I M Perfect lady

Tag: present

  • Until You Move.

    It is my day off, and immediately two bookkeepers began fighting for my time, each with a set of rules and regulations for what should/could and would be done on my day off.

    There are plenty of choices within each room of my house, and other ideas floated by as potentials to use up my time, and each idea was met with an opposing vote.

    It stuck me to my chair in indecision and time slipped by.

    What to do and what is worthy fought back and forth, paying no mind to my feelings or desires.

    Until I began writing this out, it never occurred to me to fire the bookkeepers, to keep my day off out of their hands and out of their books.

    It matters not in the big scheme of life whether I enjoy the sunshine with a walk or see it from my lazyboy, if I quilt or nap, do yoga or read, wash clothes, bake and do dishes, none of the above will define who I am inside, they are all doings of a human kind.

    If I take away value from each task, each task remains equal to the other, and become its own separated joy, and it can’t steal from another column in a bookkeepers journal.

    Somehow in my mind if I spent an hour cleaning I was stealing from the passion journal, if I slept, I then stole from the physical side, there was always a plus and a minus to all actions.

    I never liked numbers so I am getting rid of the value system, tossing out the worthy and the unworthy, and instead will live with just doings.

    All doings are equal.

    It seems the bookkeepers main tasks were to steal my day, steal my peace, and steal my joy, by putting up an opposing side, no matter what I couldn’t win.

    The bookkeeper was a guilt keeper, a day wrecker, and a nap spoiler lurking near each task with negative remarks.

    Without the bookkeepers narrative on how my day is going I will be free to enjoy whatever it is I am doing.

    The minus and plus columns will remain empty and in their place is a doings column, simply filled with what I do.

    I don’t know what I will be doing, what my energy level will be, what inspirations will come as I move through the day, what desires will arise, but what I know for sure no one is keeping score.

    In fact the more I write about this, the more I feel that I will disband the whole accounting system that used to lie within me, where values interrupted living life in the manner to which it appeared.

    Without values you are then free to do anything and life is much freer, you live from the spot of a pinhead in the moment of now.

    Now I am blogging, who knows what I will do after that, the present is always a surprise, unopened, unplanned, unknown, until you move.

  • What you do in time.

    “Time is the most indefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires.”   

        ~Charles Caleb Colton

     

     

    My brother wrote about time, its fleeting quality and the fact that the mind gets caught up in it or rather the mind and time go hand and hand.

     

    What is time?  Can you see it and does your body know what time it is on the clock, or does your body simply feel its way through the day?

     

    We are taught to eat by the hour hands on a clock and go to sleep by time, and not body’s physical feelings.  We expect certain things from children in time with little allowance for individual growth.

     

    Time seems to take priority over individual self.

     

    Time slips away we say or is life slipping away?  Is it that we allow our selves to watch time instead of seeing what we are doing?

     

    The more I am aware of what I am doing, how I am spending my time and with whom, the less time seems to matter.

     

    Maybe it isn’t about time at all but instead about being aware of your feelings at all times.

     

    Feeling your feelings in time.

     

    We somehow feel that by spending time, we are sharing ourselves and many times we are just sharing time.

    Doesn’t that remind you of school, taking up space and time?

     

    Life is so much more than taking up space and time in another’s life.

     

    Yet we some how feel it is okay to waste time, but what you are really doing is wasting your life.

     

    Your life has value minute by minute. 

     

    We add its value, with feeling and action; we add the content to time.

     

    You are what you do in time.

     

  • Happy Returning To Life.

    On Easter we all are thinking of Resurrection; how it means to rise from the dead or return to life. 

     

    As I returned to my life, it has taken me on a wild and exhilarating ride, one that has taken me from the depths of hell up to the heights of Heaven, while tearing down false idols, correcting misconceptions, up righting upside down ideals, and bringing my self back to my life, a resurrection.

     

    Returning to awareness in my life has also been a day of reckoning, owning up to all the places where I had not been in my life; I now was facing the sins of the past in the present.

     

    I had been taught to believe that I could have my sins forgiven and forgotten, by merely saying a few words, and all would be well with thee, and that they had been transferred to someone else, like to Jesus.  And I would then be whiter than snow, clean, perfect a new slate. 

     

    No action was expected, just had to mumble a few words, admit that I had sinned. And like magic another could wash me clean and I didn’t have to do a damn thing.

     

    In my head perhaps this worked, but in real life it was a train wreck.  Inside of my head I was clean and perfect, in the reality of my life all the affects of blinking away my sins lay in their ugliness unchanged.

     

    I am not a historian nor was I ever deeply religious, but try and explain the applications of this sin and forgiveness thing to a child of say two.

     

    How does this work?  Can a little child pass off his bad deeds to another?  Where does stealing go when you confess?  Will a bad word evaporate and become unspoken, a hurt rendered hurt less etc? 

     

    As I sit on this Easter morning, I see the sheer volume of how religion has life so wrong, and in fact how it finds way to escape life instead of returning to life.

     

    Easter to me means returning to your life, being 100% responsible for all things you do, not schlepping off your negative traits, wrong actions, and weaknesses onto another person, but instead learning and exploring your whole self, being present in all aspects of life.

     

    Happy returning to Life!

     

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  • Present Training.

     

    As I sat in a room with four other people, one was leading the class and the rest of us were to follow along.  It seems an easy task, to sit and be led, to sit and absorb, to be one with the whole class.

     

    Yet I found myself not following along, but going against the other students. 

     

    One wanted to know what was up ahead, had to know, what would come next, and couldn’t relax in this chapter, worrying about the unknown.

     

    The other two wanted to either change the way things were being asked of us, or stepped into the past operation regaling us with stories that had nothing to do with where we were going.

     

    Their nonsensical behavior was like a loud horn blast coming in and interrupting the flow, their worries/concerns/thoughts of past and future events bleeding into the now.

     

    What a great thing to witness and a frustrating thing to be part of.

     

    I seen how their minds kept leading them away from the task at hand, like pre-school aged kids they needed to be rounded up and brought back to class.

     

    I just never thought that the hardest part of ‘teaching’ someone is to keep them present.

     

    Their attention span was limited and as the afternoon progressed it became worse, and the more they stole time from training, the longer training became.

     

    My patience of idling along in the present, while they played out in the past and future wore me out.

     

    To sit and observe this behavior is so intrusive and rude to the present.

     

    It is the ultimate battle in each situation, between what is now and what was or will be.

     

    As I sat on the sidelines frustrated, I too was battling with what is, for I expected us to all remain in the present training.

     

     

     

     

     

  • We Begin Again.

    "I exist in perpetual creative response to whatever is present."  Martha Beck

     

    In yoga today, I was watching how I felt in each posture, where my attention was or my attitude, was I accepting or enduring or somewhere in the future.

     

    Today I wasn’t fighting Bikram and the length of time he wanted me to stay with the posture, nor was I expecting me to do beyond what I did.

     

    If I went in very mindful and controlled and had a good breathing sequence going, I was amazed at how much more I could do.

     

    In fact I did so well on the Balancing Stick, I was eager to tell you all, but the next two were horrible, for I was ahead of the pose, expecting a perfect one before I even began, based on the prior one.

     

    Well, the prior one was gone, it was a whole new game, and I didn’t focus, breathe or concentrate.  I wasn’t in that pose, I fell out and had to chuckle at the difference between the two.

     

    I caught the feeling of how quickly moments go by, how we have to grab and drink of each one, and not worry about the flavor of the next, or indulge to long in a past one.  We have this moment, right here.  

     

    Right here, right now, we begin again.