I M Perfect lady

In the last blog post about Authoritarian child rearing…where the child is taught to listen to the parent, always…and forget how IT feels and how the parents are not open to a new way of seeing the world, PERHAPS from the child's eyes…leads to the greatest downfall of human kind; The separation from your own feelings…your truth.

And actually, it isn't that we are separated from them, but we are taught to disregard them.  And in the disregarding of your own feelings, you are raised to live BY the feelings of others.

Instead of a seeing eye dog to lead the blind around, we are given a Feeling Like I, person that we follow.

We are taught NOT to use the wonderful instrument called the human body, but to disassociate from it….and hop on the backs of someone else's feelings and live from there.

Living vicariously through their lives.

I had to look up the definition of Vicarious….

indirectly, as, by, or through a substitute; "she enjoyed the wedding vicariously". 

Imagine, we are taught to live Indirectly and not directly in our own lives.

I spent 46 vicarious years on the backs of my parents, my church, my friends…you name them and I was there in their lives…contributing and giving to make their lives 'happier' or whatever, meanwhile, I was nowhere to be found in my own.

I was substituting their life for my own.

When we are raised to not be directly with our feelings, we are then taught to not feel, that which we feel and to give up our feelings for the sake and happiness of another's feelings.

We are brought up to live outside of our own bodies…and it doesn't help when we are abused, for in that moment too, it isn't about our feelings, but the feelings and needs of our abusers.  We assume this is life as usual, for our feelings have never mattered.  

How is sexual abuse different from physical or verbal, when our feelings don't matter?

Abuse compounds the authoritarian parenting style.

Or perhaps, abuse is the outcome of trying to hijack another life and make it your own.  

My demeanor was very dark as I mothered as an authoritarian…I was stealing lives just as my mother did.  Raiding their feelings to make me feel better.  Insanity and incredibly selfish.

The only reason I let go of being the Authoritarian, is that I learned what I had the authority over….Abuse.

My power, my control, my high handedness was all to keep abuse flowing freely and protecting and pouring loving feelings into a dark pit…a vortex of unending demand.

I was a key player in keeping the Play called Family alive and when in reality, it wasn't family, it was abuse.  

So, I had taken the same power and control and worked it sadistic magic to steal my children's feelings, hijacking them to make me feel good, just as I was taught as a child.  And we called this love.

It was only when I seen the Reality Play and the Characters without the masks I was continually providing, did I stop acting.

It was my acting that kept this all alive…I acted differently than I felt.  I acted in ways that made my parents smile, made them happy, even if it was allowing abuse. 

Once I seen what the script I was reading from was really doing, I was horrified.  It wasn't about a loving family, it was all choreographed to keep a pedophile operating.

By Acting against my feelings and by keeping the family script going, I was not seeing or feeling what was really going on…and in doing so, was blind to the abuse.

What still haunts me is the depth of my blindness and the breadth of my believability…how naively I was born upon this stage and began speaking in double speak, going the opposite direction of my feelings.

And in doing so, gave me a life that was the opposite of reality.

I am now an authoritarian about my feelings.

I live directly with them and will not stray away from how they feel.

If you can't be direct with how you feel, most likely you are living vicariously.