I M Perfect lady

Tag: life

  • Loving For Me.

    "I wonder, Why you stopping talking at Mom for long time?You need be forgive in your past and let go angry for some reason? You never to know if Mom is gone and you might feel guilty for real. I did forgive what my dad did and time to move on. Please do not waste your time for angry or hate on her. Remember, no one is perfect and you need learn a solve problem. It not hard? Right? Today is new day and do not looking a past.  If you keep emotional, that is not good health. I want to see my family be happy and love anyone!"  Jay Huhta writes on facebook last night.  

    A few entries of my sisters line up beneath…directed at him.

    "you are wise 🙂 Remember Jay, everyone thinks differently and all we can do is respect that….You are sweet Jay, I love you….You are all heart, love you."

    Interesting exchange, it is like there are two conversations.

    And my dialogue would make it three…

    The questions and guilt are always directed at me.  Love and kindness to those who forgive and forget.

    She isn't asked a thing.  

    Nothing is expected from her at all, she is granted all things due to her title, "Mom".  

    Our broken relationship is all my problem; I broke the family pattern, I stepped out of the cycle of abuse, and I am wrong.

    Assumptions are made that I am angry and hateful…that unless I am loving towards abusive people I will feel guilty.

    I used to feel that way, I used to be locked into a frozen stance where no matter what, the only emotion I was allowed to use was love and forgiveness; forgiveness in the abusive sense, of forgetting the abusive actions of changing the past and wiping out the bad things.  Returning that person back to nice.

    My actions are seen as negative, for I will not let go of the past.  I will keep the past as it is, pristine in all its glory, changing nothing.

    I will keep a full image of my father and of his wife and of all they have done to me.  The good, the bad and the very ugly. All of it stays in my book, I will rip no pages out.

    It is written down in the truth of the universe, and you simply can't change what has been done.

    It works beautifully for them to not add the negative things, then you get to keep a kind loving mom and dad.

    My refusing to subtract the hurtful behaviors has my view of my parents totally different that of my siblings.

    The label "Mother and Father" has them capitulating…and I refuse.

    I refuse to go along with allowing abuse.  I know they hate to hear that, I know they want me to believe that they too are taking a tough stand against abuse, that they too will be vigilant. 

    What they want is to have both.

    Standing against abuse and have a happy loving family.  

    Impossible.  

    It literally is not possible when the father is a pedophile and the mother blesses his 'sin's of rapes and fondling away.  

    In a family where abuse lives, you can't stand against it, Unless you stand against the abusers.  It is not my choice that the abusers happen to be my father and mother.  It isn't my choice that those who supported them, happen to be my sisters and brothers.  I stand against abuse, no matter who is wearing it.

    What they call love is to capitulate for abuse; to surrender the facts, the truths and keep a happy loving family.  

    And if you don't forgive and forget you will feel guilty.

    I won't.  

    The only guilt I have felt is for all the years I went along with the abusive family, for supporting her and forgiving him. My guilt is for the first 46 years, and my actions to keep silent about abuse.  I have no guilt about my last 7 years.

    No regrets, none. 

    All my behaviors were perfect for me.  Perfect for someone learning to walk away from abuse. In my confused backwards state; all the actions I took were exactly as they should be.  

    My journey away from abuse began in a state that the abuse had put me in.  Mental, upside down and backwards, with defintions of love completely wrong, disassociated from feelings and emotions and a sense of self.

    I did my best in the state I found myself in.

    I am proud of my last 7 years…it is a huge accomplishment of healing from abuse.  While I see this as a positive, my family still back within the 'loving' confines of family see it negatively.

    And they should.

    We haven't seen eye to eye on this for 7 years.

    Our eyes are focusing on two different things.

    Seeing abuse from two drastically different vantage points.  

    One is to see what my parents need, and the other what the abused child needs.

    My vision cleared and I was able to see the child's needs.

    Mine.  Where in the past, I too could only see what was best for my mother, my father and to keep a family together.  And in doing so, I failed to speak up about abuse and abuse ran through our family into the second generation…for 40 years.

    For 40 years I didn't see me.

