I M Perfect lady

Tag: love

  • That is Me.

    I listened to a podcast, about exploring the rising trend about going No Contact with your Family.

    I have been No Contact with my family now for over 20 years, which seems almost surreal. A brother was the last contact I lost – about 10 years ago.

    It was good to hear others experiences. And, it affirmed a few things.

    One being how the old way – of respecting your parents – for their role – rather for how the relationship was between you – is over.

    The new way is now about the relationship. How do two people engage with each other. We no longer put the role before the way the relationship feels inside.

    This makes so much more sense – and I feel that both sides would gain so much – if the relationship was healthy.

    We are no longer expected to stay in toxic relationships no matter who they are with. There is a huge amount of freedom knowing you can do the No Contact route.

    Another part was when a hospice nurse spoke about parents who were dying and how they wanted the estranged child to call. The feelings the hospice nurse had was that it was about control – that the parent believed since they were dying the child would acquiesce.

    The nurse felt it was a selfish act.

    This was how I felt and it is good to be affirmed with that choice. She even said that even though the child didn’t want to speak to the dying parent, most wanted to be called upon the death.

    The nurse saying something about how terrible it would be to find out on Facebook. Which is exactly how I did.

    The podcast also showed how there are many reasons for children to have no contact with their parents and siblings. As well as parents who put up boundaries against children.

    Mostly, it is about how we feel inside when we are with our families. How they see us, hear us and understand. Just as in any relationship we have, it is best when they are healthy. When we can be ourself and be loved unconditionally.

    I think this trend of No Contact, will make better parents – ones who are less about the role they play and more about the content of their relationships. It will help them see their child as unique individuals.

    One young girl said how much better her insides feel now that she has no contact – she feels so free and happy in her life.

    That is me.

    You can listen to Oprah’s podcast to hear more.

  • Feel Kind

    “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” 

    In the world today there is much evil that is being shared and reported on. More than what our humanity’s psyche can hold.

    It leaves us feeling impotent and that evil is winning.

    What I believe is that there is a balance of good and evil – and if it isn’t your time to suffer; perhaps it is your time to put good energies out in the world.

    The monks who are peacefully walking are sending out waves of goodness.

    We can send out goodness by what we do each day, how we live and love.

    When the world feels like it is sinking with so much evil – We want to do something to that evil.

    In my experiences so far – is that you can’t change evil – evil does what evil does.

    “A MIND CONVINCED AGAINST ITS WILL, IS OF THE SAME OPINION STILL.”

    A person who is okay doing and standing by evil – is under the control of a mind that I feel is insane.

    I am not sure we can engage with evil and win.

    I believe we can be more like the peaceful monks and bring more awareness of that to the world.

    Feel how your body feels as you try and engage with folks who seem blind to humanity – and then feel your body how it feels to be doing what you love.

    I was empowered by setting up boundaries against family who chose to support evil by doing nothing.

    In our smaller circles is where change will happen. In our lives, in our communities and how we engage and interact with others. How we tolerate or don’t – those who do evil – even on small levels.

    How we live in our relationships – what we do and say and act will send vibrations out into the world.

    Let your vibrations be those of love, peace and joy. Let’s flood the world with kindness.

    I steer clear of those who carry out evil acts and those whose minds are unclear.

    Each of us have something we can do each day to make our planet feel kind.

  • Where Love Lives.

    A lifetime ago, I used to go Caroling with my siblings. One year I made us all scarves to wear. The simple joys of the holidays. Being a creative person, each Christmas I would try and make them all something. Pouring my heart through my hands.

    My brother sent a text yesterday. “Happy birthday! Life is short, enjoy each day. ”  Just enough to bring them and the drama to the front. 

    No matter the words I use, they can’t comprehend my journey.  

    I started to respond, but what could I say? What words would make him and them – understand the magnitude of love, peace and joy there is away from them.

    I believe they see me as suffering in the past hurts, holding on to grudges and non-forgiveness. Forsaking this moment with a mind and heart full of anger.

    Why else remind me of the shortness of life and to enjoy it.

