‘Nice’ to Me.

"The lies we believe about ourselves can be difficult to see because we are so used to them that they seem normal."  Don Miguel Ruiz

Today while riding along delivering mail, I listened to an old Oprah Show about girls being bullied and just the way girls tend to communicate, very indirectly.  She was speakng to the Author of "The Odd Girl Out".

 How in order to be 'nice' we don't tell each other the truth…that we equate niceness to dealing behind backs, but certainly not directly.

This is the circumference living I was talking about. Where you can tell someone else your true feelings about another, but never to the person in question.

We live one step removed.

Being 'nice' means to not tell the person directly, but to talk about them indirectly.  

Being 'bad' is to have a direct relationship. This is scary and will actually cause you to be excluded…to be in, you have to talk poorly about another….otherwise they will think you are friends with the 'outsiders' and if you are friends with them, you can't be friends with the in crowd.

I know if you are a girl/woman you have experienced this in some form.  And that you also have learned not to speak your truth.  In fact, one girl stated that she has to be a certain way for this group and then be a certain way for that group, or dress a certain way etc, that she has no clue who the real her is.

So, if you escaped the rigid rules of religion, you may have experienced the unwritten rules of being a 'nice' girl.  Nice girls don't tell the truth and they 'like' everyone, and they talk about others when they are not present.

Here is what I know for sure….being a bad girl who spoke directly about what I felt, is that in order to be part of the group, and in my case family, I would have had to do this dance of living indirectly.

I used to talk about others behind their backs…to either fit in or to appear better than, and to spare them my real feelings, I was nice and didn't approach our differences head on.

Now it seems insane.  But I don't recall one person, from my estranged family or even friends who have distanced themselves from me, tell me face to face what their problem was with me.  However, they may discuss the issues they have with me when I am not around to hear.

Most of the girls said that the reasons they act this way, is that they don't want to be alone.  That they feel they must act badly in order to be part of the group. They have to shun those who don't fit in, who dress differently, etc, in order to be part of the group. 

Their biggest concerns in life is to be kicked out and alone.

When girls learn to live one step removed from direct relationships, they learn to live away from their truths, in order to be accepted. Their truths will end relationships.

I totally get this. Where it is more 'normal' for them to not talk about things that hurt them or disturb them, but lie to be nice.  

This lying to be nice is to ignore hurt and anger and pain. And if you don't express it outwardly, it gets shoved inwardly.  It isn't that they don't experience or encounter things that upset them, but in order to remain 'nice' they don't deal with them.

This 'nice' way of living life is doing more damage than anything to our young girls…for they are taught by their peers, that in order to be well liked, you must lie.

They are being taught that in order to be accepted, don't be yourself.  Be what we need you to be. 

I can't but help to think that my sisters are all doing this as well.  I used to be part of them, and we didn't deal well one on one, but we certainly could pull apart the problem behind their back.  I know, I did it.  And I know, as the outsider, how I got here.

I got here by wanting direct frank and truthful relationships.  I wasn't interested in living on the outskirts of my world anymore.

I went against the group.  I became one of the unpopular…

At times, being out here still stings, but for the most part, I am pretty much okay, knowing that the girls I left, truly didn't have my back and my best interests…what they did have was loyalty to the group at large.

This is all done unconsciously…bending to group mentality and knowing intuitively, that if you don't act like the rest, you will be banished.

It is so subtle, that they are not even aware what they are doing, but they know enough to stay way from what is not accepted.  Act differently and out you go.

And there truly isn't one confrontation…no face to face interaction.  It is just this "knowing" you are either with us or we are against you.

All so interesting to see the way girls are taught to be 'nice'.  My sisters are 'nice' to me.