I M Perfect lady

Tag: life

  • That is Me.

    I listened to a podcast, about exploring the rising trend about going No Contact with your Family.

    I have been No Contact with my family now for over 20 years, which seems almost surreal. A brother was the last contact I lost – about 10 years ago.

    It was good to hear others experiences. And, it affirmed a few things.

    One being how the old way – of respecting your parents – for their role – rather for how the relationship was between you – is over.

    The new way is now about the relationship. How do two people engage with each other. We no longer put the role before the way the relationship feels inside.

    This makes so much more sense – and I feel that both sides would gain so much – if the relationship was healthy.

    We are no longer expected to stay in toxic relationships no matter who they are with. There is a huge amount of freedom knowing you can do the No Contact route.

    Another part was when a hospice nurse spoke about parents who were dying and how they wanted the estranged child to call. The feelings the hospice nurse had was that it was about control – that the parent believed since they were dying the child would acquiesce.

    The nurse felt it was a selfish act.

    This was how I felt and it is good to be affirmed with that choice. She even said that even though the child didn’t want to speak to the dying parent, most wanted to be called upon the death.

    The nurse saying something about how terrible it would be to find out on Facebook. Which is exactly how I did.

    The podcast also showed how there are many reasons for children to have no contact with their parents and siblings. As well as parents who put up boundaries against children.

    Mostly, it is about how we feel inside when we are with our families. How they see us, hear us and understand. Just as in any relationship we have, it is best when they are healthy. When we can be ourself and be loved unconditionally.

    I think this trend of No Contact, will make better parents – ones who are less about the role they play and more about the content of their relationships. It will help them see their child as unique individuals.

    One young girl said how much better her insides feel now that she has no contact – she feels so free and happy in her life.

    That is me.

    You can listen to Oprah’s podcast to hear more.

  • Where Love Lives.

    A lifetime ago, I used to go Caroling with my siblings. One year I made us all scarves to wear. The simple joys of the holidays. Being a creative person, each Christmas I would try and make them all something. Pouring my heart through my hands.

    My brother sent a text yesterday. “Happy birthday! Life is short, enjoy each day. ”  Just enough to bring them and the drama to the front. 

    No matter the words I use, they can’t comprehend my journey.  

    I started to respond, but what could I say? What words would make him and them – understand the magnitude of love, peace and joy there is away from them.

    I believe they see me as suffering in the past hurts, holding on to grudges and non-forgiveness. Forsaking this moment with a mind and heart full of anger.

    Why else remind me of the shortness of life and to enjoy it.

    No matter the words I would type or the sentiment I tried to present, he wouldn’t understand how my heart and soul are filled with light. That stepping away from cycles of abuse the brainwashed cult-like religion – set my soul free and my heart to love.

    I miss family – but not the toxic one. That family comes with generational behaviors and patterns that are near impossible to have real relationships with.

    When I look back at our blind innocence and the unconsciousness of our denial – how we dressed up the holidays to be more – to hide the truth that lay beneath.

    What an impossible task to try and make our family whole. No scarves or ornaments – made with love by me – could put a dent into righting the mess.

    Those simple fun memories are now tainted, knowing what we didn’t acknowledge.

    If only they were just joys of caroling, with fun scarves, sharing our Christmas baking. If only there wasn’t ugly truths right beneath the surface.

    A friend sent a photo of her and her 4 sisters caroling – and their mom.  It fills my heart and breaks it. Of the joy of family and the loss of mine.  A wound that will follow me always.  They are there – sometimes loud – most often a faint hum in the background of my wonderful life.

    I know there are many of us out here, who are living, loving and finding peace and joy – away from our families of origin. It is more than okay to feel the ache of loneliness and feeling sorrow when you see family being loving family. And, the holidays can be especially hard to walk in tandem with grief and joy.

    What I know to be true is that the grief just pops up here and there in the sea of goodness I live in.

    My heart can hold joy and sorrow. If Christmas wishes were granted, I would want my siblings to join me here – on the outskirts of toxic family patterns.

    Until then – I hold space where love lives.

  • His Daughter to Live hers Well.

    Dates on the calendar can stir up memories – a glimmer of significance to the day. My father would have turned 96 today – he’s been gone now 13 years – but he was gone for me long before that time.

