I M Perfect lady

Today while writing my Morning Pages, I wrote that I am feeling more like a self I recognize. A self who feels normal being estranged from her family, that I no longer feel so odd to myself, this new me feels like me now.

That it is normal for me when it is Father’s Day to have no obligations or sentiments to deliver, nor do I feel the sinking feeling of sorrow…in its place is vast openness.

No reservoirs of wishing and hoping, just space where a father used to live…there is acceptance of what is, minus the agony of it being so different than what I want.

I am okay now.

I am amazed at the journey out of denial or blindness to his truths and mine.

In the first years of our estrangement I was riddled with grief and peace, hope and hopelessness, sorrow and fear and worry and wonder and angst of being a daughter with a living dad and not engaging with him in any way…I felt inadequate.

I no longer feel less than… for his life.

I no longer feel responsible for being a daughter with nothing to do on Father’s Day.

I read on facebook some daughters feeling the loss of their dad; of missing him and wishing he was here. I feel none of that. Nor, am I one who is praising and send him accolades.

I cannot relate to either of these kinds of daughters.

The space I stand in is one of peace and I stand alone…okay and fine.

It is not a land in between, but one of its own.

This spot isn’t a place most would dream about and crave to be in, but a place that we land in order to heal from sexual abuse, child abuse or neglect, it’s the place we come to feel safe from our abusive parents, like an orphanage, but one where we are not looking to be adopted.

Separation is key to our wellness and it is odd for others to phantom this concept, when it is their desire to remain close.

We crave space, we desire no contact, we thrive in our silent relationship…this no relationship brings us peace. We are more alive in the absence of interactions, more authentic and feel our sense of who we were born to be come alive.

This isn’t a purgatory state, or forgotten land, but rather a wonderful island of love, peace and joy.