Tag: love

  • Transformed by awareness.

    This is my third reading of the book, "Power vs Force" by David Hawkins. And this time I am understanding the broader picture of the levels of energy/consciousness we all are traveling in.

    He rates the levels from 20 to 1,000.

    "Energy Level 30: Guilt"

    "Guilt, so commonly used in our society to manipulate and punish, manifests itself in a variety of expressions, such as remorse, self-recrimination, and the whole gamut of symptoms of victim-hood.  Unconscious Guilt results in psychosomatic disease, accident-proneness, and suicidal behaviors.  Many people who struggle with Guilt their entire lives, while other desperately attempt escape by amorally denying it altogether."

    "Guilt domination results in a preoccupation with "sin," an unforgiving emotional attitude frequently exploited by religious demagogues, who use it for coercion and control. Such "sin-and-salvation" merchants, obsessed with punishment, are likely either acting out their own guilt, or projecting it on to others."

    "Subcultures displaying the aberration of self-flagellation often manifest other regional forms of cruelty, such as the public, ritual killing of animals.  Guilt provokes rage, and killing frequently is its expression. Capital punishment is an example of how killing gratifies a Guilt-ridden populace.  Our unforgiving American society, for instance, scorns its victims in the press and metes out punishments that have never been demonstrated to have any deterrent or corrective value."  David Hawkins.

    What is so shocking is the "Sin-Salvation" equation is the impetus for the FALC.  It is at the level of 30.  Jesus is at 1,000.  Wow.

    Energy Level 100 is Fear.

    "At the Level of 100, a lot more life energy is available – Fear of danger is healthy. Fear runs much of the world, spurring on endless activity. Fear of old enemies, of old age, or death, of rejection, and a multitude of social fears are basic motivators in most people's lives."

    "From the viewpoint of this level, the world looks hazardous, full of traps and threats. Fear is the favored official tool for control by oppressive totalitarian agencies, and insecurity is the stock-in-trade of manipulators of the marketplace…"  David

    Fear is the favored official tool FOR CONTROL.  It seems such backwards way of living to me.  However, I used to live by these standards…

    Rising from Fear is, Desire 125, then Anger at 150…to Pride at 175.

    "In contrast to the lower energy fields, people feel positive as they reach this level.  This rise in self-esteem is a balm to all the pain experienced at lower levels of consciousness.  Pride looks good and knows it; it struts its stuff in the parade of life."

    "Pride is far enough removed from Shame (20) Guilt, or Fear that to rise, for instance, out of the despair of the ghetto to the self respect of being a Marine is an enormous jump."

    "Pride generally has a good reputation and is socially encouraged, yet as we see from the levels of consciousness, it's sufficiently negative to remain below the critical level of 200.  This is why Pride feels good only in contrast to the lower levels."

    "The problem, as we all know, is that "Pride goeth before a fall." Pride is defensive and vulnerable because it's dependent upon external conditions, without which it can suddenly revert to a lower level.  The inflated ego is vulnerable to attack.  Pride remains weak because it can be knocked off its pedestal back to Shame, which is the threat that fires fear of Loss and Pride."

    "Pride is divisive and gives rise to factionalism: the consequences are costly.  Man has habitually died for Pride – armies still regularly slaughter each other for that aspect of it called nationalism. Religious wars, political terrorism and zealotry, the ghastly history of the Middle East and Central Europe – these are all the price of Pride, which all of society pays."

    "The downside of Pride is arrogance and denial. These characteristics block growth; in Pride, recovery from addictions is impossible because emotional problems or character defects are denied. The whole problem of denial is one of Pride.  Thus Pride is a sizable block to the acquisition of real power, which displaces Pride with true stature and prestige."  David

    Imagine, that Pride is the last step before courage or truth.  It is the last level in the lower levels, below 200.  And denial holds you there.

    The lower level operates on force, fear and denial….and in order to get to the upper level, you have to admit your character defects.

    And in the FALC, to see your character defects, would mean dragging up your sins from the past…  

    Reading this for the third time, I am understanding it at a different level, and realizing the energies of people truly account for their behavior.  You really can't expect them to act above their level.