    Now I do. 

    And I feel no anger or hatetred nor do I feel guilt in seeing me.

    When I see the abuse in me, I can see the abuse in others.

    When I love myself.  I love myself enough to walk away from abuse…even if it is wearing the label dad/mom.

    Love of self and being in that family were impossible to do.

    I feel very blessed and full of grace that I was able to finally see me.

    I found me in a battered and broken state, but have walked myself into a place that is totally loving for me.  

     

     

  • Days to Slip By

    My brother's Excel class had him calculating out the number of days he has lived so far, and I did the same.  Today is number 19,365 for me!

    That is how many mornings I woke up and seen a new day.

    Yet for the first many thousands, I woke up living my life frozen in a pattern that was preset and one that seemed my destiny.

    I even recall feeling the panic feelings of not being able to stop the way I was living, that there were so many people attached to the movement of my life. That me changing would be too disruptive, but that at some point, they will need me less and then there will be an opportunity to be free.

    The more I explored how stuck I was, the more I wanted to live differently, but I had no idea how to suddenly change my life.  

    And then, Life seemed to suddenly change…and I followed it. But this time, I did it completely different.  I hadn't realized at the time that I was going to transform my whole life.   All I was doing was following my body and my feelings.

    I just hadn't realized realized realized, that I hadn't been living my life from the inside out.  I didn't really know how much of my life was lived for others, Until it came to me to follow my body and feelings.

    The huge amounts of changes that ensued showed me how much of me and my life had been lived for others…and by me being fake.

    I wouldn't have called it living fake, I would have said, "I am putting aside my feelings and my life unselfishly to make another happy." Believing that this is a kind and loving thing to do.

    I lived 16, 775 days (yep I did the math 😉 pushing aside my feelings in order to make another happy.  I lived disconnected from my body, disassociated from my emotions, and very focused on others…for thousands of days.

    I would awaken each day carrying many lives upon my shoulders…worrying, wondering, thinking, and pondering their lives, giving very little thoughts to me and my life.  My life was their life.

    I had me pushed so far back, there wasn't but a teeny bit of me showing. 

    It seems impossible now.  It seems scary to me to live a life with so little of me showing. To live without access to my feelings and emotions, to live stoically and remotely.  To shut down and close off my life in order for another to be happy and at peace.  

    You can't go and get those days back, they have been breathed, lived and passed by.  How much I missed, I can't even begin to imagine, how many emotions I pushed down and away for the sake of anothers is unreal.  How they fit all stuffed within my body is remarkable…

    For all that I stuffed down and away…never left.  They just rode along waiting for me to one day focus on me.

    The day I realized the truth of my life, the fact that my body has kept secure all my emotions, that none slipped by and away, was the day I began to live each day as me.  

    I began to feel…and feel and feel. Emotions washed over me, the terror, the helplessness, the empty trust, the negative feelings I had not looked at all came rushing in.  Thirsty for me to feel.  And I did.

    My days were filled with past emotions and it felt like living on steroids.  Eventually, the dam of emotions fell to a trickle…and I was able to live this day.

    This day as it arrived, this emotion as it came, this moment in time…fully present.

    I have lived without emotions or my feelings and it is a careless way to live. It leaves you caring less about your self.  

    Living days without a self isn't living…it is going through the motions without feelings…it is like living without a body or awareness.  

    Guess it is called unconscious being.

    Trauma woke me up and actually trauma put me asleep…

    I have lived life both ways, and there is no contest; being able to feel and allow each emotion to see the light of day is the only way to live.

    Otherwise you are just breathing, unaware…counting years and allowing days to slip by.

     

  • Peace Is.

    What I read about the lower levels, (below 200 in consciousness) caught my attention. 

    "A prime difficulty with thoughts and behaviors associated with the energy fields below 200 is that they cause counterreactions. A familiar law of the observable universe is that force results in equal and opposite counterforce; all attacks, therefore, whether mental or physical result in countreattacks. Malice literally makes you sick; we're always the victims of our own vindictiveness.  Even secret hostile thoughts result in a physiological attack on one's own body." David Hawkins, Power vs Force

     

    As you are caught up in blaming and pointing fingers and attacking others, you are actually loading the gun to come back at you.  