    It is different when you lose someone you were already estranged from – and your memories are tainted by his worst deeds.

    What I don’t have are heart felt memories – or sadness that he’s gone. It is a void where a father should have stood.

    So a date arrives and it is unusual with its significance- a day that used to be – and his life it feels was one that brought pain.

    I don’t follow the news, but there are many who do – and many who feel the angst of all that is going on. I don’t have answers for the multiple things that are wrong – but what I do know is that within my family of origin when all seemed lost – what I focused on was what I could do in my small corner of the world.

    I could gather Love, Peace and Joy.

    I wasn’t changing the devastation my father’s life did.

    I wasn’t changing the lives of those who suffered – I couldn’t.

    But, I could affect change in my small circle. I was able to use my life to live the opposite. I live with intention and keep as much love, peace and joy in my world.

    There are things we have influence over and there are millions that bring stress – and where we can do nothing.

    I believe if each of us sought out more of what we love, what brought joy and held peace, the world would tilt in that direction.

    I knew if I focused on my father’s deeds and the suffering and pain he sowed – I would have shriveled up and died inside.

    When I vowed to not let him define my life – I turned towards a new direction.

    It wasn’t easy at first – it felt awkward to turn away from so much bad – to seek instead the things that warmed my heart. Over time the new habit became my life.

    Even today as so much is upside down and backwards in this country – I still center myself on the choices I can make to bring love and light to my little world.

    It is during the darkest of times, we need more art – in all categories. We can send waves of positive energies out into the world each day by what we spend our days doing.

    Perhaps in honor of a life so wrongly lived – it is a must for his daughter to live hers well.

    Art is a sanctuary for my troubled mind- or when my left brain is stressed. There is joy letting the right side play.

  • In Reverence…

    “You can’t know my world until you are there” 

    Nisargadatta

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    This is my latest Lady quilt, the final touch I added today, a cross that bears the words,

    "The Old Me" 

    As I look upon this quilt, I am filled with feelings of gratitude and reverence for the life I lived, the shoes I wore; my journey and am also filled with pure potential of what is yet to be.

    I find such peace with this image, honoring my pathway to be who I am today.

    I thought of this post which was first posted in September 2010….as I read Step Six. 

     

     

     

  • A broken heart is an Open Heart.

    I marvel at the synchronicity of my life…after writing about my Mothering Test, I turn on Sirius and I hear Iyanla Vanzant talking about three generations of women, who are working on relating to each other.  She has a new show called, "Fix My Life" that will be on OWN Network this fall.

    The oldest generation abandoned her daughter, by not seeing her disability….the second generation abandoned her daughter while seeking attention she never got from her mother, abandoning her own daughter when she came along.  Now thirty years later, they say, "I love you, but I don't like you…"

    I was given an audio image of how the legacy continues…

    Iyanla worked with them to say their true feelings, to call it like it is…for the reason they are so far apart, is that the truth wasn't part of their relationship. She says, "Without the truth, there is no relationship," and that the healing cannot begin, till you name your truth.

    She had to keep reminding them to "call a thing a thing"….and not skirt the feelings and call it something else. 

    Those who really want to know the truth and say the truth, will be helped by her.

    Iyanla also said, "A child whose mother is not emotionally available, cannot feel safe."  This really hit home for me…with my own mother.  I never felt safe, that she had my back.  

    The youngest daughter could not get close to her mother, for she did not feel safe…I totally can relate both in being the daughter and having my daughters shy away.

    She also worked with the youngest to say to her mother, "I am angry, because…."

    The daughter had a hard time going deep into her feelings and emotions.

    And Iyanla said, "Go ahead and let your heart break….for when it breaks, it will allow compassion and empathy in."  "Go ahead, you will not die, you will be okay, let your heart break."

    This was another huge moment for me.  For, I understood the anger and the heart breaking.  

    It is heartbreaking to feel the abandonment.

    Iyanla said, that the Mom's neglected due to the absence of knowing better.

    I again loved that.  

    It isn't intentionally….they loved by how they were taught.

    What struck me was the timing of this being aired on the radio, along with how grateful I am to be far into the healing process….being with my truth and naming it like it is… and also letting go of my original position, of being out of control and controlling.