    And looking at life from above 200 looks completely different from beneath.  One is based on fear of the truth an the other is based on loving the truth.

    Isn't there a song that says…."I've looked at life from bothsides now…"

    What an incredible journey up through the levels of consciousness and to see life completely transformed by awareness.

  • God’s Peace

     I was asked, "Do you love your mother?"  And this is how I feel.  I wrote this almost 3 years ago…

    “You are the mother you have been waiting for.  When you focus on the mother, you become motherless.”

                Byron Katie

     

    Happy Birthday Mom, I want to thank you for all you taught me.  All the pain you suffered so I could get it right.  I want to thank you for staying true to form, for staying the course, so I could see by your example where it would lead me.  I had you to show me the awful way it would turn out, if I was not strong, if I had no courage, if I had only fear.  

    It is your birthday, and I wish you well, I hold no resentments or anger.  I have lived as you and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  Your walk is hard it is not an easy one.  I know the trials on the way, the blindness, the unknowing, no memory, no path, the lost hopes, the dreams that never arrive, the pit of desperation, of false hopes, of others changing, endless roads to no where.  

    I know how it is to hurt unintentionally, to see but not see, to hear but not hear, to have children you can’t protect, to lose more than your heart can hold.

    Some how, by some miracle, I have been spared of lifetime of that.  I have been allowed to spring free, allowed to know a new me.  I was able to walk free of the prison that holds you so tight. 

    We don’t know why I was set free, why I walked away, why I could see what you never could, why I could hear reality.  All we know is that the two of us are the same, but different, for some reason you had to be left behind in a hole of a million sorrows. 

    I stand here outside in the brightness of day, with truth and honesty, reality and kindness. I know why you did what you did, for you didn’t have another way.

    If I had to wish a wish for you, it would be this, “I wish you love, peace and joy, a Heaven of bliss”.

    It is because of you, I am who I am. 

    Ironically we were both motherless yours died when you were two.

    You had no one to show you the way. 

     As a mother I know it would bring me great peace to know that my life was for naught.

    Yours was not, for you gave birth to me.

    If only I could return the favor and lead you out free, but it doesn’t seem to be the way of it for now.

    I leave you knowing where you are, and I wish you peace.

    God’s Peace.

     

     

     

  • Love responds in truth always

    In my mother's latest note I found a new viewpoint, another place where we don't match, the two drastically differing ways to deal in life.

    While she keeps coming back to how she feels and how she sees me, I too keep coming back to my viewpoint of her and they don't match.

    My experience of her, isn't her experience of me.

    I did bring her joy and help.  I did try my best to alleviate the overwhelming situations of being in a family of 14, what I failed to understand that behind me, she and her husband were making things even more difficult to manage.  A backdoor was opening and closing allowing in abuse, that was eroding the family atmosphere I worked so hard to keep afloat.

    She keeps talking about what I was doing and NEVER mentions what she was doing behind my back.  My aching tired and overstressed back.  I was seeing chiropractors in middle school…ya think???

    Trying to keep her family together…when abuse was ripping it apart. There wasn't enough I could do to mend what they broke.  And yet she speaks of it not.

    Tell me mother what do you think it was like being a child of yours?

    Tell me mother…how do you think it feels to be me. 

    My abuse went unnoticed, uncared for, unreported…with no response from you…except that you appreciate my help and joy.  Imagine an abused child now has to bring help and joy…while no one tends to their wounds.  We try harder to please for somehow in this upside downstate, when you fail to take responsibility, we do.  

    You say you love me.  How I ask?  How?

    What does love look like to you?  Does love turn its back on the hurting?  Does love not see the abuse?  

    You keep repeating words about love, but can't take a step that is loving.  

    Love walks right into abuse and takes full responsibility.

    Love protects the child at all costs.

    Love doesn't forgive and forget, it remembers and acts accordingly.

    Love is being in your truth and my truth.

    Love is not just a four letter word…

    Love is fearlessly seeing what you don't want to see and doing things you can't imagine doing, to protect the innocent and to stand strong against those who hurt.

    Love…doesn't only see what is kind.

    Love sees it all…and love responds in truth always.

     

     

     

  • When She Writes It.

