I M Perfect lady

Tag: mind

  • My Body and Mind are with Me.

    I have been working on a book that has photographs of my quilts along with some writings and it feels like it is a completion to my Art Therapy. Sitting with each quilt and writing about what wisdom it imparted to me; a journey in fabric.

    I now can see why folks write books, for it takes all the loose ends and ties them together, completing a section of your journey.  I am seriously thinking now, of doing a reading book…one that will encapsulate how it feels to wake up in abuse and walk with truth in order to be free.

    It finally feels like I have picked apart and investigated many aspects of abuse and that I can leave it behind with full understanding…knowing it, will allow me to sidestep the same potholes in my future.

    The greatest part of my journey wasn't the act of abuse, but how I developed and grew from there.  How my mind was completely changed to make me believe in an alternate reality, one where I lived for 40 years.

    In my experience, healing from abuse is to work your way back to reality…where the truth fits in.

    It feels like I am entering into a new phase, one that isn't so littered with fragments of an unexplored life.  The mountain of abuse has to be climbed, it isn't good enough to just glance its way and walk on.  I had to become intimate with abuse in order to rescue my self from it.

    Abuse had infested each aspect of my life, for I was the common denominator and my mind was present in each of my life experiences, even when the truth was kept out. A confused mind recorded my history, "weaving the most plausible story"…as Dr. Jill Bolte writes.

    Wrestling my life back from my mind and correcting its errors has been a thrilling terrifying ride.  

    Martha Beck describes it this way. "I recall its horror and beauty, the enormity of all the things I have lost and the incalculable preciousness of the things I have gained.  I wouldn't give up the journey – not a moment of it.  On the other hand I have no desire to live it again."  

    I agree with her 100%.  I have no desire to restart this process of rewiring my mind connecting it to reality…nor would I want to again go through the disconnection of so many relationships.

    It truly is like killing one life and birthing another. Harder than death, for in death, you are just gone.  Now, I am gone from their lives, but alive.

    I felt the death of my old life. I grieved for me…while resurrecting a me.

    All that really died were lies….and what was born was truth.

    But, the lies I had come to love.

    And now I had to learn to love the truth…it took awhile for me to love the truth, for the first tastes of truth were seasoned with abuse.

    Now, I am comfortable here.  

    I love truth, and feel uncomfortable with lies and skirting around issues and pretend…or silence about the things that matter.

    I even believe that my mind is happier, more at peace, relaxed and content…for it no longer has to manufacture an overlay to hide what I didn't want to know.

    My body and mind are at ease, they agree.

    My Spirit feels safe to be me…for it no longer has a conflicted perception of the world in front of it.

    Where I am, my body and mind are with Me.

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  • We abuse our self.

    I am working on putting a Picture Book together with my Story Line quilts…and writing a brief synopsis about each quilt as it represents a portion of my journey.

    I have a visual graph of my inner transformation as I undid abuse and changed my perceptions back to the truth.

    Change is a very slippery word and it often times gets misconstrued, for we are expecting a dramatic life altering physical change, when all that is required is a 360 degree perceptional change.

    It is to change HOW you see things, not the things.

    To remove yourself from one belief and settle your self into another.

    Moving your awareness.  Rearranging your thoughts to match reality instead of using thoughts to cover up what is real.

    What most may fail to recognize, are the changes we fail to make when abuse calls upon us.  Many will focus on the physical act, but few will focus on our perceptions.

    In an abusive home, where abuse isn't addressed…what this means is that, perceptions don't change to now match the new reality.  It isn't that the act isn't dealt with, but rather the perceptions don't change to mirror what just happened.

    It is this that totally screws with the minds of a child.

    Here is the deal.

    My father CHANGED when he acted out sexually to me.  At this point, my viewpoint of him should have changed too.  When I didn't change this inside of my head.  My head no longer matched reality.

    With a head that is askew, I then built my life.

    To undo the abuse, what we are really saying is that we need to straighten out our perceptions.  We have to now make the changes we failed to make way back then.

    It sounds so simple, but I had created a whole life, based on the wrong perceptions.

    I now had to change a father into a pedophile, a mother into his accomplice, and it left me with a new family portrait.

    Change one picture, and the rest start to shift.

    My father changed when he abused me and I didn't act like anything had changed. 

    However, my reality had changed, I just wasn't allowed to let my perceptions of him change.

    Instead of recording the actual event, it recorded things that surrounded it.

    I don't have many memories of my childhood, but I do have wierd ones.

    However, most importantly, my body recorded it accurately.  IT feared my father.

    It didn't want to get close to him.

    No matter what my mind concocted, my body held the correct perceptions.

    I had to change my mind to match what my body felt.

    Undoing abuse means you have to change your mind.

