I M Perfect lady

Tag: journey

  • Family is Relating.

    In the past weeks I have had sister relationships with ladies not related to me, yet we related. 

     

    And when I tried to relate to those related to me, we failed.

     

    What I failed to focus on were the ladies who related to me, and instead part of my head was with those who I could no longer relate to, struggling to find the words or phrases to make us match.

     

    I failed. 

     

    We don’t match.

     

    It isn’t them or it isn’t me. 

     

    They are fine alone and I am fine alone, but put us together and negativity pops out of them and out of me.

     

    We are not what some would call each other’s better half.

     

    Last night I was with two women who are not related to me, and we related beautifully. 

     

    We tossed conversation back and forth and held each other’s truths easily, we matched, I fit in their worlds, there wasn’t a struggle to find a little glimmer of commonality, and we flowed with each other effortlessly.

     

    It was as one said, ‘family that is not family’.

     

    I believe that we match or we don’t match and there isn’t anything we can do to force a relationship against reality, any more than we can stop one that grows organically.

     

    As I sit here today and look backward upon all the wonderful spirited wise individual ladies I have had the privilege to share my journey with, I am in wonder of these relationships.

     

    Some are just forming, others were formed a while back and are growing deeper and more meaningful to me, some seem to have gone ahead and were waiting for me to arrive with open arms and hearts.

     

    How grateful am I for their journeys that coincided with mine, yet years apart.

     

    Ladies of strength and willingness to participate in life fully not shying away when their truths lead them from their comfort zones. 

     

    Ladies of integrity, who use their voices to speak for themselves always, these are my sisters, the ones I relate to, the ladies whose footsteps I am following, who give me energy and hope.

     

    These sisters are bold and follow their north star no matter where it leads and who they have to leave behind; they are willing to let go to hold on to what they know is their truth.

     

    How lucky am I to have them sprinkled along my journey to share this experience, to enhance my life, to lighten my load, to brighten my day, to inspire me and cheer me on as I continue to build a stronger me.

     

    Thanks to each of my soul sisters for the relationship we have, the braveness you show in sharing yourself with me, and the inspiration your story lends is hope to me.

     

    Family is relating.

     

    My chosen families are those that relate to me.

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Girl She Was Meant To Be.

    I found myself seeing myself but with my old perception and then with my new perception could see my old self.

     

    It is like looking in a two-way mirror seeing your self on both sides. 

     

    Amazing to see such contrasts between the two.

     

    It dawned on me that I am a crazy, daring, bold lady, a woman of courage who tossed aside 46 years of rules and regulations to follow her own truth. 

     

    I am in awe of the distance between these two women, and they both are Me.

     

    The lady I used to be didn’t break rules, she followed along obediently even if she didn’t want to, people pleasing was her full time job, and choice making wasn’t her strong suit, her sense of self was gotten from the multitude of labels she covered her self with.

     

    My new lady tossed out all the rulebooks, and set out on her own, using her own body as her guide, for the first time ever.

     

    I remember stating, “It was like I was going to find myself, I didn’t know who I was or even that I was missing.”

     

    And it was the truth.

     

    I left my old me and I walked away, for the old me was a combination of other peoples ideas of me, their needs of me, their wishes of me, I was a me of their dreams, but not of my own.

     

    The old me was built up for reasons that had little or nothing to do with me.  Even if I didn’t know who I was, I knew for sure who I wasn’t.

     

    A child molester once said, “I changed who she would have been,” and he is right.

     

    A little girl who has been molested loses her way, her passions, and her spirit. 

     

    Her life is only about surviving.

     

    In this two-way mirror on my journey I see how the same courage she had to survive, she used to set herself free. 

     

    From the wide view I see a fearlessly bold lady who has taken her life back.  Who will no longer just survive, but she will live.

     

    She will live her own dreams, have her own ideas, make her own wishes and suit her own needs.

     

    Self lovingly at last, she is free to be the girl she was meant to be.

     

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  • Reality’s Parade

    While a friend continues each day enduring the affects of cancer treatment, I had told her I would yoga along with her until she was done.

     

    She thought she had until August, and while that seemed a long ways off, I said I would do yoga each day. 

     

    We then found out our finish line was pushed way back until it is now January 2011.

     

    It seems to be a pile of days, a bunch of effort and a hill full of energy needed to make it that far, but if you break it down to this day, this day you can do.

     

    It is a parade of This Days, and if you just focus on this day, this day is way doable, or this moment, and not look so far ahead that you miss this step you are on.

     

    I would love a cool name for “This Day Parade” one that has an interesting phrase, one that suggests we all are on a journey of just this day.

     

    We all are in places in our lives where there are difficulties to face, challenges to overcome and a life to live. 

     

    It just seems to feel better to know you have other souls marching along learning and overcoming their own life lessons, that you are not alone, that it is indeed a life parade.

     

    In the life parade, we need to keep up with the music of reality, to hear the drums of truth, to adhere as life changes direction, after all we are just the participants of Reality’s Parade!

     

     

  • This Path of Life.

    “What do you want the book to do for you?” was a question I had asked of someone.

     

    It struck me as an odd question, but I needed to know what the person was seeking.

     

    What are you looking for the book to do for you, what problem will it solve, what part of you will it make better, can it correct a wrong and make you a better person, will it be a map to follow, a way out? 

     

    How much of our well being are we hoping to find in these books?

