I M Perfect lady

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  • Unplugged

    In the confusion between vulnerability and how it felt equal to abuse, I had to look up the definition of abuse.

    "to use wrongly, mistreatment, ill-use, to hurt or injure, improper use, abuse a privilege…"

    And vulnerability was  "exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed either physically or emotionally, susceptible to attack.

    So, it is two sides of the same coin.

    As a child we are innately vulnerable and 'accepted' ill-use and mistreatment due to the lack of alternatives…and even grew to accept this as normal.  Especially when we are treated this way from the folks who 'love' us.  Love then equals mistreatment…we mix love and ill-use of our selves and call it normal.

    We are stuck in the sate of vulnerability with those we 'love'…and those we love feel betrayed when we assert power, for being 'loving' is to be open to attack and ill-treatment.  How dare you shut them out.

    It is a muddled up mess when you believe love hurts and attacks…and in order to gain your power back you must shut the door against those you love.

    The powerless state of vulnerability and being ill-used in this state is that we never know self power.  We are taught to seek power from the powerless. 

    My children had the power to make me mad, etc…and I had to be stronger than them to keep my power…is what I thought.

    However, when I took my power back from my family of origin, I realized that I had been raising children with no power source within themselves.

    What a huge gift it was to give my children their power back and what a relief it was to be free of that power struggle; continual fight and fear of losing power.

    In abusive homes the children are left powerless, taught that love means allowing, acquiescing their rights, their feelings etc, they are always left helpless waiting for the 'powerful' to decide.

    They are lost to their own power source…and learn that power is 'out there' somewhere.  And happiness comes when you find a power source that doesn't hurt you.

    A kind power source…that you can plug into.

    Which is co-dependent.  You are not a self contained power source.

    I literally had a moment in time, where I unplugged everyone from me and me from everyone.  I stood powerless.  I had to find a way to live unplugged.

    It was the beginning of finding my authentic power…which Gary Zukav writes about…read below!

     

  • The Seat of the Soul, By Gary Zukav

    Here is the difference between the two kinds of power…

    "When power is seen as an external, the hierarchies of our social, economic and political structures, as well as the hierarchies of the Universe, appear as indicators of who has power and who does not.  Those at the top appear to have the most power and therefore, to be the most valuable and the least vulnerable.  Those at the bottom appear to be the least powerful, and, therefore, to be the least valuable and the most vulnerable.  From this perception, the general is more valuable than the private, the executive is more valuable than the chauffeur, the doctor is move valuable than the receptionist, the parent is more valuable than the child, the Divine, is more valuable than the worshiper. We fear to transgress our parents, our bosses, and our God. All perceptions of lesser and greater personal value result from the perception of power as external."

    "Competition for external power lies at the heart of all violence.  The secondary gain behind ideological conflicts, such as capitalism versus communism and religious conflicts,  such as Irish Catholic versus Irish Protestant, and geographical conflicts, such as Jew versus Arab, and familial and marital conflicts, is external power."

    "The perception of power as external splinters the psyche whether it is the psyche of the individual, the community, the nation or the world.  There is no difference between acute schizophrenia and a world at war.  There is no difference between the agony of a splintered soul and the agony of a splintered nation.  When a husband and wife compete for power, they engage the same dynamics that humans of one race do when they fear humans of another race."

    "From these dynamics, we have formed our present understanding of evolution as a process of ever-increasing ability to dominate the environment and each other.  This definition reflects the limitations of perceiving the physical world with only five senses. It reflects the competition for external power that is generated by fear."

    "After a millennia of brutality to one another, individual to individual and group to group, it is now clear that the insecurity which underlies the perception of power as external cannot be healed by the accumulation of external power. It is evident for all to see, not only with each newscast and evening paper, but also through each of our countless sufferings as individuals and as a species, that the perception of power as external brings only pain, violence and destruction. This is how we have evolved until now, and this is what we are leaving behind."