    If it hadn't been for Byron Katie and her brilliant turn around, where I could see that who I was really hollering at was me, I would have kept loading the guns and attacking others.  Instead I got very busy unloading my anger guns.

    I have been very busy learning about the human mind, the psyche, and now the levels of awareness and energy that all contribute to the way a human being is…to say nothing of the treatment and beliefs they were taught as a child.  Incredible that we even have any coherent beings walking this planet.

    And it is my belief, the more we learn about what doesn't work, the more we can learn about what does.  And our exquisite bodies are the key to unlocking all the mysteries.  As Deepak Chopra has stated, "the mind is manifested in the body," and an angry mind creates disease. 

    I have found my ease and peace by learning about how truth or untruth affects my body and how I live my life.  

    I have learned by reading and doing, that what I put out indeed comes right back.  There is no one out there to blame for my life but me.  

    David writes about peace.

    "Peace can't be created this way; peace is the natural state of affairs when what's preventing it is removed.  Relatively few people are genuinely committed to peace as a realistic goal, for in their private lives, most people prefer being "right" at whatever cost to their relationships or themselves.  A self justified positionality is the real enemy of peace.  When solutions are sought on the level of coercion, no peaceful resolutions are possible."

    What I love is that peace is the natural state of affairs, when you remove what is preventing peace…peace is.

    I had no idea that I had such huge mountains of stuff preventing me peace!  When you can get to the place of loving what is, peace is.

     

  • Who are You Bringing to This New Year?

    I made no resolutions for this upcoming year; I promised it nothing, hoped on even less, and expect zero from the year…for I now realize it isn't up to a year, an event, a somebody or something to deliver to me that which I desire…it is up to me.

    Expecting things from a new year is pretty much hopeless, for the year is waiting on you.

    You and only you will make 2012 a year to be remembered.

    However you spent last year, you will spend this year, Unless and Until you change that which you are doing, saying and being.

    Last year for me was one of great learning, yet on the outside the average person wouldn't have been able to see the inner changes that went on inside.

    My letting go on the inside was big.  Letting go of things having to be a certain way or expecting things flowing and following a certain trail…disappeared.  

    I had been slowly loosening my grip on controlling things, and last year I was shown clearly how it isn't up to me. 

    While it is discerning to stand in a place of No Hope, No Expectations, No Control….it is very freeing. It isn't that I am hopeless, but that I am no longer hoping for things to be different than they are, nor are my expectations exceeding that which the Universe delivers.

    I feel that I am closer than ever to being on the thin line of Now…and singing the same words of the Universe; One verse.

    Just as I can't expect my body to lose weight without me participating, I can't expect the New Year to improve without me being an active partner.

    The year is just a pile of days and how we live each day builds up the flavor of the New Year…and really each moment of every day.

    Somehow we overlook this moment in time.

    Yet yesterday was the first day we added to the Pile called New Year, what was it full of???  Today is the second helping we are adding, what are you doing today?

    The year is of your making…this year is one in your life…Your life is being drawn as you walk through your days.  What you do each day is you.  

    Each day you live your authentic truthful self is singing with the Universe…each day you put aside your feelings, and not say what you need to say, is another day given to denial.

    We keep thinking denial is a big thing, but it is actually many little moments that go by where we are not ourselves.

    We keep expecting the year to deliver to us authenticity, realness, truth, and strength, when it is our choice in each moment of each new year, that decides if our year will actually make a new us.

    We somehow see the new year as a clean slate, when actually it is a year of new moments awaiting a new you.  A you that will arrive that will make a new choice.

    The only way you will get a new year, is if the you who arrives at each new day is willing to act and speak differently.  

    The year follows you…not you it.

    We somehow have this all backwards, that you can leap upon the back of a white new year and be totally different, that the year will save you, create a newness that hasn't been part of you prior.

    When in fact, just as we wake up to each day and greet each moment of time, we too step into the new year.

    It isn't about the year….it is about the You in the year.