    No matter the words I would type or the sentiment I tried to present, he wouldn’t understand how my heart and soul are filled with light. That stepping away from cycles of abuse the brainwashed cult-like religion – set my soul free and my heart to love.

    I miss family – but not the toxic one. That family comes with generational behaviors and patterns that are near impossible to have real relationships with.

    When I look back at our blind innocence and the unconsciousness of our denial – how we dressed up the holidays to be more – to hide the truth that lay beneath.

    What an impossible task to try and make our family whole. No scarves or ornaments – made with love by me – could put a dent into righting the mess.

    Those simple fun memories are now tainted, knowing what we didn’t acknowledge.

    If only they were just joys of caroling, with fun scarves, sharing our Christmas baking. If only there wasn’t ugly truths right beneath the surface.

    A friend sent a photo of her and her 4 sisters caroling – and their mom.  It fills my heart and breaks it. Of the joy of family and the loss of mine.  A wound that will follow me always.  They are there – sometimes loud – most often a faint hum in the background of my wonderful life.

    I know there are many of us out here, who are living, loving and finding peace and joy – away from our families of origin. It is more than okay to feel the ache of loneliness and feeling sorrow when you see family being loving family. And, the holidays can be especially hard to walk in tandem with grief and joy.

    What I know to be true is that the grief just pops up here and there in the sea of goodness I live in.

    My heart can hold joy and sorrow. If Christmas wishes were granted, I would want my siblings to join me here – on the outskirts of toxic family patterns.

    Until then – I hold space where love lives.

  • His Daughter to Live hers Well.

    Dates on the calendar can stir up memories – a glimmer of significance to the day. My father would have turned 96 today – he’s been gone now 13 years – but he was gone for me long before that time.

    It is different when you lose someone you were already estranged from – and your memories are tainted by his worst deeds.

    What I don’t have are heart felt memories – or sadness that he’s gone. It is a void where a father should have stood.

    So a date arrives and it is unusual with its significance- a day that used to be – and his life it feels was one that brought pain.

    I don’t follow the news, but there are many who do – and many who feel the angst of all that is going on. I don’t have answers for the multiple things that are wrong – but what I do know is that within my family of origin when all seemed lost – what I focused on was what I could do in my small corner of the world.

    I could gather Love, Peace and Joy.

    I wasn’t changing the devastation my father’s life did.

    I wasn’t changing the lives of those who suffered – I couldn’t.

    But, I could affect change in my small circle. I was able to use my life to live the opposite. I live with intention and keep as much love, peace and joy in my world.

    There are things we have influence over and there are millions that bring stress – and where we can do nothing.

    I believe if each of us sought out more of what we love, what brought joy and held peace, the world would tilt in that direction.

    I knew if I focused on my father’s deeds and the suffering and pain he sowed – I would have shriveled up and died inside.

    When I vowed to not let him define my life – I turned towards a new direction.

    It wasn’t easy at first – it felt awkward to turn away from so much bad – to seek instead the things that warmed my heart. Over time the new habit became my life.

    Even today as so much is upside down and backwards in this country – I still center myself on the choices I can make to bring love and light to my little world.

    It is during the darkest of times, we need more art – in all categories. We can send waves of positive energies out into the world each day by what we spend our days doing.

    Perhaps in honor of a life so wrongly lived – it is a must for his daughter to live hers well.

    Art is a sanctuary for my troubled mind- or when my left brain is stressed. There is joy letting the right side play.

  • Reflect That.

    Karma - "The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny."

    While doing yoga today, it came to me that Karma isn't about what you do for others so much as it is what you do for you. How your actions are in harmony with your truth and spirit.

    Karma is very personal…it is between your soul and how you present yourself to the world.

    Karma isn't about doing for others at the cost of your own inner peace, love and joy.

    Our lives (karma) are echoing back how we feel about ourselves…not what we do for others.

    Our destiny is decided by how we speak our feelings and how we create boundaries as we care for our self.  

    Karma is self care…self love…being one with your spirit.

    Our karmic care is lost in a multitude of ways…for me it was abuse and being raised by a woman who was selfish, but not self caring…if that makes sense.