    "Our deeper understanding leads us to another kind of power, a power that loves life in every form that it appears,  a power that does not judge what it encounters, a power that perceives meaningfulness and purpose in the smallest details upon the Earth. This is authentic power.  When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose and meaning.  Life is rich and full.  We have no thoughts of bitterness. We have no memory of fear. We ar joyously and intimately engaged with our world. This is the experience of authentic power."

    "Authentic power has its roots in the deepest source of our being.  Authentic power cannot be bought, inherited, or hoarded. An authentically empowered person is incapable of making anyone or anything a victim.  An authentically empowered person is one who is so strong so empowered, that the idea of using force against another is not part of his or her consciousness."

    "No understanding of evolution is adequate that does not have at its core that we are on a journey toward authentic empowerment, and that authentic empowerment is the goal of our evolutionary process and the purpose of our being. We are evolving from species that pursues external power into a species that pursues authentic power. We are leaving behind exploration of the physical world as our sole means of evolution. This means of evolution, and the consciousness that results from an awareness that is limited to the five sensory modality, are no longer adequate to what we must become."

    "We are evolving from five-sensory humans into multi-sensory humans…"  Gary Zukav

     

     

  • I fear being closed up.

    "Anything we fear to lose – a home, a car, an attractive body, an agile mind, a deep belief – is a symbol of external power.  What we fear is an increase in our vulnerability.  This results in seeing power as external."  Gary Zukav, Seat of the Soul.

    The sentence about fearing an increase in our vulnerability really struck me.  Somehow I believe all choices boil down to this sentence.

    It isn't the actual change we fear, but the way it will open ourselves up to being vulnerable once again.  And the more you explore and peel back layers of your self, the more wide open you will feel.

    I had to go and look up the definition of Vulnerable. 

    "Susceptible to physical or emotional injury."  I was shocked to read that.  Are you not more susceptible to physical and emotional injury IN an Absive relationship, then if we were out?

    Yet, we fight or resist being vulnerable and in doing so you are more vulnerable while in those relationships, than working your way out.

    Another meaning was, "Open to attack, damage, assailable, vulnerable to critism, exposed."

    Again, it strikes me as not the meaning of vulnerable.  I thought vulnerable was to be wide open and soft.  Yet this meaning seems to be about opening yourself up for attack.

    No wonder no one wants to be vulnerable.

    I can see the two sides of vulnerablitiy.  However, just because you are wide open and exposed, it doesn't mean you will be attacked. To me, exploring the depths of abuse have made me wise to knowing what is abusive and what is not.

    The definitions of vulnerability also seem to come into play as you are trying to leave dysfunction; attacking and critism of your new ways.

    Very interesting to feel the wide scope of being Vulnerable.

    I feel more vulnerable; open, free and exposed and feel that is my greatest strength.  I no longer fear being vulnerable.  I fear being closed up.

  • It came True for me.

    In a room today were three forces, joined over a common cause; healing victims, empowering victims, reversing the affects of trauma, abuse and being victimized…finding a way to weave together many sources and journeys…Victims helping Victims using the support of all connecting agencies.

    Coming together were three pathways…The law of the land, the victims advocate and me.

    All of us cared about the healing of the victims, knowing the affects that linger long after the trial, no matter the outcome…win or lose, the victim still has wounds and scars that the justice system can't touch.

    We all recognized the healing that begins with the truth being spoken, no matter if a trial is forthcoming, just finding a person to hear your story raises you from the level of shame to acceptance.

    Acceptance carries you to courage and courage allows for your truth to be spoken…and what you need is a very open ear.

    In the room were open ears, willing spirits, like minds, and a dream.

    A dream that one day the shame of being a victim will lessen, where we can all meet and openly share.  For victims to leave their solitary journeys of silence and speak.  

    To stop suffering alone, ashamed…to be able to know that what they feel or not feel is normal.  That they are perfectly perfect living the affects of abuse.  Being confused and lost is the cost of abuse.

    This seems to be the last closet where humanity is hiding, where souls are suffering in silence, and shame the lock on the door.

