I M Perfect lady

Resolve to Stay the Same.

While we all know that my father transformed into a monster many times, over many years with a variety of girls, what we fail to recognize or even consider is the lack of changes in the lives of others who knew and did nothing.

Who knew and did nothing, means they did not respond or change or transform as a new truth or information landed in their lives.

It is this unchanging landscape that doesn’t match the little girls changing landscape that really really bothers me.

 I know that I somehow expected more from my mother after the event than I did my father.

I expected her to save me, to move me away from harm, to change our world somehow.

It is hard to articulate the transformations of my father, but it is equally hard to fathom the no changes in the ones who knew and did nothing.

When I say, “knew and did nothing” I mean have a lifestyle change, have a reaction that mirrors criminal sexual assault.

The ones who lived with my father or near my father had one opinion of who he was. When a new identity comes in it seems that you would then have to reconfigure your world. 

It seems that something so huge would not fit into your old lifestyle, that IT would literally change you. 

Yet the opposite is what happened in my family.  I have heard from a few in my family who said, emphatically that they would not let what my father did change their lives. One is a sheriff…(he isn’t going to let Ray upset his world, and let him win, giving him the satisfaction.)

They were not going to change their worlds because of his sick behavior, it wasn’t going to ‘ruin’ their family, or change their relationships, and they simply were not going to allow it to affect the lives they had. 

I have actually been accused of ruining their childhoods and their fond memories…ripping our family apart. 

I am the one to blame…more so than Ray.

One sister said she confronted him for a half hour and went to work.  Imagine, a half-hour and her world was set back right side up. 

What does this say about folks who can let this come in and then allow it to reside there and not have their lives change?

Due to the fact that this time Ray went to jail, to court, hired lawyers, it was way real, and still at the end of the day…it is life as usual.

I am more transfixed on what didn’t change than anything else. 

It is the space between my family and I.

I stopped my whole world…when I heard what my niece said. 

I sat in a place outside of my life…and looked in.

I saw things I didn’t want to see.

I had to act in ways I couldn’t imagine acting.

I let go of people I couldn’t imagine letting go of.

Knowing what Ray did has changed my life forever.

Nothing remained the same…and I can’t begin to imagine how they are able to walk unchanged.

This behavior seems equally as odd as my fathers transformation, the unchanging resolve to stay the same.

 

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bjukuri

Responses

  1. Anonomous Avatar
    Anonomous

    For one family in your neighborhood their lives did change. It is not my place to say who they are but you will know who I am and I wish to remain anonomous to others. I also can’t spell worth a darn. They did what they thought was the right thing to do and sent over a minister to talk to your father as if it was a religious issue to get him to stop. The minister was untrained and unknowledgeable and made mistakes in these cases but before his death he learned about sexual abuse as it affected his own child and it broke his heart. This doesn’t excuse his imperfect ignorance but this is looking at this from another perspective from someone with rose colored glasses who cared about him. Their lives did change a lot and they did focus on getting help for their broken daughter and they have grieved while they watched her spend the ‘rest’ of her years in and out of reality, in and our of therapy, psychiatric hospitals, and has attempted suicide. This is also not an attempt to blame her ‘life’ on your father as there are always other sides to things. It was an error to not stand in front of your house and scream or picket or whatever else until your dad admitted it. I’m not sure what would have happened if he had but it is senseless to speculate on what if. Also I can’t speak for them. But their lives were shattered too to see her suffer all of these years. What they didn’t do was rescue the children out of your house and that is the reality you are dealing with now. Why didn’t anyone save us?

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  2. Anonomous Avatar
    Anonomous

    The above post is not to say that you haven’t suffered because you and your whole family has but each person suffers in their own way. Some openly and with some the suffering is so deep they will probably never even come close to dealing with it. Or perhaps they look at it with the attitude – I can’t change it so I will go on. Who knows why so many personalities emerge from one family? I debated on finishing the above post but it is just looking in from my eyes where I am intertwined with the ‘ones who did nothing’ to help your family. I was 18 at the time but aml ashamed. I can’t even remember if we ever talked about calling the police.

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  3. I M Perfect Avatar
    I M Perfect

    Thank you for reading and responding. I am pretty sure I do know you.
    Our little neighborhood holds much abuse from house to house. And sadly or more ironically all of the abuse came from FALC homes.
    What I also believe is that our home, my father’s case is a classic example of the times and the lack of handing it over to the police.
    My writing about this so frankly, is to help other families in this day and age to do better than what was done back then.
    while I know that the minister did his best, his best had a tragic outcome for some. And it was only when abuse knocked on his door did he realize the cost to the victim.
    Oh, and here is what I know for sure. If you do like I have done and stand strong and hard and put up boundaries, Your whole life will change.
    While healing myself, I have had to cut ties with all toxic relationships, and that means of course family, church members or even your whole religious viewpoints.
    Opening up this dialogue will help.
    There are multiple lessons we can all learn from my father’s case.
    And then, it will not be all for naught.
    I would not change a moment of my journey, for I have understood the difference between toxic ‘love’ and then true love and truth. I am very grateful for one little brave girl who did speak his name when asked.
    There are many of us who had different affects after abuse. Mine was to have complete disassociation, I remembered nothing, but my body held on to the fear.
    This remembering nothing has you acting ‘normal’ in an abnormal home….and not putting up boundaries, which is why I could bring my own girls to him.
    I just didn’t know that a body full of fear meant abuse. And it isn’t until you let your self go there, do you get snippets of memories back.
    I am not trying to blame, I am trying to explain or figure this out. I do appreciate you responding.
    If we can help one other person do things differently, this blog will not be in vain.

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