    I am at work, with a racking cough, aching bones and going through piles of mail, and come across my name and my mother's handwriting.  

    I put it in my slot. 

    What now, I wonder, what now…?  The added weight of the letter works on me as I continue to toss the mail.

    As I am bundling the mail to take on the route, I put mine in my purse, in case I decide I need to know what she has to say somewhere along my route.  I don't.  I feel the weight without even reading the words.

    I listen to a novel, moving along box to box, road to road, package to package….time passes, and she comes and goes along the route and I don't read it until I turn on my road.

    These words are spread out on stationary sheet, blue snowflakes around the border…plain white middle.

    Birthday/Christmas 2011

    Dearest Beth,

    You have been a great help and joy for many years.  You are my daughter and I have always loved you from Day 1.

    May God bless us all and give peace in 2012.

    A Mother's Love,

    Always and Forever,

    Mom

    I wonder what she is trying to accomplish by this letter.  What prompts her to send out these words?

    Stating a mother's love? Trying again to make me believe…

     A mother's love???  A mother who blessed her husband when he raped me.  Really, you loved me since day one.  I would beg to differ.  No matter how many times you write it, it still sounds hollow to me.  I don't feel the love.  Too many little girls lives were changed by how you loved me.

    She says I have been a great help and joy….And I certainly had been to abuse. She mentions nothing about my actions today, the present Beth, just the Beth of old.  She sees only her….refusing to acknowledge my changes, the new me.

    "May God Bless us all and give peace in 2012."  

    What is peace to her?  Would peace return to her life, If I would turn back into being a help and a joy for abuse?  Would peace then return, is that the Blessing she wants from her God?  

    Peace in dysfunction…an oxymoron for sure.

    Taken at a glance and just reading the words, it sounds like a lovely letter from a mother to her daughter; but the background experiences taint the words.

    Even the little girl in me feels the absence of her understanding as to where I am at.  I don't know if she can even fathom my path…our differences are so vast.

    While these notes may be comforting or helpful to her, they are not to me.  They come in blindly seeing only how she feels and what I brought….they fail to see how I felt or what I got back then.

    I asked myself, "what did I get from her…?"

    What is my response to her.  

    As a daughter of hers what can I possibly say?

    "Mommy Dearest…"  

    It seems when the hurt gets toughened up and put aside, she comes back in to peck at the cut.  I told her the kindest thing I have to offer her is silence.  No words.  Nothing.  Empty of retorts.

    As soon as I ponder what I would respond, it gets my blood pressure pumping.  I feel all the rage and wounds and resentment, hurt and pain.  Not only for me, but so many little girls, I get swallowed in the dark…I have no kind words to send back to her.

    I stop mentally writing a response…

    I just want her to remain silent.  To let it be.  To stop writing how much she loves me and how she will be my mother forever and always.

    Don't I know it.  Haven't I felt her brand of Love?  Was I not given another dose even today?  How can a mother who allowed such atrocities go on, write this letter to a Me?

    All she sees is how she loved me, not HOW she loved me.

    She misses all the places she wasn't aware…and I was abused.

    She misses all the things she overlooked that caused me pain.

    She misses all the mothering things she failed to accomplish when abuse walked through her door into her life, into her marriage and into her daughter.  She misses that.

    She only wants to see the joy and help.  She doesn't want to see the gaping wound of dysfunction.

    The wound that steered my life into flowing backwards and crooked.

    Seeing my Helping her and Joy for many years IS NOT what I need her to see. She doesn't need to see me that way.

    She needs to see me, a little child being hurt by her father. She needs to see that and then write letter about how she loved me so.

    Without mentioning my pain, her love stays golden.

    And without mentioning my pain… I would dissolve back into a land of dysfunction again.

    She keeps sending me letters expounding on her love…when a letter explaining how she couldn't have loved me would be more true to the nature of my experience.

    I don't want a love letter… I want a letter telling me how she abused me.  Isn't that odd.  We don't want our abusive parents to tell us how much they loved us for we carry scars of abuse…we want them to acknowledge what they did to us was not love.

    I could puke on the words of love she writes.

    Trying to give me her love…in words, when she failed in deeds.