    It doesn't mean forcing your body to feel comfortable or at ease with someone who has hurt you.  It means to follow your body's lead.

    When you change the perceptions in your head to match reality, you will begin to act differently. 

    You will act in kind to reality.

    I no longer felt I had to force myself to be in relationships with family who I no longer trusted or felt safe with…or whose perceptions didn't match reality.

    The greatest tragedy of abuse is that we don't change our perceptions of the person who hurt us.  We want a mother and father so badly, we will think anything to maintain this in our heads.  And as little helpless children, we needed to believe that we were safe.  We wouldn't have survived knowing there was no one there to save us, that we were living in the home of a pedophile and his wife.

    How awful this is to an abused child.  Your wounds go unattended, in order to keep up the perceptions in your home.  If they see your abuse, they will see the monster who lives there too.

    In order to keep the illusion going, you adjust your perceptions.

    Most have no clue what this does to a human being.  It makes you insane.

    Insanity is seeing a reality that doesn't exist.

    Seeing a father where a pedophile stands.

    I became sane, when I saw reality…my perceptions finally matched my body.

    Abused children who are abused by a family member, are usually neglected in order to keep the abusive family member. Rarely is the child treated and the family member removed.

    They would rather keep an abusive father than live without one.

    The child then learns, to overlook abuse and keep the relationship.

    What we fail to appreciate is that we are holding onto abuse and there is no relationship outside of that.  Our new relationships are abuse.

    It is abusive to ourselves to change our truth and perceptions to go against reality.

    We keep a 'loving' father and we abuse our self.

  • The Images in our Minds

    "It is because of awareness that we know what is going on in consciousness.  It is because of consciousness that we know what is going on in mind.  Because of mind, we are aware of what is going with sensations. Because of sensations, we are aware of what is going on with the body.  Consequently, that which we are – that which is aware, that which we really mean by the ultimate "I" and the infinite Self, and that which is conscious – is operationally many levels removed from the body.  The interesting thing is that the body expresses and does what the minds holds.  One is subjected to what the mind believes.  In other words, the body, being like a puppet, is controlled by the mind, both consciously and unconsciously.  Few people realize he power of mind over body."  David Hawkins, Healing and Recovery.

    What amazes me continually, is the fact that so many people live lives unquestioning and firmly NOT wanting to know, to look at what was put in their minds and how?  Many are very content following blindly (unconscious) never daring to not follow meekly and without question. 

     I am not sure what brings or strengthens a person's awareness, but without awareness, your life gets left at the same level you were raised in.

    It seems awareness is the ability to question and research your past.

    And you know, the ones with the most to hide, research the least, question nothing and blindly face the future, never wanting to know, know, know what really went on.  Who did what to whom and how did it affect them.

    Parents who abused their children, are the ones firmly intent on letting the past go….letting their sins fade away.  They are the ones who fear questions of the past and fear awareness of what went on…and even worse, face the responsibility of their actions and how it then affected the young and impressionable who lived with them.

    Instead of looking deeply within themselves and their past, they focus intently on the future, like running away…yet they can't.

    Their past rides with them in the lives of their children.  The abuse program virus runs on.

    By not looking, you don't escape.  In fact, it is what keeps your mind in control, your failure to bring in awareness, allows the past to keep re-creating itself. 

    If you were born into a family of abuse and don't want to research it, you will then run on the same program set into place.  

    Somehow the vast majority of society believes that by not focusing on what happened, you will be set free…that you can live  your life forward, without exploring what was put into you.

    It is like you are running a software program to which you don't want to know its content.  Or, you want to believe you are running a wonderful program called loving kindness, when in fact it is one based on fear and abuse.

    There is no way in hell you can live in a home of abuse and come out with a program called love and caring.  NONE.  

    And unless you un-program what was given to you, what you soaked up living in that space, you will live your life with that program leading the charge.

    Running from the source of how you were programmed will not change the program.

    You literally are a software program and will have to change this program while its running in your mind.  Sorting through each untrue thought and switch it around.

    For what I am most certain of is that the child of abuse, in order to survive, changes the labels of emotions or doesn't record them at all.

    It makes a software program that doesn't record truth and reality.

    This illusions software is what it lives with. These are the glasses in which it sees the world. These are the backwards thoughts that live in its head.  The flipped upside down viewpoint of all things.

    We create this fake software in order to survive and it gets left running, unless we become aware of its wrongness.

    You can change locations, stop going to church, you can change clothes and houses, but the software continues to beat out its madness.  You can't change it by changing location.  You can only change it from the inside out.

    You have to see what is programmed and cancel it out.

    And those who will not see abuse, can't cancel it out. The abuse software then run their lives…it lives within them, it can't be out run…the virus isn't on the outside, it is in your head.