    She wasn't able to care for her self, let alone for the 14 children she gave birth to.

    I wasn't given a good role model on how to sow a destiny of love, peace and joy for my self.

    What I hear many saying is that they are going forward with the positive, and leaving their past behind.  

    And, what I see is that they are unwilling to examine their karmic trail, to see the exact science of cause and effect, and it is how we respond that plants a new karmic seed.

    I just don't see how being 'kind' to my father served my mother.

    It left her with a husband that was incapable to love, no matter how 'loving' she was.

    This is what I mean by our karma isn't doing for others, but rather doing for our selves.

    She would have taught her daughters a completely different lesson, had she been aware of what her actions were doing to her self.

    I had always felt that she had multiple opportunities for a redo…each time he committed another act of abuse…she was given a choice to act differently, but time and time again, she failed to change her response.  She doesn't know how to begin to begin to change her karma.  She will always get what she has been getting, for she is doing what she has always done.

    There is an internal cost to loving people who hurt you.  Each time you focus on their needs and neglect your needs…you are being unloving and uncaring to your self.

    I just can't see how treating yourself poorly will grant you a karmic trail of love, peace and joy.

    You are not giving love if it is hurtful to your self…you are hurting your self and I am not sure what the other person is getting except perhaps a false message…or a message of how much you are okay hurting yourself.

    We are not responsible for the content and the destiny of each other's lives.

    We are only repsonsible for our own life. 

    Our life reviews will be feeling what we have done to others.

    If you are loving them falsely, you will feel this empty love.

    I believe that my karma path changed, my life's destiny was greatly altered when I began living from the inside out.  I went from expecting others to make me me….and instead worked on creating my own self.

    A self that had boundaries and self care rules.

    I no longer was self less and could do anything for anyone.

    I had an inner awareness of this living breathing soulful self who was affected by how I acted.

    I no longer lied to myself.

    I no longer pretended at the cost of myself.

    I became extremely aware of how each action I did was setting up my future world. For, I had experienced living a life, blind to the karmic response…and was intent on making others happy, while completely neglecting me.  And yet, I was very narcisistic.

    I just read that narcistic people can be either controlling or neglectful…and I believe that the difference between a narcistic person and one who is self loving is how they see/love themselves.

    I have been reading just a bit on narissistic people, and here is how I see it.

    They need someone else to show them themselves…they are incapable of seeing themselves by themselves.

    Meaning, I was a good mother IF my children showed me how I was.  

    I was a good friend, if a friend could show me how I was by what they said about me.

    If another person wasn't there, there was no me.  My sense of self was just a reflection.  I had no inner view of myself.

    A narsissistic person disappears without you telling them who they are.  It is a job that is endless.  My mother is only a mother if we make her one.  On her own, she is very much not a mother.  I was/am the maker of the mother daughter relationship…she couldn't be a mother without me.

    I know this will seem vaguely mental, but unless and until you can get away from the reflection of how others see you….you will not get this.

    I have deflected if you will all other's opinions, and have gained a connection with me inside.  I have literally turned inward to find out who I am.

    In doing so, my karma has changed from being narsisstic to being self loving.

    Anytime you are worried about your reflection (how others see you) you are dancing on the lip of being narsisstic.

    My mother believed, that her reflection of how she seen my father would change him…for, she loved her reflection of her self and not her self.  So, she worked on repeatedly changing his reflection by how she saw him.  And failed to see the real him.

    The world is not set up for us to change each other.  Imagine how brutal that would be, to have your image continual changed by how others seen you. Which they do and it does…but only in their eyes.

    No one can change my image of me, but me.

    I am solely responsible for my actions and my responses. It is my intention to pay attention to my inner world and the outer world will reflect that.






  • What Love means to Me.

    Mothering adult children has been a perplexing inner dilemma…of what to do and when, and when to hold on and when to let go.

    Letting go doesn't mean I don't care. Letting go means I care enough to let them be free.  Free to choose, free to experience, free to learn and to grow, free to make choices that suit their needs.