     

    I am not talking about books for pleasure, we use for escaping reality, but rather the ‘self help’ books, the books claiming to change your life.

     

    Maybe it helps you see yourself from another’s point of view; like seeing your truth written by someone else.

     

    Our body feels the truth as we read it, somewhere a bell rings, the truth of our experience is echoed by someone else, perhaps it is this that we are searching for, to find a like minded spirit, someone who is walking our same path but is much further ahead.

     

    This same concept can pertain to yoga as well, that it helps us all to hear the stories of others, to feel the camaraderie of fellow yogis as we traverse this path of Bikram Yoga.  It is always nice to see and hear of others doing more yoga or better yoga or overcame this obstacle or that and still was able to continue on.

     

    Storytelling is a way to weave the common thread among all people.  We are much more alike than different.

     

    Mostly we are on the same path, just in different places! 

     

    I am here and you are there, I have walked differently my beat was for me; listen to the sound of your life, what it wants from you now.

     

    Express  yourself uniquely on this path of life.

     

  • A Journey within a journey.

    It is day 42, with 18 to go, and I am feeling okay, I wasn’t overly excited to begin, but did it anyway.

     

    It is in the actions, or as an old friend used to say, “Just arrive.”

     

    Arrive to the mat, just place your feet together, hands under your chin and begin the breathing process.  Taking it one step at a time, and I will know when I cannot go a step further, and it is incredible that with an unwilling enthusiasm, I can still do yoga.

     

    In the acceptance mode I still get fully involved, and expend lots of energy, sweating and breathing, until an hour and a half slip by.

     

    The Spin Twisting Pose comes up and I know that I made it again, a journey within a journey.

     

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  • I know you can.

    My brother is at a ten-day silent Vipassana retreat.  This is his second time there, and this time he is a volunteer and will help with the food preparation and clean up as well as meditate for three hours a day.

     

    This meditation practice is called the ‘insight meditation.’  I hope his blog www.messyguru.typepad.com will have entries about it upon his return.

     

    His first time was almost a year ago, around Thanksgiving time he was an attendee and they meditated all day long.

    He had a wild ride; with emotions, crazy thoughts and beliefs all celebrating the fact that he stopped doing to just sit with them awhile.

     

    I applaud his courage to just sit.  He is facing full on all that is upside down and backwards, to sit in silence and encourage thoughts that most run away from. 

     

    The busyness of life can camouflage all the roots of anxiety, making it near impossible to figure out why you run.

     

    Imagine stopping everything.  Like every little thing, and have someone taking care of you, so all you have to do is be with your self awhile, ok for TEN days. 

     

    For many many months I had my own semi-vipassana here.

    I didn’t know such a fancy word, but I sat and sat and then I sat.

     

    I watched birds, and my mind was churning and cranking and spitting and sputtering, whirling around and around, trying to make sense of the nonsensical. 

     

    Just had to look up the meaning of nonsensical.

    noun: words or language having little or no sense or meaning. conduct, action, etc., that is senseless, foolish, or absurd: to have tolerated enough nonsense.

     

    Boy is that the truth.  I was trying to figure out ‘words or language having little or no sense or meaning.’  Wow.

     

    And those words held meanings such as love, family, caring, or faith of my childhood, and they now became nonsensical.

     

    I recall almost feeling the daily flush of embarassment, to be such a gulible believahead in light of reality crashing upon it.

     

    It is like you have built up your own fairytale world, but wholeheartedly believing it and walking around unknowing it is a huge mistake, yet in full confidence and even arrogance.

     

    The ‘Bliss of Ignorance of Abuse” is horrifying to realize. 

     

    I was shocked motionless, which is kinda like a ‘forced vipassana,’ and I literally just wanted to get inside my head and see what was up, where I had it so wrong.

     

    How nice to have a place that is safe and where folks will take care of you as you encounter the thoughts/beliefs of your mind.

     

    As I sat here day by day, I also had to try and maintain some semblence of normal, to cook, clean, and engage with my kids and husband.  The overlay of vipassana and normal life I would not recommend.  However, I do know you can do it.

     

    I also was Blessed with a caring husband, a working caring husband, and my children were old enough to take care of their needs, as long as I still took part in some of the mothering.  But even that I was replused from, for what kind of a mother was I, if I believed in nonsensical things? 

     

    My job was one day a week.  So I literally had all day long to vipassana, and then to quickly put together a meal, straighten up the house, and put on my ‘volunteer’ sticker and after that fall into bed.

     

    It was such a juxtaposition to do the vipassana all day and then be a normal mother/wife when they popped back in.

     

    But I do now believe that the ‘normal’ life added with vipassana kept me from going insane.

     

    My husband always always believed that I was strong enough to handle all of this, he never wavered not once.

     

    My life was perfectly set up to do this at home vipassana insight meditation, and it didn’t matter how I breathed or sat, but that I was intent on not being distracted.  In fact my daily distractions were what kept me with one hand on reality.

     

    I know that as he sits with nonsensical things floating around in his head, nonsensical things that terrorize his body, bring up huge amounts of anxiety, he is one brave soul.  And I am so grateful that he too will have the opportunity to be distracted taking care of somebody.  It gives you a purpose, it helps you begin to build up a new image, a new you.

     

    His heart is open wide, his intent is beyond reapproach, and is willingness of spirit brings admiration. 

     

    I am cheering you on….I know you can!