    All three of us are equally as frustrated and perplexed as to what will open the door of abuse.

    What can we do to offer a path of empowerment and healing that overcomes the cloak of shame?

    How do you get such deeply hurting souls to expose secrets that their very survival depended on to keep silent?  How do we ask them to reveal to us who hurt them, when who hurt them is who they love and call family?

    Inside of family homes lives the monster that they have always called dad or uncle or brother or mother etc..how do we unhook them or ask them to open that door?  When that most likely will lead to them becoming estranged…How to heal…when healing means losing all that you have?

    It seems they are sitting on the bottom and we are asking to pull even that away…leaving them in a free fall…to where?

    I know this journey…I know what we are asking…And I know the cost, but I also know the reward.

    For four hours we talked and learned from each other and a dream was planted.

    Ironically or not, it is Martin Luther King Day….and it came to me after leaving the Dial-Help office…"I have a Dream."

    I have a dream to demolish the closets of shame that surround victims.  To empower each victim to tear down the walls…and to live free.

    Free and unashamed.

    Free and not guilty.

    Free in the truth of their lives.

    Learning not only about abuse, but how to unscramble its affects…learning to find the self they lost and hid away, in shame because of being abused.  

    I have a dream that all abused kids will return to their natural states of innocence…I believe in this dream, for it came true for me.

     

     

  • The Gift is in the Present.

    I am in a book club reading Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening".  It is written so that we read one reading per day.

    Today's reading I love.

    "So often we anticipate a reward for the uncovering of truth.  For effort, we expect money and recognition.  For sacrifice and kindness we secretly expect acceptance and love. For honesty, we expect justice.  Yet as we all know, the life of experience unfolds with a logic all its own.  And very often, effort is seen, and kindness is embraced, and the risk of truth is held as the foundation of how humans relate. However, the reward for breathing in not applause but air, and the reward for climbing is not a promotion but new sight, and the reward for kindness is not being seen as kind, but the electricity of giving that keeps us alive."

    "It seems the closer we get to the core of all being, the more synonymous the effort and its reward.  Who could have guessed?  The reward for uncovering the truth is the experience of honest being.  The reward for understanding is the peace of knowing.  The reward for loving is being the carrier of love.  It all becomes elusively simple.  The river's sole purpose is to carry water, and as the force of the water deepens and widens the riverbed, the river fulfills its purpose more.  Likewise, the riverbed of the heart is worn open over time to carry what is living."

    "All this tells us that no amount of thinking can eliminate the wonder and pain of living.  No wall or avoidance or denial- no cause or excuse- can keep the rawness of life from running through us.  While this may at times seem devastating, it is actually reassuring, because while the impermanence of life, if fixed on, can be terrifying, leaving us preoccupied with death, the very same impermanence, if allowed its infinite frame, can soothe us with the understanding that eve the deepest pain will pass."  Mark Nepo

    What I love so much about this is that I used to live solely in the reward system…and yet the rewards were often times not forthcoming.  I thought that I was giving wrongly, so I gave more and tried harder.  

    What I failed to realize is that the universal system had a logic all of its own…simply called experience.

    I was so focused on my just reward and waited and fretted and worried and hated and judged and stressed, that I long forgot the feeling of the experience.

    I lived, thought and acted all for a future reward.

    I literally gave for love and acceptance.  And when I stopped giving, the love and acceptance dried up.  It was an awful way to be loved…for it all depended upon me giving and they didn't have to give, all they had to do was give me love and acceptance. 

    I have said I was a whore for love and peace…and this is what it literally means.  I gave to get.

    When the justice system failed me and all the girls who were sexually abused by my father, it seemed that the universal logic was broke. 

    Yet our honesty worked supremely well. We got to experience how honesty and integrity feels.  

    If we put our focus on the 'just' reward, we would be sorely disappointed.  If you put your focus on the feelings and experiences of being honest with your past, it feels amazing.

    I can't even begin to explain the difference between living in the system of rewards compared to living in experience.

    To have zero expectations…

    When you remove the reward, all you are left with is the experience.