    Letting go means letting them do their lives…

    I think, I thought, letting go meant giving up.

    I also think, the letting go that I experienced was that I was cast out in the careless sea.  I wasn't let go for my own good, but let go  when I was too small…before I was ready to make it on my own.  

    So, to me letting go is scary and fearful.

    Letting go in a healthy way, means to allow…to release my grip on their lives.

    My middle daughter turned 23 today. She has made wonderful choices in her life…clearly showing me how capable she is in finding her way, in her time, doing what she feels is best for her.  And yet I worry, fret, think, conjure up situations out in the future, that I can't possibly know.  I get lost in the tangle of her life choices…wanting to protect and keep her from 'harm'.

    However, if I had my way today, I myself would have caused harm in stepping into her life unasked.  But the Universe protected her from me, in small ways, like the printer not working…etc.  It spared her from my 'knowing' best.

    In giving up, and allowing, I can be a woman without control of her world, and just someone cheering her on as she makes the best choices for herself.

    I should know by now, that my 'good intentions' are really control issues and my fears.

    Letting my children decide isn't caring less, but actually caring more.

    Letting them have a voice and a choice based upon their feelings, not mine.

    As I let it all go today…I felt free from the responsibility and was once again free in my world and it left her free in hers.  Happy Birthday Honey…I love you. Letting you be you…is what love means to me.

      IMG_7453

     

  • Happy Valentine’s Day

    I started Happy Valentine's Day with a yoga class for me.  I met myself in the mirror and while doing the postures, felt great warmth for my body. For all its been through and for seeing that it has been showing me all along what my mind thinks and where my priorities are.  It relentlessly reveals my truths to me.

    It truly has been my greatest friend accurrately showing me how I view life.  It doesn't lie.

    It has been my faithful companion on this journey, recording events which the mind could not hold, carrying out orders of a confused mind, and using pain to gain my attention.

    And mostly been the brunt of my disdain…me blaming it, while it is really blameless and I am the one who leads.

    I decide either knowingly or unconsciously to neglect or care for it.

    I can either decide to feel my truths or let them slide by 'unnoticed'.

    I am the one that brought it into situations where it felt uncomfortable, I ignored its clear signals.  I wanted to be liked and accepted more by others than my own body.  I would reject it to serve another's happiness.

    I used to see myself a victim of my body…when in fact I was the perpetrator of all its ills.  There is no one to blame for my inner relationship or that lack thereof with my body.

    I have been learning what love means between me and me.

    To love myself enough to speak up knowing that it isn't popular.

    I love myself enough to recognize the signals of my body.

    I love myself enough to care for my body…to question my mind, to seek my truth, to boldly do that which I am moved to do, uncaring how the opinions of others change about me. 

    My respect for my self matters more.

    Wayne Dyer speaks of "being beyond the good opinion of others"…Loving your self brings you there.  And it is what I feel is meant by, "If I gained the world, but lost my spirit…"

    On Valentine's Day I remain faithful to the first one I must love, in order to love another, ME.

    Happy Valentine's Day.

     

  • A Different Intention

    When you look at life from the soul's perspective and from its Karmic path, you will see the perfection in all things.  Each action will get an opposite and equal reaction, have no fear.

    As the Justice System appears to fail, the Universal system is running perfectly behind it.  Even if you are unaware and not interested in the talk of karma and the dynamics of physics, it still operates without a hitch.  I love that it doesn't need your understanding in order to flow.

    In religion there seems to be the assumption, that we have to know and practice in order to be in a relationship with God, when in fact it is impossible not to be.

    Your life, your choices, your awareness, are all speaking to God.  

    In fact there is not a moment you are not.  Nothing is hidden, nothing goes unseen or felt, it is all recorded, but not in a way to punish, but to give you all that you are asking for with your intentions.

    What you intend, you shall have…what you have done, will be returned to you in kind…complete with the exact feelings you have handed out.

    The wheel of cause and effect is turned by you.

    There is no special prayer to be sent to this Universal system, where you will be spared the just return…once you set an action in motion, it is already on its return trip back to you.

