I M Perfect lady

Tag: relationships

  • Signs of Change.

    In the past 21 years I have been waiting for the sexual abuse to start coming to light. For the flood gates to open and for victims to start standing up and speaking out. For victims to rally one another and expose their abusers. (Victims in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.)

    And, even more for those who hear the words of the victims to start hearing them.

    Not only listening but to also start taking action steps needed. To not care more for the religion or the reputation of the abuser and his family.

    But to care more about ending this systemic violence against children.

    It seems at least in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church the darkness is being pierced by voices of victims. Older victims whose Statute of Limitations has passed – as well as those who still can press charges.

    What is so sad is that there are many decades between these girls. Decades of these abusers getting away with it. Decades of preachers knowing and doing nothing; but forgiving.

    I am hopeful the more who stand up, the many who will follow. There is more support today than there was even 21 years ago.

    So called by standers, have to stop standing by – and instead start doing whatever is possible to support the victims.

    To stop supporting the church, the preachers and even going against family if need be.

    As the victims speak out – there also needs others to be willing to listen and sit in the truth and more, be able to take actions.

    I always figured that things would happen in time. Not in my time – but for the truth to erupt when it was time.

    My heart and soul feel that the speaking up and exposing the abusers is contagious- I want it to be uncomfortable for those who do nothing.

    And for those who are willing to go up against the old paradigms to be cheered and supported.

    Twenty-one years ago began the seeds of estrangement. I was unwilling and unable to be with folks who were more comfortable in the darkness.

    I still find it hard to believe that I am the one on the outside looking in – that my family of origin has remained intact.

    While being outside of the family and without a religion, I have found inner peace, love and joy.

    It is my hope that the new victims coming forth are treated more kindly than I was. And that they have the support of many. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be supported by your mother and siblings.

    Twenty-one years later – and somethings are showing signs of change.

    May all victims start to live their lives with artful abandon and be who they were born to be – before the abuse happened.

  • Truthful to Respond to.

    "True inner responsibility centers on our willingness to give voice to whatever is happening to us in the midst of a relationship. This is important both for you and the person you are relating to.  If you are not present, there is nothing to respond to.  And love only becomes real in the world through our ability to respond.  Bringing who you are to a relationship – being your True Self- gives other the opportunity to transcend their limitations by acting on their love.  It gives the other person a chance to show up."  Mark Nepo

    What I hadn't considered is that it takes two people to be present in a relationship, to honesty voice their feelings… 

    While I knew this instinctively, I didn't know that there was an actual formula or general rule.  When I voiced my new-found truth or honesty, it then offered to others the chance to do the same. 

    Most however, opted not to respond in-kind.  

    So, while I have carried the full ownership of many relations falling to the wayside, what I hadn't considered is that I didn't have nothing to respond to when they failed to respond back.

    "So, while we dread voicing our fears and hurts to one another, love has no way of being acted on without something truthful to respond to."  Mark Nepo

    This paragraph alone sets me free…I didn't have anything truthful to respond to.


  • Authentically inauthentic.

    I had to look up the word Authentic, to see if I clearly understood what that means and is there a difference in being authentic and having an authentic relationship.  

    Authentic, "Of Undisputed Origin"…"authentic, genuine, bona fide mean being actually and exactly what is claimed."

    "Being actually and exactly" what you claim to be.

    The claiming part is where the sea of difference lies.

    We can claim to be anything, but can you actually and exactly follow through, that is where authenticity lies, where the rubber meets the road if you will, and if not, all else is meaningless.

    Stating claims isn't always necessary, we catch titles just by being in the world.  I have claims of sister, daughter, mother attached to me. How I am inside of these claims is oftentimes imprinted upon us as we see the adults in our world playing them out.

    And yet, each claim comes with its own definition or the definition of a dictionary, but that isn't always what we experience.

    A mother in the dictionary as a verb is, "Bring up (a child) with care and affection: "the art of mothering"…and as a noun, "A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth."

    And in reality I did get the noun version, but the verb part was lacking a few things…like "Care and Affection".  Other verbs, action verbs took their place and in doing so, my mother was not an authentic mother…she couldn't be exactly and actually as her role claimed.

    What we are not taught in school, that the words and reality will often not match, that there is very little authenticity.

