itself and looking into the nature of consciousness in our own introspection reveals that everything we have believed in during our whole life has happened out of innocence.  Compassion and understanding develop and because of that compassion, we can now see that through our own innocence, we have come to believe what we believe.  The willingness to forgive then allows us to see into the hearts of others.  Out of our own compassion, we can see the innocence of the child over and over.  No matter what the age of the body, the consciousness has remained unchanged.  We can still hear the heart of the child within the adult saying "won't," "don't" and so forth; it is the innocence of the child still speaking.  We need to keep an eye on that to prevent spiritual crises.  It heals conflicts as they arise."

    "The reaffirmation of our innocence consists of never buying that anything is 'just' ego; there is no such thing as 'just' ego.  Ego, the software, social consciousness, and the programming have been superimposed on that which is not ego but on truth itself and consciousness itself."

    "All spiritual crises come from context, meaning, and the way in which a thing is held.  If we think our diet is an unspiritual diet, or our lifestyle or what we do for a living are unspiritual, they are merely reflecting a certain level of consciousness."

    "Those who have reached very high levels of consciousness condemn nothing. They will affirm, however, that certain levels of consciousness will have consequences, and that a certain lifestyle, one of selling out the truth, about one's self, will bring inner pain and grievance.  It is left up to the individual to continue the process, and there is no attempt to control anyone."

    "Certain behaviors or self-condemnation will activate energy fields that will be experienced as painful.  Again, it is left to the individual to continue or not.  However, it is then not seen as a threat but as merely a fact of human consciousness that inner agony can become greater than what it is already is if one violates certain principles.  The teaching still holds up that it can be a very high teaching even thought it may warn us that very agonizing painful states of consciousness can come about as a result of certain behaviors."

    "All the experience within human consciousness, including all spiritual work, represents a position, a way of being with, and a way of holding what we are always talking about.  Even though we think we are talking about the external world, it is really an inner position as a consequence of a certain level of consciousness, of how we choose to be with something, and the pains and agonies that come about as a result of our clinging onto putting our survival on something that is not the truth.  Pain tells us that we have put our survival onto something that is a violation of some principle of consciousness.  That is really what spiritual work is about."

    "The progressive pain of these positions tells us that they are far from the truth not what that they are 'wrong'.  As we get closer to  the experience of the Presence of God, the inner experience is one of increasing joy and happiness.  As we get further from it, it tells us that we are far removed from the truth. Therefore, it is not a 'make wrong'.  It is not a right or wrong, it is just that it is painful and does not work."

    "The Buddha said that all pain and suffering are based on attachment and desire. "  David Hawkings, 

    If you look at your journey as going from hot to cold, cold meaning away from truth and hot meaning walking with it, you will see life without the right and wrong doing, but instead like a graph or scale. 

    And your life will be dramatically affected by the closeness to the truth or by how far away you are from it.

    What I know for certain it is harder to find the truth, if the truth was not taught to you.  In fact to find the truth, you have to first discover what was taught that wasn't the truth…and to fully understand the malleability of our innocence.

    It is because we were so innocent, so trusting and our survival depended upon the adults in our worlds, that we slurped up their softwear program.

    I can visualize people now by where they are on the sliding scale of truth vs not truth…and the softwear they speak from can give you great insights to if they are hot or cold.  And actually, their lives will clearly display how deeply buried is their innocence.

    Discovering our innocence is the Spiritual Journey; we will then see what God sees.  He only recognizes the hardware…

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  • Fear into Love

    In a Card from a Sister Friend, she quoted Constantine Peter Cavafy

    "As you set out in search of Ithaka pray that your journey be long, full of adventures, full of awakenings.  Do not fear the monsters of old…you will not meet them in your travels if your thoughts are exhalted and remain high, if authentic passions stir your  mind, body, and spirit. You will not encounter fearful monsters if you do not carry them within your soul, if your soul doesn't see them up in front of you."  

    I love that we will not meet the monsters of old…the old lessons we learned are not recycled.  

    Lessons not learned grow bigger trying desperately to gain our attention, to bring into our awareness the things we are doing to hurt ourselves and others; to raise us from fear into Love.

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     The center of this quilt was from a wall hanging I had made my parents in the very early stages of my quilting.  It hung in their porch, and one winter while they were in Texas, the mice chewed the quilt fabric surrounding this saying.  I took it back and a few summers ago turned it back into a wallhanging for me. (our estrangement didn't bode for gift exchanges anymore)  

    What is so foretelling is the saying on this quilt.

    "May those who love us, Love us. And those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we will know them by their limping."   

    My mother had used a walking cane to hang this on the wall.  

    I am getting better at discerning love.

  • Meant to be…

    At Christmas time we send out greetings of Peace, Love and Joy, and yet we fail to send them out to the folks we are estranged from.

    The meaning of estranged is, No longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated and I wondered what I would write to those who I am not close to, but have been.  

    My Estrangement Christmas Letter…

    Since we are no longer close, we no longer communicate and that leaves us in silence.  In that silence and space there seems to be peace; for separation brings us both peace in our lives, for each of us disagree with the way the other is walking. 

    As we both walk separated, we are here for a reason…a season or a lifetime.  I can't know if we will never connect, or have given each other the lesson or message we needed to…or do we come together at another time…and for another reason.