    You bring all of you to this new year.  All your actions of past sit with you as you sit staring at the new year.

    Who did you bring to this new year?

    What does she look like and act like?

    Is she someone you would want as a friend and trust as a partner?  

    We keep looking for the year to change us into someone we may like or even love better, when the year has zero power.

    Each of us brings to the year a self…and each of us is the designer and creator of that self.

    A successful year to me is one that has required more and more of me and challenged me to be more of myself, not less.  It has shown me places where I didn't arrive, where I denied myself and ducked in order to be 'liked/approved of/or loved.

    What I bring to this year, is a me that wants to uncover more aspects of me that are not authentic. I want to live at peace with who I am and love being me…and finding joy along the way.  

    Who are you bringing to this New Year?  

     

     

     

  • More Peace in 2012

    "Power vs Force" by David Hawkins.  

    He writes explaining the difference between Power and Force.

    "On examination, we'll see that power arises from meaning. It has to do with motive, and it has to do with principle.  Power is always associated with that which supports the significance of life itself.  It appeals to that part of human nature that we call noble – in contrast to force, which appeals to that which we call crass.  Power appeals to what uplifts, dignifies, and ennobles.  Force mus always be justified, whereas power requires no justification. Force is associated with the partial, power with the whole."

    "If we analyze the nature of force, it becomes readily apparent why it must succumb to power; this is in accordance with one of the basic laws of physics. Because force automatically creates counter-force, its effect is limited by definition.  We could say that force is a movement – It goes from here to there (or tries to) against opposition.  Power, on the other hand, is still.  It's like a standing field that doesn't move. Gravity itself, for instance, doesn't move against anything. Its power moves all objects within its field, but the gravity field itself does not move."

     "Force always moves against something, whereas power doesn't move against anything at all.  Force is incomplete and therefore has to be fed energy constantly.  Power is total and complete in itself and requires nothing from outside."

    "It makes no demands; it has no needs.  Because force has an insatiable appetite, it constantly consumes.  Power, in contrast, energizes, gives forth, supplies, and supports."

    "Power gives life and energy – force takes these away. We notice that power is associated with compassion and makes us feel positively about ourselves.  Force is associated with judgment and makes us feel poorly about ourselves."

    "Force always creates counterforce; its effect is to polarize rather than unify.  Polarization always implies conflict; its cost, therefore, is always high. Because force incites polarization, it inevitably produces a win/lose dichotomy; and because somebody always loses, enemies are created.  Constantly faced with enemies, force requires constant defense. Defensiveness is invariably costly, whether in the marketplace, politics, or international affairs."

    "In looking for the source of power, we've noted that it's associated with meaning, and this meaning has to do with the significance of life itself.  Force is concrete, literal, and arguable.  It requires proof and support. The sources of power, however, are inarguable and aren't subject to proof. The self-evident isn't arguable.  That health is more important than disease, that life is more important than death, that honor is preferable to dishonor, that faith and trust are preferable to doubt and cynicism, that the constructive is preferable to the destructive – all are self-evident statements not subject to proof. Ultimately, the only thing we can say about a source of power is that it just "is."

    "Every civilization is characterized by native principles.  if the priciples of a civilization are noble, it succeeds; if they're selfish it fails. As a term, principles may sound abstract, but the consequences of principle are quite concrete.  If we examine principles, we'll see that they reside in an invisible realm within consciousness itself.  Although we can point out examples of honesty in the world, honesty itself as an organizing principle central to civilization does not independently exist anywhere in the external world.  True power, hen emanates from consciousness itself; what we see is a visible manifestation of the invisible."

    "Pride, nobility of purpose, sacrifice for quality of life – all such things are considered inspirational, giving life significance. But what actually inspires us in the physical world are things that symbolize concepts with powerful meanings for us. Such symbols realign our motives wiht abstract principle.  A symbol can marshall great power because of the principle that already resides within our consciousness."