    And the experience is solely the focus.

    As Eckhart Tolle says, there are only three ways to experience life…Enthusiasm, Enjoyment and Acceptance….He says nothing about reward.

    I love that there are no rewards in living…that the gift is in the present!

  • What the truth Feels like.

    David Hawkins writes in his book, "Discovery of the Presence of God"…in a discussion about truth or falsehood and Kinesiology…and who is capable of doing the test etc.

    Calibration of Specific Levels

    "The critical point between positive and negative, between true and false, or between that which constructive or destructive, is the calibrated level of 200. Anything above 200, or true, makes the subject go strong; anything below 200, or false allows the arm to go weak."

    "Anything past or present, including images or statements, historical events, or personages, can be tested.  They need not be verbalized."

    "The Kinesiological test cannot be used to foretell the future; otherwise, there are no limits as to what can be asked. Consciousness has no limits on time or space; however, permission may be denied. All current or historical events are available for questioning. The answers are impersonal and do not depend on the belief system of either the tester or the test subject. For example, protoplasm recoils to noxious stimuli and flesh bleeds. Those are the qualities of these test materials and are impersonal.  Consciousness actually knows only truth because only truth has actual existence.  It does not respond to falsehood because falsehood does not have existence in Reality.  It will also not respond accurately to nonintegrous or egotistic questions, such as should one buy a certain stock."

    "Accurately speaking, the kinesiological response is either an "On" response or it is merely "NOT ON".  Like the electrical switch, we say the electricity is "ON" and when we use the term "OFF," we just mean that it is not there.  In reality, there is no such thing as "Off-ness." This is a subtle statement but crucial to the understanding of consciousness." 

    "Consciousness is capable of recognizing only Truth.  It merely falls to respond to falsehood. Similarly, a mirror reflects an image only if there is an object to reflect.  If no object is present to the mirror, there is no reflected image."

    Here is another section that I found extremely interesting….

    "Below consciousness level 200, comprehension is limited by the dominance of Lower Mind, which is capable of recognizing facts but not yet able to  grasp what is meant by the term 'truth' (it confuses res interna with res externa) and that truth has physiological accompaniments which are different from falsehood.  Additionally, truth is intuited as evidence by the use of voice analysis, the study of body language, papillary-responses EEG changes in the brain, fluctuations in breathing, blood pressure, galvanic skin responses, dowsing, and even Huna technique of measuring distance that the aura radiates from the body.  Some people have a very simple technique that utilizes the standing body like a pendulum (fall forward with truth and backward with falsehood)."

    "From a more advanced contextualization, the principles that prevail are that Truth cannot be disproved by falsehood any more than light can be disproved by darkness. The nonlinear is not subject to limitations of the linear.  Truth is of a different paradigm from logic and thus is not 'provable', as that which is provable calibrates only in the 400's.  Consciousness research kinesiology operates at level 600, which is at the interface of the linear and the nonlinear dimensions." David Hawkins

    While these words may be hard to follow and even discern what he has found to be true, we are all walking around with these great kinesiology meters.

    And here is the deal, if you can't discern truth from falsehood, your awareness or consciousness level isn't high enough to do so….you are not able to see what is truth and what is fiction.

    While I have been writing about the differences between what is abuse and then a response that is conducive to healing, what I failed to consider is the facts that a person whose level of consciousness is below 200 isn't even able to see the difference between truth and falsehood, he can see facts, but can't interpret what the facts mean.

    If you sit with this you will understand the space where offenders live…which is they are capable of recognizing facts but not yet able to  grasp what is meant by the term 'truth'.

    It has led to much frustration on my part, that there are folks who are not yet able to grasp what is meant by the term truth.

    It is in this darkness that abuse is perpetrated…and they don't even know it. What good are facts if you can't tell if they are true or not?

    This is the crux of all abusive families.  They don't know what facts are real and what facts arefiction….

    How can you live life if you can't tell which facts are true or not?