    There was sadness that I was not able to work with my mother on this, but extreme gratitude, that I was able to work with my girls.

    I felt the emotions of the mother and then, those of the daughter, and could totally see the avenue, that Iyanla was trying to take them.  She is bringing them to the road of their truths.

    The road of the truths.

    Naming it as it is and not giving it names so as to 'not hurt' the other…

    We hurt others more by keeping our truths to ourselves.

    I love that I am able to let my truths out and that I was able to let my heart break.

    It is trying like hell to not feel the broken feelings, that keep you from your own emotions, and thus be emotionally unavailable.

    What a day…oh, and it came to me, I will not be graded on my Mother Test, until my daughters have daughters of their own….and I can see the pattern of mothering.

    It broke my heart in so many places to see how my mother tried to mother and its result and how I took that and tried to mother…and then the struggle to be an abandoned daughter, without knowing how….mother my daughters differently. 

    This too, you can't see while you are in it….you can only see it as you emerge on the other side.  And you can't know if you are making progress…the evidence is down the road…not to be seen as this time.

    I felt different when my daughter left, and thought it was to be one woman less in my home, but what I really feel it is now, is the completion of my exam.  I completed that section.  

    An abandoned child (woman) with a broken heart, opened herself to be emotionally available to her children.  In order to save my own daughters, I had to name my truths, feel my broken heart and feel my own emotions.

    What I also feel, is that this is a work in progress….just because I am open, it will take time for my daughters to feel safe with me.  A broken heart is an open heart. 





  • Deviating from What is Standard.

    Our training last night was so revealing to me on so many levels.  

    We do role playing on the phones.  Meaning, a person is the caller and we are the liners (on the crisis line) and we then get a feel for the type of a calls and what is helpful and what is not.

    What came out last night was very interesting.  How as you sit listening, you yourself and your experience history can become a block for the person on the line. Unknowingly, you are not as free to explore their pain.  

    This unconscious belief is there, and it blocks you from moving, and you don't even know it…until it is pointed out.

    As one person is in the hot seat (being a liner) the rest of us are watching.  And being a witness to the call and not on it, you are so wise, for your unconscious issues are not threatened.  

    What I thought about as I was falling to sleep, is that we all can solve issues and problems in anothers life, especially just witnessing it and not being actively engaged in it.  However, become engaged, and your unconscious pain and wounds will not let you respond freely, you will hit a wall.

    You will only explore as far as you yourself have gone…you move up to the wall of uncomfortable, but not beyond it.  And, if you are watching the dialogue, BUT not in it, you are free to explore options, for your own unconsciousness is not engaged.

    But, put yourself into the scene, and you freeze.

    Wildly intriguing to see…and extremely telling in how we operate in life.  Very good at knowing what to do as long as we are not engaged in real life.  

    I can see as a therapist, that they will unknowingly have blocks that will block exits and pathways to healing, depending upon their own life experiences.  

    If you are seeing a therapist and it feels like you are making no progress, IT very well may be because, they can only take you so far.  

    And, it also came to me, that if your support system is all from the same stock, you may just stir the pot, but never find a solution or healing way out.

    I can see I missed my calling or perhaps I am just entering into it.  I thoroughly am engrossed in the how abuse is spoken of, not spoken of, how it manifests in lives, how it is treated, how abused individuals act and how it is best to respond, etc.  

    Widening the circle of understanding the human psyche and how abuse impacts your living and the unconscious beliefs that stunt your growth and turns your life into an anomaly.

    I looked up the word, Anomaly…making sure I had the correct meaning.

    "Something that deviates from what is standard, normal, or expected."

    This anomaly…my father deviating from what is normal, then created in me the same.  I became an anomaly when I didn't act as expected or what is normal or standard.  Meaning, I didn't run screaming and report it.

    However, I do have this one memory that I did tell…well, I showed, my private parts to my mother in severe pain…And she deviated from what was standard, normal or expected.  Nothing was done.  She didn't leave my father or bring him to the court of the land.  When they didn't act as expected, I learned that in our home, our normal was to act different from the standards or what is expected.

