My brother's blog (www.messyguru.typepad.com ) shows the switching characters that a mother often displays when faced with truths that directly oppose her life. Her life and dream and ideals.
I have somehow had this wrong. I had presumed that my mother lived in truth and slide into unreality when uncomfortable subjects arose, but instead it seems she resides in non-reality and will slip out into reality every now and then.
Although this is just hearsay on my part, for she never came out of her camp of denial, pretend, or righteous unknowing for me.
She stayed true to the character of my childhood.
I can't know what would be more perplexing on a child, to have her step forth in knowing, and the go back to unknowing or to remain steadfast in unknowing?
While her actions aluded to the fact that her husband was in jail, for she seen him in an orange jumpsuit behind bars, she never not once spoke to me about why he was there.
This omitance echoes my childhood. This is what I meant by she never once told me to fear my father, to stand clear, to not trust etc. Instead it was always me that had issues, not him and certainly not her.
However during the early months of this, since she wasn't speaking of this, not available by phone, I made my own conclusions about the lay of the land. My body and I were in total agreement to who he was as well as to who he was married to and how this was able to continue on for so long.
My mother's character never wavered from the mother I knew as a child.
My father's character never wavered from the father I knew as a child.
My character greatly changed, when I saw them in their true colors.
All it took was one look, and my whole world shattered.
The character that I had been playing, loving daughter, died.
And in its place a new role was born.
I gave up all outside roles and stood firmly in the role called me.
I moved forward by what I felt inside.
I responded in kind to what life served up
When it served me a pedophile father, I walked in harmony with that.
When it served me up a mother who was unable to step into my world, I accepted that.
My new role is to walk in step with whatever reality serves.
Whatever Reality Serves.
Responses
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There was so much dysfunction in your family, it is mind boggling. I wonder how your mom became to dysfunctional that she was not able to take care of the emotional needs of her kids. What kind of example did she have growing up? Was she abused? Regardless of whether she was abused, is it all the church that made her into how she was or were their other contributing factors? Everyone is a product of their environment. In my husband’s situation, it will take years to completely unravel and determine what was wrong and what was right. When you aren’t raised in a normal functioning, healthy family, you have no idea what normal is, and you have to learn HOPEFULLY from someone who was taught right to protect those teachings from infecting the next generation. I would always put my kids before any religion or any other person for that matter. I have unconditional love for them and I don’t understand how a mother could reject her own child. Beth, you are an amazing person to go out and tell your story. I pray for you every day.
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What I can know is that I am just the next generation, that abuse isn’t just born, it is taught.
Abuse is automatically passed on, it doesn’t have to be a conscious effort, but you simply do as what was done to you.
For some reason I was tossed out of the unconscious mind and landed in a very strange place called Reality.
From there all that I had been taught no longer worked.
The only ‘cure’ for abuse is awareness and truth.
If the generation above you isn’t able to walk in the truth, it will be up to you to do so.
In order to do so, you will have to separate yourself from them. There is no way you stop abuse while holding on to abusive relationships.
It is like I woke up to a force within me that refused to act like I used to and that I was too awake to go back and just ‘pretend to pretend’ all was okay.
I wish I knew how to awaken folks, but that is the job of the Universe. Just as in death, we can’t know when that day will come, neither can we in when we wake up to our lives.
I am telling my story to show the difference between waking up and sleeping through your life.
It isn’t so much as how you treat others, but how authentic are you, how truthful are you, how much in harmony are you with your feelings.
The greatest thing you can do for your child is to live your life in truth. Having your words, feelings and actions ALL match.LikeLike
I M Perfect lady 
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