    Abuse isn't something out there. Abuse is living with a software program that is the opposite of reality.

    Imagine if you will, if children didn't depend upon their parents in order to survive, do you believe that they would simply allow themselves to be beaten, raped and fondled and be okay with it???

    We have to change the program inside for we can't change the outside. We are forced to live in an alternate universe and get lost there.

    We lose our way back to reality…

    Running away physically will not correct this program.  It is like changing the screen the projector is shining upon.  There is nothing wrong with the screen, but the projector is playing a movie called illusion.

    We say the opposite of what we feel….a film about what isn't our truth.

    In my experience, truth re-programed me.  

    What a parent who is abusing their child fears the most, is that we won't stay programmed, that we will awaken and become aware…that we will truly see and begin to untangle the mess…

    For when we do, our world flips and so do the images in our minds.

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    (Photograph by Hannah Jukuri)

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • “Healing and Recovery”

    A continuation from "Healing and Recovery", by David Hawkins.

    "Within each and everyone is that intrinsic innocence that never dies, no matter how long we live; it is intrinsic to the nature of consciousness itself.  The innocence of the child is what bought the mistake or negative program in the first place.  It is helpful to be aware that the intrinsic innocence of the child is still present in everyone.  It is the innocence that watches television and naively buys into the negative programming due to its lack of discernment. The innocence of the child has no warning within it, nothing that says, "This is a world that is out to program you with as much negativity as you are willing to buy."  In fact, that world gets well paid to do so because advertising is often based on appealing to the negative energy fields.  All our fears, desires, and pridefulness are represented below the level of 200.  It takes the willingness to be aware that within us in our innocence needs to be protected."

    "When we look at "self-care", which is the capacity to love one's self, we find it now means taking responsibility to protect ourselves from the consequences of that innocence and the willingness to undo mistakes that the mind picked up as a result.  We can then handle looking at ourselves and healing that which we find within us if we accept the awareness of the intrinsic innocence of our consciousness.  We see that it was the innocence that was programmed. We then take responsibility for that and say, "In my innocence, I bought all that; I didn't know any better.  I thought that the right thing to do was to be judgmental, to condemn people, and to judge them as right and wrong.  Now I see that all that has made me sick, so I'm going to let it go."  The people who are willing to look into this and go through the processes already described had complete, and full recoveries from their illnesses."

    "The capacitiy to be forgiving is within us, along with the capacity for compassion.  Out of it comes a general attitude about the way in which we look at ourselves. From our bigness, from our greatness, we look at our humanness through forgiving eyes and begin to forgive ourselves as well as others for all the things that were limitations and denials of the truth.  All the things in the energy fields below 200 are denials of the truth; all those above 200 are the acceptance of that which is true and positive.  Because our body reflects what the mind believes, and the mind reflects our spiritual position, spirit has the greatest power of all. Therefore, our spiritual position literally determines whether we have a healthy physical body or not."

    "Once we are willing to accept the power of the mind, we have to be attentive, persevering, and not let mind get away with expressing negativity.  We have to stop it as soon as we become aware of it. We have to begin to develop an awareness of negativity and recognize it for what it is. We let go of false humility and start questioning such remarks as, "Well, you know, I'm not very bright," or " My handwriting is poor," or "I gain weight eating the same amount of food that thin people eat."  The minute we become aware of ourselves saying or thinking these limiting, self-defeating, self-attacking thoughts, we have to stop and cancel them."

    "The handwriting is poor because there is a belief system that we have poor handwriting, so we then reverse the whole programming of the mind as far as cause and effect.  We are returning to a principle that we can demonstrate through our own experience.  It is physical and the expression of the mental, not vice-versa."

    "We came to the conclusion that our handwriting is poor because the cause was in the mind, in the belief system.  It may have been a remark picked up during childhood.  Someone may have said, "Your handwriting is poor," and from that point forward, the program is operative.  We have to look at the ingenuity of the unconscious mind to really see it.  It would be great if one had some experience in watching hypnotic experiments.  It has been shown that if a person is told their legs will be itching when they awaken, and then induce amnesia for the suggestion, when the person wakes up, they are asked how they feel.  Instantly the mind will start creating the most marvelous and convincing argument of why the person's legs should itch.  The person doesn't just say, "Well, my legs itch."  The mind always gets creative and starts explaining, "Well, I have wool pants on, and you know I'm allergic to wool, and the heat in this room is steam heat, and that always creates the itching."  It is just marvelous to listen to the inventiveness of the mind as it begins to create reasons for the symptoms, which, as stated above, were place within the hypnotic subject on purpose.  The mind will do the same thing without formal hypnosis, so it is helpful to look at ourselves as though we have been hypnotized for half our lives and did not even realize it."

