I M Perfect lady

In Martha Beck’s book “Leaving the Saints,” she wrote she read somewhere that,

 

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past”

 

And there is a freedom that comes when you realize that all hope is gone, when you are standing on the edge where the past is glaring at you in all its horrible honesty, and where the mind can no longer build dreams of past memories to sing a different tune.

 

When the tune comes out the same no matter how you spin it, turn it, twist it, there is only one sad song and there is no hope of making it sound different than what it is.

 

While it seems to put you in a hopeless state, that state of hopelessness is actually a good thing.  From there you have not thing left to lose.  It is over and done with and it requires nothing from you.  It is not a place to put your hope.

 

Looking for a different past is just not possible. 

 

It is hope less. 

 

I had to go and look up that word.

 

1. Having no hope; despairing. See Synonyms at despondent. 2. Offering no hope; bleak. 3. Incurable. 4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible.

 

That meaning sounds so hopeless if you are in the state of hopelessness, it sounds downright depressing, wow. 

 

So I had to look up the word hope. 

Hope – to want or expect something: to have a wish to get or do something or for something to happen or be true.

– confident desire: a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen

– likelihood of success: a chance that something desirable will happen or be possible

 

I wonder if you can get left in a spot where  you are hopeful of changing a hopeless past?  Where you use your hope wrong in a place where hope is use less.  It seems like people need to be taught where to use hope.

 

I did not put my hope into the past changing, nor did I put my hope in even them changing, I only put my hope in that I could change.

 

My hope was to change so the past is not repeated.

 

All I had inside of me was hope, just hope.

 

I took all my hope from the past and placed it in an unknown future.

 

I stood behind hope and began walking a different walk, singing a different tune, and walking away from hopeless, while feeling the pull of hopeless I resolutely walked on.

 

It literally seemed to always come down to two choices.

 

In each choice I always picked hope.  I followed hope.

 

I didn’t know where I was going, what I would look like when I got there or even if I would know it, but I followed hope.

 

I blindly followed hope.

 

I recall walking one day along the river sobbing, huge gulps of sorrow and my custom was to allow sorrow to walk with me in one direction, but when I turned around to head home I had to be possitive.

 

This particular day, it was cold, very cold, clear and bright, snow crystals decorated all the trees along the river, the river itself a ribbon of sheer white, the sky the deepest blue and the sun shining bright lighting up everything in diamonds, and I said to my self, “I will go forth with love, joy and peace.”

 

Love, Joy and Peace was the place I was headed.

 

It seemed near impossible to comprehend a day where the sorrow would receed like a bad tide, but within me I placed all my hopes that eventually the tears would stop, that I would come to an end of painful things to look at, that all the years of blindly living, its karma would finally run out.

 

Looking at this today, I can see that  I walked with hopelessness, despair and anguish in one direction, feeling my past, going into the emotions and feelings of abuse and when I turned around I was carried by Hope.

 

I had to go and look up hopeful too.

 

Having or manifesting hope. 2. Inspiring hope; promising. n. A person who aspires to success or who shows promise of succeeding.

 

My walk back home was manifesting hope.