    It seems that if you let someone go and they come back to you, it was meant to be, and if they never do…that too is the way of it.

    We were in each others lives until it was no longer peaceful to be.

    I have no regrets to walking my path, nor in letting you walk yours…holding each other prisoner in a life we don't want would not have made us closer.  There is peace is separation.

    I have learned volumes of lessons in letting go, in giving freedom, and in seeing when I held on too tightly…and smothered life.

    Estrangement actually feels honorable when our ways of living life are different and not closely related; our paths are strange to each other…I would not force you to walk on my path and am thankful you are not asking the same of me.

    I wish you peace as you walk your path and know there is a rhythm and beat to the drum you follow, that only you can hear.  It is your heart and your soul you follow…it leads you.  

    You can make no mistake, for your life is set for you pace, your comfort and you will always know when to move. Always. It is never too late or never not right.  It is always right for you.

    I wish you joy in all things.  Joy at being you.

    I wish you love of self first…for it leads the way.

    And yet, there is an belief that says we do one of four things;

    We come in Light and move toward the Light

    or come in the dark and stay in the dark

    or come in the Light and move towards the dark

    or come in the dark and move towards the Light.

    The latest is me.  I can't know your journey, nor can anyone, but you.  I can only honor what you say and what you do…for you do it for reasons that only you can know.

    Whatever is your journey, I wish you peace, love and joy.

    I thank you for whatever time we spent together, what messages we shared and the lessons we learned.  I know for me, that each person I have been in contact with has walked part of my journey with me.

    You lent a kind word, walked through a particularly dark time, showed me the wrong way, brought me words I didn't want to hear, etc…I couldn't have done it without you.  

    I believe that those I am estranged from are Angels who did what they had to do to make me who I am today.  Even the dark ones, had to walk a particularly hard journey to help me see.  I am in awe of your journey the most.  For it is easy to be a Light walker, and much more difficult to walk the walk of the dark.

    On this Christmas, I wish you peace on your journey…and am grateful for you being part of my journey.  It is with an understanding heart and soul, I know we would be together if it was meant to be…

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     Have Peace this Christmas…

  • I have listened.

    I had a wise voice talk to me, reminding me of the lay of the land or the overview of us all talking on the blogs, and that there is room for everyone.

    Her message struck me as totally on target, and I could see how there are folks who are not ready to say their name, to be ‘out’ here like I am.

    That in order to talk to them, I may have to duck back in and speak in the dark, until they feel okay to meet with me ‘out’ here.

    I had used the term, “being in the closet” and it does sometimes feel that there are not only abused people hiding in there, too afraid to talk about their abuse, but it seems too that there are abusers hiding there as well.

    Meaning under the cloak of secrecy, and for different reasons, they are all hiding who they really are.

    What I failed to appreciate is that while I am trying to yank them out here to be with me, I need to meet them half way. 

    It is not helpful to be forceful.  Our tug-o-war was getting us nowhere.

    While I am yelling louder they are shrinking further back and that isn’t what I wanted this blog to be about.

    I do want it to be a place for all.

    My fear was speaking to the unknown. But you have reasons I can’t know.  And if I want to hear your side, I must allow you to be in the dark.

    The trick here is to speak from our side and not assume the others position.

    If we position each sentence or feeling with the word “I”.

    With you feeling safer in hiding and me feeling safe in full view, we can figure a way to work together. 

    I recall reading in a book about the caterpillar changing into a butterfly, if you force it to leave the cocoon too soon, its wings will be too wet to fly and it will die.

    We all fly in our own time.  I apologize for my loudness and empathic words and shouting about my journey…And me not realizing you will open the door on your journey in the right and perfect time for you.

    I have been told and I have listened…

     

     

  • I have listened.

    I had a wise voice talk to me, reminding me of the lay of the land or the overview of us all talking on the blogs, and that there is room for everyone.

    Her message struck me as totally on target, and I could see how there are folks who are not ready to say their name, to be ‘out’ here like I am.

    That in order to talk to them, I may have to duck back in and speak in the dark, until they feel okay to meet with me ‘out’ here.

    I had used the term, “being in the closet” and it does sometimes feel that there are not only abused people hiding in there, too afraid to talk about their abuse, but it seems too that there are abusers hiding there as well.

    Meaning under the cloak of secrecy, and for different reasons, they are all hiding who they really are.

    What I failed to appreciate is that while I am trying to yank them out here to be with me, I need to meet them half way. 

    It is not helpful to be forceful.  Our tug-o-war was getting us nowhere.

    While I am yelling louder they are shrinking further back and that isn’t what I wanted this blog to be about.

    I do want it to be a place for all.

    My fear was speaking to the unknown. But you have reasons I can’t know.  And if I want to hear your side, I must allow you to be in the dark.

    The trick here is to speak from our side and not assume the others position.

    If we position each sentence or feeling with the word “I”.

    With you feeling safer in hiding and me feeling safe in full view, we can figure a way to work together. 

    I recall reading in a book about the caterpillar changing into a butterfly, if you force it to leave the cocoon too soon, its wings will be too wet to fly and it will die.

    We all fly in our own time.  I apologize for my loudness and empathic words and shouting about my journey…And me not realizing you will open the door on your journey in the right and perfect time for you.

    I have been told and I have listened…