    "What is hypnosis?  It is suggestibility, is it not?  It means to be in an unguarded, suggestible, relaxed state, so anytime we have been in that state, we have picked up all the programming, and whether we remember it or not, it is still operative.  All the times we were half asleep as we sat in front of the television set, hour after hour of programming went into the mind and became unconscious hypnotic programs."

    "We can discover what we have been programmed with by watching to see what comes up, such as the idea that, "I'm no good.  Oh, I'm no good, I'm no good. I never was very good at playing cards."  If we have the belief system of not being very good at playing cards, that is what is going to operate in our life and also reinforce that belief system.  The belief system become self-reinforcing and self-fulfilling prophecies. A belief that is held unwittingly can manifest in our life, thus justifying the belief system.  By looking at our lives, we can tell what beliefs are being held.  If we cannot recall them, then we say they are unconscious or have unwittingly picked up from the collective consciousness of society."

    "Heath is the automatic expression of higher energy fields.  The fields of 540 and over are the levels of gratitude, forgiveness, and healing. The willingness to be forgiving and grateful in itself automatically begins the healing process.  Becoming a loving being in the energy fields of love is not sentimentality or emotionalism.  What the world calls love is more often about dependency, control, sentimentalism, and emotionalism.  It is an emotional, sentimental attachment in which control is going back and forth, and there is the satisfaction or desiringness on both sides.  This is the Hollywood version of love."

    "When you hear someone say, "I used to love George, but I don't anymore," it means that they never did love George. What was really meant is that they had a sentimental attachment, sort of a solar-plexus kind of 'hanging onto', which the person romanticized and glamorized within their life, pouring a lot of emotional energy into it so that when the tie was broken, up came a lot of negative emotion."

    "Real love is unconditional love.  Unconditional love is a decision we make within ourselves.  The process is one of intention and the decision to be a loving person.  If I decide to love you, that is my inner decision.  There is nothing the other person can do about it…" David Hawkins

     

  • Mind, Body and Spirit

    "Healing and Recovery" by David Hawkins…he is writing about health.

    "We also have to look at how experience is actually experienced. The body itself is insentient, as curious as that may seem.  It has no capacity to experience itself. The next level comes through sensations, from the senses of the body, so we do not experience the body; instead, we experience the sensations of the body.  Senses themselves have no innate capacity to experience themselves. They are experienced in mind.  The sense report what is going on with the body, so we are several levels removed.  Mind itself is unable to experience its own experience. It has to be in a greater, larger energy field than itself, and in this case, it is the energy field of consciousness.  Because of consciousness, we are aware of what is going on in mind.  Mind then tells us via the senses what is going on in the body.  We can see that perception is several levels removed from the physical body.  Consciousness itself requires something greater than itself, called awareness.  Awareness allows us to know what is going on in consciousness and reports what is happening within mind.  Mind in turn reports what is happening about the body via the senses."

    "That which we call 'myself' is many levels removed from the physical body.  It is necessary to understand that fact because we then see that the mind has power over the body.  We can appreciate the physics of the energy fields of the 400s, and see that, just by their sheer power, they are greater than the energy field of the physical body.  The physical body (calibration level 200) does what the mind tells it to do.  Therefore, if the mind says, "I have this disease," the body complies."

    "We can thus see the importance of not buying into programs, all of which are really limitations of the truth.  We can see the importance of consciously canceling the limiting programs and instead saying something that is the truth.  The truth is, "I am an infinite being not subject to that."  So, when people hear something such as "Eggs are full of cholesterol, and cholesterol gives you heart disease," they accept the thought as the truth and buy into the belief system that the cholesterol in eggs will raise their blood cholesterol. Their bodies simply agree and raise the blood cholesterol when eggs are eaten."

    "One time I had a very high cholesterol level and began to cancel the belief system.  I repeatedly said, "I am an infinite being; I am not subject to that.  I am only subject to what I hold in mind. This does not apply to me, and I hereby cancel it and refuse it."  If the mind can program you with a negative belief system, it can also reverse itself, can it not?  Therefore, we begin telling ourselves that the belief system has no effect on us, that it is only a belief system, and that we do not have to buy into it or go into agreement with it."

    "When we go into agreement with a belief system, we give it the power of the collective energy of that belief.  When we refuse it, we then release ourselves from the collective energy of the belief system and count ourselves out.  One attitude is to not buy into agreement with negative belief systems that have to do with our health.  This is very important when it comes to epidemic suggestions and hysteria. The programming that comes in is aided and abetted by an emotional program."