    This explains beautifully and tragically the perils of abusive families. It makes total sense…living in a world where you can't tell which facts are real or not, you believe in the wrong thing.

    Not only believe, but trust, love and obey….things that are not even real or have a seed of truth.  I lived in that space for 46 years going against my own kinesiology meter….until I realized that it, my body, knew the truth. It responded by pushing me back from my 'father'.

    Once I saw that truth…that one grain of truth, I continued to ask my body and listen.  I used my body, the truth meter, to then sort through the facts and keep only the ones that were true.

    Who knew that the greatest tool that abuse has is that folks are not able to grasp the meaning of the term TRUTH.

    What I didn't know, is that the truth is not a word or a fact, It is the feelings behind the words….We keep getting hung up on using better words to explain, when in fact some people don't know what the truth feels like.

     

  • I run, because you can’t……for my sister friend.

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting.”

                 Buddha

     

    I felt the loneliness today of my Aunt who ran away.  A woman I never met, yet I feel we are one.

     

    I felt her sadness of being misunderstood and unknown, how her choice to save herself, sentenced her to a life alone outside of her family.

     

    Ostracized for escaping, for saving ourselves, for walking free of abuse, we are not cheered, no clapping, instead we are jeered with sarcasm.

     

    I never ever thought my harshest critics would be from my own family, they are forever punching the already weakened psyche.

     

    The Little girl within feels so sad, empty of words to make them see. 

     

    Today I wondered about my Aunt and her life, how she survived without contact from her family, yet like me the family she missed is the same one that brings her pain.

     

    The intellectual part of me understands that the energy they bring me isn’t healthy, but my heart yearns for acceptance, for understanding and even empathy.

     

    Like missing the stick that is poking you in the eye.

     

    I have more empathy for folks who are set aside because of who they are, parts of themselves they cannot change.

     

    Maybe because my Aunt disappeared and no one spoke her name that I want there to be words about me.

     

    Perhaps this blog is a way that I too will not just simply disappear without a trace.

     

    In the first few days of my father being accused of criminal sexual conduct, I wrote.

     

    I wrote in disbelief, I wrote the words to anchor myself somewhere, to hold me in the sea of grief.

     

    Writing is evidence of my journey.

     

    I have kept all written communications from my family as evidence. I know that is an odd word to use. 

     

    It was the evidence I needed to sort out which one of us was in reality and which one wasn’t.

     

    My mental mind fought a long hard battle up against reality and in reality there are written words from a family who is not cheering me.

     

    In as much as I want them to be cheering, what I needed more were their words of mental ness to shine the way out.

     

    Maybe in the end their shouts of sarcasm are cheering me forward.

     

    They are showing me there is nothing for me back there.

    They were showing me how not to be.

    Showing me how far I have come.

     

    I feel the energy of my runaway aunt; she joins me in spirit as I run along, lending me her courage and strength.  I feel the spirit of many little girls whose time ran out, who were too empty to begin, I run for you. 

     

    I run towards wholeness with truth at my side.

    I feel you with me as I run.

     

    The refrain “you are the wind beneath my wings” came to mind.

     

    I am so grateful I was able to run away.

    I am so not alone.

    All little girls everywhere who suffered like I, I run for you.

    I run, because you can’t.

     

     

     

  • Drink In Their Truths

    Mark Nepo writes in The Book of Awakening, “The unwavering truth is that when we agree to any demand, request, or condition that is contrary to our soul’s nature, the cost is that precious life force is drained off our core. Despite seeming rewards of compliance, our souls grow weary by engaging in activities that are inherently against their nature.”

    In another section he writes, “It’s taken me thirty of my forty-nine years to realize that not being who I am is more deadly, and it has taken the last nineteen years to try and make a practice of this. What this means in a daily way, is that I have to be conscientious about being truthful and resist the urge to accommodate my truth away. It means that being who I really am is not forbidden or muted just because others are uncomfortable or don’t want to hear it.”