    Once again, she didn't write the letter that will break my silence…

    She continues to hide behind a loving mother…when reality has shown me the opposite.  

     It is good for me to know what letter I am waiting for.  I always felt no need to respond, and now I know what words I am seeking…my truth, I will recognize it when she writes it.

     ‎"Truth can be Unrecognized, but it can't be changed." 

    David Hawkins  

     

     

  • Bring to Christmas

    Just being me on Christmas is a huge peaceful relief…no stress is lurking, (now that the mail volume will begin to decrease) and I didn't string up any expectations or false ideals of anyone.

    In the past, I would plunge down deep after Christmas, but it was due to all the expectations and hopes I put into Christmas…and their failure would leave me empty hollow and down.

    It is insane how the mind can expect the undeliverable and believe it.  How I would believe that the Christmas season could change people, and like magic they would realize or see things that hadn't before…

    When in fact, it seems that what is off is really off on Christmas…instead of healing things, it magnifies them.

    And the opposite is true too.  When you are filled with love and peace about yourself and your life, Christmas arrives and there is nothing to want.  For you already want what you have.

    I feel such great emptiness of hopes…I am not standing on a mountain, that I will have to fall from tomorrow and for weeks afterward.  Instead I come to Christmas needing nothing from anyone…it was never about the gifts, but rather the Feelings I wanted from them.

    I wanted them to feel this or that way towards me….

    I wanted to feel this or that way towards them.  No matter who they or them was.  I always arrived with false expectations and in the state of need.

    When I arrive at Christmas empty of expectations and hope, I can sit in peace and let it all be.  

    Loving me and accepting me is the greatest thing I can bring to Christmas; if I am Merry with me, Christmas doesn't have to make me Merry.

    Just as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says, "each of us are responsible for the energy we bring into the room," it is up to us to bring Merry to Christmas.

    I love that I have a Merry me to bring to Christmas….

  • Your Own Life.

    The heeling of a dog on a leash is the perfect analogy of how I was raised and then how I raised my own children.  

    Certainly there is no real leash, but the feelings of being led around are very present.

    You are unable to move freely without a struggle and face the wrath of the leash holder; for it is expected you follow their lead.

    It goes much easier if the one on the leash has no voice or choice or mind of their own…mindlessly follow.  

    Breaking them in, beating them down, taking away their freedoms begins very early on.  We put them in leashes as little children…and they are taught to follow, not lead.

    And it certainly makes a difference if you are on the leash or holding the leash in your hand.

    Holding the leash in your hand, you don't want the person on the Leash to fight you, but to heel and acquiesce…

    I shudder at the way I raised my children, to be nice folks on a leash, to 'go along' without confrontation, to 'respect' authority, to be a good boy/girl; I showed them how best to live FOLLOWING me…rarely did they get to run free.  

    Well, they were free in the things I didn't care about….or would reflect back to me. But mostly I had a strong hand on the leash and expected and needed them to act a certain way.

    What is also very haunting is that when I took off their leashes, they didn't believe they were gone.  

    They didn't immediately go and run freely and make choices on their own…OR certainly didn't feel comfortable going against me….they were waiting for me to jerk back their chain and get them quickly back into MY choice.

    And in the past, being a good girl on the leash elicited loving praise from me.  I liked it when they did what I wanted without a fight.  And when they didn't I hollered until they obeyed…got back in line, behind me.

    Once free, they didn't know where the love would be found.

    In the past fighting the leash, love was withdrawn and my anger arose full force…love was delivered if you quietly went along.

    So, when you take of the constrictions and constraints, they don't know how to judge their own actions…or mine…and now what does love mean? Or where do you get it???

    Removing the force from the relationship left us all in an odd place.

    I didn't know how to mother letting kids do as they wanted….any more than my kids knew how to be free kids.

    It took time, like six years and counting to undo the damage of the leash.

    When you are praised and loved for not fighting for your own feelings and life…you feel its unloving to embrace your own set of values, feelings and choices.  It seems harsh and angry NOT to follow the woman with the leash in her hand.

    What was so interesting in my life, was that I was learning how to be off the leash with my mother, while I was letting my children's leashes go.