    "Much is still heard about AIDS, for example, which is accompanied by constant repetition in the media that play on fear – Fear about this, anger about that, and of course, the guilt about this.  What better disease to bring up all of man's feelings of sinfulness and guilt, especially about ones sexuality, which is so common in all cultures, not just ours.  Of course, it then takes on a negative energy when the coin is turned over and becomes the lowest.  What better area in which to create an epidemic to ensure the belief in it?  There is the unconscious guilt, not to mention the conscious guilt about one's sexuality, the sadness about it, the grief over it, and the fear about the disease itself.  All this contributes to setting the stage for a mental belief system in an energy field of 400s.  There is also the negative energy field of fear, which is the energy field of 100s, plus the guilt of calibration of level 30.  This is the exact set-up for disease because the mind chooses that with which it is impressed and uses that as a form of expression."

    "In the case of the cholesterol experiment I cancelled the thought every time it came up.  After a short time, the cholesterol level decreased, and now I can eat three eggs for breakfast every morning, lots of cheese, even other high cholesterol foods, yet my cholesterol is low and sometimes even below normal for my age."

    "The body will do exactly as the mind believes, but there is a credibility problem here. The persons ask, "How could just my belief in that make it happen within my life?"  It is due to the nature of the unconscious, which creates the opportunity for that to occur. There is the person who is 'accident prone' because that belief has taken hold in their mind.  Unconsciously, the person just manages to get their body in the right place at the right time in order to get hit by the fender of a car, or slip down stairs, or get hit on the head.  There is no need to worry about it because the mind will find a way.  People just slip into a sort of hypnotic trance and expose themselves to the correct opportunities to make that program manifest in their lives (e.g., extreme sports, climbing Mt. Everest, etc)."

    "There have been many experiements with a cold virus, for instance, in which one hundred volunteer subjects were exposed to very heavy doses of a cold virus.  Interestingly, not everyone ended up with a cold, just a certain percentage. In other words, if the power were in the virus itself rather than within unconsciousness, all one hundred would have gotten a cold because the virus is so potent. What happens is that maybe only sixty-five percent will get it because one-third of the subjects do not believe in it.  There is sufficient doubt within the mind, along with insufficient unconscious guilt.  It is not acceptable to the person to express it in that form, so nothing is universal."  David Hawkins

    How very interesting to know that the mind is more powerful than the body, and that which is held in the mind is manifested in the body.  Deepak Chopra has been saying this as well.  Yet we continue to deal and focus on the body as the problem.

    What I also love, is the mind that can be programmed, can then be unprogrammed, by programming it to know this.  

    Also the body calibrates at 200, the mind at around 400…which is why it can overpower and control the body, but the Spirit is at 500, which can overpower the mind.

    What I witnessed and fully grasped was the mind's powerfulness…and then the power of my Spirit, which is of no comparison.  

    It was the awareness of the Spirit, of consciousness that could see the mind and its strength, even when it was fully enmeshed in the negative fields of guilt, shame and fear, and how it held my body and my life prisoner…

    I had to cancel out so many beliefs of mind and intellect and reason and replace them with knows of Spirit.

    What a process and what a brilliant intricate dance, where no one is of greater power or less than the next.  We are all held into place by the same system of calibrations and beliefs.

    The epic struggle between, mind, body and Spirit.

  • Dream it differently.

    It seems like life can be broken down into two categories; those who are dream weavers about reality and those who walk right down the middle of reality.  

    I have lived both ways…and know that the dream weavers are not aware that they are not in reality or that their dream isn't real.  They have been sucked into the dream from the time they were very little and all their love and security lies within the dream…and reality is harsh and bitter, cold and uncomfortable, if leaves no room for dreams.

    Did you know that only those of us who have been abused or NOT allowed to live naturally and organically as a Spiritual Being on a human journey, build dreams. 

    Only those of us with a harsh reality build a dream above it.

    We live there NOT because we are dreamers, but because it hurts too much to live in reality.  The deeper the dream…the harsher reality.

    As a child it would have been too painful to know that my father hurt me and my mother didn't care.  I had to paint a better picture, and I did….and then I got so lost from reality, that I lived the picture instead.

    It isn't a Conscious thought, it is the natural survival mechanism…to go into your mind to escape reality.  

    I lived there for 46 years in a picture about reality and then one day a little girl spoke my truth and I heard it.  

    I heard that voice say what I recognized and it didn't match the picture I had in my mind, but it matched the feelings in my body.

    I was then catapulted out of the picture and was immediately immersed in a life that was full of strangeness and horror, but it felt completely right.

    There is no point in arguing with folks who are living their lives in the dream state, who find it too painful to step into reality…you literally can't reach them.  

    They don't want us to be part of the dream. And in fact we will awaken them to the dream they are living.  I believe their minds are quick to shut us down and toss us out, the quicker the better, for you are ruining their dreams.