    In Bird Watching, there is a saying, "When the bird and the Book don't match, BELIEVE the Bird."

    The other part of authenticity was to be of Undisputed Origin…and I take that to mean, that it is senseless to dispute how you were raised.

    I had to look up the definition of Origin to make sure.

    "The beginning of something's existence. A person's social background or ancestry."

    My social background and ancestry is my undisputed origin.  I fully own and embrace all of it, for if I didn't, I would be inauthentic.

    So, in knowing all that…what then is an authentic relationship?

    To me, there can be no authentic relationship, if you are not authentic as a person.  Whatever false claims you live will come forward into the relationship; it is simply impossible to keep them out.

    True authentic relationships allow into the relationship your social background and ancestry and not only expects but demands that you literally be actually and exactly that.  An authentic relationship will not allow you to bring in false claims.  

    Claims without actions of being actually and exactly who you claim to be is being authentically inauthentic.

  • Put a Happy Face on Hurt

    I had a saying that sat on my stove for years on a trivet, "Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they shall inherit the Earth."

    I was a young unmarried girl at the time I had gotten this as a gift, and the way I viewed it was that if you were the one to back down first or retract your wishes, it was a good thing, for it kept the peace.

    If you made things peaceful outwardly and held inside or covered up your true feelings, YOU Were a Peacemaker…for relationships settled back down.

    What I had failed to see at the time, was that while I was making outward peace, my insides were being crammed full of 'unexpressed true emotions', that I had 'settled' to calm things down.

    I had given up what I really needed to have peace.  

    I had silenced my truth feelings in order to get along.

    What I was doing was being a False Peacemaker, I was pretending to pretend that things were okay with me, when they were not.

    Oh, I can recall this feeling so perfectly, how the other person would be so happy to have her peacefulness restored, as I inwardly glowered in silence…while pasting on a happy face. 

    As I continued on into adult life, into married life I often times left arguments half done….my half was not resolved, but tucked away.

    My greatest fear was that IF I didn't acquiesce, all Holy Hell would break lose, that it was my job to keep the peace.

    Acquiesce – To accept something reluctantly, but without protest.  I had to look that up to make sure I had it right. RIGHT, OMG, that is the flavor of my first 46 years.

    Acquiesce is the perfect word to describe how I viewed being peaceful.  And here is the deal, I was the one who always had to give up 'something' AND do so without putting up a protest, to swallow silently….in order to maintain peace within our relationship.

    You have no idea how often I swallowed bitterness without protest.

    With a belly full of resentment and unspoken words and feelings I walked around 'believing' I was keeping the peace.

    What I was instead holding onto was a belly full of bitterness.

    Is that Love?

    Is that peaceful?

    Was I being even a bit authentic in my relations as I was waddling around chuck full of unresolved differences?

    When I stopped swallowing, but instead spit back my thoughts, my feelings and what I saw were our differences, my inner world began to lighten up, to feel so peaceful, while my outer world began to swirl in consternation.

    Where my mother used to see The Peacemaker, I became her Holy Hellion.  

    For you see, all the peacemaking efforts I had painfully swallowed in order to keep a loving mother and father, never produced that.  It was all for naught.  All I had done was to act in a play of pretending we all got along.

    I was the one who had made it worse.

    I was the one who hadn't spoken up.

    I was the one who kept it all a secret.

    I was the greatest pretender of all.

    I pretended that all the abuse didn't matter to me.

    I pretended to be unhurt, so we could have a family that didn't hurt.

    Yet, in the end….sadly and regretfully, all my siblings were hurt anyway.  All I had done was put a happy face on hurt…

     

     

  • Point of Conversation

    Martha Beck writes (In Leaving the Saints) about the way she was taught to communicate in the Mormon Church, “through continuous indirect communication, I learned that a good Mormon girl doesn’t travel in the dimension of direct communication.”

    This is how I believe most of us are taught and then call people who do talk directly and succinctly… bold, brash, cold and even bitter.

     Direct communication is scary after talking indirectly and around most sensitive issues, to just say what it is you need to say… feels terrifying.

    What I know is that there are reasons we are taught indirectness in our speaking. We are told either by words or actions ‘not to go there’ and we don’t, we learn to talk in a pretend roundabout way.

