I M Perfect lady

Tag: love

  • She is watching you always!

    As I have been pondering, tossing and turning around in my head, how it is possible that the 4th generation is just beginning a relationship with the same pedophile, it occurred to me it was love and compassion that has kept this legacy going.

     

    I know it sounds nuts that such a kind sentiment can be the cause of this legacy continuing on, but it is.

     

    The third generation is just following the path of the second and the second of the first, the first being my mother.

     

    As my nephew goes to visit his grandpa, he is only doing what he has witnessed his mother do and his grandmother do since he was born.

     

    There is nothing unusual in his steps.

     

    His daughter will also watch and see how her father engages with this man and will follow his lead.  Her steps will echo his.

     

    There doesn’t need to be any words spoken, written or shouted to the moon, nope, just seeing how the adults in the room treat her great-grandfather is all she needs, she will mimic them all.

     

    Does it matter if her great-grandfather is on the sexual predator list, that he needs to be supervised around her, or that he has a long history of damaged little girls behind him?

     

    Nope, none of that information will stack up against the fact that her father is okay with this man, that her grandmother is fine having a relationship with him, and that is all that matters. 

     

    She will use them as her gauge, her monitor and her guide in what is acceptable in life and what is not.  She is being groomed to be comfortable with a pedophile, she is being taught not to fear him and she won’t.

     

    This one fact alone is what has allowed him to continue on, no one fears him they all love him.

     

    The ones that love him allow him access now, then and always, for they love without conditions.

     

    While most are looking at my father and his actions and watching diligently for him to make his move, no one is looking at the ones he is with.

     

    My mother was the first adult to know of his actions within our family tree, and her reaction were what we all followed to a tee.

    She never left him, had a consequence for his behavior within their relationship, she didn’t warn us of his disease, there were no outward signs in her behavior that would have sent us a signal, not one.

     

    Not once as far as my limited memory serves me did she ever act in fear of this man, not one time, never.

     

    What she instead always showed, was love, respect and normal petty complaints that two married people have, she never once suggested to me that his disease was ruining our lives, that it had ruined many, that the potential was there, that she feared for the safety of her girls, their girls and their girls, and their friends….

     

    Not once.

     

    Her actions have always been to love and support him, to show him compassion and caring, always.

     

    We only see actions, actions, actions.

    Words are meaningless unless and until an action follows.

     

    So as you tell me my fears are unfounded, that I have no reason to worry, I will tell you this.

     

    You are your mother’s daughter, you are doing exactly as she did and you will receive the same exact outcome.

     

    The legacy continues through you, your children and now your grandchildren.

     

    You are the one teaching them NOT to fear a pedophile, know it and own it.

     

    The little baby is without words but she is learning much already, she is watching you always!

     

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  • Love and control only me!

    I have had a lot of changes in the past five and a half years, and all of them have been perception changes, changes that had nothing to do with the other person, in fact I have changed no one, nor do I want to.

     

    While my life has changed dramatically, those who I now see differently didn’t change, I just changed the way I look at them.

     

    I am not certain if this makes sense to anyone but me, but it so wonderful to know that our job isn’t about doing work on other people, bending and twisting them into something that will make our lives better and then us better.

     

    We can make us better without any help from anyone; it is a one-person job.  You do it alone.

     

    Most of the work was done on looking at others in their reality, and then deciding upon if I wanted to participate in their lives.

     

    Giving myself the option to go in or get out, freed me in ways that’s unimaginable. 

     

    My reality went from needing others to do this and to do that, to wanting them this way and then that way, I was forever sitting down waiting for them to change, to be better, grow kinder and for sure see me waiting.  Always sitting helpless and hopeless and stuck on one level waiting, it was like they had the controls to my elevator!

     

    They controlled me until I realized I had a choice.

     

    Most will not take the choice when it is a parent or family member that has been at the controls of your elevator. 

     

    Somehow it seems less scary to ride along out of control, than it is to take control back from your parent.

     

    We believe that the mother/father whose hands are on the controls, love and control us.

     

    Now the words love and control going together seems way wrong. 

     

    What happened to the “if you love something, set it free…” quote.

     

    The most loving thing I did for myself was to learn how to control my own self.