    It was extremely painful and exhilarating to awaken from the dream I had created, and be doused with reality's icy cold awareness, but it clearly saved my soul.

    I believe that my picture shell was cracking prior to the big shatter; that I had begun to get disenfranchised by it all, I was no longer totally believing in the dream…yet not ready or totally comfortable about leaving the picture behind.  In fact, I had wondered how I would be able to do that which I longed for.

    I had started to doubt the church and wondered how to get out.

    I had started to resent my mother more and more.

    I had yearned to be free to just be me…a different me, a Lighter me, a me that wasn't so bogged down by others.  Yet I had no clue how to do it.  Where to begin???

    I had backed up from church and even being involved fully in family. Even if I arrived at the functions, I had begun to look at things differently.

    I was ripe for the change when the drama hit.  I was perfectly cured to popping out.  I had had it.  I was tired of the life I was living, it no longer inspired me…it instead felt completely draining.  It was hard to live as me.  I was done.  I just didn't know how to live diferently, what I wanted or even how or where to begin.

    And like the magic of the Universe and the stars all lined up.  I was ready to leave and the opportunity arose…when the truth knocked this time, I answered the door.

    It was no accident in my life, no tragedy, but a longed for escape…a doorway to the truth.

    What I didn't understand at the time, was that I was waking up in my life.

    I wasn't tired of living, of was tired of not living my truth.  My picture making energies were quickly drying up…I was exhausted.

    I wonder if depression really is losing the ability to keep a picture going?

    It seems totally and utterly implausible to believe that you can paint a pretty picture and fully and completely believe in it….but I did.

    However, once it begins to crack and fall apart, you will have to paint even harder to keep the picture going.  I literally lost all my power to create something out of nothing.  When my father's crimes came around once again…I didn't try to dream it differently.

     

  • Make Things Disappear.

    "It seemed that the great tragedy of human life had always been that the psyche is so easily deceived; discord and strife have been the inevitable consequences of mankinds inability to distinguish the false from the true."  David Hawkins

    It is the greatest tragedy of all that our psyche is so easily deceived, and that we put stock in our psyche instead of the signals within our own bodies…we fail to appreciate the incredible living organism of truth we reside in.

    The fundamentals of the FALC's doctrine to Bless away actions and BELIEVE it to have disappeared, is this tragedy at work.  It is preached and demonstrated time and time again…literally leading folks to deceive their psyche, which leaves the child living in a land of discord and strife.

    You truly are left with a totally screwed up psyche, and this messed up psyche is where you base your truths…Not in Reality.

    What just leaves me breathless, is that the children's psyche is easily deceived, and they are born into a system that relies on this, and they never can bow out gracefully into reality.

    Within the confines of the church and its pews, having a totally messed up psyche is seen as being a 'good' christian…but when it bumps into the law of the land or outside of the bricks and mortar, it is seen as crazy, nuts, certifiably insane.

    If our psyche wasn't so easily deceived, there would be no religion.

    What is so tragic to me in religious dysfunctional families is that God is portrayed as one of the psyche ruining machines. That he too wants us to erase actions and then in doing so you get the front seat on the bus to Heaven.

    God wants us to erase reality, to unslap a slap, to unrape a rape. Really?

    God is pictured or depicted as a very dysfunctional elder of the church and parent.  That His Heaven is filled with people whose psyche is easily deceived…or actually, that it is filled with 'good' kids who don't tell and continue to play the game called abuse.

    The God in the church I feared…but had to love.  Same as my father.

    In order to have a 'good' after life or future, I had to bless away reality…same as being in my parents home.  In order to get along, I had to overlook their actions in reality.

    What I see are the similarities between a dysfunctional home and religion.

    God is the abusive parent who we are expected to "Fear and Love God"

    I truly did have the fear and love combined in all my loves…

    Seven years ago my psyche broke, it had enough.  I felt like I had a stroke in my thinking, and some may say, I went nuts, crazy and out of my mind, that I am certifiably insane.  But here is what I know for sure, is that I stopped believing in my psyche and began paying deep attention to my body and reality.

    I refused to play the deception game…with my mind.

    I refused to not see, that which was clearly present.

    My mother literally visited my father in jail, seen the orange jumpsuit and could not see a criminal, instead she seen a husband.  Her disappointment was in that he wasn't a good husband. She failed to appreciate the actions of rape and molestation.  Her psyche continued to be deceived.

    My brother wasn't able to sentence a father, his psyche failed to see a criminal.

    Once you are onto your failing psyche it is an incredible ride into reality, where you now get to see all which your psyche changed.

    Masks fall off, actions are bold and in your face, life's raw nature lies fully exposed.  

    I no longer use my psyche to switch reality, but instead honor it in all its glory.