    We say things we don’t mean or feel…and instead say things that are not true…out of fear of getting in trouble if we don’t. Mostly we are taught to shut off our feelings and not to be so sassy and say what is on our minds. We are taught that indirect conversations are best for all concerned, it isn’t good to go to the heart of any issue.

    What I know for sure, is that I went along with the indirect conversations in my home and it costs me greatly in the end.

    Now, direct open frank conversations are the only ones I care to engage in, the others seem like disconnected words. Words that are not attached to the person or their truths.

    I had lived for years believing that words alone were powerful that they had this great impact upon the land, until I learned that unless words are with reality and truth, they are simply just words…meaningless.

    Minus meaning or meaning less than what needs to be said.

    There is no difference between what I say and what I do, they match.

    In the past, what I felt and what I said were worlds apart, like the polar opposites in life. I never felt that I could actually say what I feel, let alone act according to my feelings. I was taught to act against my feelings for the sake and happiness of others, out of love.

    If you love someone ‘you spare them your true feelings’ is the gist of what I was taught.

    And now I have learned if you love someone they above all deserve your truth.

    In the end it boils down to you either have a direct meaningful relationship or you have an indirect one.

    Indirect, do you care to guess its meaning? “Indirect, diverging from the direct course, roundabout. Not proceeding straight and to the point or object.”

    What I have learned in the past six years is that very few speak directly to the point…most are speaking in roundabout ways, they are trying to skirt the mountain of truths, to spare their feelings and the feelings of others.

    In fact, when speaking indirectly you will avoid feelings and miss the point of the conversation. 

     

  • The Stranger Among them.

    At times it is very interesting to be me, to actually watch reactions to me while being me.  I have changed my ideals and the way I live my life.  I have totally flipped and it shows in the reactions folks give me.

    It is like certain people have an allergic reaction to me.

    I seen a brother I haven’t seen in a year.  The last time, we were on ‘friendly’ terms, but he was a fence walker; he would visit me and then be with my mother. 

    He said he was okay with everyone, to each their own, it mattered not to him.

    Now it seems I matter…something has changed. 

    He and I used to stop by and call etc, but in the last year silence.  I don’t know what I have done, nor did I bring it up when I seen him this evening while out to dinner with my children and husband.

    He chatted with my kids easily, and sent me a glance and quickly looked away…I am used to those kinds.  I didn’t probe either or ask what happened. Didn't make him uncomfortable or put him on the spot, I let it go. 

    He has a new wife now maybe she is the change in us.

    I can’t know, and I don’t want to make him come or call or care.

    His actions are asking for space…I honor that.

    It makes me wonder why he was so free to come before, to fish, to eat, to get mending done, to vent, to rage and for me to hear, and now nothing.

    Perhaps he doesn’t need me anymore.  How odd it is to have these relations fade into nothing, to watch me fade away. 

    The old me would have forced and pushed myself in…maybe even by offering more and more for him and now her.

    The new me watches them with me, how I have nothing that they need anymore.  How I am just a wall flower or just a casual hi and few pleasantries, and the old familiarity has turned to strange.

    I am strange. 

    My actions are strange…I am the stranger among them.

  • Island of Love, Peace and Joy.

    Today while writing my Morning Pages, I wrote that I am feeling more like a self I recognize. A self who feels normal being estranged from her family, that I no longer feel so odd to myself, this new me feels like me now.

    That it is normal for me when it is Father’s Day to have no obligations or sentiments to deliver, nor do I feel the sinking feeling of sorrow…in its place is vast openness.

    No reservoirs of wishing and hoping, just space where a father used to live…there is acceptance of what is, minus the agony of it being so different than what I want.

    I am okay now.

    I am amazed at the journey out of denial or blindness to his truths and mine.

    In the first years of our estrangement I was riddled with grief and peace, hope and hopelessness, sorrow and fear and worry and wonder and angst of being a daughter with a living dad and not engaging with him in any way…I felt inadequate.

    I no longer feel less than… for his life.

    I no longer feel responsible for being a daughter with nothing to do on Father’s Day.

    I read on facebook some daughters feeling the loss of their dad; of missing him and wishing he was here. I feel none of that. Nor, am I one who is praising and send him accolades.

    I cannot relate to either of these kinds of daughters.

    The space I stand in is one of peace and I stand alone…okay and fine.