     

    I was like a remote control toy finding out I could control myself.

     

    Imagine living a life where others controlled you to living a life where you controlled your self?

     

    The difference is so vast, and all that happened was I took over controlling this unit.

     

    Love and control only me!

     

     

     

  • Indifferent to Love.

    “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you're the easiest person to fool.”         

        Richard Feynman

     

    It is amazing to me how a fool will take my place, how the mental lady slips into my awareness and shields me from the truth and unbeknownst to me, a different view of reality is transposed upon a kind world.

     

    This happens when I am wide-awake, it happens slyly as I bend back into an old relationship, I revert back to my old persona and with it comes tricky glasses and my awareness turns the opposites into truths.

     

    I am the fool and the fooled, which seems the weirdest of all circus tricks!

     

    What is even weirder is that I believe the foolish tricks and lose sight and faith in reality, while focused on the trick being played out in front.

     

    The trick feeds upon my fears, each lending themselves to each other in a whirlwind or a cyclone spinning madness upon my reality, neither stops to see if there is evidence to the contrary in reality, just whirling around false truths and replacing good with bad and bad with good, like flipping a switch, my whole world becomes hostile and I am immediately tossed the coat of armor to stand in defense.

     

    My enemies are those that love me, my friends those who are indifferent, flopped upside down again, I am mad.

     

    Not mad in anger, but a mad woman who focuses her energies to change what is; breaking reality once again, by not seeing the truth as it lays naked.

     

    This mad woman doesn’t accept what is but stands with potential of change.  She believes in potential of change, not in what is right in front of her.

     

    How would you hold on to the potential for change?  Does potential for change have roots?  How does one know the direction potential of change is heading?  Is that a spot to sit upon?

     

    If I sat in the spot of “potential to change” what am I doing at that moment?  Am I moving or acting in reality, or am I just simply evading change.

     

    This land ‘potential for change’ is where I stored my whole family (childhood family).  And in doing so it spared me from feeling reality.

     

    If there is potential for change, there is hope.

    And where there is hope, reality slips away.

     

    (I had to go back to an old post to grab this quote that I loved, and I still do.)

     

    “If you give up hope, you will likely find your life is infinitely richer.  Here’s why:  When you live in hope, it’s usually because you’re avoiding reality.”  Gay Hendricks

     

    I was avoiding the finality of indifference. 

     

    While I was hoping their indifference would change, I was indifferent to the love at hand.

     

    In my reality my home has love where indifference once stood. 

     

    When mad, I am indifferent to love.

     

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  • Feminine Self

    My 40th yoga session followed right behind a two-hour Oprah interview with 4 sexual predators and a book I was reading called “The Flying Boy” by John Lee.

     

    As I began yoga and on the Standing Head to Knee pose, as I went to pick up my left leg, which is weak and unbendable the thought came to me, “my feminine side was crippled or broken” and tears began to flow.

     

    It was like my body felt relieved that I could acknowledge this.  I felt such compassion for the wounded feminine parts of me as I lovingly stood there on one leg holding my left/feminine side.

     

    This alone would be a huge gift on day 40, but on we go. 

     

    I get to the Balancing Stick pose and as I raise my hands above my head and I begin to breathe, another profound thought comes in, “I am only responsible for love and trust,” and again tears come and a huge lightness to my shoulders.  As I was breathing in I was feeling only being responsible for bringing trust and love to my relationship with my abuser, my father.

     

    I am innocent of being responsible or guilty for the abuse.

     

    I then proceed to hold the pose of Balancing Stick for all but the last one, for on that one, again I was eager to tell you about this, and lost the connection.

     

    Those are two gifts this yoga gave me today, the realization that my feminine side is damaged, but with good reason, and that I am free of carrying the weight of guilt and shame or blame.  My shoulders literally felt lighter yet again.

     

    As I went into the floor Separate Head to Knee, where my left hip usually screams, I told it, “it is okay I understand your hurt,” and I was able to do this without pain, not perfect, not farther, but with ease and more tears. 

     

    It is like I am recognizing the physical manifestations this body has held.

     

    An overwhelming sadness came in knowing that I have lived so long without this side, this softness, this trusting openness, how hard and stiff it has left me, struggling to be stronger, tougher, when what I needed was to be more relaxed and soft. 