    His words affirms how I found myself…first I was given the full frontal view of all the things I had said yes to when I should have said no. All the discomforts I had withstood for the sake of getting along, had grown even more uncomfortable and it seemed some discomforts had whole families of uncomfortable feelings.

    It is like all the little mole hill choices grew into mountains as the years went past. That one little situation, that I said yes, when my soul wanted to say no, was now way out of control.

    We fail to realize what each little tiny decision means in the direction our lives move and how often we neglect our souls to say yes to comply.

    In that brief moment we take the road of least resistance and then ‘forget about ‘ or at least try to. But the things we acquiesced to add up and soon there are a pile of misrepresented items of you.

    The total balance sheet of you shows columns of mixed up messages. Saying yes when you mean no weakens who you are and your life has no core value to stand up.

    The saying, “if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything,” comes to mind.

    Mark Nepo and other masters, authors and teachers are trying to help us find ourselves…and the real self can be found in each authentic response to all of life’s little questions.

    What do you want for dinner?

    Where do you want to go for a ride?

    What movie do you want to watch?

    We think we will become enlightened by the deep profound questions, but actually we find ourselves in the small authentic answers.

    This also caught my eye…. “Well, it is no secret that slowness remembers and hurry forgets; that softness remembers and hardness forgets; and surrender remembers and fear forgets.”

    “It is beautifully difficult to remember who we really are. But we help each other every time we fill up the cup of truth and hold each other up after drinking from it.”

    I love beautifully difficult…and holding each other up after drinking our truths.

    My life is beautifully difficult and my passion or desire or where I find I am best used is in supporting others as they drink in their truths.

  • Eyes of a Child

    While mowing the grass last night it came to me that the attacking and jousting for position isn’t about whether there is abuse or not abuse, what was right or wrong, or even the way it is treated or not treated, but rather a more subtle yet ferocious component, it is the fear of no love.

    I have mistaken this for the strength of love, but it is actually velocity of fear.

    Many of the old Masters and wise teachers have all alluded to this; you get to live your life based on fear or on love.

    What we are experiencing is as old as time, the two energies showing their true natures, two sides meeting and clashing, the polar opposites opposing each other.

    Fear is False Events Appearing Real, so what we really have is the battle between the truth and what is not the truth.

    Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “You know, most people around the world believe that there is a great conflict in the Universe, a conflict of good and evil.  Well, that is not true.  It’s true that there is a conflict, but the conflict only exists in the human mind, not in the Universe.  It’s not true for the plants or the animals.  It’s not true for the stars and the trees, or for the rest of nature. It’s only true for humans. And the conflict in the human mind is not between good and evil.  The real conflict in our mind is between the truth and what is not the truth, between the truth and lies.  Good and evil are just the result of that conflict. The result of believing in the truth is goodness, love, happiness. When you live your life in truth, you feel good, and your life is wonderful.  The result in believing lies creates what you call evil; it creates fanaticism. Believing in lies creates all of the injustices, all of the violence and abuse, all of the suffering, not only in society but also in the individual.  The Universe is as simple as it is or it is not, but humans complicate everything.”  Don Miguel Ruiz 

    Life is really this simple, it is or it is not.

    What we are arguing about is what is or what is not.

    Who is or who is not.

    It isn’t complicated or deep and children do this well.

    Don Miguel writes, “"As little children, we are completely authentic.  We never pretend to be what we are not.  Our tendency is to play and explore, to live in the moment, to enjoy life.  Nobody teaches us to be that way; we are born that way.  This is our true nature before we learn to speak."

    This is what I believe Jesus meant by believing like little children; to be in the truth, to walk with the truth, to see the truth, to be authentic.

    Read more from Don Miguel on this subject in Carl’s blog,

    www.messyguru.typepad.com  Titled, "Being Effortless."

    What Don Miguel stated, “The result in believing lies creates what you call evil; it creates fanaticism.”  Fanaticism is the key component that makes up cults or extreme religions; they are not based on extreme love.

    Fanatics are extremists, and from my experience of the FALC they all believe in lies… Lies, which create evil.

