I M Perfect lady

“He who cares the least has the most power.” Is a quote that I heard, but have no idea who is the author, but I agree with it.

Did you know that it is possible to care so much you are frozen to act, to speak, to do, that it will literally freeze you?

Who would think that inside of ‘caring’ you would find fear?

But here is the deal, if you care or love a person so much, what you are afraid of is losing something for you. It no longer becomes about them, it becomes about you.

Who knew there was selfish caring, self absorbed caring?

You and your feelings of the fear of losing overwhelm the situation and you freeze in fear and fear is all they feel.

Instead of feeling caring they feel fear, isn’t that incredible?

They think you FEAR them, not care for them.

Sitting as a mother who has been gripped in fear of ‘losing’ her daughter, I was also cognizant of the fact that it was more about her.

Pushing back fear and my loss, I have to keep the focus on how my daughter can regain her sense of self. Sure I slipped and fear fell out and hollering ensued, but awkwardly and in starts and stops, we are dealing together.

I didn’t know how palatable this feeling of fear was or how it freezes you until I have witnessed so many who know and love my daughter do nothing.

I couldn’t figure out what the deal was, why are they not actively coming in with words of encouragement, cheers and goodwill, why most are pressed back and motionless and silent, absent, vacant, not here.

Again, “it isn’t the words of our enemies we remember, but the silence of our friends.”

What I get now, is that the fear of losing, keeps them out of the game, and in doing that action alone, they lose.

They lose what they love out of fear of losing what they love.

It leaves me breathless!

Love to me is being afraid and going in anyway.
Being willing to lose what you don’t want to lose, being willing to let go for their sake.

Isn’t being fearless, being in fear and acting anyway?

What I know to the depth of my being is that a child who has been abused, feels fear coming at him, not caring. For the parent fears that they lost something precious to Them.

The child feels fear and so they stop talking about what happened, for it puts ‘fear’ into the parent.

They don’t want to make their parents afraid.

I now see where love lost to fear, how it flips so unnaturally and how parents become lost in their own fears and not see the child fall away.

They go away and go silent as well, for they don’t feel caring they feel fear. And since they are the ones who ‘changed’ due to abuse, they feel that their abuse is something others fear.

Isn’t it incredible that the fear the parent has of losing a child is the key component to losing a child.

Their fear is what sends the child away.

And guess where this child feels most at home, among others who are not afraid of them, other abused people who people fear.

It saddens me that the abused child gets pushed away because of fear and then owns and becomes that response as who they are. This becomes a new definition of self after abuse.

And are left knowing, If I speak my truth, if I own my abuse, people will fear me, become silent and shun me.

This is their experience when they first told.

We either get to be not who we are with those who love us, or we can become ourselves with those who abused us.

This new abused wound still fits with those who abuse, they do not fear us, they want us, they need us, they ‘care’ about us.

Isn’t this a twisted circle?

The ones who can ‘save’ us are frozen in fear and this leaves us going back to the ones who abuse us.

I am amazed in knowing the success of abuse is fear in ‘good’ people and how the abusers must be clapping and singing halleluiah each time the abused child returns for more attention and acceptance.

All we wanted was to feel accepted and loved.
And it seemed that those who abused us did a better job.

I recall telling my Aunt, my dad’s sister, that I always felt accepted by him, not judged like I did with my mother, that he loved me unconditionally.

Imagine a pedophile loved me without conditions. He loved me innocent and he loved me abused, even if the abuse was by his hands.

We can love or we can fear, but we can’t fearfully love.