     

    Bikram is right, “you have no idea what yoga can do for you, Yoga makes you you.”

     

    As one predator stated, “I killed the person she could have been.”  And he is right.  But they only win if we don’t bring her back!  I intend to return to my full healthy loving trusting feminine self!

     

  • I refuse to call it love when I feel fear.

    Don't pretend to be what you are not, don't refuse to be what you are. Nisagradatta Maharaj

     

    This seems so easy, like a very honorable and authentic way to be, and why would you want to do you differently?

     

    “Don’t pretend to be what you are not”.  What does that mean?

     

    To me it means to be what you feel, but what happens if you feel frightened of family, then what.

     

    It is an odd place to be in, where others feel comfortable and at home with family, I am uneasy, and feel shaky inside.

     

    And I have the key to stop the fear, to tame the beast called family.  I lie.

     

    I pretend to be what I am not, and then they will not holler at me, say mean things, and pretend to be happy with me.

     

    Does this make sense to you?

     

    If I pretend to go along with the flow of abuse and abusers, if I just quietly get back in line, they will all recede and go back to a false normal.

     

    I become a false me which allows them to be a false them.

    They can then pretend to be interested in me and I can pretend that I agree with them.

     

    We will be a pretend family, pretending to be comfortable with each other.

     

    How often in the past I pretended to go along, while inside I was in total disagreement?  How often did I toss aside who I was and pretended to agree?  Endlessly.

     

    My mother demanded her way or she would scorn her disproval, and we would get left feeling less than.

     

    I didn’t realize how much her way has influenced me in being a people pleaser and how hard it is to face the scorn and the withdrawal of love.

     

    Perhaps the withdrawal of love hurts more.

     

    I have heard rumors that I have two brothers in town, who came up for hunting, and it feels me with dread to happen upon them.

     

    It seems that life requires me to dip back into the waters of that family time and time again.

     

    “Time heals all wounds” is a downright lie.  The wounds in our relationship between sister and brother or sister and sister don’t heal with time.

     

    They are not healed magically after almost 5 years of absence, and my body and soul don’t forget their last words or their actions, it trembles when we face them yet again.

     

    I wonder about that?  I wonder what that means about me?

    Mostly I wonder if I will always respond to them that way?

     

    Wouldn’t it be worse to not tremble?

     

    Shouldn’t my body respond in kind when facing them?  Is it the correct response to someone bringing bad energy?

    It makes me feel better knowing that my body, reality and my knowing are all in agreement.  These folks are not coming to me bringing kindness and love.

     

    Even though it hurts to know that they want to harm me, it makes me feel better to stand firm with the sensations of my body.

     

    Byron Katie in her book “Loving What Is,” speaks of ‘something in me tends to move away from you’.   It is like we are being steered away and we move in agreement.

     

    This is how I feel, but another part of me is apologetic for being repelled by them.

     

    My body and its warning system haven’t failed me yet.

    I have failed it.

     

    I failed to notice its warning lights.

    I failed to move away, to steer clear of bad energy and I caused my body disease.

     

    Now that I have corrected the readings and adjusted or I am attuned to its perfection, I refuse to be what I am not.

     

    I refuse to call it love when I feel fear.

     

  • A Big Bubble of Me.

    The word LOVE brings with it such energy and Light, it brightens up spaces and brings wholeness where before less than appeared.

     

    People walk around feeling so defeated, if they don’t HAVE love.

     

    Like Love is an object we can go and pluck out of a store, search and find like a hidden treasure, it remains outside of us, and we hunt like predators to capture it.

     

    It steals our peace, and keeps us running in anxiety for fear that without it we will not be whole.

     

    This love is like a devil to those who need it, it becomes a drug that we can’t live without, and will do anything to anyone to get it.

     

    My brother is sitting with the ‘love’ our parents gave us. 

    In our hands we look down devastated, for what we see surely isn’t love.

     

    How is this possible?

    How did we receive such a messed up version of love?
    Is it even a fragrance of love, does it hold a hint of love?

    What is this we received from our parents?

    What did we go forth and replicate?

     

    The love we received was not love.

    It is the opposite.

