I M Perfect lady

The word LOVE brings with it such energy and Light, it brightens up spaces and brings wholeness where before less than appeared.

 

People walk around feeling so defeated, if they don’t HAVE love.

 

Like Love is an object we can go and pluck out of a store, search and find like a hidden treasure, it remains outside of us, and we hunt like predators to capture it.

 

It steals our peace, and keeps us running in anxiety for fear that without it we will not be whole.

 

This love is like a devil to those who need it, it becomes a drug that we can’t live without, and will do anything to anyone to get it.

 

My brother is sitting with the ‘love’ our parents gave us. 

In our hands we look down devastated, for what we see surely isn’t love.

 

How is this possible?

How did we receive such a messed up version of love?
Is it even a fragrance of love, does it hold a hint of love?

What is this we received from our parents?

What did we go forth and replicate?

 

The love we received was not love.

It is the opposite.

 

I have read numerous times that there are only two ways of living or Being.  In Fear or in Love, those are the only two choices.

 

In my childhood love, fear ran rampant.  Fear of them not liking you, that you were not good enough, that they would leave you, a very clutching manipulating demanding love.

 

It wasn’t free.

You weren’t free.

 

The love of my childhood, the love that I replicated in my own home with my own children was that they had to do this or be that, and I would love them more.

 

I focused on their behavior and how it impacted me, but I didn’t focus on how their behavior impacted THEM.

 

Now I have given them back them selves.  I am no longer interested in owning them for my happiness.  It seems vulgar and twisted.  Like my children’s only role was to live to make me happy.

 

I will be a better mom if you are a better kid! I will be a happier mom, a nicer mom, a this mom and a that mom, DEPENDING upon your behavior!

 

It left me irresponsible for my own happiness.  It left me powerless.

 

But what was even more important it had them looking away from themselves to only focus on me.

 

Their lives were for me.

 

Not only was I powerless, they too became powerless in their own worlds.  A house full of powerless dependent people!

 

It was when I unplugged them all that we each became free.

 

I recall the conversations I had with each of my children, how I was telling them that from now on, their only job in this house was to do them selves.  That they and they alone were responsible for what they did or didn’t do.  I fired them from making me a better mother.

 

As I fired them, I hired me.  I hired myself to be myself.  I hired myself to be a mother.  And I recall telling them that as their mother I was only going to be the consequence lady.

 

That was my one job as a mother.  That every action has a consequence and it is up to me to figure out that consequence.

 

To their benefit they were both excited and fearful.  For no more wasted words would fly out of my mouth. 

 

In fact it still pops up where I forget my role as consequence lady, and I focus more on their behavior than mine.  When I feel out of control, it is usually me.  I am forgetting my control.

 

When I gave them the responsibility of their lives, I got mine.

 

It was a great independence day in our home.

Where 6 individuals were born.

We all claimed our own worlds.

We all can shine as one person, separated and free to be who ever it is we are to be.

 

Sure there are common house rules, but for the most part I celebrate each child doing themselves alone.

 

My youngest is still clutching on to being irresponsible, and as parents our role is to keep placing the responsibility of his life in his hands.

 

In as much as we love freedom, we are more afraid to be free.

 

Free means no one to blame when we are unhappy.

 

Our whole lives are free for us to express or be or do as we feel, and no one stands in the way of us living our greatest life, but ourselves.

 

Once we stop searching outside for love, when we know that it isn’t their job to bring us love, or peace or joy, we can begin doing this for ourselves.

 

Learning one step at a time to be independent.

 

A separated soul, a free spirit!

 

What can another bring to a free spirit?

What does a free spirit need?

 

I love that I am one self- contained unit of one.

 

I walk around a big bubble of me.