    The lies I am speaking most generally about is, that they believe they can wash away reality and that it will no longer exist, and that is one major lie.

    The mother of all lies that follow.

    They have complete faith in something that isn’t real, their faith and trust is placed fear.

    And this act alone creates the fanatical responses, the evil energies we feel attacking us.  We do not feel the energies of love, but the biting words of fear.

    And sometimes after they bite us, they come back with ‘love’ words; they try hiding their fear with kind words, for even their own evil scares them.

    What I hadn’t considered or understood was the level or degree of evil and lies they had faith in, and how frightened or terrified they are to have it disclosed and revealed…

    However, I recall vividly the moment all my true lies collapsed, when all I had faith in evaporated and the terror it left me standing in…and yet in the exact same moment when my world collapsed a grand new one was born, the world of truth.

    And I truly became like a child again.  I didn’t hear what people were saying, but I watched their actions.  Words became meaningless, actions was the true path I followed.

    This world of truth became a spectacular landscape which was very easy to walk in, it was steady and never changing, and there was nothing I had to learn, do or believe in, it was all there in front of me.

    I gave up all past beliefs and thoughts, and simply walked in life with eyes of a child.

     Smug mug pics 104

     

  • They speak in Lies.

    Don Miguel Ruiz said “There are two kinds of Angels, the angel of lies and the angel of truth.”

    Isn’t it odd to look at the two different kinds of angels?

    I know that my family does not like to see me as an Angel of Truth; they would love me much better as the Angel of Lies, and the way I used to be. 

    Oh was I a good angel of lies.  I was the best, I would tell you anything you wanted to hear, but never, not ever the truth…for I wouldn’t want to hurt you.

    I was a good angel of lies and my self suffered greatly. 

    For in order to be a wonderful angel of lies, you lose your self.  You turn away from your own feelings, and choose not to see others in their true colors.

    The Angel of Truth speaks with impeccable words, her actions match and she says what she has to say, no matter how they land upon your world.  

    I have lived both ways and as the Angel of Lies, I seen the world through glasses that lied to me.  I lied and it lied back.

    I pretended many things, overlooked much, and didn’t see life as it was in its naked rawness and beauty.

     While my journey has been horrific in many places, where the truth is exposed like a monster, I have also seen great beauty, love, peace and joy, that my lying angel refused to see.

    When I first began to see without my lying eyes, I saw things that brought me to my knees, okay flat in bed. But those same eyes bathed my body in nature’s beauty.

    I seen the sunrise and felt God looking upon me.  The night sky was filled with loving angels, the moon another loving presence.

    I watched the flow of the river and knew that same energy flowed through me.

    My truthful eyes saw God everywhere.

    So, while it was hard to get used to my truthful eyes, especially seeing that which prior I covered with lies, it was also the biggest blessing in my world.

    I love that I can see now as God sees.

    I love that there are angels of lies and angels of truth.

    I love that I have been able to be both in this lifetime.

    What I know is that many in my family are loving their roles as Angels of Lies, and they are being rewarded by staying close to their mother, their siblings, a family of lying Angels, all resuming life after a bit of truth blew in, they quickly got back to life as it was before.

    And it is very different when you begin to see truth; you are set aside from the liars. Our words and actions don’t match; our wings clash.

    I flew alone for a while and slowly I am finding Angels of Truth to hang with.  We are a rare bunch, seen as mental by some, cold and bitter by others…(hey, isn’t it said that truth is often times a bitter pill to swallow.)  We are often depicted as home wreckers, spoil sports, insane, crazy, mad…

    What I know to be true for me is that life as an Angel of Truth is magnificent, easy, peaceful, wise, perfect, and it walks hand and hand with God.

    I do recognize that when I speak as the Angel of Truth, I will get feedback that isn’t kind or supportive or loving from the Angels of Lies.  They are first to spread lies about me, that is their role.  They are only doing what Angels of Lies do…they speak in lies. 

    Don Miguel says there is only one conflict in the human experience; the conflict between truth and lies.