     

    I have read numerous times that there are only two ways of living or Being.  In Fear or in Love, those are the only two choices.

     

    In my childhood love, fear ran rampant.  Fear of them not liking you, that you were not good enough, that they would leave you, a very clutching manipulating demanding love.

     

    It wasn’t free.

    You weren’t free.

     

    The love of my childhood, the love that I replicated in my own home with my own children was that they had to do this or be that, and I would love them more.

     

    I focused on their behavior and how it impacted me, but I didn’t focus on how their behavior impacted THEM.

     

    Now I have given them back them selves.  I am no longer interested in owning them for my happiness.  It seems vulgar and twisted.  Like my children’s only role was to live to make me happy.

     

    I will be a better mom if you are a better kid! I will be a happier mom, a nicer mom, a this mom and a that mom, DEPENDING upon your behavior!

     

    It left me irresponsible for my own happiness.  It left me powerless.

     

    But what was even more important it had them looking away from themselves to only focus on me.

     

    Their lives were for me.

     

    Not only was I powerless, they too became powerless in their own worlds.  A house full of powerless dependent people!

     

    It was when I unplugged them all that we each became free.

     

    I recall the conversations I had with each of my children, how I was telling them that from now on, their only job in this house was to do them selves.  That they and they alone were responsible for what they did or didn’t do.  I fired them from making me a better mother.

     

    As I fired them, I hired me.  I hired myself to be myself.  I hired myself to be a mother.  And I recall telling them that as their mother I was only going to be the consequence lady.

     

    That was my one job as a mother.  That every action has a consequence and it is up to me to figure out that consequence.

     

    To their benefit they were both excited and fearful.  For no more wasted words would fly out of my mouth. 

     

    In fact it still pops up where I forget my role as consequence lady, and I focus more on their behavior than mine.  When I feel out of control, it is usually me.  I am forgetting my control.

     

    When I gave them the responsibility of their lives, I got mine.

     

    It was a great independence day in our home.

    Where 6 individuals were born.

    We all claimed our own worlds.

    We all can shine as one person, separated and free to be who ever it is we are to be.

     

    Sure there are common house rules, but for the most part I celebrate each child doing themselves alone.

     

    My youngest is still clutching on to being irresponsible, and as parents our role is to keep placing the responsibility of his life in his hands.

     

    In as much as we love freedom, we are more afraid to be free.

     

    Free means no one to blame when we are unhappy.

     

    Our whole lives are free for us to express or be or do as we feel, and no one stands in the way of us living our greatest life, but ourselves.

     

    Once we stop searching outside for love, when we know that it isn’t their job to bring us love, or peace or joy, we can begin doing this for ourselves.

     

    Learning one step at a time to be independent.

     

    A separated soul, a free spirit!

     

    What can another bring to a free spirit?

    What does a free spirit need?

     

    I love that I am one self- contained unit of one.

     

    I walk around a big bubble of me.

     

     I M perfect Dance!

     

     

     

  • I Love so I can Live.

    Love and its application, how does each person apply love?

    How do they know what to love and what not to love, or how to love and how not to love?

     

    The choice in love is not a given.  Are we able to chose or not chose to love our parents, our siblings, even what we love to wear at an early age?

     

    The freedom in the Love is the key to if love is dysfunctional or not.

     

    If we can love from the self-view, or we can call it self-loving view, if we can decide ‘I love you’ or ‘I don’t love you’ then it is love from the inside.

     

    If it is love that is decided for us, demanded or expected of us, then it is not real love, but a commanded love.

     

    Unless you have experienced the free love, the choice love, you will feel that we walk away in anger.

     

    It is so not the case.  I walk away with love inside, with approval of self, with my self esteem held firmly in place with all my no’s and yes’s coming along for the ride.  I am a total package of freedom.

     

    This kind of love allows the other person to do and be what it is they want to be, but it gives us the right or privilege to move away.

     

    When you love yourself enough, was a title of a small book I read once, a book where there were just a few words on a page, more like quotes, and that term stuck with me.

     

    When you love yourself, you will not put yourself in harmful places, you will walk away from those who blindly hurt you.

     

    When you love yourself, you don’t need others to fill you up or prop you up, or do this or that. 