    I had to look up the word intention, so I was clear of it proper meaning.

    "A course of action that one intends to follow.  An aim or plan, a purpose. The state of one's mind at the time one carries out an action."

    The state of one's mind…for some reason, I believed intentions to be more about feelings. But I guess, intentions are more about the mind…or a Knowing.

    This makes sense in my experience, for when I had a confused mind, I was sending out confusing messages to the Universe. 

    My mind's definition were wrong, so the Universe could only send back what I had asked for.  

    It didn't know that I didn't know, and gave me exactly what I intended…it cared not, whether I knew what I was asking for or not.

    If I asked for love, and my definition of love was to lose myself in order to please others, I received others to please and not see me.

    I steered clear of people seeing me, for that meant "not Love".

    Not seeing equals love…so blind folks arrived by the bushel.

    You can pray until your blue in the face to the Universe to send you a warm and loving kind of love, which I sought, I just didn't know that my mind had a huge virus and was flipped around.  The Universe wasn't getting it wrong, I was.

    I had to fix my inner Knowing and definitions and send out a different intention…

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • “Healing and Recovery”

    A continuation from "Healing and Recovery", by David Hawkins.

    "Within each and everyone is that intrinsic innocence that never dies, no matter how long we live; it is intrinsic to the nature of consciousness itself.  The innocence of the child is what bought the mistake or negative program in the first place.  It is helpful to be aware that the intrinsic innocence of the child is still present in everyone.  It is the innocence that watches television and naively buys into the negative programming due to its lack of discernment. The innocence of the child has no warning within it, nothing that says, "This is a world that is out to program you with as much negativity as you are willing to buy."  In fact, that world gets well paid to do so because advertising is often based on appealing to the negative energy fields.  All our fears, desires, and pridefulness are represented below the level of 200.  It takes the willingness to be aware that within us in our innocence needs to be protected."

    "When we look at "self-care", which is the capacity to love one's self, we find it now means taking responsibility to protect ourselves from the consequences of that innocence and the willingness to undo mistakes that the mind picked up as a result.  We can then handle looking at ourselves and healing that which we find within us if we accept the awareness of the intrinsic innocence of our consciousness.  We see that it was the innocence that was programmed. We then take responsibility for that and say, "In my innocence, I bought all that; I didn't know any better.  I thought that the right thing to do was to be judgmental, to condemn people, and to judge them as right and wrong.  Now I see that all that has made me sick, so I'm going to let it go."  The people who are willing to look into this and go through the processes already described had complete, and full recoveries from their illnesses."

    "The capacitiy to be forgiving is within us, along with the capacity for compassion.  Out of it comes a general attitude about the way in which we look at ourselves. From our bigness, from our greatness, we look at our humanness through forgiving eyes and begin to forgive ourselves as well as others for all the things that were limitations and denials of the truth.  All the things in the energy fields below 200 are denials of the truth; all those above 200 are the acceptance of that which is true and positive.  Because our body reflects what the mind believes, and the mind reflects our spiritual position, spirit has the greatest power of all. Therefore, our spiritual position literally determines whether we have a healthy physical body or not."

    "Once we are willing to accept the power of the mind, we have to be attentive, persevering, and not let mind get away with expressing negativity.  We have to stop it as soon as we become aware of it. We have to begin to develop an awareness of negativity and recognize it for what it is. We let go of false humility and start questioning such remarks as, "Well, you know, I'm not very bright," or " My handwriting is poor," or "I gain weight eating the same amount of food that thin people eat."  The minute we become aware of ourselves saying or thinking these limiting, self-defeating, self-attacking thoughts, we have to stop and cancel them."

    "The handwriting is poor because there is a belief system that we have poor handwriting, so we then reverse the whole programming of the mind as far as cause and effect.  We are returning to a principle that we can demonstrate through our own experience.  It is physical and the expression of the mental, not vice-versa."