    The only place that falsehood lives is in the psyche; the only place a loving father resides after rape…is in your head.

    Isn't it incredibly tragic that the mind can play such games and even more tragic that religion has used the psyche to manipulate bodies?

    The deceived psyche moves the body into an alternate reality.

    This alternate reality may be called 'A loving family' or the one true path to heaven.

    Deception is the only way to get to heaven or to have a loving family.

    Deception is the common denominator that ran through my church and family; if only I would believe and make things disappear.

     

  • Programmed self.

    Sometimes I sit here aghast at the programming that runs within me and wondering how much of it is left running, when will I uproot the last thread.

     

    It is hard to believe that each and every thing we do is for a reason, it has a belief attached to it, an ironclad will that has been laced through the middle…and we have to destroy it or it will destroy us.

     

    It is like having an enemy’s mind living in our cells.

     

    I have been putting off having a sweet treat for a few hours to regain control of my craving button.  Usually, the button goes off and I run to find what it craves. 

     

    I am coming to learn that I will not die or go crazy without it, and that the whining subsides and the mind goes on to something else.  It is talking back to the control or putting it on pause that I believe will eventually give me back my power.

     

    This programmed system that has been running my life is more than the abuse and the church, for both also imprinted on me that bad was good and good was bad, that self loving was bad, and neglect was good, that feeling wretched was good and feeling good was bad.

     

    Which is why it is so hard to get one clear precise belief on any one thing, for my major CPU reads bad good and good bad.

     

    Even if my mind knows best, my operating system discerns the opposite. 

    Just as foreign as I seem to my family, which is what a veggie treat feels like to my body.  Or my actions of yoga compared to actions of co-dependency my family of origin is used to. They want to feed upon me, not have me be my own self.

     

    I am not certain I can articulate this correctly, but me doing good for me feels bad for them.  And me doing good for me feels bad for my programmed old self.

     

    What is good for my programmed self will destroy my real self.

     

    What is bad for the programmed self is good for me.

     

    I am getting the twist and seeing that it is normal to feel the angst and stress and force it takes to wrestle back our rightful feelings, to unhook and rehook them onto the right feelings.

     

    I was programmed to feel bad when I should have felt good and visa versa.

     

    Incredible that the feelings are in sync with messed up mind.

     

    I knew it wasn’t just that there was a belief that was running along un-questioned, but that the feelings were messed up too.

     

    My body was programmed feel the opposite.

     

    Programmed feelings instead of having natural ones.

    My programmed self loves sweet treats, I feel like I am getting something good, when I am really feeding myself something that has no value.

     

    Imagine, my treats are getting something of no value.

     

    Very interesting to watch what your programmed to like and do and to explore deeper and see what is going on behind the façade.

     

    Within my childhood religion, the same dynamics were going on.  The sins were for the programmed person, not the real self, in fact what is a sin for the programmed person most likely was good for me.

     

    To take back ownership of my body.

    To not bless away others actions.

    To question all things and not just follow submissively.

    To seek my own relationship with God.

     

    Interesting to see what is programmed into you and then learn how to de-program it.  Mostly by doing the opposite of your childhood…you will find your way out of the programmed self.

     

  • Why I left.

     There are times in life you have to realize that there is no common ground, where the differences are just too vast, where white is white and black is black, but the commonality between them is only that they are colors.

     

    Dialoguing the finer intricacies of being in a religion or being outside of it, you will not find a place to stand in agreement, just that one is in and the other is out.

     

    When you leave a religion and the folks who still remain, they can’t see why you left any more than you can see why they stay…and it doesn’t really pay to try and convince someone who is happy and content where they are.

     

    It is far better to gather into your world things that bring you happiness, love, peace and joy.  If theirs if found in their religion, let them be.  And if yours is found outside of their religion, own it and play vigorously in the wide open spaces.

     

    I keep bumping into folks who are in the cult like religion who are hell bent on convincing me it wasn’t cult like…while they still remain inside its strict rules or prison.

     

    There is no way the two shall meet.

     

    One is free and the other locked inside. Yet they have been convinced that it is their will to be there.  However, most of their lives are dictated by the beliefs and guidelines of this faith, they are unable to live totally free.  They are free within the confines of its walls.

     

    All the dialoguing does is affirm the reasons why I left.

     

     http://www.erinstales.blogspot.com/ is where you can see the exchanges…the blog is written by a young girl who just exited the FALC.  The blog post Mine has comments which you can see the insanity of trying to speak to each other, everything gets lost and tangled up…

     

     

  • Outside of the Mind.

    I went on a tour of The House on The Rocks in Wisconsin.

     

    At a distance it looks like a needle jutting outwards towards a rock formation, and the view from the garden seem architecturally intriguing, the surrounding landscape held trees of various sizes and types all growing on a hilly terrain… right in the middle of nature.