    Meaning is so important that when life losses meaning, suicide commonly ensues. When life loses meaning, we first go into depression; when life becomes sufficiently meaningless, we leave it altogether.  Force has transient goals; when those goals are reached, the emptiness of meaninglessness remains.  Power, on the other hand, motivates us endlessly.  If our lives are dedicated, for instance, to enhancing the welfare of everyone we contact, our lives can never lose meaning. If the purpose of our life, on the other hand, is financial success, what happens after it's been attained? This is one of the primary causes of depression in middleaged men and women."

    "The disillusionment of emptiness comes from failing to align one's life with the principles from which power originates. A useful illustration of this phenomenon can be seen in the lives of great musicians, composers, and conductors of our own times.  How frequently they continue productive careers into their 80's and 90's, often having children and living vigorously until a ripe old age! Their lives have been dedicated to the creation and embodiement of beauty, which incorporates and expresses enormous power.  We know clinically that alignment with beauty is associated with longevity and vigor -because beauty is a function of creativity, such longevity is common in all creative occupations."  David Hawkins.

    "Force always moves against something," is the line that really caught my eye. For I can tell immediately when I bump into force energy, they are always prepared for battle…seeing first the potential enemy before friend, they react in fear.

    When I meet someone who operates in power, they are open minded, trusting, vulnerable, honest, safe…and there is nothing I can do to rattle their cage.

    The complete opposite of folks who operate on Force.  There is nothing you can do to prove trustworthiness, for they don't even entertain the idea, for they can't relax and let anyone in.

    Dysfunctional families operate purely on force.

    What I find is that there is nothing you as an individual can do to prove your own worthiness, for they see the world from their own front porch, and inside is unworthiness.

    The view of the world is that of force…nothing is gained unless it is forced.  They are afraid of no force living, of allowing and giving freedom, of entertaining the idea of self empowerment.

    Power like gravity doesn't move against anything…it simply just is.

    I am no longer against anyone, I am with me.

    I walk not to prove anything, I walk with me.

    There is a huge and slight difference between power and force and by chosing one or the other; the whole world changes.

    Each person that switches their lives from force to power, creates a ripple affect, and there is one less person who has an enemy to fight…

    Peace on Earth happens one person at a time…May there be more peace in 2012.

     

     

     

  • Transformed by awareness.

    This is my third reading of the book, "Power vs Force" by David Hawkins. And this time I am understanding the broader picture of the levels of energy/consciousness we all are traveling in.

    He rates the levels from 20 to 1,000.

    "Energy Level 30: Guilt"

    "Guilt, so commonly used in our society to manipulate and punish, manifests itself in a variety of expressions, such as remorse, self-recrimination, and the whole gamut of symptoms of victim-hood.  Unconscious Guilt results in psychosomatic disease, accident-proneness, and suicidal behaviors.  Many people who struggle with Guilt their entire lives, while other desperately attempt escape by amorally denying it altogether."

    "Guilt domination results in a preoccupation with "sin," an unforgiving emotional attitude frequently exploited by religious demagogues, who use it for coercion and control. Such "sin-and-salvation" merchants, obsessed with punishment, are likely either acting out their own guilt, or projecting it on to others."

    "Subcultures displaying the aberration of self-flagellation often manifest other regional forms of cruelty, such as the public, ritual killing of animals.  Guilt provokes rage, and killing frequently is its expression. Capital punishment is an example of how killing gratifies a Guilt-ridden populace.  Our unforgiving American society, for instance, scorns its victims in the press and metes out punishments that have never been demonstrated to have any deterrent or corrective value."  David Hawkins.

    What is so shocking is the "Sin-Salvation" equation is the impetus for the FALC.  It is at the level of 30.  Jesus is at 1,000.  Wow.

    Energy Level 100 is Fear.

    "At the Level of 100, a lot more life energy is available – Fear of danger is healthy. Fear runs much of the world, spurring on endless activity. Fear of old enemies, of old age, or death, of rejection, and a multitude of social fears are basic motivators in most people's lives."

    "From the viewpoint of this level, the world looks hazardous, full of traps and threats. Fear is the favored official tool for control by oppressive totalitarian agencies, and insecurity is the stock-in-trade of manipulators of the marketplace…"  David

    Fear is the favored official tool FOR CONTROL.  It seems such backwards way of living to me.  However, I used to live by these standards…

    Rising from Fear is, Desire 125, then Anger at 150…to Pride at 175.