     

    Love isn’t about what you can give to the other, to complete the other; instead love is about letting the other be free to do the job of being themselves.

     

    I used to be in other’s businesses, but now I stay in my own.

     

    Each of us come with the same advantages or challenges along the way, and if we are seeking to learn, there are a million opportunities to learn each day.

     

    Opportunities to learn about our self and how we, love both others and ourselves.  It isn’t about changing the other to make them more loveable, but rather finding someone that matches our meaning of love.

     

    Of course the most optimal thing is to find this among your family, your sisters and brothers, but often we have to leave them in order to find love.

     

    I used to have a set of love rules that did not apply to family, family had a free pass, and it required nothing of them.

    It allowed them to less of themselves.  What I called love was actually love of enabling lower standards.

     

    I was in support of those doing and being less, remaining at lower level so I could ‘help’ them.

     

    But my going in and helping was enabling them not to help themselves.

    When I became responsible for just me, it freed them to be responsible for just themselves, I was the one to set them free.

     

    If I continued to believe that they couldn’t live a life without me, that is co-dependent, and it has me thinking less of them.

     

    I do believe to the depth of my being that each and every one of us comes into this life to learn what love is, to learn what self is, to be separate and whole.

     

    I also believe that we are given daily ways in order to do that, chances to make a new choice.  That there is a subtle or loud voice in our heads that is seeking for us to change, sometimes it is actual life being played out in front of us.

     

    Look around and see what is going right or what is going wrong, how often you are at peace with your voice or when you suppress what you feel and why.

     

    I lived longer silently and ignorant of using my own voice.

    I talked lots, but mostly I was a mouthpiece for others.

    I now only speak for myself.

     

    If I can find my voice, I know others can too.

     

    I heard my voice whispering in the backgrounds always, but I was too fearful of the consequences to speak.

     

    Now I am fearful of the consequences if I don’t speak.

    In the past my body and inner feeling was to move away from my father, but I stayed close.

     

    We all know the cost of that silence.

    I will never Not listen to my inner voice, my inner feelings, no matter at what cost to the other person.

     

    Love is being brave enough to move away.

    Love knows you can.

     

    When I moved away all my love came with.

    My love moves with me where ever I go, what ever I do, my love is like my breath now.

     

    Without my Love I would not want to live.

     

    It isn’t living without love it is simply surviving.

     

    Surviving isn’t living it is trying not to die.

     

    How many people are just trying not to die instead of really living? 

     

    I Love so I can Live.

     

    406

  • Our time together

    Twenty-seven years ago today, my husband and I began dating.  We had talked to each other almost daily on the phone for 6 months, before we went on a date.

     

    We began talking, sharing and enjoying each other’s differences. In some things we have gotten more alike and in others more different, and through it all maintain our sense of separateness as well as togetherness.

     

    The phrase, “you complete me” doesn’t apply to us, for we are each standing strong alone.  He is not a man who is lacking something that I need to carry, nor does he have a part of me.

     

    In the beginning I was much more lost then him, and I served him always before myself. 

     

    The past five years has been about recovering me, about finding a sense of self that I never had before.

     

    I had told him often in the first years of my recovery that he would be getting a new lady but with the same lady if that makes sense to you.

     

    He didn’t have to leave his marriage, but he is now with a totally different lady.

     

    It took him a while and he grieved for the Me he first fell in love with, but over time and with patience and courage, we both fell in love with the new me.

     

    Our relationship is special and neither of us takes it for granted.

     

    A love that allowed me to be me, a love that flourishes in the good times and in the bad, one that can withstand the changes of life no matter how they appear.

     

    When I think back to the early days of discovering who my father was, to see his picture in the papers, on the radio and on TV, my husband never once considered me too soiled to be with.  He never once dropped my hand.

     

    He never once considered leaving me behind.

     

    I held his hand while I had to do the bulk of the work inside.

    His hand gave me the strength I needed to walk alone.

    Like a good set of training wheels!

     

    As I look back on our journey together, it is one that has allowed us to become more of our selves. 

     

    Neither of us is lost in the relationship, instead we bring our full selves to the relationship called Us.

     

    We are complete alone, but enjoy our time together.