“Two wrongs don’t make it right…” came to mind yesterday and I can see clearly how a child gets so lost after being abused, how the negative energies keep piling up.
‘Good’ folks who are unaware of what their actions are saying to the child make matters worse and don’t even know it, know it. They just are doing what their parents did unquestioning.
The cycle repeats itself, by each generations same behavior.
Yesterday while listening to a novel on CD, a sentence was spoken with awe, “She sure is her mother’s daughter…” and I thought sadly I am not, and felt sad pride.
It was bittersweet to know that I didn’t have a mother who acted like me, that I have forged this new behavior alone without a pattern to follow.
Not only no pattern, but I created this with no support from my family of origin…
The patterns of abuse were not followed by m me, nor did I act according to family’s wishes, instead I did the complete opposite and it has brought me much disdain.
Here is how I built a new pattern, I responded negatively to the abusers and I did what was positive for me.
This wasn’t a preconceived agenda, but rather an instinctual deep inside calling.
I was not a child at the time of being aware of my abuse, but I still mothered myself.
I was the mother and I was the wounded child.
In each situation I would ask myself what would be best for the abused little girl inside of me, and each time I would then respond that way, paying no heed to the ramifications that decision would cause to the folks around me.
My little girl inside was my number one focus and I never, not once did something that I felt would cause her more harm.
While it seems counterintuitive, stepping away from my father and mother was the best thing for my little girl.
Neither had taken good care of her.
Once I learned to step aside from those who hurt me; that was my pattern.
I step away from folks who hurt me.
It is plain, it is simple and it has had a positive change for me.
It matters not to me what their title is, all that mattered was how I felt in their presence and if it didn’t feel safe, warm, loving, joyful, then I would make my move.
My inner wellness had to matter more than anything in the world. It became my compass. Like a very very stubborn child, even a bullhead, I continued with this new pattern.
If it hurts or feels bad, I move away.
If it requires me to overlook or look around their negative behaviors, I move away.
If they are not accountable for their own actions, I move away.
If it gives them more power and leaves me powerless, I move away.
If they belittle and make snide remarks about my needs, I move away.
If they holler and scream I am insane, crazy, not well, I move away.
I have been given the luxury and freedom that most abused children do not have. I am an adult with a voice and a choice. I can support myself…I don’t’ have to put my survival in the hands of those who hurt me.
Children of abuse are not given this new pattern to follow, in fact they are ‘forced’ to do the opposite of what I have done.
They are made to succumb and return to ‘normal’ to get back in line of the family pattern, most often in order to survive. They are not self supporting.
How their abuse affects the family shows the pattern from generations before.
If a child’s abuse doesn’t shatter the family…it is the normal pattern and the way things are in this particular family tree.
If the child’s welfare isn’t put at the top of the list, the family’s pattern most likely is that the children’s needs are last, EVEN if the child has been abused. They will do what feels best or fits best in the family pattern.
It seems preposterous, but this I have witness first hand. I seen my father’s case through the eyes of the wounded child, and what I saw was all positive for my father and very negative for me.
Little by little I watched how my mother and siblings acted and how they responded, and who they took care of, spoke for and who they argued for, while I watched my father do nothing.
He didn’t take one teeny tiny move that showed he felt remorse or that he wanted to get out from under his disease…he didn’t have to lift a finger; all were doing the heavy lifting for him.
I watched and I witnessed this all with the eyes of the wounded child.
I kept my view as a wounded child, not as a daughter or sister…
I saw the family pattern being played out perfectly. I witnessed how this abuse continues on.
The only way childhood sexual abuse can continue on is with the consent and knowledge of the adults or heads of households.
Children depend on the adults for survival, cannot sway the family tree to act differently, their very food and shelter depend upon it.
I acted against the pattern and look at where I am sitting.
Alone in my own home… I am free of those who abused me.
A child doesn’t have this luxury, they are held captive until they can support themselves.
They are subjected to years and years of abuse and live a few feet away from themselves, trying to survive they have to be disconnected…
The sad part is, most are not able to reconnect.
They have learned to be this untreated abused person.
Learned to survive by blocking out their feelings, separating themselves from themselves. Living as a person that isn’t who they are.
I am not certain why I had the privilege to reconnect to my self, to walk with my wounded girl until we walked free. But I have and I have carved out a new pattern…a pattern without abuse.
I M Perfect lady 