    "In contrast to the lower energy fields, people feel positive as they reach this level.  This rise in self-esteem is a balm to all the pain experienced at lower levels of consciousness.  Pride looks good and knows it; it struts its stuff in the parade of life."

    "Pride is far enough removed from Shame (20) Guilt, or Fear that to rise, for instance, out of the despair of the ghetto to the self respect of being a Marine is an enormous jump."

    "Pride generally has a good reputation and is socially encouraged, yet as we see from the levels of consciousness, it's sufficiently negative to remain below the critical level of 200.  This is why Pride feels good only in contrast to the lower levels."

    "The problem, as we all know, is that "Pride goeth before a fall." Pride is defensive and vulnerable because it's dependent upon external conditions, without which it can suddenly revert to a lower level.  The inflated ego is vulnerable to attack.  Pride remains weak because it can be knocked off its pedestal back to Shame, which is the threat that fires fear of Loss and Pride."

    "Pride is divisive and gives rise to factionalism: the consequences are costly.  Man has habitually died for Pride – armies still regularly slaughter each other for that aspect of it called nationalism. Religious wars, political terrorism and zealotry, the ghastly history of the Middle East and Central Europe – these are all the price of Pride, which all of society pays."

    "The downside of Pride is arrogance and denial. These characteristics block growth; in Pride, recovery from addictions is impossible because emotional problems or character defects are denied. The whole problem of denial is one of Pride.  Thus Pride is a sizable block to the acquisition of real power, which displaces Pride with true stature and prestige."  David

    Imagine, that Pride is the last step before courage or truth.  It is the last level in the lower levels, below 200.  And denial holds you there.

    The lower level operates on force, fear and denial….and in order to get to the upper level, you have to admit your character defects.

    And in the FALC, to see your character defects, would mean dragging up your sins from the past…  

    Reading this for the third time, I am understanding it at a different level, and realizing the energies of people truly account for their behavior.  You really can't expect them to act above their level.

    And looking at life from above 200 looks completely different from beneath.  One is based on fear of the truth an the other is based on loving the truth.

    Isn't there a song that says…."I've looked at life from bothsides now…"

    What an incredible journey up through the levels of consciousness and to see life completely transformed by awareness.

  • Bring to Christmas

    Just being me on Christmas is a huge peaceful relief…no stress is lurking, (now that the mail volume will begin to decrease) and I didn't string up any expectations or false ideals of anyone.

    In the past, I would plunge down deep after Christmas, but it was due to all the expectations and hopes I put into Christmas…and their failure would leave me empty hollow and down.

    It is insane how the mind can expect the undeliverable and believe it.  How I would believe that the Christmas season could change people, and like magic they would realize or see things that hadn't before…

    When in fact, it seems that what is off is really off on Christmas…instead of healing things, it magnifies them.

    And the opposite is true too.  When you are filled with love and peace about yourself and your life, Christmas arrives and there is nothing to want.  For you already want what you have.

    I feel such great emptiness of hopes…I am not standing on a mountain, that I will have to fall from tomorrow and for weeks afterward.  Instead I come to Christmas needing nothing from anyone…it was never about the gifts, but rather the Feelings I wanted from them.

    I wanted them to feel this or that way towards me….

    I wanted to feel this or that way towards them.  No matter who they or them was.  I always arrived with false expectations and in the state of need.

    When I arrive at Christmas empty of expectations and hope, I can sit in peace and let it all be.  

    Loving me and accepting me is the greatest thing I can bring to Christmas; if I am Merry with me, Christmas doesn't have to make me Merry.

    Just as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says, "each of us are responsible for the energy we bring into the room," it is up to us to bring Merry to Christmas.

    I love that I have a Merry me to bring to Christmas….

  • Christmas Is Always Within Me

    I have been sitting and looking or feeling Christmas this year and in a much different place.  In the past Christmas came in and swept me up and carried me off…filling me with huge expectations of me and wildly false expectations of others. It seemed the magic of Christmas was about changing my life.