    "We came to the conclusion that our handwriting is poor because the cause was in the mind, in the belief system.  It may have been a remark picked up during childhood.  Someone may have said, "Your handwriting is poor," and from that point forward, the program is operative.  We have to look at the ingenuity of the unconscious mind to really see it.  It would be great if one had some experience in watching hypnotic experiments.  It has been shown that if a person is told their legs will be itching when they awaken, and then induce amnesia for the suggestion, when the person wakes up, they are asked how they feel.  Instantly the mind will start creating the most marvelous and convincing argument of why the person's legs should itch.  The person doesn't just say, "Well, my legs itch."  The mind always gets creative and starts explaining, "Well, I have wool pants on, and you know I'm allergic to wool, and the heat in this room is steam heat, and that always creates the itching."  It is just marvelous to listen to the inventiveness of the mind as it begins to create reasons for the symptoms, which, as stated above, were place within the hypnotic subject on purpose.  The mind will do the same thing without formal hypnosis, so it is helpful to look at ourselves as though we have been hypnotized for half our lives and did not even realize it."

    "What is hypnosis?  It is suggestibility, is it not?  It means to be in an unguarded, suggestible, relaxed state, so anytime we have been in that state, we have picked up all the programming, and whether we remember it or not, it is still operative.  All the times we were half asleep as we sat in front of the television set, hour after hour of programming went into the mind and became unconscious hypnotic programs."

    "We can discover what we have been programmed with by watching to see what comes up, such as the idea that, "I'm no good.  Oh, I'm no good, I'm no good. I never was very good at playing cards."  If we have the belief system of not being very good at playing cards, that is what is going to operate in our life and also reinforce that belief system.  The belief system become self-reinforcing and self-fulfilling prophecies. A belief that is held unwittingly can manifest in our life, thus justifying the belief system.  By looking at our lives, we can tell what beliefs are being held.  If we cannot recall them, then we say they are unconscious or have unwittingly picked up from the collective consciousness of society."

    "Heath is the automatic expression of higher energy fields.  The fields of 540 and over are the levels of gratitude, forgiveness, and healing. The willingness to be forgiving and grateful in itself automatically begins the healing process.  Becoming a loving being in the energy fields of love is not sentimentality or emotionalism.  What the world calls love is more often about dependency, control, sentimentalism, and emotionalism.  It is an emotional, sentimental attachment in which control is going back and forth, and there is the satisfaction or desiringness on both sides.  This is the Hollywood version of love."

    "When you hear someone say, "I used to love George, but I don't anymore," it means that they never did love George. What was really meant is that they had a sentimental attachment, sort of a solar-plexus kind of 'hanging onto', which the person romanticized and glamorized within their life, pouring a lot of emotional energy into it so that when the tie was broken, up came a lot of negative emotion."

    "Real love is unconditional love.  Unconditional love is a decision we make within ourselves.  The process is one of intention and the decision to be a loving person.  If I decide to love you, that is my inner decision.  There is nothing the other person can do about it…" David Hawkins

     

  • Fear into Love

    In a Card from a Sister Friend, she quoted Constantine Peter Cavafy

    "As you set out in search of Ithaka pray that your journey be long, full of adventures, full of awakenings.  Do not fear the monsters of old…you will not meet them in your travels if your thoughts are exhalted and remain high, if authentic passions stir your  mind, body, and spirit. You will not encounter fearful monsters if you do not carry them within your soul, if your soul doesn't see them up in front of you."  

    I love that we will not meet the monsters of old…the old lessons we learned are not recycled.  

    Lessons not learned grow bigger trying desperately to gain our attention, to bring into our awareness the things we are doing to hurt ourselves and others; to raise us from fear into Love.

    IMG_3265

     The center of this quilt was from a wall hanging I had made my parents in the very early stages of my quilting.  It hung in their porch, and one winter while they were in Texas, the mice chewed the quilt fabric surrounding this saying.  I took it back and a few summers ago turned it back into a wallhanging for me. (our estrangement didn't bode for gift exchanges anymore)  

    What is so foretelling is the saying on this quilt.

    "May those who love us, Love us. And those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we will know them by their limping."   

    My mother had used a walking cane to hang this on the wall.  

    I am getting better at discerning love.