    It wasn't that the child didn't act normal, she did, but she witnessed how abuse was dealt with, how others responded.  They didn't act like she did…while her alarm screamed in pain, they were the opposite.  No reaction.

    It is this non-reaction that we notice.  That it is our three alarm fire, not theirs.  We are acting incorrectly. When my mother didn't respond in kind, I had to as a child read the message that all was okay.  No reason for panic.  Settle down, it is all right.

    Her deviation from a standard mother's response, is all it took for me to take cues in how to react to abusive behavior…calmly as if it is okay…no more than a scrapped knee.  

    Her reactions programmed mine.

    This anomaly is the set point for our family…deviating from what is standard.



  • My Journey in Fabric.

    I had to go and hang up the Storyline quilts….and with a cursory glance to get them in order, I was totally amazed…and this is without their personal one on one time with me.  Wow.  (I know it sounds odd that I, the girl who made them, is a bit late to the game of understanding them…the message goes beyond the workmanship, the colors and the designs.)

    Here are a few highlights.

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    The first quilt is what I created to depict, "dropping the ego" and how you would rise when this happened.  The second quilt was about meditation and it just so happened that the background has a butterfly, a sign of transformation.

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    This third one is titled, "Soul Lost" and standing back, it appears to be a large hand taking or pulling the soul ( moon slice, out of the quagmire…..This I have never seen in the quilt before, it was just a mish mash mess and the halfmoon cresent of gold.

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    The pink one shows one ball untangled from the mess and is floating free…and ironically or not, a person appears on a floating ball in the second. (The second one, I just pulled from going to Marquette this morning.)

    What blows my mind is that these were all made 'randomly' and separately, a confused lady playing in fabric…quilting to find peace away from her upside down world and mental mind.

    Unbelievable, and it is me who chose the fabric, played with color and design…to see the connection and progression these have.  

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    And the little quilt shows the lady arising out the energy….like the whole background is the content of the ball of energy she rode out on.  

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    And to see these two side by each, you can see the size difference as well as her movement and overall energy.

    It will be an amazing process to get these in a book, to find a blog post, or perhaps write from scratch.  There are over twenty at least that will be included.  


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    There are more, but these seemed to be the main line….This collection will be on display at the Strawberry Festival Quilt show in July….the Saturday after the 4th.

    I can't wait to begin to work with this whole line and see my journey in fabric.

  • The Story of Becoming Me

    In reading the comments on the Extoots Blog, I marvel at the secrecy and how they hide their identities…while commenting freely about their religion; either why they stay or why they left.

    It is like they are talking about a government that will harm them IF they are found to be in noncompliance…or plotting to leave is punishable.  

    How is this a free religion when fear is so instilled in grown adults…where they are able to vote, drive and drink…but God forbid they speak up about a religion, so they leave their names out.

    It continues to shock me….but not surprise me. 

    Fear is what keeps them hiding their true identity….like criminals almost.  Or folks on TV, who, out of fear, distort their images and voices.  

    Isn't it odd that fear is the overlying sentiment and not enthusiasm for finding a new pathway, a truer life for themselves…or being so happy within their religion.

    I can respect their wishes, but if they only knew how self defeating it is to hide their truths.  

    By standing up and saying their names and standing with the truth of why they left or why they remain inside is very powerful.  

    It isn't about the religion itself, but the power of being proud of who you are.

    I don't know if it is like this when you leave all churches, but it sure seems that there are many people who are not willing to openly admit that they are no longer members of the FALC church and why….let alone speak it using their real names.

    However, I recall knowing I no longer matched the religion and wondered how I would tell my mother, how I would leave and what it would mean to my children to stop going. Funny, but sad…the reasons had nothing to do about me, but more to do about the folks around me.

    Once the investigation about my father happened, the door swung open easily…I didn't stay for others, I left for me.

    I didn't hesitate.  I didn't hide.  I left with the fullest of understanding, what I was leaving…even if I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up.  It didn't matter what others thought or said.  I followed my inner voice, my guts, my feelings and never, not once, have ever looked back with regret.

    How can I regret being Me?  

    How can I regret my truth?

    What I know for sure, is that you can't know what freedom is, until you have experienced being controlled.

    You could say, that religion brought me to freedom. 