    It was suppose to ease my burdens and replace resentments with love…it was I guess suppose to act like magic.  Where all I had to do was 'wish' and my wishes would be granted.

    If I believed.  And I wanted to believe that magically miracles would happen, and all I had to do was wish them so. That perhaps the right present would bring in happiness…that would stay the whole year through.

    Today, Christmas seems overly garnished on an already peaceful life, that none of the 'stuff' will make my life better…that the purpose of Christmas lost its purpose.

    Tis the season of love…seems odd, when love is always in season.

    My remembering of Jesus and how he lived is not set aside for certain days, but lived, always. 

    His birth represents to me, awareness that we all come from one God, we each are but a wave in the ocean of humanity…created by one God.  We are all equal…no one is more special than the other.

    In the past, when I felt less than, Christmas mattered more.  When I felt that it was Jesus or God's job to save me, make me happy etc, I was left in the place of always wanting. Waiting for the right gift, the right person, the right action, and then like magic, my life would change.

    Now that I realize, that what is bound on earth is bound in Heaven; when I consciously am aware that I am co-creating with God, that nothing happens without my active participation, that I am the center of my Universe, that He can only give back to me what which I send out…I am left without the magic of Christmas on this one special day…for I feel the Christmas magic in me always.

    My love isn't found underneath the tree, it is within me.

    My peace isn't when the right circumstances come together, peace is within me.

    Joy is knowing the meaning of Christmas is always within me.

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  • All of Life’s Realities.

    It is my 53rd Birthday, and I feel so young at heart yet wise beyond my years. I feel so wondrous in Spirit and the weight of a life's journey…Light but knowing the journey it took to get here.

    The Soul Lost quilt..

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    The "Soul Eclipse" was created in 2005.  When I felt like I was drowning in emotion and the only place I felt normal was in quilting. As you can see it came through on my quilt.  Merging emotions and the sliver of gold is my Soul trying to gain ground or a toe hold on 'normal'.  I seemed so small against the world of troubles…or the messes so large.

    And then I felt the urge to create a woman…

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    This was my first lady, emerging and in a dark shadow.  She is very small against the back drop of great patterns and designs and colors, she herself is small, yet crucial in the overall quilt.

    And then I felt like I wanted to do moving ladies….

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    The great Energy behind the ladies is still there, and the ladies are now moving and dancing.  The sisterhood of Ladies….who dance to the beat of their own drum, was something for me to aspire to.  I Loved my Lady.  I just didn't know that the Lady was me for many months of creating her. She was leading my way.

    She would tell me I was okay, long before I knew…and would express emotions that I had a hard time verbalizing or bringing into myself.  She got it…My Lady.

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    In November 2010, I made this Mitten Tree Quilt, and felt the weight of being a misfit, of no longer fitting into my family. It felt as heavy as the cloak the Lady is wearing. But, I was resigned to my life and accepted it with reverence.  I loved this quilt for it had so much truth and wisdom there…I was okay being me, even if I only fit on the Mitten Tree of Misfits.

    And then, I created my latest one this fall…

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    She is walking with definite knowing, and great direction, confident and very much okay with who she is, celebrating it even…not wearing it like a heavy garment.  Not only has she accepted her path, she is Perfectly Perfect being her…she wouldn't trade nothing for her journey now, as Dr. Maya Angelou says.  I M Perfect and it is impossible not to be….And I LoVe Being ME!

    A journey from imperfect to perfect, by accepting all of life's realities!

  • The Grieving Process

    I am rereading Melody Beatte's book, "Codependent No More," and I am very surprised to see how she spends a lot of time on the grieving process.