    It is not a land in between, but one of its own.

    This spot isn’t a place most would dream about and crave to be in, but a place that we land in order to heal from sexual abuse, child abuse or neglect, it’s the place we come to feel safe from our abusive parents, like an orphanage, but one where we are not looking to be adopted.

    Separation is key to our wellness and it is odd for others to phantom this concept, when it is their desire to remain close.

    We crave space, we desire no contact, we thrive in our silent relationship…this no relationship brings us peace. We are more alive in the absence of interactions, more authentic and feel our sense of who we were born to be come alive.

    This isn’t a purgatory state, or forgotten land, but rather a wonderful island of love, peace and joy.

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  • Out of Control.

    The different responses to the death of a monster intrigue me and set me to wonder who in my life I needed to die?

    Whose death would bring me joy or freedom?

    Is there someone out there holding on to a part of me that is held hostage by their actions?

    No one came to mind.

    Most may think I will send up a resounding cheer upon the death of my father. But his death will be anticlimactic, for I have found my freedom and joy long before his passing.

    He is not holding on to any part of me, I am free and I don’t need him to die. I do not wait for his death.

    I heard on the radio yesterday that there are times when we have to amputate a relationship, to cut it out of our lives in order to live a whole life.

    The relationship suffered a death, I didn’t need him to die, I just needed to kill the relationship.

    I have stopped cold many relationships that impinged upon my own inner peace and wellness. I didn’t need the person to die; I just needed my relationships with them to.

    When we give them the power until death, we gain nothing.

    It is in the speaking up and taking back your life that you will find the power.

    I strongly believe that monsters need to be locked up, be made to stop hurting and killing others, but what I don’t understand is the sense of freedom and joy that rang out.

    The cheers have the markings of a monster themselves, a gleeful energy upon the death of another seems so barbaric and without reverence for the soul that was lost behind the sea of dysfunction and abuse.

    Isn’t there a saying about how we treat the least among us?

    Perhaps I have met and danced with my own inner monster and I have such compassion for the lady who stole my life and lived it out in the only way she knew coming from whence she came.

    I didn’t even cheer when she died, but I cheered when I became free from the madness inside of me.

    I cheer for inner victory.

    I cheer for being able to do this by only killing the monster inside of me, for wrestling with my shadow and winning.

    It is becoming stronger than the monster that peace will be won.

    To me we all have an inner monster to dance with and when you can succeed at winning that one, we will all live in peace and harmony.

    The seeds of a monster live within all of us and you don’t know what will make your monster come alive until you are fully engaged and out of control.

  • Meet your Truth.

    Remember playing with magnets as a child, and how they would either click together or be repelled apart?

    I was reminded of magnets as my friend talked about situations we get into in relationships, where we are going along with mutual attraction and then somehow we get flipped around and now are being repelled apart.

    I recalled the magnet’s inner wisdom was much smarter than our strength, no matter what we did; they knew when they matched or when one of them was turned the wrong way, in order to click together they had to be facing the right way.

    And it was fun to feel the push away from these seemingly innate objects, like they had a mind of their own.

    The image of my friend’s hands and how they moved to resemble magnets stayed with me as I looked at my husband and myself and how we seemed at odds, and how we trying to realign ourselves.

    It seemed his truth and my truth didn’t match, and our bodies knew, repelling replaced our old attraction.

    My body has a magnet of its own and the flesh is just a covering on top and beneath my skin is this energy field that knows things my wandering mind misses.

    And my mind has learned that by faking it or pretending to be okay when the body is not, is fruitless for what I seek most is for the body to teach my mind.

    I listen and receive signals of distress or of peace.

    In the past I was the opposite; I turned away from the signals and bull headedly marched on, heedless to the discomfort my body screamed.

    My mind that had been taught what to believe, what was right and what was wrong and it neglected to seek counsel of my body. In fact the body, I was taught, was full of sin and it had the devils magnetic field that would pull us asunder.

    You would go to Hell if you followed your body; Heaven was to be gained by following your mind.

    Your body was your greatest enemy.

    As I write this, I know that my childhood religion was threatened by the wise wisdom of this knowing body.

    Imagine the wonderful creation of God, this highly functioning self-healing living breathing body being the devils property?

    What the religion was teaching was to go against the magnetic pull of my own body.

    With this being my background I as accustomed of turning away from my body, of shunning its desires and passions and neglecting the wise inner gut feelings and focusing instead of following the masses, the church leader and listening to what he and they felt was best for me.

    Stepping away from my body I lived disconnected and out of touch…I worked religiously against my own magnetic pull.

    Imaging going against your own truth!

    It is incredible to me that we all have these wonderful magnets that are infused into all our cells, and they know what is true.

    If you use your body like this big lie detector or treat it like a magnet for truth that it is, your life will be less complicated.

    I watched my daughter and how she appeared physically in our world while she lived a lie. Like a diseased plant she began to fail.

    What I notice about my body is it likes it when I speak the truth, even if the truth sounds bad, it cheers.

    When I was on our local school board and the president of the board lived in another city, but was on our board, it made sense to my body to say, “You have a pretend house in Chassell, so you can be legitimately on our board.” I told him, a man who pretended to live here and who had a fake home in our town were directing me on the board.

    My body felt better being there with the truth hanging out. And I knew better than putting trust or faith in a pretending man.

    So, even if you can’t make moves to get out from beneath the lies don’t lie about your situation; give your body the full report.

    It is not the actual reality that distresses the body, but us telling the body it isn’t really there. It likes to have a well-balanced reality accounting sheet.

    I love that I am aware of my body’s magnet and how its preset to the truth, how I can rely on it subtle and not so subtle readings, how it vibrates at a certain note to gain my attention, letting me know when I am not seeing or being in truth.

    My Universe and this magnet are connected and both dance perfectly in harmony with reality.

    My body thrives best in the reality of truth and I speak reality’s harshest truths with great courage for I now what happens when I don’t. I get repelled away from peace, love and joy.

    My magnet is set uniquely for me and I get anxious and scared when lies pile up and truth seems far away…

    Namaste, means the Spirit in me recognizes the Spirit within you…what I believe maybe more beneficial is my truth wants to meet your truth.

  • Taking the same steps.

    I backed away from people who hurt me, I retreated from untruths, receded from supporting religions, I moved from co-dependency, I pulled myself back from all the places that seemed to support dysfunction and it seems I landed in a corner with my back pressed against the walls of truth, and I now am standing alone.

    Perhaps this is how we enter into Heaven, we come alone with our suitcases fully packed with our lessons, our truths spilling out, our journey’s pivotal moments all stacked up like final exams waiting to be scored.

    Did I pass? Can I fail? How will I know?

    Sometimes it seems that in separating my truth from fiction, I have backed myself right out of my life.

    It is like I am at the end of my fictional life and a toddler in my new life.

    Simultaneously dying and being born, grieving while celebrating, saying good-bye and saying hello, a stranger and a new friend all living as me.

    It is like doing your own autopsy searching for the cause of death and witnessing your birth while being born, all at once.

    My greatest challenge is to find a new place to stand without the exhaust fumes of lingering fears clouding up my new self.

    To live fearlessly after knowing great fear, and not pack too much of the past into the present, be aware but not wary.

    Just as horses where blinders to shield them from scary things, I wear blinders that seem to shield me from good things. I wear them backwards.

    These blinders of immense fear stop me from seeing other alternatives.

    A wise woman kindly suggested removing the blinders, and letting in a view from the side.

    To see if perhaps there is a way to release the high emotions and find common ground where we are looking in the same direction but with two different sets of eyes.

    Self absorbed and selfish, is wearing blinders. Even if the blinders are made out of fear, they are blinders nonetheless.

    As a horse who has traveled so long relying on just one set of eyes, I am fearful in allowing others to see…with me or maybe for me.

    And to take my eyes off my road seems careless.

    Yet this one eyed view in a relationship, renders the other blind.

    Fearlessly I will have to take my eyes off my journey and look into his.

    And then perhaps when our eyes join together we will see a perfect view.

    Like getting the perfect pair of glasses that correct the distortion in our eyesight.

    I recall reading somewhere, that if two people are exactly alike as a couple, then one of them isn’t necessary. What I need isn’t someone who sees like me, but rather someone who sees what I don’t see.

    It doesn’t mean I give up my view, but I include his, and perhaps then we can find a place where we can walk together seeing differently but taking the same steps.