    I was able to see what I needed and could give the same to my children. For you can't just unleash yourself from your family of origin, and keep your children on a leash.  

    The disconnection has to be complete…no leashes and total freedom to move. If you are still holding the leash, you are both prisoner to the dysfunction…and the legacy continues.

    This was perhaps the hardest lesson to navigate; to restore freedom in my family.  Oh it was hard won…and stilll continues to be.

    I have the unnatural instincts to control and to want everyone moving with me.  Leash lifestyle is comfortable for me…all moving as one.

    I feel anxious at times and unloved when they leave and do things that are not what I choose to do…forgetting that love is freedom.

    My mind still has a hard time without a leash in my hand….although, I am way fine with having removed mine from my mother's hand.

    Imagine in order for me to be free, I had to cut the leash and move away from my mother.  She didn't set me free, untie the leash and wish me well…instead she feels unloved now that I am free.

    Her feelings of Love was to have me on her leash…ME doing what makes her feel good, loved, happy…it had nothing to do with me.

    The hollow hole that is left when you leave the leash is almost unbearable, for you realize that all of the things you did for love was all for naught.  Sacrificing your freedom and self in order to win her love, was in and of itself abuse.  She didn't love you, she controlled you.

    And while giving up your life to be controlled you believed you had piles of love to relax upon….for you had given so Much…only to find nothing there.  Just cold piles of giving up…a cold and empty life.

    There is no life filled with love once the leash is gone.  Once the leash is gone, you are alone and separated, lost and unsure, but free.  

    It is then, that you begin to have your own life.  

     

     

     

     

  • All of Life’s Realities.

    It is my 53rd Birthday, and I feel so young at heart yet wise beyond my years. I feel so wondrous in Spirit and the weight of a life's journey…Light but knowing the journey it took to get here.

    The Soul Lost quilt..

    IMG_3182

    The "Soul Eclipse" was created in 2005.  When I felt like I was drowning in emotion and the only place I felt normal was in quilting. As you can see it came through on my quilt.  Merging emotions and the sliver of gold is my Soul trying to gain ground or a toe hold on 'normal'.  I seemed so small against the world of troubles…or the messes so large.

    And then I felt the urge to create a woman…

    IMG_3272
    This was my first lady, emerging and in a dark shadow.  She is very small against the back drop of great patterns and designs and colors, she herself is small, yet crucial in the overall quilt.

    And then I felt like I wanted to do moving ladies….

    IMG_3281
    The great Energy behind the ladies is still there, and the ladies are now moving and dancing.  The sisterhood of Ladies….who dance to the beat of their own drum, was something for me to aspire to.  I Loved my Lady.  I just didn't know that the Lady was me for many months of creating her. She was leading my way.

    She would tell me I was okay, long before I knew…and would express emotions that I had a hard time verbalizing or bringing into myself.  She got it…My Lady.

    IMG_7086
    In November 2010, I made this Mitten Tree Quilt, and felt the weight of being a misfit, of no longer fitting into my family. It felt as heavy as the cloak the Lady is wearing. But, I was resigned to my life and accepted it with reverence.  I loved this quilt for it had so much truth and wisdom there…I was okay being me, even if I only fit on the Mitten Tree of Misfits.

    And then, I created my latest one this fall…

    IMG_6901
    She is walking with definite knowing, and great direction, confident and very much okay with who she is, celebrating it even…not wearing it like a heavy garment.  Not only has she accepted her path, she is Perfectly Perfect being her…she wouldn't trade nothing for her journey now, as Dr. Maya Angelou says.  I M Perfect and it is impossible not to be….And I LoVe Being ME!

    A journey from imperfect to perfect, by accepting all of life's realities!

  • Love will never leave you Powerless.

    In the past seven years, my brother and I have been dialoguing and most often coming to the same point, but from two different directions.  But we have always honored and respected each other enough to only speak our truths, even if and when that truth landed in unsettling ways…it seemed that we needed each of our sides in order to fully embrace and know the lay of the land.

    Our conversations often times are batting words and definitions around, trying to understand where the other is coming from.  For while we were raised in the same house, we came out differently, but the same. We both walked forth dysfunctional, yet displayed it in two different ways.