    She writes,

    ‎"A codependent person or a chemically dependent person may be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the same time. Denial, depression, bargaining, and anger may all come rushing in. We may not know what we're trying to accept. We may not even know we're struggling to accept a situation. We may simply feel like we've gone crazy"

    ‎"We may travel back and forth; from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from bargaining back to denial. Regardless of the speed and route we travel through these stages, we must travel through them. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross says it is not only a Normal Process, it is a necessary process, and each stage is necessary. We must ward off the blows of life until we are better prepared to deal with them. We must feel anger and pain and blame until we have gotten them out of our system…" 

     ‎"Grief, like any genuine emotion, is accompanied by certain physical changes and the release of a form of psychic energy. If that energy is not expended in the normal process of grieving, it becomes destructive within a person. Even physical illness can be a penalty for unresolved grief…" Melody

    ‎"Learn the Art of Acceptance. It's a lot of grief"  Melody

    This section in the book has opened my eyes to many things.  First that the five stages of grief don't run in a straight line, nor do they wait their turn, you can actually be flung from one to another in rapid succession AND, we can be processing many losses at one time.

    I can see the road I traveled and why. And I love that she (Elisabeth and Melody) allow us to be in our stages of grief for as long as it takes, that there are no rules, that we will PROCESS that which we need to process in our own time.

    I knew I was grieving, what I failed to appreciate was how many feelings I had repressed that had to be felt, as well as brand new ones that came in.

    Not only did I have to grieve the loss of a father and mother in my past, but had to do so in the present moment as well when they failed to act parental in this moment in time.  AND, to say nothing of processing my loss childhood and me…siblings, religion and all the trappings that go with.

    What I also wasn't truly understanding while I was living it, was that my feelings my feelings were the key to healing.

    She writes,

    "Another problem with repressed feelings is they don't go away. They linger, sometimes growing stronger and causing us to do many peculiar things. We have to stay one step ahead of the feelings, we have to stay busy, we have to do something. We don't dare get quiet and peaceful because we might then feel these emotions. And the feeling might squeak out anyway, causing us to do something we never intended to do; scream at the kids, kick the cat, spill on our favorite dress, or cry at the party. We get stuck in feelings because we are trying to repress them, and like a persistent neighbor, they will not go away until we acknowledge their presence."

    "The big reason for NOT repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose our positive feelings. We lose the ability to feel.  Sometimes, this may be a welcome relief if the pain becomes too great or too constant, but this in not a good plan for living. We may shut down our deep needs – our need to love and be loved – when we shut down our emotions. We may lose our ability to enjoy sex, the human touch. We may lose the ability to feel close to people, otherwise known as intimacy.  We lose our capacity to enjoy the pleasant things of life."

    "We lose touch with ourselves and our environment. We are no longer in touch with our instincts. We become unaware of what our feelings are telling us and any problems in our environment. We lose the motivating power of feelings.  If we aren't feeling we're probably not examining the thinking that goes with it, and we don't know what our selves are telling us. And if we don't deal with feelings we don't change and we don't grow. We stay stuck."  

    "Feelings may not always be a barrel of gladness, but repressing them can be downright miserable…" Melody

    When I let the gate open to ALL feelings, I was overwhelmed and flooded, lost in the sea of emotions.  I sat for days (really years) and just felt. I wrote and felt, and walked and felt and expressed and swore and hollered and vented. I cried and cried and sorrow poured from me…

    When I finally sat down to feel, I had 40 years worth of feeling to do.

    The past emotions clashed with my present day ones to be felt, and the volume was scary and volatile, I literally thought I was losing my mind, but what I was really doing was coming alive.

    I not only was feeling feelings on the darkest end of the spectrum, but I was at the same time feeling the most exquisite feelings of warmth, joy, peace, love.

    I was moved to tears by beauty.

    While it may be the scariest of rides, this ride through the grieving process, to accept the horrors of life, it also is the gateway into living an authentic feeling life.

    My feelings now are welcome, for I know the cost of repression AND how it really is an act that is futile; for unexpressed emotions never leave you….time travelers they have been called.  

    All you are doing is blocking ALL feelings. If you can't feel the sorrow, you will not be able to feel the love, the peace and the joy.

    I lived blocked, like a block of wood for way too long.  I now celebrate feeling!  It matters not to me what the feelings, are I accept them all.

    This book also offers to me and explanation for so many who are unable to walk in their truth…and feel.  It explains how they are not skipping around the mountain, but trying to hold it back…they can until they can't.  For now, they are not willing to leave that stage of the grieving process.