    We spent time in the gardens, taking pictures of the flowers and the fishes that swam in the lily ponds.  If this was the outside, we couldn’t imagine what the inside would be!

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    Our first entry was narrow and tight with low ceilings, dark and airless, carpeting lined the walls and floors and small windows let in a bit of light.

    As we exited into a transitional hallway, where we were able to walk out on the needle we had seen in the distance, we did then see we were above the trees or in the trees and nature surrounded us.  Once again we could see the sunshine and trees.

    And then the tour led us back inside, into dark mazelike rooms and hallways, were we couldn’t turn back and couldn’t get out.  We had no choice but go forward following the signs, “Tour continues”.

    The walls and interiors were lined with a collection of odd things, mismatched and yet similar in feeling.  From masks, to old dolls…their eye staring wildly…stuck behind the glass with lights shining upon them, the rest of the room dark. 

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     And placed in even darker corners imitation tiffany lamps.  It was said he kept the house dark to show off their colorful light. Interesting he honored them more than the brilliant nature right outside.

    The windows coverings were a dark blue, so we never glimpsed the light of outside. 

    And then came the windowless rooms, and in this darkened maze we walked, trying to neutralize the overwhelming heaviness of insanity…a carousel played its circus music, which added to the crazy energy, spinning around and around. 

    We went downward into a huge room that held a wale its innards exposed an octopus draped over it; one huge eye bore down on us.  Even in this huge cavernous room you felt stuck.  A narrow sidewalk kept us walking single file forward.

    Lining the walls was a collection of old toys, like forgotten memories neglected and hidden from children or remnants and artifacts of children.

    In the darkness and cave like atmosphere all things took on a sinister glow…perhaps each cried out from their prison. 

    I have seen old things reverently kept in museums, and these treasures were locked away in the darken bowels of this man’s creation, taking on his energy by how he displayed them.

    Our next stop the ‘house’ café, where fumes of cooking overwhelmed our already churning insides.  Amazingly there were folks dining, we walked by their tables, anxious to be set free.

    As we exited the dining room we met two young workers and asked how much longer the tour was. To which they replied 25 more minutes.  I asked if they could lead us back to the Zen gardens, and one replied he could, and we followed.

    My brother said that the inside of this structure was like taking a physical tour into his abused mind…

    In the years he and I have talked together, we have been trying to get him free from that confused maze like mind.

    He has a picture of himself prior to the abuse, and in it stands a little boy with a red sweater. So we always speak of his inner voice, his creative voice, his Spirit as the little boy in the red sweater.

    It was so incredible that it was a young lad in a red tee shirt that led us out and back to the Zen Garden…just like in my brother’s life.

    I was able to see and feel the energies of a mind gone insane, and see how there appears to be no way out and nowhere to sit down and be at peace, no way to find Light and freedom inside the mind.

    The tour was worth so much more than they charged, for it showed us a walking tour on how it feels to be lost in the abused mind and to see it sitting in reality surrounded by nature.

    It is encapsulated in the midst of splendid reality, shut out to itself, like a huge pocket in the land of sunlight, air and splendor, it is secluded and dark, narrow and airless…it again is like the mind…without the access to the right side.

    And the juxtaposition, Zen Garden – Dark airless rooms, maze like hallways, dead-end corridors…even the fake tiffany lamps could be seen as a false sense of hope or false prophets…just steps away are flowers, waterfalls, lily ponds and peace.

    A young woman we shared our experience with said it sounded like the religion she just exited.  On the outside it has a Zen Garden like look, but once you get in you are lost and in the darkness.

    What was so amazing and telling to me, were the reactions of others, some were doing jigs to the carousel music not feeling the energies there, for it they matched their own levels.  Others were like us anxious and feeling suffocating and needing to get out.

    It was a great gift to see the overall picture of the abused mind, a mind caught up in the crazy making of a dark religion lying in the middle of a Zen Garden.

    For it is literally true, that nature is our own natural state unless your sense of self gets caught up in the left side of your mind…

    We were able to see the insides of the man who created The House on The Rocks.  How scary to build this monstrosity in the midst of nature’s grandness, totally blocking it out.

    Just seeing the close proximity of the wide-open expanse of nature, the brightness, the airy breezes, the smells and sounds of nature, just outside of the darkened maze was profound.

    How like the human experience of either being in reality or lost in the confused mind.  Reality is always here; we just have to find our pathway. 

    The road that leads us back to being our self, to self expression, self awareness, to being the self we were meant to be, our unique expression of who we are…is found outside of the mind.

    “In order to experience the Ultimate Reality you have to be out of your mind.”  Neale Donald Walsh

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    Nature's brilliance!!!