    I have been telling him for many many years, that he is Authentically Dysfunctional, and it meant to me that he was bravely owning all of his abuse and how it left him…and how he has done extremely remarkable in undoing the damage by learning to function in reality.

    What he heard was he could never not be Dysfunctional.  What I had implied was that he was openly dysfunctional and recovering his functions.

    For what I believe is the heart or root cause of the term Dysfunctional, is that you are unable to function correctly in a situation, that you do odd things instead of what nature would do.

    Our Function as a human being, no longer functions correctly; our systems begin to operate backwards.

    We are drawn to people who hurt us, instead of being repelled away.

    The complexities of living backwards is mountainous; our whole lives are lived blindly hurting ourselves and blaming others.

    We can't function on our own.

    We need others to change so we can be okay.

    We have lost the connection inside of us to move away.

    In abuse, when someone overpowers us, especially someone we love and trust, we become powerless to them.  We are then left minus the switch to move away.

    To function means you have your power back.  You can move towards and away from people and behaviors that don't feel okay to you…You become unfrozen.

    Without this switch, you are dysfunctional.  You can't function and be the one to move.  You are left in a place without legs.

    The Function of a victim is to be powerless, unable to move, frozen without choices.  Many folks get stuck in this position after abuse, especially if the abuser is your caretaker.  We simply are left without a choice, we can't move, so we grow up in the position of being powerless.

    Being powerless and being unable to move is the function of a victim, and a victim we will remain, until we can move.

    While my whole family of origin sees me as being cold bitter, angry and stuck, it is actually the complete opposite.  I am free and functional for the first time since my father's abuse.  I lived as a victim for 4o years, and now in the last 7 have been working to become functioning as a natural human being.

    I now have the ability to move away from folks who hurt me, who bring toxic energy…

    In order to function again, you first have to see where you are unable to move…where you are a victim, where you haven't moved away from abuse…That is my meaning of being authentically dysfunctional; you have to be real with what is not working in your life.

    If you cannot see your self in prison, you can't set your self free.

    And I do believe, that it is easier at times to stay prisoner in a life that you know, compared to walking free into one that you don't know.  

    Just as in the experiment of mice, who were raised in a shock box, one that would emit shocks in order for them to eat…when they were given two choices, a box without shocks and food or one with, they all chose to continue with what they were used to.

    I do get that it is easier to continue being shocked than it is to learn a new way of being.  It is easier to sit in the jail and be a victim, than it is to walk free.

    But the bottom line, is that you and you alone decide to move your switch or to let it be.  Once you know, you can't not know…and once you know, you are willingly being a victim, and then, IS that really a victim or are you now an active participant?

    Being authentically dysfunctional is admitting you can't function…and in acknowledging you are unable to function, is the first function of becoming functional.

    If you can't see where you lost your power, you can't get it back…it remains lost.  

    Sometimes, it is hard to get your power back from those who took it in the first place, harder still if you believe love is attached.  But here is what I know for sure, love will never leave you powerless.

    (Dysfunction, equals no power, which then adds up to no love.)

     

     

  • Eyes of a Child

    While mowing the grass last night it came to me that the attacking and jousting for position isn’t about whether there is abuse or not abuse, what was right or wrong, or even the way it is treated or not treated, but rather a more subtle yet ferocious component, it is the fear of no love.

    I have mistaken this for the strength of love, but it is actually velocity of fear.

    Many of the old Masters and wise teachers have all alluded to this; you get to live your life based on fear or on love.

    What we are experiencing is as old as time, the two energies showing their true natures, two sides meeting and clashing, the polar opposites opposing each other.

    Fear is False Events Appearing Real, so what we really have is the battle between the truth and what is not the truth.

    Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “You know, most people around the world believe that there is a great conflict in the Universe, a conflict of good and evil.  Well, that is not true.  It’s true that there is a conflict, but the conflict only exists in the human mind, not in the Universe.  It’s not true for the plants or the animals.  It’s not true for the stars and the trees, or for the rest of nature. It’s only true for humans. And the conflict in the human mind is not between good and evil.  The real conflict in our mind is between the truth and what is not the truth, between the truth and lies.  Good and evil are just the result of that conflict. The result of believing in the truth is goodness, love, happiness. When you live your life in truth, you feel good, and your life is wonderful.  The result in believing lies creates what you call evil; it creates fanaticism. Believing in lies creates all of the injustices, all of the violence and abuse, all of the suffering, not only in society but also in the individual.  The Universe is as simple as it is or it is not, but humans complicate everything.”  Don Miguel Ruiz 

    Life is really this simple, it is or it is not.

    What we are arguing about is what is or what is not.

    Who is or who is not.

    It isn’t complicated or deep and children do this well.

    Don Miguel writes, “"As little children, we are completely authentic.  We never pretend to be what we are not.  Our tendency is to play and explore, to live in the moment, to enjoy life.  Nobody teaches us to be that way; we are born that way.  This is our true nature before we learn to speak."

    This is what I believe Jesus meant by believing like little children; to be in the truth, to walk with the truth, to see the truth, to be authentic.

    Read more from Don Miguel on this subject in Carl’s blog,

    www.messyguru.typepad.com  Titled, "Being Effortless."

    What Don Miguel stated, “The result in believing lies creates what you call evil; it creates fanaticism.”  Fanaticism is the key component that makes up cults or extreme religions; they are not based on extreme love.

    Fanatics are extremists, and from my experience of the FALC they all believe in lies… Lies, which create evil.

    The lies I am speaking most generally about is, that they believe they can wash away reality and that it will no longer exist, and that is one major lie.

    The mother of all lies that follow.

    They have complete faith in something that isn’t real, their faith and trust is placed fear.

    And this act alone creates the fanatical responses, the evil energies we feel attacking us.  We do not feel the energies of love, but the biting words of fear.

    And sometimes after they bite us, they come back with ‘love’ words; they try hiding their fear with kind words, for even their own evil scares them.

    What I hadn’t considered or understood was the level or degree of evil and lies they had faith in, and how frightened or terrified they are to have it disclosed and revealed…

    However, I recall vividly the moment all my true lies collapsed, when all I had faith in evaporated and the terror it left me standing in…and yet in the exact same moment when my world collapsed a grand new one was born, the world of truth.

    And I truly became like a child again.  I didn’t hear what people were saying, but I watched their actions.  Words became meaningless, actions was the true path I followed.

    This world of truth became a spectacular landscape which was very easy to walk in, it was steady and never changing, and there was nothing I had to learn, do or believe in, it was all there in front of me.

    I gave up all past beliefs and thoughts, and simply walked in life with eyes of a child.

     Smug mug pics 104

     

  • Meaning of Crazy

    I am thinking Crazy is a perception, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I too think crazy is.

     

    It all depends upon where you are in your life.

     

    When I lived in untruths…truth was crazy.

     

    And now that I live in truths, untruths are crazy.

     

    As a child living with a parent who is seeped in falsehoods, speaking the truth is crazy talk and something to get punished for.

     

    You are taught that truth is crazy…whether overtly or by assumption…so you learn that being truthful is how ‘mental’ people speak.

     

    In my experience, those we call mentally challenged are really pretend challenged.  They simply cannot pretend away the realness of life. They call it like they see it.

     

    I have a very strong suspicion that there is a huge part missing in the mental health system, and that is the truth of the reality these people come from.

     

    It is insane to me that the detective that was in my home collecting evidence to arrest my father for being a pedophile, says to me, “I hope this will not affect your relationship with him.”

     

    That is insane.  You are arresting my father for sexual criminal misconduct with minor girls and are asking me to keep a good relationship with him????

    Is it a wonder I didn’t trust the ‘people in charge’ of bringing him to Justice?

     

    So, crazy is a sliding scale and will appear different depending upon the level of awareness and frank truth you live with.

     

    Crazy to me is not seeing the truth or owning your own truth…living in a land of pretending what isn’t so.

     

    I distanced myself from my mother and the siblings that believe like the detective, that sexual criminal misconduct should stand in the way of a good relationship.

     

    Crazy is as crazy does…isn’t that a saying from somewhere.

     

    I guess like love, we all have our own meaning of Crazy.