    Just as living in a dysfunctional family brought me to know what love and wholeness was…I had to first learn what it was not.  

    Loving that I don't have to live anonymously!  I love that I get to live fully exposed as Me!  There is no part of me I want to hide…

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    Part of My Story Line Quilts….the story of becoming Me!

  • I will Dance in Mine!

    "I am often surprised and humbled by how quickly in my insecurity I can begin to assume responsibility for all the wrongs and sufferings I see around me.  When thrown off-center, when old patterns return, when feeling exhausted or depressed, I so quickly become the exaggerated cause of all that is not right with the world."  

    "I know I am not alone in this.  Perhaps it is one of the laws of emotional weather; sudden lows result in isolated storms.  It has happened to me enough over the years that I have to acknowledge the power of Negative Self-Centeredness.  We typically think of the ego-centered as being conceited and self-inflated and quite selfish.  But this recurring struggle with exaggerated responsibility has made me realize that more often we are ego-centered with feeling deflated, when feeling shaken from our sense of oneness with things.  In that place of separation, we become darkly self-centered, blaming ourselves for not fixing things or making things right or for letting bad things happen. Underneath these self-recriminations is the grandiose assumption that we have the power, in the first place, to control events that are really beyond any human being's influence."

    "Certainly, we affect each other, and often, but to assume that other people's inner moods hinge on my presence is an egocentric way to keep myself in a cycle of sacrifice and guilt.  Further, to assume that another's condition or way of being in the world hinges on my presence is the beginning of self-oppression and co-dependence.  In extreme moments of negative self-centeredness, we can assume magical proportions of burden, in which we feel acutely responsible for a loved one's illness or misfortune because we weren't good enough or perfect enough."  Mark Nepo

    In the past few days, okay 53 years, I have experienced this negative self-centeredness.  It is truly an awful feeling…feeling responsible for others…I just had not thought of how incredibly "special" I was trying to make myself and then how "unspecial" the other feels…when I take on their responsibilities.

    However I have been getting better at dropping the responsibility and letting others carry themselves.  Yet, there are moments when I do pick them up for a few days and carry them along. And it is true, I do see them as less while I carry them.

    And at first glance, at least to me, it seems harsh to not pick them up…when with my limited knowledge it seems they "Need" me…(even if they have not asked…)

    My body has bore the brunt of this negative self-centeredness and it responds quickly when my mind stirs up another's life…I get a sharp clutching knot in my neck…the strain of mentally being responsible in a life that isn't mine.

    In yoga today, I had a mantra, that I released in different poses, to let go of the tightness of being in control, while clearly not capable of being…"I am responsible just for me!"….or "I am not responsible in other lives."

    If I had to boil down my dysfunction to one pattern that I repeat time and time again, it is this one.  Negative Self Centeredness. 

    Who knew that in jumping into lives I was pushing in ahead them and their God and Universe…wow.

    Hard to justify the two…for at first glance it appears to be 'helpful'…caring even…when I was actually putting them down as I got in front of their God.

    What I do love, is that at the end of the day, and the end of tossing around thoughts in my head, all I am responsible for is Me.

    Today I pushed aside the cape of rescuing someone by being responsible, and focused instead on my Art. Thankfully I have a place I can go that will shove aside the voices urging me to don my cape and get involved. 

    Here is what I did instead of playing God in someone's life today…

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    I love the Ladies dancing to their own beat…For each of us hears life and move in the way we feel best.

    Dance to the feelings of your Life…and I will dance in mine!

     

     

  • Live where I was Planted.

    "In nature, we are quietly given countless models of how to give ourselves over to what appears dark and hopeless, but which ultimately is an awakening. This moving through the dark into blossom is the threshold of God."

    "As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace.  The courage of the seed is that once cracking, it cracks all the way."  Mark Nepo

    Nature truly is remarkable Grace.  

    Nature is the only place I clung to when the rest of my world was falling apart. It demonstration time and time again as  how to live life.  

    It is perfectly orchestrated and never resists…but flows in harmony.  Each part of nature stands as itself in its full glory.  It doesn't know how to be fake or pretend…it just is.

    Watching nature helped me be me…to find peace and live where I was planted.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri